where's captive kurt?

Between jobs at the moment so spending most of my days wandering around the house nude whilst re-organising my shelves.

Which is where I came across this beauty.

Allegedly it's the most terrifying documentary ever made.

Even the thought of reviewing it is scaring the shit out of me.

Luckily Cass-man is having a boys day with me (the laydees are out watching Rampage) so we can be manly men together and hug up if it gets too scary.

Tho' he'll probably be unfazed I mean he is nearly 12.

Alien Abduction: Incident in Lake County (1998).
Dir: Dean Alioto.
Cast: Benz Antoine, Kristian Ayre, Gillian Barber, Michael Buie, Emmanuelle Chriqui, Marya Delver, Katlyn Ducharme, Ingrid Kavelaars, Aaron Pearl and Bart Anderson.

 "I AM NOT STONED!"

It's Thanksgiving night and the plaid clad McPherson clan have gathered (as always) at booze sodden Mum McPherson's (Barber, the factory receptionist from Cats And Dogs!) house for the traditional turkey dinner, raised emotions and sarky comments.

Since the death of Dad McPherson, Eldest son Kurt (professional background artiste Pearl) has done his best to hold the family together with a unique mix of shouting, sweating and standing with his hands on his hips and his legs spread wide in a pose usually reserved for bastard Tories whilst his manly shouldered wife Linda (Kavelaars, younger sister of former Ms. Canada wannabe Annette) and their Polly Pocket styled six year old daughter Rosie (Ducharme) gaze at him from afar.

Less an unearthly child more an ungodly one.

But today tensions are higher than normal, thanks in part to Lego haired, eldest daughter Melanie (Sons of Anarchy's Delver) bringing a leather clad black man named Matthew (Antoine from 19-2: The Series...yup me neither) as her dinner date.

Middle son Brian (Buie from, um stuff), doing his best to keep out of the way has taken to shagging his Rosie Perez-lite girlfriend Renee (Chriqui, the voice of Cheetara from Thundercats) in the bathroom whilst youngest son Tommy (Ayre, look him up at IMDB if you're really that bothered) wanders around aimlessly shooting stuff with his video camera.

Badly.

Who needs Blu-Ray?

Cue what seems like days of mum sneaking swigs of booze and commenting on the turkey whilst Tommy annoys everyone with his camera and Kurt sits and seethes like a harsh faced powder keg of pent up sexual frustration aimed, it seems at Matthew.

Luckily for us as soon as the family sits down to eat, there's a flash of blue light and the fuses blow.

But not as much as this family obviously.

Manly Kurt and baw-faced Brian head out to check the fuse box in the garage, with Tommy and his camera in tow only to find the entire box melted beyond repair and smelling like a wet dog.

Which is exactly like your mum.

Kurt has little time to get angry tho' as suddenly a nearby telegraph pole explodes in the distance with all the ferocity of a damp Catherine Wheel on Bonfire Night.

Running to the scene of the sparks our all American boys are slightly disturbed to find a group of paper-mache headed aliens dissecting a cow with a laser pointer.

Scary.

"We're off to Button Moon!"

Tommy tries to not only keep calm but also keep the camera in focus as his brothers spout clichéd stuff like "Holy cow! it's a gen-you-ine Martian!" and the like whilst trying not to shite themselves but all this macho bravado vanishes when the threesome run away screaming after an alien has waved at them.

Returning to the house to find the phones dead, the women folk huddled together (possibly covering in fear from the sex-offender-like charm of Matthew) and mum on her fourth bottle of gin, Kurt explains that there are aliens outside and that they should leave right now but mum has cooked a nice turkey dinner and is adamant that everyone should stay and eat it first.

Everyone bar Kurt agrees.

Feeling his macho prowess threatened Kurt regains control of the situation by heading to the den and grabbing loads of guns while Brian tries to convince everyone that he's not stoned or drunk.

Unlike mum who's off her fucking saggy tits by this point.

Tommy continues filming (obviously) as the womenfolk look on disapprovingly.

Is your hair the only thing you let down?

Suddenly the house explodes under an ultra high-pitched sonic bombardment as the place is over-run by large blue CGI hedgehogs.

Oh sorry I meant a sound attack (as in noise not Scousers) giving the cast ample opportunity to do some quality ear acting, except for Rosie, who seems strangely unaffected by the whole ordeal.

Either that or she's a really shite actress as well as looking like a troll.

The spooky screeching finally subsides long enough for the family to hear what sounds like a group of hyper-active kids jumping about on the roof, giving Kurt an excuse to tape a torch to the barrel of his gun and head outside to fetch his car.

Oh and shoot some shit.

He orders everyone to grab their coats and await his signal to leave, which gives mum ample opportunity to complain that the foods going cold whilst topping up her glass.

Tommy follows Kurt outside to find nothing but the acrid stench of warm piss and stale semen.

It seems that poor Tommy wet himself himself when he first saw the aliens.

But not when he first read the script obviously.

Kurt assures his lil bro' that everybody gets scared at some point.

Except Kurt who is in a constant state of sexual arousal by the look of things, I mean when he reaches the car and pops the bonnet (as our American cousins say) only to find the engine a steaming gooey mess I swear you can see a tiny spurt of love yoghurt erupt from his 501's.

Or it might have been the tracking.

Disappointed they head back to the house to find everyone gathered in the living room shaking, except mum who's busying herself opening another bottle of wine whilst still babbling on about the turkey.

Things are not looking good.

Watch out watch out John Leslie's about.

Suddenly Kurt hears the pitter patter of tiny feet on the roof of the house and, in a desperate attempt to shoot something (anything) heads back outside to fire his load into the air.

Tommy following him outside like some errant love puppy trains his camera up onto the roof and catches a fleeting glimpse of a pale skinned, jump-suited dwarf clambering into an upstairs window.

Yikes.

This is all Kurt needs and our hero excitedly climbs the stairs to check out the bedrooms for any sign of alien interference whilst Tommy quickly changes his underwear.

Unknowingly in the presence of an alien.

"If I lie on this hand long enough it feels like my mums!"

 

Screaming in terror as a bony digit begins to enter his anus, Kurt bursts in just in time to trap the interplanetary pervert in a cupboard before shooting it in the face.

The family regroups in the dining room much to mums joy but rather than start eating, everyone comes down with a massive dose of sinister nosebleeds which leads to a violent affray over who gets the most toilet roll to shove up their nostrils.

All this snot-based excitement is enough to keep the family occupied until poor Renee is zapped by a red light before falling (unconvincingly) into a coma.

Renee: blood encrusted nostril not shown.

Relieved that it's not his bitch that's been blasted, Kurt persuades blubbering Brian to make a run for the highway in order to get help or pizza, leaving Tommy in charge of the women and Renee under a blanket.

The two brothers leave never to be seen again.

After a bit of scary static and according to the camcorder's clock, an hour has passed since the boys left but to the remaining family (and Matthew) it seems that only a few minutes have elapsed.

Mum is devastated when the full horror of the situation dawns on her and she realises that she's lost valuable drinking time whilst Linda and Matthew have have become so confused by events that they start kissing each other.

With tongues and everything.

Melanie is not amused but once Matthew explains (whilst wiping his throbbing black member on Linda's blouse) that the aliens made him do it she calms down immediately, even offering to help dry the sofa cushions.

Note to readers, if your wife/husband/partner ever catch you in this situation I'd like to point out that this excuse doesn't always work.

"The bin men made me do it mum!"

Suddenly (it's always suddenly in this house, have you noticed?) gunshots ring out in the distance, Melanie (now tooled up like a council estate Buffy the Vampire Slayer) and a fresh smelling Tommy quickly head outside but find absolutely sod all whilst back in the house the power begins to fluctuate (again), the noise of someone dragging their nails down a blackboard fills the air and every household appliance goes crazy causing everyone to run about screaming only to stop when Renee, by this point lying in a heap with loads of white sticky stuff running out her mouth (Matthew was that you?) dies.

And on that bombshell the house plunges back into darkness.

Without warning the house begins to get hotter and hotter even mum is feeling the heat as she slowly unbuttons her silky smooth shirt, the beads of sweat collecting on her tanned breasts.

But before we get to see anything exciting everyone begins to complain about a nasty burning sensation on the back of their necks.

Except Matthew obviously who's more concerned with the itchy, burning sensation down the front of his pants.

Tommy tugs on Linda's collar revealing a triangular burn mark, checking the family it appears that everyone else has one too.

All that is except little Rosie, who has spent the entire ordeal so far telling everyone to calm down whilst sneakily emptying all the shotguns and is now assuring all the adults that everything is OK and it will all be over soon.

God how I hope she's right.

Matthew, understandably freaked by all this white folk nonsense volunteers to head out to look for the brothers.

You remember, the actual brothers, not 'brother' brothers.

"Look at the dog! Look at the dog!"

Within seconds there are more gunshots outside, Tommy stumbles out to find the remains of two shotguns; one with a bent barrel and the other sliced in two.

Matthew, Kurt and Brian are nowhere to be seen.

Searching, shouting and waving his camera about like Michael J Fox in a disco, Melanie notices more weird lights in the woods and two bulbous bonced figures approaching the house.

Rushing back inside, Linda, Melanie and Tommy quickly barricade the door whilst mum helps herself to more booze and Rosie plays the piano.

Just like a normal Sunday here then.

Making the excuse that he needs a wee, Tommy heads to the downstairs toilet for a quick cry to camera before rejoining the others who, by this time tired of mum's constant talking of the bollocks have all sat down for dinner.

"Would you like some dark meat?" Mum asks Melanie in a totally non ironic way.

Begrudgingly admitting that mum's spread is actually well tasty, no-one notices when Rosie sneaks away from the table only to return minutes later with a small band of alien visitors.

The surviving family members stand as if in a trance.

The alien closes in.

The tape ends.

Madeline: The Revenge.

So, Alien Abduction: Incident in Lake County, frightening fake or complete and utter bullshit?

Well it's a hard one to call but if you ignore the cast list in the closing credits (especially those of Shari Khademi and Myles Wolf as Alien #1 and Alien #2 respectively), oh and the fact that the entire family are credited as actors, it's understandable as to why this has been reported as the greatest - and most horrifying - evidence of interstellar invasion ever.

From the terrifying non performances of the cast, thru to the nasty nylon fashions and blatant disregard for the rules of tension building, I've not been this frightened, annoyed - or aroused - by a movie since that other true life abduction classic Megan is Missing.

Megan prepares herself for some alien anal action.

Where this movie oh so slightly pips MiM in the reality stakes is in it's use of talking heads interviews.

By that I mean from paranormal/UFOlogy experts not the pop group.

Yup whenever the film looks like it might be building to a scary or tension filled scene, the screen cuts to black and some homeless guy, the directors dad or whoever was available appears to wax lyrical for five minutes on how the footage is definitely real or in the case of some skinhead bloke with a mockney accent how it mirrors his abduction completely.

Tho' it does lose points by not showing Melanie pinned down and roughly arse-raped by the aliens in glorious close-up for ten minutes.

Megan director Michael Goi gets to keep that award unlike Alien Abduction helmer Alioto, who had to contend with various religious groups accusing him of blasphemy after broadcast.

And who says Americans don't have a sense of humour?

An important and shocking film that needs to be seen.

Then when you've finished pissing yourself with laughter and eventually come to terms with what you've witnessed passed onto your nearest and dearest like some yeast based infection.

It's what Kurt and co. would have wanted.