the best of jimmy olsen.

For your enjoyment.....the top ten exciting adventures of Jimmy Olsen, Superman's 'Pal'.

new uses for sticky tape (part one).

library power!

The world needs more librarian super heroes.

any excuse.

Just noticed I've not posted a picture of Asia Argento for ages so here you go.

reasons to love cbeebies (part 5)

Nina And The Neurons

Shown on the CBeebies channel to help pre-school children understand basic science. The show is the brainchild of Lucille McLaughlin, producer of the junior Wicker Man that is Balamory and the Sheila Keith tribute show Me Too!.

Nina: I would.

The show feature hot science boffin Nina (Katrina Bryan - also the shows writer) and her scarily animated, X-Men like neurons (obviously) each representing the five senses:

Felix (the Wolverine of the group) - Touch
Belle (Jean Grey) - Hearing
Luke (Cyclops) - Sight
Ollie (Beast) - Smell
Bud (Nightcrawler) - Taste

"Don't attempt anything without the gloves!"

Each episode begins with the lovely Nina experimenting on some children (sorry, with some children) at the Dalek City like Glasgow Science Centre, before she is 'contacted' by a child asking a wee/fart/slightly scientific question. Jumping into her pale blue 1970's Volkswagen Type 2 minibus (numberplate: NINA) she turns up at the kids house, forces their parents/grandparents/carers to wear really tight man breast/old lady tit revealing t-shirts and attempts to answer their question using experiments relating to one or more of the five senses.

Collar and cuffs.

Episodes to look out for include the one where she flies to Spain to explain why we need to piss. It includes great scenes of our lab coated lovely drinking lots of pop then wriggling about with her knees together going "Oh oh I need a wee!".

Possibly the most erotic thing I have ever seen on kids teevee.

Fact.

in a slightly different vein...

....here's Rom The Space Knight being kissed by a small girl.

Aw sweet!

and talking of the 60's.....

Here we present the ultra rare Yvonne Craig photo shoot from the January 1968 issue of Modern Man: 'The Adult Picture Magazine'. Too torrid for tots indeed!

Click to enlarge (oooeeerrr).

hulk smash puny humans.

Best. Toy. Ever.

now then, now then.....

under the covers.

Bad (and I mean very bad) book covers......enjoy!

Wrong, wrong wrong.




...As envisaged by a blind, wooden
handed five year old.





Fake name, shit socks.





Chewbacca's sex face....nooooo.




"Oh no! the cat's bled on a gravestone!"





Finger-licking good!




Spock farted....and it was an eggy one.




I have nightmares about Mr. Cat-hand...




"Eat my pie!"

pants.

How about these for you or a loved one this Christmas?

hail to the king!

Coming soon...........Nuff said!

beyond the cupboard (part 2).

Was just looking for Rollie's winter hat in our scary cupboard when I came across this:

Admit it, you would (but you'd probably be thinking of her sister).

a magic touch.

For your enjoyment, Magical mistress of the dark arts Debbie McGee's Video Showreel.

it's a plug!

boom boom.

Mad Foxes (AKA Mad Foxes: Stingray 2, 1981)
Dir: Paul Grau.
Cast: Robert O'Neal, Laura Premica, Siggy Helm, Sally Sullivan, Peter John Saunders and Hank Sutter.

"Hey Stiletto, give her a good screw!"

Back in late 1984 when the infamous video nasties bill was tightening it's grip on the outlying regions and border systems, enterprising schoolboys with Saturday jobs in video shops spent every waking hour procuring said nasties from shop managers for a pound each, only to sell them on to friends and acquaintances for up to a tenner at time.

One such film was Mad Foxes, to a fourteen year old boy an exciting mix of vigilante action, Nazi's, murder, motorbikes and, as my school chum Jamie Bridle put it "A couple shagging in the bath!".

To an adult revisiting it however you realize that it's actually one of the most disturbingly insane, atrociously made, politically incorrect movies of all time.

Yes, it's that good.

The plot is as simple (minded) as it is brilliant, Hal (O'Neal from Zombie Creeping Flesh and your mums bedroom) and his cutsey girlfriend are sitting at a red light minding their own business (they're in a car by the way, I mean they're not just sitting by the side of the road on a pile of coats) when an old bald man and his geriatric motorcycle gang pull up and start 'hassling' them.

Unimpressed by the cut of their jib (tho' impressed by the finely ironed creases in their trousers) Hal drives off giving the bikers an excuse to give chase.

Ain't that always the way?

Unfortunately one of the gang is killed in the high speed road rage that follows when he crashes his bike into a parked Fiat Uno (oh the embarrassment).

Acting as if things like this happen to them all the time Hal and his hot chick ignore his cries for help and drive off to a discotheque to frug the night away.

"So....you fancy a wee bit of mooth shite-in sexy lady?"

Cue twenty minutes of dad dancing and bouncy unbridled late 70s boobs all cut to a hellishly inappropriate - and scarily unfashionable especially for 1981 - disco score.

So far so Saturday Night Fever

Albeit set in Blackpool.

Leaving the club high on love and cheap poppers Hal is surprised to find the biker gang lying in wait and before you can say 'funky moped' hunky Hal is  knocked unconscious by a bald bad man whilst the evil gang fiddle with his girlfriend.

Ouch.

What your girlfriend was really up to when she said she was studying with friends.

Luckily Hank is a member of an all male nude Kung Fu club (which isn't in any way remotely homo-erotic, no sir) and calls on them to help him plan his revenge.

The group decide to gatecrash the bikers funeral, getting  oriental on the gangs arses before cutting off the bald gang leaders penis and popping it in his mouth.

This isn't going to end well is it?.

Battered, bruised and bashfully bummed the remaining bikers (led by a new fully cocked bad man named Terry Stiletto) turn up at the Kung Fu school, throw a grenade into the classroom and start machine gunning the students.


And if this wasn't enough payback they torture the class teacher in order to gain Hanks address before stabbing the poor guy to death.


Which for this movie is a pretty boring way to go.

Your dads cum face. Trust me I've seen it often enough.

Turning up at Hanks pad the gang kick down the door and start smashing stuff - including his priceless collection of Sylvanian Family china figurines - which although is pretty mean does give Hank enough time to jump out of the window and into his souped up Stingray (the car, not the submarine) to make his escape.

Unfortunately the gang are in hot pursuit.

I'd like to add that at this point that all this happens within the first thirty five minutes of the movie.

Just let that sink in for a minute.

Driving along to his mum and dads house, Hal takes a break from all this revenge to pick up a foxy, button nosed female hitch-hiker named Lilly before stopping in a field to have some 70s style sex with her.

Wiping his cock on her rucksack the pair continue on to his folks luxurious mansion they proceed to have even more of the sex in the bath  - Jamie was right; you can see her bush and everything - before going out for a leisurely stroll.

THE greatest movie scene ever...if you were 14 and from Sedgley obviously.

But while Hal and Lilly are out enjoying the scenery, yup you guessed it the bikers turn up at the house, killing the gardener with his own hedge trimmers, shooting the cook in the arse and machine gunning Hank's dad before shooting Hanks wheelchair-bound mum in the face.

They then gut the maid and fiddle with her intestines before leaving.

Which is nice.


Hal returns (after more sex) to find everybody dead and solemnly vows even more revenge.

"Put it in me!"

With only 20 minutes of the films running time left Hank hunts down the gang one by one, slaughtering them like dogs until only Stiletto is left.


Stiletto is wise to Hanks plan tho' and has set and elaborate booby trap to stop our hero.


Confident and (maybe a little too) cocky, Stiletto retires to the lavatory for a pooh and a quick read of exchange and mart only for Hank to pop in thru' the window and drop a grenade down the pan.

The camera holds a close-up of Stiletto's penis for an uncomfortably long time before it - and the bathroom - explodes.

Hal drives home, all revenged out and ready for some celebratory sex with Lilly only to find the castrated old bald man sitting on his bed holding a home made bomb.....

What can you say about Mad Foxes that hasn't been said at least a hundred (well eight) times before?

It's badly constructed, poorly dubbed and inanely plotted with an ending left open for a sequel that unfortunately never materialized.

And by left open I mean there isn't one, bomb goes off....that's it.

The overload of violence, nudity and general sleaziness means that by 20 minutes into the movie your brain has melted and is oozing out of your ears....filled with bloodshed, explosions and more cock that you can shake a stick at, Mad Foxes is a truly unique experience.

Oh, and Jamie was right, it is a really good bath shag scene.

phrase of the day.....

From Mr. Dissolved Paul:
"I've had the misfortune to slowly crawl through the sewers of cinematic discharge".
Utter gold!

each!

Clips from the greatest teevee challenge show ever......
It's Globo Loco!

pissed with paulin, lashed with lawson.

Just been sent the Late Review drinking game by certified Unwell reader Ali and thought I'd share, it's quite funny especially if you're one of the six people that actually tunes into Late Review.

Lawson: Smooth criminal.

For those of you who don't know/care, Late Review is a Thursday night Arts programme on BBC2. A panel of Arts 'critics' discuss plays, films, books, galleries etc, and hate everything (except Tony Parsons who just keeps shouting 'Viddy Well'), while presenter Mark Lawson slouches in his chair, looking like a slightly bemused (albeit sweater) version of Mother from The Avengers.

Obviously you'll need some booze.

Enjoy!



Germaine Greer, one of the best-known Feminists around, tells you she's a Feminist. "Well, as a Feminist I have to look at this a certain way" - One finger.

Greer: Sex criminal.

Tom Paulin doesn't like what he's reviewing. His expression goes from mortally offended, to deeply upset and about to cry, to viciously aggressive. He ends up shrieking in fury like Bagpuss on PCP at the artist in question. Who isn't even there - Two fingers at every stage of his decline.

Paulin: Suspicious minds.

Eko Eshun uses an incredibly long and convoluted sentence full of ridiculously pretentious words. He clearly has no idea what he's just said, nor do the other panelists - Try to repeat what he just said. Not easy even if you're sober.

Germaine Greer gives away the end of the film. "And the bit where it turns out the woman in The Crying Game is a man, oh please...." - A double measure of spirits, and tell the person next to you how you really feel about them.

Tony Parsons exaggerates his Cockney accent to come across as the Man of the People - Everyone say "'Allo Maaaary Poppins" and open a can of London Pride. Alternatively don a bowler hat and drink a White Russian whilst Humming Beethoven's ninth.

Parsons: Wicked game.

After the panel have spent ten minutes slagging something off, presenter Mark Lawson has to move them on. Looking slightly embarassed, he says "Well, I really liked it actually". - Finish your pint and scoff a packet of Rich Tea biscuits.

suits you sir.

Today's comic book based scientists talking utter bollocks story comes courtesy of the BBC science pages with the report that a "Spider-man" suit that enables its wearer to scale vertical walls like the comic and movie superhero could one day be a reality.

Spider-Man yesterday.

Natural technology used by spiders and Gordon Gecko could help a human climb the side of a building, hang upside down from a roof, hold down a job at a local paper and fire webs from his wrists the analysis 'suggests'.

The findings/ramblings/lies are published in the Journal of Physics (incorporating Bullshite Monthly) this month.

Spiders possess tiny "hairs" (not in an exorcist way) that allow them to stick to surfaces and some studies suggest that Gecko can hold hundreds of times his own body weight (in hair gel).

Gecko: Greed is good (as are
weak intermolecular forces).

In 2002, US research suggested this adhesion in Gecko was due to very weak intermolecular forces produced by billions of hair-like structures of different sizes that are arranged in a hierarchical structure on each of Gecko's feet, or magic pixies.

The intermolecular "van der Waals" forces arise when unbalanced electrical charges around molecules attract one another or when the magic incantation is sung.

The cumulative attractive force of billions of gecko hairs allows the Wall Street character to scurry up walls, hang upside down on polished glass, shout 'Greed is good' a lot and use a brick sized 'mobile' phone.

Bespectacled yet attractive Professor Nicola Pugno, from STAR Labs, has calculated how sufficient salty stickiness (ooeerr) could be generated in the same way to support an adult human's body weight.

Prof. Pugno: Collars.

But the bigger the surface that needs to stick, the lower its adhesion strength. So a glove able to fit a man's hand, and covered with artificial gecko hairs, should not be as sticky as a gecko's foot (unless the man had giant hands obviously).

Big hands.

Luckily, Gecko only uses a fraction of the theoretical stickiness available through van der Waals forces.

"Some researchers were able to measure a [theoretical] adhesion strength 200 times higher than the adhesion strength in the gecko. But between theory and practical applications there is a large gap," said Professor Pugno breathlessly as she took off her glasses and let down her luxuriant raven hair.

A spider last week.

"If we are able to make a surface a little bit stronger, so that the size effect vanishes, we might be able to make a suit with the same adhesion as Gecko's but without the braces, alternatively we could make a suit like the one Peter Parker wears. The problem with that is either Stan Lee will sue the arse of us and spend our research cash on wigs or it may end up looking like the one worn by Nicholas Hammond in the shite 70's TeeVee show."

Hammond: Shit suit.

The fictional science lab-based researcher proposes that carbon 'nanotubes' could be used as an artificial alternative to Gecko's hair (Carbon nanotubes are tiny cylinders of carbon that measure just a few billionths of a metre across. They are ultra-strong and can be organised into larger fibres for those thick shits reading).

Professor Pugno also outlined four properties which a real Spider-man suit must demonstrate.

A scientist tests the prototype.

Firstly, and most obviously, it must be red and blue with a web pattern and a spider emblem on the chest. Secondly, it must be able to demonstrate strong adhesive properties, the suit must be able to detach easily from a surface after it has stuck. Fourthly, the suit must, to some degree, be able to clean itself.

The latter requirement is considered important because dirt particles could get in the way, interfering with the adhesive properties of the suit or the dirt may manifest itself as an evil bio-entity, literally 'taking over the mind of the wearer making him become evil.

Dirt: Evil incarnate.

One way to do it is to make the suit "superhydrophobic", so that it strongly repels water. As water droplets are forced away from the contact areas of the outfit, they should wash away particles of dirt, easily achieved simply by altering the geometrical properties, or topology, of the surface.

"To have all these mechanisms working together is difficult, because they are in competition with one another," Professor Pugno us. Pobably.

"But geckos and spiders provide a natural demonstration that this can be done."

She added that there were many interesting applications for adhesive suits, in areas ranging from space exploration, window cleaning, fighting crime in New York to defence.

How the suit may look
if modeled by a lady.

But when we pointed out that human muscles are very different to those of spiders, so people would probably suffer from muscle fatigue if they tried to stick to a wall for many hours the Professor stormed off in a huff.

Crying.