it's a knockout.

It's a little known fact outside Take A Break Magazine that every seven years, thirty of the world’s best (and sexiest) assassins all descend upon an unsuspecting town somewhere to spend twenty-four hours drinking, smoking and trying to kill each other.

To death.

And the point of it all is?

Well The last contestant standing receives a whooping $10 million cash prize, a fridge freezer, a lifetimes supply of Cheese Strings and the title of Top Assassin ever.

Well until the next meeting obviously.

Betting on the outcome is a group of mysterious billionaires (with wobbly man tits as big as their wallets) who watch the entire proceedings on a wall of shiny widescreen teevee's in a smoke and whore filled room whilst professional Oirishman and sexy bugger Liam Cunningham keeps everyone up to date with the scores, the weather reports and impromptu impressions of 1970's celebrities.

Welcome my friends to...

The Tournament (2009).
Dir: Scott Mann.
Cast: Robert Carlyle, Kelly Hu, Ian Somerhalder, Liam Cunningham, Ving Rhames, Sébastien Foucan and Scott Adkins.

"What's the matter, Mr. Harlow? Are you out of bullets? Why, here, have some of mine!"

...Which this time around is being brought to you live from the glamourous northern town of Middlesbrough, the birthplace of such fantastic celebrities as Chris Rea, Journey South, magician Paul Daniels and Over the Rainbow quarter-finalist Jessica Robinson.

Tho' the thing that sums up the town best is that it's twinned with Dunkirk.

Which means that any mayhem and destruction that's caused during the competition will almost certainly go unnoticed.

Journey South: That'll be up the shitter then.

Just to make absolutely sure tho' the town’s phone lines have been re-routed to prevent calls to the emergency services and just to make sure that the investors get their moneys worth (and experience all the action) every CCTV camera has been hi-jacked for use by the tournament.

If that wasn't enough, every contestant has had a pesky flashing tracker device surgically implanted under their skin so that not only can the tournament’s organizers follow their every move but so can their opponents.

It's a wee bit like that old ITV show gameshow Interceptor but without former tennis goddess Annabel Croft's fantastic arse or an annoying fucker from Bellshill running around brandishing a toy gun and acting the hard man.

Robert Carlyle, as we all know, is from Maryhill.

Tho' he does at one point brandish a gun.

Any other similarities are up to you.

Me?

I quite like the bloke, plus he occasionally shops in my local Sainsbury and looks like he can handle himself.

I'm not stupid.

Carlyle: Handy.

But I digress.

Anyway, a tournament of such ferocity is nothing without the right contestants and the latest seems to be the best mix yet.

There's the cutesy Chinese killing machine with a mysterious past, Lai Lai Zhen  (Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan's Hu); badass mofo Joshua Harlow (Rhames, taking a break from murdering Romero remakes) the games previous champion on a mission to discover who killed his wife, Anton Bogart (stuntman turned actor Foucan) the parkour obsessed Frenchman and the dog murdering Texan Miles Slade (Somerhalder from teevee's Lost) as well as a motley assortment of bearded Russian's, tubby Chinamen and a variety of Etchasketch villains in market stall hoodies.

Oh yes, and a drunken Catholic priest Father MacAvoy (Carlyle playing, well Robert Carlyle but that's no bad thing), suffering from a crisis of faith who accidentally digests one of the trackers whilst trying to sober up after a particularly heavy night on the slash.

Hu: Would.

Cue 90 minutes of shootouts, hotel room finger removals, a fist fight in a church that culminates in a grenade throwing match, a gunfight in a stripclub and a ludicrously enjoyable climax which pits Carlyle's bus stealing vicar and Hu's sweaty cleavage against an indestructible Ving Rhames on a glamourous sliproad just off the M28.

And all this whilst a skinny French bloke bounces his way around a drizzly Middlesbrough like a crack fuelled Tigga and the predominantly Brit cast chew gum and pretend to be American.

Yes I'm looking at you Andy Nyman.

C'mon, what's not to love?

"Shite in mah mooth or pish in mah bottle?"

True the whole thing is utterly ridiculous from beginning to end with plot holes big enough to drive the aforementioned bus thru' but when a movie is this much fun does it really matter?

And who'd have thought that after some of the abysmal shite that's come out of the UK in the last few years (Kill List, Little Deaths, The Children and the rest) that it'd be an ex-director of teevee's Stars in Their Eyes that would end up the saviour of British cinema?

Scott Mann, we salute you.

Cunningham: Happy days.

Yes, I know The Tournament might not be the most original movie ever made (and I reckon the cast and crew are aware of this too) but if you crack open a beer or two and let yourself go with the flow you'll be rewarded with an hour and a half of nicely choreographed ultra-violence, some strong all round performances, some great stunt work and the added thrill of gazing whistfully at Kelly Hu's luxurious hair.

What more could you ask for?

On second thoughts don't answer that.

what if...

Nicolas Cage had played E.T?

(more) box art (frenzy).

More fantastic artwork from the heady days of VHS.

Enjoy!

people you fancy but shouldn't (part 45).

To celebrate the release of Skyfall, it has to be the sexiest Bond babe ever.

I know I would.

Twice.

coincidence?

i think not.

slasherific.

Not one to usually review documentaries (they're really hard to add 'shite in mah mooths' and 'laugh now!' to, let alone it's almost impossible to add in crude jokes at the plots expense) but this is a special case.

Slice and Dice: The Slasher Film Forever (2012).

Dir: Calum Waddell.
Editor/ producer: Naomi Holwill.
Associate producers: Nick Frame and Justin Kerswell.
With, well almost everybody who's anybody related to the slasher genre.

"Nobody mows a lawn with a chainsaw!" - Jeffrey Reddick, Creator: Final Destination film series

 Being lucky enough to see a sneak peek of the production before it explodes (in the most blood drenched manner possible) on the festival circuit, Slice and Dice: The Slasher Film Forever is not only the definitive record of that much maligned (but much loved genre) but quite possibly the most entertaining movie documentary I've ever had the pleasure of sitting thru'.

And that's not just because I'm a card (well, machete) carrying slasher fan either.

Frankly it's all down to the High Rising Productions team headed up by director Waddell and editor/ producer/animator extraordinaire Holwill and their genuine love and respect for the subject matter.

Honing their craft producing the supplementary features for Arrow video's award winning horror releases, the high regard and professional courtesy they have obviously given their interviewees over the years has certainly paid of here, rarely have I ever seen such a mix of horror legends (from both behind and infront of the camera) speak so openly and so passionately about the slasher movie.

Feldman: Chatty.

From the opening salvo from the Voorhees vanquishing cult king Corey Feldman to soundbites from the usually reclusive Norman Warren via all points inbetween, it's almost as if everyone featured was actually sitting on your sofa having a good old chat with you.

Which I must admit was fairly disturbing during the Alex Chandon sections as I swear I could almost taste his Pagan Man aftershave burning the back of my throat.

But then again, it's all worth it when the fantastically gorgeous Felissa Rose (I'm an 80's guy, what of it?) turns up talking about nuns and night shoots.

Rose: I would. Twice. Maybe three times on a Thursday.

Slice and Dice comes into it's own not just because of the quality of interviews presented but by the sheer quantity of those being interviewed, I lost count in the mid twenties, taken aback as I was by the abundance of clips illustrating the genre's history.

From Psycho to The Boogeyman and even (gulp) Cradle of Fear, if a movie features virgin flesh being violated by a blade then you'll find it here.

And more besides.

Warren: Specs appeal.

A frankly magnificent and unmissable trip thru' the celluloid slash-scape, Slice and Dice is a must for, well everybody if I'm honest.

Recommended. A lot.

Just you're average email.

just received this email at The Arena.

 

Fuck knows why.

 

But saying that it's better than the usual death threats.

 

Probably.

 

Rupert Grint: A warning.

Rupert Grint’s gargantuan hands reach out and shove you back into the chair, hairy knuckles squeezing your shoulders painfully at the end of his gangly arms. “Oi’ve hit me puberty,” he intones in his gravelly new voice, “so now oi’m the man!” He stands upright, towering over you, and leans his head back to let you appreciate his first claim to adulthood: the rudiments of a scraggly beard appearing along the line of his jaw. He twists one between his thumb and forefinger, tugging it gingerly. “Cor! ‘at’s a right pisser, ‘innit?”

You don’t have time to answer before he shifts his attention downward, to the fly of his jeans. He lifts his Hogwarts jersey and, with a few deft movements, it stands before you: his thick, unclipped, distinctly British hog. This is not the dainty, elegantly tapered ginger morsel you remember. Brackish pubes menace from his distended scrotum, curling outward at you. The sack itself has taken on the appearance of Mickey Rooney, seemingly aging a lifetime in mere months, and his penis has exchanged its youthful pallor for a yellow-brown tinge that reminds you of overripe fruit.

“‘orright mate, get to work, get to work! I’m not gon’ta’ wank i’!” He bellows his baritone commands at you expectantly, even as the monster begins to take shape. As if awakening for the first time in its wretched existence, his meaty chud rises off his balls with a malevolent swagger. He lets it brush against your cheek and leans backward, allowing you one last, furtive glimpse of the boy you once loved.. and the abomination he has become.

Steeling yourself, you return your eyes to the task before you. He is ready now, you realize, his slit glistening with precum, his shaft twitching with his heartbeat. This is it. You detect the scent of fish and vinegar on the air, and it reminds you of better times. It seems so long ago….