mummy's boy.

Time Walker (AKA Being from Another Planet, 1982).
Dir: Tom Kennedy.
Cast: Ben Murphy, Nina Axelrod, Kevin Brophy, James Karen, Robert Random, Austin Stoker, Darwin Joston, Antoinette Bower, Sam Chew Jr., Clint Young, Shari Belafonte and Jack Olson.

“Well, maybe you’ve found the first civilization to use polyester?”

Somewhere in Egypt (OK I'll be honest it's actually a set left over from Tales of The Gold Monkey and by set I mean empty studio lot with a bit of sand randomly sprinkled over it) the sexily double-denimed science guy Professor Douglas McCadden (Alias Smith And Jones star Murphy) has just come across the tomb of the ancient Egyptian king Tutankhamun.

Unfortunately his excited thigh rubbing at the thought of all that pharaoh gold causes a minor earthquake making one of the tomb walls collapse - well it was only shoddily nailed up balsa wood - revealing a hidden chamber containing  a second mummy in a huge cardboard sarcophagus.
Oh hang on, it's meant to be stone.

Never mind at least they tried.

Tried to make it look utterly shite I mean, obviously the cash went on the top notch cast.

Or at the very least on Shari Belafonte's velor jacket. 

"If you're the mummy.....who's the daddy?"

Knowing that the films meager budget wont extend to any actual shooting outside the US McCadden has the mysterious sarcophagus quickly shipped back to California where hip n' happening science student Peter Sharpe (Brophy - the poor mans Michael Beck, I'll give you a minute to let that sink in) proceeds to x-ray it whilst chewing gum (and the scenery) in a provocative manner much to the chagrin of the Tefal-headed tinker in charge of the universities computers; the enigmatic Jack Parker (TV stalwart Random).

It seems that in his rush to get the x-rays complete Sharpe has accidentally set the machine to 'highly radioactive' as opposed to 'slightly radioactive' meaning that not only will the pictures come out a wee bit blurry but the folk present will all probably drop dead from cancer within a fortnight.

Which is quite possibly a blessing seeing as none of them will be around for the movies premiere.

Heading back to his lab to examine the x-rays, Sharpe notices what looks like five tiny balls arranged around the mummy's head so decides to investigate the sarcophagus himself in the hope that the mysterious objects are something worth selling.

Or at least something that may move the plot along.

Breaking into McCadden's room he skillfully cuts open the sarcophagus with a penknife and finds 5 shiny marbles embedded within.

Sorry I mean mysterious crystals filled with a strange glowing energy.

My mistake.

Quickly re-x-raying (is that even a word?) the mummy to cover his tracks Sharpe fails to notice that the extra dose of radiation has caused a strange green mold inside the sarcophagus to become active and start to spread like an evil coloured butter.

Or low fat spread if you like.

Well at least you can still enjoy a Pot Noodle.

Resealing the sarcophagus Sharpe heads over to the local pawnbrokers in the hope of scoring some ready cash to take his girlfriend out for a slap up meal little realising that it's not just the creepy mold that's moving.

Yes indeed the mummy itself is on the prowl.

With a wipe that would make George Lucas shoot his load we're into the next day where a stressed McCadden is desperately trying to persuade the university president, Wendell Rossmore (Return Of The Living Dead's Karen), to postpone the mummy's unveiling due to the nasty stink caused by the green gunk oozing out of the sarcophagus. 

Rossmore is having none of it tho' but as he excitedly ushers the press in one of McCadden's more forgettable students sticks his finger in the sarcophagus and instantly starts screaming as the gunk starts to rot his hand.

Falling to the grown and writhing in agony (or is it ecstasy?) he accidentally knocks the sarcophagus lid off revealing that its occupant has vanished.

And you know when your main monster can't be arsed appearing onscreen that your film is in big trouble.

"Balls on mah x-ray!" - sorry that was the worst caption ever but if they can't be arsed why should I?

Enter (yes please) Dr. Ken Melrose (the legend that is Stoker) who alongside his sternly school ma'am like colleague Dr. Rita Hayworth (Prom Night's Bower) desperately attempts to identify the spooky green stuff and destroy it before it can infect anyone else.

Is everyone in this movie desperate?

Rossmore being a bit of an arse assumes that the mummy's disappearance is because of a fraternity prank, however his Smithers-like sidekick Dr. Bruce Serrano (Chew Jr) insists that McCadden - alongside Parker - is responsible for the whole thing.

No idea why tho'.

Rossmore, hypnotised by Serrano's slinky hips and tight ass calls on the campus police captain Holly Willoughby (Switchblade Sisters Young) and orders him to track the pair.

Meanwhile  the mummy is busy tracking the whereabouts of the stolen crystals. The crystals, which are - it turns out -  actually complicated components of a space-age transportation device.

Yup, he's not really a mummy but an alien ambassador sent to Earth to buy cakes two thousand years hence who ended up crash landing in Egypt where
Tutankhamun came across his prone body.

Fucking Hell those Egyptians will shag anything.

Mistaking the unconscious alien for the Egyptian God of massive heads (or something), the king and his attendants tried to shake his hand but were all killed by the green slime.

Always looking on the bright side the surviving flunkey's decided to bury them all together in the King's tomb.

Phew, glad that's all sorted, we can get back to more important matters now like watch a bog-roll wrapped stuntman being wheeled around on an out of shot skateboard as he chases various no-name extras around a deserted shopping centre.

"Tonight Matthew I'm going to be Peter Gabriel!"

It's a race against time - and tedium - as our heroes try to find the crystals before the shit-handed horror does seeing as one touch from his mucky member causes instant paralysis and stubborn stains. 

After brutally attacking a single mum student who'd been given one of the crystals as a present Rossmore is forced to call the 'proper' police who send no-nonsense flatfoot Lt. Amanda Plummer (Napoleon Wilson himself Joston) is to investigate and as more students turn up dead or injured, our heroic cop begins to suspect that he's on the trail of a serial killer.

Albeit one covered head to toe in Andrex.

Maybe they should just send a puppy after him?

As is always the way in this kind of movie (and I'd be disappointed if it weren't), the students decide that the best way to deal with the on campus killings is to organise a massive mummy themed frat party and dance badly - to a song called "Mummified" on a constant loop - whilst those who actually possess the crystals end up either babysitting and taking showers in order to up the breast count of the film and help it appeal to sad, lonely teens.

Well seeing as I first saw this as a 12 year old it must have worked.

As Plummer conducts his investigation, McCadden and Parker track the stolen crystals back to Sharpe, who admits to everything before giving them the  crystal he was keeping for himself.

Realising that the final crystal is currently in the hands of a student he's shagging (Motel Hell's Axelrod), McCadden races to the library in the hope of saving her from a sticky end only arriving in time to see her plummet from the roof.

Luckily she's only bruised so our hero wastes no time in getting on with the job at hand which right now involves investigating why the campus computer systems are showing sporadic energy drains in the large broom cupboard behind the girls toilets.

Fuck me Hanson have let themselves go.

As the movie lurches drunkenly toward its climax, McCadden, Parker, Rossmore, Serrano and Willoughby all descend on the cupboard at the same time and after a bit of pushing and shoving are fairly surprised to see the mummy standing over what looks like a novelty pie dish fiddling with some small balls.

Like some kind of intergalactic naughts and crosses he gently places them in a certain order (being careful not to break the flimsy prop) before activating the device causing his mummy wrappings disintegrate and revealing his true form.

That of a fairly camp skinny bloke in a pound shop alien mask.

Takes all sorts.

Realising that the creature actually doesn't mean any harm and just wants to go home McCadden and Parker smile waving at it as it prepares to leave, Serrano tho' has other ideas and orders Willoughby to shoot the creature.

The rotter.

Being the hero tho' McCadden throws himself in front of the bullet in order to protect the alien and falls to the ground injured.

As the pair gaze lovingly into each others eyes the alien holds his (scarily lady-like) hand out to the professor who eagerly takes it.

Tho' not up the arse I'm told.

As the starstruck couple touch there's a blinding light as they disappear from view leaving only a solitary crystal lying on the floor.....

Serrano pushes everyone aside and grabs for it but suddenly drops it with a scream as the fungus begins to infect his hand and the words "TO BE CONTINUED" flash up on the screen.

No, really.

Hmmmm.....titles.

Lurching drunkenly 'tween slasher movie, Sci-Fi and kooky campus caper, Tom Kennedy's only foray into directing (after a career working as an editor) is a threadbare throwback with a TV movie of the week feel and whilst it's in no way that bad a movie it is a horribly inept one, which is scary considering its pedigree, featuring as it does such luminaries as Nina Axelrod, James Karen, Shari Belafonte (riffing Adrienne Barbeau in The Fog as a sexy DJ) and most bizarrely one Warrington Gillette, who went on to play the unmasked Jason Voorhees in Friday 13th Part 2.

Hopefully with make up tho'.

The rest of this cast of has beens, might be's and ne'er wills isn't too bad either with appearances from Greta (Chained Heat) Blackburn, Kevin (Hell Night) Brophy, Melissa (Invasion: USA) Prophet as well as  Antoinette Bower from that episode of Star Trek with the huge kitten.

But most importantly it features a (brief) re-teaming of Assault On Precinct 13's Austin Stoker and Darwin Joston which frankly makes the film worth owning for that alone.

"Laugh now!"

Behind the scenes it has Flesh Gordon's Jason WIlliams as co-writer and producer plus cult composer Richard Band on soundtrack duty whilst the majority of the crew were straight off the back of that monster hit The Howling and no doubt the producers were hoping for as big (if not a bigger) hit.

Oh well.

"Oh no! I have my womans period!"

Coming across like the idiot offspring of Kolchak or a lobotomized X Files, Time Walker never hits the dizzy heights (or shites) of The Incredible Melting Man or even Hangar 18 but is fairly inoffensively enjoyable in it's own albeit moldy way.


Plus you can picked it up on Amazon for a measly eleven quid on a shiny DVD that also features Lady Frankenstein, The Velvet Vampire and Grotesque (not that one) so what's not to love?


I mean you couldn't even get a quick handjob for that kinda cash.


And no your sister doesn't count.


Recommended viewing.