kure kure takura.

 

 

Day 9 of the whole 31 Days of Horror thing and it's time for the big guns....

Octaman (1971).
Dir: Harry Essex.
Cast: Pier Angeli, Kerwin (The kids school fees are HOW much?) Matthews, Jeff Morrow, David (Tahiti, I have loved your sunny rain and your rainbows. Tahiti, all your flowers sweet and cool when the rain goes; And the hum of happy people on the island, And the drumming of the seas upon the reef.) Essex, some other folk I can't be arsed listing and a big octopus thing.

Alien or Mutation...Man or Reptile...utter or Shite?

Suave suited yet scarily bewigged do-gooder ecologist Dr. Rick Torres (Kerwin 'Sinbad' Matthews) is busy researching radioactive pollution and stuff in and around the lakes of Mexico, which may sound pretty cool but is, in fact dead boring, you see he's discovered absolutely fuck all during the past six months except how to get rid of the symptoms of cock rot using only a bottle of Jack Daniels and a nail file.

 

Coming to the end of his studies our heroic doctor is fairly surprised one morning when his science-type buddy turns up carrying a bucket containing an octopus with 'intelligent eyes'.

No idea what this means, sorry.

 

The geeky pair decide to spend the morning just staring at the freaky octopus thing lying in it's bucket, laughing as it tries to crawl out to the water then pushing it back in again (as men do) but their fun is curtailed by the arrival of Torres hot, pointy bra-ed girlfriend Susan (comeback queen, pre-teen crush  and all round Italian 'bombshell' Angeli) who promptly suggests they let the nearby university take a look at it.

"look into my eyes...not around
the eyes but into my eyes..."

Grabbing his jacket and the bucket Torres heads off to the aforementioned  university, leaving his science pal to find something else to poke (not Angeli unfortunately) which luckily for the plot is another, slightly bigger octo-thing that they come across (not literally) minding it's own business whilst sunbathing on a rock.

Returning to the lab, Torres geeky pals soon get bored with the old octopus in a bucket game so decide that it'd be much funnier to dissect this one instead.

Unbeknown to them tho' the terrifying Octaman (or is that Octomum?) is watching ready to take revenge on mankind.

"Grrrraaaarrrrrr!"

After being greeted at the university with a resounding "Get to fuck that looks shit!" from the principal and having spent his entire grant on whores and paint stripper, Torres turns to his wealthy 'yee-haw!' rancher pal Johnny (Morrow) for the cash to examine the beast further.

I should point out that I misheard this bit and thought he was actually talking about Johnny Cash and got a wee bit excited as I imagined the man in black battling an eight foot rubber octopus.

Now would be something to behold.

But I digress.

Anyway, Johnny says "Hell yeah!" reckoning that an intelligent looking octopus would make a top rodeo attraction (?) and so they grab a few bottles of cheap brandy and head back to Torres lab.

On their arrival tho' they discover everyone has been slapped to death, the only evidence is the strange love bite like marks over all their bodies.

Just like the ones your mum used to be covered in after 'Uncle' Peter visited.

It appears that Octaman has acquired a taste for slapping humans and is currently stumbling around the bushes behind the lab looking for victims.

Before long - it's a very short film - he's (it's?) found a couple of guys from the local village who, in an act of drunken stupidity have caught yet another bog eyed octopus thing and popped it in a Tupperware container with thoughts of selling it to the local fish-monger.

Enraged at such a callous act Octaman kicks one of the poor men to death before tossing his companion off.

A cliff that is, I don't mean he gently caressed his throbbing, swollen manhood before slowly bringing him to climax, his warm, salty seed gushing forth over Octaman's leathery, puckered chest.

"Grrrraaaarrrrrr!" (again).

Being quite clever Torres has soon figured out that every time someone puts an octopus in a bucket they invariably end up dead, so he decides to see if he can replicate the experiment's results without either the octopus or bucket.

I'd like to point out to anyone else confused that we still have no idea what this 'experiment' actually is, seeing as up till now all him and his mates appear to have done is poke the slimy buggers with a pen whilst wrinkling up their noses.

Octaman has other ideas tho' and after becoming scarily obsessed with happy slapping the locals has decided to become a full time hooligan and is soon smashing thru' the window and delivering a few good back handers (tentaclers?) before grabbing Angeli and legging it off into the bushes.

The swine.

Angeli: Far too lovely for this blog.

Desperately trying to figure out what interest the Octaman could possibly have in the shapely, breathless and incredibly milky thighed Susan* Torres decides it'd probably be best if they just rescued her rather than stand about discussing it.

Surprisingly they manage this with ease only to have the by now horny Octaman sneak in that night and kidnap her again.

And again.

And again.

Part of me is beginning to think that Susan is actually quite enjoying all this octopoid attention and is just too embarrassed to admit it.

I mean girls used to do that to me all the time and compared to Octoman I'm practically a male model.**

Getting bored with the hours spent chasing after Susan (and getting a wee bit jealous of all the saucy fun that the Octaman is getting) Torres reckons it'd be a good idea to make a circle of petrol around Octaman and set light to it next time he comes visiting in order to "burn up all the oxygen around him!"

Which is nice.

And strangely enough exactly what my parents tried to do to me on my 9th birthday.

Our heroes lie in wait for our multi-suckered chum to come a calling before hitting him on the head with a spade causing him to promptly collapse in an embarrassingly rubberish heap before tying the beast up in a fishing net and lighting a makeshift bonfire around him.

Not bothering to hang around to check this plan will work (and why should they?) Torres and co. head home to crack open the booze and start celebrating.

Unfortunately they end up drinking so much that Octoman manages to escape by hiding inside a giant cake after disguising himself as a kissagram.

Probably.

I'll be honest I'd gotten a bit bored by this point and went to make a sandwich.

 "Eye son!"

Getting a wee bit fed up with a big rubber monster taking the piss out of them, the gang decide to call it a day and drive back to the nearest town in order to sober up with a few cakes and a round or two of naked ping-pong in order to formulate a plan that isn't shit but the pesky Octaman has other ideas and sneakily blocks the road with a tree.

Which means it's either a really big tree or a really small road.

Whilst everyone stands about scratching their heads (their own, not each others) friendly gringo Davido (singing star and professional dusky Gypsy Essex) spots Octaman sniggering at them from behind a bush before getting bored and wobbling off into the distance.

Davido decides to follow him to his spooky cave before going back to fetch the others.

Tho' why he didn't just get them all to go with him the first time and save himself a journey I'll never know.

 "Sucky sucky? five dollah?"

Carefully exploring the cave our heroes seem surprised when Octaman pops out from behind a rock to confront them (it's almost as if they'd forgot why they were there in the first place) but they're saved from his mighty bitch slapping skills by a convenient rock fall.

Phew.

However when the smoke clears Octaman has gone.

But our heroes are trapped!

Not to worry tho' cos Davido, being the hunky woodsman type and using only his chin, manages to tunnel his way to the surface breaking ground right next to their abandoned van.

Yup, he's that good.

Helping the others out before dusting himself off , Davido runs to the back doors in order to grab his fighting shovel only for Octaman to jump out and start slapping everyone round the face before - you guessed it - picking up Susan and legging it.

Again.

Yawn.

Tho' why he was in the van (was he possibly having a nap?) and how he opened the doors with those huge floppy tentacles is a mystery is another thing that's never explained.

Getting wise to all this tentacle touching terror - and possibly getting fairly sick of having to pretend to enjoy getting her tits rubbed by a hoover pipe if her expression is anything to go - Susan has sneakily secreted a gun down her pants  and promptly shoots Octaman in the chest.

Catching up with the lovelorn (and junked up) pair the rest of the group join in the orgy of hot lead and hotter passions, stopping only when a bullet riddled Octaman staggers back to the lake to die.

Exactly like all my hopes and dreams after watching this movie.

From the man who wrote the screenplay to the greatest monster movie ever (The creature From The Black Lagoon fact fans) comes this Alzheimer's ridden old man misfire of a retread that replaces the originals genuinely creepy creature suit, top drawer acting and ominous score with a ball-headed monstrosity resplendent with vacuum cleaner pipes for arms, ping-pong ball eyes and the biggest pair of cock-sucking lips this side of Michael Gove (co-credited to Rick Baker, poor sod), bizarro stock footage pertaining to be of a Latin American fishing village yet showcasing shots of running cheetahs mixed to a frightening selection of 1960's porno quality library music courtesy of The Post Production Associates whoever or whatever they are.

Hopefully they'll get in touch to tell us that they're OK.

As a plus point at least Pier Angeli looks pretty.

In a kind of shot to fuck has my career come to this way obviously.

With dialogue that never rises above the arse-clenchingly banal and read from cue cards by an either stoned or drunk cast of international has-beens and wannadies, Octaman wants to be a mature grown up study of ecological issues, standing at the bar lecturing all and sundry but ends up like some tarted up schoolie on her first night in the pub, drinking cheap sherry till she vomits over the barmaid before getting chucked out and buggered up a dirty condom strewed alley by her dad's best mate.

Fun to watch but you wouldn't want to be her doctor at her emergency appointment.

Saying all that tho' it was originally made for TeeVee (allegedly) so perhaps we shouldn't asked for too much from it.

And definitely not it's phone number as you're getting tentacle teased  in that back alley of the mind.




















































*Tho' seeing as Angeli died of a massive drugs overdose a few weeks into shooting Octoman could possibly have been after a totally different type of crack.

Just saying.


**OK I wouldn't go that far but at least my head is normal sized.

And I wear trousers.