friendzone.

It's been caled the scariest movie since It Follows.

But in all honesty could it be any worse?

Unfriended (2014).
Dir: Levan Gabriadze.
Cast: Shelley Hennig, Renee Olstead, Will Peltz, Jacob Wysocki, Courtney Halverson, Moses Jacob Storm and Heather Sossaman.

What's fat and white and red all over? 

Ken in a blender.

It's been a year since the death of Laura Barns (Sossaman, Sossaman, does whatever a Sossaman can obviously), a mousy high schooler who committed suicide after a video of her pissed off her tits and covered in her own shite was posted on YouTube by a group of her classmates.

Which just goes to show how lucky kids today are seeing as when I was that age you'd have had to sit for hours and make a sketch of the carnage if you wanted evidence of any of your friends in such a state.

Or just take a photo obviously.

Anyway let's not dwell on such a tragedy and instead catch up with her amusingly monikered mate Blaire Lily (former Miss Louisiana Teen USA Hennig) who is currently teasing her boyfriend Mitch (Storm, cousin of Johnny and Sue). by flashing her bra at him on her 'webcam' and promising to let him stick it in her after the prom.

And who says kids today aren't romantic?

Luckily for those of us here for the scares - as opposed to grainy shots of a teen erection, they're quickly joined online by their three pals; Jess (vegetarian jazz singer and owner of some killer cheekbones Olstead), the chubby geek Ken  (Wysocki), and slick haired badboy Adam (Peltz, best known for his fantastic performance as the 'Nervous Young Man' in an early episode of Medium) for an evening of excited chat, friendly abuse and whatever else it is that kids today get up to online.

Oh yeah, they've also been joined by a spooky user named "billie227" who soon claims to be the dead Laura.


Scary.

"Aaaargh! I'm covered in bees!"

Whilst attempting to get rid of this bizarre interloper, Blaire notices that the late (as in dead, not bad at timekeeping) Laura's Facebook account has started sending bizarre messages to the friends, which makes them begin to suspect that someone might be playing a prank on them.

Rather than the more realistic notion of it being Laura's vengeful ghost obviously.

But who could the vile prankster be? I hear you cry.

The friends unilaterally nominate the wide mouthed bad girl - and ex German tank commander - Val Rommel (Halverson), so invite her to join them.

But no sooner has she proclaimed her innocence when Jess' Facebook page (ask your kids) is suddenly updated with a load of dodgy photos of a mightily pissed up Val, drunkenly smoking 'the drugs' and showing her frankly magnificently milky thighs.

To be honest I've not seen a pair this arousing since Megan went missing.

Which, before you email in any death threats is OK because in reality she's in her mid twenties.

Unlike Megan who I assume is still locked in that barrel.

Where's your lad tonight?

Being girls the pair start shouting at each other whilst ineffectually slapping their keyboards before pouting down the webcam lens as they desperately try to delete the incriminating photos.

As is the way with ghost stalkers with a thing for technology tho' they just keep re-appearing but this time alongside insulting messages regarding the pairs feminine hygiene and their love of cheap brandy. 

Val, incensed at being accused of liking such an old mans drink eventually calls 911 to report the abuse before randomly blaming Ken - who is fat and therefore must be evil - then signing out.

As the mysterious Laura e-mails more and more evidence of the friends cruelty to not just the group but to the tribute page set up to remember the dead girl - including a message from Val telling Laura to kill herself, it becomes obvious to all concerned that they must be dealing with a hacker who knew the victim and wants revenge.

Either that or someone is really desperate to get that 250 quid offered on You've Been Framed.

These are the kind of messages I get sent her every single week....just to let you know if anything happens to me you're marked.

With what looks like the entire online community suddenly berating Val for her nastiness, she suddenly appears back in chat and on her webcam but not as is the usual case with foxy teen girls, naked and covered in baby oil.

Probably.

I really wouldn't know.

Instead a totally terrified - yet still fairly foxy - Val is silently standing in her bathroom clutching a bottle of bleach whilst staring at the camera.

Which is a different kind of erotic than I'm used to whilst chatting online but what the hell I'll give it a shot.

Suddenly - and in a haze of pixels her computer is knocked to the ground and lands with the camera aimed at Val's by now shaky legs causing the ever concerned Blaire to speculate that Val is having a seizure.

Albiet one not caused by a demonic computer possession.

With the police on the scene but unaware of the still broadcasting webcam (and in a genuinely tense scene) the friends desperately try to discover what has actually happened to their friend by looking up the police codes online and are shocked to find that she's committed suicide.

And with that the camera disconnects.

Introducing the Ronko Wankaway....perfect for stopping your kids fall foul to the pleasures of the palm.

On this bombshell billie227 begins sending incriminating photos and messages to the rest of the group as cuddly Ken valiantly attempts to search for the computer virus which he thinks is responsible for letting the mysterious mentalist access their computers but unbeknown to our portly pal billie227's webcam has activated and much to everyone's horror it's situated in Ken's room.

Quickly (well for a fat bloke) finding the source of the camera, Ken's video feed abruptly disconnects, resuming seconds later to show Ken sticking his hand in a blender before removing the blades (with his other, less chewed hand obviously) and slitting his throat.

Or is it one of his many chins?

We'll never know as his cam suddenly disconnects.

A revenge obsessed DLT reveals his big blue baby bumming suit to an unwary Lorraine Kelly on GMTV yesterday.

With the four remaining friends too frightened to do anything other than sit and stare, Laura reveals her plan.

Mitch, Laura, Blaire and Adam are to play a game of the truth based party game Never Have I Ever but this time with added death alongside the dark and dirty secrets to spice things up.

Seems like a normal night out to me.

As the friends learn more and more regarding their true selves the begin to realise that they have each played a part, no matter how big or small in Laura's death and that the bonkers billie227 what's nothing less than total revenge....

Or at the very least some amusing screengrabs of them deepthroating cucumbers and the like for bribery purposes.

So who will survive the online 'orrors and how will they explain all this to their gran?

From first time full feature director Levan Gabriadze (bless you) comes a surprisingly taunt little thriller that rises above it's MTV backed blandness and delivers everything that the similarly youth based It Follows promised plus a little bit more besides.

Coming across as a more teen-friendly stable mate of Zachary Donohue's techno-chiller The Den with a smidgen of Smiley thrown in for good measure, Unfriended embraces it's new technology theme and real time running to its advantage, using such well know online tropes as buffering websites and pixel glitches to creepy effect, ably assisted by some tight and to the bone editing courtesy of Parker Laramie and Andrew Wesmanan (plus Almost Human's Josh Ethier) and a genuine conviction from its small band of actors not seen in a teen terror movie since Nancy Thompson, Tina Grey, Glen Lantz and bad boy Rod Lane last had a sleepover on Elm Street.

Now there's a mooth made for shite-in.

Ignore the shiny advertising and don't fear the teen-scream appeal because Unfriended is probably one of the most important horror movies in recent memory, perfectly capturing the fears and follies of modern technology whilst delivering some good old fashioned scares at the same time, it's The Last Broadcast for broadband botherers and one of the most satisfying chillers of recent memory.

After the ever abysmal It Follows and the arse-killing tedium of The Babadook it's great to see that someone can still supply the scares and Unfriended alongside Ted Geoghegan's terrific We Are Still Here (and a few others....see if you can spot them) go a long way to reaffirming my love for the genre.

scorchio!

Probably the most wonderful thing I have ever seen.

Enjoy.

evening shade.

Preparing for Ash Vs. Evil Dead let's head back to how it all really started....

Equinox (1970).
Dir: Jack Woods and Dennis Muren.
Cast: Edward Connell, Frank Boers Jr, Barbara Hewitt, Robin Christopher, Jack Woods, Fritz Leiber and James Phillips.

"If you knew what was in that book, you'd turn to jelly! It's not meant for worms like you! What did you think you were gonna do with it - sell it to a museum?"

Opening (as all good movie's should) with a little explosion coupled with the sight of a pair of bloody ladies feet sticking out from behind a bush, we're soon following blond-haired good boy Dave (Connell in his only acting role) as he high-tails it thru' a kiddies swing park and onto the highway only to get hit by a driverless car.

Yup, it's gonna be one of those days.

Suddenly we flash-forward a year and a day to find poor Davey boy confined to what looks like the janitors office of a school - no, hang on it's a special ward for mentalists in the local hospital - where ace reporter Sid Sloane (Bienvenido Hermano Andes star Phillips) is preparing to interview Dave for the local papers 'where are they now?' section.

David tho' isn't too keen on talking to anyone, especially when Sloane starts to ask questions about our mental mates rather lady-like crucifix that he refuses to let go of.

The constant badgering culminates in Dave trying to beat the rascally reporter with a baguette so Sloane, obviously not really being arsed with hearing the story first hand, does what any journalist worth their salt would do and retires to the doctor's office to listen instead to a recording made by Dave soon after being admitted.

Anything else he reckons, he can make up.

Anyway, are you sitting comfortably?

Then we'll begin.

"I can see Megan's house from here!"

It transpires that Dave, his pug nosed and square of face buddy Jim (the original Bruce Campbell and later star of WKRP In Cincinnati Boers,Jr.) and their 'hot'  dates; the curvy yet bird mouthed Susan (Hewitt, younger sister of Jennifer and now a Reverend) and bewigged Russian shot-putter Vicki (Christopher possessing the most terrifying arse ever seen on film) have decided to mix business with pleasure by planning to enjoy a mouth watering KFC picnic whilst Dave is away visiting his old college lecturer Dr. Dennis Waterman (believe it or not it is indeed that Fritz Leiber) who is busy conducting some secretive research on an ancient Sumerian book whilst living in a secluded cabin in the  woods.

Hang on, this sounds familiar.

Followed from afar by the mightily mono-browed forest ranger, Terry Asmodeus (director Woods, who later was in charge of the sound department for Xanadu) our freaky foursome soon find Waterman's cabin destroyed before being accosted by an old piss stained tramp living in a cave who hands them a foul smelling ancient book before skipping away giggling like a loon.

A loon, it has to be said wearing the highest waist trousers I have ever seen.

"Hmmmmm.....mooth shite!"

It seems that Waterman, not content with writing the theme tune and singing the theme tune, has started reciting spells and incantations from the ancient book, first conjuring a huge octopus that went on to destroy his house before accidentally causing a rip in the very fabric of space/time.

As one would.

Deciding it would be a waste of food if they didn't finish the picnic before leaving our heroes pop down a blanket and begin scoffing only to be rudely interrupted by Waterman himself, who grabs the book from their chicken greased fingers before running off into the trees.

Giving chase Dave clumsily cracks the poor doctor's head open on a rock but luckily his body vanishes just as Asmodeus appears from nowhere astride a huge horse.

Luckily he's only turned up to ask the boys to pack up their rubbish after the picnic and is soon on his way, riding off in the direction of the laydees who, even with all this bizarre shite going on, have decided to split up to look for 'something'.

Trip trapping along and using his eyebrows as a girl radar, Asmodeus soon comes across Susan (not literally, well not yet) and after dismounting whips out his magical ring and points it suggestively in her general direction.

Susan suddenly faints, giving Asmodeus ample opportunity to climb on top of her and fondle her peachy arse whilst pulling what can only be described as a stroke victims cum face.

"And when I feel frisky I pull THIS face!"

Dribbling stale spittle all over our hypnotised heroine's hosiery as he kneads her milky white breasts with his sweaty sausage fingers, amorous Asmodeus' advances are cut short when he spies her crucifix lying on the grass, causing him to recoil in terror and run away.

Phew.

It's not long before the rest of the gang find a slightly dishevelled Susan, all grass stains and grope marks sitting against a tree but with the boys being boys and Vicki being more interested in her next meal they totally ignore their pals plight and get straight down to trying to explain the plot to each other.

Dave, being the brainy one has figured that some of the drawings in the book (which I must admit are really good for a five year old) can be used as protection from arcane forces and after fashioning a few out of twigs for everyone (except Susan who's got her cross) head off to confront Asmodeus and hopefully find the doctor (or his still warm corpse) along the way.

Yabba dabba don't.

No sooner have they started walking when the stinky tramp appears from the bushes screaming and shouting, hastily followed by a huge testicle cheeked and tusked monster with ginger arm hair.

Which I'll admit was fairly unexpected.

Quickly catching up with the old man, the beast tosses him about like a tiny plasticine model before turning his attentions to our heroes who quickly hide behind a convenient rock.

"Laugh now!"

Jim realising that he's done absolutely fuck all for the last fifty minutes grabs a big twig that's conveniently lying nearby before sharpening the end and sticking it in the beast, killing it stone dead.  

But its corpse, much like Doctor Waterman's, vanishes before their very eyes (son).

Discovering an invisible inter-dimensional door in a clearing (did I not mention it earlier? Sorry) Dave and Jim decide to investigate further only to have their path blocked by a big green acne covered caveman sporting a handlebar moustache.

The dynamic duo have no choice but to fight.

Or in Jim's case get accidentally pulled thru' the space door by it.

Arse.

"Dave I love you....could it be magic?"

Dave, after telling the girls to head back to the car mounts a one man rescue mission into the unknown and quickly - some would say too quickly - finds a sweaty (and suddenly very large eyebrowed) Jim all set to go home as if nothing had happened.

Not only does he seem totally unphased by all these supernatural shenanigans but he also appears to have lost his memory, seeing as he's full of questions regarding the book, Susan's favourite pop group and how Vicki manages to walk with an arse that size etc.

This alerts Dave to the fact that this might not be his pal at all.

And by Jove he's right, it's really Asmodeus - or as we know him, The Devil - in disguise.

The Prince of Darkness politely asks Dave for the book one last time.

Dave, being a hero refuses giving the big D no choice but to transform into his true form; a cycling shorts wearing, hideous rubbery red demon with massive chicken feet and tissue paper wings before vowing to kill the girls, bugger Dave and take the book by force.

Or was that bugger the book, kill Dave and take the girls up the casino?

Either way it's not going to be pleasant.

"It's CCCCCCCCHHHHHRRRRRIIISSSTTTMMMAAASSSS!!!"

True to his word, Asmodeus flies away and promptly kills Vicki before turning his attentions to Susan.

But Dave, feeling kinda wired and armed with a crucifix and neat hair arrives in time to challenge Old Nick to one final battle.

Which seems to consist of Asmodeus shouting a lot and setting fire to stuff whilst Dave and Susan run away.

Until Susan is blasted into oblivion by a well aimed thunderbolt at least.

Dave, having the choice between checking his girlfriend is really dead or legging it to the highway chooses the latter whilst a very angry Asmodeus shouts a warning to our hero that he  will die in exactly a year and a day from this point.

Which is spookily where we came in.

Back at the hospital neither the Sloane nor any of the doctors believe any of Dave's story, preferring to imagine that he bludgeoned everyone to death with the KFC bucket before attempting to run himself over, even going as far as laughing amongst themselves when our reporter chum realises that he's 'accidentally' taken Dave's crucifix.

Making his farewells a smug as fuck Sloane is about to leave the hospital when he bumps into a fairly attractive young blonde in an old ladies suit.

Unknown to him the blonde is an undead Susan preparing to fulfil Asmodeus' prophecy of death.

Originally produced in 1967 by the special FX equivalent of Me Me Me; Dennis Muren, Dave Allen and Jim Danforth, Equinox: A Journey into The Supernatural (as it was then) was a lovingly made home movie love letter to stop motion and scary movies, an amateurish yet amiable enough way to spend seventy odd minutes.

But little did they know that sound editor extraordinare (and writer of Son Of The Blob) Jack Woods, having a few quid spare, would pick up the movie to allow it the cinema release it so richly deserved.

"Scarper! It's the parkie!"

As is the way with these things, Woods ordered some reshoots, chopped and changed the order of certain scenes and, feeling that what was missing from the film was a central villain so created the role of Asmodeus for the movie.


The self casting was probably due to the director being unable to find anyone convincing enough to play The Devil himself.


Either that or he just fancied thrusting his middle-aged semi against a couple of writhing young girls.

Take your pick.

 Monsta!

 Filling out this already mixed bag of professional actors (OK one professional actor), sixties style hotties and rubbery (thank you) monsters is the unlikely casting of horror writer Fritz Leiber as Waterman and, as the mysterious voice on the tape, sci-fi/horror God Forrest J. Ackerman meaning that not one performance on show is pitched the same way twice.


Other, less educated film types would say that this amateur hour mix of non-acting and vertigo inducing over the top-ness kills the film stone dead before it's even given a chance to begin but I like to think that it adds an almost guerilla style rawness to the proceedings, the performances enhancing the films nightmarish qualities to a point that transcends mere cinema and almost convinces you that what you are watching is somehow real.


Probably.

Worth a looksie if you've ever wondered what The Evil Dead would look Like if it had a budget of twelve quid and access to a rubber octopus, you owe it to yourselves and your family to see this masterpiece.

Look it's out on Criterion so it must be good.

tsuburaya!

Happy 114th Birthday to the Master of Monsters & Father of Ultraman
Eiji Tsuburaya!

toy stories.

Found in an old shoe box in the loft.....the Jurassic Park toy trading cards set.

Well, most of them.

Enjoy.

thought of the day.

homes under the hammer.

Had this recommended to me as the 'surprise shocker of the year'.

Was a wee bit dubious after It Follows and The Babadook and was wary of being burned (well more like totally torched) again.

But my word was I in for a surprise.

And not just because I'd forgotten how hot Barbara Crampton looks when she's shot to fuck.

Crampton: Do you remember the first time?

So just a little review because:

A. I don't want to take the piss cos it's actually dead good.

and

B. I don't want to spoil it for anyone who hasn't seen it.

The Arena in reviews good film shocker?

Wonders will never cease.

We Are Still Here (2015).

Dir: Ted Geoghegan.

Cast: Barbara Crampton, Andrew Sensenig, Larry Fessenden, Lisa Marie, Marvin Patterson, Susan Gibney and Monte Markham.

"It's been 30 years since we had fresh souls in the Dagmar house..."

After their son Bobby is killed in a car accident, grieving parents Paul (the fantastic Sensenig, coming across like the love child of David Morse and Michael Moriarty) and Anne (Re-Animator cutey Crampton) have decided to start a new life buying a ramshackle old house on the outskirts of a small town in New England. 

I say outskirts but it's so remote it practically has it's own atmosphere - one of dread obviously - nestled as it is in a wonderfully creepy snowy landscape not seen (or shot so beautifully) since the should be more famous shocker Donner Pass.

As is the way in such movies (especially ones with such a short running time) Anne almost immediately begins to feel her son's presence in the house.

And I don't mean the ones she purchased in the January sales and put away for Christmas.

"Now how am I gonna explain THIS to my gran?"

Settling down to a lazy night with the photo albums after a busy day unpacking our cried-out couples plans are soon interrupted by the arrival of next door neighbour Dave McCabe (the always watchable Markham) and his oh-so slightly fruit loops wife Maddie (Gibney) who appear to have only turned up to impart information regarding the house's horrible history to its new occupants.

Oh yes, and us too.

As the bumps and trumps continue, the majority emanating from the uncomfortably hot - and spookily lit - basement, Anne becomes even more convinced that her son is trying to communicate from the other side but Paul, being a realist is sure it's something to do with the boiler and quickly phones heating engineer extraordinaire Joe (or Joe the Electrician as he's known to his friends) to look into it.

Not literally mind as he would possibly fall in and drowned or burn his face if it had been left on.

At the very least the steam would fog up his glasses.

If he wore glasses that is, which I doubt seeing as Marvin Patterson (in his first screen role) who plays Joe doesn't appear to wear any in the movie.

Tho' I don't know about in real life.

But I digress.

Oohing and aahing about the work as he waits patiently for the first of many cups of tea Joe is intrigued by a huge hole in the wall that seems to belch out the smell (but not the smoke) usually found around the back of kebab shops but his investigation is cut short when the lights go out and a shadowy, blackened figure jumps on his from the dark and scarily burns his arm via the power of touch.

Which I can safely assume isn't covered by the insurance.

Or was even mentioned by the estate agent.

What would Martin and Lucy say?

"Bodies in the cellar?....Brick 'em up and turn it into a selling feature!"

Wanting answers to the supernatural shenanigans at work in the house Anne calls her hippy-dippy psychic pals - and parents of her son's best buddie -  

Jacob (producer/writer/director Fessenden channelling WKRP in Cincinnati's Johnny Fever) and May (Lisa Marie) and invites them along for a fun weekend of wine, waffles and maybe even a seance or two.

What could possibly go wrong? 

"Shite in mah....oh, it appears you already have."

From the shiny headed mind of the man who gave us The International Playboys' finest 33 minutes comes a loving tribute to 80's horror that actually works on more than just a basic 'Look! Carpenter was cool' homage level.

David Robert Mitchell please take note.

Cribbing (OK, paying homage to) everything from Fulci's House By The Cemetery and Carpenter's The Fog via producers Malik, Hamza and Badie Ali's previous home-based horror House of The Devil and just like that latter day classic all this familiarity doesn't breed contempt but instead breeds a hauntingly effective atmosphere topped of with some genuine jumps and a surprising amount of over the top gore.

And best of all We Are Still Here is one of the few new horrors that is properly - and unapologetically - old school scary.

 MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTH!

Performance wise the film can't be faulted (OK it can be....stand up Lisa Marie and a handful of townsfolk extras but I'm too nice to mention it) but frankly I'd forgive Geoghegan anything if he gives us another film even half as entertaining as this.

And for every unsure extra you have a top notch turn from the likes of  the truly terrific Monte Markham, the lovably loony Larry Fessenden and the true star of the piece Andrew Sensenig, an actor who takes a character that in the wrong hands could come across as an awful audience-cypher but in this case is imbued with such warmth and humanity that I found myself wanting the enter the movie and drive him to safety myself.

If there was an Oscar for nicest screen hubbie he'd win hands down.

Plus his choice in knitwear was top notch.

Andrew Sensenig: No crap captions just loadsa love.

Straight, sharp and to the point, We Are Still Here is a simple yet stylish reminder of what a real horror movie should be.

Recommended.

A lot.

Just please Ted, don't fuck up with your next movie or I'll look a right arse.