frightening things.

 

It's that time of year again when hundreds of horror 'enthusiasts' (plus the usual half dozen sweaty, high waisted folk who live at home with their disabled mums - who, by the way will never die!) descend on my fair city ready to soak the streets (and seats) with the unmistakable smell of sweat, shame, semen and tears for a celebration of all things fright and gory-full.

Which can only mean that our lovely pals at Frightfest have announced the line-up for sunny Glasgow.

And what a line-up it is!
   
Kicking off with the by now traditional Thursday night pre-fest film (especially for all you soft southern shites who are too feart to go to the pub) THE FOREST, this year promises a record thirteen films, a selection of unmissable (probably) shorts, guests, give-aways, a sneaky peek at Paul Hyett’s HERETIKS and a chance to buy me a drink to show me how much you like the t-shirt design this year.


Well, it's worth a punt.

Excited?


You should be.


So, as Jennifer Anniston used to say "Pay heed to my words for here is the science!"

Which means here's a list of the films on show.

First up (at 9pm on Thurs 25 Feb fact fans) is the UK Première of the aforementioned THE FOREST starring Game of Thrones smirking sexpot Natalie Dormer as a young American woman, Sara, who is desperately searching for her twin sister in and around Japan’s most haunted location, the spookily monikered (yet amazingly high Scrabble scoring) Aokigahara Forest.

"Put it in me!"

For those of you who don't know the famous forest, which is just below the northwest base of Mount Fuji and across the road from the big Aldi superstore has always been linked to the Japanese belief in the paranormal, especially those legends pertaining to the 'ubasute' (ghosts of old women abandoned by their families - a bit like your mum) and the 'yurei' (those of lonely suicide victims).

But what, I hear you cry do these supernatural spooks have to do with the Sara's sisters disappearance?

Expect bumps, bangs and the best tree-based horror since The Evil Bod.

Which has been turned down again by the organisers for being just too crap.

Oh well, there are plenty of DVD's still available for anyone who's interested.

Evil Bod...Not as shite as the remake and only a fiver to buy. Bargain.

Anyway on to Friday’s first fright and another UK Première, this time it's the tongue tripping THE HEXECUTIONERS, director (and sometime holiday specialist) Jesse Thomas Cook’s trouser-soiling story of state sanctioned euthanasia where the young and inexperienced Malison (Liv Collins, daughter of drummer Phil and ex-Eastender Michelle) alongside seasoned suicide specialist Olivia (Sarah Power) are sent to the remote estate of the mysterious Milos Somborac, whose deathbed wish is to die via the Tibetan death ritual known as the Yotar Sky Burial.

Which sounds fairly legit if I'm honest.

Sexy redhead in sensible knitwear?....Check! That'll be the best movie of the weekend sorted.

Soon tho' the real reason as to why this arcane method has been chosen becomes clear as the death-dealing duo find themselves fighting a whole host of scary spirits whilst attempting to look good in a variety of sensible knitwear.

How can you possibly follow that? I hear you cry.

Easy, is the answer, with the UK Première of Sonny Mallhi’s ANGUISH, which has been described as the creepiest and most resonant American independent horror since It Follows.

Blue is the warmest colour.

Which is a shame really but to be honest there's no way it could be as arse-numbingly awful as that so I'm actually quite looking forward to it especially as the main character is a troubled teen with a dissociative identity disorder which makes her susceptible to seeing dead people.

Which is nice.

A quick fag and toilet break may be in order before the next film wish is the much-anticipated (it says in the press release and who am I to argue?) World Première of Stephen King adaptation CELL starring John Cusack, Samuel L. Jackson, everyones favourite freaky foster kid Isabelle Fuhrman and - wait for it - STACY FUCKING KEACH!

 

Stacy Fucking Keach.

When a powerful signal is broadcast across the worlds mobile phone networks worldwide, every user’s mind is dangerously re-programmed turning them all into crazed killers.

Think that woman who plays Candy Crush on the train opposite you every morning but with better teeth.

As civilization crumbles and the bloodthirsty ‘phoners’ attack anything that moves it's left to artist - how cool is that? you hardly ever get artists as the hero, I love it already - Clay Riddell (Cusack), a man desperately searching for his wife and son alongside a ragtag group of survivors - including Tom McCourt (Jackson) to battle against the high as a kite horde whilst looking for the mysterious 'Raggedy Man’, a man (who is raggedy) who may just have the answers to what the hell is happening.

Phew.

Next up is the Scanners-tastic THE MIND’S EYE, directed by Joe (Almost Human) Begos.

Set in snowy 1990 New England, this big smoochy lip-smacking tribute to David Cronenberg (when he was good) and Brian De Palma tells the story of telekinetic fugitive Zack Connors (Begos regular Graham Skipper), a man who can move and destroy objects with his mind.

And probably undo ladies bra's but I'm not sure.

The Mind's Eye...Just not this one.

Picked up by the authorities our hero is sent to a research institute run by the diabolical Doctor Slovak who, despite promising that he’ll reunite Zack with his girlfriend Rachel (The Woman's Lauren Ashley Carter) is in reality using his patients to create a synthetic mind-control serum for his own power-crazed use.

As you would too if you're honest with yourself.

Rounding off (as opposed to polishing off) Friday is the European première of Tyler MacIntyre’s love letter to Frank Henenlotter, PATCHWORK.

"Scabs roon' mah mooth!"

More lie back and bitch than Lilo and Stitch, this sexy spin on Mary Shelley mixes gore and guffaws to comic (horror) effect as three young women - queen bitch Jennifer (Tory Stolper), airhead Ellie (Tracey Fairaway - so close) and button-nosed weirdling Madeleine (Maria Blasucci) wake up after a night out to find themselves not only in a strange laboratory but also hastily stitched together in one body.

Discovering that they share thoughts as well as arms and legs (but not alas three arses) will the women manage to co-operate long enough to not only make their escape but extract shevenge on the mad scientist responsible for their condition?


You'll just have to wait and see.

Or at the very least wait till someone else has seen it and ask them.

There's time for a tearful wank and a Pot Noodle in your crummy, lice infested hotel room (you'll not sleep, the couple next door will see to that) before Saturday's programme burst into action with the Scottish Première of Roar Uthaug’s water-based disaster epic THE WAVE.

Norway's biggest hit of last year - and a Scandinavian smash to boot - The Wave finds bearded geology bloke Kristian working at an early warning centre in the small town of Geiranger keeping an eye out for rockslides, lost sheep and the like.

Here come The Belgians!

Unfortunately the calm and quiet is soon shattered when the a fjord called Geiranger (bless you) breaks (you can tell that geology was my strong point at school) creating an 85 metre high tsunami.

Expect damp seats, woolly jumpers and children in peril.

Next up is a slice of pie that is the portmanteau horror SOUTHBOUND, five interlocking tales of terror from the makers of (gulp) V/H/S that follow the fates of a group of travellers over one long night on a desolate stretch of desert highway.

Southbound....and we all know what that means.

Promising supernatural horrors haunting a pair of blood bathed blokes, an all-girl band discovering the true meaning of family values, a home invasion and a botched rescue mission, Southbound should have something for everyone.

Everything that is except arse-kicking martial arts action possibly but fear not because it's followed by the high-kicking Hong Kong hit SPL2: A TIME FOR CONSEQUENCES.

Less Strictly Come Dancing more violently come on my face.

Director Soi Cheang's tale of Thailand’s criminal underworld sees undercover Hong Kong cop Kit isent to a terrifying Thai prison after his cover is blown during a botched operation where or bowl-haired hero discovers that the jail is really a cover for an organ trafficking ring run by a group of sweaty bad men.

Luckily there's one honest guard in the prison (and he's played by Tony Jaa - how lucky is that?) setting the scene for an top-tier, turbo-charged excuse to watch grown men kicking seven shades of shite out of each other in a variety of ever more amazing ways.



There's just enough time for a quick wee before director Johannes Roberts presents the European première of his spooktacular shocker THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR.

Distraught after losing (as in he died, not in a McCann way) her son, India-based antiques dealer Maria (Walking Dead's Sarah Wayne Callies) discovers a dark rite (there's always one) that will let her to say goodbye to her dead child and hopefully find closure.

Unbeknownst to her husband Michael, she travels to a remote temple (tho' probably not by public transport) where the it is said that the barriers ’twixt the world of the living and the dead is at it's thinnest.

Being a girl tho' Maria messes up the ritual allowing the spirit of the evil goddess Myrtu to enter our realm and roam the earth once more.

Now Maria must protect her daughter Lucy from this netherworld nasty whilst trying to explain all this to my nan.

Ramping up the gore factor by 73.6% is Can Evrenol’s (Can Evrenol what I hear you ask....who knows?) Turkish delight that is BASKIN. 

"I think I'll have strawberry milkshake!"

 Packed to the rafters with bizzaro chills, an atmosphere you can cut with a knife and lashing of perviness, Evrenol’s mental mix of everything from Coffin Joe to H.P. Lovecraft and HP Sauce possibly (via Argento and Barker - Clive not Ronnie) promises a terrifyingly taunt tour-de-force of ultra-violence and extreme horror that sees an unfortunate police squad stumble upon a Black Mass being performed by a nightmare cabal of subhuman cannibalistic freaks with a thing for imaginative blood ceremonies. 

And frogs.

Jack the lad need not apply.

A wee history lesson now as we travel back to 2008 and Pascal Laugiers  MARTYRS, controversial on release it's best known for having a top plot, a great beginning, shocking middle and incredibly satisfying ending.

Unfortunately Laugiers decided to stick another ending on top of that which turned a nice little religious shocker into a tediously overblown 'O' level dissertation into the existence (or not) of God that managed to piss any goodwill or enjoyment you may have had up the wall.

Now our American cousins come to the rescue (in much the same way they did in WW II) with the UK première of the highly anticipated remake.

Directing siblings Kevin and Michael Goetz have promised a bold reimagining of the source material rather than a slavish remake so this might be worth a look.


Or then again, it might be rubbish.

Two Martyrs yesterday (that probably only works if you say it out loud).

Either way there wont be much time to argue about it as this year’s (Henry) cavalcade of carnage climaxes with a bloody big bang of heavy metal fuelled murder and mayhem with the UK première of Sean (The Loved Ones) Byrne’s THE DEVIL’S CANDY, which by all accounts is meant to be rather good.

Rather rubbish artist (is there a theme this year?) Jesse Hellman (Ethan Embry) alongside his wife Astrid (Ex-All Saint Shiri Appleby) and metal-head daughter Zooey (Kiara - I belong to - Glasco) moves to a house in Texas, unfortunately (for them that is) the house has a violent past.

 

Owen Wilson - The pikey years.

 By that I'm assuming that bad things happened in it and not that the actual house itself got up off its foundations and ran amok, tho' that would be worth seeing

It's not long before his paintings start taking on a darkly disturbing turn when a drifter called Ray turns up on their doorstep wanting to move back into where his parents tragically died.

Nope, sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

And if that list of frankly magnificent movie mayhem isn't enough to tempt you then frankly you're beyond help.

Tho' I'll forgive you if you buy a T-shirt.

FrightFest Glasgow runs from 26th and 27th February and tickets are available here.

meat is mulder.

In anticipation of the return to our screens of The X Files here's a celebration of the best* fan art on t'interweb.

Enjoy.

*probably.

mack the knife.

Caught up with this on it's limited release after it closed Fantastic Fest in Austin (thanks Colin).

No idea why I'm bothering writing anything except 'see it now' because it's frankly magnificent but heyho I get paid by the word.

Probably.

And a happy 2016 by the way.....

Bone Tomahawk (2015).
Dir: Steven Craig Zahler.
Cast: Kurt Russell, Patrick Wilson, Matthew Fox, Richard Jenkins, Lili Simmons,
David Arquette and Sid Haig.

It's the dust covered and shite smelling 'old' west in the arse end of the 1890s where robbery obsessed double act Arch Hall and Warren Oates (Arquette and Haig) are planning a well deserved break after a busy month of attacking and killing any travellers they come across on the western plains.

Unfortunately (especially those looking forward to dear old Sid taking a lead role) the pair are themselves attacked by assailants unseen.

Oates is killed but a terrified Hall manages to escape to the nearby town of Pensnett-on-the-Plains where he hides himself in the local saloon.

Not being local tho' (and stinking of piss) it's not long before his presence (and odour) comes to the attention of the local Sheriff Franklin Hunt (Russell, no introduction necessary) and his forgetful "Back Up Deputy" Chicory Tip (Jenkins) who shoots him in the leg to stop him leaving without paying his bar tab.

Oh OK then, it's because Chicory saw him burying a stash of bloodstained clothes under a bush.

And they say Govan is rough.

Taking him to the jail (but not alas up the casino) Hunt calls on local doctors assistant Samantha O'Dwyer (Simmons, daughter of Richard) for help, partly to give her a break from looking after her invalid husband Arthur (father of Owen and Luke, Patrick) who's recuperating after breaking his leg falling off the roof trying to adjust the aerial in order to get unscrambled porn but mainly because the town doctor is a drunk who never leaves his house.

Escorted by local sexy man, the mightily moustached John Brooder (Fox), O'Dwyer prepares to spend the night mopping Hall's sweaty brow whilst the menfolk catch up on their sleep.

Don't hustle the Russell.

The next morning Hunt and co. are surprised to find that the town has been attacked by persons unknown resulting in not only the death of a stable boy (as opposed to an unstable girl) and some horses but the abduction of  O'Dwyer, Hall and the young deputy Nick.

Which is nice.

Wearing his best investigating hat (in a change from his Snake Plissken eyepatch or MacReady stick-on beard) Hunt soon discovers a strange arrow embedded in a nearby post.

The wooden type not an internet one obviously.

Assembling a meeting at the pub, the towns very own Native American, known as The Professor, tells those gathered that the arrow belongs to a scary group of primitive Native Americans called 'Troglodytes'.

These cannibalistic cave dwellers are feared by all 'true' Native Americans due to their extreme savagery and love of buttock revealing loin cloths.

Imagine a dirtier, more broken toothed type of Brummie with a lower IQ and you're halfway there.

Hunt, being the heroic type - and being Kurt Russell obviously, decides to organise a rescue mission - against The Professor's advice - and assembles a party to track the Trogs back to their caves.

Not too surprisingly Mr. O'Dwyer insists on joining them despite his gammy leg as does the loyal Chicory and the enigmatic Brooder - who feels responsible as he escorted Samantha that fateful night.

Turns out that Brooder has had run ins with the natives before, killing quite a few in the process and feels that this more than qualifies him for the mission.

Plus he was Racer X in Speed Racer so who are we to argue?

"I can see your house from here Peter!"

The fantastic foursome soon depart into the wilds and as tempers fray and the heat rises are soon bickering between them, Brooder especially seems to revel in the antagonism he causes with in group.

As the band head deeper into the unknown the brave men must deal not only with their own fears and prejudices but with the very idea of their own mortality.

Oh yeah and a band of big toothed bone crunching cannibals just over the horizon.

Reminiscent of both Joe R Lansdale's stint on Jonah Hex for Vertigo back in the 90's and JT Petty's magnificent The Burrowers, Steven Craig Zahler's directorial debut is as near to cinematic perfection as you can find.

Perfectly cast, beautifully shot and as lean as Kurt's facial hair is fancy, Bone Tomahawk is an instant classic and why it hasn't had a wider - oh go on any - release beyond VOD is a mystery worthy of a movie itself.

But enough bitching and more raving.

As previously mentioned (just go back and check the cast list), the casting director for this deserves a special award himself for managing to get such a stellar band of actors together (and that's not including the likes of Michael Pare, Fred Melamed, Sean Young and more in cameo roles) but it’s Zahler’s almost poetic script with it's this tight and taunt dialogue alongside his confident, unflashy direction and almost funeral pacing that really brings home the horror of the groups situation as the whole thing builds toward a darkly intense (and incredibly violent) final act. 

Do whatever you have to to see this, then buy a copy for your nearest and dearest before getting them to do the same.

hoots mon.

Happy Hogmanay dear reader(s)!
Here's hoping that 2016 brings even more crushing disappointments, god-awful straight to DVD shite and a Babadook sequel.

when there's no more hair in hell...

More badly (re)animated fun.....Dawn of the Bod part 2.....enjoy! 

how do you solve a problem like maria?

Sorting out the arena for the upcoming fully illustrated print version when I found this languishing unfinished and unloved in a draft pile so thought I'd polish it off and pop it up.

Apologises for the shortness or any made up stuff but it's been about 9 years since I started this review.

Anyway, enjoy!

I Love Maria (AKA Roboforce, 1988).
Dir: David Chung.
Cast: John Shum, Tsui Hark, Sally Yeh, Tony Leung and Lam Ching-Ying.

The misleadingly monikered and frighteningly fashioned Hero Gang, led by the evil Terry (Lam) and the sadistically sexy Maria (Yeh, the one in The Killer that's not Chow Yun Fat) is conducting a rather revolting reign of terror against Hong Kong's banking sector with the aid of a seemingly unstoppable robot named Pioneer I.

First on the scene is ace reporter and general sexy man TQ Zhuang
(Hong Kong's very own David Tennant, Leung looking about six in this) who is then unceremoniously fired for forgetting to remove his lens cap and getting a photo of the robot during the robbery.

Arse.

This still has bugger all to do with the movie but popped up during an 'I love Maria' image search...gotta love Google.

Although the Pioneer I is a perfectly built killing and robbing machine Terry decides that to be truly effective it really needs to have huge chrome breasts and a curvy metal arse so he decides to build a brand new robot in the (basic) form of Maria, naming it Pioneer II.

Imagination isn't really his strong point obviously.

Meanwhile beleaguered copper cum robotics research boffin Curly (the frighteningly Danny Baker-esque Shum) who has just been accused of taking backhanders by his superiors has decided to drown his sorrows in a local bar where he comes across (insert innuendo here) a former Hero Gang member Whiskey Joe (groovy goateed cult director Hark) who - by a strange coincidence - has also been accused of betrayal, in his case by his former gang pals.

Unfortunately their evenings fun is curtailed when the Hero Gang decide to send Pioneer II into the bar to kill Joe.

Which is nice.

Something, something, laugh now, something.

Luckily the robot is much more female than anyone could imagine and, while chasing Whiskey, ladders it's tights causing it to have a massive breakdown in the street giving Joe and Curly chance to bundle it into the back of a van and head off to Curly's shed in an amusing attempt to repair and reprogramme the it.

Because altering the program of a sentient machine with chrome globes is dead easy to do, obviously.

Well it must be easier than shackling it to a radiator and sticking things in it.

Tho' Joe does have a huge girly crush on the real Maria so he might be tempted. 

"Can you beat the Daz doorstep challenge waaaahhhh?"

But guess what?

Yup they do indeed succeed in their mission (oh ye of little faith) and Pioneer II is ready to accept their bidding.

Now is it just me or if you had a sexy robot girl that obeyed your every command, would the first thing you'd do to road test it really be to attacked the bad men's base?

Oh, just me then.

So our heroes, armed only with frighteningly bad hair and teeth and a big box of Daz join forces with Zhuang to complete their mission and bring down the Hero Gang.

"Help mah Boab! it's the sighbaaahmon!"

The scene is set for a power-packed final showdown between the Hero Gang, Pioneer I, a martial arts expert who is desperate to join the good guys - named Brian or something - there's always one isn't there? - (Ching-Ying) , robot Maria (all spruced and shiny), the real Maria, a dwarf clown, our heroes and the evil crime boss.

Phew!

Transformers: robots in mah mooth.

David Chung's lo-fi romp is a fairly harmless way to spend an hour and a half, in parts funny and exciting but with the added bonus of the constantly frowning (and strangely attractive in a maths teacher-ish kinda way), all singing, all dancing Sally Yeh not only in shiny chrome pants but also - at some points - with her breasts encased in a tough black rubber bra thing.

And all whilst wearing a spray painted swimming cap.

Erotic does not do it justice.

If that's not enough to get your pulses racing (well you're here so you can't be that picky) there's also Hong Kong's very own (tho' slightly less dead eyed) Sam Raimi, the god-like Tsui Hark, showing that his on screen talent for comedy matches his obvious behind the scenes skills and it's Hark, alongside chubby funster John Shum that give us one of the best cinematic comedy double acts since Myers and Loomis in the original Halloween.

And you can't give higher praise than that.

Well you probably can but it's almost 2 AM and I'm rather drunk so that will have to suffice.

Beats the rampant rabbit I guess.

Harder to find than your real dad but (unlike your sister) well worth making the effort to hunt down, especially if you're a fan of action based chic flick comedies with added big robots.

And at the end of the day who isn't?

Not another fucking Fantastic Four reboot!

Can I just add that I lied about the dwarf.

Sorry.

on the mark.

No excuses, I just love this man.