kidney fiddler.

As soon as I heard that highly talented director Scott Stewart and Britain's greatest movie star Paul Bettany were re-teaming for a movie after the apocalypse based laughathon that was Legion (think fallen angels fighting the undead - and old ladies so that Dennis Quaid can help a waitress give birth to Jesus) I got rather quite excited.

Then promptly forgot all about it.

Until that is it popped thru my door yesterday.

Priest (2011).
Dir: Scott Stewart.
Cast: Paul Bettany, Karl Urban, Brad Dourif, Cam Gigandet, Alan Dale, Christopher Plummer, Maggie Q, Stephen Moyer, Madchen Amick and Lily Collins.

"After all, if you're not committing sin... you're not having fun".

So let's start with a little info-dump to get us up to speed...

For hundreds of years (and quite possibly even longer), humans and vampires have been involved in a bitter conflict which has devastated the planet's surface, causing even the smallest town to have a sheen of 80's post apocalyptic pop video about it.

The surviving humans live within giant walled cities ruled by The Church and protected by an elite group of warrior priests; mere mortals blessed by God with super human wire fighting skills and sexy black outfits.

After the final battle the majority of vampires were destroyed with the remainder placed in big underground silo's on reservations, therefore saving on the CG budget by not having them wandering around making all manner of faux pas at dinner parties.

With the war over, the creepy clergy, led by Monsignor Brian Orelas (Plummer obviously skint) disbanded the priests and sent them off to be retrained as binmen and children's entertainers etc. whilst beyond the cities walls, humankind live on in relative freedom and a collection of western style outfits.

 Got all that?

Good, so let's go.

"Where's me washboard?"

One rainy Sunday afternoon, lost soul and ex- priest Brian (Bettany, nuff said) is approached by Brian Hicks (Gigandet from Burlesque), the (almost adolescent) sheriff of the nearby town of Augustine.

It appears that the priest's brother True Blood's Moyer) Owen's farm has been attacked by the vile vamps; Owen is at death's door whilst his wife Shannon (Twin peaks Amick) is lying dead in a ditch and his daughter Lucy (ex Genesis drummer Collins) has been kidnapped.

Which as you can probably tell is fairly annoying for our hero.


Partly thru' family honour but mainly because the script calls for it our priestly chum approaches the clergy in the vain hope of having his holy authority to kick vamp arse reinstated, but Orelas is far to busy fiddling with kids to listen, sending our hero on his way with a bee in his ear and lump in his throat.

Not only that but he also bans Bettany from taking any action or starting any fights of any kind.

Holy shit!

"Adele number one from Christmas! Monsta!"

Slightly annoyed at this course of (non) action and realising the movie has gone 20 minutes without an action scene Priest Paul heads of to Augustine in order to hitch up with Hicks and avenge his family.

But as is always the way with these things, a slightly annoyed Orelas sends a group of the priests former comrades to track him down and bring him back.

Dead or alive.

And hopefully with his career still intact.

After a quick goodbye to his (by now fairly smelly) brother and a blink and miss it cameo from Lord Brad of Dourif, Paul the priest and hop-along Hicks head off to the Nightshade Reservation where vampire obsessed humans (all looking scarily like Jah Wobble) live alongside and serve the surviving vampires.

Which is quite lucky for our heroes (and the director) because it means even less GCI to deal with than earlier.

After questioning a few of these familiars regarding the whereabouts of the missing vamps, the priest gets annoyed and kills everyone before waiting till sundown and butchering the remaining blood suckers too.

But not until discovering the the vicious vamps have returned to their hive in  Sola Mira, the site of a botched mission where our religious right-doer lost his best pal, the enigmatic Basil Black Hat (Urban).

Clumsy sod.

"Boiled onions!"

They soon arrive (everything is within handy 5 minutes montage sequence away) at the hive where they're joined by the sexy Pauline Priestess (Q, but not the one from Star Trek), who due to being in love with our hero decides to help him on his mission rather than kill him.

Which is nice.

Between them the priests destroy the hive's guard dog and manage to discover the vampires plan which involves them digging a big tunnel out of the hive, building a train and taking it to the city where a lack of sunlight means that they'll be able to eat everyone with impunity.

And even those without.

But that's not all.

It seems that the vampires are being led by the aforementioned Black Hat who, after the vampire queen took a shine to him is now the first ever human/vampire hybrid.

But that's not all.

It turns out that the priests niece is actually his daughter, his sister-in-law is really his ex-girlfriend and Hicks has been secretly dating Lucy behind her dads (now uncles) back.

Got all that?

Good.

Because Black Hat knows all of this and is hoping to use poor Lucy as bait to capture the priest.

Before firing his vampy man-muck over her pert white breasts obviously.

For Q!

With the clock ticking - and the train choo-chooing - the Priest and his pals head off to catch the train before it reaches it's final destination.

Will Paul the Priest save his daughter?

Will Maggie Q ever pick a good role?

Will the audience see the irony of Bill Compton getting killed by vampires?

And will Bettany's career nosedive get any worse?

"Laugh now!"

CGI laden, clunkily dialogued and butchered to just the basics, Scott Stewart's (incredibly loose) adaptation of Min-Woo Hyung’s Korean graphic novels throws out the main character of Vascar De Gullion and the backstory featuring humanity's battle against the 12 fallen angels and instead replaces all this with generic slo-mo action scenes, cartoony vampires and sets straight out of Blade Runner all lovingly cut to a pompous orchestral score that takes itself about 3 times as seriously as the film does.

That's not to say it isn't enjoyable, Bettany's always worth a giggle and seeing him face of against Neighbours Jim Robinson is worth a few quid in anyones books but it all ends up looking and feeling like a lacklustre pilot for a SyFy channel series.

Albiet with a slightly larger costume budget than normal.

Whilst nowhere near as sphincter squeezing as Legion and far more entertaining than the Kurt Russell abomination Soldier (the film this most resembles) praising it is a wee bit like attempting to decide whether to have dry anal sex with your granny or your auntie.

Saying that tho' it's probably worth a look just to see what former Twin Peaks hottie Madchen Amick has done to her face in the intervening years.

Now that is truly horrifying.

seperated at birth?

greatest. tagline. ever?

stuff you find behind the local school (part one).

Nuff said.

people you fancy but shouldn't part 39.

It's back on teevee so more Game of Thrones sexiness this time round with the butchly babelicious Brienne Tarth (play to loin stirring perfection by Gwendoline Christie), the only child and heir of Lord Selwyn Tarth of Evenfall Hall and possibly the only 6' 3" sword wielding blonde to ever make the smell of a medieval style joust arousing.

moist haunted.

Another day another found footage farrago. This time it's an American version of Most Haunted that caught my eye (son) only slightly less faked. I really must learn. Grave Encounters (2011). Dir: The Vicious Brothers. Cast:  All the folk listed below because it's real obviously.

Seeing as this is a true story and everything we are about to witness actually happened the movie quite helpfully opens with quick introduction from (the real) television producer Jerry Hartfield where he describes what we are about to see (that'll be Grave Encounters then); a paranormal reality show created by starring band directed by leather jacketed ghost hunter Shane Ritchie (tho' he uses the name Lance Preston for some reason best known to himself).

Anyway after five hit episodes the show was mysteriously cancelled (like Doctor Who in the eighties), the reason as to why has been kept secret until now.
So it wasn't cos it was shite then?

Hartfield, his porn 'tache slowly undulating in the breeze excitedly informs us that the film we're about to see is the raw footage from the sixth and final episode filmed.

And the reason it wasn't show?

Well it seems that everyone involved in it's production died or went mental whilst investigating the notorious (well notorious to anyone who's ever rented out a movie with that name in the title) Collingwood hospital.

Cool, any tension or surprises the film may have had have just been blown in the first few minutes.

How great is that?

Insert cock here.

Anyways, enough chit chat as it's time to meet the shows team of crack paranormal investigators; the aforementioned Preston and his camera crew cum tech' types, British impressionist John Culshaw, seventies pop sensation Suzi Quatro and BBC one talent show star Jaz Ellington.

Also along for the ride is top rocker and famed teevee medium 'Steve' Tyler (under his stage name Whitby Houston).

So far so meh.

Tyler: Intense, obviously he don't wanna miss a thing.

 

Turning up at the supposedly  haunted location we're treated to the genuinely funny site of Preston ramping up the tension with his hyperbolic introductions and deadpan delivery whilst the rest of the crew bribe gardeners and the like to discover more juicy 'facts' about the hospital.

Now had the movie continued in this mock-tastic mode (and lost the everybody dies intro) we'd be in for a treat.

Unfortunately the directors seem intent on throwing away any ounce of originality and instead happily serve up 90 minutes of half baked sub-Silent Hill shocks regarding shoddily CG-ed spectres, phantom bath tubs, sentient corridors and a Devil worshipping, lobotomy obsessed Doctor named Arthur Friedkin all mixed together with scenes lifted wholesale from the vastly superior (and criminally under distributed) Haunted Changi.

Cutting yourself is possibly the best way to stay awake during the film.

 As is the norm, after sitting about joking and farting for a while spooky shite does in fact 'go down' as you youngsters say and one by one the investigators are split up and disposed of in all manner of amusing ways including baths, fog and good old open lift shafts until only Preston is left, alone and snotty in the hospitals underground tunnels, destined to be the next victim of freaky Friedkin's sharp metal stick.

Yawn.

SSSSSHHHIIIIMMMMOOOOO!

Oh dear, now where to start with the so called Vicious Brothers first foray into the cinematic sewer?

The basic idea of a phoney teevee ghost show where the spirits turn out to be real is actually a great concept for a movie, take away the plot blowing opening and the been there seen it spooks and the movie could have worked.

The cast are adequate, the direction is fine and the idea of the building itself reacting to the investigators is one sorely underused, it's a pity that all of this is wasted on such a plodding and threadbare plot.

Why film makers can't just have the courage to drop the viewer straight into the scenario without having to employ a character to say "Look, this is real, honest". is beyond me.

It's not like it suddenly convinces us that it is all real, it just makes us feel like the film makers are convinced none of us have an imagination.

Take Series 7 and Ghostwatch for example, they start as they mean to go on, we know the set up is fake but we go along with it for the thrill of the ride.

It's not all bad tho' as the movie does have one ace up it's sleeve in the guise of Mackenzie Gray who literally (well not literally as that would be a crime) steals every scene he's in as the fake medium Houston Gray.

Worthy of his own spin off series the guy manages to out Acorah the great Derek himself and reminds you of what the movie could have been.

Yvette Fielding will be spinning in her grave.

bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Been a very busy bee recently with a couple of new commissions coming thru' so apologies for the distinct lack of rantings.

Normal service, as ever will be resumed as soon as.

Until then enjoy this groovy cut out and keep Ryan Gosling 'Drive' figure.