song 2.

A very quick review of Vincent D’Onofrio's directorial debut I've got important 'housey' things to do), a film it appears I'm the only person in the world to have enjoyed.

Scary eh?

Don’t Go In The Woods (2011).
Dir: Vincent D’Onofrio.
Cast: Bo Boddie, Gwynn Galitzer, Jorgen Jorgenson, Soomin Lee, Ali Tobia, Cassandra Walker and Matt Sbeglia.

Self satisfied control freak cum lead singer of up and coming rock band Crème Brûlée Nick Storm (a fantastic performance by Sbeglia, looking and acting like a young David Hess) has forced his groovy group to spend the weekend camping in the woods (woods that a sign announces that they shouldn't go in), away from everyone in order to work on their new album in the hope of getting a record deal with Simon Cowell.

Beware the bin men.

Unfortunately his band mates want to have a charty party, bringing along booze and the 'marijuana' as well as their instruments and Nick, as reasonable as ever tips the booze in the river and sticks the hash up his arse before smashing everyone's mobile phones with a handy axe.

Which is nice.

"Bang bang bang the drum of justice! See how fast the bastard burns!"

If that wasn't enough to upset his weekend, just as the 'jam session' (as you young things call it) is picking up speed his ex-girlfriend Ashley (Walker) turns up with a car full of hot young tottie carrying a fine selection of beers, crisps and snacks.

"Shite in mah mooooooooooooooth!"

As the booze flows and the songs grow none of the tuneful teens notice the dark figure stalking them from the trees.

Is it an unhappy fan?

The manager who followed them to the camp-site?

The scary combat clad hunters out looking for deer?

Or is it the enigmatic Mr. Cowell himself? Desperate to put the X in Axe Factor?

All we know is that anyone who can carry a tune ends up carrying their guts home in a bag and the only label they'll sign to is Stiff.

Cowell: Teen murdering psychopath, allegedly.

Coming across like a Sean S Cunningham directed episode of Glee, Don't Go in the Woods is a lovingly crafted musical slasher that oozes with a perfectly captured 70's style thru' every pore; from the almost burnt out colour scheme to the to the folk style soundtrack and lead Matt Sbeglia's aforementioned resemblance to a Last House on The Left era David Hess, even his vocal performance is similar.

Of the other cast members Ali Tobia, last seen in the Zman 'classic' The Killing Machines is great as the hapless Melinda as is Cassandra Walker who's winsome without ever being whiny.

This is indeed a movie made by someone with a genuine love for that era.

Which is why the Saw obsessed, Rob Zombie worshipping wee boys that make up the majority of the horror fest' crowds hate it.

The nearest they've ever been to a video nasty is accidentally finding their parents home made porn.

Watch out watch out there's a bin man about!

Like the movies behatted, schizophrenic killer, Don’t Go In The Woods is at once comfortably familiar and somehow still daringly different.

See it now and I promise you'll never have trouble getting off with a lady ever again.


Probably.