peking duck.

Came across this on Amazon Prime t'other night and realised that although I have a copy sitting on the shelf I'd never actually watched it.

Well I have now.

Interesting eh?

The Mighty Peking Man (AKA 猩猩王, Gorilla King, Goliathon. 1977).
Dir: Ho Meng Hua.
Cast: Danny Lee, Evelyne Kraft, Feng Ku, Chen Ping, a big monkey and some other folk that I can't be arsed listing.

Action...Excitement...Spectacle beyond your wildest dreams and maybe a hint of lady breast!

After the always impressive Shaw Brother’s shower screen-based logo and the promise of some patented Shaw-Scope action our story opens at the famous Hong Kong Library of Things where besuited business bloke Lu Tien (Ku from Inframan) has gathered a group of his pals together in order to look at a newspaper featuring a photo of a footprint pertaining to belong to the prehistoric Peking Man who lives somewhere in the Himalayas.

It seems (well according to the wobbly dissolve flashback it does) that this big brute has recently destroyed a model village and a polystyrene mountain much to the chagrin of a group of black-faced extras who look equally bemused and confused as a moth-eaten ape that varies in size between shots growls grumpily whilst squashing them.

After this frighteningly realistic foray into the fury of nature we're back at the library where Lu Tien proposes that they mount an expedition (as opposed  to a wee boy) to capture the giant then get rich by giving him his own daytime TV show.

But who will lead this expedition?

Enter (roughly from behind) the greatest explorer in all Hong Kong, the Elvis haired  Johnny 'Fimbles' Feng (HK action god Lee) who as luck would have it has just fallen out with his girlfriend and is looking for something to take his mind of it.

Your dad's taking the divorce well.

Cue scratchy holiday film intercut with stock footage of animals and various beggars as - by the beauty of time-lapse - we can witness the entire (almost) journey to their first base camp in a matter of minutes as a fleet of ox-drawn wagons wobble and  trundle along dirt roads as an adventurous type score swells in the back and our heroes spend the time smoking fags and pointing at stuff.

On arrival our intrepid heroes discover that the village is deserted save for a huge blanket with rampaging elephants projected onto it.

Oh hang on I think those are actually meant to be real elephants.

It convinces the explorers tho' as they all run around shooting at random stuff whilst trying not to get squashed.

The director, quickly growing tired of all this excitement, shoos the elephants away enabling the expedition - and the film - to continue.

But not until Johnny has poured his heart out with regards to the girl he was set to marry shagging his TV director sibling Charlie which sent him careering into drink and depravity that culminated in him leading the expedition.

“You’ve got it made Johnny.” says his sexy mustached unnamed colleague, “Just grab the monster, take it back to Hong Kong and then you’ll be able to get any woman you want!”

Which is fair enough I guess.

With a knowing smile Johnny heartily agrees before telling the group it's bedtime.

What a guy.

Jackie Chan, up the casino, Wigan, 1977.....Yesch!

No sooner have the motley band of explorers had a shave 'n' shite the next morning when they're attacked by a tiger and chased into quicksand (it never rains) luckily Johnny chases the beast away but not before it's eaten one of the native bearers (rubber) legs.

Just to remind everyone that he's a wee bit of a patented bastard Lu Tien shoots the poor bloke in the face - his excuse? Well his cries of pain may attract predators.

Or maybe rats.

No time to mourn tho' as the expedition has reached the Himalayas and there's climbing to be done.

And more nameless extras to die in the name of adventure obviously.

As they - finally - reach the summit, Lu Tien, being a coward as well as being a trigger-happy bastard decides that he's bored and wants to go home.

Or at least back to his nice hotel in order to have some of 'the sex' with the local ladies.

Which is fair enough I guess.

Johnny tho' has other ideas (he's read the script) and excitedly rallies the remaining explorers who head further into the jungle where they catch glimpse of a semi-nude blonde cavorting thru the trees.

Giving chase the merry band soon come across a giant footprint that they assume belongs to the fabled (mighty) Peking Man so decide to set up camp for the night right next to it in the hope that he may return.

Unfortunately that evening Lu Tien bribes the surviving party members with a secret stash of Opal Fruits and persuades them to return to the hotel with him leaving poor Johnny alone without food or water.

Awaking suddenly the next morn to find himself totally alone with only an empty Pot Noodle container and a crumpled pile of stiff tissues for company, Johnny decides to cheer himself up by going for a walk across the studio backlot - sorry thru the jungle where suddenly, out of the blue a giant gorilla arm appears and picks him up before depositing him at the feet of  a smooth, milky thighed blonde (Kraft) clad only in a tiny leather bikini.

Kraft: Cheese.

Speaking in a strange jungle tongue (which sounds a wee bit like she's from Lower Gornal if I'm honest) our (shammy) leather clad lovely persuades the big monkey not to squash (or fuck) Johnny but instead to carry him to her bachelorette love cave where after some sexy fruit eating a whirlwind romance (featuring scenes of Kraft spinning cheetahs around her head till they're sick alongside shots of her amusingly getting elephants to give Johnny a trunk job and the like all cut to a bright and breezy 70s J-Pop ditty) begins 'tween the pair.

But it's not all fun and games (seriously I don't think it'll ever get that far) as we're soon into tragic backstory territory as one sunny afternoon the pair come across the wreckage of an airplane in a clearing in the trees - behind the bins obviously - and the merest sight of this (and the two papermache skeletons in the cockpit) causes our blonde beauty to start sobbing and wailing whilst randomly pointing at the bony pair screaming "PAPA! MAMA! BURNY! BURNY! BANG! BANG! WEEEEEEEEE!"

Scrabbling thru the corpses pockets for loose change Johnny finds a crumpled photograph of what he assumes to be the jungle girl as a child alongside her parents which prompts her to start dribbling into her cleavage and waving her arms about as she attempts to convey the sorry tale of how she arrived in the jungle.

It appears that when her family were flying back from the local Asda one weekend a terrible (as in badly matted) storm caused their plane to crash.

She was thrown clear - as opposed to tossed off obviously) before it was engulfed by flames and the next morn discovered by the Mighty Peking Man who adopted her.

Seems legit.

Having one last rummage thru' the wreckage for any unopened beers or bags of  crisps Johnny finds a diary that reveals the fact that her name is actually Samantha.

And on that bombshell the pair return to frolicking thru' the trees to a sexy samba beat.

"Oh look....somewhere to park my bike!"

The fun and happiness doesn't last long tho' as when Samantha (as we'll now call her as it's much quicker to type than 'flaxen haired jungle Jane' or 'milky thighed bombshell') sits down on a convenient rock to have a quick snack a deadly Cobra slithers up her leg and bites her inner thigh leaving Johnny no other option than to bury his head 'tween her legs and start sucking.

Which lets be honest is nice work if you can get it.

Luckily a nearby elephant picks up Samantha and carries her off to her cave where Johnny can continue his fantastic first aid technique in more comfortable surroundings.

Meanwhile back in civilization Lu Tien is busying himself touching up local prostitutes in the hotel swimming pool just to remind us that he's a bad 'un whilst at the cave Samantha is quickly recovering and as a thank you to Johnny for saving her life she stumbles into his arms for a wee kiss followed by a bit of bedroom action as the big monkey watches from outside living up to his name of the mighty peeking man.

Sorry.

Fancy trainers not shown.

All these jungle hi-jinks (and long lingering slo-mo shots of Samantha's smooth undulating breasts) can't carry on forever tho' and soon Johnny is yearning for the bright lights of the big city and scarily manages to persuade saucy Sam that they should head back to Hong Kong and take the (Mighty) Peking Man with them.

With Samantha now utterly enslaved by Johnny's cock (well she's only flesh and blood) she excitedly agrees and the trio head off to India where they can hitch a ride to Hong Kong thanks to Lu Tien and his huge freighter.

And yes they do all do appear to have forgotten that he's a bad man.

Thanks to some stunning model work (and someones bathtub) we're off on the high seas where the Mighty Peking Man is having a wet old time being chained to the deck of a freighter during a storm as a soggy Samantha looks on.

And if that wasn't a metaphor for BREXIT I don't know what is.

Luckily Johnny has bought her a (very) little present to cheer her up and fit in when they arrive in Hong Kong, unfortunately it appears that he wants her to fit in to the red light district seeing as the gift consists of a teeny tiny pair of leather hot pants and a basque.

Classy.

Being a modern free-thinking woman tho' Samantha throws the outfit away before falling back onto her bunk in all her naked glory to drift into sleep thinking about big hairy hands and bananas.

Class.

With the movie almost over we're soon in Hong Kong where crowds of (fairly) excited extras are randomly pointing at where the FX team will hopefully superimpose the Mighty Peking Man and his model boat at some point but whilst we're waiting for that  there's just enough time for Johnny to check in on his brother Charlie at the TV station.

After a quick chat Johnny realises that his brother wasn't to blame for the previous infidelity and that it was all the fault of his whorish girlfriend and with that Johnny and Samantha settle down to watch the recording of the Honk Kong equivalent of The Mini-Pops.

Phew glad that's sorted.

Whilst they're enjoying the sight of a pre-pubescent girl miming to The Spice Girls hit Wannabe who should enter the studio but Johnny’s ex-fiancé Lucy (Ping from Da lao qian, Big Bad Sis and Feng kuang da ben zei) who sneakily passes him a note to meet her in her dressing room.

Johnny leaps up and goes to see her where she begs him to take her back and Johnny -being stupid - passionately kisses her just as Samantha walks in.

Heartbroken Samantha runs off into the city (a veritable concrete jungle if you will) and Johnny gives chase.

Unfortunately he keeps tripping over his erection and soon loses sight of her.

"Look at me! I'm from Cradley Heath!"

Meanwhile the poor Peking Man is having a pretty shite time of it himself, chained as he is to a huge pole whilst overweight Chinese folk throw fruit at him as he attempts to juggle a couple of Tonka toys.

Catching a glimpse of these woeful shenanigans on a shop front TV, Samantha bursts into tears before persuading a couple of British tourists to drive her to the stadium where her monkey mate is performing.

She arrives just in time to catch his keepers amusing themselves by trying to push their brooms up his arse so desperately looks for anyone who can help.

Unfortunately for her the person in charge is Lu Tien and never one to not take advantage of a situation invites Samantha back to his office to 'discuss' the matter.

Taking a fairly sinister and totally unnecessary turn, Lu Tien is soon forcing alcohol into Samantha's mouth whilst pawing at her breasts with his chubby sausage fingers as she struggles to break free, finally pulling back the (non beef) curtains allowing the Peking Man to see her plight.

Understandably enraged he breaks free and heads over to the office as a terrified Lu Tien bundles Samantha into the back of his car in the hope of finding a nearby hotel where he can continue his monstrous molestation.

Ping Chen: Hairy back and arse.

Cue ten minutes of cut-price Kaiju style action as the Peking Man stomps on cars and pisses up a couple of cardboard buildings as he attempts to save Samantha from Lu Tien's rancid uncut cock.

Whilst all this pound shop destruction is going down the local (British natch) military have launched a counter-attack and ordered their entire (toy) tank squad to hunt down the beast and destroy him but luckily Johnny nd points out that Samantha can control the Peking Man and probably get him to stop smashing stuff so an APB is sent out to find Samantha who as we know is currently pinned face down on a bed as Lu Tien clumsily fiddles with his flies as he attempts to not prematurely fire his man muck over her peachy arse.

Luckily for Samantha (and her virgin ring) just as leery Lu Tien is about to unleash his engorged member the Peking Man pops his hand thru' the window and grabs him, waving him about before dropping the pervy ponce on the concrete and finally stepping on him.

Result.

Peow!

As Johnny desperately searches for Samantha and Samantha runs around the city in her pants the Peking Man amuses himself by stepping on, well everything really before climbing to the top of a skyscraper and baring his arse at the army helicopters.

Reckoning that a poorly aimed monkey fart could send him toppling down the army decide to fill the roof with petrol and set light to it so to this end send a crack squad to the roof.

Down below Samantha and Johnny are finally reunited and race to the frontline in the hope of convincing the head army man to order a cease-fire so they can head to the roof themselves and calm the Peking Man down.

Army man agrees but as our terrific twosome journey upwards the military are already planning to kill the Peking man.

And anyone who gets in their way..... 

Words!

From the prolific Shaw Brothers directorial mainstay Ho Meng Hua comes this Hong Kong/King Kong mash-up that was all set to rival not only the original King Kong but Dino De Laurentiis' Kong remake at the box office.

Until that is they discovered that it takes more than a couple of tin tanks, an old fur coat and a Swiss bombshell not afraid to furtively flash her nipples to make a classic monster movie.

And no, basing the female leads outfit on the one Marion Michael (barely) wore in Liane, das Mädchen aus dem Urwald doesn't count either.

And if I'm honest it only makes you feel guilty for remembering how obsessed you were with her as a teen.

Michael: Barry more.

It's not all bad tho'

I mean any movie that features HK action icon Danny Lee fighting stuffed leopards and shooting elephants can't be all that bad plus Evelyne Kraft manages to pull of the whole jungle virgin shtick with aplomb whilst wearing what looks like a leather duster on her arse whilst Feng Ku makes a great panto style villain - until the unnecessary attempted rape that is, a scene that's as unwanted as it is uncomfortable in what until this point has been a pretty straightforward boys own adventure.

Albeit one with a veritable feast of nipple slips.

Meng Hua Ho's direction is pretty solid - if a little point and shoot - whilst the score (credited to Yung-Yu Chen) is mainly made up of classic De Wolfe library tracks alongside copious amounts of Dmitri Dmitriyevich Shostakovich which give it an air of - threadbare - elegance.

Or laziness when it comes to the soundtrack, you decide.

Kraft: Slices.

Easily as entertaining as it's stablemates - the South Korean-American co-production A.P.E. (1976) and the Italian monster mash-up Yeti: Giant Of The 20th Century (1977) and scarily slightly better budgeted, The Mighty Peking Man is a perfect Friday night cheese feast of a film for anyone who enjoys a good monster movie or just enjoys seeing hunky Chinese guys topless.

Recommended,