g.i. nooooo!

Day 23 of the by now tiresome 31 days of horror and it's time for a wee bit of slasher action.

Someone was wearing a T-shirt of this movie in town t'other week and I'm easily swayed so there you go.

Plus I know at least one person who enjoyed this film so they might leave a comment.

I can but wish. 

Rosemary's Killer (AKA The Prowler, 1981).
Dir: Joseph Zito.
Cast: Vicky Dawson, Christopher Goutman, Cindy Weintraub, Farley Granger, Lisa Dunsheath, David Sederholm, Diane Rode, Bryan Englund, Donna Davis, Joy Glaccum, Timothy Wahrer and Lawrence Tierney.

"Come on, kid, don't play hard to get. What about New Year's Eve?"   "Well, that was different. I couldn't help myself".

It's the end of World War II and the screen is full of newsreel footage showing hundreds of cheering GI's celebrating having single handedly saved the world from the evils of illegal invasions, torturing civilians, abusing minorities and all manner of fascistic behaviour.

My how times have changed.

Unfortunately one poor soldier wont be getting the celebratory leg over he deserves as his lady love, a woman named Rosemary (Glaccum, from The Children. No not the shite one, the other one.) has decided to dump him in favour of shagging a skinny bloke called Roy (Wahrer in his only screen role outside his family home movies).

That's not all tho' because the pair have decided to officially  announce their relationship  at the town graduation cum welcome home brave soldiers dance.

Fucking hell the sign must have been massive.

Bored with frugging to Glenn Miller, the loved up duo head off to the duck pond to spend some quality time together.

Oh and maybe a quick breast/ball fondle session.

As is the way with slasher movies tho', an ominous figure clad in full combat fatigues and carrying a pitchfork is watching them from behind a bush.

18 flowery pages to tell you she's fucking your dad. Bloody typical.

Although the power is suddenly cut off our amorous couple carry on snogging, until the aforementioned prowler sneaks up behind them and stabs the pair with the pitchfork creating a massive blood and spunk stained human kebab.

Gazing at his handiwork the crazed killer gently pops a long-stemmed red rose in the dead woman's hand.

Spooky.

Fast forward thirty five years and the town is preparing for it's first graduation dance since that terrible night.

Enter (oh go on then, I have a few minutes free) the man-chinned little miss sensible Pam (As the World Turns Dawson) who is busy helping to decorate a bandstand whilst swooning over her true love, the Lego haired deputy sheriff Mark (latter day teevee exec' and cut price Dirk Benedict-alike Goutman) whilst trying to keep her cliched group of college chums from removing their clothes and shagging in the car park.

Teenagers eh?

Pam desperately tries to ignore Mark's giant pink nipple.

But not everyone is happy about the return of the graduation party, well I say not everyone but I really mean long dead Rosemary's wheelchair bound dad Major Chatham (Big Joe himself, Tierney), a poor old soul who's spent every waking minute since his daughters untimely death sitting in his window watching co-ed's get undressed.

Which is as good a way as any when dealing with grief I guess.

Anyway, back at the sheriff's office and Pam is discussing her news article on Rosemary's killer (the case not the film obviously) with local lawman George Fraser (Farley "My mortgage is how much?!!?" Granger) when the radio squawks to life with a report that an unknown assailant has robbed a nearby pound shop,  slashed up the manager and taken his car.

But that's not all for it seems that the authorities are concerned that the killer is headed towards the town.

Yikes.

A killer, heading toward a town on the very night that 35 years ago someone was murdered?

What are the chances eh readers?

Despite (or because of) this news, sheriff Fraser refuses to cancel his fishing trip, putting London (the deputy not the city) in charge for the evening.

Pam: She'll have someone's eye out with that chin.

Being the concerned type (and with Jamie Lee Curtis unavailable) Pam airs her fears regarding the chance of a killing spree taking place on graduation night with her roommates; the pixie haired, peachy arsed  Sherry (ex psychiatric nurse, model and Playboy Bunny Dunsheath) and permanently pouting Lisa (Weintraub, later to be seen being chased by horny fish-men in the Corman classic Humanoids from the Deep).

Sherry however is more concerned with getting everyone out of the dorm before her buff beau Carl (Ryan's Hope star Sederholm) turns up whilst Lisa is busy flashing her 70's style breasts at Major Chatham across the street.

Realizing that no-one really gives two fucks about what she thinks Pam sighs wistfully and continues putting the  finishing touches to her outfit.

But elsewhere a shadowy figure is also preparing for the graduation dance, tho' there are no dresses or clumpy shoes for this person,  just a second world war combat uniform, complemented with a shiny bayonet, ultra sharp hunting knife and a handy sawn-off shotgun.

Which is nice, if a little over the top for a night of drink and jiving if I'm honest.

As Lisa and Pam leave for the dance Sherry decides to kill the time waiting for Carl by getting totally naked and incredibly foamy in the shower, proving once and for all that dreams do come true.

All I can say is that towel is horrible.

As expected Carl turns up right on cue and after a quick hello and some over rehearsed saucy banter goes into the shared bedroom to undress.

Just as he's pulling down his big daddy Y-fronts a combat clad intruder takes him violently from behind and plunges a bayonet straight into the top of his head and out thru' his neck, forcing his eyes to roll back in their sockets as if in the middle of a particularly memorable masturbation session.

Sherry, oblivious to all this knifing, is still gently soaping up her perky young breasts when the killer enters the room and, mistaking him for her boyfriend suggestively asks if he has anything to put in her.

As luck would have it the killer does indeed have something hard and pointed to enter Sherry with.

Unfortunately it's a pitchfork which he wastes no time in plunging deep into her stomach, giving us ample opportunity to be at once repulsed by the murder yet strangely turned on as her bloodied boobs bounce about like playful puppies in a bag.

And they say horror films affect the mind.

"Put it in me!"

Back at the party, Pam is busying herself serving drinks and looking concerned when she notices Mark arrive but her true love is soon dragged onto the dance floor by slutty causing our heroine to pull a face not too dissimilar to a bulldog licking piss of John Nettles.

Which is unusual to say the least.

Unsure how to react Pam starts fiddling with the cocktails in the manner of a Prozac dependent housewife, only stopping to smile when Mark, barely hiding the semi caused by Lisa's grinding comes over to the table.

Things go from bad to worse tho' when a tipsy Lisa accidentally  thrust her fanny at Mark's arse causing him to bang his erection on the table covering Pam's dress with sticky liquids.

Fairly furious and extremely damp she heads back to the dorm to change her outfit.

She's dreaming of a large mooth shite....

And what an outfit she chooses, throwing caution (and all signs of good taste) to the wind she changes into the kind of powder blue affair usually associated with Parkinson's riddled old ladies topped off with a matching chiffon top.

Nice.

Obviously looking good for Mark is a complicated task seeing as she not only fails to notice that the bed is covered in blood but also totally misses the two corpses (and the killer) in the bathroom.

As she leaves the apartment and heads down the stairs she notices the faint smell of egg, gravy, dried blood and shame wafting down the corridor and, looking up to see where it could be coming from notices what looks like a G.I. standing outside her room door.

understandably she runs away.

But the killer gives chase.

Pam is too quick for the killer tho' (well to be honest he is getting on a bit and is carrying a full army kit around with him) and easily outruns him, pausing only to bump into Major Chatham - who appears to be out for a midnight roll - and drop her handbag before coming across a concerned (or is that constipated?) Mark.

After persuading Pam to sit in his car (no doubt to prepare for a wee bit of biting later) Mark proceeds to go all Nancy Drew on us (well he has the hair) and investigate the dorm.

Is it too much to believe that he too misses the bodies in the bathroom?

Matt Hancock: The Return.

Deciding the most likely culprit is the grumpy old cripple, Pam and Mark head over to Major Chatham's house only to find that he's not home.

He must still be trying to get his wheelchair - and ample arse - up the porch stairs the poor sod.

As a plus point it does give our dynamic duo a chance to fiddle about in his drawers and search for his pension book.

Erm...I mean look for clues.

And pictures of your gran naked.

Little do they realize that the killer is watching them from within the shoe cupboard.

Your gran (not) naked.

After finding a photo album that reminds the viewers about the opening sequence the pair then drive back to the dance to tell everyone's favourite Home Economics teacher, the strangely alluring Miss Allison (Davis, last seen signing on) about the life size Action Man prowling around the town.

Being the sensible type she quickly tells her students that they should stay inside until the combat-clad mentalist has been apprehended and - surprisingly for an 80s slasher movie - everyone worryingly agrees.

All except Lisa that is who, pissed off at her boyfriend Paul for being way too drunk to perform (either on the dance floor or elsewhere) has gone to the swimming pool for a late night dip.

In her pants the dirty girl.

Should have worn a mask.

After a few laps and dives in the obviously freezing water (you can tell because you can see her breath, how else?), Lisa decides to head back to the party but as she climbs the steps out of the pool the cruel killer kicks her in the face before bayoneting her in the throat leaving her still wriggling underwear clad body to sink to the bottom. 

Back at the dance Paul has noticed that Lisa is missing but is so drunk and abusive that the poor sod gets arrested by Mark and thrown in jail, giving Mark and Pam time to look longingly at each other over coffee, discuss the original murder and attempt to contact Sheriff Fraser.

Who, it transpires is out night fishing and wont be back till morning.

Luckily just as the conversation is about to grind to an uncomfortable halt, the creepily bearded Pat from the local newsagent turns up drunk complaining that the local cemetery has been desecrated by teenagers before turning tail and going home.

Nothing like moving forward the plot in a totally natural way is there?

Anyway, Pam and Mark decide to check it out.

Back at the party a concerned (and fairly attractive for an older woman) Miss Allison has gone outside in the hope of finding Lisa.

Noticing the pool is full of blood she panics, flaps her arms like a chicken and letting out high pitched bleating noises before attempting to get help only to be brutally murdered by the killer using his handy bayonet.

Pam Ayres...Shitey mooth, bayonetty neck , legs akimbo, Bradford, 1974....Yesch!

Meanwhile at the cemetery our law abiding love birds have discovered that Rosemary Chatham's grave has been dug up and her putrid corpse replaced with the frankly much more attractive body of Lisa, still all wet and glistening after the pool incident.

Mark must be made of stronger stuff than me tho' seeing as he's not even tempted to have a wee fiddle with her, preferring to head back over to the Major's house for one last nosy around.

Beware the Binmen!

Deciding that the best course of action would be to split up and stumble around in the dark it's not long before Mark is beaten unconscious by the killer.

Pam, on the other hand has busied herself pulling Rosemary's rotted corpse (still in her graduation dress) from the chimney plume.

This at least shows that the killer has a good sense of humour, seeing as the only reason for putting it there in the first place is to give some unsuspecting passer by a bloody good fright.

Shouting for Mark, Pam turns around to find herself face to balaclava with the murderer, luckily she experienced this earlier and runs away again, firstly hiding under a bed (with a rat. Gah!) before finally getting herself trapped in the downstairs utility room with our pitchfork wielding pal.

Don't worry too much tho', it's a walk in one, not one of those tiny things you get in modern houses.

Will Pam survive long enough to finally kiss Mark?

Will Marks hair have saved him from permanent brain damage?

Who is the killer?

And will local mentalist Otto from the shop turn up at any point carrying a shotgun for no reason?

Joseph Zito's 1981 movie is an oft forgotten gem from the slasher era, similar in style and plot to George Mihalka's My Bloody Valentine released earlier that year Rosemary's Killer is often seen as the less effective of the two.

Which is a wee bit bizarre seeing as Rosemary's Killer boasts a halfway decent cast, is well directed with finesse and style by Zito and features some of Tom Savini's best work.

Plus Farley Granger is in it, making a change from seeing a drunken Cameron Mitchell stumble his way thru a slasher film which seemed to be the done thing at the time.

And lest we forget a soaking and soapy Lisa Dunsheath in all her cutesy glory.

Surely reason enough to adore this movie?

The connoisseurs choice when it comes to little seen crazed killer flicks, Rosemary's Killer is a lean, mean little movie that builds on the directors earlier Bloodrage (naive country boy kills hookers) and nicely sets him up for the directors gig on Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter.

Where as you may be aware he made the frankly fantastic decision to cast Crispin Glover AND let him dance to the hit Love Is A Lie by top rockers Lion.

And for that we salute him.

Bizarrely he left horror behind after his visit to Crystal Lake and is probably better known these days for introducing the world to the delights of the Chuck Norris starring Missing in Action series.

Now that is scary.