things i've received from readers (part 2).

After the joy of receiving these via email a few months ago i was a wee bit disturbed to find these beauties had been sent to me recently:

Could they be from the previous owner of the Yor VHS?

I hope not.

murder and skull-y.

taking a break from drawing Lycra clad laydees kicking the shite out of demons I actually got around to watching a few movies this last week.

And a few (well one of them) was quite modern!

Will these wonders never cease?

Laid To Rest (2009).
Dir: Robert Hall.
Cast: Bobbi Sue Luther, Kevin Gage, Sean Whalen, Lena Headey, Johnathon Schaech, Nick Principe and Thomas Dekker.

It's dark, it's dusty and the sound of heavy breathing fills the air, shafts of light cut swathes thru' the darkness revealing a pair of terrified eyes darting left to right as the breathing gets louder and louder.

It appears that some joker has locked a pneumatic brunette in a coffin (Luther, last seen strutting her stuff as a buxom Orion slave girl in Star Trek: Enterprise and soon to appear in the remake of Night of The Demons) and left her in the chapel of rest of an unnamed funeral home.

Ain't that always the way?

You think she looks upset now?
Well just wait till the mooth shite-in starts.

Managing to break free (and scare the arse off 'B' movie stalwart Richard Lynch in the process) the poor lamb is horrified to discover that the impromptu Boxing Helena impression is the least of her worries seeing as she can hardly walk, has the vocabulary of a child, memory loss and a huge sticky hole in the back of her head.

Oh and she's found herself in the preparation room surrounded by scary looking jars, many sharp things and with only the naked corpse of an old lady for company.

Could her day get any worse?

Gazing out of the window in the hope of finding someone who can help her she notices a shadowy figure in the distance.

Could this be her knight in shining armour?

Well only if chivalrous movie good guys have now taken to wandering around clad totally in black apart from a chrome-plated skull mask with a handy video camera attached to their shoulders and carrying knives so sharp that they seem to cut thru' the very air around them.

Hmmm....I think we can hazard a guess as to who locked her in the coffin.

Bloody hell.

Managing to avoid a stabbing off her new slash happy pal our heroine escapes into the woods and onto a deserted road where she's picked up by gamy legged nice guy Tucker (Gage from Ricky 6) and his wife Cindy (Teevee's Sarah Connor, Heady) who are convinced they can help her regain her memories and discover who she is.

But outside in the dark Mr. Chromeskull is on the move and we're about to discover if you can ever truly escape your past.

Or more importantly escape from the fright masked nutter who's chasing you.

Video piracy is a crime.

It seems that there isn't a week that passes without some new low budget horror movie being unleashed with it's director being hailed as the Saviour of horror as critics and fansites alike eagerly swallow the studio hype only to be disappointed (again) when the curtains rise and they're greeted by another lackluster and oh so clever (yet ultimately toothless and imagination free) post modern slasher movie.

I blame Wes Craven myself, but then again I blame Wes Craven for most things, including the death of my beloved pooch when I was 12. But that's another story.

Maybe it's old age or maybe I'm just jaded, but it's rare to find a movie these days that gives you the same buzz you got when seeing Dawn of The Dead (on Video 2000 no less) as a 9 year old or queuing to see your first 'X' rated feature (Nightmare on Elm Street, Dudley Plaza, October 31st, 1985).

In fact I can probably count them on one hand.

Soft for Digging, The Descent, Diary of The Dead and [Rec] are probably the only genre films of recent years that have actually treated their subject matter with anything remotely resembling a straight face, placing their horrors in a real world setting and with believable characters and situations.

And now Laid to Rest has done the same thing for the much maligned slasher genre.

Director Robert Hall has delivered a back to basics no frills slasher movie that's as black and bloody as it's protagonists suit with a plot that's stripped to the bone (like a certain persons shiny skull head).

And I for one an grateful for that.

There's no annoying attempts a justification for the villains behaviour or reasons for his mentalist ways (ala the absymal TCM prequel or Rob Zombie's Halloween rehash) as the audience, alongside Luthor's character are thrown headlong into the scenario with no idea as to why (or where) things are happening

"Laugh Now you bastards!"

And with Chromeskull Hall has created a villain that, like the original Michael Myers before him most resembles a land based Great White Shark, striking violently and indiscriminately without warning and whose only agenda is to kill, maim and then maybe kill a wee bit more.

Every one of the small cast is just fleshed out to just the right amount and well played enough to make the viewer genuinely care as to who will make it to the final reel, from Gage and Headey's loving husband and wife team to Sean (Tammy and the T-Rex, People Under The Stairs) Whalen's lovable geek Steven via the creepy Lynch the performances are pitched perfect and the characters just the right side of cliche.

Couple this with a crisp and uncluttered directing style that subtly pays homage to such varying sources as The Beyond and Phantasm amongst others and you have a fantastically crafted love letter to the slasher genre from a director who obviously loves and understands it's rules and conventions enough to realize why they were successful enough in the first place.

There is hope for the future of good, old fashioned horror after all.

Buy, beg or steal a copy now, then go ring up that Zombie bloke and shout "shite in ya mooth!" at him down the phone.

Twice.

people you fancy but shouldn't (part the 12).

Meryl Streep in Mama Mia. Never ever until that movie (not even in A Cry in The Dark).....
and now all I hear is "meow" when she speaks.

Please don't let me be alone on this one.

suscratchia.

With Professor X was looking after our mutant offspring we decided to take in a romantic movie and a few drinks this week.

And obviously you can't get anymore romantic than this:

Yup, our local arthouse cinema was showing Dario Argento's version of ABBA's Dancing Queen as part of it's Italian Film Festival and rumors abounded of it being a brand new shiny print!

Smoking and chatting excitedly outside (whilst obviously being pass remarkable about some of the fashions surrounding us and the fact that someone had felt the need to show their superior Argento fan-ness by wearing a, gulp, Creepers t-shirt) we came across our friend (and fellow Eurotrash enthusiast) Skinny John.

It appeared, according to John's sources that we were about to view a BRAND NEW uncut, recoloured and polished by the director himself copy of the movie!

Oh and he also pointed out that he has tickets to the UK premiere of Giallo and that I do not.

Bastard.

Anyway, we took our seats (mine was dedicated to Wet wet Wet) and waited eagerly for the movie to start.

Imagine our surprise (made worse by general audience apathy) when the curtains opened to reveal a scratchy burnt out BBFC title card informing us that the following film had been rated 'X'.

So much for the brand new print, the one they were showing appeared to have been hidden in a bin behind The Scala, left there when the debt collectors raided.

A shiny new print of Suspiria yesterday.



The one we saw on Wednesday night.

Always seeing the best in situations I commented how exciting it was to experience the movie in the same way as those who saw it on it's original release did and Rollie (Mrs. Unwell) agreed.

John on the other hand saw it a wee bit differently.

Especially at the twelve minute mark when part of the first murder appeared to be missing from the print, engulfed in a haze of scratches and pops.

"I am furious!" he shouted at anyone who'd listen "I am not paying good money to see cut Argento!"

And with that he left.

John: Furious.

which is a pity really, because you don't often get to see Argento on the big screen (albeit surrounded by people who appeared to be expecting an Italian version of Billy Elliot) and as far as I'm concerned a choppy, croppy 70's print is better than nothing.

Saying that tho', Sarah's death by piano wire was slashed to ribbons and missing it's denouement (an unforgivable crime - the cuts not the murder obviously, she deserved it) which frankly put me on edge for the rest of the movie, spending far too much time looking for cuts meaning that I couldn't fully appreciate Udo Kier's lovely flyaway hair in the next scene.

But all things considered you have to take your hat off to the lovely cinema staff for even considering showing the movie in the first place and inadvertantly taking us oldies back to the halcyon days of the video nasty bill, when you'd pay a fiver down the market for a copy of Bloody Moon, not knowing if it was a first or nth generation copy or even a dodgy Swedish animal erotica in a badly photostatted cover.

And for reviving those memories I thank you.

poorly lamb.

Sorry for the lack of updates recently, I've been unwell.

Normal service will resume as soon as possible (or as soon as I can get the stains of shame from my bedsheets).

body rock.

Why do I do this to myself?

I'm ill for God's sake (and my copy of Murder Rock is out on loan).

Aerobicide (AKA Killer Workout, 1986).
dir: David A Prior.
Cast: Marcia Karr, David James Campbell, Fritz Matthews, Ted Prior, Teresa Van Der Woude and Teresa Truesdale.

"Just relax, I'm not some crazy killer."

Horse faced and pube permed fashion model Valerie is excited to discover she's been chosen as the cover star of the new issue of Take A Break magazine (or something) and, eager to look at her most orange for the photo shoot heads off to the local gym to use the sun bed.

Unfortunately a freak accident means the machine cooks Valerie so they have to go with a Jade Goody: I'm still dead/Jordan: my tits make my back ache cover instead.

Which is a shame really.

Several years and a dozen crimes against fashion later and we find ourselves in the middle of a funky Hi-Energy workout complete with dodgy 80's synth pop, crack splitting leotards and over ripe bouncy breasts.

Sexily strict gym manager (and Crispy Valerie's twin sister) Rhonda (Karr from the Linda Blair potboiler Savage Streets and Maniac Cop) runs the classes with a rod of iron, saving her venom for her sassy Pam Grier alike and part time whore Jaimy (Woude, star of Night Visitor) and local chubster Jimmy (mightily mulleted Matthews from Deadly Prey and The Devil's Rain).

Arse.

Luckily for the viewer these soap opera shenanigans are quickly put on hold when keep fit enthusiast Rachel (queen of the walk on Truesdale) is stabbed in the showers by a nutter wielding a giant safety pin.

No, really.

Which is annoying for Jaimy whose (sweaty) jockstrap stealing antics are cruelly curtailed when Rachel's bloodied corpse falls out of a locker on top of her.

Enter (not literally mind) the Caramel faced Lieutenant Morgan (blond bruiser Campbell) who's brought in to investigate the murder and add some much needed testosterone to the proceedings.

Insert cock here.

Whilst Morgan is roughing up the clientèle, Rhonda is surprised to find a strange man named Chuck (Ted - slightly less ugly brother of the director - Prior) ransacking her office (tho' not her orifices).

It appears her business partner has hired Chuck to, um, do stuff.

Oh and to have a vaguely homo-erotic fight with Jimmy in the car park.

Excitedly watching from the sidelines is Jimmy's ex girlfriend (whose name escapes me) who, overcome with lust for Chuck invites him back to her apartment for a quick shag and a biscuit.

The post sex chat comes around to poor old Jimmy, it appears she dumped him because he liked to 'tie girls up and stuff' making him the number one suspect for Rachel's murder.

I know, I can't figure that one out either.

Anyway, Chuck is too interested in watching the ladies ample breasts bob up and down in a slightly hypnotic way to really take anything in tho'.

As was I if I'm honest.

"You'll do what in mah mooth?"

Luckily I snapped back to reality in time to see the local bad boys spraying death spa all over the gym's walls before being dispatched by the unseen killer.

Why?

Didn't he like the font they used?

Morgan appears to be as much use as a chocolate starfish as more and more supple, toned (dead) bodies turn up forcing him to run around accusing everyone of being the killer whilst
Rhonda sticks her chest out and glares at the rest of the cast.

Bizarrely enough the small matter of the killings doesn't seem to have bothered the local fitness freaks at all, seeing as the gym seems busier than ever.

Same shit, different smell.

So, who is the workout obsessed killer?

Will anyone tell Rhonda that her bra is about three sizes too small?

And will Jimmy win back the heart (and not to mention huge breasts) of his ex?

To be honest, there aren't enough hours in the day to care really.

Jordan: media obsessed whore.

The horror equivalent of itchy anal warts, Aerobicide takes your basic slasher plot, gets it drunk on cheap lager in a sleazy night club and buys it a kebab before roughly buggering it in the cab on the way home then kicking it out of the backdoor onto a dirty piece of wasteland half naked and bleeding.

Director Prior (he of, oh fuck it I can't be bothered listing the unadulterated shite he's been involved in, just look him up) takes a surprisingly competent cast and forces them to stand around in vomit inducing luminous 80's dance fashions whilst spouting whatever inane sentences just happen to come into their heads.

And my word what heads the cast have.

There are mullets, poodle perms and giant blonde barnets that look like they'd snap if tugged too hard, it's painfully obvious to anyone watching that the ozone hole is all the fault of this movie.

But all that fades when compared to the outfits paraded on screen, day-glo vests, spandex snatch splitters, shiny leotards and leg warmers are the order of the day whilst the electropap score kills any chance of suspence before it can rear it's head.

Bloody abysmal.

I love it.

ahead warp factor bun....

To celebrate the release of JJ Abrams re-jigged Star Trek, we present a collection of absolutely shite Star Trek themed cakes.

Enjoy!