people you fancy but shouldn't (part 110).

Mimi Heinrich, the pixie-esque, fright fringed star of Blændværk - where she became famous as the first ever nude actress in a Danish movie.

 Outside Denmark she was mostly known for her roles in the cult movies Reptilicus and Journey to the Seventh Planet as well as being a perfect genetic melding of Noomi Rapace and Bjork. 

 

dragon's den.

With it being the holidays I'm spending the week drunkenly eating rubbish whilst gorging myself on great movies.

And this one.

Reptilicus (1961).

Dir: Danish version: Poul Bang, English version: Sidney W. Pink

Cast: Carl Ottosen as General Mark Grayson, Ann Smyrner, Mimi Heinrich, Asbjørn Andersen, Bodil Miller (or Marla Behrens), Bent Mejding as Svend Viltorft
Povl Wøldike as Dr. Peter Dalby
Dirch Passer as Peterson
Ole Wisborg as Captain Brandt
Claus Toksvig as himself as himself, Jens Due

 

“We're not accustomed to seeing such a beautiful woman connected to science!”

 

Our story begins “somewhere in the forbidding Arctic tundra of Lapland” where, bizarrely enough, a hunky band of dishy Danish miners (in short sleeves, I mean how tough are they?) are busy we are told - via a fairly sexy it has to be said from our soon-to-be heroic lead, General Mark Grayson - taking loads of core samples (no me neither) whilst doing a variety of complicated things with a huge Meccano set.

Or at least they would be if it wasn't broken. 

Scraping shite off the drill head and picking old condoms and broken Buckfast bottles out of the pipe head miner Svend Viltorft (Mejding) discovers that a huge chunk of floppy, bloodied meat surrounded by bits of bone has jammed the drill and stopped it working.

And bizarrely the meat is still fresh.

As if from a living creature.

Yowzers.

Quickly realizing that you don't usually find the remains of someones Sunday lunch (or in fact bits of the person eating it) whilst digging for oil, Svend decides to the take the bits to the University Of Stuff Found Whilst Drilling in the picturesque city of Copenhagen to ask the esteemed Professor Martens (ball-faced actor, director and founder member of ABBA Andersen) and his associate, Dr. Dalby (pervy of specs but high of hair Wøldike) what they make of it.

The fact that Svend has been surrounded by big burly men for six months and that Martens has two daughters - blonde bombshell Lise (Boots make-up counter server wannabe Smyrner) and the utterly hatstand but totally adorable Karen (the pixie-esque, fright fringed star of Blændværk - where she became famous as the first ever nude actress in a Danish movie - and my latest cinema obsession Heinrich) has nothing to do with his choice of expert obviously. 

Heinrich: maneuver.

Remember tho' no science fiction monster movie is complete without a plucky newspaper reporter to make up the numbers (which is a shame but hey ho) so enter - roughly and from behind Pease Morghann (Due) who will spend the rest of the film suggestively sucking on the tip of a pencil and pouting.

Popping the sample in a big bath, Martens surmises that the chuck of flesh actually comes from a still living creature and by slowly adding cold water and bubblebath to the mix they can probably find out exactly what species it actually is, which if I'm honest sounds a wee bit more complicated than just heading back to the site and digging the rest of it up.

Actually in the cold harsh light of day it sounds absolute bollocks.

But what do I know, I draw shit for a living. 

And with that Martens leaves Dalby to keep an eye on things whilst his (aforementioned) daughters paw violently at Svend as the foursome head out into town for a handy Copenhagen travelogue.

"Are you looking at my bra?"

Whilst all this sightseeing, flirting and eating is going down, the universities night watchman, Peter Peterson (wild eyed Danish comedy god and real-life Mater, Passer) is left in charge of making sure the samples temperature stays constant whilst Dalby busies himself doodling cocks in all the text books.

Probably.
 

I mean if I'm honest this whole section is just an excuse for some top knockabout comedy as Peterson hilariously bumps into various bits of furniture before amusingly fingering an electric eel.

No, really.

He did WHAT in his cup?

After all this eel molestation, Peterson sneaks off for a crafty wank leaving Dalby to fall asleep at his desk after not closing the lab door properly which causes - yep, you guessed it - the sample to go all warm and mushy.
 

Martens is understandably fairly pissed off by this turn of events but just as he's about to thrash Dalby with his belt Lise points out that the warm air appears to have made the chunky flesh lump grow.

Yup, whatever the thing in the lab is, it's now regenerating.

Realising that this is well above their pay-grade, Dalby and Martens request the help of world famous UNESCO troubleshooter Connie Miller (Behrens or Miller depending which version you're watching) who upon arrival, just stands around looking concerned whilst Martens rubs his thighs and generally leches over her.

Luckily she has the studly (and aforementioned) American General Mark Grayson (tiny-eyed Ottosen, best know as Kommissær Boucard from the 1972 TV movie Hotel Paradiso - not that one -  fact fans) to protect her from any unwanted advances, which is lucky as he's seems to serve no other purpose to the plot at this point, I mean not even his superiors have told him why he's there so as it is he just stands around in a jaunty hat looking either angry or confused.

Exactly like the viewers.

 

Behrens or Miller - Tunnel or funnel?

 

Good old Martens manages to calm the General down tho, by informing him that everything will be explained at the press conference being held in the canteen that very afternoon and, if he behaves himself - not shouting at or shooting anyone, his daughters will take him out on a double date alongside his Dutch counterpart Captain Joe Brandt (Wisborg, who you may recognise from the saucy 1970 Danish/ American sexploitation epic Daddy Darling).

So pay attention cos here's the science part.

It seems that using 'the science', Martens and Dalby have invented a special nutrient mix that, when fed into the bath will enable them to control the creatures growth and make sure it doesn't grow to giant size and destroy the city.

Barring electrical storms obviously.

Oh yes and the creature now has a name. 

Ladies and gentlemen please welcome Reptilicus Martenus.

Or Steven as he's known to his friends. 

Cue one of those spinney headline scenes so beloved of the time.

"Boiled onions!"

Not everyone is happy with the news tho' as grumpy Grayson soon realises that he's been assigned to lead the lizard tail protection squad, meaning he's gonna be expected to stand in the corner of the office for a few weeks staring angrily at Peterson as he performs various comedy turns whilst Lise and Karen take it in turns rubbing their crotches up and down his leg.

So it's not all bad then.

Especially Peterson's genius sandwich-based microscope routine when he puts a bit of his sandwich under the aforementioned microscope before peering thru the eye-piece only to be so horrified by the teeny tiny microbes on it that he burps really loudly in disgust.

Comedy gold I'm sure you'll agree.

Insert cock here.

As you can probably tell, the films pace can be best described as leisurely.

Anyway after more hi-jinks, more grumpiness from Grayson, extra flirting from Lise and Karen things of an actual monster movie style nature eventually start to happen when Marten's orders them to pour even more nutrient fluid into the tank causing the beast to start bubbling and growing before quickly cutting to yet another travelogue as the cast head out to enjoy a musical cabaret featuring none other than Danish top entertainer and former Eurovision entry Birthe Wilke who wows the crowd with her timeless classic Tivoli Nights.

No really.

Birthe Wilke: Ask your granddad.

But as all this singing, boozing and furtive fondling is going on a storm is brewing over downtown Copenhagen causing Reptilicus to totally regenerate and escape from his tank.

Tho' not that quickly obviously as the whole thing is intercut with even more comedy pratfalls, sleeping scientists and drinking alongside a vaguely amusing sequence where Peterson attempts to ride his bike to the police station for help whilst Dalby waves a gun around for some reason.

"Laugh now!"

All this beast-based chaos gives Grayson a chance to shine, so he wastes no time setting up a 'command centre' in an old school gym and surround himself with the best scientific and military minds he can (well all of those not good enough to join Doctor Who's UNIT, Dad's Army or even Hogan's Heroes obviously) whilst covering the walls with maps from the local school.

Laugh all you like but this course of action seems to work and they soon receive a phone call informing them that Reptilicus has been spotted shouting abuse at a field full of cows on a small farm just off the coast.
 

Cue shit-loads of stock footage of soldiers jumping into trucks and riding around in  jeeps whilst carefully polishing large pieces of field artillery, all cut to a triumphant 'umpa' score.

Seriously I'm hard just thinking about it.

Well, thinking about that and Mimi Heinrich if I'm honest.

 

"Spice Girls number one for Christmas...MONSTA!"

Upon arrival at the farm our heroes find Reptilicus hiding in a barn (his tail is sticking out which gives him away) and Grayson gives the order to open fire giving the director to present us with even more stock footage intercut with shots of a threadbare dinosaur puppet vomiting cartoon-acid-spit in the general direction of the where the soldiers would be if any of this were in any way real or competently made.

But Reptilicus soon gets bored of all these stock footage based shenanigans (either that or the director found editing together action sequences way too complex) and decides to fuck off to the beach in the hope of scaring some topless sunbathers whilst a visibly annoyed (or is that aroused?) Grayson shakes his fist whilst exclaiming that “It's scales are like armor plates!” before realising that this'd be a good excuse to call in the big guns.

And by big guns I mean Svend armed with a flamethrower sitting in a jeep.

So with that in place the pair ride off toward the beach desperately trying to ignite the flame with a knock-off Zippo.

 

 

"You ain't see me right?"

Bizarrely the flame-thrower works (probably because Reptilicus is constructed from paper-mache) causing the creature to holler in pain before fucking off under the sea.

Heading back to the lab, Grayson and Martens reckon it'd be a good idea to do a wee bit of research regarding Reptilicus so to this end decide to consult a childrens dinosaur book (no really) and quickly come to the conclusion that Reptilicus is a kind of mutant brontosaurus cum elephant and is therefore the missing link 'tween  reptile and mammals.

Seems legit.

And with this new information Grayson orders the entire Danish navy to patrol the sea looking for it because that's where elephants hang out obviously. 

Cue even more military stock footage as pages of a calendar flick forward to show the passage of time intercut with various shots of behatted sailors peering thru' binoculars.

Just when you think the remainder of the film is just going to consist of grainy stock footage and angry men staring till everyone dies of boredom, Grayson receives a message that Reptilicus has been found snoozing in a local bay (next to a kids model boat obviously) and quickly orders a barrage of depth charges be dropped on the sleeping beast.

But as the attack begins Martens realises that if they manage to blow up Reptilicus each chunk of flesh will grow into a new monster, so he sprints down to the beach in order to stop the attack. 

Unfortunately all the excitement causes him to suffer a massive heart attack.

I assume it's a heart attack as by judging his facial contortions it could actually be a massive cum.

I mean he is Danish after all.

Anyway as luck would have it tho' Connie comes to exactly the same conclusion at almost the same time and quickly warns Grayson, who after much huffing and puffing calls off the attack but not before one of the charges explodes right beside Reptilicus causing his right paw to drop off and sink to the ocean floor.

This may be important later.

With Lise and Karen off to visit the hospital with Connie it's left to Grayson and Svend to, if not hold the fort, then at least hold up a variety of maps and photos of local tourist spots where Reptilicus may surface next in between sleeping at their desks.

For what seems like hours. Again.

All this serious staring is interrupted (thank fuck) when Brandt bursts in to announce that a Swedish trawler has reported being attacked by Reptilicus.

As is the way by now, we don't actually get to see the attack but we are treated to some top quality stock footage of capsized boats and the like as Grayson (in a grave voice-over) explains that Reptilicus strikes so quickly that no-one ever sees him till it's too late, leaving only a trail of death and destruction as evidence he was ever there.

Which is really lucky for the effects crew if I'm honest.

 

"Do you think he'll swallow me whole?" "No he'll spit that bit out!"

Anyway we're soon back to a beach (I'm assuming it's a different one but to be honest I don't really care) where dozens of holidaymakers are enjoying a a wee bit of frolicking fun without a single worry about the giant monster that's in the news destroying shit and killing folk on a daily basis - which just goes to show how fucking hard the Danish actually are.

 Everything is going swimmingly until that is a loved up pair sneak off behind a rock for a wee bit of kissing and the like only to accidentally bump into Reptilicus and wake him up by accidentally sitting on his snout.

Reptilicus responds by spewing even more acidic spit on them before attempting to eat everyone on the beach as the army race to the rescue only to see the creature fly off into the distance.

Destination?

Copenhagen!

The government order for the residents to stay indoors is met with fairly impressive footage of literally hundreds of folk running around the streets in panic - except for the fair few waving at the camera and smiling obviously - as the might of the Danish military take up positions beside various touristy landmarks ready for action.

Expecting the films leisurely pace to continue I half imagined this scene to carryy on for at least an hour but surprisingly Reptilicus appears within a minute or so, popping his head up from behind a nearby church giving Grayson the chance to shout "Fire at will!” at anyone who'll listen.

This would probably be a good idea if someone didn't point out to Grayson that they can't use anything bigger than a machine gun in case they damage the buildings. Unfazed Grayson orders the deployment of flame-throwers seeing as bricks don't burn.

Or something.

Unfortunately Reptilicus is busy spitting at anyone who gets too close, so the army can only watch in terror as the beast brazenly bounces toward a massive draw bridge (filled with screaming civilians) in the centre of town.

Terrified by the beast slowly approaching, the bridge controller begins to raise the bridge for no other reason than to give the Danish stunt team something to do.

At least I hope it's the stunt team and not just extras desperate for fame seeing as one of them rides his bicycle of the bridge and plunges about 60 feet into the water below.

Luckily Svend is near by and heroically rushes to the control room and sets the bridge back down allowing the people to flee to safety whilst Reptilicus dives into the water to escape.

 

"I can see your house from here Peter!"

 

Grayson and Svend angrily head back to base in order to formulate a plan to destroy Reptilicus once and for all, including suggesting trying to blow him up and collecting the bits before they can grow back and digging a big hole and hoping he falls in.

Grayson being angry and American decides to just go ahead with the whole bombing it idea and is about to order an attack when a slightly peaky Martens stumbles in (propped up by his daughters) to suggest instead that they drug the beast to death  instead by firing shells filled with really strong cough medicine directly into the beasts mouth.

And no I'm not making this up.

So the race is on to find enough Calpol to fill the shells and destroy Reptilicus before he trashes the whole city....and beyond.

Billed as Denmark's first ever monster movie featuring a creature to rival Godzilla at the box office, both a Danish and English language version was made simultaneously -  the Danish version directed by Poul Bang whilst the English version was directed by the film's American producer (and so-called 'father of 3-D cinema' himself) Sidney W. Pink.

 

And whilst both versions feature an almost identical cast (save for Bodil Miller replacing Marla Behrens as she couldn't speak English, or is it the other way round?), the American version was deemed virtually unreleasable by American International Pictures (and if you've seen some of their output you can imagine how shite it must have been) so was hastily reworked by Danish-American novelist, short-story writer, film producer and film director, Ib Melchior.

 

Melchior, for those of you who don't know/care wrote and directed The Angry Red Planet (1959) and The Time Travelers (1964) as well as co-writing Robinson Crusoe on Mars (1964) and Journey to the Seventh Planet (1962) as well as writing the English language script for Mario Bava's Planet of the Vampires (1965) and (allegedly) creating Lost in Space.

Oh and his 1956 short story "The Racer" was adapted by Paul Bartel as Death Race 2000 (1975).

 

So we should be really terrified at what state the original was in if this was deemed not only better but actually releasable.

 

Here come the Belgians!
 

 

Obviously Pink wasn't too happy with this situation and threatened to sue AIP but he quickly dropped the case when AIP played their trump card and screened his version for their - and his - lawyers.

 

Ouch.

 

So, is it any good?

 

In a word, no.

 

But is it enjoyable?

 

Hell yes.

 

True the effects can hardly be called special - or even effects for that matter - and the plot kinda meanders all over the place with it's bizarre travelogue moments and musical interludes but the cast are great (especially Mimi Heinrich) and once you get used to the aforementioned leisurely pace of the movie (and get enough snacks together to keep you going) then you'll be in for a surprising treat.

 

Recommended holiday hi-jinks.

slay ride.

A festive film favourite with the kids for you now.....

Black Christmas (AKA Silent Night, Evil Night, Stranger in the House 1974).
Dir: Bob Clark.
Cast: Olivia Hussey, Keir Dullea, Margot Kidder, John Saxon, Michael Rapport, Lynne Griffin, Marian Waldman and Andrea Martin.

If this movie doesn't make your skin crawl... It's On Too Tight! (is that even physically possible?)

Tis the season to be jolly, there's snow on the ground, love in the air, the smell of chestnuts roasting and in a sorority house at the world famous Baldpate University of Clever Clogs, many of the female students - including badgirl Barb and the virginal Jess - (a pre-mentalism Kidder and the pony faced Hussey) have been receiving a series of obscene phone calls from a strange perv nicknamed The Moaner.

You'll probably remember that's why your dad got sacked from The Samaritans.

Being a horror movie tho' no one takes his calls seriously, with a few of the saucier students (hands up Barb - tho' not literally, a couple of fingers would suffice) - actually looking forward to his nightly messages, that is until the night when Jess hears the screams and gasps of a woman in the background.

Calling her friends to listen in it's not long before Barb is threatening The Moaner with a severe buggering only to have him reply that he's going to kill her to death and with that he hangs up and the girls go about their business.

Which in this case is packing for the Christmas holidays.


Which as slasher fans will know is as good a cue as any for the bad murders to start.

"Try and shite in mah mooth now you bastard!"

And start they do when cutesy Co-ed Clare Harrison (Griffin from the brilliant Curtains which I'm sure I'd reviewed once but it seems to have been deleted which is a pity as I remember it being a lot better written than this) becomes moaners first victim, a plastic bag wrapped around her head as shes dragged to the attic and sat in a rocking chair.

Obviously the killer knows a cool poster image when he sees one.

The following morning, Clare's dad George arrives to pick up his daughter but she doesn't show up he quickly heads over to the sorority house to, if not find her then at least get a glimpse of Lois Lane's stocking tops.

Well it is Christmas.

Unfortunately the only thrill he gets is a peek at housekeeper Mrs. MacHenry's (world's shittest superhero Waldman) infeasibley large hat.

And that is worth the R rating alone if I'm honest.

Meanwhile Jess is meeting up with her neurotic musician boyfriend, Peter (2001's Dullea saddled with really crap hair) to tell him that she's pregnant and thinking about having an abortion.

Which is nice and festive.

Peter, being a 70s type of guy gets a wee bit angry and shouts at poor Jess before stomping off in a huff giving us an excuse to see what good old Mr. Harrison is up to in the search for his daughter.

Well him, Barb and Phyllis (Kim Possible voice-over actress Martin, who also appeared in the remake too don't you know) are busy at the police station try to get tough as nails cop Lieutenant Kenneth 'Horse Cock' Fuller (Saxon - nuff said) to form a search party and look for the missing girl.

John Saxon receives a call from his agent

offering him the lead in Cannibal Apocalypse.

Unfortunately he's a wee bit busy as another girl, Janis, has also vanished while walking home from school and seeing as she's much younger (and cuter) the police would rather look for her.

Which is fair enough I guess.

Barb, overly upset by her friends disappearance, gets drunk leaving Mr. Harrison, Jess,and Phyllis free to visit the local park where Janis was last seen.

Adding even more stress to the situation is the fact that Mrs. MacHenry can't seem to place her pussy and between that and packing to go to her sister's for Christmas is causing all manner of problems for the housemates.

It's great to get your priorities right isn't it?

Luckily after following a faint 'meowing' noise she finds her precious moggy in the attic, unfortunately she also finds the killer, who promptly wedges a hook in her face.

Which is nice.

Obviously on a gore-filled frenzy after seeing how great the face stabbing effect looked, it's only a matter of time before Janis' mutilated body is found, upsetting Jess to a point where she has to go home to bed.

Poor lamb.

"Hallo? French Polishers?

you might just save my life!"

As the others continue their search continues for Clare, Jess receives yet another obscene phone call and this time decides to report it to the police but as she does Peter turns up to beg her to marry him.

Jess refuses and Peter storms off in a huff just as Lieutenant Fuller arrives to bug the telephone.

As in put a recording device on it, not hassle it over unpaid bills etc.

With the movie rushing (albeit leisurely) toward its climax, Fuller pools all his resources in an attempt to stop the moaners reign of, er..moaning, unfortunately this appears to involve standing around in the street looking tough whilst holding a megaphone whilst eyeing up carol singers.

"Boiled onions!"

And it's the dulcet tones of these carol singers - who just happen to be visiting Jess' house at the time) that the mysterious killer decides to use as cover as he continues his reign of terror, firstly stabbing Barb to death with a handy statue before murdering Phyllis too.

But Fuller is hot on his trail and has managed to trace the moaners calls.

And they're coming from inside the house.

It seems that Fuller had totally forgotten that there was an extension built onto the sorority house and that the killer could happily hide there, listening to peoples conversations and phone calls.

It's like a nightmare version of Homes Under The Hammer.

Ringing the house Fuller warns Jessica to leave immediately and wait for him outside but, being a girl she gets lost on the way from the living room to the front door and heads upstairs (armed with a poker at least) instead where - surprise - she is jumped on by the killer.

Managing to escape she runs back downstairs completely missing the front door (again) and heads into the basement where she bumps into her grumpy boyfriend Peter, whom she is convinced is the killer for no other reason than he wants to marry her.

What a bastard.

And as he approaches her to talk Jessica bludgeons him to death with the poker.

Ouch.

The lights are on.

The police arrive to find her hunched over Peters body and decide that the case is closed - It's possibly their Christmas night out so understandably they want to get everything down as soon as - so you can imagine the conversation between Fuller and his men; "Aye, that Peter was a wee bit angry with his girlfriend not wanting to marry him so he must be the killer and the fact that we've found his aforementioned estranged girlfriend leaning over him holding a bloody poker means it must have been him! Right! mines a Babycham!".

Sorted.

They pack up the bodies, clean up the blood and bid their farewells to Jess, leaving her alone (in a major crime scene) to sleep off the excitement of her friends being murdered and killing her boyfriend.

But as we cut to the attic one last time we discover that there are two dead bodies that have yet to be found and as a man's voice whispers out thru' the darkness the phone begins to ring.....

Possibly the first of the modern 'slasher' cycle made famous by Halloween and Friday The 13th, the late, great Bob Clark's genre defining Black Christmas is unfortunately overlooked by all but the most rabid horror fans and Clark himself is better known for his seminal holiday classic A Christmas Story and Porky's than for this and the fantastic Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things.

Which is a shame as Black Christmas has much to offer, not just of historical interest but as a darn good frightener in its own right.

Featuring a decidedly eclectic cast—from Superman's Margot Kidder to cult stalwart John Saxon via the Star Child himself Keir Dullea as well as many shots and set ups that would become genre mainstays, Clark's movie deserves to be sought out by any self respecting film fan if only to see where the stalk and slash genre started.

As well as to have a bloody good laugh at the haircuts and trousers obviously.

It's not too late to rush out and buy it to watch on Christmas Eve, tho' make sure you don't pick up the shite 2006 remake by mistake.

most taunted.

A work college recommended this lo-fi found footage epic t'other day as they said it was a fairly spooky movie made much more entertaining by the added perv gurning.

I've absolutely no idea what that means by the way.

The Possession of Michael King (2014).
Dir: David Jung.
Cast:  Shane Johnson, Cara Pifko, Dale Dickey, Julie McNiven and The Devil.

Photofit everyman Michael King (Johnson, famous for his role as Soldier on the Beach in Saving Private Ryan) is a groovy documentary film maker with a beautiful wife, poppet daughter and a healthy disregard for anything paranormal or religious based.

Yup he's a cool headed, science is king kinda guy.

Which would be great if the movie was anything other than a possession themed one, which alas it isn't.

You see things started going a wee bit awry for our film making mucker when his wife Samantha (voice artist Pifko from The Clone Wars), canceling her holiday plans on the advice of a psychic named Beverly (road map faced Dickey) is tragically killed in an accident.

There is a wee bit of good news tho' when it transpires that it was pissing down with rain the week they'd planned to go to Blackpool anyway.

Silver linings and all that.

Blaming Beverly for his wife's death whilst cultivating a rather fetching five o'clock shadow Michael decides to channel his grief not into the usual pattern of tearful masturbation sessions followed by a couple of Pot Noodles but
into making a documentary regarding his personal quest to discredit not just psychics but anything and anyone supernatural related.

Including Yvette Fielding and Mystic Meg, who if I'm honest I'd thought had died years ago.

Which in fact she had.

But not when this film was made.

Time is funny like that.

Yvette: Tunnel or funnel?

Anyway with his best buddy on camera duty Michael takes on the role of narrator cum whipping boy with relish diving head first into every kind of paranormal activity he can find; from chatting to asthmatic ex-priests to taking part in a demon summoning, spunk guzzling drug orgy via a corpse bothering undertakers unusual pre-burial practices, our hero throws himself into the bizarrest aspects of the supernatural with the gusto of Peter Murrell spotting a bargain camper van.

Or a luxury £95000 Jaguar.

Probably.

Which is all well and good (not to say admittedly well done) until that is he discovers that he may well have become possessed by an actual bone fide demon.

And one with an unhealthy ant fetish to boot.

King: Prawn or spring rolls?

Cue sixty odd minutes of our eponymous hero having acid-style flashbacks and growling at his daughter, attempting to do impressions of old man Steptoe
into a night vision camera, scratching himself in inappropriate places whilst vainly trying to touch up his sister Beth whilst she sleeps.

Saying that tho' she is played by the yumsome ginger goddess that is Doom Patrol's Julie McNiven so you can understand why, possessed or not.

Plus he's gentleman enough to pull her nightie down when he's finished which kinda makes it OK as far as the film is concerned.

"Don't leave me 'Arold....."

Is this a real case of possession or just a grieving widows slow decent into madness?

Will the rash on his tummy ever clear up?

Are the ants CGI or especially trained?

And most importantly will he fuck his sister?

Or yours?

BOO!

Writer director Jung shows some real promise and a flair for good old fashioned frights with this his debut movie, creating some genuine creepy moments (the psychiatrist office and Satanist celebration scenes to name but two)  before the whole film rapidly degenerates into a horribly cliched possession by numbers found footage laugharama resplendent with comedy gurning and embarrassing 'Boo!' effects that cheapen the whole experience causing it to hemorrhage viewer interest like a haemophiliac child at a self harm convention.

Which is a shame because the film could be so much more.

You can almost forgive it when a quite frankly scary plot twist seems imminent (that Michael is actually being possessed by his dead wife) but this turns out to be just the demon showing off his comedy voices.

Perhaps the demon of bad film-making entered David Jung during the shoot and deliberately sabotaged  the movie for fear of it telling the truth about demonic possession?

"It could be yooooouuuuuuu!"

Actually this makes some sort of sense, I mean how else can you explain how the ultra-real, show stealing performance from Shane Johnson suddenly goes from showing a genuinely warm believable character to an end of the pier panto villain with the flick of a light switch?

It's Last Exorcism syndrome all over again.

If anyone could remember it.

And on that bombshell can we at least have a person possessed by a demon that isn't a contortionist at some point in the future?

I mean the effect is good and all but it really became tiresome during The Devil Inside and that was nearly fifty years ago.

Here's an idea, how about a demon that does a slightly different circus skill?

Like balloon modeling or uni-cycling?

Now that would be scary.

shitty titty bang ban.

Re-reviewing this classic partly because I'm bored but mainly because the original review was blocked by Blogger due to someone saying it contained real violence.

Which is nice.

To be honest it's partly the reason the Arena has been a wee bit quiet of late as it seems to be getting targeted by dozens of reports/complaints/inappropriate content warnings.

No idea who I've fucked off but heyho at least it makes them happy.

Simon....Bates.

Anyway as some of you might be aware, around this time of year I usually visit the Fatherland to catch up with the infamous Lord Jay, he of the Mad Foxes/masturbation story and proud owner of genuine quads for Razorback and A Nightmare On Elm Street (yes we are both THAT old, we even saw Evil Dead 2 and Day of the Dead at the cinema on the first day of release).

Unfortunately I've not been able to do that this year due to work stuff, illness and the crushing mundanes of modern life tho' it did get me wondering if I could ever find a modern(ish) equivalent of the Foxes that I could secretly pop into the post to him so that he could relive those heady days of untamed gore and unacceptable levels of sexual violence, but this time without the fears of parents walking in mid shandy.

My friends, I may have found it.

In our local Chinese restaurant of all places, whilst ordering our wedding anniversary meal, in a pile of VCD's on the counter.

Right next to the signed piccie of Jordan Chan.

On the downside it didn't have any subtitles so excuse any inconsistencies (or stuff just made up for 'comedy' effect) herein.

Leng xue ren lang (AKA Laang huet yan long, Cold Blooded Ape, The Bloody Beast, Horrible Mr. Tits, 1994).

Dir: Tak-Sing Tam and Chuen Yueng.
Cast: Lawrence Ng, Ka-Kui Ho, Siu-Ming Lau, and many others who should know better but not, surprisingly Anthony Wong who must have been busy or, God forbid, too expensive for this film.

Sickest thing about this is the logo colour scheme.

Bowl haired sad sack Chen Siu-Hsiong (Ng, the far eastern yet surprisingly less angular equivalent of Steve Carrell but with better hair) has had a pretty bad time of it in life.

You see after his dear mum die giving birth to his sister Ling, he's spent his entire life running around after both her and his sweaty piss stained father giving him no time to do normal stuff like look for a job, make friends, change his vest etc. leading to him becoming the laughing stock of the town and the perfect target for the bullying local children.

Even his dear old dad thinks he's an arse.

I know the feeling.

But if that wasn't enough to get him labeled 'Freaky Chen' by the local populace then the fact that a humiliating boyhood experience involving his auntie and breastfeeding has left him with a fetish for young, ample breasted mums just might.

Hmmm....this is beginning to sound quite autobiographical.

Probably.

Insert amusing caption here.

With that infodump out of the way it's time to start the movie good n' proper and with poor Chen banged up in prison and attempting to commit suicide by swallowing the contents of a dozen boxes of Persil washed down with his own urine.

Being the unlucky sod that he is tho', this - and further attempts on his life utilizing stuff like shoelaces, mousetraps, moldy bread etc - all lead to nowt, so pausing only to bite off a policeman's ear, Chen decides to sit nicely and share why he's been locked up for in the first place.

Pardon?

Cue the good old fashioned wibbly wobbly flashback effect which takes us via the power of the basic dissolve to Chen's bedroom where our misunderstood hero likes nothing better than to relax by masturbating over seventies breasted porn magazines whilst burning thru' the pictures of ladies front bums with a ciggie.

Which is unusual (if not a wee bit dangerous) to say the least.

I know what you're thinking, he just needs to lay off the constant wankfest, get out more and meet a real girl, that'd sort him out.

Well don't worry, because he already has.

Unfortunately, the girl of his (very wet n' wild) dreams is his sister.

So when he's not spunking like a beast and mutilating magazines, he's hiding in the cupboard spying on his sister bathing or when she's 'having the sex' with her hunky beau.

Whilst tearfully masturbating obviously.

Followed of course by a Pot Noodle.

Thinking about it in today's climate he'd probably be applauded for it and given his own TeeVee show whilst she'd be hounded as a bigot.

But I would never say that.

Jackie Chan, up the casino, 1983....YESCH.

After much deliberation (and a wee bit more wanking) or hero decides that all this younger sister/masturbation/dreams of genital mutilation stuff he's obsessed with is possibly a wee bit unhealthy (you think so?) so reckons that a couple of long, lazy country walks will clear his head and take his mind of things.

Amazingly this seems to do the trick, until that is, one afternoon whilst sitting minding his own business Chen spots a woman breastfeeding her baby in an idyllic forest clearing.

Thinking it'd be a waste of an erection not to do anything about it he has a wee shufty around to make sure the coast is clear before pleasuring himself in the afternoon sun.

It's getting quite romantic now isn't it?

Some soapy girls in spa tub yesterday.

Forgetting all about his sister (who is, if I'm honest fairly whiny, even if she does look not bad all soaped up) Chen starts to spend more and more time on his walks hoping for a quick flash of mummy pillow action.

Unfortunately it's not long before he's wanting to take an, ahem, more (much more) active role in the baby feeding process and to this end, armed only with his favourite DIY hammer, Chen sets off on a quest for breast.

You can so see where this is going can't you?

A very different type of 'cracking one off'.

Searching high and low for the perfect perky breasts Chen soon comes across (not in that way, well not yet) a chubby, pigtailed young mum minding her own business on a bench.

Unfortunately there's a babies massive head blocking his view.

Not to worry tho' because with a swift swing of his hammer and a great left foot the screaming bundle of joy is soon dispatched over a hedge leaving Chen free to gorge himself on mothers milk before murdering his victim.

And then having a quick diddle with the corpse.

Obviously.

Well it is a CAT III film so what do you expect?

"Are you the EU? We've had a referendum by mistake!"

Cashing in on the success of Lewis Herman Yau‘s classics of exploitation, Bunman and Yi boh laai beng duk (AKA Ebola Syndrome - both starring mentalist for hire Anthony Wong - Tak-Sing Tam and Chuen Yueng's epic exercise in bad taste is the kind of movie that any self respecting 14 year old living in 80's Britain would kill to own.

Tho' teenagers today would probably kill each other for a bag of sweets - I blame violent video games myself.

So I had the choice of a graphic image depicting
violence against women and children or a
picture of a woman taunting an angry dog....no contest really.

But it's not all boobs and bloodshed tho' because Leng xue ren lang is also chock full of quality 'comedy' turns - mainly from the clichéd fat and thin police duo you always get in HK thrillers - and it's the film's detective duo that steal every scene they're in with their one note performances and habit of dispensing either comedy one liners whilst administering severe beatings to various suspects and occasionally falling over in an amusing manner.

Best of all is a scene when, after recovering a sample of Chen's sperm from one of his victims arses - in glorious close-up obviously - they decide that the best way to get a DNA match is to make a cell of sweaty suspects masturbate furiously over copies of the Chinese equivalent of Hello Magazine.

Which kinda gives it the edge of Lewis doesn't it?

Hat.

The perfect romantic movie for those who enjoy a quiet night of nasty necrophilia, unsettling infanticide or support the Green Party.