crawl baby.

Apologies readers (all four of you) for the lack of posts this month, but between vomiting podlings, lack of sleep and a glut of zed grade motion pictures to get thru' everything seems to be blurring into a haze of crappy CGI monsters, wobbling boobed non-actresses, horsey teeth and gratuitous gore scenes (and that's just at home).

Anyways, here's a couple of quickies to knock my quota up as John Leslie would (possibly) say when confronting a crack fueled Matthew Wright during Lent.


Insecticidal (2005)
Dir: Jeffery Scott Lando
Cast: Meghan Heffern, Rhonda Dent, Samantha McLeod, Shawn Bachynski, Vicky Huang, Travis Watters, Anna (is this the way to) Amoroso, Natalia Walker.

“Man eating cannibal girls don’t get dates.”

On some unnamed college campus in anytown USA the brilliantly geeky, yet frighteningly fake breasted science square 'Creepy' Cami (Heffern, who you can tell is meant to be unattractive and nerdy because of the big bins) is busying herself performing strange experiments on the large collection of insects that she keeps in her basement.

As part of her class science project she’s attempting to increase the intelligence of her multi-legged mates.

Why did we never do such cool experiments at school?

Cami, being the unpopular science-y one in the sorority house, is constantly bullied by the bouncing boobed bitchy house leader Josi (Dent-daughter of famous DA Harvey) and after accidentally 'losing' one of her genetically altered pets down the back of the sofa which in turn freaks out the bitch queen during a sweat fueled sex session with her mulletted football jock beau Josi decides to kill all the insects in an act of petty revenge.

What a rotter.

Bacon bites.

Cami's distress and upset soon turns to slight surprise tho' (well, she raises her eyebrows and tries to look quizzical) when her bugs return grown to human size, hellbent on eating her flatmates (oh, and spying on them showering obviously)....

Skipping such important plot points as how Cami managed to get/make genetically altered insects or what actually made them grow, the film becomes a fight for survival between the tight topped teens and the scarily impressive killer creepy crawlies.

But first they must indulge in copious amounts of lady on lady kissing in hot tubs, ordering Pizza, drinking and jiggling on the spot whilst screaming.

And that's just the girls.

Johnny Ringo's Onion Rings.

Director Lando (The man behind such classic fares as Savage Island, Alien Incursion and Decoys 2: Alien Seduction as well as the busy Baron/administrator of Bespin's Cloud City) shows himself to be the one true master of the cheap ass straight to DVD big bug (and even bigger breasted) movie genre. From the movies opening scenes you know that you're going to be guaranteed at least one of these two things in badly lit widescreen glory at any time, from showering to hot tub dipping the films ethos appears to be that it doesn't matter how dangerous things get, it's always best to stay clean (or at least glistening in a teeny bikini). But just as you're slipping into a silicone based coma Lando makes sure a giant bug pops up from behind a sofa/bush/breast (oh sorry, didn't realise there were ladies attached to them from the camera angles at use here) to remind you why you're watching.

Pom Bears.

And oh my word what terrifying beasts they have in store for the loyal viewer, it's as if the mutant offspring of a turd and Muno from Yo Gabba Gabba have been hurriedly cloned using a Big Cook Little Cook kiddies cooker. Add to this the almost ghostly way that they appear to 'float' into rooms means that by the time the Play-doh Preying Mantis rears his ugly (yet amusingly toothed) head your brain has been so addled by the movies sheer banality that even this monstrosity seems a blessed relief.

I must give credit where credits due tho' and mention the time and effort the make-up artists put into Insecticidal. Unfortunately it's make-up of the Max Factor variety to make the ladies look prettier and not the actual make-up FX that they've spent the time and cash on.

True there are moments when the screen runs red with blood and various body parts are flung around but these are there just as an excuse to cover the stars cleavages with (Sainsbury's no frills label obviously) strawberry sauce.

As are the scenes where our heroines get 'accidentally' splatted with bug juice (and of these there are many).

Monster munch.

The dialogue (or what isn't just being spoken randomly by the cast) is chock to the brim with characters stating the obvious whilst trying to look either vaguely concerned and/or a wee bit worried. The line “What is that thing?” is repeated at regular intervals about fifty times during the course of the film at the directors insistence as if to keep reminding the (by now suicidal) audiences that the floaty cack like blobs novering across the frame are, in fact dangerous killer insects.

Which is nice of him I guess.

Cheese and onion.

Performance wise Meghan Heffern brings such an, umm....authoritative pair of glasses and furrowed brow to the pivotal role as Cami that the remainder of the cast can just worry about hitting their marks and jumping on the spot occasionally whilst brandishing rolling pins with curling tongs gaffer taped to them.

Prawn crackers.

Still, any movie with the balls to re-inact the Psycho shower scene with a girl and a giant scorpion has to be worth a look in my book.

Salt and shake.

Unfortunately although Insecticidal isn't really shite enough to be that funny (or funny enough to be really shite) it still has enough of a sweet charm (like an old incontinent relative or idiot sibling you keep locked in the cupboard) to really warrant the violent head stamping you may feel like giving it (or them) at some points.

Cheese twirls.

Plus (if you're fourteen) it does have a quite a few scenes of harsh faced wannabe scream queens 'getting it on' (as they say) in a variety of unrealistic manners and settings.

Usually wet and sometimes even with big insects waiting to jump out on them.