fiddy pence.

 

Readers with long memories (and short tempers) may remember a few years ago that I tried to broaden the readership of the blog by expanding into more sensible stuff like - ahem -politics and the like, so to that end (exactly 4 years ago) I tweeted Mike Pence to ask what his favourite movie was in the hope of getting an exclusive interview or something from him pre-election night.

If you remember I did this with Nigel Farage to great effect.

Well I say great effect but actually mean that no fucker read it, so you can imagine my surprise when Pence actually replied*.

If only I'd used this information at the time I could have saved the world from 4 years of Trump and changed the course of American history as we know it.

Oh well.

Anyway seeing as it's election time (again) and because I'm running out of stuff for the 31 days of horror thing I thought I'd present his tweet in all its (totally real and in no way fake) glory alongside the review for those who hadn't seen it.

Dr. Frankenstein's Castle of Freaks (AKA Frankenstein's Castle, Frankenstein's Castle of Freaks, Monsters of Frankenstein, Terror Castle, The House of Freaks, 1974).
Dir: Robert H Oliver or Dick Randall take your pick I don't really care.
Cast: Rossano Brazzi, Loren Ewing, Edmund Purdom, Simonetta Vitelli and her playful puppies, Christiane Rucker, Eric Mann, Luciano Pigozzi, Michael Dunn and Mr. Boris Lugosi as Ook.

Terror stalks the castle when the secret of life falls into the wrong hands.

Somewhere in deepest, darkest Europe a bunch of inbred local yokel types in dirty vests and baseball hats (we call them Neds, you call them Republicans) have decided, with it being a Sunday and all, to spend the afternoon stoning a topless, manbreasted Neanderthal named Pedro (Ewing from Venus in Furs) to death.

No reason is given for this frankly loutish behavior other that they must be a wee bit bored.

Either that or the fact that his straggly beard makes him look a wee bit foreign.

Which is fair enough then.

Luckily for our hapless brute, who should come a-riding past but the one and only Count Steve Frankenstein (Brazzi from such classics as South Pacific and The Italian Job obviously getting stung by his ex wife for a new swimming pool) who has other plans for the big man.

Yup you guessed it, the 'mad' scientist reckons this towering titan would make a great starting point for his latest experiment.

An experiment into the world of urban dance beats.


Probably.

"Mary Doll! whit's fae dinnah?"

However nothing ever goes smoothly for our favourite nutty professor as while he's performing (very complicated) surgery to transform his new plaything from a big beast into a fairly passable - and typical - Glaswegian (complete with 'heid' bandage) who should turn up out of the blue but his sensible shoed and bouncy breasted daughter Mary (Vitelli, ask your granddad), her hunky fiancé Eric (Mann the director of Manhunter and The Keep, possibly) and their dirty blonde and even dirtier pillowed anthropologist 'friend', Krista (Rucker best know by teevee fans for her long running role in Kottan Ermittelt) all intent on enjoying a holiday at Mary's old man's pad.


And his expense obviously.

"Now why don't you and your
little friend get wet n' naked for a wee bit o' mooth shite-in before dinner?"

Playing the good host, Frankenstein wines and dines his guests, regaling them with funny science stories whilst secretly sending out his freakish posse (including Genz the necrophiliac ginger porn dwarf fantastically played by Dunn) to steal more corpses for his experiment to recreate the entire rosta of BBC Scotlands' early 90's comedy talent in order to battle the evil independence movement.

And by the looks of it he already appears to have Rab C Nesbitt.

"Whit?"

During one such midnight foray, the dim witted Hans (Pigozzi from Yor) forgets to clean away Genz' tiny footprints and, rather than admit his mistake, puts the blame on the little fella, causing the Count to banish him from his castle (of Freaks) until he finds out - and I quote - "What the Hell is going on with these short people!"

And all without even letting him have his supper first.

Genz, understandably annoyed by this (well, it was kippers on the menu) swears the wrath of the little people on the Count and begins to plot his revenge.

Sitting on a mushroom and seething away whilst planning more and more convoluted ways of gaining revenge our tiny pal is vaguely surprised (tho' he may just be squinting to read the cue-cards - when yet another Neanderthal, this one named Ook (Lugosi AKA The Beast in Heat himself, Sal Boris ) pops out from behind a hedge close to the European/Mexican border on the look out for some top tottie to fiddle with.

Or at the very least for a pretty mooth to shite in.

Obviously after selling her drugs and stealing her job that is.

C'mon we all know what these Neanderthals are like.

"It's awight wee Jimmy, ah
checked the beanstalk".

Anyway, whilst all this particularly un-PC stuff is going on, Krista and Mary have discovered a soothing hot spring in the caves below the castle and have decided the best thing to do would be to get naked and begin frolicking in a sexy manner at the first opportunity.

Obviously this adds nothing to the plot but it does mean you get quality dialogue like:

"This dress was designed to get out of quickly!"

and scenes like this:

and this:

Which is nice.

Tissues dispensed with it's back to the plot.

Genz sneaks back into the castle (disguised as a small doll, tiny second amender or a gnome no doubt) and frees a very angry Pedro who after sneaking a look in a mirror is devastated to find that he wasn't made to look like Wee Burnie.

To avoid confusion with our American readers I mean this guy, not this one.

Sorted?

Good, now we can continue.

Pedro then proceeds to smash the castle up and chase everyone whilst going "Gggrrraaaaahhhh" a lot.

We feel his pain.

Ook, meanwhile is slowly wandering through the dark tunnels below the castle looking for a quick shag, which is quite lucky then that he almost immediately comes across a naked, glistening (and very bouncy) Krista preparing for a soak.

Ook's leering grin, straining groin and outstretched hands say it all.

More tissues ahoy.

Just as you think that things couldn't get any worse the locals - who are still bored - have decided to organize another dads n' lads stoning and reckon that Frankenstein should be next on the list.

Wandering about the forest they soon come across poor Pedro (even tho' he looks completely different with his head bandaged and wearing a string vest) and give chase, following him into the caves where he hides behind a rock pretending to be a deplorable.

OK then a cat.

Surprisingly this ploy seems to work and the angry militia quickly head further into the caves giving Pedro the chance to make a break for freedom.

As he's about to head back to the border our brutish buddy spies poor Krista, covered in egg, sweat and semen (and on whom he has a wee bit of a schoolboy crush), being manhandled and arse whacked by the drooling Ook.

Will Pedro risk his own life to save this beautiful embodiment of liberty and chastity?

Will the mad locals ever tire of lynching random folk?

And does anyone reading really care?

Rucker: bacony passage.

From the legendary director/producer/dwarf fetishist Dick Randall (the man who brought us Weng Weng's For Y'ur Height Only, Supersonic Man and Don't Open Till Christmas amongst other classics), Frankenstein's Castle of Freaks' appears to be the bizarre lovechild of the no-budget, lo-fi drive-in movies of the mid 60's and the studio bound Euro-exploitationers of the the early 70's, lurching as it does between Hammeresque horror and bouncy boob fun.

This schizophrenic approach coupled with a general sense of unevenness and a totally threadbare plot is made even more enjoyable when the action and horror is repeatedly hijacked by scenes of Christiane Rucker's ample arse and Simonetta Vitelli's glorious breasts.

"Laugh now!"

Quite rightly most of the rude stuff is instigated by the movies true star, the pixie like perv that is Michael Dunn. Whether he's pinching a dead woman's nipples or giving Ook a quick lesson in seduction using a kidnapped farm girl as an unwilling volunteer, Dunn's portrayal of the pube bearded, tiny-handed hunchbacked mini-molester is a riot of over the top twitches and snarls coupled with an overpowering sense of sexual deviancy.

It's like a pocket sized Donald Trump is scooting around in your living room wearing your dad's pants.

Plus he has that wibbly wobbly run that's so endearing.

Frankly fantastic Friday night film fodder, plus as an added incentive to trawl thru' the bargain bins is that the UK DVD release on Something Weird Video was double boxed with the Victor Buono classic The Mad Butcher (AKA Meat is Meat).

But that was about 18 years ago so good luck finding it now.

Tho' if you ask him nicely Pence may get it re-released (this time on shiny BluRay) seeing as - hopefully - he'll be out of a job soon.

If you can call having to suck the arse-nuggets from a ginger, small-handed sociopath on a daily basis whilst he roughly fondles his daughter a job.

Oh well each to their own I guess.





*Probably.