foot and mooth.

Found this in the back of a cupboard yesterday whilst looking for a packet of Sharpies so I could actually do some work.

I love it when that happens plus between this, Big Legend and the frankly magnificent - in an utter pants way - Sasquatch: The Legend of Bigfoot (1976 - review to follow) we've been on a wee bit of a Bigfoot bender here at the moment which has made a nice change from all those sharks.

Abominable (2006).
Dir: Ryan Schifrin
Cast: Matt McCoy, Jeffrey Combs, Haley Joel, Christien Tinsley, Natalie Compagno, Ashley Hartman, Tiffany Shepis, Dee Wallace-Stone, Karin Anna Cheung, Lance Henriksen, Jeffrey Combs, Paul Gleason and Michael Deak.

“Hey ass monkey!  Eat this!”

It's close to midnight and on the outskirts of Ruralville USA, something evil is lurking in the dark.

Well I say evil but actually mean really hairy.

Hairier even than your nan's chin.

Enter (roughly from behind - natch) freaked out farmer Billy Goatsgruff (Linn best known as Frank Tripp from CSI: Miami and son of ELO founder Jeff) who alongside his wife Ethel (genre goddess Wallace-Stone) who have been rudely awakened not by the dustman but by strange noises emanating from the trees.

With their faithful hound Sparky (played with conviction by Ruby who actually has her own IMDB page) in tow they head outside to investigate, soon coming across (not in that way - I thank you) a gutted horse.

Which was nice.

Sparky - being a good boy and, more importantly dispensable - runs off into the woods only to be killed by a huge shadowy figure, the merest glimpse of which causes Billy and Ethel to leg it back to their house and hide behind the sofa as the mysterious figure shambles about outside and raids their bins.

Waiting till the beast has left before venturing outside the pair are (fairly) surprised to find not only all their rubbish scattered around the garden but also a set of big footprints on the ground.

Literally.

"Hello? Who do I haveta fuck to get off this movie?"

With the basic backstory out of the way it's time to meet our players who hope to if not entertain us with their thespian skills for the next 90 minutes at least give us a good laugh during their death scenes and first up is the fella who will be our hero for the films proceedings - the wheelchair using Mr Nice Guy Preston Rogers (The Hand that Rocks the Cradle and Police Academy 5 star McCoy), a man recovering from the death of his wife in a climbing accident (that left him paralyzed, it's not like he's lazy) 6 months earlier.

As part of his recovery Preston has been ordered to spend the weekend at the house in the woods that the couple were staying at pre-accident alongside the frighteningly ginger nurse Otis Wilhelm (FX man Tinsley in his bigscreen debut) who veers wildly from nurse Ratched style nastiness to doe-eyed caring depending on what the story needs.

And what it really needs now is a cult cameo to tell us that there's something scary in the woods.

Luckily  Jeffrey Combs is on hand (and wearing your dad's best clothes) to fill this role.

Almost immediately upon arriving at the house things start to go awry tho' beginning with Preston realizing that they've run out of Soy milk (he has allergies) so a grumpy Otis has to head back to town leaving our wheelie-hero to amuse himself with an impromptu game of dodge-em's with the shelves whilst gazing wistfully at photos of his dead missis.

His melancholic mood is soon broken with the noisy arrival of a group of sexy city girls - Karen (Hartman, best known as Holly Fischer in The OC ), Michelle (Compagno owner of Traveler's Bookcase, a renowned travel bookstore in Los Angeles), the midriff sharing C.J. (Maneater's Hot girl #3 Cheung), Tracy (Shepis - no introduction necessary) and Amanda (Haley Joel - who I'm sure isn't the wee boy from The Sixth Sense but you can't tell these days) - all set for a riotous hen weekend in the house next door.

Binoculars held in his free hand Preston watches the girls unpack in a totally non-pervy (or Rear Window) way before noticing something skulking about in the trees behind the houses.

Sounds legit.

Realizing that none of them are going to get naked and rubber peanut butter over each others lithe, toned tummies and thighs Preston is about to call it a day when Karen pops outside to call her boyfriend only to be snatched away by a big hairy beast leaving her phone lying in the mud.

Preston does what any self-respecting peeping tom would do in the situation and starts waving his arms around like an epileptic windmill as an ominous Lalo Schifrin score builds up in the background which just goes to show that sometimes you can be overly supportive of your kids.*

Unfortunately Otis had been longer than expected fetching milk so misses the excitement but when Preston tells him what's happened he puts it all down to the poor guy being hungry so heads into the kitchen to rustle up a nice meal for two.

Oh and to sneakily swig on a bottle of vodka.

I really know how he feels.

"You ain't seen me right?"

Night falls and realizing that Jeffrey Combs is still on set we cut to the man himself sitting around a campfire alongside some bloke who appears to be director Ryan Schifrin in a wig and local hunter named Ziegler Dane (Henriksen decked out like a gay 80s cowboy whilst visibly working out his alimony payments in his head) who are all searching for the mysterious beast in the woods.

After Combs claims to have heard noises in the distance Dane goes to investigate finding a half-chewed (yet still living) Karen in a cave begging for help.

As Dane reaches out for her the poor girl is dragged away screaming into the darkness and Dane - doing what we'd all do in that situation - runs away to warn his pals who immediately start shooting randomly into the trees.

Well one of them does, Jeffrey just stands there looking shifty as the beast picks them off one by one.

Preston meanwhile is busying himself contacting the local sheriff's office about the big monster stalking the area as the remaining ladies wander around shouting 'Karen!' in a way usually associated with (very) amateur dramatics before tutting loudly and phoning the police.

Obviously a text and a phonecall regarding a missing person at the same place must be a usual occurrence seeing as the police basically tell them to get to fuck. 

Giving up the search they head back inside, promising to search for Karen again after a few drinks and a game of  Twister, the thought of which makes Tracy come over all clammy so she decides to go for a shower.

As you do.

I mean look, if you have an actress who doesn't mind nudity you'd be a fol not to feature some.

Or a 12 year old boy obviously.

"Hello....Are you the blind man?"

Cue an incredibly unwarranted 5 minutes of Ms Shepis lathering herself up as Preston watches that's luckily cut short by a hungry Bigfoot pulling her thru' a window as he snaps her in half.

I don't think her ate her whole tho' as I assume he spat that bit out.**

Preston desperately tries to get Otis over to the window but by the time he's drunkenly waddled over the beast has gone.

Being a sensible type who never overreacts to pressure Otis reckons the best course of action is to sedate Preston but our hero grabs the syringe and  tranquilizes Otis instead.

As the naughty nurse drops to the floor shaking Preston has a clear choice, sit idly and watch Otis' mighty manboobs as the undulate beneath his cheap nylon smock or wheel himself back over to the window in the hope of seeing if the creature has left any bits of Tracy lying around that'd be worth wanking over.

But as he peers closer to the window the creature appears, roaring loudly at him causing Preston to faint, banging his head on the way down.

Well actually on a table but you get the drift.

Laugh when?

Preston quickly comes to (it's only the audience who are comatose) to hear the girls screaming about the mess Tracy has left in the bathroom, shouting to them that she was attacked by a monster the surviving ladies poo-poo this idea and assume she had her woman's period and has gone to look for chocolate.

With the beast approaching from the bushes Preston excitedly tries to get their attention but they ignore him (so what else is new?) but in a burst of intelligent thinking not usually seen in straight to DVD shlockers decides to call Karen's mobile and inform them as to what is occurring.***

After telling them about Tracy and Karen getting eaten he urges them to lock themselves in the cabin and to stay away from the windows.

Not because they're unattractive and will scare the locals but because Bigfoot may try to grab them obviously.

Right on cue the beast bursts in and the ladies hide -  Michelle in the upstairs bathroom and C.J. in a wardrobe whilst Amanda pops a lampshade on her head and pretends to be a light.

Blood in mah mooth!

Unfortunately Michelle lets rip a massive fart and the Bigfoot drags her thru' the ceiling before hugging her to death.

Stomping off to the living room, he totally fails to see Amanda but as he's about to leave the beast bumps into C.J. who - being a girl - starts screaming, scaring the poor creature who in retaliation grabs the nearest thing to him and lobs it out of the window.

Unfortunately the nearest thing to him was Amanda.

Dusting herself off she grabs C.J. and the pair run for their car where a by now  hysterical (but still tummy flaunting) breaks a nail trying to open the door.

Bigfoot seizes this opportunity to stomp on her whilst Amanda makes a break for Preston's cabin leaping thru' the front door just as Bigfoot finishes squashing C.J.

"Do you require any scissors sharpening?"

Comforting a by now (understandably) traumatized Amanda, Preston being a nice guy promises to protect her as he strokes her luxurious hair which no doubts helps him formulate a plan to rig a shit-load of booby traps around the cabin.

But alas we're running out of time (and patience and money) so all this comes to naught as Bigfoot bursts in and slowly approaches the pair leaving our dynamic duo no alternative than to abseil down the side of the house in the hope of making it to the car.

Dropping Preston off the balcony first to secure the ropes (it's not like the drop will fuck him up even more than he is already) Amanda quickly follows but the beast grabs the ropes and attempts to pull her back up.

Just as it appears that she's gonna get eaten the director remembers that Otis is still around so has him suddenly wake up and plant an axe in the beasts back before getting his head bitten off.

Fair enough.

With the beast in hot (and hairy) pursuit Amanda drags Preston toward the car in a desperate attempt to escape - and build some tension obviously - and the pair quickly scramble inside but as Amanda attempts to drive away Bigfoot grabs the vehicle and attempts to have sex with the exhaust pipe.

Possibly.

"I can see your house from here Peter!"

 Burning his massive uncut member of the pipe Bigfoot quickly lets go of the car and it crashes into a tree sending Amanda flying thru' the windscreen landing in a crumpled (yet still lovely haired) heap in the grass.

Luckily being constructed from high quality plastic she's OK.

As it moves in for the kill Preston - in a move that would make Edie MacReadie proud - starts to honk his car horn which disorientates the creature.

No really.

As it stumbles laughably behind the car Preston releases the brake sending the car - and poor Bigfoot -  careering into a tree and causing the still embedded axe to pop out thru his chest.

As the beast slowly dies (well I'm assuming it's dying but to me it looks like it's pulling my uncle Jim's sex face) Preston drags himself from the car and over to Amanda to check that she's at least still warm.

Look you take those chances whilst you can.

As the police - and ambulances - finally arrive, Preston and Amanda are carted off to hospital whilst the local sheriff, Barry Halderman (The Breakfast Club's Gleason) and his deputies head out into the forest to search for the creature whose body, in that good old fashion horror cliche, has vanished but as they're about to give up and go home for a tearful wank and a Pot Noodle a strange noise alerts them to the fact that they are not alone.

Looking up at the trees the men soon realise that they're surrounded by Bigfoots.

Or at least one Bigfoot added to the picture via a Top of The Pops effects filter numerous times.

Do you ever wonder if, when Alfred Hitchcock finished making Rear Window, he sat in the screening room and thought to himself "You know, this movies no bad an' all that but what it's really missing is a big fuck off monster eating people."?

Well director Ryan (my dad's considerably more famous than your dad) Schifrin obviously did and not just on a drunken night out with his pals cos he actually went out and made it.

And I've gotta be honest it's not half as bad as you think it's going to be.

True the score belongs in a much better - and much more frightening - production and the majority of its cult cast are pissed away on cameos but on the whole Abominable is surprisingly a fairly entertaining movie.

Well actually it's two separate movies - one the aforementioned Rear Window remake, t'other a standard monster flick - each vying for the viewers attention which is the real problem as one their own they'd probably be great little flicks but as it stands you end up wanting more of the psychological stuff regarding Preston trapped in the cabin as chaos and death occurs around him with only the bullish Otis for company but instead end up having to sit thru' loads of scenes of a big hairy man biting various cast members that always cut away as things getting interesting.

And by interesting I mean gory.

It doesn't help that when you see the beast in all its glory you realize that the fucker is the spit of the late, great character actor Jack Elam which kinda puts a damper on the whole 'scary' thing.

Go on, tell me it's not true.

Outside the crowd pleasing cameos the cast are actually not too bad - Matt McCoy and Christien Tinsley in particular are great together, yes they may be cliches but they're good cliches that work well within the movie, unfortunately everyone else on screen are really underdeveloped so you really don't care when they start getting offed.

Plus what kind of madman kills off the wonderful Tiffany Shepis rather than makes her the final girl?

It is possible to have her naked and survive in a movie you know.****

Probably.

"Sorry I have my women's period!"

Abominable may be total pants from start to finish but at least it's a fairly inoffensive and pain-free kind of pants.

But saying that so is getting felt up by your drunken uncle at Christmas so it's all a matter of taste I guess.





































































































*Tho' let's be honest anything except trying to sell them to a baby farmer for booze money when they were toddlers is pretty good going in my book.

Right mum?


**Can we have a quick 'cheers!' to this 'joke as it's now officially been used  2000 times on this blog.


***There's a huge thing earlier with him overhearing Karen's surname and him sending texts which I forgot about till this point and really couldn't be arsed rewriting it - Plus I couldn't find a way to add any childish banter - sorry.


****I think she actually reads this blog so hopefully she'll leave a comment.