seperated at birth?

That Snooki(?) bird and an Orc, suggested by reader Val Guest.

people you fancy but shouldn't (part 43).

German volleyball goddess Laura Ludwig.

sad single women - an apology.

In my review of Cool for Cats I mistakenly wrote the phrase: Shoddily made shite for sad single women when in fact I obviously meant to write Shoddily made shite for single women's sad cats.

My inbox have been literally overwhelmed with complaints from hundreds of obviously not at all sad single women (some with cats) so I'd like to not only apologize for any hurt or insult caused but also present my handy visual guide to women with (and without) cats.


Enjoy.

Normal lady with cat (not sad).

Sad cat.

Sad lady (with bag cats).

Sad lady (without cat).

Bat-Cat (without lady, he works alone).

Normal lady (without cat) yesterday.

Hope that clears everything up.

pussy galore.

Less a review more a horrified rant.

Was rifling around my local charity shop t'other day when I came across this beauty.

Literally.

Yes dear friends I have seen pure evil and it's name is...

Cool for Cats (1992)
Dir: Liam Dale.
Cast: Peter Neville, some cats and a dog.

Before I start I'd like to admit that I have never owned, flirted with or shagged a cat but a friend of mine has two.

Two cats that is, not two things on the list.

So, as a good friend I purchased this for her, assuming this is the kinda thing felines watch.

You see, according to the back cover, this video is 'officially good feline therapy' and looking over host Professor Peter Neville's credentials who am I to argue?

Neville: Just the pussy he's been looking for.

Not only is he a Companion Animal Behaviour Therapist but was also a Clinical Professor at Miyazaki University and an Adjunct Professor at the Dept of Animal Sciences at The Ohio State University.

 Besides all that he also writers books about famous fascists.



Tho' I have no idea if he links these two hobbies together.

Mussolini: Pussy not shown (or shaved probably).

Before viewing I decided it'd be a good thing to immerse myself in cat culture to have a better idea of what to expect, obviously I personally wouldn't be able to experience the unique visual and aural frequencies (only heard/seen by, you guessed it, cats) used in the presentation but was intrigued as to why the video was labelled 'revolutionary'.

Did it contain hidden messages that will make my cute house cats turn raunchy revolutionaries with big guns?

Three boxes of tissues and a Pot Noodle later and I was ready to go.

A cat yesterday. Sort of.

After a short introduction regarding dormant cat hunting instincts from the Crippenesque Professor Neville, (more Dr. Shipman than Dr. Doolittle), the action really starts as we (humans and cats) are subjected to a 60 minute equivalent of the Ludvico Technique as interpreted a drug-fuelled ADHD suffering Mr. Tumble after spending three weeks on the isle of Lesbos.

And not in a good way.

"I'm shagging your weans!"

Whilst the frankly terrifying sounds of animals rutting fills your ears, your eyes are viciously assaulted by random shots of birds OD-ing on patio's plus panicking mice; both the real kind and occasionally some truly frightening fake ones that look like they've been stitched together from rotten, gangrenous flesh by hook handed Polish orphans, plus various types of fish banging their heads against the walls of their tanks alongside almost subliminal shots of bizarre wooly balls hanging limply from threads.

Oh yes, and frogs.

But that's not all.

Occasionally, after lulling our feline friends into a false sense of security, random images of dogs would appear intercut with almost pornographic footage of cats licking themselves as superimposed blurry blue dots move randomly around the screen.

I don't know if it's meant to affect mere humans but after only 30 minutes I discovered that I'd shat a kidney.

And can still see the blue dot weeks later.

Almost as if it's following me, telling me to do things.

Bad things.

To your mum.

Cat porn: Ban this sick filth!

  Shoddily made shite for sad single women, the greatest piece of arthouse cinema ever made or a feline version of the video from Ringu?

YOU decide.

But be warned, after viewing Cool for Cats your life (and sanity) may never be the same again.

"Laugh now!"

By the way, can you smell fish?

dead air.

After nigh on 25 years I've decided to get re-acquainted with an old friend.

Well I say friend.

The Video Dead (1987).
Dir: Robert Scott
Cast: Michael St. Michaels, Thaddeus A. Golas, Sam David McClelland, Al Millan, Roxanna Augesen, Lory-Michael Ringuette, Jennifer Miro, Rocky Duvall and Vickie Bastel.

"You don't understand he likes to go into the woods and try to mate with skunks only skunks don't like to mate with poodles so they spray him and then he really gets turned on!"

Gin soaked writer Henry Jordan (St. Michaels best known for his portrayal as the  Inter-Security Guard in the Mrs. Z episode of Diff'rent Strokes) awakes from his piss stained sleep one morn to find that a television set has been delivered to his house without him ever remembering ordering one.

But saying that, from the state of the arse on his trousers he doesn't remember when he last wiped his backside either.

Realizing that a free teevee means a daily dose of luscious Lorraine Kelly he readily accepts, only to discover that the sole programme the television picks up is a tedious black and white zombie movie excitedly entitled "Zombie Blood Nightmare".

 Which is nice, if a wee bit harder to wank over.

Lorraine: Kind hearted, problem solving MiLF muck bucket.

Despite his best attempts to turn off the teevee (even going as far as to unplug it), the set keeps broadcasting, bring the undead ever closer to the screen till one day, in a bravado display of torchlight and fag smoke the Zombies manifest in the real world.

Spooky.

Would you believe it? Turns out that the dopey delivery men had delivered the set to the wrong address, it was meant to go to the Institute for Paranormal Research next door!

Not that it does Henry any good seeing as the pair find him tied up in the hallway of his house decked out in a party hat and rubber galoshes.

And  dead as disco.

"Laugh now!"

Jumping forward in time (but not space unfortunately) three months and the world's oldest (and squared chinned) teenager Zoe Blair (Augesen in her only screen role) arrives at the house.

It seems her parents have purchased it at a knock down price to celebrate their return from  the Middle East after some hush hush business affair and it's Zoe's job to get everything ship (or house) shaped before they turn up festooned with bizarre rugs, stuffed animals and deadly toy donkeys.

 Also there to help is her cool 'punker' brother Jeff (Duvall, now Artistic Director at Dance Arts Conservatory) who, rather than tidy up and clean the toilet decides to chat up the local bequiffed rich bitch and professional dog walker April Ellison (stone wash queen Bastel, most famous for appearing on all fours in the fantastic coke n' kinky sex whore scene in The Bad Lieutenant, you know the one where Harvey stumbles about with his cock out), inviting her in for 'drinks' and a chance to admire his fluffily spiked, rodent like hair.



 Ah true love eh?

"One day, if I'm lucky, Harvey Keitel will cum on my arse." See girls, dreams CAN come true!

Unfortunately just as Jeff is about to show her his Adam Ant coloured vinyl collection (ask your parents) the dog (a feisty little thing named Chocolate, played here with stunning realism and charm by Bachelor in his only screen role) escapes into the woods behind the house where it unfortunately comes across a zombie that just happened to be wandering around.

For the last three months.

With no-one noticing.

Not too surprisingly the zombie kills the dog, leaving not only April in trouble with the owners but with Jeff the chance to show off his wacky sense of humour as he devises an oh so amusing reason to explain the dogs death.

Obviously eaten by zombies doesn't ring true in this part of America whereas chocking on a teenage boys ball does.

Filthy pervert.

Daniels: Tiny hat.

Anyway back to the plot where that very afternoon, a chubby cowboy in a tiny hat by the name of Joshua Daniels (McClelland, nothing worth mentioning, sorry Sam) comes to the Blair's front door looking for the television set.

He claims that he bought it at a carboot  sale but mailed it to the Paranormal Institute after it killed his wife.

Sounds plausible.

Not to Jeff tho' who turns him away before heading into the cellar to look for the magical teevee for himself.

What a rascal.

Dragging it back up to his room and armed with tissues and 'the pot' Jeff turns the teevee on (saucy) and settles down to enjoy the zombie mayhem.

Just as it looks as tho' the plot might kick in the screen goes all wibbly wobbly and the zombies are replaced by the image of a stunning blonde bombshell in a shear black nightie (ex Nuns founder, the late, great Miro) beckoning seductively to Jeff and our troublesome teen, not believing his eyes gives a double take that'd do Les Dennis proud.

In a flash of light (bulbs) this vision of beauty is made flesh and before long is snogging the face off lucky Jeff.

Miro: a mooth made for shite-in in.

But like most blondes she disappears just before the moment of climax leaving Jeff confused, angry and with a glistening dampness on the end of his penis.

We've all been there.

Hiding his erection with a copy of Titbits whilst gazing at his new lady friend back on the screen our teen tearaway is shocked (kind of) when a sweaty tramp appears behind her and cuts her throat, revealing her true for of that of a hideous rotten zombie.

Still with great tits mind.

The man introduces himself to a still reeling (and erect) Jeff as "The Garbage Man," and warns our hero that the only way to prevent more zombies from entering our world (and probably our pets) is to tape a mirror to the teevee screen.

I'll buy that.

Titbits....articles and the like.

This is all well and good but for those of you who've been following the plot you may remember that a few of the zombies (the ones they could afford make-up for) are already shambling about in the woods.

And have chosen the very next day to attack.

Arse.

"I've got something to put in you".

Morning comes (unlike Jeff who just lay awake halfheartedly fiddling and adjusting his boxers as he wondered if his sister would notice the stain when she came to wash them) and the zombies arrive on the street, first making short work of April's dad and his manly maid before moving on to their next-door neighbours and finally laying siege to Zoe and Jeff's house.

Obviously they're making up for lost time.

Luckily our teen trio (April has come to stay due to the fact that her bedroom is covered in bits of her father) have help, for who should return but Cowboy Daniels, tool up, pissed up and ready to fight the good fight.

Yeeha!

Ronnie Barker: The return.

Joshua, being the only semi-literate member of the cast explains to the others that the zombies, being in a flux state between life and death, kill humans out of jealousy and will only attack if they sense fear.

So far so good.

Mirrors, he adds, repulse them because it reminds them that they're actually dead (you think the smell would be a giveaway) and they can be destroyed by trapping them in an enclosed space, which causes them to go full on mentalist and eat each other.

It's almost as if the writer has taken the time to think this bit thru.

Which, frankly is a terrifying thought.

Determined to last out the night Jeff and Zoe begin to barricade the house, unfortunately they board up everything except the front door which allows a Serious Moonlight era Bowie zombie to sneak in and kidnap April.

 Our heroes decide to do nothing until morning, which is nice.

If you say run, I'll run with you
If you say hide, we'll hide
Because my love for you
Would break my heart in two
If you should fall
Into my arms
And tremble like a flower

The sun rises and Joshua and Jeff head into the woods to finally hunt down the zombies.

About fucking time.

Approaching an abandoned kids camp (complete with burnt bits of paper, some jazz mags and various bits of poor April spread around the place) Joshua has a quick scout around before deciding that it would make a perfect spot to ambush the undead.

Before busying himself setting up a sniper den Joshua has the fantastic plan of hoisting Jeff up on an old tree swing to use as bait for the zombies.

Jeff, none too surprisingly is not happy.

Davros: The wedding.

Anyway, back to the action where zombies are slowly converging on the camp as a trigger happy Joshua takes them down one-by-one with a toy bow and arrow.

Indeed this is the most action packed movie ever.

As is the way in such films, one of the zombies escapes the ensuing massacre, and Jeff and Joshua, high on bloodlust and paint fumes head off in hot pursuit only for Joshua to get munched on and a shot to fuck Jeff to get stuck in a handy bear trap.

Could it get any worse?

Well indeed it could seeing as the zombies suddenly realize that they are in fact undead (as opposed to um, dead-dead?) get back up on their feet and converge on Jeff, killing him to death.

Next stop; the house and a chance to feast out on Zoe's warm, smooth thighs.

It doesn't matter how hard you brush, you'll never get the taste of this shit script out of your mouth.

Zoe's no fool tho' and remembering that the zombies only attack when they sense fear, opens the front door and invites them in.

 Party time.

Not only that but she makes them snacks and drinks before inviting them into the basement for a dance.

She is good.

Just no idea who she's gonna smooch with to Spandau Ballet's True at the end of the night.

We'll never no the answer tho' as no sooner has the music started playing that our fearless floosie legs it up the stairs and locks them in.

Result.

As predicted the zombies go crazy ape mental and eat one another.

The End.

Or is it?

Timothy Spall: The pikey years.

Jump forward again and poor Zoe has been institutionalized (no doubt for crimes against denim) and after spending at least a fortnight dribbling over her shirt she's awoken in time for her parents (finally! they're here!) to visit and, lucky her, they've brought her a surprise.

Yup, it's the battered old teevee set from the house.

A friendly orderly pops it on the end of her bed and turns it on and after a flicker of static  "Zombie Blood Nightmare" begins.

A terrified Zoe, frozen with fear and dried spittle can only watch as the zombies turn to face her and begin to advance toward the screen.

 

A huge hit on it's home video release (thanks in part to it's fantastic EC style cover art and it's titles resemblance to The Evil Dead) Robert (Now a major teevee assistant director working on everything from House to Heroes) Scott's first excursion into cinema may be a heady brew of trashy gore, cut price Halloween masks, ne'er been actors, atrocious continuity and a script so badly constructed it's a wonder it didn't collapse the first time anyone breathed on it with the added bonus of the most annoying farty synth score since 1972 Doctor Who story The Sea Devils but surprisingly (and frighteningly) it works.

Sylvester McCoy prepares for an appearance in the Doctor Who 50th anniversary story....but first the dole office!

With an estimated budget of only $80,000 (the majority of which must have gone on Vickie Bastel's hair), Scott throws caution (and and any sense of logic) to the wind filling the movie with enough humour (intentional and otherwise), home-made gunk, accidental pantie shots and admittedly bright ideas to shame most big budget horror epics.

Yes I'm looking at you Resident Evil series.

Again.

But  please, no Bluray release.....I doubt the zombies could take it.

jurassic lark.

The first in an ongoing series featuring the characters from Jurassic Park and their insect equivalents.

Enjoy.

More reviews soon I promise.

rejected pitches 2.

Just got an Email back from Marvel/20th Century Fox, the bastards have rejected my pitch for the X-Men-First Class sequel.



I still believe it could be the greatest superhero movie since The Phantom.

Here goes:

Pimping professor Charles Xavier decides to build a brothel as a tool to making humans get along with mutants and the like.

Storm, Rogue, Jubilee, Cyclops, Jean and others, Xavier’s former students, will help by working in the Brothel.

Magneto is responsible for looking over Xavier’s Brothel, rating the establishment’s quality from time to time, and helping him by attracting richer and more powerful costumers.

Reed Richards opens a downmarket brothel, staffed by street urchins, homeless teens and former members of Alpha flight next door.

Super heroic rivalry and hilarity ensues.

And if you're reading this Mark Millar, you can have this for a packet of Silk Cut and a tenner.