With it being the holidays I'm spending the week drunkenly eating rubbish whilst gorging myself on great movies.
And this one.
Dir: Danish version: Poul Bang, English version: Sidney W. Pink
Cast: Carl Ottosen as General Mark Grayson, Ann Smyrner, Mimi Heinrich, Asbjørn Andersen, Bodil Miller (or Marla Behrens), Bent Mejding as Svend Viltorft
Povl Wøldike as Dr. Peter Dalby
Dirch Passer as Peterson
Ole Wisborg as Captain Brandt
Claus Toksvig as himself as himself, Jens Due
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| “We're not accustomed to seeing such a beautiful woman connected to science!” |
Our story begins “somewhere in the forbidding Arctic tundra of Lapland” where, bizarrely enough, a hunky band of dishy Danish miners (in short sleeves, I mean how tough are they?) are busy we are told - via a fairly sexy it has to be said from our soon-to-be heroic lead, General Mark Grayson - taking loads of core samples (no me neither) whilst doing a variety of complicated things with a huge Meccano set.
Or at least they would be if it wasn't broken.
Scraping shite off the drill head and picking old condoms and broken Buckfast bottles out of the pipe head miner Svend Viltorft (Mejding) discovers that a huge chunk of floppy, bloodied meat surrounded by bits of bone has jammed the drill and stopped it working.
And bizarrely the meat is still fresh.
As if from a living creature.
Yowzers.
Quickly realizing that you don't usually find the remains of someones Sunday lunch (or in fact bits of the person eating it) whilst digging for oil, Svend decides to the take the bits to the University Of Stuff Found Whilst Drilling in the picturesque city of Copenhagen to ask the esteemed Professor Martens (ball-faced actor, director and founder member of ABBA Andersen) and his associate, Dr. Dalby (pervy of specs but high of hair Wøldike) what they make of it.
The fact that Svend has been surrounded by big burly men for six months and that Martens has two daughters - blonde bombshell Lise (Boots make-up counter server wannabe Smyrner) and the utterly hatstand but totally adorable Karen (the pixie-esque, fright fringed star of Blændværk - where she became famous as the first ever nude actress in a Danish movie - and my latest cinema obsession Heinrich) has nothing to do with his choice of expert obviously.
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| Heinrich: maneuver. |
Remember tho' no science fiction monster movie is complete without a plucky newspaper reporter to make up the numbers (which is a shame but hey ho) so enter - roughly and from behind Pease Morghann (Due) who will spend the rest of the film suggestively sucking on the tip of a pencil and pouting.
Popping the sample in a big bath, Martens surmises that the chuck of flesh actually comes from a still living creature and by slowly adding cold water and bubblebath to the mix they can probably find out exactly what species it actually is, which if I'm honest sounds a wee bit more complicated than just heading back to the site and digging the rest of it up.
Actually in the cold harsh light of day it sounds absolute bollocks.
But what do I know, I draw shit for a living.
And with that Martens leaves Dalby to keep an eye on things whilst his (aforementioned) daughters paw violently at Svend as the foursome head out into town for a handy Copenhagen travelogue.
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| "Are you looking at my bra?" |
Whilst all this sightseeing, flirting and eating is going down, the universities night watchman, Peter Peterson (wild eyed Danish comedy god and real-life Mater, Passer) is left in charge of making sure the samples temperature stays constant whilst Dalby busies himself doodling cocks in all the text books.
Probably.
I mean if I'm honest this whole section is just an excuse for some top knockabout comedy as Peterson hilariously bumps into various bits of furniture before amusingly fingering an electric eel.
No, really.
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| He did WHAT in his cup? |
After all this eel molestation, Peterson sneaks off for a crafty wank leaving Dalby to fall asleep at his desk after not closing the lab door properly which causes - yep, you guessed it - the sample to go all warm and mushy.
Martens is understandably fairly pissed off by this turn of events but just as he's about to thrash Dalby with his belt Lise points out that the warm air appears to have made the chunky flesh lump grow.
Yup, whatever the thing in the lab is, it's now regenerating.
Realising that this is well above their pay-grade, Dalby and Martens request the help of world famous UNESCO troubleshooter Connie Miller (Behrens or Miller depending which version you're watching) who upon arrival, just stands around looking concerned whilst Martens rubs his thighs and generally leches over her.
Luckily she has the studly (and aforementioned) American General Mark Grayson (tiny-eyed Ottosen, best know as Kommissær Boucard from the 1972 TV movie Hotel Paradiso - not that one - fact fans) to protect her from any unwanted advances, which is lucky as he's seems to serve no other purpose to the plot at this point, I mean not even his superiors have told him why he's there so as it is he just stands around in a jaunty hat looking either angry or confused.
Exactly like the viewers.
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| Behrens or Miller - Tunnel or funnel? |
Good old Martens manages to calm the General down tho, by informing him that everything will be explained at the press conference being held in the canteen that very afternoon and, if he behaves himself - not shouting at or shooting anyone, his daughters will take him out on a double date alongside his Dutch counterpart Captain Joe Brandt (Wisborg, who you may recognise from the saucy 1970 Danish/ American sexploitation epic Daddy Darling).
So pay attention cos here's the science part.
It seems that using 'the science', Martens and Dalby have invented a special nutrient mix that, when fed into the bath will enable them to control the creatures growth and make sure it doesn't grow to giant size and destroy the city.
Barring electrical storms obviously.
Oh yes and the creature now has a name.
Ladies and gentlemen please welcome Reptilicus Martenus.
Or Steven as he's known to his friends.
Cue one of those spinney headline scenes so beloved of the time.
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| "Boiled onions!" |
Not everyone is happy with the news tho' as grumpy Grayson soon realises that he's been assigned to lead the lizard tail protection squad, meaning he's gonna be expected to stand in the corner of the office for a few weeks staring angrily at Peterson as he performs various comedy turns whilst Lise and Karen take it in turns rubbing their crotches up and down his leg.
So it's not all bad then.
Especially Peterson's genius sandwich-based microscope routine when he puts a bit of his sandwich under the aforementioned microscope before peering thru the eye-piece only to be so horrified by the teeny tiny microbes on it that he burps really loudly in disgust.
Comedy gold I'm sure you'll agree.
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| Insert cock here. |
As you can probably tell, the films pace can be best described as leisurely.
Anyway after more hi-jinks, more grumpiness from Grayson, extra flirting from Lise and Karen things of an actual monster movie style nature eventually start to happen when Marten's orders them to pour even more nutrient fluid into the tank causing the beast to start bubbling and growing before quickly cutting to yet another travelogue as the cast head out to enjoy a musical cabaret featuring none other than Danish top entertainer and former Eurovision entry Birthe Wilke who wows the crowd with her timeless classic Tivoli Nights.
No really.
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| Birthe Wilke: Ask your granddad. |
But as all this singing, boozing and furtive fondling is going on a storm is brewing over downtown Copenhagen causing Reptilicus to totally regenerate and escape from his tank.
Tho' not that quickly obviously as the whole thing is intercut with even more comedy pratfalls, sleeping scientists and drinking alongside a vaguely amusing sequence where Peterson attempts to ride his bike to the police station for help whilst Dalby waves a gun around for some reason.
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| "Laugh now!" |
All this beast-based chaos gives Grayson a chance to shine, so he wastes no time setting up a 'command centre' in an old school gym and surround himself with the best scientific and military minds he can (well all of those not good enough to join Doctor Who's UNIT, Dad's Army or even Hogan's Heroes obviously) whilst covering the walls with maps from the local school.
Laugh all you like but this course of action seems to work and they soon receive a phone call informing them that Reptilicus has been spotted shouting abuse at a field full of cows on a small farm just off the coast.
Cue shit-loads of stock footage of soldiers jumping into trucks and riding around in jeeps whilst carefully polishing large pieces of field artillery, all cut to a triumphant 'umpa' score.
Seriously I'm hard just thinking about it.
Well, thinking about that and Mimi Heinrich if I'm honest.
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| "Spice Girls number one for Christmas...MONSTA!" |
Upon arrival at the farm our heroes find Reptilicus hiding in a barn (his tail is sticking out which gives him away) and Grayson gives the order to open fire giving the director to present us with even more stock footage intercut with shots of a threadbare dinosaur puppet vomiting cartoon-acid-spit in the general direction of the where the soldiers would be if any of this were in any way real or competently made.
But Reptilicus soon gets bored of all these stock footage based shenanigans (either that or the director found editing together action sequences way too complex) and decides to fuck off to the beach in the hope of scaring some topless sunbathers whilst a visibly annoyed (or is that aroused?) Grayson shakes his fist whilst exclaiming that “It's scales are like armor plates!” before realising that this'd be a good excuse to call in the big guns.
And by big guns I mean Svend armed with a flamethrower sitting in a jeep.
So with that in place the pair ride off toward the beach desperately trying to ignite the flame with a knock-off Zippo. |
| "You ain't see me right?" |
Bizarrely the flame-thrower works (probably because Reptilicus is constructed from paper-mache) causing the creature to holler in pain before fucking off under the sea.
Heading back to the lab, Grayson and Martens reckon it'd be a good idea to do a wee bit of research regarding Reptilicus so to this end decide to consult a childrens dinosaur book (no really) and quickly come to the conclusion that Reptilicus is a kind of mutant brontosaurus cum elephant and is therefore the missing link 'tween reptile and mammals.
Seems legit.And with this new information Grayson orders the entire Danish navy to patrol the sea looking for it because that's where elephants hang out obviously.
Cue even more military stock footage as pages of a calendar flick forward to show the passage of time intercut with various shots of behatted sailors peering thru' binoculars.
Just when you think the remainder of the film is just going to consist of grainy stock footage and angry men staring till everyone dies of boredom, Grayson receives a message that Reptilicus has been found snoozing in a local bay (next to a kids model boat obviously) and quickly orders a barrage of depth charges be dropped on the sleeping beast.
But as the attack begins Martens realises that if they manage to blow up Reptilicus each chunk of flesh will grow into a new monster, so he sprints down to the beach in order to stop the attack.
Unfortunately all the excitement causes him to suffer a massive heart attack.
I assume it's a heart attack as by judging his facial contortions it could actually be a massive cum.
I mean he is Danish after all.
Anyway as luck would have it tho' Connie comes to exactly the same conclusion at almost the same time and quickly warns Grayson, who after much huffing and puffing calls off the attack but not before one of the charges explodes right beside Reptilicus causing his right paw to drop off and sink to the ocean floor.
This may be important later.
With Lise and Karen off to visit the hospital with Connie it's left to Grayson and Svend to, if not hold the fort, then at least hold up a variety of maps and photos of local tourist spots where Reptilicus may surface next in between sleeping at their desks.
For what seems like hours. Again.
All this serious staring is interrupted (thank fuck) when Brandt bursts in to announce that a Swedish trawler has reported being attacked by Reptilicus.
As is the way by now, we don't actually get to see the attack but we are treated to some top quality stock footage of capsized boats and the like as Grayson (in a grave voice-over) explains that Reptilicus strikes so quickly that no-one ever sees him till it's too late, leaving only a trail of death and destruction as evidence he was ever there.
Which is really lucky for the effects crew if I'm honest.
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| "Do you think he'll swallow me whole?" "No he'll spit that bit out!" |
Anyway we're soon back to a beach (I'm assuming it's a different one but to be honest I don't really care) where dozens of holidaymakers are enjoying a a wee bit of frolicking fun without a single worry about the giant monster that's in the news destroying shit and killing folk on a daily basis - which just goes to show how fucking hard the Danish actually are.
Everything is going swimmingly until that is a loved up pair sneak off behind a rock for a wee bit of kissing and the like only to accidentally bump into Reptilicus and wake him up by accidentally sitting on his snout.
Reptilicus responds by spewing even more acidic spit on them before attempting to eat everyone on the beach as the army race to the rescue only to see the creature fly off into the distance.
Destination?
Copenhagen!
The government order for the residents to stay indoors is met with fairly impressive footage of literally hundreds of folk running around the streets in panic - except for the fair few waving at the camera and smiling obviously - as the might of the Danish military take up positions beside various touristy landmarks ready for action.
Expecting the films leisurely pace to continue I half imagined this scene to carryy on for at least an hour but surprisingly Reptilicus appears within a minute or so, popping his head up from behind a nearby church giving Grayson the chance to shout "Fire at will!” at anyone who'll listen.
This would probably be a good idea if someone didn't point out to Grayson that they can't use anything bigger than a machine gun in case they damage the buildings. Unfazed Grayson orders the deployment of flame-throwers seeing as bricks don't burn.
Or something.
Unfortunately Reptilicus is busy spitting at anyone who gets too close, so the army can only watch in terror as the beast brazenly bounces toward a massive draw bridge (filled with screaming civilians) in the centre of town.
Terrified by the beast slowly approaching, the bridge controller begins to raise the bridge for no other reason than to give the Danish stunt team something to do.
At least I hope it's the stunt team and not just extras desperate for fame seeing as one of them rides his bicycle of the bridge and plunges about 60 feet into the water below.
Luckily Svend is near by and heroically rushes to the control room and sets the bridge back down allowing the people to flee to safety whilst Reptilicus dives into the water to escape.
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| "I can see your house from here Peter!" |
Grayson and Svend angrily head back to base in order to formulate a plan to destroy Reptilicus once and for all, including suggesting trying to blow him up and collecting the bits before they can grow back and digging a big hole and hoping he falls in.
Grayson being angry and American decides to just go ahead with the whole bombing it idea and is about to order an attack when a slightly peaky Martens stumbles in (propped up by his daughters) to suggest instead that they drug the beast to death instead by firing shells filled with really strong cough medicine directly into the beasts mouth.
And no I'm not making this up.
So the race is on to find enough Calpol to fill the shells and destroy Reptilicus before he trashes the whole city....and beyond.
Billed as Denmark's first ever monster movie featuring a creature to rival Godzilla at the box office, both a Danish and English language version was made simultaneously - the Danish version directed by Poul Bang whilst the English version was directed by the film's American producer (and so-called 'father of 3-D cinema' himself) Sidney W. Pink.
Oh and his 1956 short story "The Racer" was adapted by Paul Bartel as Death Race 2000 (1975).
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