oh bee-have.

'Logged on' to the interweb this morning and noticed this:

World Bee Day eh?

Well I have just the thing for that.

Excuse the brevity of the review as I have a shocking hangover and really can't be arsed.

But then again no fucker ever reads this blog anyway.

 
Invasion of The Bee Girls (AKA Graveyard Tramps, 1973)
Dir: Denis Sanders.
Cast: William (wicki wah wah) Smith, Anitra Ford, Victoria Vetri, Cliff Osmond, Wright King, Ben Hammer, Stan Williams and Sid Kaiser.

They'll Love The Very Life Out Of Your Body! - Just like a normal girl then?

When a government research scientist is found naked (apart from his socks) and dead in a roadside motel just outside Peckham (a different Peckham, so don't worry that Nicholas Lyndhurst's gonna turn up) the US State Department sends tough guy special agent Neil Agar (William Smith, not the one from Bad Boys and Men in Black who punches people, but the one from Chrome and Hot Leather and The Swinging Barmaids) to investigate.

Agar’s first stop is at the home of the the sultry head of the dead scientist’s research department Julie Zorn (the always fabulous Vetri, fresh from messing up pavements in Rosemary's Baby and playing Gary Seven's sexy humanoid cat in Star Trek), who was, in fact the last person to see the scientist alive.

Nowt suspicious there then.

"Aye hen!"

At first evasive and blunt with Agar about what she was doing in the scientist's company that night, Agar eventually - and quite literally, well it is the 70s - shakes the information out of her as she delivers the Oscar worthy dialogue:

“Alright! We balled! And we balled and we balled and we balled some more, until finally he dropped dead!”

Investigating further (and with Zorn in tow) Agar makes a horrific discovery, an epidemic of fatal heart attacks linked only by the fact that the men involved all popped their clogs while engaged in the 'sex' act.

"Are you looking at my wife?"

 

As is always the way, misinformed Joe Q. Public start blaming the local science lab whilst erstwhile local 'sex researcher' (and closet S and M fan) Henry Murger (King) reckons it's a new disease so begins to try and convince folk to stop shagging for a bit till it's sorted.

Unfortunately there appears to be nowt else to do in the town except have sex, so the death toll continues to grow.

If only that would happen in America in real life.

"It doesn't matter how hard I twist I just can't seen to find 6 Music!"

 

As the stiffs get stiffer and the beds remain unmade the real cause of the sex deaths is gradually revealed.

Tho' not too gradually as it's a fairly short film.

But not as short as your mum obviously.

It appears that a group of shapely, sexy and sunglasses clad ladies are behind (and on top of obviously) the mounting pile of corpses.

Which is actually quite an erotic image.

The big question now is.....how?

And why obviously but that would be two questions.

What your mum really gets up to on bingo night.

Enter (roughly from behind whilst wearing a horse mask - just me then?) nutty as squirrel shit entomologist Susan Harris (Original Price Is Right girl Ford) who, whilst studying bees and stuff has discovered that it's possible to merge bee DNA with that of a lady.

For what purpose I have no idea.

Anyway, Harris has a secret lab in the basement of the research centre as well as an army of semi-nude, bisexual, female helpers all decked out in groovy Jackie O sunglasses that answer to her every whim.

And luckily for the viewer her main whim appears to be getting her posse to smother captive naked women in custard, subject them to bursts of radiation then locking them in a cupboard full of bees, transforming them into sex crazed 'Bee Girls'.

Again, I have no idea why.


But let's be honest do you really care?

Spunky Brewster.

So it's left to an angry Agar and gruff police captain 'big' Jim Peters (Osmond from the fantastic Hangar 18) with the help of 'scientists' Stanley Williams (Kaiser) and Herb Klein (Ben 'Beast Master' Hammer) to discover the truth behind the epidemic.

But they better hurry, as Harris has kidnapped Zorn and she's next for a wee bout of oily bee-based nakedness....

Some real life farm-type ladies yesterday who may - or may not be genetically spliced with bees.

From the obviously bad break up fueled minds of Denis Sanders, the writer of the fantastic Creature from the Black Lagoon and Nicholas Meyer, later to co-write and direct Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan as well as the HG Wells/Jack The Ripper mash-up Time After Time, comes this bizarre tale of sexy girls, fist-fights, pervy sex, violence, hairy backed old men getting naked and erotically charged nude motorbiking.

Oh, and bees.


Lots of bees.

But what's copious amounts of sex and violence without a good cast?

Possibly fairly entertaining but not as entertaining as seeing 'B' movie hardnut William Smith punching insect infected laydees that's for sure.

And if that's not enough our resident stud muffin is ably abetted by pouty ex-Playmate Victoria Vetri in her last film role before she retired to raise chickens in Idaho and the spellcheck defying Anitra Ford who at that point was on the cusp of becoming a permanent 70s exploitation fixture with roles in everything from The Big Birdcage to Messiah Of Evil via the first Cathie Cosby starring version of Wonder Woman.

Which is a good thing.

No, really.

Any excuse for a Victoria Vetri pic.

But it's not all sexy females on show oh no as for the ladies watching there are top notch appearances from mustachioed lard lord Cliff Osmond, Black Belt Jones' Sid Kaiser and Halloween II's Cliff Emmich.

Hmmm....now you think about it it basically is just sexy women on show.

Tho' there is a wee bit of girl on girl action too so that's OK.

 

 

"Juliet Bravo!"

As an interesting aside it does feature the only on screen role of Mary Sweeney - David Lynch's ex-wife and one time editor which gives you an excuse to watch it from a purely film connoisseur I guess and not just look like a sad lonely man who gets turned on by wanton nudity, lipstick lesbianism and mindless violence.

You're welcome.

Forgetting all that tho' the big question we have to ask is Invasion of The Bee Girls a satire of 70's sexual attitudes or an incredibly sexist exploitationer relying on copious amounts of T and A to film it's meager running time?

Who cares?

it's got nude ladies being smeared in honey by other nude ladies to a wonderful 'Ooooow wooooo woooo' spooky scifi soundtrack.


What more do you want?