art attack.

Brilliantly bad cover art from the heady days of VHS....Warning, some are 'too gory for the silver screen'.

You have been warned.

goat hanger.

Can you believe it? Wait ages for an alien invasion then two turn up at once.

Three if you count Doctor Who.

Typical.

Hanger 10 (2014).
Dir: Daniel Simpson.
Cast: Robert Curtis, Abbie Salt, Danny Shayler and a deer.

Now we all remember the Rendlesham Forest incident don't we where back in the deep distant past (December 1980 to be precise) a series of reported sightings of spooky lights and noises culminating with the alleged landing of a spacecraft caused a mild panic in the home counties and the area to be dubbed 'Britain's Roswell'?

No?

Well a group of amateur archeologists; ex territorial army tough nut Gus Van Santa (Curtis who's been in Eastenders dontcha know), his girlfriend Sally Cinnamon (Salt of rapping duo Salt and Peppa fame) and greasy badboy Jake Tweenie (Ging Gang Goolie star 'Hayler' Shayler) do and they've decided to spend the weekend in the woods recording themselves searching for Saxon gold.

As you do.

The local neds remake Predator....Govan style!

It's not all amateur Time Team tho' (the budget doesn't stretch to Tony Robinson for a start) because although Sally is Gus' gal she once had a 'thing' with Jake, making the whole endeavour a wee bit awkward.

Especially as it calls for the cast to emote as well as shout "What the fuck was that?" when one of the crew runs past holding a disco light in the air.

But more of that later.

"By the power of Greyskull!"

Gus, being a secretive type hasn't told the others that the booty hunt will take them not only thru' the aforementioned Rendlesham Forest but also into the government restricted area that the sightings took place.

And if this wasn't enough the whole area is the site of not one but two airbases, one owned by the stiff upper lipped MoD and the other by gung ho Uncle Sam.

That's America by the way, not a hitherto unseen character.

So it does come as a surprise that when wandering around after midnight, Gus is genuinely shocked when they group start encountering a variety of flashing lights and loud parping noises.

Sally and Jake think it's UFO's but gormless Gus is convinced it's 'drones', tho' the only drone-like thing in the movie up until this point is the never changing  tone of his performance.

A giant cowboy branding a tiny horse yesterday.

 But frayed relationships, thinning hair, mysterious lights and an utter lack of originality isn't all our threadbare threesome have to cope with.

There's also the added mysteries of who stole Gus' car, why they're being secretly photographed by a tramp and most importantly who put up the tents to deal with.

As well as trying to find the answer to the age old question why, after 15 long years anyone would think it would be a good idea to remake the Blair Witch Project in a field in England?

Hang on....that'd make a great film title.

Disappointingly not a sequel to Nathan Matsuda's classic Hanger No. 5 (which interestingly also features a group of youngsters searching for gold around a USAF base and a female lead with a peachy arse) or prequel to the James L. Conway UFO conspiracy movie Hanger 18 (which features ex Dynasty babe Pamela Bellwood and Kolchak himself Darren McGavin....can't decide who has the best bum out of those two....answers on a postcard please), Hanger 10 is a by the book, surprise free exercise in by the numbers found footage film making.

Albiet one that does have some fairly impressive visual effects at the climax.

But then do you really want to sit thru' an hour and a half of tired old lost in the woods nonsense (including all the old favourites like 'character goes missing', 'nasty things hanging in trees' and my favourite 'we've been walking around in circles all day!') just for a glimpse of a couple of realistically rendered UFO's?

Pamela Bellwood: Arse (or UFO's) not shown.

I actually feel bad for slagging it off because unlike the similarly staged Extraterrestrial or Willow Creek, Hanger 10 isn't interesting enough to be either annoying or - in the case of Creek awful enough to make you vomit blood - it's competently directed, nicely acted, has some nice effects and at 1hr 27 mins doesn't outstay it's welcome.

It's just that it's, well, just there.

It's as if it exists for the sole purpose of existing.

Which apart from being a wee bit too Meta for me begs the question that if by attempting to take a tired genre back to it's roots ala Blair Witch means you end up with a cheaply Xeroxed copy of the genres template surely it's time to move on and leave the witch in the woods in peace because one more like this and the whole cinematic universe is going to collapse in on itself.

I have a headache now.

people you fancy but shouldn't (part 51).

Karren Brady, Baroness Brady
of Knightsbridge. 

One of Britain's leading business figures, newspaper columnist, author and Lord Sugar's right-hand woman in TV's The Apprentice. 

Nuff said.

slashtastic.

Coming soon from writer/director (and most importantly fan of this blog - and by that I mean he says nice things about it, not threatens to stab my family because I criticized Rob Zombie ) Carl Bachmann, a horror/comedy hybrid that from footage shown so far, is actually really funny.

If not a little horrific too.

Surprised?

You should be.

Ladies and gentlemen I give you Party Slashers!

Currently looking for funding thru Kickstarter, Party Slashers tells the (almost) true story of Will, a high school Mr. Popular wannabe who as well as finishing his costume for the big Halloween party, is desperately trying to figure out how to get noticed by his high school crush, Heather, the girl that haunts his every waking moment.

And a few of his sticky sleepy ones too.

Meanwhile, his introverted ex- best bud, the roleplaying game obsessed Russell, is busying himself with a particularly intense game of Dungeons & Dragons, you see like all good games masters he takes his campaigns very seriously.

Seriously enough to spice up the game by chanting a spell from a mysterious necromancer book that he found in the woods.

Unfortunately, as is usually the case when you use bizarre occult books before first checking the index, the spell succeeds in raising the deadly “Revenants”, muderous undead killers from beyond the grave.

Which as we know is a bad place to come from.

One of these cast members is now on my crush/stalking list...I think I'll leave it as a surprise tho'. Hate her to be out when I turn up on her doorstep.

 Worse than that tho' is that the cops have busted the big party, leaving Will no alternative but to invite everyone to Russell's huge house in the middle of nowhere (his parents are never, ever home either which is a plus) to continue the evenings celebrations and most importantly give himself more time to impress Heather.

The sly fox.

Things never go according to plan tho' and upon Will and co's arrival Russell is understandably furious with his ex pal, until his secret crush, the angsty hipster Angie walks in which quickly changes his mind.

 And trust me, I've seen her and she's very, very cute.

Tunnel or funnel?

 With the party continuing unabated and everyone happy (for once) Russell completely forgets about the occult book and it's spells pertaining to the revernants.

Which is a wee bit unfortunate as they haven't forgotten about him.

Cue ninety minutes of wholesale slaughter and frighteningly funny humour as Will teams up with Russell, Heather and Angie in a fight for survival.

Ill-equipped, unskilled, and anything but team players, this rag-tag group’s true colours soon come to the fore.

But before they can deal with death-dispatching revenants, they’ll first need to deal with each other.

And it'll be anything but pretty.

In pink.

Tiffany: I think we're alone now.

Cutting his (cinematic) teeth directing the award-winning dark comedy/musical, "Miracle on Metal Street", Bachmann promises that Party Slashers will be "a non-stop funny and lethal adventure unlike anything you've seen before." 

And from the clips I've seen I believe him.

Party Slashers needs you, so head over to the Kickstarter site and tell them I sent you.

End of plug.

crate balls of fire.

As regular readers of The Arena will know, it's not often that your humble host receives a correspondence that doesn't involve death/legal threats or just general abuse and those of you with long memories and short fuses will probably still have a warm fuzzy feeling whenever 'Megan' is mentioned.

Who knew?!!?

For those of you new here, that was the time I was blamed for the abduction (and subsequent murder) of the fictional lead character in the film Megan is Missing.

Indeed I still get scarily threatening emails to this day regarding her whereabouts.

So you can imagine my surprise when an email from the lovely Alex from the even lovelier Man Crates: Gifts for Men arrived inviting me to put together a four item horror survival crate of my own I couldn't resist.

Especially seeing as they still have the negatives from my last gig at Amanda Bynes birthday party.

More challenging than that tho' was the thought of a designing a horror crate specifically aimed at helping me survive on my home turf.

Yup, no guns and the like here, you see I'm in 'sunny' Scotland, birthplace of such terrors as the Loch Ness Monster, cannibal king Sawney Bean, John Barrowman and The Wicker Man.

And like them my kit was going to have to be durable, waterproof and look good in Tartan.

It's a crate! For a man! It's a Man Crate!

Firstly and probably most importantly is gonna be something to wear, something designed to suit the Scottish weather and terrain and with big enough pockets to leave me hands free for the inevitable scuffle cum girly fist fight I'll no doubt end up in.

Yes, I'm talking the Kilt.

But not just any old kilt, I mean the specially adapted Combat Kilt.

And in khaki of course! 

Well if it's good enough for George Lazenby...

For a second item I'm thinking sustenance, sugar and multi-usage all in one wonderful bottle.

Yup, Scotland's national tipple, Irn Bru.

Made in Scotland from girders. Allegedly.

Packed with enough secret ingredients to keep you alert for days, when empty the bottle can be refilled with water, used as a makeshift weapon or rolling pin and if the situation gets desperate you could always put an SOS in it and hope for the best.

Tho' I probably wouldn't put too much faith in the last one.

If you've got a kilt you might as well go all the way and pack a skean dhu too. For the uninitiated it's the small knife traditionally worn in the right sock with the handle showing. Usually used for cutting Haggis or wood, picking bark out of your teeth and as Dog Soldiers showed us a silver version is perfect for taking on Werewolves.

If you're still confused imagine a Swiss Army Knife but with just the sharp, stabby bit.

"Call that a knife?"

Finally you'll need a good old fashioned umbrella (the larger the better). Not only will this be useful to shield yourself from the elements (we've been known to have sunshine, rain, hail and snow within minutes of each other) but again it can double up as a walking stick - useful when testing uneven terrain - the handle can be hooked on trees to cross rivers (possibly), you can use it to prod monsters to keep them at bay and, when opened and closed quickly whilst shouting can be useful if you need to scare away any birds.

Especially undead/mutant ones.

OK, maybe not this big. Tho' it may be that the people featured are very tiny.

So remember dear readers, stay alert and keep these items to hand at all times.

You never know we your life may depend on them.

people you fancy but shouldn't (part 50).

Amanda Mealing AKA ice queen Connie Beauchamp in  Casualty. 

I blame the Sky Box running over after Doctor Who.