I personally think it's the best thing I've ever written - and from the comments I received so did many (well 2) readers - plus the fact that it's transport based makes it all the more topical at the moment*.
So without further ado here it is again for those of you that missed it.
Or just fancy feasting your eyeballs on it again.
Enjoy.
Rover 6 - The Movie (2005)
Dir: Unknown (a Lookinghouse/MTRU Production).
Cast: The people of Westham and Pevensy.
Filmed on location in and around the beautiful countryside (and B roads) of Westham and Pevensy and featuring Dogma-esque performances from local residents, Rover 6 - The Movie is a piece of pure guerrilla film-making gold.
Purporting as it does to showcase the late, lamented Rover 6 community bus scheme this short infomercial manages to uncover the almost Lynchian depths of perversity and secrets hidden behind the net curtains of this small British Parish.
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| A local route for local people. |
From the pearl necklaced grandmother mysteriously wanting to visit the local council offices on a Saturday (whilst trying to convince the transport booker that she's really going to Waitros) to the un-named 'limping fat man' via the almost Crippenesque 'Chairman of Local Transport Group' the unsettling footage of the local residents is intercut with scenes of the sinister dark blue Rover itself smoothly stalking the backroads to a creepy country soundtrack.
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| Your grannies cum face. |
Like a giant metal angel of death the Rover at one point narrowly misses a cycling child before stopping to allow a family to sacrifice a wheelchair bound elderly relative to the maw of the wheeled beast, it's cold, emotionless handler (or 'driver') always hidden in shadow save his dead cold eyes inadvertently turn the unwary passengers to stone.
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| The Pevensy death machine senses another victim. |
The narration, by a faceless old lady in a curt, emotionless style reminiscent of Sheila Keith in House of Whipcord takes on a sickeningly voyeuristic edge when married to footage of innocent school girls enjoying ice cream on the promenade or shots of the unsettlingly plain women reading a timetable as two badly behaved puppies fight inside her blouse.
It's almost as if the unseen narrator has been following their every moment, knowing when their lives will be cruelly cut short and is preparing to relish the moment before devouring their souls.
Forever.
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| Dirty pillows. |
As the twangy guitars build to a crescendo the movie takes an unexpected turn, leaving the multitude of shots from the drivers eye view of the road and unending footage of strange shaped families waiting at makeshift bus stops in deserted country lanes and council estates to showcasing the town centre and beach front even going as far as to show a man serving muffins and a lonely housewife aimlessly wandering around a deserted supermarket.
Special mention is made of the monthly 'farmers market' where specialty meats can be found.
And if that's not an admission of cannibalism I don't know what is.
The voice also informs us that seeing as Rover runs till 11.30 PM on Saturdays that we have no excuse for not visiting the local theatre or for not enjoying a 'slap up' meal with friends. A special mention is made of those that enjoy 'a few drinks' when out, whilst the camera lingers on the oppressive exterior of the health centre.
Special mention is made of the monthly 'farmers market' where specialty meats can be found.
And if that's not an admission of cannibalism I don't know what is.
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| She looks like she enjoys specialty meat inside her. |
The voice also informs us that seeing as Rover runs till 11.30 PM on Saturdays that we have no excuse for not visiting the local theatre or for not enjoying a 'slap up' meal with friends. A special mention is made of those that enjoy 'a few drinks' when out, whilst the camera lingers on the oppressive exterior of the health centre.
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The bearded woman and her friend may look
happy now but just wait till the fucking starts. |
The story has an extremely sad and unexpected climax tho' as in early 2008 East Sussex County Council and the Westham/Pevensey Local Transport Partnership - working closely with the sinister 'Cuckmere Community Bus Group' - decided (for reasons unknown) to replace the Rover with a volunteer run community bus link.
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Lambert: Naked and piss stained.
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The missing persons files on those poor souls who simply vanished after boarding the Rover disappeared and Marjorie Lambert (of the local transport group that created the Rover programme) was found dead six weeks later in a local brothel alongside her Filipino houseboy Ramon.
Both were naked.
The last day of the Rover 6 service was on Saturday 9 February 2008.
The Rover may be no more but it's legacy of sorrow will continue for years to come.
*For anyone who cares you'll have to read my real life blog for that story and frankly it's much scarier than anything you'll read here.
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