orinoco flow.

It's confession time.

I've had a hideous (and very girly) crush on this movies star since I was a wee Goth boy at art school and I skived off one day so I could go see her play a live set at The Mander Centre in sunny Wolverhampton.

She even touched my hand across the crowds as she sang 'I Think we're Alone Now'.

Forgive me please.

I (still) love her.

And one day she will be mine....

But why am I confessing to all this now?

Well just discovered this morning that The Tiffster (as she's known around here) is releasing her first album on vinyl for 24 years and that if you pre-order it you get it signed!

 So to celebrate I reckoned it'd be a good idea to look back at the pop princesses greatest film role.

 Enjoy.

Mega Piranha (AKA Megapiranha. 2010).
Dir: Eric Forsberg.
Cast: The lovely Tiffany, Paul Logan, Barry Williams, David Labiosa, Jude Gerard Prest, Jesse Daly, Alessandro Tierno and Eric Forsberg.

"Try shooting its tail fin!"

Somewhere on the Orinoco River in Venezuela (the part that looks like a muddy bit of a secluded play park), tubby playboy Enrico Soontodie and his lovely (I say lovely but I mean harsh) girlfriend are romping thru' the trees in a loved up - and pissed up - manner only ever seen in horror movies.

Deciding to go for a paddle in the local duckpond (always a bad move) it's only a matter of time before both are devoured by something lurking beneath the water, leaving only a rubber hand floating down the stream and a pair of skidmarked pants hanging from a tree.

Meanwhile down river, fat bastard VIP Arnold Regis (director Forsberg  channeling an expensive cake shop) and friends are enjoying some cheap booze and even cheaper whores when their boat is attacked from below by an unseen force, tipping everyone into the water and into the waiting jaws of death.

Gah.

Fast cut to 'proper' America where professional buff-stud and part-time secret agent Jason Fitch (Days of Our Lives' Logan) is woken from his testosterone fueled slumber by a video-call from his pube headed boss Paul O' Grady (himself), ordering our muscled muffin to investigate Regis' death in order to prevent an international incident of some kind.

As you do.

"I wouldn't want one of them swimming up my arse!"

Arriving in the South America Fitch is accosted by the ultra-sexy scientist Sarah Monroe (Tiffany, swoon) who rants at him about big fish (tho' why anyone would want to talk about that Tim Burton misfire is beyond me) before being taken up the local army base (cheeky) by his arch nemesis and sleazy foreigner Colonel Antonio Diaz (Labiosa from 24 and some other teevee fodder).

Seems that Diaz reckons that the bin men blew up the boat and resents the fact that a big sexy American (with his talk of fish, freedom and French fries) has been sent to muscle in on his case.

Tho' from the looks they keep giving each other I'm sure he wouldn't mind him muscling in somewhere else.

Locked in his room with only a teevee, a spicy Pot Noodle and some tissues for company, Fitch soon gets bored and sneaks out to meet up with the mysterious (and did I say incredibly sexy?) Sarah at her secret laboratory location.

Over tea and biscuits it transpires that Sarah and her science buddies have genetically engineered a Piranha that can grow to the size of a house.

Oh and it can also fly.

And they've done this 'accidentally'.

How and why you would do this is never explained but suffice to say that the crafty buggers are now getting so big and hungry that they're attempting to break out from the dam that keeps them in check further up the river.

And now they have a taste for fat American it seems that nothing will stop them.

Isn't that always the way?

Five fingers, never touched the sides.

Sarah has the great idea of walling the fish in then draining the water so as to suffocated them but as she's about to ring Bob the Builder to order the cement Diaz appears from behind a desk.

It seems that he's overheard everything and has formulated his own plan, a plan that involves firing some market stall fireworks at the river from a selection of badly CGI-ed helicopters.

Nope, can't see how that can fail.

"Can we fix it?" "No it's fucked".

Surprisingly tho' all this firepower only succeeds in freeing the fish from the river and allowing them to swim downstream towards the Venezuelan border and freedom.

Hmmmm....I never saw that coming.

Dirty pillows.

Pissed off at being made a fool of by some cartoon fish (tho' he's making a good enough job of it himself with that accent) Diaz orders his men to arrest Sarah and her gang and escort Fitch to the airport but this cunning plan goes to pot when giant piranhas begin hurtling out of the water and spontaneously exploding when they come into contact with buildings.

I'm sure some other stuff has been happening in the meantime but Tiffany wasn't on screen so frankly I wasn't interested.

Making the best of a bad effect, Fitch uses the mild concern of everyone around to his advantage, rescuing Sarah and some skinny bloke (her fat pal got eaten...what are the chances?) before driving away in his immaculate (and very user friendly) Hyundai Elantra.

Bizarrely the same car owned by director Forsberg.

Deciding it'd probably be for the best just to leave town as quickly and as fuss free as possible, Fitch contacts his boss to give him the news regarding the fish and to ask if he can borrow a few nuclear warheads and an aircraft carrier.

Being a nice man his boss says yes.

But only if he comes for tea at the mysterious International Super Bunker (in reality some stock footage of an oil rig) first.

Fitch tuts before figuring out where he can steal a helicopter from whilst sultry Sarah just sits in the passenger seat looking gorgeous as her firm breasts gently jiggle as they drive across the rough ground.

Someone should tell him that fish don't have hands...
tho' they do have fingers.

There's not much time for relaxing in the presence of Tiffany's glorious mummy pillows tho' as an even more annoyed than usual Diaz is in hot pursuit of our heroes, intent of giving Fitch a doing.

When they finally catch up with each other much bitch slapping ensues before Fitch manages to steal a nearby helicopter.

How lucky is that?

It's not all plain sailing (flying?) tho' as no sooner have they taken off than our hero notices that they're running low on fuel.

and the only thing that can stop them plummeting to their deaths is for our scientist pal to remove all of her clothes in order to make the helicopter lighter.

meow. Thrice.

I wish.

Disappointingly what actually happens is that (a fully clothed) Sarah rigs up the emergency oxygen tanks to the fuel line (using some sticky tape, bubblegum and a used tampon) enabling them to land safely at the bunker.

Phew!

Whilst all this chasing and fighting nonsense has been going on tho' the mega piranhas have been very busy on their journey north, having so far eaten two battleships, a submarine, three hotels and a couple of Mexican extras.

Not bad going for something that looks like it's been cut from Fuzzy Felt by a hook handed alcoholic.

With cataracts.

"Helicopter in mah big fish lipped mooth ya bastard!"

Proving impervious to everything from (cartoon) torpedoes to the odd (toilet roll) depth charge, Sarah concludes that there's only one way to defeat this fearsomely fishy foe.

She offers to slowly strip naked and cover herself from head to toe in cod liver oil in an attempt to lure them into a big net.

Fitch however reckons this plan would be too dangerous (spoilsport) and instead volunteers to lead a crack team of Navy Seal Scuba divers (armed with spray painted Super Squirter's) to engage the enemy at close quarters.

But if this fails, O'Grady has authorised the use of the nations full nuclear arsenal against the piranhas.

It means the total destruction of Florida but hey, no big loss there then.

But what of the creepy Colonel Diaz I hear you shout.

Well he's slowly making his way up river, intent on extracting his revenge on Fitch, throwing a rope to our hero halfway thru' the exciting underwater battle.

Fitch, thinking it's a naked Sarah onboard climbs up only to be confronted by an erect-nippled Diaz and his rat-like co-pilot.

Disappointed at not getting to see everyone's fave eighties popstrel naked he fires a handy flare gun into the co-pilots mouth (I think it's a subtle sexual thing) just as the big daddy piranha leaps out of the water in front of him....

Will Fitch survive?

Will Sarah ever remove her clothes?

And how many pies did director Forsberg actually eat before filming?

"Laugh now!"

Readers with long memories - and short nights, probably including glass dolls - will remember way back when a film company named The Asylum burst onto our screens with their lo-fi takes on current blockbuster movies.

These 'mockbusters' (or shitflix as we call them in Unwell Towers) would take current hits and with a wee bit of subtle retitling (and a whole load of cardboard and glue) re-imagine them on a pocket money budget and fire them out ahead of the real thing like those bootleg Star Wars toys you can buy in pound shops and market stores across the nation.

 From cut price novelty Friday film night fun to a staple of 'mainstream' releases (The Meg anyone?) these perfect examples of cheap and cheerful popcorn fodder don't get any more glorious than Mega-Piranha, from its perfect retro/stunt casting to the sheer bravado of it's (admittedly) skid row effects it delivers exactly what you'd expect.

Except Tiffany in a skimpy bikini obviously.

And let's be honest, to criticize an Asylum movie for it's lack of originality and budget is a wee bit like slagging Stephen Hawking off for being rubbish at football.
Saying that tho' some of the effects on show are so scabby I actually had to use dermatological creams on my teevee after viewing.

On a brighter note it's ten times more enjoyable than the aforementioned Monster tho' nowhere near the level of gut wrenching genius that is the classic David Carradine starrer Dinocroc vs. Supergator which was too magnificent for even me to review.

I've just read this back and it's just words isn't it?