beastmaster.

At a loose end this week as I can't actually leave the house or attend any (really, really important) work type things as I've gone completely deaf (damn you ear- based psoriasis) so I'm cheering myself up with a few good movies.

And this one obviously.*

Nightbeast (1982).

Dir: Don Dohler (with a few scenes by Dave Geatty).

Cast: Tom Griffith, Jamie Zemarel, Karin Kardian, George Stover, Don Leifert, Anne Frith, Eleanor Herman, Richard Dyszel, Greg Dohler, Kim Dohler, Monica Neff, Glenn Barnes, Richard Ruxton, Bump Roberts, Don Dohler, David W. Donoho, Richard Geiwitz, Larry Reichman, Christopher Gummer, Dace Parson and
Richard Nelson.

"Don't call me Bertie!"

Space - the final frontier.

Well it would be if the final frontier were a collection of painted ping-pong balls attached to an old black sheet intercut with slightly out of focus footage from some old NASA videos but beggars can't be choosers which is probably why the 'spaceship' we see hurtling thru' this crap cosmos bears an unsettling resemblance to a Dinky truck sans wheels and painted silver.

Unfortunately the pilot of said craft is way too interested in the surrounding planets to notice the large baked potato hurtling toward him and in a flash of fireworks and kiddies sparklers the spaceship ends up irreparably damaged and  crashing to earth.

To the small town of Perry Hall in Baltimore to be precise.

Think Dudley but with (slightly) better teeth.

The (crash) landing is observed by a group of good ol' boy hunters in the woods who quickly notify the local sheriff, Jack 'The Hat' Cinder (Griffith reprising his role from The Alien Factor) before heading to the wreckage to investigate themselves.

It'll come as no surprise tho' when I tell you that as soon as they approach, a silver jump suited, big toothed beast jumps out and disintegrates them before heading off into the woods to wreak havoc among the locals - killing a couple in their home before murdering a guy (Uncle Dave - a pitch perfect performance from David W. Donoho) whose only crime is having a piss against a tree whilst driving his niece and nephew home.

Obviously the beast kills the kids too but to be honest I was more upset about Dave.

What's that circling Uranus? (sorry).

Realising a scary alien beast is loose in the town (to be fair he has previous) Cinder rounds up a posse - including his 'sexy' blonde deputy Lisa (Kardian - one time hairdresser to Dohler's Auntie, I kid you not) - to go look for it whilst the erstwhile wannabe deputy Jamie (Zemarel, most famous for his role as a bailiff in As The World Turns) heads out to check on his exotic 'lady friend' Suzie (Neff), who is trapped in an abusive relationship with local biker bad boy Drago (Dohler regular Leifert).

And so with everything - and (almost) everyone in place Cinder heads out to a local farmhouse where the creature was last sighted only for most of his trigger happy pals to be zapped into oblivion forcing Cinder to retreat back to the police station and ask local science type Dr Ruth Sherman (producer and actress Frith) and her assistant/son/secret lover and part-time coroner Steven (the legend that is Stover) for help.

Unfortunately Steven reckons they're fucked so Cinder begrudgingly orders the town be evacuated but not before asking local sharpshooter Jimmy Perkins (director Dohler obviously not wanting to miss out on all the fun) and his dad Bill (the brilliantly monikered Bump Roberts) to have one last shot (literally) at killing the creature.

Neff: 'exotic'.

More gun-fun ensues culminating with Jimmy actually managing to hit - and destroy - the creatures disintegration gun, disarming the beast just before he himself is killed.

And with that the creature turns tail and runs into the woods.

 

MONSTA!

 

With the remaining members of the police department - and the postman - beginning the evacuation of the town, Cinder is doing his best to persuade  the local mayor, Bert Wicker (the Internets first horror host, Count Gore De Vol himself, Dyszel) and his vapid assistant Mary Jane (Herman, latter day New York Times bestselling author of Sex with Kings, Sex with the Queen) to cancel a party he's holding for the visiting governor Lenny Embry (Ruxton) that's planned to be held that very evening but the pissed up pair are having none of it and quickly send the sheriff on his way.

 

Paddington.

 

Meanwhile, and with no concern about the scary alien stalking the town, Drago has decided to go and sort out his relationship with Suzie but in a fit of jealous rage inadvertently strangles her before riding off on his BMX with Jamie in hot pursuit.

He soon catches up with him tho' (well he is riding a Grifter) and proceeds to beat the shit out of him, leaving Drago unconscious and covered in mud, sweat and egg before heading back to the sheriff's office to see if anyone else is in need of a fucking good beating.

 

"Laugh now!"

 
Anyway, back at the alien-based plot we find Steven and Ruth busying themselves trying to find a way to kill the beast using any information they've gathered, which seems to be that he likes going to discos (his outfit suggests this), he's a shit driver (hence the crash) and judging by his teeth must be British which in all honesty doesn't give them much to work on but does give the creature a reason to attack their office where, after hiding in the basement Steven electrocutes the beast with some dodgy electrical wires causing it to flee the building whilst screaming like a Democrat on election night.

Too soon?

Back in the woods Cinder and Lisa have come across (not in that way, you've got a mind like a sewer) a mutilated body but whilst checking it for ID (and loose change) the creature stumbles out of the trees and tries to eat them.

Luckily the pair manage to escape but not before Cinder suffers some nasty chafing on his inner thigh.

Luckily Lisa is also a first aider so takes him to her house to patch him up and also have 'the sex'. 

Easy tiger.

 

"Is it in yet?"

 

Back at Mayor Wicker's house the party is in full swing, much to Jamie's chagrin, you see he's decided that if he's upset then no-one else should be having a good time either so after scoffing 14 scotch eggs he forces out a terrible fart then proceeds to tell everyone there's a poison gas leak from the nearby mine causing everyone to flee in panic. 

And in some cases flee in cars.

Wicker and Mary Jane, upset with how the evening has turned out, stay behind tho' (well it is his house) and decided to get drunk instead.

Which is fair enough I guess.

And with that Jamie heads back to the sheriff's office to see who else he can annoy.

"Can you smell petrol?"

Finding out that Jamie has left Wicker and Mary Jane home alone (and hoping for a furtive glimpse of lady garden, probably) Steven decides to go and bring them to the - relative - safety of the sheriff's office,  unfortunately the beast has beaten him to it, first bludgeoning Mary Jane to death in the basement before beheading Wicker in the pantry.

Which is nice.

It's almost the climax so needing all the surviving characters to be together, Cinder and Lisa soon arrive followed by Ruth and Jamie who suggests electrocuting the creature using the high-voltage cables from the nearby power plant, a plan that Steven, remembering his electrical-based shenanigans from earlier agrees with.

And with that they all drive out to the power plant to begin running the cables to Wickers house.

And maybe have a picnic. 

Still no idea why they just didn't lure it to the actual power station and kill it there tho' and save them the effort.

Unfortunately Drago is already there and hiding in the portaloo ready to pounce.

And pounce he does, first slapping Ruth and then kicking Cinder on his sore leg.

The rotter.

Luckily for our hero tho' Jamie turns up in the nick of time and shoots Drago dead.

 

Dave Grohl: tunnel or funnel?

Quickly returning to Wicker's house our heroes begin setting the trap but the creature is lying in wait....

Will they succeed in beating the beast? 

Did I mean that to sound so rude?

Will Cinder and Lisa's relationship work out?

Will there ever be another director as great as Don Dohler?

From Don Dohler, director of some of the greatest lo-fi sci-fi horror yarns ever made comes this semi-sequel to his 1978 hit The Alien Factor, featuring as it does much of the same cast (with a few returning characters thrown in), much of the same plot and luckily enough much of the same joy and absolute love of films and film-making that we came to expect from from the great man's work.

Seriously, what it lacks in polish, acting talent or budget (seriously it only cost $14,000 to make and most of that went on bottles of Just For Men, tho' they ran out when they got to Tom Griffith) it more than makes up for with sheer, unadulterated fun and charm.

Plus it gave good old Star Wars botherer J.J. Abrams his big break (and first onscreen credit) in movies for his fart-tastic synth score for which we can all be grateful.

Possibly.

I mean we wouldn't have The Rise of Skywalker without this.

And, bizarrely enough it ended up being classified as a "Section 3" Video Nasty in the UK  for some unknown reason (maybe Tom Griffith's buttocks were too sexy for British audiences?) meaning that although never prosecuted, it was a real pain in the arse to actually watch this as a kid.

Which quite honestly was probably a good thing as I really can't imagine serious 12 year old film fan me (I have previous) being able to actually appreciate the genuine love Dohler and co. had not just for film-making but the horror genre in general.

Plus any movie featuring George Stover is guaranteed to be at least 75% more enjoyable than one without him.

And to think, at this point in his career Dohler was happy just producing, handing the directorial reigns over to Dave Geatty (famous for his portrayal of 'man in bar' in The Alien Factor), luckily for the viewer Geatty had no idea what he was doing and after spending half the budget on a tracking shot that ended up being out of focus Dohler stepped in, giving us what is probably his greatest movie and the greatest scene featuring a flabby, pale man-ass ever committed to celluloid.

I'm looking at you Tom Griffith.

And to think he actually insisted on doing a nude sex scene, even going as far as asking (begging?) Karin Kardian to do it with him.

Surprisingly she agreed tho' I don't know if we should be thankful or not.

Answers on a postcard to the usual address.

Ready Brek.

 

Perfect Friday night fodder and the kind of movie this blog was made for....if you're not a fan of Dohler's work then be warned, you will be after this.

*Only joking it's fucking fantastic.