stuff you find behind the local school (part one).

Nuff said.

people you fancy but shouldn't part 39.

It's back on teevee so more Game of Thrones sexiness this time round with the butchly babelicious Brienne Tarth (play to loin stirring perfection by Gwendoline Christie), the only child and heir of Lord Selwyn Tarth of Evenfall Hall and possibly the only 6' 3" sword wielding blonde to ever make the smell of a medieval style joust arousing.

moist haunted.

Another day another found footage farrago. This time it's an American version of Most Haunted that caught my eye (son) only slightly less faked. I really must learn. Grave Encounters (2011). Dir: The Vicious Brothers. Cast:  All the folk listed below because it's real obviously.

Seeing as this is a true story and everything we are about to witness actually happened the movie quite helpfully opens with quick introduction from (the real) television producer Jerry Hartfield where he describes what we are about to see (that'll be Grave Encounters then); a paranormal reality show created by starring band directed by leather jacketed ghost hunter Shane Ritchie (tho' he uses the name Lance Preston for some reason best known to himself).

Anyway after five hit episodes the show was mysteriously cancelled (like Doctor Who in the eighties), the reason as to why has been kept secret until now.
So it wasn't cos it was shite then?

Hartfield, his porn 'tache slowly undulating in the breeze excitedly informs us that the film we're about to see is the raw footage from the sixth and final episode filmed.

And the reason it wasn't show?

Well it seems that everyone involved in it's production died or went mental whilst investigating the notorious (well notorious to anyone who's ever rented out a movie with that name in the title) Collingwood hospital.

Cool, any tension or surprises the film may have had have just been blown in the first few minutes.

How great is that?

Insert cock here.

Anyways, enough chit chat as it's time to meet the shows team of crack paranormal investigators; the aforementioned Preston and his camera crew cum tech' types, British impressionist John Culshaw, seventies pop sensation Suzi Quatro and BBC one talent show star Jaz Ellington.

Also along for the ride is top rocker and famed teevee medium 'Steve' Tyler (under his stage name Whitby Houston).

So far so meh.

Tyler: Intense, obviously he don't wanna miss a thing.

 

Turning up at the supposedly  haunted location we're treated to the genuinely funny site of Preston ramping up the tension with his hyperbolic introductions and deadpan delivery whilst the rest of the crew bribe gardeners and the like to discover more juicy 'facts' about the hospital.

Now had the movie continued in this mock-tastic mode (and lost the everybody dies intro) we'd be in for a treat.

Unfortunately the directors seem intent on throwing away any ounce of originality and instead happily serve up 90 minutes of half baked sub-Silent Hill shocks regarding shoddily CG-ed spectres, phantom bath tubs, sentient corridors and a Devil worshipping, lobotomy obsessed Doctor named Arthur Friedkin all mixed together with scenes lifted wholesale from the vastly superior (and criminally under distributed) Haunted Changi.

Cutting yourself is possibly the best way to stay awake during the film.

 As is the norm, after sitting about joking and farting for a while spooky shite does in fact 'go down' as you youngsters say and one by one the investigators are split up and disposed of in all manner of amusing ways including baths, fog and good old open lift shafts until only Preston is left, alone and snotty in the hospitals underground tunnels, destined to be the next victim of freaky Friedkin's sharp metal stick.

Yawn.

SSSSSHHHIIIIMMMMOOOOO!

Oh dear, now where to start with the so called Vicious Brothers first foray into the cinematic sewer?

The basic idea of a phoney teevee ghost show where the spirits turn out to be real is actually a great concept for a movie, take away the plot blowing opening and the been there seen it spooks and the movie could have worked.

The cast are adequate, the direction is fine and the idea of the building itself reacting to the investigators is one sorely underused, it's a pity that all of this is wasted on such a plodding and threadbare plot.

Why film makers can't just have the courage to drop the viewer straight into the scenario without having to employ a character to say "Look, this is real, honest". is beyond me.

It's not like it suddenly convinces us that it is all real, it just makes us feel like the film makers are convinced none of us have an imagination.

Take Series 7 and Ghostwatch for example, they start as they mean to go on, we know the set up is fake but we go along with it for the thrill of the ride.

It's not all bad tho' as the movie does have one ace up it's sleeve in the guise of Mackenzie Gray who literally (well not literally as that would be a crime) steals every scene he's in as the fake medium Houston Gray.

Worthy of his own spin off series the guy manages to out Acorah the great Derek himself and reminds you of what the movie could have been.

Yvette Fielding will be spinning in her grave.

bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Been a very busy bee recently with a couple of new commissions coming thru' so apologies for the distinct lack of rantings.

Normal service, as ever will be resumed as soon as.

Until then enjoy this groovy cut out and keep Ryan Gosling 'Drive' figure.

dick strangelove.

...or how I stopped worrying and learnt to love the hom.

Welcome to the wackily right wing world of conservative cartoonist Dick Hafer,  best known for his controversially archaic Christian comics, where MAD style artwork sits uncomfortably alongside the most overblown anti-gay rhetoric and fascistic moral bullshit ever written.

It's enough to make Hitler baulk.



But don't just take my word for it, enjoy for yourselves:

And frighteningly enough there's more where this came from.

wood and walters.

After wondering why so many good low budget horror movies were coming out of The States at the moment compared to the UK that currently seems to only produce crap it seems that one of our American cousins has decided to pick up the gauntlet and attempt to make a movie to rival Little Deaths in the 'why bother?' stakes.

I never thought I'd say this but at times like this I miss reviewing quality stuff like TAPE 407: THE MESA RESERVE INCIDENT.

And I must admit that I'm a wee bit frightened to review this seeing as last time I wrote anything here the director gave me a bollocking for mentioning his wife's breasts.

Fuck knows what Jason Horton's gonna do to me cos he looks fairly handy.

Monsters in The Woods (2012).
Dir: Jason Horton.
Cast: Glenn Plummer, Lee Perkins, Jacqui Holland, Linda Bella, Edward Hendershott, Ashton Blanchard, Blaine Cade, Claudia Perea, Gladys Otero and Curt Mega.

Look! It's that poster again!

We open on a child's tent in the local play park where the way to attractive for this movie Suzy (Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver star and scream queen in waiting, the wonderfully deadpan Holland) is enjoying a bout of incredibly noisy lovin' with hunky stud muffin Burt (Hendershott, an actor to watch and surprisingly good given what he has to work with), unluckily for her at the moment of climax and man/chicken hybrid in a wife beater vest pulls Burt out of the tent and to his doom leaving our buxom beauty to scream a lot whilst running around a tree.

Could the movie really be this bad?

Imagine my relief when it's revealed that we're actually watching a film crew shooting a shite monster movie in the woods.

Well, talk about the poststructuralist reaction to the semiotic codes of cinema and all that bollocks, we may be in for a treat here.

Or not.

You see if you're going to open your movie taking the absolute piss out of no budget, no hope straight to DVD 8 mm monstrosities then for fucks sake please make sure that the actually film you're making isn't going to turn out to be the perfect example of the very thing you're vilifying.

I've experienced some shite over the years but none as smelly as this.

Anyway, rant over, back to the ahem 'plot'.

This doesn't even deserve a 'laugh now'.

It seems that ace movie director Jayson (Plummer, who's been in everything from Speed via ER to The Sound of Music - strewth his mortgage must have gone thru the roof this month) finds himself stuck in the middle of nowhere, forced to work with an inept crew and the biggest group of non actors this side of Kill List by a producer who's insisting on adding  reels of excessive sex and violence to his movie.

Add to this his promise of a role to lead Burt's manic girlfriend Ashley (a fantastically sexy, scary and downright mental performance from Eileen Daly alike Bella, an actress who could possibly carry the entire movie on her own) and the annoyance of a documentary crew following his every move has put poor Jayson in a very bad mood.

Trying to keep everyone happy is the put upon script supervisor cum general dogsbody (the elfin Blanchard, owner of this years silkiest and smoothest thighs) and camp as pants soundman Guy (a spot on comedy performance from Perkins).

It's no surprise to say that their job is the hardest on set but it's about to get harder still when not only is Jayson is accidentally killed by a jerry-rigged camera pulley but a horde of blood-thirsty Hell Hounds turn up and start randomly eating folk.

You'd Ashton her Blanchard. Twice.

Unfortunately this is where the movie mutates from enjoyable car crash to smashing thru' the front of your house and maiming your kids, with Plummer and Hendershott out of the picture and Bella's character shunted off to a junked up no-man's land the entire venture suddenly unravels, the hand-held camera format used up until this point is done away with as the picture quality is (slightly) upgraded as the film tries to become a traditional monster movie.

Albeit one without any kind of plot or meaning, which the director quickly tries to cover by having one of the producers admitting to making a pact with the Devil to get his film made or something.

Hence the Hell Hounds arriving to steal souls and the sudden appearance of two Mulder and Scully-like 'Angels' determined to stop whatever's meant to happen at all costs.

Could it get anymore confused?

Hell yeah.

Hell Hoond in mah mooth! - These suits probably look really impressive in real life.

And going from no plot to a whole pot of plot in a matter of minutes does nothing to help hold up the already buckling foundations of the story, this extra unneeded weight only causes whatever goodwill you had for the film to disintegrate leaving you laughing out loud at the whole debacle then feeling like shit for doing so.

I mean I really wanted to enjoy this for what it was and did my best to give it a chance but when it appears that the people making it really don't give a damn then why should I?

Mental Bella dump ya fella.

But it's not all bad.

Well most of it is but putting on my positive hat a fair few of the actors are great and the monsters suits are pretty well designed, looking as they do like a cross stitching of spider, dog and mantis and under more controlled lighting you can imagine them being really effective.

Unfortunately they're shot in the height of summer in various degrees of focus making the whole thing look cheaper than your mum.

It's heartbreaking to see a movie with such potential fail so badly simply thru' lack of discipline and focus, Monsters in The Woods should have been the dogs bollocks whereas it ended up just smelling like them.

I think I'm going to cry now.

seperated at birth?

Lindsey Lohan and Gollum.