fancy a fox?

Possibly the scariest thing I've ever been sent...a creepily crap Starfox/Dinosaur slash story presented as an animated Gif.

Yup, a GiF, not even flash or a flicker book.

Nice to know readers of this blog make the effort.

Enjoy.

If that's the right word.

people you fancy but shouldn't (part 48).

OK it's been a long time coming but after finally catching up with Forbrydelsen I have to admit that there is no other detective on teevee to hold a candle to the sheer sexual presence of the magnificently mumsy (and oh so Aspie) Sarah Lund played to pant-staining perfection by the superbly saucy Sofie Gråbøl.

It's that tilted head/eyebrow thing does it for me.

space grape.

I'll make this a quick one seeing as I'm still suffering the after effects of viewing this lost 'masterpiece'.

Which reminds me, does anyone know how to get rid of bloody stools?

Groom Lake (AKA The Visitor, 2002).
Dir: William Shatner.
Cast: William Shatner, Dan Gauthier, Amy Acker and Tom Towles.

“When life on this planet ceases to exist, then all that infinite space will be without life...But if there’s other life out there, it proves that we aren’t an accident, that we’re part of a process, a continuum as endless and timeless as space itself.”

For those of you who don't know (or care) Groom Lake is a salt flat situated in the Nevada desert on the north of Area 51.

A quasi-secret military facility, it's main job is to fill the night skies with pant wettingly freaky Justin Bieber style laser light shows in order to convince the local populace that UFO's genuinely exist therefore covering up the launches of the many secret aircraft tested on the site.

Luckily there's a twist to all this Po-faced sub X Files/Project: UFO bollocks because the facilities commander, the ruggedly handsome John Gossner (Shatner, no introduction necessary) actually has a real spaceship and it's occupant alien hiding in the basement as they attempt to send him/it home.

What are the chances eh?

"Are you lookin' at mah bra?"

Meanwhile back in the desert the sickly (in more ways than one) sweet Kate (Angel star Acker) and her massive arse of a boyfriend Andy (Gauthier, whose claim to fame seems to be playing the co-pilot from episode 1 of Lost) have come out to Groom Lake so that the poor girl (who has recently been diagnosed with terminal gout and rickets) can sit under the stars one last time before she dies.

And maybe even see a flying saucer.

Acker: rickets.

Tho' had she know that she was going to have to suffer thru' 90 minutes of no budget, no mercy soul searching intercut with moments of Dan Gauthier's character veering madly and nonsensically between sensitive guy and arsehole without rhyme nor reason whilst horror stalwart Towles attempts to convince us he's acting against a real snake then I'm pretty sure she'd have offed herself before the opening titles.

"Fuck me it's Fred Titmuss!"

Which, if I'm honest would have probably been a good thing seeing as all we'd have had left would be the legend that is Bill Shatner stomping around an army base gruffly shouting at government types whilst trying to save an alien (in this case uniquely portrayed as an old man in a nappy) from something slight, incomprehensible and shoddily realized.

Which really isn't Shatner's fault seeing as the poor sod has been given a budget of roughly $75 to make an earthbound equivalent of 2001: A Space Odyssey.

In saying that, once he saw that the cash for the hi-tech military base would only stretch to painting his garage white and decorating it with a few second hand I-macs he maybe should have scaled down his ambition.

Or just spent the cash on pizza and booze for those six of us who actually sat thru' it.

What's big, brown and shags old ladies? Bill Shatner in his big, brown granny shagging suit!

Especially the scene where, after being stranded in the desert due to Andy rolling his car in a fit of pique, Kate is apparently sexually assaulted by a local stetson wearing family who are convinced she's an alien.

And it's this scene that showcases the movies wildly schizophrenic tone,  two-thirds of which plays out like a bad 70's TV pilot that's constantly fighting for space against a really serious tale regarding the nature of life and mortality.

Tho' as a plus point you do get to see Acker's pants.

Dad.

Acting wise the movie stumbles drunkenly between the good (Shatner, Acker and Towles - on top form here as a psychotic truck driver), the bad (Gauthier) and the frankly abysmal (everyone else) with some performances so hideous as to become almost psychologically painful to watch.

No wonder it's been so long since the last update, you're lucky I'm still not playing in my own shite after this.

Tho' if you're a fan of Shatner (and who isn't?) you're gonna have to go out and watch it anyway.

Just don't say I didn't warn you.

The bad movie bar of 2013 has been raised so high that anyone wanting to beat it has probably got to film their movie in orbit.

dead end.

Another new film?

It's almost like claudia Winkleman has taken over.

Well not quite but almost.

Anyroadup, I wont give too much away seeing as it appears that only myself, the director and Alan Jones has seen it.

Enjoy.

John Dies At The End (2012).
Dir: Don Coscarelli.
Cast: Chase Williamson, Rob Mayes, Paul Giamatti, Fabianne Therese, Clancy Brown, Glynn Turman, Daniel Roebuck, Jimmy Wong, Doug Jones and Sir Angus of Scrimm.

Last night you had a dream. Your mother was beating you... with a whip of knotted together dicks.

In a down market Chinese restaurant somewhere in the good old US of A, fresh-faced everyman slacker David Wong (Williamson) is awaiting the arrival of down at heel (yet bright of shirt) reporter Arnie Blondestone (the always watchable Giamatti), who's job it will be to document Dave's amazing supernatural experiences.

You see, Dave isn't your normal monster battling teen (well as normal as anyone in that line of work can be) thanks to an accidental dose of a bizarre living hallucinogenic known only as 'Soy Sauce'.

Rather than killing him (as is the usual effect) the drug has somehow turned our heroes mind into a conduit to other dimensions and alternate futures, all flowing back and forth and up and down in a constant stream of patented freakishness.

And surprisingly that not the strangest bit.

Or even the beginning of the story.

Dave - not John - who may, or may not die. At the end.

It all begins when Dave, arriving home late with a stray dog after seeing his best pal John Cheese's band playing a gig in a park, gets a frantic call from his buddy, pleading with him to come over to his apartment.

Upon his arrival, Dave finds John half naked and not a little bit delusional and being a good pal decides to take him to a hospital but not before pocketing a syringe full of black liquid, reasoning that the doctors will want to know what John's been taking.

What a nice guy.

Becoming slightly more lucid,  John refuses to go to the hospital, reckoning that all he needs to settle himself is a strong black coffee and a muffin so our oddball heroes head to the local diner when John explains all about the liquid and it's unique abilities.

David surprisingly takes this really calmly until, that is, he receives a phone call from a future version of John apologizing for everything that is going to happen.

The John sitting opposite him just shrugs and pours more coffee.

Dave farted. It was an eggy one.

Deciding it'd be best just to take John home and let him sleep things off, Dave bundles his bud into his car and proceeds to head home but as is always the way with these situations not everything goes according to plan.

Suddenly John falls unconscious and in the ensuing panic the syringe in Dave's pocket accidentally gets stuck into his leg, causing him to start hallucinating all kinds of strange shit.

If that wasn't enough to ruin the evening, an inter-dimensional character named Robert North (Abe Sapien himself, Jones) appears in the back of the car and sticks a giant slimy turd-worm onto Dave's chest.


Dave does what most of us would do in this situation and slams down the breaks before tearing the turd from his chest and tossing it out of the window.

By this time North has inexplicably disappeared, leaving Dave having to explain his bad driving and stompy behaviour to the hard bitten detective Appleton who just happened to witness everything on his way back from the chippy.

Appleton takes Dave and a still unconscious John to the police station, where he questions poor confused Dave about a mass murder that occurred after the gig.

 Dave is, to say the least a little bemused by these turn of events.

Especially when he realizes that he knows beforehand exactly what Appleton is going to say.

Which kinda cushions the blow when he informs our hero that John is dead.

Sir Tom Jones modelling your mum's new vibrator yesterday.

Luckily for Dave, being dead isn't enough to stop John from ringing his pal to explain the plot.

A plot that involves not only Dr. Albert Marconi, the worlds top teevee psychic (the legend that is Clancy Brown), a wooden handed girl and a dog named Bark Lee  but also a giant pan-dimensional Demigod named Korrok who's intent on destroying all realities.

Which is nice.

"Laugh now!"

 Cue ninety minutes of the most originally freaky film-making since the original Phantasm.

Or The Beast Master at the very least.

 

Based on the online web journal cum novel by 'David Wong' (AKA Jason Pargin), Don Coscarelli's fast and loose adaptation plays out like an ungodly mix of bad Stephen King adaptations with a smattering of Garth Ennis goodness mixed in with a smidgen of William Burroughs and beat generation grooviness for good measure, served with a side helping of self depreciating humour that isn't too scared (or precious) to invite the audiences to laugh along with the absurdities on screen.

And just when you think it can't get any better Angus Scrimm turns up.

"Aye Son!"

Perfectly cast and played straighter than Hugh Jackman, JDATE rewards those of us who've stuck by Coscarelli during the wilderness years and finally enables us to forgive him for the wee boy in Phantasm III.

And if that isn't praise enough I don't know what is.

If you ever care a tiny bit about cinema and don't want to be laughed at forever for being totally unfashionable you need to see this movie.

Twice.

At least.

 

Normal mooth shite-ing service will be resumed as soon as I've finished pushing my eyes back in after William Shatner's The Visitor.

I promise

fest your eyes on this....

An illustration featuring the kind of films you may find at Fright Fest.

Can it really be 12 months since FrightFest last darkened Glasgow's doors with it's heady mix of horror, action, fantasy and filth filled filmic fun?

Well obviously it must be seeing as tickets have gone on sale for their 2013 extravaganza.

And what a weekend it promises to be.

If only because Dale Fabrigar and Evette Wallin don't have a film on this year.

Or  Anthony DiBlas.

Thank fuck.

But what it does have this year are the UK premieres of the Eli Roth starring disaster movie Aftershock, Neil Jordan’s vampire vision, Byzantium starring the yumsome duo of Gemma Arterton and Saoirse Ronan plus what's been quoted as '...his darkest horror yet..." (which probably means he shot it by candlelight in an attempt to look arty), yup Rob Zombie has taken a well earned break from raping our childhoods with his newest romp THE LORDS OF SALEM.

A still featuring Mrs. Zombies bottom.

Expect copious amounts of unnecessary sexual assaults, animal masks and close ups of his wife's arse.  

But you can't have everything.

Also unleashed on the UK for the first time is the mega-anthology alumni  The ABCs Of Death as well as the cult Chilean thriller Bring Me The Head Of The Machine Gun Woman, found-footage fun from Barry Levinson with The Bay, US trick or treat documentary American Dream and the Scottish set Sawney: Flesh of Man, which should be interesting seeing as my own Sawney Bean script has been doing the rounds like an aged prostitute to no avail for the last ten years.

Bitter?

Me?

A photo that may - or may not - feature The Machine Gun Woman.

If that wasn't enough there's school based zombie fun with Detention Of The Dead and for all us uber geeks there's a Saturday morning outing for the newly restored version of Mario Bava’s classic horror anthology Black Sabbath.

Tissues not supplied.

The other Black Sabbath, tho' they did take their name from the film so I guess that's OK.

Finally, as an extra added treat, the lovely FrightFest fella's have grabbed the entire first season of hit Norwegian TV treat, Hellfjord for our viewing pleasure.

See seven of Norway’s finest directors (yes, there are that many!) team up with writer/producer Tommy (Dod Sno) Wirkola’s Nordic nuthutch that mixes the good bits of Twin Peaks with a snatch of Hot Fuzz and added horse killings in the series that Norwegian critics described as "Politimannen Salmander mister jobben i Oslo og må tilbringe oppsigelsestiden i Hellfjord, et høl av et sted langt nord i landet. Med en gang han ankommer Hellfjord begynner det å skje merkelige ting, og det tilsynelatende rolige stedet viser seg å skjule mørke hemmeligheter".

And if that doesn't get you excited I don't know what will.

Except my mum obviously.

Marigolds all in a row.

I don't often review the modern cinema and it's even rarer when it's a good film but sometimes you have to make an exception.

I wont give too much away - this is more of a big filthy plug if I'm honest - so read on, wipe yourself down then go see it.

Normal service will be resumed on Thursday when the Fright Fest line up is announced or when I get round to watching William Shatner's Groom Lake.

Whichever comes first.

And speaking of coming....

American Mary (2012).
Dir: Jen and Sylvia Soska.
Cast: Katharine Isabelle, Antonio Cupo, Tristan Risk, David Lovgre, Paula Lindberg, Clay St. Thomas, John Emmet Tracy, Twan Holiday and
Paul Anthony.

"You were in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong dick in your mouth".

Student life eh? it never changes. Do you remember those dark nights out clipping 'up west' just to earn a few bob for a packet of Monster Munch and a crab apple?

No?

Just me then.

Tho' it looks like poor Mary Mason (a perfectly cast Isabelle channelling a young Anjelica Huston) might be heading that way.

You see she's an incredibly talented yet incredibly poor medical student struggling to pay her bills, juggling her course work and pet bird (not literally obviously) whilst trying not to fall asleep in the frankly foul mouthed Dr. Grant's (Lovgren sporting a scary beard) class.

Everything goes tits up tho' when in one fell swoop Grant shouts at her for (gasp) having her phone in class and the bank do something obscure yet patently bastardish to her account leaving Mary no choice but to apply for work at a local strip cum massage joint own by enigmatic Billy Barker (professional sexy man Cupo).

Admit it, you would. Twice. Three times if he offered a teabagging first.

But not even something as simple as slowly stripping to her undies goes to plan as no sooner is our heroine showing off her backrubbing skills than a motely group of bad lads burst in to inform Billy (who's good bad but not evil) that one of their pals has had a severe kicking and may die without medical help.

If only they could find someone with medical training willing to perform some ad hoc, no questions asked surgery for a large wad of cash.

Mary tests her patented mooth-shite-in device on a willing victim.

It's not long tho' before word of Mary’s medical miracle has spread and soon one of the club’s dancers, the Betty Boop obsessed Beatress (Risk running the gauntlet between sexy and sinister in a performance that will haunt your sweatiest dreams for at least a month) approaches her offering even more cash for some extreme body-modification work for a friend.

Doin' the do!

Success follows success and soon Mary is attracting the attention of high-paying body modification clientele from across the globe but her world is soon brought crumbling down after a terrible incident that leaves her life changed for ever.

Psychologically scarred and more intense than ever Bloody Mary, as her fans have come to know her, responds to the situation the only way she knows how.

Expect some violence.

Possibly.

Possibly the greatest film artwork I have ever seen.

To paraphrase Stephen King "I have seen the future of horror and it's twin shaped!"

One of the most entertaining horror films I've seen in an age, American Mary is quite possibly one of the most sickly sweet experiences you'll have in the cinema for a long time, take note Messrs Derrickson, Parker et al, this is how to make a movie.

From the fruitily freakish minds of the frankly fantastic Soska sisters, American Mary confidentially builds on the strength and originality shown in their debut movie Dead Hooker in a Trunk but this time adds a more confident, slick style and technique which not only belies the film's low budget but will go a long way to cementing their status as the most original creators working in the horror field today.

I've seen the future of not just horror but my home life too.

The twincentric script coolly explores the duality within the individual whilst cleverly having each player mirrored by other characters within the American Mary world, giving viewers the added experience of a glimpse into the world of ID twins as well as a blackly comic tale of medical mayhem and skimpy outfits which can only be seen as a bonus in anyone's books.

Plus one of the characters (who will remain nameless) has quite possibly the smoothest and milkiest thighs ever seen on the big screen.

Every performance is pitch perfect from the unforgettable Tristan Risk as the sweetly sexy Beatress who alongside Paula Lindberg as her friend Ruby give the film it's pure heart that shines brightly amongst the darkness enveloping the storyline as it runs it's course.

Jen and Sylvia, cinema salutes you.

people you fancy but shouldn't (part 47).

a blast from the past....it's market stall Milf, sexy safari siren, motorway meat muncher and drug dealer dating Gillian Taylforth AKA ex-Eastender Kathy Beale.

What would ex husband Pete say?*

*Obviously he'd say nothing seeing as he's a fictional character.

And dead.