charlie says.

Bizarrely for it being October and all I've had precious time to actually watch any (horror) movies recently.

Most of my time has been taken up helping the podlings with a school project about farms.

Oh yeah, and adding folk I know to a comic strip just so I can kill them horribly.

Luckily I came across this gem in a cupboard which meant we could watch it as a family.

Hopefully their teachers will be impressed by the effort I've put into their school work.

Which is a damn sight more effort than the script writer put into this.

Excuse the shortness of the review but why should I bother if he didn't?


Charlie's Farm (2014).
Dir: Chris Sun.
Cast: Tara Reid, Nathan Jones (he's been gone too long), Allira Jaques, Bill Moseley, Trudi Ross, Kane Hodder, Dean Kirkright and Sam Coward.

Welcome to sunny Australia, home of piss-weak lager, corked hats, Kylie Minogue and a veritable collection of bearded bad men with a penchant for nubile, young flesh.

And I don't mean Rolf Harris.

Oh go on then I do.

Anyways let's set the scene by heading back to the 80's where mentalist muck-raker John Wilson (genre god Moseley) alongside his wacko wife Merideth (Ross) and baw-headed son Charlie have been annoying the locals by murdering and raping their way thru' a variety of hikers, tourists and hired help before scoffing the best bits and hiding the remains in the cupboard.

Not too surprisingly the local townsfolk are a wee bit upset by this and march on the farm demanding an end to family’s anti-social behaviour.

Obviously this doesn't wash and the whole situation descends into a bloodbath with little Charlie the only survivor thanks to his mum painting his head yellow and disguising him as a basketball.

Jump forward to 'the modern day' where stubbly beefcake Jason (Kirkright from Neighbours) reckons that a weekend camping at the so-called 'Charlie's Farm' is just the thing to get his girlfriend's pal Melanie (Jaques) together with his massive cocked mate Mick (Australia's very own Nick Frost, Coward).

Who says romance is dead?

So the bushwhacking buddies - with Jason's American girlfriend Natasha (Reid) in tow -  head off into the great unknown for a few days of booze, barbies and beheadings.

Beard of Evil.

Stopping off at a bar along the way to ask for directions the friends (but not the audience) are surprised by the locals fairly angry reaction to their enquiries but does this stop our boozy buddies quest?

Luckily for us no cos it'd be a short movie otherwise.

Which in hindsight would probably be a good thing seeing as after being spoiled by Moseley's brilliantly bonkers cameo we have to wait over an hour for anything of note to actually happen.

People climbing over gates?

Check.

Flirty banter?

Check.

Two random characters introduced to up the body count?

Check.

Any killings whatsoever?

No, sorry......maybe later.

"I love you.....could it be magic?"

It may be old age but is it too much to ask for a slasher film to deliver some slashings?

And no a fat man having a piss doesn't count.

Luckily then just as you're about to throw in the towel (and tissues due to Tara Reid staying fully clothed - what can I say? I love Josie And The Pussycats so sue me) the titular Charlie finally appears and proceeds to kill everyone to death.

And that's about it really.

Hmmm.....

"Are you looking at my bra?"

Writer/director Chris Sun's 3rd feature is as frustrating as it is - fairly - enjoyable appearing as it does to be a backwoods bad man blockbuster aimed squarely at people who have never seen a horror movie before.

Which then begs the question why cast Bill Moseley and Kane Hodder?

I mean the type of folk who're gonna flock to see this on the back of these two actors (not literally mind) are really going to be disappointed by the total lack of anything remotely original on show.

If they haven't lost the will to live during the first hour that is.

Tho' to be fair things do brighten up around the hour and a quarter point when for some bizarre reason best known to Sun, Hodder and Charlie have a no holds barred boxing match.

Think They Live! but with slightly less logic.

And a shit-load less lighting.

Seriously I thought I'd gone blind.

Or at the very least accidentally rubbed soup in my eyes.

Again.

Tunnel or funnel?

Credit where credits due tho' because the kills are nicely staged and in a change for a modern maniac-based movie, Sun isn't afraid to deliver some impressively gory money shots whilst certified brick-shithouse Nathan Jones is a very real and totally menacing screen presence as Charlie plus the supporting cast (especially Sam Coward and Allira Jaques) are spot on.

After the hype and build up - plus what seems to be a resurgence in Aussie horror - tho' it all adds up to a wasted opportunity.

It's not that Charlie's Farm is a bad film, it's just that it's a painfully pedestrian one.