slime time.

As ever, up to my eyeballs in real life shite whilst continuing the whole 31 days of horror thing and have hit the point where - knowing that no fucker actually reads this blog - I'm just pulling random shite from the cupboard and hoping for the best.

Bodes well for the rest of the month.

Bacterium (2006).
Dir: Brett Piper.
Cast: Alison Whitney, Benjamin Kanes, Miya Sagara, Chuck McMahon, Andrew Kranz, Shelley Dague and Jessica Day.

Invade, Infect, Mutate, Devour.
Then shite in mah mooth.
Obviously.

There's nothing like opening your movie with an exciting chase scene - especially when your mate owns not only a model helicopter but also his own painting and decorating business, so it's with this in mind that the first thing we see is two guys in big white paper overalls giving - airborne - chase to The Incredible Melting Man's less attractive brother before he explodes for some reason whilst hiding in a toy barn.

Tho' not Al's Toy Barn which is disappointing.

Obviously the explosion happens off screen of course.

Scarpering before the parkie turns up, the bio-suit boys decide to cross their fingers and hope the scary green vial that the melting man was carrying was destroyed, rather than actually land and go check for themselves.

It seems that secret government agencies just can't get the staff these days.

Or a realistic model park made to land the toy helicopter in.

Meanwhile in the local woods, the films plot begins good and proper with two young couples enjoying a friendly game of paintball.

No me neither.

Taking a break from covering each other in splatty sticky stuff, Lemon sucking bad boy Ryan Jiggs (Kanes - not the Rob Lowe character from Wayne's World, I think) and the bucktoothed blonde beauty, Beth (Alison Whitney, star of Splatter Beach and not, I repeat not Alison Brie whose photo someone had inadvertently posted on the cast list for this film on a dodgy Russian peer to peer site and which I've reposted here just because she's fairly yummy) happen across a seemingly deserted house and, reckoning that their other halves may be hiding inside (why? are they twelve?) decide to take a look around.

Almost immediately the come across mad as a bag of spanners Dr. Boskovic (McMahon, survivor of the car crash that was Vampire Lesbian Kickboxers), desperately trying to find a cure for the aforementioned melty man green stuff from the movies opening sequence.

Brie - not Larson and not in this film. Pity.

Surprised to see a couple of young folk wandering around his house he quickly informs them that the place is surrounded by heavily armed black ops types with orders to shoot at anyone or anything that moves and that the safest thing to do would be for Beth to strip naked whilst he gasses her.

For her own protection of course.

"Are you the farmer?"

Unfortunately things go a wee bit pear shaped almost immediately after Beth uncovers her breasts as Boskovic - excited at seeing a naked lady in real-life has a nasty accident involving a toothbrush and a cheese grater, becoming infected by the green goo he's tried so hard to find a vaccine for and it's not long before he too is shite-ing emerald slime from his mooth and pissing snot by the bucketful.

Meanwhile Brook (Sagara, possibly not the one that used to be on the Real Estate Board of New York) and soon to die Chandler (Kranz, definitely not Matthew Perry) have also found the house, meaning it's up to our four chums to stop the rapidly spreading alien gunk beasts without getting diced in the crossfire.

Just to add a wee bit more excitement to the plot, the fairly frisky general in charge of guarding/shooting up the house has decided that the only way to stop the creatures from infecting the earth is to explode a black hole bomb in the infected area.

Nope, nothing could possibly go wrong with that plan.

No sir.

Let's just hope some angry bikers don't turn up too.

I wouldn't want that swimming up my arse.

Ah, Brett Piper, the gossamer winged savior of the trash movie genre is at his best with this terrifying tale of slimy snotters hell bent on if not world domination the a cheeky pinch of a ladies arse.

I love this man and not just because he once made a nice comment on this very blog when I wrote about his movie Dying Day - a film that formed the basis to the terrific Raiders Of The Living Dead.

Chock full of crappy CG-ed effects, big bogie monsters and a bit of totally gratuitous nudity for good measure, his cast of non actors struggle game-fully to deliver pages of schlocky dialogue as a man in a painted binbag does his best to look threatening whilst pretending to scoff a pile of joke shop bones ALA the creatures from that 1966 Peter Cushing classic Island of Terror.

 (well, I say classic but I really mean not bad....well, I say not bad...).

The creature, feeling guilty for all the bad murders, attempts to give Shelley Daguea pearl necklace as a peace offering.

Quality bits to savour include Beth's boyfriend getting killed but no-one noticing, the already mentioned nude gassing and the dolls house under attack whilst a big green nose goblin throws action men at it.

"Hello it's the blind man!"

And remember kids, there is an important environmental message in the movie which by default makes it worthy of praise.

I must be getting soft in my old age because I think it's genius.

Still not you.