bolly would.

Before I continue tho' can I just point out that my copy of this fine film is (unfortunately) not subtitled but, for the sake of expanding my cinematic horizons (and because the kids are off for a long weekend and they pick films based on how colourful the covers are) I decided to stick with it.

The fact that it features two attractive ladies in a bath together (wearing smashing swimsuits I must add) had nothing to do with my decision.

Cassidy can take the blame for it.

Look he's 16 now and old enough to make decisions on what gets reviewed here.

To be honest he'd probably make a better job of it.

A wee bit of a short one too cos frankly it's Friday night and I really should have something better to do. 

Well I've got the first two episodes of Obi-Wan Kenobi to watch.

Yes I love Star Wars, so sue me.

Men Not Allowed (2006).
Dir: Shrey Srivastava.
Cast: Payal Rohatgi, Tina Majumdar, Aryan Vaid and Tarun Arora (plus some other folk too).

Poor little rich girl Tanya (the funktastically Big faced Bollywood babe Rohatgi star of India's first film about wife swapping, Fun - Can Be Dangerous Sometimes but most famous for threatening to kill the head of her fan club via social media) has grown up in the lap of luxury.

Her father, the multi-millionaire business tycoon (and serial womanizer) Brian Sharma with whom she runs an exclusive advertising agency has always made sure that she wants for nowt, especially after her mothers untimely death.

But then again is any death timely if it's your own?

"Oh Vic....I've fallen."

Living the high life from an early age she has everything she could ever want, including a hunky fiance named Jeff Shekhar (spongy faced, manbreasted superstar Vaid, looking like Sylvester Stallone's cheese constructed younger brother) and a great line in primary coloured eighties fashions.

She wants for nothing.

Except her fathers love that is.

Tho' if I'm honest I'd settle for the money.

But Tanya's complacent existence is shattered when she comes home to find sleazy Shekhar in bed with another lady.

What a rotter. 

Dumping him (but not on him obviously), Tanya vows never to marry and throws herself into her advertising work.

During auditions for a particularly day-glo fashion shoot, Tanya meets the erotically eyebrowed, obscenely long legged wannabe model Urmila (Majumdar, star of the fantastic Haseena and regular interloper in my dreams) who, despite her stunning good looks and tasteful line in Ra-Ra skirts hides a dark secret.

A secret that could wreck her dreams of catwalk stardom forever.

"I can see your house from here Peter!"

You see, even tho' Urmila is a natural at wearing clothes, whenever she's asked to walk down a runway or pose seductively she goes all limp and falls over.

Which is a wee bit of a pain for the photographer really.

Yet incredibly arousing for the viewer.

Tanya, concerned for Urmila's welfare probes the model about her past.

Get the tissues ready because her family make our Royals seem positively normal.

Except Prince Andrew obviously.

I mean he's just a fucking nonce.

 

Which must be bad if you think about the amount of perverts featured on this blog.

 

But I digress.

 

You see, it seems that Urmila's deadbeat dad was a sleazy drug dealer who died alone (and stinking of piss) in prison whilst her mum was filthy drug addled mentalist that died in a mentalist asylum.

And if this wasn't enough she was sent to live with her pedo uncle who tried to molest her on a daily basis till he got bored and packed Urmila off to an orphanage where he hatred for men festered and grew.

Which is nice.

 

Tho' it doesn't really explain why she can't walk in a straight line whilst wearing shoes.

 

Your mum and your girlfriend at the bingo last night.

 

 

 
Tanya, being a good egg (and frankly gagging for a bit of hot model chick) decides to help Urmila overcome her fears and emotional problems by lending her a shoulder to cry on.

And a bath to share.

Phew!

What a scorcher!

Izzy whizzy let's get frizzy.

After a fantastically soft focused saucily Sapphic inspired montage of knowing looks, licking of lips and friendly cuddles (which is the equivalent of x rated porn in Bollywoodland) Tanya and Urmila admit to wanting more than just, ahem, 'friendship' as a love that dare not be mentioned grows between them.

Awww, sweet.

If not a little too subtly done for readers of this blog.

Not for sale in the UK? Fuck you Brexit.

Enter (oh go on then) the vile Benny Vikram (Arora, looking like a swarthy boss eyed Corey Feldman), studly celebrity and a top model.

Who - alongside Tanya's bad dad - he hatches an evil plan to break the girls bond of friendship for ever and maybe even get rich along the way.

 

And what does this plan entail?

To marry Tanya, cure her of her lesbian tendencies and take over her business.

Bastard.

Arora: He's got something to put in you.

Riding on the coat tails of director Karan Razdan's movie Girlfriend (famous for being the first commercial Hindi film to tackle head on the subject of lesbianism), Shrey Srivastava (director of the toptastic Sanjay Suri actioner Insaaf) joined forces with India's answer to Sharon Stone - Payal Rohtagi - to produce this primary coloured kaleidoscope of high drama, market stall fashion and top tunes that (unsurprisingly) bombed at the box office yet still cemented Payal Rohatgi's reputation as the (never naked but usually very wet) sleaze queen of Bollywood and opened the door for such saucy fayre as Phir Tauba Tauba and her career defining role in Laila – A Mystery.

Which is fair enough really.

Laila being mysterious yesterday.

If you're a fan of Bollywood (or just from the Midlands - that's in the UK for our overseas readers) then you'll know what to expect, songs, singing and pound shop slingbacks only this time with added wet lady lesbianism.

Which is nice.

But whilst Men Not Allowed never scales the dizzying heights of such classics as Disco Dancer or even Raja Nawathe's Gumnaam and is (albeit only slightly) more frightening than Bandh Darwaza (but for different reasons) it's still worth a looksie, if only for the sight of that saucy minx Rohatgi in a variety of eyeball searing outfits as she totters about on big heels to Sanjay Srivastav's groovy disco score.

Quite possibly THE best luscious lipped lesbian movie I've seen this week.