h.p. source.

So I decided to watch one of those modern films that the cool kids keep talking about and not just that, I watched one that has been hailed as the future of horror.

In the small midwestern - possibly in Pennsylvania - jumbo-eyed junkie James (Stern - not the radio shock jock) frighteningly flees from a farmhouse and into the woods as a couple of check-shirted shotgun toting townies - a never named father and son who for the sake of this review we will call Dick and Dom.

This will be less confusing later seeing as the father is actually played by someone called Fathers who strangely enough looks bizarrely like a younger, fitter Richard Liberty - whilst the son is played by a council estate Matt Damon.

Under the pseudonym Mik Byskov.

As you can see he doesn't have his character name in his actual name.

But he does have the word 'boy' in it tho' which you might call your son.

Anyway I digress.

It seems this pair have been busying themselves madly shooting shit and dosing women in petrol before setting light to them.

So far so The Crazies.

But it's not 1973 and this isn't one of Romero's finest (after Bruiser obviously) - we're actually in 2017 and experiencing the neon nightmare that is.....

The Void (2016).
Dir: Steven Kostanski and Jeremy Gillespie.
Cast: Ellen Wong, Aaron Poole, Evan Stern, Kathleen Munroe, Art Hindle, Daniel Fathers, Mik Byskov, Gracie Munro, James Millington, Stephanie Belding and Kenneth Walsh.

This is hell!

Meanwhile a wee bit further down the road, lank-haired deputy sheriff Daniel Carter (Poole - a near perfect amalgamation of Nic Cage, Daniel Roebuck and David Arquette but wearing his dads shirt) is enjoying a nice nap in his warm police car.

His dreams of trains and tunnels are rudely interrupted not by the dustman but by James tumbling out of the bushes and into the road.

Being a nice guy - and wanting to move the plot forward Carter bundles him into the car and takes him to the local hospital where by some strange quirk of fate and convenient storytelling his estranged wife Alison (the scarily long-faced Munroe) works as a nurse.

Well I'm assuming she's a nurse, I mean she's dressed like one but then again so is the feisty intern Kim (Wong from Scott Pilgrim but don't hold that against her) and she seems to know fuck all about medicine and seems much more interested in paying homage to the bit in Nightmare City when the lovely Mrs. Miller chats to Phil about his ailment.

Thinking about it I should have heard the alarm bells as soon as it started riffing Umberto Lenzi really.

But it's OK as before you have time to consider the ramifications of this frankly freaky homage we've moved into Assault On Precinct 13 territory, you see the hospital was gutted by a fire recently so it's officially closed with only a handful of staff on call and two patients - the pregnant Maggie (Munro looking for all the world like Lynn Lowry circa I Drink Your Blood) who's accompanied by her grampa Ben (Darkman II's Millington) and some bloke called Cliff Killedsoon who is so instantly forgettable as to not being listed on IMDB.

Travesty of justice or lucky escape?

You decide.

Tinky Winky's let himself go.

Arriving at the hospital Carter is met by the enigmatic Dr. Peter Powell (Twin Peaks Windom Earle himself Walsh - so he'll be the baddie then), nurse Beverly (Belding - wife of Saved By The Bell's Richard), the aforementioned Kim and Alison giving the pair a chance to exchange longing glances across a gurney.

After a few minutes of backstory chat (they split up due to their son dying during childbirth - selfish sod) and mugs of coffee Carter makes his excuses and sneaks off for a wee only to come across (not in that way) Beverly sticking a pair of scissors into Cliff's eye (son) before attempting to remove her face.

Carter does what any self respecting policeman would do in that situation and shoots her dead before collapsing due to a seizure.

Cue a couple of trippy hippy visions cut to the ominous sound of a cow mooing.

Same scene, different shit.

As the entire cast run around trying to figure out what just happened the gruff state trooper Cameron Mitchell (Hindle from The Brood) turns up demanding that James be handed over to him immediately.

If not sooner.

It seems that the farmhouse slayings haven't gone unnoticed and that Mitchell (having a nicer hat) is now in charge.

Carter heads out to his car to radio the station regarding the situation only to be confronted by a gaggle of robed cultists who attack him without warning before he manages to crawl back inside the hospital only to find a terrified James being attack by the corpse of Beverly which has transformed into a slimy multi-tentacle beast.

Which is nice.

As Carter and Mitchell attempt to rescue James from a fate usually reserved for cartoon Japanese schoolgirls Dick and Dom burst into the hospital and angrily hold everyone at gunpoint.

It appears they have unfinished business with James.

"Aye son!"

James - being a bad druggie type - takes Maggie hostage and in the ensuing confusion stabs Dr. Powell in the neck.

There's no time for recriminations tho' (well not yet) as no sooner has he fallen to the floor when the Beverly beast reappears dragging Mitchell of to his doom.

Being experienced monster botherers (kinda) Dick and Dom easily kill the creature before returning the others in order to shout angrily about things.

Because there's nothing like a wee bit of tension to up the stakes.

Stopping the manly pissing/dick measuring competition long enough to formulate  a plan of attack/escape/something to pass the time Dick and Dom agree to accompany Carter to retrieve his shotgun from a patrol car but just as they're about to venture outside Maggie begins to fart loudly which as everyone reading knows means she's about to give birth.

Alison volunteers to go into the basement (alone) to collect medical supplies for delivering the baby  little realizing that Powell has risen from the dead and is hiding in the morgue waiting to pounce.

"Shite in mah mooth!"

Concerned for Alison's safety Carter goes to look for her only to receive a phone call from Powell in order to explain bits of the plot whilst taunting him with regards to the vision he experienced earlier.

Just in case we hadn't realized that Powell is involved Dick comes across a box of Polaroids featuring pictures of dead bodies and the good doctor in a white robe holding a hood exactly like the cultists wear.

Yup, think we got it thanks.

With Kim - and Ben - looking after Maggie Carter, Dick and Dom - convinced that James knows more than he's letting on - decide to torture the poor fella for a bit in the hope of discovering useful stuff.

Under threat of a particularly nasty Chinese Burn,  James breathlessly explains how Powell has the power to transform people into monsters and runs a sex cult to those ends.

Which makes about as much sense as anything else happening I guess.

Convinced by all this meta-psychical sub Lovecraftian nonsense (and hoping to get invited to one of Powell's parties)  the three men drag James with them as they head into the basement to find Alison and confront the doctor.

"Is it in yet?"

Meanwhile Alison awakes to find herself strapped naked to an operating table whilst Powell explains how he has discovered a way to hold back death.

Think that scene in Re-Animator but without the joy of Barbara Crampton's frankly magnificent breasts.

Approaching the Alison in a manner usually reserved for Disney villains and slightly drunk old men Powell pulls back her bedding to reveal that her tummy has been replaced with a hastily painted plastic bag attached to a hair dryer to make it move about in a comedy manner.

No hang on I think it means that something is growing in her belly.

My bad.

Fantastic breasts and where to find them (it's 1hr and 5 mins in if you're interested).

As all this pervy pregnancy stuff is going down Carter, Dick, Dom and James are having a few troubles of their own seeing as the hospitals dimensions appear to be shifting and changing leaving them stuck in a room full of horribly mutated corpses brought back to life by Powell during his initial experiments.

almost instantly James - now being superfluous to the plot is killed whilst the three amigos are separated as they run for cover.

Meanwhile back upstairs Maggie is either going into labour (Corbin will be pleased) or having a massive poo - either way she begs Kim to perform a C-section.

Or a mildly erotic dance, take your pick.

But on accounts of being the worse medic this side of Harold Shipman Kim just stands about screaming only stopping when Maggie - desperate for something interesting to happen - cuts her granddads throat.

Turns out that Maggie is in fact carrying Dr. Powell’s child.

As in that's the baby in her tummy, she's not got it in a rucksack.

As the creepy cutists enter the building Kim decides to hide in a cupboard.

Maggie may.....or may not.

Back in the basement and Carter has so far been unsuccessful in finding anything of consequence to move the plot forward but has found his ex-wife.

Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how you feel about Japanese porn) she's been transformed into a multi-tentacled baby machine by the evil Powell.

Realizing that he'll never find a dress to fit her Carter kills her with an axe before being suddenly transported onto the set of The Neon Demon where Powell proceeds to tell our hero that he has found the ability to conquer life and death.

He promises to give Carter the secret but only if he embraces death first.

Sounds legit.

Told you.

Before he can answer tho' Maggie appears and stabs him in the back.

As Carter crawls toward the massive florescent triangle on the wall Powell finally reveals what he's been up to in the basement - constructing an almost perfect Uncle Frank from Hellraiser suit in order to knock 'em dead at the next horror con.

Probably.

I mean there's no other reason to have him in a skin (free) latex suit other than in tribute to that Clive Barker classic.

Tho' if they were real horror fans they'd have dressed him as Rawhead Rex and have done with it.

Cop a load of this!

As Maggie kneels before him,  Powell begins to recite a spooky incantation that causes the pregnant girls stomach to explode as she gives birth to the biggest and unintentionally (I hope) funny monster this side of Alien Resurrection's Newborn which then proceeds to stomp on the cultists heads whilst dragging its mum around by the umbilical cord.

Which is kinda worth the price of admission alone if I'm honest.

It's a pity then that Dick and Dom arrive almost immediately and set fire to it.

As the dynamic duo battle the beast baby Carter can only watch in mid apathy as Powell - in a scene reminiscent of an even more 80s version of Stars In Their Eyes but with dodgier wigs - begins his final transformation.

Powell informs Carter that he can still be with Alison.

But only if he gives himself to the abyss.

Which isn't too bad a deal if you think about it, I mean it's much better than having to swear allegiance to Titanic or Avatar.

At least you'd get to rewatch Ed Harris occasionally.

Playschool's windows have gone to the dogs a wee bit since Brexit.

Will Carter choose his wife over his humanity?

Will Dick and Dom survive their encounter with the baby from Hell?

Will Kim make it out of the cupboard alive?

Or will the directors go from playful homage to straight up imagination free rip-off for the climax, leaving the audience feeling slightly cheated?

Go on guess.

From Jeremy Gillespie and Steven Kostanski - members of the 80's-centric, independent Winnipeg-based film production initiative Astron 6 - The Void created a massive buzz late last year with it's decidedly old-school, John Carpenter style vibe and practical effects promising a glorious return to the heady days of pre-cert potboilers and unabashed body horror.

And in some ways the film delivers.

The first 45 minutes is a perfect blend of everything from Assault on Precinct 13 to Prince of Darkness via From Beyond and Shivers and with a smidgen of Silent Hill and even Lordi's Dark Floors for good measure (amongst others) tautly plotted and perfectly cast with just enough of a mix of mystery and homage to keep the viewer intrigued but all that changes as soon as the characters venture forth into the bowels of the hospital and the film doesn't as much run out of steam as grind to a spluttering halt as the cast wonder aimlessly from one movie reference to another desperately searching for a satisfying climax.

Frustrating doesn't cover it as I went from edge of my seat terror to tapping my watch to see if it had stopped, getting more and more fidgety as time passed, desperately wishing that the film would recover and make a last grasp at gory glory.

Unfortunately it doesn't, preferring instead to throw it's hands in the air and shout  "Fuck it" before just copying the ending of The Beyond shot for shot in the hope that no-one has ever seen it.

Or by this point cares. 

As an aside (which may be useful to any aspiring film makers reading) if a viewers only thought coming away from a horror movie is "That's not how placental abruption works" you kinda know you've arsed up the whole new dimension in terror thing.

just saying.

Have you seen this?

 

So have they.....Twice.

I may sound overly harsh but I'd rather the whole thing been shite than see something so brilliant degenerate so quickly.

A bit like your mum with a drink in her.

Whilst never reaching the dizzying heights of Astron 6's previous feature The Editor it's probably still worth a look - just don't believe the hype and fast forward thru' the last half and despite the faults I'm actually fairly excited to see what the pair do next.

Unless it's sending me hate filled emails.

It's happened before.

 

true.

A few years ago whilst masturbating in bushes in a park in Braunton, North Devon I noticed a person behind me.

It was Tom Cruise taking a break from shooting Live, Die, Repeat.

As I turned he smiled and spoke to me.

All he said was "Proceed".

I felt fairly uncomfortable so took a picture and left.

nun too happy.

It's the school holidays so time to let the kids pick the films up for review.

Seeing as the laydees are away at Easter Adventure Camp (TM) it's left to Cassidy to choose.

Again.

Don't forget to be kind in the comments he's only 10.

Satan's Baby Doll (AKA La Bimba di Satana, A Girl For Satan. 1982)
Dir: Mario Bianchi
Cast: Jacqueline Dupré, Mariangela Giordano, Aldo Sambrell, Joe Davers, Giancarlo Del Duca, Alfonso Gaita and Marina Hedman.

Somewhere in the polyester hell that is seventies Spain, the wealthy yet scarily swarthy landowner Antonio Aguilar (Sambrell) is mourning the death of his wife Maria and trying to figure out how he can sneak young girls into the house now that he's got his teenage daughter Miria (Dupré, the 'actress' not the famous cellist) to look after.

Du Pré: Overjoyed to be featured on this blog.
Or she would be if she were alive.

Things begin to take a sinister (yet vaguely amusing) turn when, during the funeral service, just as Miria is gazing doe eyed at her mum, the body begins to shudder and shake in an alarming display of europorn cum acting.

Obviously Miria finds this sight terrifying as do the majority of mourners tho' I must admit it was kinda sexy in an old lady stroke kind of way.

I miss Helen Daniels.


Returning home to their ancestral castle we discover that disco dancing dead mums and sweat sodden dads are the least freaky of the family when compared to Antonio's paraplegic, four-wheeled brother Ignazio, his big haired, bold hipped carer and nun-in-training Sol (Amazonian thighed sleaze bucket Giordano from Nights of Terror) and the shiny headed wooden toothed servant Isidro.

Tensions are high between Sol and Antonio and to make matters worse Ignazio has the hots for Sol, taking any opportunity he can to squeakily follow her round the house (well, the downstairs rooms at least) and spy on her in the shower.

Insert comment about a man biting a big cock here.

Miria, not too surprisingly, seems to be quite depressed due to her mum's death and Isidro, with all his talk of Maria's spirit not being at rest and other superstitious bollocks isn't helping matters.

he's convinced that Miria's dead mum is attempting to possess her daughters body toward some foul act of revenge or maybe just for a laugh.

Who knows?

Late one night Miria is awoken by her mothers voice whispering softly in her ear and ordering the confused teen to visit the family crypt. Being a good girl, Miria obeys her mum only to come across Isidro frantically fiddling with a big cock whilst trying to invoke some nonsensical supernatural protection rite.

Jade Goody: The final interview.

Drawn towards her mother's corpse as if pulled by some strange, talent draining force Miria is horrified to find Maria's cold dead eyes staring back at her.

Miria (being female) screams and faints.

Bless.

Concerned by his daughters behavior (but not, it seems by his handyman's predilection for choking chickens) Antonia arranges for a doctor friend to visit Miria.

Oh and to embalm Maria whilst he's at it.

Much to her dismay, the doctor recommends that Miria should go on holiday for a few weeks and try to forget the spooky voices and bird based violence she's been experiencing. Miria huffs and stamps her feet like a typical teen but Antonio and Sol agree with the doctor and begin to pack her bags.

Everything seems to be back to normal, Ignazio is following Sol around the house with what looks like a dead rat poking out of his lap, Sol is cutting Antonio filthy looks, Isidro is polishing a pair of gorgeous brass knockers and the doctor is embalming Maria in the crypt.

It's a wee bit like Eastenders only better scripted.

Especially when Maria returns to life and injects preserving fluid into his neck.

Miria was shocked to find that her real father was
the unknown, third dwarf Chuckle Brother.

Going down to the cellar with some crisps and a can of Fanta for the doctor, Antonio is shocked to see his friend lying stiff as a board with his dead wife's body astride him holding a big needle. In a bout of panic he decides that rather than call the police it would be easier to torch the car before dumping both it and the doc's body in the local canal.

Sol, either pissed off at the situation or annoyed that this is the longest she's ever gone in a movie without stripping to a pair of cream stockings and sharing her ample bush with the audience, finally loses it with Antonio shouting "You dirty old sod!" at him whilst waving her fists in the air.

But this only helps fan the fire of his insane lust for her and he storms out of the crypt shouting "I promise you this, you little whore....I will eventually have you!"

Oooeerr missis.

Mariangela Giordano wonders if it's in yet.

As the days go by it seems to all concerned that Isidro's hunch about Maria taking over her daughters body was correct (who knew?) as with each passing moment Miria is morphing more and more into her dead mum, revealing secrets about her life as yet unknown to poor Antonio.

You see, behind the safe, floral dressed mumsy exterior Maria was a sex obsessed pervert due, in part to Antonio's drug induced impotence but mainly because she was a dirty lady like the type your gran told you to stay away from. It seems that no one was safe from her ungodly desires and that she'd been shagging everyone from the recently deceased family doctor and a pre-accident Ignazio as well as having a long term lesbian tryst with Sol.

Each to their own.

Antonio, however has more important stuff to deal with and totally ignoring the fact that his nympho dead wife has return from the grave decides that this would be the best time to kill his brother and Sol. Coming up with a plan to wall them both up in the crypt.

For what reason I have no idea, I mean I've had girls knock me back before and I've never had the urge to bury them alive in my garden.

Well maybe just the once.
But whilst he puts his fiendish plan into action Maria has taken total control of Miria's (admittedly curvy) body and is intent on revenge herself....

Miria farted...and it was an eggy one.

Dismissed by many as an inferior remake of the 1979 erotic horror classic Malabimba (albeit with nicer wallpaper), Satan's Baby Doll is a near perfect example of everything that's right (and in some cases so wrong) with the Eurotrash genre.

The film is virtually plotless, existing only to showcase a few cheap scares, some high fashion trousers, a couple of scenic locations plus a fair bit of female nudity from Mariangela Giordano (playing the same role in both films - tho' it would be nice to see her fully clothed for a change seeing as she resembles that drunken auntie you always see at weddings) and the flat faced, lazy eyed Jacqueline Dupré (in her only film role).

I almost feel sorry for her in a way, I mean, imagine being so charisma free as to make a sleazy lesbian love scene appear boring (at least Malabimba's Katell Laennec tried frowing every so often, tho' from the look of her she was thinking about cakes during the sex scenes).

Whatever she's asked to do her expression never changes from one of mild apathy. You should be lusting after her yet all you want to do is give her a blanket to cover her modesty and a hug.

If you're still around Jacqueline please get in touch to say you're OK.

"Pull my nightie down when you're done".

At just over an hour and ten minutes in length Satan's Baby Doll is mercifully short and, if you're a fan of Mariangela Giordano (and frankly who isn't?) must be deemed an essential purchase.

And that, my friends is the scariest thing about it.

people you fancy but shouldn't (part 70).

With the shiny suited rebooted movie out let's all remember the button nosed beauty of Amy Jo Johnson - The original Pink Ranger.

Nuff said.

who knew.

BBC: "Doctor Who gets first openly gay companion in Bill Potts".  

Ahem.....Isabelle "Izzy" Sinclair.

Just saying.

 

bolly good show.

Before I continue tho' can I just point out that my copy of this fine film is (unfortunately) not subtitled but, for the sake of expanding my cinematic horizons (and because the kids are off for the Easter holibags so no mindless gore or violence in this house for a fortnight) I decided to stick with it.
The fact that it features two attractive ladies in a bath together (wearing magnificent swimsuits I must add) had nothing to do with my decision.

Cassidy can take the blame for it.

Look he's 10 and old enough to make decisions on what gets reviewed here.

To be honest he'd probably make a better job of it.

A wee bit of a short one too cos frankly it's Friday night and I really should have something better to do.

Men Not Allowed (2006).
Dir: Shrey Srivastava.
Cast: Payal Rohatgi, Tina Majumdar, Aryan Vaid and Tarun Arora (plus some other folk too).

Poor little rich girl Tanya (the funktastically Big faced Bollywood babe Rohatgi star of India's first film about wife swapping Fun - Can Be Dangerous Sometimes) has grown up in the lap of luxury.

Her father, the multi-millionaire business tycoon (and serial womanizer) Brian Sharma with whom she runs an exclusive advertising agency has always made sure that she wants for nowt, especially after her mothers untimely death.

But not by Mau-Mau.

"Oh Vic.....I've fallen".

Living the high life from an early age she has everything she could ever want, including a hunky fiance named Jeff Shekhar (spongy faced, manbreasted superstar Vaid, looking like Sylvester Stallone's cheese constructed younger brother) and a great line in primary coloured eighties fashions.

She wants for nothing.

Except her fathers love and attention that is.

Sniff.

But Tanya's complacent existence is shattered when she comes home to find sleazy Shekhar in bed with another lady.

"Is it in yet?"

Dumping the nasty rotter, Tanya vows never to marry and throws herself into her advertising work.

During auditions for a particularly day-glo fashion shoot, Tanya meets the erotically eyebrowed, obscenely long legged wannabe model Urmila (Majumdar, star of the fantastic Haseena and regular interloper in my dreams) who, despite her stunning good looks and tasteful line in Ra-Ra skirts hides a dark secret.

A secret that could wreck her dreams of catwalk stardom forever.

"French polishers? you may just be able to save my life!"

You see, even tho' Urmila is a natural at wearing clothes, whenever she's asked to walk down a runway or pose seductively she goes all limp and falls over.

Which is a wee bit of a pain for the photographer really.

Yet incredibly arousing for the viewer.

Tanya, concerned for Urmila's welfare (and obviously fancying a bit of lipstick lesbianism later) probes the model about her past.

Get the tissues ready because her family make Shannon Matthews mob seem positively normal.

You see, it seems that Urmila's deadbeat dad was a sleazy drug dealer who died alone (and stinking of piss) in prison whilst her mum was filthy drug addled whore that died in a mental asylum.

And if this wasn't enough she was sent to live with her pedo uncle who tried to molest her on a daily basis till he got bored and packed Urmila off to an orphanage where he hatred for men festered and grew.

Which is nice.

Your mum and your girlfriend at the bingo last night.

Tanya, being a good egg (and frankly gagging for a bit of hot model chick) decides to help Urmila overcome her fears and emotional problems by lending her a shoulder to cry on.

And a bath to share.

Phew!

What a scorcher!

"Where's the soap?"
"Yes it does, but not as quickly
as when I masturbate with it".

After a fantastically soft focused Sapphic inspired montage of knowing looks, licking of lips and friendly cuddles (which is the equivalent of x rated porn in Bollywoodland) Tanya and Urmila admit to wanting more than just, ahem, 'friendship' as a love that dare not be mentioned grows between them.

Awww, sweet.

If not a little too subtley done for this blog.

Not for sale in the UK? Fuck you Brexit.

Enter (oh go on then) the vile Benny Vikram (Arora, looking like a swarthy boss eyed Corey Feldman), studly celebrity and a top model.

His ambition?

To marry Tanya, cure her of her lesbian tendencies and take over her business.

Bastard.

Who - alongside Tanya's bad dad - he hatches an evil plan to break the girls bond of friendship for ever and maybe even get rich along the way....

Eyes son.

Riding on the coat tails of director Karan Razdan's movie Girlfriend (famous for being the first commercial Hindi film to tackle head on the subject of lesbianism), Shrey Srivastava (director of the toptastic Sanjay Suri actioner Insaaf) joined forces with India's answer to Sharon Stone - Payal Rohtagi - to produce this primary coloured kaleidoscope of high drama, market stall fashion and top tunes that (unsurprisingly) bombed at the box office yet still cemented Payal Rohatgi's reputation as the (never naked but usually very wet) sleaze queen of Bollywood.

Which is fair enough really.

Dirty pillows.

If you're a fan of Bollywood (or just from the Midlands - that's in the UK for our overseas readers) then you'll know what to expect, songs, singing and pound shop slingbacks only this time with added wet lady lesbianism.

Which is nice.

But whilst Men Not Allowed never scales the dizzying heights of such classics as Disco Dancer or even Raja Nawathe's Gumnaam and is (albeit only slightly) more frightening than Bandh Darwaza (but for different reasons) it's still worth a looksie, if only for the sight of that saucy minx Rohatgi in a variety of eyeball searing outfits as she totters about on big heels to Sanjay Srivastav's groovy disco score.

Quite possibly THE best luscious lipped lesbian movie I've seen this week. 

lake flaccid.

Way back in 2010 I actually got asked to write something for a proper blog (I've never been asked since, go figure) about that genius of horror cinema the late great Paul Naschy.

You can read it here if you're interested, it's actually quite good for me.

Anyway it was during this fine piece of cinema scribbling that I mentioned how as a 7 year old The Crater Lake Monster looked like it could quite possibly be THE greatest monster movie ever.

Well scarily 40 years on and finally someone took the hint and sent me a copy.

So, was it worth the wait?

Go on, guess.

The Crater Lake Monster (1977).
Dir: William R. Stromberg.
Cast: Richard Cardella, Glenn Roberts, Mark Siegel, Bob Hyman, Richard Garrison, Kacey Cobb, Michael Hoover, Sonny Shepard, Suzanne Lewis, Marv Eliot, Garry Johnston, Susy Claycomb, Joe Sasway and Jim Goeppinger.

I've been stuffin' my shoes with newspaper for so long, my feet know more about what's goin' on than my head.

In the small town of Crater Lake, Northern California (twinned with West Bromwich), local science guy - the Lego-haired Dr. Richard Calkins (the sniggeringly named Hyman best known as the Desk Sergeant in the hit TeeVee show Insight) is annoyed to find his nightly tearful wank and Pot Noodle rudely interrupted by his over-excited colleague Desperate Dan Turner (Garrison who you might recall from his top turn as a Doctor in A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master).

It appears that he and his girlfriend Susan (Cobb who went on to be a technical advisor on A Bunny's Tale fact fans) have come across (look there's not much else to do around there) some remarkable cave drawings in the local woods (well in a cave in the local woods but I thought that would be obvious) that appear to depict a group of cavemen types fighting a Plesiosaurus, thus proving that dinosaurs existed at the same time as man.

Probably.

Look I went to art school I've fuck all idea how 'the science' works...I mean why would they lie?

Plesiosaurus in mah hand!

Their excitement is short lived however when a hastily scribbled cartoon light - sorry I mean a flaming meteorite - appears from nowhere and crashes into the lake causing the cave system to collapse.

Coughing and spluttering in the darkness after barely escaping with their lives (their dignity however is totally destroyed) the trio are greeted by the porn 'tached local sheriff "Stubbly" Steve Hanson (Cardella who also wrote the screenplay) who offers them a lift back to town.

Several weeks pass before the Sheriff suddenly remembers the meteorite (he must have been busy) so he arranges to meet with the three scientists to go look for it.

Diving down to the bottom of the lake Susan and Dan discover it still smoldering away inbetween the usual shopping trolleys and dead gypsies resulting in the temperature of the water rising to approximately 90 degrees and all the fish dying.

To get a feeling of how fucking inane the whole thing feels so far just imagine a really bad episode of the X-Files genetically spliced with the much missed cult TeeVee show Rentaghost and you'd be halfway there.

Meanwhile in an attempt to add some excitement to the proceedings a local birdwatcher (sound man Scharn) is busy setting up his equipment.

In arse numbing detail.

For 15 minutes.

Luckily a monster suddenly rises out of the lake and eats him.

Well I say rises, it actually just appears to float shamefully against the background but they meant well.

Michael Jackson Vs Gojira.....FIGHT!

Obviously fearing for the viewers health (and sanity) after such a shit-scary scene the director wisely decides now is the time to introduce the movie's comic relief in the form of the bush bearded Arnie (Roberts not Eric) and the baw-headed Mitch (Siegel not George or Steven) a pair of denim clad stoners who've decided to start a boat rental service in order to make a fast buck and meet girls.

No, seriously.

It's not too long before they get their first customer - famed U.S. senator Jack Fuller (Eliot but not the small boy from ET) who, wanting a break from doing political type stuff (and your mum) decides to rent a boat for a quick fishing trip.

Luckily for viewer sanity he is soon killed by the monster. leaving only a blood stained (well paint stained if I'm honest) boat and a crusty old sports sock to show he was ever there.

Arnie and Mitch bring the boat back to shore and quickly call the Sheriff before trying to figure out how they'll explain it to their nan.

Shite in mah bearded hipster fuck mooth ya gentrified bastard!

Obviously the fact that anyone hiring a boat off them ends up getting eaten by a huge beast doesn't seem to bother the pair as in no time at all they're renting another boat (and one with an engine and everything this time) to top light entertainment couple Ross and Paula Conway (Hoover and Lewis - look is it really worth listing them as no-one in this movie went on to do anything of worth - except Lewis but more on him later....I need a reason to keep you reading) who,  on their way to a perform at a children's party have a wee bit of car trouble and need to get to the other side of the lake ASAP.

You can see where this is going can't you?

Yup, whilst puttering across the lake the polyester clad pair are viciously attacked by the monster and in the film's most terrifying and nail biting scene* attempt to outrun the beast as it chases them to shore.

The monster has flippers tho' so continues to pursue them even on land and is only stopped when Ross empties a handy can of petrol into the boat and sets light to it scaring the beast away.

Phew.

With neither of their boats being returned to them within the alloted time and understandably annoyed by the fact that their business seems to be failing,  Arnie and Mitch have a massive fight on the waterfront only to stumble across the severed head of Fuller before things get too exciting.

Luckily the sheriff shows up and takes it away as 'evidence', ordering the pair to stay out of the lake and to stop their frankly homo-erotic wrestling escapades before they scare any children.

Kylie and Jason: The Pikey Years.

The pair hung uncomfortably and agree to pull together for the sake of the business before realizing that Ross and Paula are still out there somewhere.

Which means that they may just be able to charge them overdue boating fees.

Result.

Searching the shoreline - and being careful not to put their feet in the water - they eventually discover the burnt-out and battered remains of the motorboat along with the distraught couple who are sitting shaking on a nearby rock covered in shit and piss.

Which scarily manages to make them the most attractive members of the cast.

Meanwhile in a totally unrelated incident in a nearby town pube-haired bad boy Harris Tweed (Shepard) is busy robbing the local Aldi, shooting Clark the clerk in the face before violently bumming a customer to death.

OK I lied, he actually shoots her too but I just wanted to add some much needed excitement to the movie.

Plus she did have a great arse.

A typical 1970s lady of the type not bummed in this film.

Driving off into the sunset he soon stops at the Crater Lake diner for a donut, coffee and a big poo.

Unfortunately - for him - sheriff Hanson is also there enjoy a bagel and quickly recognizes the vile villain from the description given over the radio.

Tweed sensing trouble legs it into the woods pursued by Hanson and a gunfight ensues.

Being a crack shot (he was in Vietnam probably) the Sheriff shoots Tweed in the bum before dipping behind a tree to reload.

It's during this brief pause in the action that the director remembers that it's meant to be a monster movie so the creature appears and eats Harris whole.

Yeah I'd have thought it'd spit that bit out too.

Jumping out from behind the tree the Sheriff is surprised to see Tweed has vanished, all that remains is a big red jam like smear snaking into the water.

Shrugging his shoulders Hanson heads back to town where he's accosted by  Doctor Calkins (you forgotten about him hadn't you?) who has just completed the autopsy report on Fuller's head.

It appears that the wounds were caused by a giant animal that lives in the lake.

But we kinda knew that.

I wouldn't want one of them swimming up my arse....then again...

Going back to investigate the scene Hanson soon discovers several massive footprints in the dirt (and no doubt in the butter) but as he takes out his tape measure he's surprised by the beast itself bursting forth from the lake.

Hanson isn't so easily spooked tho' and fires his revolver at it before jumping in his car and quickly driving back to the doctor's house where he excitedly tells Calkins and his pals about the incident.

Obviously excited at the idea of having a living dinosaur in the lake, the trio are quite disappointed when the Sheriff informs them that he's going to kill it.

But first they decide to call a town meeting.

There's teasing us with promises of monster mayhem then there's pulling down our undergarments, rubbing us up till we're about to explode with pleasure then fucking off to make a cup of tea.

Can you guess which this film is more  like?

With the sheriff slowly going kill crazy and the townsfolk insistent on keeping the beast alive Calkins suggests that it goes to a vote but just as it looks like the townsfolk will win the local dentist Craig Ferguson (Sasway - like it fucking matters) bursts into the diner having just narrowly avoided a buggery from the beast.

This act of attempted arse banditary is enough to turn the tide against the creature and the townsfolk head out to build a makeshift barricade to protect themselves as the Sheriff commandeers the town bulldozer.

Luckily the town bike was too busy making coffee or things may have turned out a wee bit differently.

"Put it in me!"

 Will bulldozing might beat prehistoric power?

Will Arnie and Mitch ever make any money?

Will anything exciting - or just anything at all - actually happen?

Funded off the back of a pile of cash (just under $100,000 or so I'm told) he received as part of an inheritance - he also got a collection of nodding dogs and a caravan - William R. Stromberg's sole directorial effort is a mighty mish-mash of half-baked ideas, dead eyed performances and misjudged comedy hi-jinks topped off with a scratchy library score saved from obscurity solely thanks to the stunning stop motion work of David W. Allen - aided here by Star Wars alumni Phil Tippett on his days off.

Tho' according to star/co-writer and producer Richard Cardella the blame for the movie's (many) failures can be laid at the feet of the film's distributors Crown International.

In an interview given to my gran back in 1979 he had this to say:

"Crown International was part of the financing and they just screwed up everything!"

Key scenes were - allegedly - either cut or never filmed (including one where the beast ripped the roof off a topless dance club and gobbled up the performers - why are things like this always the first casualties?), the cheap library score was added to save cash and the finished product was given over to a one-eyed alcoholic with hooks for hands to edit.

"The asshole didn't even use a fade or dissolve in the whole fuckin' picture!"
complained Cardella before spiking her drink and slowly undressing her, pawing at her clothes with his big sweaty sausage fingers.

Probably.

It can't all be the fault of some nameless hack editor tho' as I'm sure it wasn't him that decided - in their infinite wisdom - to give over a larger proportion of the films running time to the frankly wank misadventures of comedy tinkers Arnie and Mitch, I mean surely as co-writer Cardella has to take some responsibility for this.

"Are you looking at my bra?"

As a scary aside, Mark Siegel that 'played' Mitch actually went on to have a pretty good motion picture career - as a special FX technician, cutting his teeth  on John Carpenter films (as in he worked on them, he didn't bite chunks out of Escape From New York in a fit of pique) before moving on to Star Trek and Pirates of The Caribbean.



It says a lot for Crater Lake that the director chose to put him in front of the camera then.

See? It must be real...the 'news' papers say so.

Mercifully running at a scant 85 minutes - which unfortunately includes at least 60 odd minutes of arse destroying padding - Crater Lake is one of those movies (alongside The Incredible Melting Man) that signaled the death knell of the drive-in, Star Wars and Close Encounters were just around the corner and the face of low budget cinema was about to change forever with the release of Halloween.


Lo-fi sci-fi shlock was a dying art and if Crater Lake was it's swansong then it was a mercy killing.

Scarily tho' despite being complete and utter shite from start to finish the film went on to make over $3 million at the box office which just goes to show that the American public are in general are quite, quite mad.

And probably goes a long way to explain the popularity of Donald Trump.

But don't worry American cousins, we still love you.































*This is what we Brits call being ironic.