infernal eclairs.

After sitting patiently on the shelf for 2 years Eli ("The postage was how much?") Roth's 'homage' to flesh-eating foreigners is finally upon us.

Oh joy.

The Green Inferno (2013).
Dir: Eli Roth.
Cast: Lorenza Izzo, Ariel Levy, Daryl Sabara, Kirby Bliss Blanton, Sky Ferreira

Magda Apanowicz, Nicolás Martinez, Aaron Burns, Ignacia Allamand, Ramón Llao, Matías López and Richard Burgi.

"Activism is so fucking gay!"

Wannabe social justice warrior and part-time flautist Justine (Mrs. Roth herself and star of Aftershock, Izzo), having plenty of money but very little common sense decides to fill her spare time by joining the pube-bearded, big business battling Alejandro (Promedio Rojo's Levy) and his merry band of do-gooders on a trip to the Amazon to save some trees.

The group aim to achieve this by dressing up as Bob The Builder and shouting random stuff whilst tied to a tractor in a forest.

Obviously they'll be filming the whole thing to put on the 'interweb' so it all kinda makes sense. 

Her cynical roommate Kaycee (box-faced popster Ferreira giving a performance so wooden that I ended up with splinters in my eyes) is unconvinced by all this touchy feely stuff and reckons that Justine just wants a wee bit of Alejandro ass action, which I must admit I can see the appeal of - especially as it'd mean you wouldn't have to look at his frighteningly horse-like face.

But alas (for us that it) she fails to convince Justine to stay at home and get pissed instead, as does her UN attorney dad so off she flies - alongside chubby buddy Jonah (FX artist Burns), blonde bimbette Amy (Blanton, from the US version of The Inbetweeners - yes, such a thing exists), the tastefully tattooed, lusty lesbian Samantha (Apanowicz from some stuff), Lars (Spy Kids Juni Cortez himself, Sabara), Daniel (aftershock and Promedio Rojo star Martinez - there's a pattern here) and Alejandro's massive mouthed girlfriend Kara (Allamand) - to sunny Peru, home of Paddington Bear, pot smoking, noseflutes and violent arse banditary.

And that's just in Lima.

At this point I just thought I'd add that there are actually a couple more people along for the trip too but frankly I can't be bothered listing them, I mean this lot are forgettable enough and they're supposed to be the leads.

"Oh no....I forgot stamps!"

Arriving at the airport the merry band are greeted by the funder behind the protest, the swarthy Carlos (López, father of Saved By The Bell star Mario and husband of Jennifer) who - after a quick snack and 15 minute travelogue tour  takes the group off to the rainforest to begin the protest.

As predicted the protest does indeed go 'viral' as you young folk say, thanks partly to an angry logger putting a gun to Justine's head but mainly due to the whole thing being unimportant filler to take take up running time whilst we await the cannibal action.

Anyway, after a bit of bitching from Justine who has realised that her dad's job would guarantee the group publicity the group board a plane back home.

Unfortunately one of it's engines explodes and the plane crashes into a forest, resulting in a grisly demise for creepy Carlos and a few faceless extras falling out of fuselage in a comedy manner.

Luckily for viewers with weak stomachs the good looking cast members (and Kara) survive and bravely drag themselves from the wreckage.

By that I obviously mean the plane wreckage, I doubt anyone could survive the state of the film in general.

Hearing spooky noises coming from the trees and noticing the distinct smell of warm milk wafting from the bushes the group shout for help only to be attacked by spear-welding, nappie wearing natives.

Which is nice.

Kara, having the largest face is first to fall thanks to a spear in the head whilst the rest of the group are quickly taken out with tranquillizing blow darts before being carried off to a big canoe ready for the journey to the native village.

"Recorded delivery is HOW much?"

Taken roughly up the jetty by what looks like a brightly coloured Ramones tribute band clad in chamois leather nappies and placed in a bamboo cage, the group look on in horror as Jonah is dragged away to meet the tribal elders, magnificently played by Bonnie Tyler and a blacked-up Shawn Ryder.

Disoriented due to a lack of cake, Jonah mistakenly thinks he's appearing on Stars In Their Eyes and begins to belt out a corking rendition of Sitting On The Dock Of The Bay but this is unfortunately cut short when Bonnie messily gouges out his eyes and scoffs them before pulling out his tongue and ordering the rest of the tribe to dismember him.

Now if Harry Hill had done this on the revamped show it’d been a ratings winner.

But the horror doesn't end there.

Well I say horror but mild indifference would be a more apt phrase.

Justine, Samantha and Amy are dragged out of the hut and paraded in front of the tribe whilst a by now visibly aroused Bonnie (either that or it's deceptively cold) sticks a sharpened thimble into their fannies to see if any of them are virgins and therefore suitable to perform The Shangri Las hit Leader of The Pack in the semi-finals.

Or something.

I think this may be important as I remember a bit earlier when Justine's college lecturer was doing a talk on Roald Dahl's The Big Friendly Giant and how it was sexist or something tho' I'll admit I'd popped out for a fag at that point so I can't be sure.

You never know he might live in the woods and the tribe sacrifice virgins to him a bit like in Devil Hunter but with fewer genital warts.

I mean on screen obviously, I've no idea about the crew.

So what is the difference between a post box and a vagina?

Anyway back to the plot where it is revealed that Justine is indeed a virgin (yeah sure) which appears to make the tribe very happy indeed.

But not happy enough to let them all go obviously

Someone who isn't very happy tho' is Samantha who, driven mad by the lack of fanciable fanny in the village devises a cunning escape plan that involves dressing up as a tiger and hoping that the guards spot the mistake let her loose  so she can then run off into the trees and get help.

Who from?

Fucking George of The Jungle?

Surprisingly this plan works and Samantha, resplendent with a luxurious tail fashioned from knotted bits of Amy's pubic hair runs to the river, steals a canoe and quickly paddles downstream.

Just like big cats don't.

As day turns to night and night turns to day (trust me the whole movie feels like it unfolds in real time), the tribe bring the prisoners yummy bowls of soup for lunch.

Is this an act of kindness or a set up for a cheap thrill?

Guess.

As Amy begins to lick the bowl she notices a piece of skin stuck to the bottom and instantly recognizes it as one of Samantha tattoos.

Realizing she has just been scoffing her pal, Amy smashes the bowl and uses it to cut her throat.

God knows what she'd done had she eaten her whole.

Tho' the lesbians I know tell me that they usually spit that bit out.

I thank you.

"Shite in mah mooth!"

Remembering his spy training from when he was a youth, Lars stuffs his marijuana stash into Amy's throat hoping that when the tribe eat her that they'll all get stoned and fall asleep allowing the survivors to attempt another half arsed escape plan that will no doubt lead to more deaths.

Meanwhile Alejandro, whilst enjoying a swift wank (no really) gets to the point of the film, explaining - in very simple to understand words -  that the protest they carried out was really in order to let Carlos, who owned a rival logging company to get the contract.

This is because the real world is a bad place full of naughty people.

Right on.

Bizarrely enough the plan works and the tribe all pass out giving Justine, Daniel and Lars time to escape.

Unfortunately Alejandro, being a patented bastard but more importantly needing someone to help him masturbate after spraining his wrist last time, pricks Lars with a discarded Tranquillizer dart and he falls back into the cage.

Fearful of being covered in eggy man muck Justine and Daniel flee into the trees as Alejandro shouts random stuff about conservation, survival of the fittest and teabagging at them, leaving Lars to his fate.

Which is to be eaten by snack-obsessed tribesfolk in a cack-handed tribute to the climax of Day of The Dead minus the skill and deft-direction that made that movie so enjoyable.

Why am I surprised?

I can see you through the door
You been chewing bread and water
And there's a grudge on you
You know you not ought not to have
You've been running around the racetrack
You've been running around the racetrack
Put that mudder to bed to bed
Put that mudder to bed
And oh yeah...get in mah belly!

Meanwhile Justine and Daniel have managed to find not only the plane wreck but also a working phone in Kara's pocket.

Unfortunately (again) Justine stops for a quick game of Candy Crush Saga and to update her Facebook which gives the tribe ample time to catch up with them and drag the pair kicking and screaming back to the village where Daniel is tied to a tree and fed to some crap CGI ants whilst Justine is stripped naked, wrapped in a bandage and painted white in preparation for the BFG ceremony.

I'm assuming the rest of the film looks so cheap cos all the cash went on paying the Dahl estate.

Will Justine be rescued or is she destined to spend the rest of her days being pawed by a big hairy brute?

I mean in the movie obviously, there's no way I'd comment on her personal life.

Damn you spellchecker!

Brainless, clueless and ultimately ball-less, Green Inferno purports to pay homage to the gut-munching cannibal greats of the 'video nasty' era but singularly fails to see what made the originals such good fun in the first place.

Replacing gore and grainy footage with quick cutaways and digital shininess and the originals (albeit)  skewered world view with an almost infantile 'the world is full of bad people who will eat you up' message does not an entertaining movie make - and when the film's biggest shock is from seeing the cock and balls of the wee boy from Spy Kids in glorious high-definition then you know that you're onto plums.

"Fiona! Where's mah lunch?"

The whole thing feels like watching particularly badly applied politically agitating paint dry and the oft-mooted scenes of violence and threat seemed to have been pulled wholeheartedly from the 'Causing offence for Dummies' handbook.

The cast (bless 'em) do their best with what they're given but even then it's not enough to hold any interest and by the 45 minute mark you're praying for something, anything of note to happen.

And when the cannibals actually do turn up there's absolutely no rhyme or reason for anything they do, they're just generic, racially stereotyped cardboard bogeymen leering at a group of even more annoying and clichéd teenagers.

Roth should've had the balls to just black-up actors and put bones thru' their noses and be done with it.

At least then he'd have garnered a better reaction than the tired shrug of shoulders that the film gets.

Green Inferno?

Shit Inferno more like.

a true story.

A few years ago, there was a wealthy couple who had two young children, a boy and a girl. The family lived in a large house in Newport Beach, California. After taking care of their kids all week, the mother and father decided that they needed a break, so they booked a table for dinner at a nice restaurant. That evening, they called a teenage girl they knew and arranged for her to come over and babysit their children while they were out. When the babysitter arrived, the parents told her to fix supper for the kids and put them to bed.
"After that you can just watch TV and help yourself to anything in the fridge", said the father.
"And if you wouldn't mind," said the mother, "could you watch TV in our bedroom? The kids have been having nightmares recently, so if you hear them crying, you can just go in and calm them down."
The babysitter happily agreed and the parents left for their dinner date. The girl gave the children some milk and cookies, then ushered them upstairs to bed. She started to read them a bedtime story and, before long, the little boy and girl were fast asleep. After tucking them in, she switched off the lights and went to watch TV.
As time passed, the babysitter started to feel more and more uneasy. Finally, she decided to go downstairs and phone the parents. When she dialed the number they had left for her, the mother answered.
"Hi, it's me," said the babysitter. "Everything's fine. The kids are fast asleep in bed, but I was just wondering, would be OK if I watched TV downstairs?"
"Of course," replied the father. "But why?"
"I know it sounds silly," laughed the girl, "but the statue of Vincent D'onofrio in your back yard is really creeping me out.
The phone went silent for a moment.
"Listen to me very carefully," said the father. “Take the children and get out of the house. We will call the police. We don't have a statue of Vincent D'onofrio."

trick or treat?

Alan Howarth live, Halloween 2013. Enjoy.

scabby norman.

Hmmm....this blog seems to be a wee bit preoccupied with twenty somethings having 'the sex' at the moment.

Must be something in the water.

Contracted (2013).
Dir: Eric England.
Cast: Najarra Townsend, Caroline Williams, Alice Macdonald, Katie Stegeman, Matt Mercer, Charley Koontz and Simon Barrett.

After having sex with a corpse wearing a rather fetching 'bio-hazard' toe-tag, bald badboy BJ (Barrett, currently hard at work writing the US version of I Saw The Devil for people too thick to be able to read subtitles), after sexily washing a test tube heads off to a hip n' happening party being thrown by the luscious lipped lesbian Alice (Macdonald, best know as the Sexy French Maid from TV's Happing Endings).

Also in attendance is the puppy-eyed Samantha (Townsend) who is not only having to contend with a broken heart after splitting from her frighteningly accented ex-girlfriend Nikki (Stegeman), the dangerously portly drug dealer Zain (Koontz, fresh from CSI: Cyber and more recently raiding the bins behind McDonalds for food) and the constantly creepy conversationalist and permanently friendzoned Riley (Mercer), a man so Beta that I actually attempted to insert a video cassette into him at one point.

Anyway with the party in full swing, Alice bored with Samantha's whining suggests that she get drunk, an idea that Samantha decides to embrace with relish which unfortunately gives BJ the opportunity to hand her a spiked drink before taking her to his car and having sex with her.

For he is a bad man.

Take two bottles into the shower?

Waking up at home with a sore head and even sorer arse, Samantha starts the day arguing with her overprotective mother (TCM 2's delectable DJ Stretch herself Williams) before heading off to the restaurant where she works, hoping that her hangover will subside before the lunchtime rush and that she'll at least be able to sit down at some point without using a rubber ring.

Alas, our poorly pal just seems to get worse as the day goes by and her general grumpy mood isn't improved any when Alice calls her and reveals that the police are looking for the mysterious BJ due to some undisclosed badness that he'd committed earlier that day.

Samantha denies any knowledge of the guy before running to the bathroom and vomiting blood.

Yup, definitely a hangover hen.

Luckily Samantha has a coffee date with darling Nikki to look forward to and covering her face in crayon to hide the blotches excitedly heads off to an upmarket café for an afternoon on being cold shouldered by her ex and a lecture on how all men are potential sex criminals.

Which is nice.

Before indulging in a bout of corpse coupling always check the sell-by date.

As the day goes on Samantha's sinister symptoms continue to worsen; her eyes go all poppy and bloodshot and clumps of her hair begin to fall out which leads her dear old mum to accuse her of being back on crack.

Tho' it's never clarified if this is better or worse than being back on cock.

Annoyed with all the angry accusations and general snideness being throw at her  (and it must be said a wee bit worried by the green gunk leaking out of her pant area) Samantha makes an appointment to see her doctor, tho' to be honest he's so ineffectual she might as well have asked a greengrocer for advice seeing as he basically (and uninterestedly) pokes her stomach before saying "It's either the clap or a cold....take these tablets, avoid penises and come back if your tits fall off."

And that is why we Britons should be proud of the NHS.

Ever so slightly frustrated , or maybe just constipated - she has a permanent scowl so it's hard to tell - heads back to work where her rapidly worsening state is becoming more and more obvious to her boss not to mention to the customers.

Especially when one of her blackened fingernails drops fails into someones soup.

Fleeing (well hobbling as quickly as a person with a major body-rot problem can) the restaurant Samantha heads home to find that much to her chagrin her mother has invited a bearded Christian man round to have a chat about the evils of drugs and onanism which only has the effect of making Samantha call her mum a drunk before storming off to Zain's in the hope of scoring some coke.

Sprawled out on Zain's sofa Samantha barely has time to open the can and take a wee sip before Alice turns up. 

Unfortunately her friendly concern for Samantha's well being turns into a huge argument over whether she actually cares or if she's really just trying to get into Samantha's pants.

From the state of her at the moment tho' she really can't be too choosy so if it were me I’d take it whilst I could. 

Which says a lot really.

Samantha, by now really getting into the whole stomping off in a huff mindset decides to make one last attempt at persuading Nikki to take her back, leaving Alice and Zain to make uncomfortable small talk.

Oh yes and giving him a chance to admit that he may have accidentally sold BJ some Rohypnol at the party.

What a guy.

"I think I've found the problem...it appears that Amy Poehler is living in your brain stem and filling your head with shite."

Nikki, understandibly, is fairly annoyed when our rancid-panted pal turns up at her door and, in no uncertain terms tells her to fuck off which unfortunately has the effect of making Samantha go all shouty and slappy culminating in her breaking Nikki's nose with a doorknob before strangling her.

To death.

If only she'd gotten herself a nice boyfriend none of this would have happened.

Probably.

Still angry (well she is a woman) Samantha drives over to Alice's for a last ditch attempt to sort things out - or at the very least indulge in a wee bout of fanny fiddling but this also goes awry when Samantha accidentally vomits blood into Alice's mouth whilst kissing.

Trust me, there's nothing more passion killing than that.

Except maybe with you shite in it instead.....tho' thinking about it....

With her last chance of lesbian loving standing in the kitchen swearing and spitting blood over the newly polished work surfaces Samantha has no alternative but to beat Alice to death and hide her body in the bath before inviting Riley over to the house.

Is it just me thinking that this isn't going to end well?

"Blood in mah mooth ya carpet munching bastard!"

Bounding into the house like an over-excited puppy, Riley listens intently as Samantha drones on about how it's a shame for her and stuff whilst nodding like a cheap toy and trying to ignore the overpowering stench of cabbage.

This plan seems to work for him tho' as within minutes Samantha is unbuttoning his trousers with her pus-filled bloated sausage fingers whilst showering him with vomit tasting kisses.

Hmmmm....Danone! As the kids say.

Although slightly confused - and no doubt repulsed by the smell , Riley bravely attempts to put it in her only to admit defeat when he notices the large amounts of maggots tumbling out of Samantha's vagina.

Well he's obviously never shagged a girl from West Bromwich.

West Bromwich....Maggot spewing whores not shown.

Making his excuses ("your fanny is full of maggots!")  Riley amusingly runs to the bathroom with his trousers around his ankles and quickly inspects his penis for sores, unfortunately he's distracted from this by the sight of Alice's corpse gazing at him from the bathtub.

Tho' to be honest, if I were him I'd find it quite hard to not be tempted by her swollen, bloodied mouth....I mean he's still fairly erect and it's not like she'd complain.

Meanwhile Samantha has decided that what she really needs is a wee drive around to calm her nerves so hobbles out of the house and - carefully - jumps into her car, her head lolling about like a deflated balloon as she desperately tries not to hit any oncoming traffic.

Normal driving for an American I guess.

Fading in and out of consciousness - either that or my TV wasn't getting a very good signal, she's soon mounted the kerb and hit a bollard.

Which is quite possibly the sexiest sounding thing in this whole review if I'm honest.

Stepping out of the wrecked car it's soon apparent that Samantha's transformation is complete and she is now a member of the walking dead (as in a zombie, not one of the cast of the goddawful TV adaptation of the rather good comic) and as her mother begs the police not to shoot her daughter Samantha lunges at her, teeth bared...

Remember kids, photoshop is bad.

 

 

 

 

 

Eric England's lo-fi reimagining of David Cronenberg's back catalogue is as entertaining as it is frustrating, for every spark of horror originality there's a sketchily written character or lack of motivation leaving the viewer as frustrated as Riley in his attempts to woo Samantha.

Overall tho' the movie is actually quite enjoyable and the motley collection of narcissistic and thoroughly unlikeable characters on show are surprisingly not too infuriating to watch, unfortunately after grounding the basic premise in the real world the film becomes slightly ludicrous once Samantha starts killing people, the death of Nikki raising more giggles than shocks.

The fact that the film features the most incompetent doctor since Marlon Brando donned a tent in The Island of Doctor Moreau doesn't help either - when Samantha goes to see him regarding her illness the guy equates vaginal bleeding, cramps and milky eyes as a sign of a head cold - and only work in taking the viewer out of the - till that point - seriousness of the situation in hand.

And don't get me started on the alleged dodgy sexual politics on show, mainly tho' because all the reviews that seem to mention that the director seems to be  'punishing' Samantha for experimenting with her sexuality all seem to be missing the point that everyone in the movie is punished in some way or another....cos life can be a wee bit nasty sometimes.

Talking of Samantha, Najarra Townsend is great as our main manky maiden, reminding me as she did of Alex Essoe in the thematically similar Starry Night from a few months back, kudos too to Alice Macdonald and it's always a pleasure to see Caroline Williams back on screen, even without the denim shorts.

 

Matt Mercer as Riley tho' you just want to give a bloody good kicking to.

 

Tho' maybe that's the point.

 

Uneven and somewhat infuriating, Contracted is still worth a looksie and of all the current movies focusing on bad shagging it's this one that comes across as being exactly like having a drunken shag in the back of a strangers car.

And you can't say fairer than that.

bloody birthday.

friendzone.

It's been caled the scariest movie since It Follows.

But in all honesty could it be any worse?

Unfriended (2014).
Dir: Levan Gabriadze.
Cast: Shelley Hennig, Renee Olstead, Will Peltz, Jacob Wysocki, Courtney Halverson, Moses Jacob Storm and Heather Sossaman.

What's fat and white and red all over? 

Ken in a blender.

It's been a year since the death of Laura Barns (Sossaman, Sossaman, does whatever a Sossaman can obviously), a mousy high schooler who committed suicide after a video of her pissed off her tits and covered in her own shite was posted on YouTube by a group of her classmates.

Which just goes to show how lucky kids today are seeing as when I was that age you'd have had to sit for hours and make a sketch of the carnage if you wanted evidence of any of your friends in such a state.

Or just take a photo obviously.

Anyway let's not dwell on such a tragedy and instead catch up with her amusingly monikered mate Blaire Lily (former Miss Louisiana Teen USA Hennig) who is currently teasing her boyfriend Mitch (Storm, cousin of Johnny and Sue). by flashing her bra at him on her 'webcam' and promising to let him stick it in her after the prom.

And who says kids today aren't romantic?

Luckily for those of us here for the scares - as opposed to grainy shots of a teen erection, they're quickly joined online by their three pals; Jess (vegetarian jazz singer and owner of some killer cheekbones Olstead), the chubby geek Ken  (Wysocki), and slick haired badboy Adam (Peltz, best known for his fantastic performance as the 'Nervous Young Man' in an early episode of Medium) for an evening of excited chat, friendly abuse and whatever else it is that kids today get up to online.

Oh yeah, they've also been joined by a spooky user named "billie227" who soon claims to be the dead Laura.


Scary.

"Aaaargh! I'm covered in bees!"

Whilst attempting to get rid of this bizarre interloper, Blaire notices that the late (as in dead, not bad at timekeeping) Laura's Facebook account has started sending bizarre messages to the friends, which makes them begin to suspect that someone might be playing a prank on them.

Rather than the more realistic notion of it being Laura's vengeful ghost obviously.

But who could the vile prankster be? I hear you cry.

The friends unilaterally nominate the wide mouthed bad girl - and ex German tank commander - Val Rommel (Halverson), so invite her to join them.

But no sooner has she proclaimed her innocence when Jess' Facebook page (ask your kids) is suddenly updated with a load of dodgy photos of a mightily pissed up Val, drunkenly smoking 'the drugs' and showing her frankly magnificently milky thighs.

To be honest I've not seen a pair this arousing since Megan went missing.

Which, before you email in any death threats is OK because in reality she's in her mid twenties.

Unlike Megan who I assume is still locked in that barrel.

Where's your lad tonight?

Being girls the pair start shouting at each other whilst ineffectually slapping their keyboards before pouting down the webcam lens as they desperately try to delete the incriminating photos.

As is the way with ghost stalkers with a thing for technology tho' they just keep re-appearing but this time alongside insulting messages regarding the pairs feminine hygiene and their love of cheap brandy. 

Val, incensed at being accused of liking such an old mans drink eventually calls 911 to report the abuse before randomly blaming Ken - who is fat and therefore must be evil - then signing out.

As the mysterious Laura e-mails more and more evidence of the friends cruelty to not just the group but to the tribute page set up to remember the dead girl - including a message from Val telling Laura to kill herself, it becomes obvious to all concerned that they must be dealing with a hacker who knew the victim and wants revenge.

Either that or someone is really desperate to get that 250 quid offered on You've Been Framed.

These are the kind of messages I get sent her every single week....just to let you know if anything happens to me you're marked.

With what looks like the entire online community suddenly berating Val for her nastiness, she suddenly appears back in chat and on her webcam but not as is the usual case with foxy teen girls, naked and covered in baby oil.

Probably.

I really wouldn't know.

Instead a totally terrified - yet still fairly foxy - Val is silently standing in her bathroom clutching a bottle of bleach whilst staring at the camera.

Which is a different kind of erotic than I'm used to whilst chatting online but what the hell I'll give it a shot.

Suddenly - and in a haze of pixels her computer is knocked to the ground and lands with the camera aimed at Val's by now shaky legs causing the ever concerned Blaire to speculate that Val is having a seizure.

Albiet one not caused by a demonic computer possession.

With the police on the scene but unaware of the still broadcasting webcam (and in a genuinely tense scene) the friends desperately try to discover what has actually happened to their friend by looking up the police codes online and are shocked to find that she's committed suicide.

And with that the camera disconnects.

Introducing the Ronko Wankaway....perfect for stopping your kids fall foul to the pleasures of the palm.

On this bombshell billie227 begins sending incriminating photos and messages to the rest of the group as cuddly Ken valiantly attempts to search for the computer virus which he thinks is responsible for letting the mysterious mentalist access their computers but unbeknown to our portly pal billie227's webcam has activated and much to everyone's horror it's situated in Ken's room.

Quickly (well for a fat bloke) finding the source of the camera, Ken's video feed abruptly disconnects, resuming seconds later to show Ken sticking his hand in a blender before removing the blades (with his other, less chewed hand obviously) and slitting his throat.

Or is it one of his many chins?

We'll never know as his cam suddenly disconnects.

A revenge obsessed DLT reveals his big blue baby bumming suit to an unwary Lorraine Kelly on GMTV yesterday.

With the four remaining friends too frightened to do anything other than sit and stare, Laura reveals her plan.

Mitch, Laura, Blaire and Adam are to play a game of the truth based party game Never Have I Ever but this time with added death alongside the dark and dirty secrets to spice things up.

Seems like a normal night out to me.

As the friends learn more and more regarding their true selves the begin to realise that they have each played a part, no matter how big or small in Laura's death and that the bonkers billie227 what's nothing less than total revenge....

Or at the very least some amusing screengrabs of them deepthroating cucumbers and the like for bribery purposes.

So who will survive the online 'orrors and how will they explain all this to their gran?

From first time full feature director Levan Gabriadze (bless you) comes a surprisingly taunt little thriller that rises above it's MTV backed blandness and delivers everything that the similarly youth based It Follows promised plus a little bit more besides.

Coming across as a more teen-friendly stable mate of Zachary Donohue's techno-chiller The Den with a smidgen of Smiley thrown in for good measure, Unfriended embraces it's new technology theme and real time running to its advantage, using such well know online tropes as buffering websites and pixel glitches to creepy effect, ably assisted by some tight and to the bone editing courtesy of Parker Laramie and Andrew Wesmanan (plus Almost Human's Josh Ethier) and a genuine conviction from its small band of actors not seen in a teen terror movie since Nancy Thompson, Tina Grey, Glen Lantz and bad boy Rod Lane last had a sleepover on Elm Street.

Now there's a mooth made for shite-in.

Ignore the shiny advertising and don't fear the teen-scream appeal because Unfriended is probably one of the most important horror movies in recent memory, perfectly capturing the fears and follies of modern technology whilst delivering some good old fashioned scares at the same time, it's The Last Broadcast for broadband botherers and one of the most satisfying chillers of recent memory.

After the ever abysmal It Follows and the arse-killing tedium of The Babadook it's great to see that someone can still supply the scares and Unfriended alongside Ted Geoghegan's terrific We Are Still Here (and a few others....see if you can spot them) go a long way to reaffirming my love for the genre.

scorchio!

Probably the most wonderful thing I have ever seen.

Enjoy.