shitty titty bang ban.

Re-reviewing this classic partly because I'm bored but mainly because the original review was blocked by Blogger due to someone saying it contained real violence.

Which is nice.

To be honest it's partly the reason the Arena has been a wee bit quiet of late as it seems to be getting targeted by dozens of reports/complaints/inappropriate content warnings.

No idea who I've fucked off but heyho at least it makes them happy.

Simon....Bates.

Anyway as some of you might be aware, around this time of year I usually visit the Fatherland to catch up with the infamous Lord Jay, he of the Mad Foxes/masturbation story and proud owner of genuine quads for Razorback and A Nightmare On Elm Street (yes we are both THAT old, we even saw Evil Dead 2 and Day of the Dead at the cinema on the first day of release).

Unfortunately I've not been able to do that this year due to work stuff, illness and the crushing mundanes of modern life tho' it did get me wondering if I could ever find a modern(ish) equivalent of the Foxes that I could secretly pop into the post to him so that he could relive those heady days of untamed gore and unacceptable levels of sexual violence, but this time without the fears of parents walking in mid shandy.

My friends, I may have found it.

In our local Chinese restaurant of all places, whilst ordering our wedding anniversary meal, in a pile of VCD's on the counter.

Right next to the signed piccie of Jordan Chan.

On the downside it didn't have any subtitles so excuse any inconsistencies (or stuff just made up for 'comedy' effect) herein.

Leng xue ren lang (AKA Laang huet yan long, Cold Blooded Ape, The Bloody Beast, Horrible Mr. Tits, 1994).

Dir: Tak-Sing Tam and Chuen Yueng.
Cast: Lawrence Ng, Ka-Kui Ho, Siu-Ming Lau, and many others who should know better but not, surprisingly Anthony Wong who must have been busy or, God forbid, too expensive for this film.

Sickest thing about this is the logo colour scheme.

Bowl haired sad sack Chen Siu-Hsiong (Ng, the far eastern yet surprisingly less angular equivalent of Steve Carrell but with better hair) has had a pretty bad time of it in life.

You see after his dear mum die giving birth to his sister Ling, he's spent his entire life running around after both her and his sweaty piss stained father giving him no time to do normal stuff like look for a job, make friends, change his vest etc. leading to him becoming the laughing stock of the town and the perfect target for the bullying local children.

Even his dear old dad thinks he's an arse.

I know the feeling.

But if that wasn't enough to get him labeled 'Freaky Chen' by the local populace then the fact that a humiliating boyhood experience involving his auntie and breastfeeding has left him with a fetish for young, ample breasted mums just might.

Hmmm....this is beginning to sound quite autobiographical.

Probably.

Insert amusing caption here.

With that infodump out of the way it's time to start the movie good n' proper and with poor Chen banged up in prison and attempting to commit suicide by swallowing the contents of a dozen boxes of Persil washed down with his own urine.

Being the unlucky sod that he is tho', this - and further attempts on his life utilizing stuff like shoelaces, mousetraps, moldy bread etc - all lead to nowt, so pausing only to bite off a policeman's ear, Chen decides to sit nicely and share why he's been locked up for in the first place.

Pardon?

Cue the good old fashioned wibbly wobbly flashback effect which takes us via the power of the basic dissolve to Chen's bedroom where our misunderstood hero likes nothing better than to relax by masturbating over seventies breasted porn magazines whilst burning thru' the pictures of ladies front bums with a ciggie.

Which is unusual (if not a wee bit dangerous) to say the least.

I know what you're thinking, he just needs to lay off the constant wankfest, get out more and meet a real girl, that'd sort him out.

Well don't worry, because he already has.

Unfortunately, the girl of his (very wet n' wild) dreams is his sister.

So when he's not spunking like a beast and mutilating magazines, he's hiding in the cupboard spying on his sister bathing or when she's 'having the sex' with her hunky beau.

Whilst tearfully masturbating obviously.

Followed of course by a Pot Noodle.

Thinking about it in today's climate he'd probably be applauded for it and given his own TeeVee show whilst she'd be hounded as a bigot.

But I would never say that.

Jackie Chan, up the casino, 1983....YESCH.

After much deliberation (and a wee bit more wanking) or hero decides that all this younger sister/masturbation/dreams of genital mutilation stuff he's obsessed with is possibly a wee bit unhealthy (you think so?) so reckons that a couple of long, lazy country walks will clear his head and take his mind of things.

Amazingly this seems to do the trick, until that is, one afternoon whilst sitting minding his own business Chen spots a woman breastfeeding her baby in an idyllic forest clearing.

Thinking it'd be a waste of an erection not to do anything about it he has a wee shufty around to make sure the coast is clear before pleasuring himself in the afternoon sun.

It's getting quite romantic now isn't it?

Some soapy girls in spa tub yesterday.

Forgetting all about his sister (who is, if I'm honest fairly whiny, even if she does look not bad all soaped up) Chen starts to spend more and more time on his walks hoping for a quick flash of mummy pillow action.

Unfortunately it's not long before he's wanting to take an, ahem, more (much more) active role in the baby feeding process and to this end, armed only with his favourite DIY hammer, Chen sets off on a quest for breast.

You can so see where this is going can't you?

A very different type of 'cracking one off'.

Searching high and low for the perfect perky breasts Chen soon comes across (not in that way, well not yet) a chubby, pigtailed young mum minding her own business on a bench.

Unfortunately there's a babies massive head blocking his view.

Not to worry tho' because with a swift swing of his hammer and a great left foot the screaming bundle of joy is soon dispatched over a hedge leaving Chen free to gorge himself on mothers milk before murdering his victim.

And then having a quick diddle with the corpse.

Obviously.

Well it is a CAT III film so what do you expect?

"Are you the EU? We've had a referendum by mistake!"

Cashing in on the success of Lewis Herman Yau‘s classics of exploitation, Bunman and Yi boh laai beng duk (AKA Ebola Syndrome - both starring mentalist for hire Anthony Wong - Tak-Sing Tam and Chuen Yueng's epic exercise in bad taste is the kind of movie that any self respecting 14 year old living in 80's Britain would kill to own.

Tho' teenagers today would probably kill each other for a bag of sweets - I blame violent video games myself.

So I had the choice of a graphic image depicting
violence against women and children or a
picture of a woman taunting an angry dog....no contest really.

But it's not all boobs and bloodshed tho' because Leng xue ren lang is also chock full of quality 'comedy' turns - mainly from the clichéd fat and thin police duo you always get in HK thrillers - and it's the film's detective duo that steal every scene they're in with their one note performances and habit of dispensing either comedy one liners whilst administering severe beatings to various suspects and occasionally falling over in an amusing manner.

Best of all is a scene when, after recovering a sample of Chen's sperm from one of his victims arses - in glorious close-up obviously - they decide that the best way to get a DNA match is to make a cell of sweaty suspects masturbate furiously over copies of the Chinese equivalent of Hello Magazine.

Which kinda gives it the edge of Lewis doesn't it?

Hat.

The perfect romantic movie for those who enjoy a quiet night of nasty necrophilia, unsettling infanticide or support the Green Party.