celebs that look like scifi creatures (part three).

mega(n) fans.

Just received this photo from the worlds first ever Megan Stewart theme party.

Enjoy.

raiders of the lost arse.

Whilst sorting out the obscenely large pile of straight to DVD shite I get sent on a (semi) regular basis I came across this 'classic' that I received this thru' the post from an anonymous benefactor (under the pretence of a late birthday present) a couple of years back.

And frankly I'm as scared now as I was then.

Who knew the world needed a movie regarding one mans sordid fantasies about raping Oscar winner Steven Spielberg's (albeit peachy for an old guy) arse?

Featuring no cast or crew list, the film tells the story of an angry faced, anal entry obsessed young actor who aspires to the big time.

Taking the advice of a whorish, has-been actress he decides to fuck his way to the top of the Hollywood pile.

And who better to aim for than the aforementioned Mr. Spielberg?

Spielberg: He's got something to put in you.

You see, the actor reckons that if he rapes Spielberg with all his passion and might, the experience will turn the Oscar winning director of Jaws into a sex slave, unable to resist casting the aspiring actor and making him the world's biggest movie star.

But all actors need to rehearse, so he decides to practice his skills on his balding alcohol neighbour.....

Insert cock here.

Based on the real-life story of Jonathan Norman, a mentalist stalker who was arrested outside the directors home whilst carrying handcuffs, duct tape and a razor knife (but no copy of Hook? - see? even nutters have some taste) back in 1998, the unknown writer/director of RSS has taken the much publicized case and used it as the basis for a heartfelt story of tolerance and the importance of accepting people for who and what they are.

And of the little guy in all of us sticking it to (and into, obviously) 'the man'.

Which would be all well and good but for the fact that it's mind numbingly shite for the entire length of it's scant 35 minute running time and that it happens to feature the second most unattractive cast ever seen on celluloid.


And the film with the most unattractive cast ever?


Extra Terrestrian: Die Ausserirdische (1995).
Dir: Lidko Entinger and Siggi Entinger.
Cast: Mary Millman, Fabien Barone, Attila Roll, Freddy Dalton and Silvia Squire.

 In this (unofficial) sequel to the Spielberg classic, a female E.T. is sent to Earth in order to learn more about our customs and beliefs.

Oh yes, and how to have the sex.


You see it turns out that although our alien chums still have all the right bits, they've completely forgotten how to do it.

"Laugh now!"

Arriving on Earth via bad matte work and a big silver dildo cum rocket our warty wench soon finds herself stumbling thru' a thick fog (thanks to a completely visible smoke machine) toward a large(ish) cardboard cut-out castle.

Silently entering the building and hiding behind a curtain (shades of Peeping Blog), E.T. watches silently as the local sex obsessed aristocrats that live there indulge in every porn cliché imaginable all in grusome, harshly lit close-up.

Arse, quim, tits and mooth....you name it and those dirty Germans will try to fuck it.

Revenge for Dresden no doubt.

In a surprise move, the rotting corpse of Jade Goody re-enters the Big Brother house.

After what seems like hours of furiously masturbating as only a skinny woman in an ill-fitting latex alien suit can, E.T. decides to learn our strange sexual customs first hand and proceeds to spend the rest of the movie having stomach churning sex with a variety of moustachioed, pot bellied foreigners.

Exactly like your sister.

He's touching your weans.

After having every orifice stuffed full of enough man muck to sink the Bismark, our alien friend heads home to teach her planet about shagging.



Oh and probably pass on a variety of interesting STD's to the rest of her species.

Before you laugh, phone childline or fire off another death threat, spare a moment to think of poor Silvia Squire, the woman playing E.T.

The poor cow deserves some kind of award (or at least psychiatric help) for managing against all odds to make that green, muck encrusted E.T. costume (with obligatory holes cut in it for her nipples, mouth and fanny to stick out) even a wee bit sexy.

Megan....the return.

Look, it might not be the best alien cum sex movie ever made but it's a damn sight more erotic than Inseminoid.

And a helluva lot more fun than watching a tiny cocked fat man stick it in a famous directors arse.


But only just.

childcare for beginners part one.

Nuff said really.

night of the creeps.

Please, for the love of God make it stop.

Peeping Blog (2010).
Dir: Creep Creepersin. 
Cast: Ariauna Albright, Creep Creepersin and Elissa Dowling.

Welcome to the wild and wacky world of 'Peter The Peeper' (director Creepersin, AKA Skrotar the Conqueror...no honestly), a softly spoken yet scarily sausage fingered voyeur who spends his days (and nights) following a short skirted, fairly harsh faced young lady named Ethel (Albright from Platoon of the Dead and the classic Caged Lesbos A-Go-Go) around town then writing about it on his blog.

Nothing like me and Megan Stewart then.

Everything is going swimmingly for our peeping pal until Ethel's sister (Dowling, sister of Big Brother's Brian and the star of Bloody Bloody Bible Camp) turns up in an even shorter skirt for a surprise visit.

Hiding behind the coat-stand Peter continues to film his intended victims.

Luckily for him tho' they both appear to be blind (and deaf) making the whole thing that wee bit easier.

I mean there's no other way these two girls could fail to spot a hugely overweight, bearded asthmatic with a camera hiding behind under a raincoat in the corner of the room is there?

"Laugh now!"

But it's not all plain sailing tho' as very soon (tho' not soon enough) poor Peter desperately needs a wee, leaving our Peeper with a difficult choice.

Should he piss in a nearby pot plant, leg it and risk getting caught by the fuzz (a painful experience or so I'm told) or should he give the sexy siblings a nice surprise by jumping out of the wardrobe and tie them up before threatening them with a massive rubberised dildo?

Can you guess which?

Your mum hard at work yesterday.

Can I just say here and now that I'm all for underground film making, the fact that these days it's even easier than ever for any Tom, Dick or Harvey to get access to a camera, cast, crew and editing software enabling them to make their own movie is a fantastic thing.

Most of the time at least.

But for every Gareth Edwards or Carlo Ledesma there are a dozen talent-less myopic hacks with more money and self importance than sense violently forcing their entertainment free and cheese tasting celluloid spunk down our throats like some particularly sadistic cinema sex beast determined to infect everyone they come into contact with with their own brand of cinematic-ally Transmitted Diseases.

you know who you are.

I wouldn't want one of them swimming up my arse.

Less of a movie and more like a straight to DVD dose of anal warts, Peeping Blog is desperate to want to be seen as some kind of real-time art house thriller but with its muffled dialogue, endless POV shots of a car sitting at traffic lights alongside interesting views of store front and random women drinking coffee.

Obviously wannabe Warhol Creep Creepersin is aiming squarely at the chin-stroking crowd with this beauty, unfortunately tho' it's so brain numbingly awful that it ends up more arsehouse than arthouse, a film so energy drainingly boring that I not only lost the will to live whilst watching it but actually lost the ability to shit too.

Seriously, I've been unable to pass a single stool since viewing this and believe me, it's really fucking uncomfortable.

Big plastic cock in mah mooth!

The human race is doomed and the earth finished.

Don't forget to turn the light off on your way out.

people you fancy but shouldn't part 32.

Sally Bercow, ex pot smoking, booze guzzling and shag crazy wife of House of Commons Speaker John Bercow.

gotta catch 'em all.

Finally after years of searching the internet, charity shops and my dads cupboard my Doctor Who collection is complete.

 Obviously I only have these for completist value.

A wee bit like K-9 & Company.