Arena Of The Unwell: hat trick.

Day 4 of the whole 31 Days of Horror fiasco and I'm reposting this from earlier this year as no fucker has read it yet.

You're welcome.

Beyond Terror (AKA Further Than Fear, Terrorgang, Más allá del terror. 1980).
Dir: Tomás Aznar.
Cast: Francisco Sánchez Grajera, Raquel Ramírez, Emilio Siegrist, Antonio Jabalera, Alexia Loreto, David Forrest and Andrée Van de Woestyne.

Their Nightmare Was Further than Fear... It was BEYOND TERROR !

Welcome to late 70s Spain, where men were men, women had bowl haircuts and overlarge Action slacks and every teenager seems to be a member of a drug-fueled bike gang.

Albeit a biker gang that's slightly less scary than The Living Dead from Psychomania.

But each to their own.

So with all that pesky background in place it's time to meet one of those gang members - the pixie haired psycho Lola (One hit wonder Ramírez) who, obviously driven mad by her falling out with brother Charlie, spends her days picking up random old blokes with the promise of 'the sex' before taking them into a deserted field then stabbing them (to death) and finally stealing their wallets.

Which is nice.

Your dad's taking the divorce well.

With money to spend and and a few hours to spare Lola decides to meet up with patented bad boy Chema (Grajera - star of La Celestina and La patria del rata but you knew that) alongside her freaky (other) brother Nico (Bajo en nicotina's Siegrist) and some other guy whose name escapes me, tho' it's probably not that important as he'll be dead soon.*

Anyway after spending all their cash on hash and coming down with a huge dose of the munchies the merry band decide to hold up the local (upmarket) kebab shop but just as they're about to leave with the food (and the contents of the till) the police turn up and a pitched gun battle ensues resulting in the death of nameless guy and two of the police.

Covered in blood, sweat and kebab sauce and with their options quickly dwindling Chema decides to kidnap the two remaining (living) customers, Jorge (Jabalera - Manolo from TeeVees Las Viudas) and Linda (Loreto, who once met Paul Naschy) and steal their car in order to safely escape.

Hel - met.

With Jorge forced to drive at gunpoint, Chema wastes no time in trying to get into Linda's (big, beige) underwear, blatantly touching her bum as a slightly annoyed Jorge looks on helplessly.

Linda doesn't really mind the attention tho' as it turns out that she and Jorge don't actually like each other and she's only having an affair with him because her (very rich) husband is so boring and that she was planning to leave both him and Jorge, you see she's cleared out her hubbie's bank account (and Peppa Pig money box) and has stashed over a million quid in crisp new tenners in her handbag to help her start a new life.

Probably in Walsall.

Dollar are looking a wee bit rough.

This announcement comes as a wee bit of a surprise to everyone in the car, especially Jorge who angrily lunges at Linda, causing the car to crash into a big tree leaving our merry band no alternative other than to traipse thru' the woods in the hope of finding a house with a car, or at least a few occupants to terrorize.

Being a fairly short movie it's not too long before they come across a dilapidated farmhouse belonging to the elderly Dama (Van de Woestyne) that she shares with her grandson Andras (Forrest) and her pet pooch Simon (himself).

Being bad boys tho' they rudely turn down the old ladies offer of tea and biscuits and instead push the old woman to the ground, kill the dog and lock Andras in a wardrobe before torching the place and stealing Dama's car.

Oh yes and shitting in the sugar bowl.

Whilst all this carnage is going on Jorge and Linda just stand around looking uncomfortable proving themselves just as despicable as Chema, Nico and Lola.

Tho' in Lola's case not as cute obviously.

And with that they drive off into the night, Andras' screams still echoing in the darkness.

¡Cómete en mi boca española asesina, bastardos!

Unfortunately the creepy crims hadn't realised that Dama was one of Spain's top Satanist-types and even now, with her last breath is calling upon the powers of Hell to extract revenge upon the group.

A revenge that begins with a spooky supernatural spirit taking control of their car and forcing it to drive to an abandoned castle (via the terrifying medium of speeded-up film) before breaking shorting the sparkplugs (or something I'm no mechanic) and forcing them to spend the night there...a night where they will each face their darkest fears and most horrifying visions.

But first there's enough time for some chat about wealth, Chema and Linda to give each other puppy eyes much to Jorge's annoyance and for Nico to have a crafty wank in the drawing room whilst mocking the churches obsession with 'spunk trumpets' or something.

To be fair I was out having a fag at this point so was having to read the subtitles thru the window.

Lola at this point is just sitting on a rock looking bored seeing as the script seems to have fuck all for her to do other than to look vacant.

As i return to the coziness of my living room it seems that Jorge has the same idea as I just did, as he wanders off for a sly ciggie too leaving Linda and Chema to find a quiet tomb to sit on in the cellar as they discuss their feelings.

Well Chema basically says "I fancy you a fair bit" whilst Linda says "I fancy you too, let's take my big bag of money and run away!" before having a wee bit of 'the sex' in brightly lit, pimple showing detail.

Fair enough.

"Boiled onions!"

At the point of climax (Linda's not mine) who happens to walk in but poor old Jorge, who upon finding his girlfriend spreadeagled on a mausoleum with a leather-clad youth thrusting 'tween her milky smooth thighs stomps off in a huff and attempts to steal the car (and the cash) only to get trapped inside with his kipper tie wrapped around the handbrake as the vehicle bursts into flames.

As Chema comforts Linda - much to Lola's chagrin - no one notices the ghostly presence of the dead boy and his dog (from earlier, remember?) watching from the hilltop.

Spooky biscuits.

Chema, taking charge decides that they should all rest up for the night and decide a plan of action in the morning and on that note heads off hand in hand with Linda leaving Lola to storm off in a massive strop.

You see it appears that she's secretly had a crush on Chema for years and only became a badgirl in the hope he'd notice her so upon realising that he loves another she decides to find her brother for some moral support.

When she does find him tho' he's angrily wanking in the kitchen.

Again.

It seems that he too had the hots for Chema.

Or maybe Linda, I'm not sure at this point.

All I do know is that in a scene of sibling support, Lola decides to help her brother out and hopefully cheer him up by giving him a crafty gobble in front of the antique fireplace.

Not being Spanish I've no idea if this is usual family behavior or not.

Answers to the usual address.

Chema tries to find the puncture on his patented Gwyneth Paltrow love doll.

Unable to sleep Linda decides to go for a midnight wander only to be confronted by the crispy ghost of Jorge who tuts disapprovingly at the fact that she's showing a wee bit too much thigh..

This upsets Linda so much that she runs away and hides in the crypt where (very) surprisingly the mummified corpses on display come alive and start touching her in a fairly inappropriate manner.

Not that she seems to mind tho', I mean this is the most animated she's been for the entire film if I'm honest.

Unfortunately the film cuts back to Nico before things get too interesting/pervy.

Oh well.

Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's Maybelline.

It seems that Nico is also having trouble sleeping (all that wanking appears to have given him a bad bout of cramp in his thigh) so he's decided to go for a walk to stretch his legs.

Wandering aimlessly around the nearby woods he's surprised (there's a lot of this going on) when Simon the dead dog turns up and drops a stick at his feet.

Just before tearing Nico's throat out.

Ouch.

The noise of all this corpse humping and throat ripping wakes Lola who decides to look for Chema for help/a shag but soon comes across him hanging from a tree, turning to run she stumbles over her brothers dead body and in a fit of panic makes her way into the crypt to hide only to see Linda's cobwebbed body surrounded by corpses in a corner.

What your mum really gets up to on bingo night.

Drowning in death and with the musty smell of boiled cabbage in the air Lola panics and attempts to leave the crypt only to be confronted by the spirit of the old woman she and her friends murdered earlier.

And it is time for her final revenge....

Will Lola explain that she's really a victim of her socialization process and escape?

Or will she too be creepily cuddled by the corpse army?

Or will the old lady intensely stare at her for a bit and make her head explode?

Go on, guess.

Titles.

From 'director' Tomás Aznar (who gave us the classics Playboy en paro and El libro de buen amor - no, me neither) and the man behind the threadbare thriller Pieces, Juan Piquer Simón, comes a film so shoddy that even Simón hid behind an alias he was so embarrassed.

Now you just think about that for a minute.

I'll wait.

Surprisingly for all its faults (and they are legion) it's actually fairly watchable tho' partly due to it's unlikely - and slightly drunken - fusing of A Clockwork Orange and The Blind Dead (with the underwear and sauciness of Burial Ground thrown in for good measure) but mainly because Raquel Ramírez looks so darn cute in her Greek fisherman's hat, woolly scarf and sensible winter coat.

Which I think says way more about me than the film if I'm honest.

Sensible.

Plus, if you're a fan of Euro-horror of the 70s/80s it actually has an incredibly comfy feel to it, like meeting up with an old pal in the pub before realizing that you usually ignore him because after 3 pints he shits on the bar for a laugh.

It's all there, violence, sexiness, saucy 70s undies and dialogue so stilted you could rest your shopping against it with no worries of the bag spilling over.

Occasionally something unusual happens (seduction by mummified corpses I'm looking at you) but then the director has no idea what to do with it so hastily moves on to something else.

A bit like your mum and that myriad of 'uncles' you had as a kid.

And if nothing else tho' you can enjoy the blatant rip off of Frank Frazetta's artwork for the cover of Vampirella Issue 11 for the poster art.

An illustration so good that even the makers of The Witch Who Came from the Sea nicked it too.