meat is mulder.

In anticipation of the return to our screens of The X Files here's a celebration of the best* fan art on t'interweb.

Enjoy.

*probably.

mack the knife.

Caught up with this on it's limited release after it closed Fantastic Fest in Austin (thanks Colin).

No idea why I'm bothering writing anything except 'see it now' because it's frankly magnificent but heyho I get paid by the word.

Probably.

And a happy 2016 by the way.....

Bone Tomahawk (2015).
Dir: Steven Craig Zahler.
Cast: Kurt Russell, Patrick Wilson, Matthew Fox, Richard Jenkins, Lili Simmons,
David Arquette and Sid Haig.

It's the dust covered and shite smelling 'old' west in the arse end of the 1890s where robbery obsessed double act Arch Hall and Warren Oates (Arquette and Haig) are planning a well deserved break after a busy month of attacking and killing any travellers they come across on the western plains.

Unfortunately (especially those looking forward to dear old Sid taking a lead role) the pair are themselves attacked by assailants unseen.

Oates is killed but a terrified Hall manages to escape to the nearby town of Pensnett-on-the-Plains where he hides himself in the local saloon.

Not being local tho' (and stinking of piss) it's not long before his presence (and odour) comes to the attention of the local Sheriff Franklin Hunt (Russell, no introduction necessary) and his forgetful "Back Up Deputy" Chicory Tip (Jenkins) who shoots him in the leg to stop him leaving without paying his bar tab.

Oh OK then, it's because Chicory saw him burying a stash of bloodstained clothes under a bush.

And they say Govan is rough.

Taking him to the jail (but not alas up the casino) Hunt calls on local doctors assistant Samantha O'Dwyer (Simmons, daughter of Richard) for help, partly to give her a break from looking after her invalid husband Arthur (father of Owen and Luke, Patrick) who's recuperating after breaking his leg falling off the roof trying to adjust the aerial in order to get unscrambled porn but mainly because the town doctor is a drunk who never leaves his house.

Escorted by local sexy man, the mightily moustached John Brooder (Fox), O'Dwyer prepares to spend the night mopping Hall's sweaty brow whilst the menfolk catch up on their sleep.

Don't hustle the Russell.

The next morning Hunt and co. are surprised to find that the town has been attacked by persons unknown resulting in not only the death of a stable boy (as opposed to an unstable girl) and some horses but the abduction of  O'Dwyer, Hall and the young deputy Nick.

Which is nice.

Wearing his best investigating hat (in a change from his Snake Plissken eyepatch or MacReady stick-on beard) Hunt soon discovers a strange arrow embedded in a nearby post.

The wooden type not an internet one obviously.

Assembling a meeting at the pub, the towns very own Native American, known as The Professor, tells those gathered that the arrow belongs to a scary group of primitive Native Americans called 'Troglodytes'.

These cannibalistic cave dwellers are feared by all 'true' Native Americans due to their extreme savagery and love of buttock revealing loin cloths.

Imagine a dirtier, more broken toothed type of Brummie with a lower IQ and you're halfway there.

Hunt, being the heroic type - and being Kurt Russell obviously, decides to organise a rescue mission - against The Professor's advice - and assembles a party to track the Trogs back to their caves.

Not too surprisingly Mr. O'Dwyer insists on joining them despite his gammy leg as does the loyal Chicory and the enigmatic Brooder - who feels responsible as he escorted Samantha that fateful night.

Turns out that Brooder has had run ins with the natives before, killing quite a few in the process and feels that this more than qualifies him for the mission.

Plus he was Racer X in Speed Racer so who are we to argue?

"I can see your house from here Peter!"

The fantastic foursome soon depart into the wilds and as tempers fray and the heat rises are soon bickering between them, Brooder especially seems to revel in the antagonism he causes with in group.

As the band head deeper into the unknown the brave men must deal not only with their own fears and prejudices but with the very idea of their own mortality.

Oh yeah and a band of big toothed bone crunching cannibals just over the horizon.

Reminiscent of both Joe R Lansdale's stint on Jonah Hex for Vertigo back in the 90's and JT Petty's magnificent The Burrowers, Steven Craig Zahler's directorial debut is as near to cinematic perfection as you can find.

Perfectly cast, beautifully shot and as lean as Kurt's facial hair is fancy, Bone Tomahawk is an instant classic and why it hasn't had a wider - oh go on any - release beyond VOD is a mystery worthy of a movie itself.

But enough bitching and more raving.

As previously mentioned (just go back and check the cast list), the casting director for this deserves a special award himself for managing to get such a stellar band of actors together (and that's not including the likes of Michael Pare, Fred Melamed, Sean Young and more in cameo roles) but it’s Zahler’s almost poetic script with it's this tight and taunt dialogue alongside his confident, unflashy direction and almost funeral pacing that really brings home the horror of the groups situation as the whole thing builds toward a darkly intense (and incredibly violent) final act. 

Do whatever you have to to see this, then buy a copy for your nearest and dearest before getting them to do the same.

hoots mon.

Happy Hogmanay dear reader(s)!
Here's hoping that 2016 brings even more crushing disappointments, god-awful straight to DVD shite and a Babadook sequel.

when there's no more hair in hell...

More badly (re)animated fun.....Dawn of the Bod part 2.....enjoy! 

how do you solve a problem like maria?

Sorting out the arena for the upcoming fully illustrated print version when I found this languishing unfinished and unloved in a draft pile so thought I'd polish it off and pop it up.

Apologises for the shortness or any made up stuff but it's been about 9 years since I started this review.

Anyway, enjoy!

I Love Maria (AKA Roboforce, 1988).
Dir: David Chung.
Cast: John Shum, Tsui Hark, Sally Yeh, Tony Leung and Lam Ching-Ying.

The misleadingly monikered and frighteningly fashioned Hero Gang, led by the evil Terry (Lam) and the sadistically sexy Maria (Yeh, the one in The Killer that's not Chow Yun Fat) is conducting a rather revolting reign of terror against Hong Kong's banking sector with the aid of a seemingly unstoppable robot named Pioneer I.

First on the scene is ace reporter and general sexy man TQ Zhuang
(Hong Kong's very own David Tennant, Leung looking about six in this) who is then unceremoniously fired for forgetting to remove his lens cap and getting a photo of the robot during the robbery.

Arse.

This still has bugger all to do with the movie but popped up during an 'I love Maria' image search...gotta love Google.

Although the Pioneer I is a perfectly built killing and robbing machine Terry decides that to be truly effective it really needs to have huge chrome breasts and a curvy metal arse so he decides to build a brand new robot in the (basic) form of Maria, naming it Pioneer II.

Imagination isn't really his strong point obviously.

Meanwhile beleaguered copper cum robotics research boffin Curly (the frighteningly Danny Baker-esque Shum) who has just been accused of taking backhanders by his superiors has decided to drown his sorrows in a local bar where he comes across (insert innuendo here) a former Hero Gang member Whiskey Joe (groovy goateed cult director Hark) who - by a strange coincidence - has also been accused of betrayal, in his case by his former gang pals.

Unfortunately their evenings fun is curtailed when the Hero Gang decide to send Pioneer II into the bar to kill Joe.

Which is nice.

Something, something, laugh now, something.

Luckily the robot is much more female than anyone could imagine and, while chasing Whiskey, ladders it's tights causing it to have a massive breakdown in the street giving Joe and Curly chance to bundle it into the back of a van and head off to Curly's shed in an amusing attempt to repair and reprogramme the it.

Because altering the program of a sentient machine with chrome globes is dead easy to do, obviously.

Well it must be easier than shackling it to a radiator and sticking things in it.

Tho' Joe does have a huge girly crush on the real Maria so he might be tempted. 

"Can you beat the Daz doorstep challenge waaaahhhh?"

But guess what?

Yup they do indeed succeed in their mission (oh ye of little faith) and Pioneer II is ready to accept their bidding.

Now is it just me or if you had a sexy robot girl that obeyed your every command, would the first thing you'd do to road test it really be to attacked the bad men's base?

Oh, just me then.

So our heroes, armed only with frighteningly bad hair and teeth and a big box of Daz join forces with Zhuang to complete their mission and bring down the Hero Gang.

"Help mah Boab! it's the sighbaaahmon!"

The scene is set for a power-packed final showdown between the Hero Gang, Pioneer I, a martial arts expert who is desperate to join the good guys - named Brian or something - there's always one isn't there? - (Ching-Ying) , robot Maria (all spruced and shiny), the real Maria, a dwarf clown, our heroes and the evil crime boss.

Phew!

Transformers: robots in mah mooth.

David Chung's lo-fi romp is a fairly harmless way to spend an hour and a half, in parts funny and exciting but with the added bonus of the constantly frowning (and strangely attractive in a maths teacher-ish kinda way), all singing, all dancing Sally Yeh not only in shiny chrome pants but also - at some points - with her breasts encased in a tough black rubber bra thing.

And all whilst wearing a spray painted swimming cap.

Erotic does not do it justice.

If that's not enough to get your pulses racing (well you're here so you can't be that picky) there's also Hong Kong's very own (tho' slightly less dead eyed) Sam Raimi, the god-like Tsui Hark, showing that his on screen talent for comedy matches his obvious behind the scenes skills and it's Hark, alongside chubby funster John Shum that give us one of the best cinematic comedy double acts since Myers and Loomis in the original Halloween.

And you can't give higher praise than that.

Well you probably can but it's almost 2 AM and I'm rather drunk so that will have to suffice.

Beats the rampant rabbit I guess.

Harder to find than your real dad but (unlike your sister) well worth making the effort to hunt down, especially if you're a fan of action based chic flick comedies with added big robots.

And at the end of the day who isn't?

Not another fucking Fantastic Four reboot!

Can I just add that I lied about the dwarf.

Sorry.

on the mark.

No excuses, I just love this man.

force fed.

Sorry for the lack of recent updates....work and stuff been getting in the way but I couldn't let the release of the second best movie of the year go unheralded so here, for your pleasure is a handy print out and throw away tribute to people eating and drinking in star Wars.

Enjoy.