terror train.

Back online (that was painless) and attempting to spew forth as many updates as possible in case you thought I'd died.

Either that or gone to Birmingham.

So enjoy this quickie, I know I did.

Not wanting to give too much away (again) as it's actually a great lil' movie.

Hollywood are obviously listening to me.

Jack The Reaper (2011).

Dir: Kimberly Seilhamer.

Cast: Tony Todd, Sally Kirkland, Douglas Tait, Stacey Carino, Richardson Chery
Hope Jaymes and Christopher Raff.

It's Saturday morning in Anytown, USA where a ragtag bunch of the most PC teens ever assembled(one's deaf, there's a girl whose father abuses her, a badlad jock, wise ass black guy, fat pig-boy, a ginger, an albino skater dude, soon to be a teenage dad hero etc.) are preparing to set out on a field trip to a train museum as  punishment for failing an exam on the history of Sodor.

Or something.

They might look bored now but just you wait till Sir Topham Hat turns up...

Things start off a wee bit strangely when Ms. Molesto is convinced that they're being followed by a huge, pick axe wielding figure who keeps waving at the bus but thigs get even creepier when, on arriving at the museum who should turn up to teach them about trains and stuff but Tony Todd doing his 'death is everywhere' skit from Final Destination.

Oh and a really obese girl.

In plaid.

Gah.

Surprisingly it seems that as well as having to look both ways at level crossing and not play blind man's bluff there's something else you have to do to stay save on the railway lines and that's to look out for one Mr. Jack Reaper, a ball headed, black eyed inbred whose hobbies include showing his nipples to everyone and lopping off the heads of unwary travellers.

A wee bit like the late great broadcaster, professional pedo and corpse fiddler (allegedly) Sir Jimmy Saville famous for (amongst other things) the old 'This is the age of the train' ads.

Just imagine taking Sir Jimmy Saville's foetid load in your mouth, clotted, lumpy and with the same hint of nicotine yellow as his hair. Imagine the involuntary gagging as his shiny tight Adidas shorts release a miasma of trapped fragrances as his pulls them quickly to his knees; liver, cabbage, Scotch eggs and sprouts.

Anyway on their way back to school the bus crashes leaving our creeped out class teacher and driver-less.

As if that wasn't enough to cause a major bout of trouser filling they appear to be stranded right next to a deserted carnival.

With Allie Beano, Tad Soonadad and Morag Molesto staying with the van, the others decide to head toward the big tipper in search of help and candy floss, not realising that their every move is being watched from a distance.

For this is Jack's carnival and although the rides are free, the price to leave may just cost you your life!

Mwah ha haaaaaa!

"Dear Jack, could you fix it for me to shit on a horse?"

First time director Kimberly Seilhamer's lo-fi trash 'em/slash 'em flick is a smartly scripted, incredibly entertaining slasher tale that's minimal budget is offset by the myriad of bright idea's and sickly sweet imagination on show.

The plot, whilst nothing ground breaking is peppered with a number of clever moments and has at least a few nice twists along the way, rattling along at such a pace that you can't help but get dragged along for the fun, which in turn is helped by the fantastically believable (and more importantly likeable) cast, great looking set design and a genuinely creepy villain in Jack, played to perfection by jobbing actor Douglas Tait.

Forget the legality of it, you and her will probably be dead soon anyway.

With everyone and their dog jumping on the slasher revival wagon, it's great to see at least a couple of directors (Seilhamer and Donner Pass' Elise Robertson) have brought a wee bit of love and attention with them to this much maligned genre.

But perhaps a woman's sensibilities was all it needed to flourish.


Both beautiful and spooky with a just a hint of Joe Lansdale goodness in it's protagonist, Jack The Reaper deserves to make it's mark on today's horror market.

Or more preferably on to the back of Justin Russell's head.

I mean if that can do this on a budget of £3.80 imagine what they'd achieve with a full tenner.

Recommended.