Arena Of The Unwell: February 2020

Been a bit of a resurgence in the cult of Weng Weng recently (OK, one person I follow on Twitter mentioned it last week) so thought I'd give his first big screen outing a rewatch.

Bizarrely this was the first ever review posted here from a time where I assumed people would actually read my stuff.

But they didn't.

Ah youth.

Anyway without further ado - and now with added words.....

For Your Height Only (AKA For Y'ur Height Only. 1981).
Dir: Eddie Nicart (yes THAT Eddie Nicart).
Cast: Weng Weng, Yehlen Catral, Carmi Martin, Tony Ferrer, Mike Cohen, Anna Marie Gutierrez, Beth Sandoval and your Auntie Jean.

"How did that midget find out about our operation? That little Weng could put us out of business!"

Whilst visiting the Philippines (no doubt for the cheap crack and whores....no, sorry for a 'science conference') the brilliant - well he did invent the terrifying 'N' bomb - and bearded Professor Bertie 'Van' Kohler (Warriors of The Apocalypse's Cohen) is kidnapped by an evil group of pimp shirted bad men and held to ransom by the notorious Mr. Giant.

So far so usual foreign holiday.

As we all know from watching 'the films' at times of crisis the world can usually call on one man to help and in this case it's the Philippines top secret super spy.

His name?

Weng Weng, or as he's better known 'Agent 00' - a martial arts expert, weapons specialist, randy romancer, smart dressed lady killer and all-around honest to goodness superhero wrapped in a tiny package topped off with a Dario Argento moptop.

Can U dig it?

Harry and Meghan in happier times.

Arriving at Spy HQ, Agent 00 (Weng Weng) receives his orders and his top gadgets - including a poison detecting ring, a radio controlled flying straw hat with a razor sharp brim, a tiny machine gun, a miniature jetpack and a fountain pen which is pointed out helpfully "It isn't any good if you need to write with it, but we can't have everything." - from 'The Boss' (not Bruce Springsteen, but a jovial, chubby pervy old uncle figure played by Ferrer from the classic Legs Katawan Babae) before setting out to rescue the missing professor and foil Mr. Giant's no doubt evil plans by infiltrating his gang.

And how does he do this?

By stripping off his shirt and wiggling his HUGE erect nipples in front of a sexy lady whilst muttering the immortal chat up line: “Hey, do you want to do it?” of course.

Tho' this might just be crass dubbing.

You can take the piss all you like, that's one more girl than you've ever touched.

As far as the plot goes that's about it seeing as the majority of the movie is just a fantastic mish mash of hair raising stunts (usually involving Weng jumping off buildings using an umbrella or handkerchief as a parachute or jumping over small molehills on a mini motorbike) and Weng dancing to hot disco hits to impress a gaggle of Filipino ladies (including sexy superstar Carmi Martin) intercut with random scenes of our pint sized hero chasing polyester panted (and shiny shirted) bad guys with his flying hat.

For about an hour.

Don't fret tho' because just when you think your brain (or you underpant elastic) can't possibly take any more high octane action (or any more hot loving), Weng finally makes his way to the villains hide out, eliminating most of his henchmen thru' a mix of hot lead and hot punches to the happy sacks before confronting Mr. Giant himself.

And guess what?

He isn't actually a giant at all, you see HE'S A MIDGET TOO!!!!!

Oh.

My.

Sides.

Whoever designed this cover I'd like to shake them by the hand and look them in the eye....before I hurl them of the tallest building I can find.

And with that out of the way, here's the science part.

By the late 70s and early 80s, the era of the sub-Bondian lo-fi double feature fillers was coming to an end.

Spies were old news and whilst the Roger Moore led Bond franchise was still alive (just), everyone else was just using the rudimentary cinematic coathanger upon which to drape the trappings of the genre of the moment, whether that be kung fu (the secret lair and undercover shenanigans of Enter the Dragon) or the soft-core capers in stuff like Licensed to Love and Kill (which at least has a great cast, I mean where else could you find the likes of Nick Tate, Deep Roy and Gareth Hunt in one place?), so it's no surprise that at some point someone would make an espionage exploitation epic featuring a midget lead.

I mean we knew disability wasn't untouchable as far as box office bucks go seeing as we'd already experience the faintly uncomfortable Mr. No Legs (AKA Gun Fighter) and the multi-media sensation that was/is Jay J. Armes but to be honest I'm just shocked it took so long and wasn't a semi-serious endeavor (or hit US teevee show) starring Hervé Villechaize, who was at that point a world-wide celeb thanks to Fantasy Island and had also faced off against Roger Moore in The Man With The Golden Gun.

Tho' there's still time for that to happen, I mean Peter Dinklage isn't that busy at the moment.

Unfortunately (as far as taste goes) the Filipino film industry - aided and abetted by American film producer Dick (of Dr. Frankenstein's Castle of Freaks and Pieces fame) Randall - got there first, casting the little known actor and martial artist Ernesto de la Cruz as the lead and with that the cult of Weng Weng was born with de la Cruz going on to portray the suave super spy in two further films - The Impossible Kid and Da Best in The West.

If you've not seen them, The Impossible Kid sees Weng Weng transferred to the Manila branch of Interpol (seeing as he's worn out all the ladies in Govan) and sent in pursuit of the notorious Mr X, a super villain whose head is covered by a giant white sports sock whilst Da Best in The West has Weng and sexy sidekick Gordon investigating the murder of Santa Monica’s mayor.

This movie has one of the greatest climaxes of all time, featuring as it does Weng armed with a Gatling gun mowing down hundreds of Mexican bandits whilst a tribe of dwarf tribesmen launch a counter attack with bows and arrows.

A wee bit like the end of Return of The Jedi but with less arse-banditary.

And wide brimmed hats obviously.

The first attempt at a Ninth Doctor action figure was abandoned after causing mass panic among under tens.

But sometimes truth can be stranger than fiction and there's no greater evidence of this than the fact that due to the success of For Y’ur Height Only (and the rest), de la Cruz was made an honorary Philippine Secret Agent (and be presented a custom-made .25 caliber pistol by then Vice Chief of Staff General Fidel V. Ramos) as well as being awarded a special citation for services to the Filipino film industry by the then-first lady (and famous shoe fetishist) Imelda Marcos.

Bizarrely and according to legend the pair got so drunk at the party afterwards that they ended up performing a karaoke duet of My Way in front of a throng of adoring fans.*

There's really not anything else I can add to that is there?**

Good day.

* An unauthorized recording of their performance was later released on bootleg cassette and sold 200,000 copies of which I own six.

**Well apart from the fact that in 1992, at the relatively young age of 34, Weng Weng died of heart attack, a common cause of death among those with dwarfism but I didn't want to end on a downer.

Which I now have.

Sorry.