still missing.

Just a quick note for all of our American cousins that keep stumbling across my blog whilst searching for your next filthy Megan is Missing fix.

Megan: She might look apprehensive now but just wait till the mooth shite-in' starts.

I don't know how to break this to you all but the film is PRETEND!

Yup that's right....IT'S NOT REAL, she's an actress, she's even on Facebook and I know this will dissapoint you but alas I never killed her.

Yes that's right she's alive and not really in my basement.

which does mean that there's room for YOU!

Thanks for listening.

song 2.

A very quick review of Vincent D’Onofrio's directorial debut I've got important 'housey' things to do), a film it appears I'm the only person in the world to have enjoyed.

Scary eh?

Don’t Go In The Woods (2011).
Dir: Vincent D’Onofrio.
Cast: Bo Boddie, Gwynn Galitzer, Jorgen Jorgenson, Soomin Lee, Ali Tobia, Cassandra Walker and Matt Sbeglia.

Self satisfied control freak cum lead singer of up and coming rock band Crème Brûlée Nick Storm (a fantastic performance by Sbeglia, looking and acting like a young David Hess) has forced his groovy group to spend the weekend camping in the woods (woods that a sign announces that they shouldn't go in), away from everyone in order to work on their new album in the hope of getting a record deal with Simon Cowell.

Beware the bin men.

Unfortunately his band mates want to have a charty party, bringing along booze and the 'marijuana' as well as their instruments and Nick, as reasonable as ever tips the booze in the river and sticks the hash up his arse before smashing everyone's mobile phones with a handy axe.

Which is nice.

"Bang bang bang the drum of justice! See how fast the bastard burns!"

If that wasn't enough to upset his weekend, just as the 'jam session' (as you young things call it) is picking up speed his ex-girlfriend Ashley (Walker) turns up with a car full of hot young tottie carrying a fine selection of beers, crisps and snacks.

"Shite in mah mooooooooooooooth!"

As the booze flows and the songs grow none of the tuneful teens notice the dark figure stalking them from the trees.

Is it an unhappy fan?

The manager who followed them to the camp-site?

The scary combat clad hunters out looking for deer?

Or is it the enigmatic Mr. Cowell himself? Desperate to put the X in Axe Factor?

All we know is that anyone who can carry a tune ends up carrying their guts home in a bag and the only label they'll sign to is Stiff.

Cowell: Teen murdering psychopath, allegedly.

Coming across like a Sean S Cunningham directed episode of Glee, Don't Go in the Woods is a lovingly crafted musical slasher that oozes with a perfectly captured 70's style thru' every pore; from the almost burnt out colour scheme to the to the folk style soundtrack and lead Matt Sbeglia's aforementioned resemblance to a Last House on The Left era David Hess, even his vocal performance is similar.

Of the other cast members Ali Tobia, last seen in the Zman 'classic' The Killing Machines is great as the hapless Melinda as is Cassandra Walker who's winsome without ever being whiny.

This is indeed a movie made by someone with a genuine love for that era.

Which is why the Saw obsessed, Rob Zombie worshipping wee boys that make up the majority of the horror fest' crowds hate it.

The nearest they've ever been to a video nasty is accidentally finding their parents home made porn.

Watch out watch out there's a bin man about!

Like the movies behatted, schizophrenic killer, Don’t Go In The Woods is at once comfortably familiar and somehow still daringly different.

See it now and I promise you'll never have trouble getting off with a lady ever again.


Probably.

comics greatest fight scenes part one.

Captain America Vs. The Butterfly.

donner bell.

Caught up with this lil' gem a few weeks ago after noticing that the poster art featured a cutsie redhead wielding a pick axe.

Well it works for me.

Donner Pass (2012).Dir: Elise Robertson.
Cast: Desiree Hall, Erik Stocklin, Colley Bailey, Adelaide Kane, Dominic DeVore, Brandon Morales, and John Kassir.

Way back in the snowy May of 1846, bearded bigman and father of the director of Superman The Movie George Donner led a ragtag bunch of pioneers on a shopping trip from Missouri to California to purchase some biscuits and crisps.

The group had planned to be in California by September (just in time for the annual biscuit fayre) but due to one of the horses having a puncture found themselves stuck in the Sierra Nevada mountains surrounded by snow, screaming children and wolves.

Snow similar to that which trapped the Donner party.

With only a few egg and cress sandwiches, a litre bottle of Tizer and two scotch eggs to last them, the party soon found itself without food or water and after an ill fated attempt to eat their shoes quickly resorted to cannibalism in order to survive.

To counteract the fact that many of the bodies were frozen, the party leader (the aforementioned George Donner if you weren't paying attention) fashioned a cooking device from branches and bracken that enabled the party to cook the bodies quickly and safely.

And thus the 'Donner Kebab' was created, Kebab being the native American word for frozen meat.

As you can well imagine tho' the whole situation was a wee bit tricky to explain to the rescue party that eventually found them and George's name (and that of his invention) went down in history.

"I love you....could it be magic?"

But enough history, let's jump forward to 'the present day' where the rather scrumptious Kayley (Teen Wolf's Hall, coming across like a younger, more button nosed Annette O'Toole) is driving her hunky but dim beau Mike (Madison County's Bailey), her bitchy, beaky cousin Nicole (ex- Neighbours star Kane) to a lodge very near to the Donner Pass owned by 'sensitive' new boy Thomas' (the creepily geeky Stocklin) parents in order to spend the weekend skiing.


Unfortunately tempers seem to be frayed already, with Mike's attempts to scare everyone will tales of the Donner party and flesh eating upsetting Thomas and  Nicole spending her time either texting her jock boyfriend Derek (DeVore) or bitching about just about everything else.

Yup, looks like it'll be a long weekend.

Thomas farted...and it smelled of granddad jumpers.

Stopping at a diner on the way our teen chums soon discover that a local woman has been found brutally murder and the suspect, one Brian Epstein is still on the loose.

Finally arriving at Thomas’ cabin (in reality a huge house nestling snugly  in the woods) everyone seems to be getting along fine, chatting and drinking with even Nicole managing to crack a smile.

The jolly atmosphere is short lived tho' as suddenly dodgy Derek (Dominic DeVore) turns up with his badly behaved buddies; the intense A.J., vivacious Valerie and Brody (not the one from Jaws) in tow.

Thomas, understandably is not a happy bunny whilst Kayley, her attempts to find a compromise ignored stomps off to bed.

With Thomas wandering about mumbling to himself and the rest of the gang (Mike included) enjoying a beer of ten on the balcony no-one notices what looks like the shadowy figure of a man watching from the depths of the forest.

Prepare yourselves for a winter slay ride.

Ouch, sorry about that.

"Excuse me, do you require any scissors sharpening?"

After the rot I've sat thru' recently and expecting nothing except a cheerfully cheap (with the emphasis on the cheap bit) crap hack n' slash movie I was pleasantly surprised by Donner Pass; the direction (from first time feature director Elise Robertson) is top notch and assured, the cast are perfect and  Bobby Scott's cinematography perfectly encapsulates the conflicting feelings of loneliness and isolation playing out against the seemingly endless snowy backwoods.

Arse, this is beginning to sound like a proper film blog, better change that then...

"Shite in mah mooth!"

Ah, that's better.

The plot, whilst nothing unique is well handled, played straight and with a twist ending that whilst not unexpected isn't unwelcome, as are the sly nods to Halloween and it's this seriousness coupled with some genuinely well choreographed murders that raises Donner Pass above the norm.

More please Ms. Robertson.

Is it me or am I getting way too polite in my old age?

Well I've got The Sleeper to watch next and by all accounts that might change straight away.

big bloody plug.

If you enjoy my inane ramblings here why not visit my day job?

Just promise to be kind (plus I only have one follower so I'm getting kinda lonely).

rule 34 and all that.

Ladies and gentlemen, there seems to be an upsurge in all things Alien thanks to Ridley Scott's upcoming Prometheus, which allows me to now present you with the find of the century...

Space Jockey porn.

 I think the interweb is finally about to die.

smut pedlar.

After the movie month I've had so far all I can say is

"Help me Ti West....you're my only hope".

The Innkeepers (2011).
Dir: Ti West.
Cast: Sara Paxton, Pat Healy and Kelly McGillis.

After over a hundred years of service to the community of Connecticut and it's various passers thru' the Yankee Pedlar hotel is finally locking it's doors for good after one final weekend of trading.

The hotel's last two employees, asthmatic cutsie-pie Claire (Last House on The Left and Aquamarine's Paxton) and the bespectacled professional ginger man Luke (Ghost World's Healy), decide to brighten up their last ever shifts by finally recording some real evidence of the ghost that allegedly haunts the premises.

Kelly McGillis farted...and it smelled of Tom Cruise.

Spreading their time between the hotel's paranormal-based website, fetching coffees and dealing with the Pedlars only guest; a mad mum and her brattish child, things brighten up when the bitchy Leanne Rease-Jones (Top Gun tottie McGillis) arrives to book a room.

It appears that Claire's favourite alcoholic (ex) actress has turned new age guru and is in town for a speaking engagement.

Approached by Claire for an autograph, Leanne informs our bowl haired babe that there isn't just one spirit in the hotel but three, so Claire donning headphones and with a ghost-friendly electronic voice phenomenon device at her side heads into the buildings myriad of rooms in the hope of finding some proof of paranormal activity.

Tho' hopefully not any of the three movies of the same name.

Or the Asylum Paranormal Entity rip-offs.

Or The Entity.

Tho' from the look of Luke's internet history he seems the kinda guy who'd have a rubber tit fetish.

"I'm Batman".

Starting off in the creepy confines of the hotel laundry room, Claire gently sways the microphone to and fro, whilst in a moment of visual and aural genius the camera smoothly follows the mike, the viewer hearing only the sounds that it picks up.

Pure movie porn.

Travelling slowly thru' the deserted rooms, a feeling of ominous dread fills the air, the static and silence suddenly interrupted by the distant sound of a piano playing.

Running to tell Luke of her discovery she surprised to see an old man at the front desk.

It appears that he and his late wife spent their honeymoon in the Yankee Pedlar and he's now determined to spend the night in the by now, boxed up and gutted honeymoon suite for a night of  "nostalgia".

Whatever that may mean.

Beware The Krankies basement.

When Claire scares the obnoxious young boy with her tales of ghosts forcing his mother to strop off home in a huff our tipsy twosome are left to their own devices, now even more determined to catch a ghost but after a chat with Leanne regarding the afterlife, Claire is shocked to find that there is more than one ghost in the hotel and that they mean to harm our heroine.

Noticing how scared Claire has become Leanne tries her best to allay her fears, everything will be fine so long as she doesn't go in the basement....

And that's all I'm gonna say save spoiling one of the best old fashioned spooky house stories of recent memory.

Thank you Ti West for re-igniting my love of creepiness after what can only be described as a month of mank-riddled movie monstrosities.

After the fantastic The House of the Devil, West's love letter to early 80's slashers, expectations were high regarding his follow up and frankly he hasn't disappointed.

Well, if I'm honest he seems to have disappointed a few people with it but not me.

Slow burning, slow building and as genuinely scary as a really scary thing, it's tiny (as in small number not little people) cast play out the scenario to perfection with everyone from the adorable Sara Paxton (looking so much cuter here than covered in mud in Last House) to the ginger prince himself Pat Healy, via the legend that is Kelly McGillis giving their all for a story that's as deceptively simple as it is spookily effective.

Saying that tho' the movies greatest scene involves no ghosts whatsoever but does involve Claire, a big bin and a leaky rubbish bag.

Sheer delight.

Jade Goody: The pancake years.

The real star of the film tho' must be the location itself, the very real Yankee Pedlar Inn which comes across as a kinda budget decorated, more homely  version of the Overlook from The Shining mixed with the mundane ordinariness of every cheap hotel you've ever stayed in, the kinda place where even the wallpaper can give you a chill.

Lovingly crafted and beautifully shot, West has created one of the best haunted house films I’ve seen in an age.


And my hat is doffed to the man.