necro-mantic.
So who else had them finding the Necronomicon on their 2021 bingo card?
Always trying to see a bright side this is as good an excuse as ever to
take a look at what is probably THE best film to feature not only that
fabled book but also the famed Manga artist and part-time cosplayer
Ippongi Ban.
As well as the biggest collection of ex-shop display hoovers this side of a Dyson ad.
But who is this mysterious Ippongi Ban? I hear the less cultured among you type.
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| A comicbook yesterday. |
Born on January 4, 1965 in Yokohama City, Japan, Ban made her manga debut with Ippongi Bang's Campus Diary in 1983.
Published in Fanroad magazine, this semi-autobiographical work
originally focused on her experiences at the agricultural college (?)
before turning its attentions to the misadventures of Ban and her fellow
artists working at Studio Do-Do.
Usual plots included fights over who left a big poo in the the toilet and arguments over who is the best
artist.
You can still pick up issues online dirt cheap and if you buy the
American reprints you get the added bonus each issue of a colour poster
of Ippongi - usually dressed in a glittery bikini.
Which is reason enough for purchasing I guess.
Anyway enough of the chat, it's action we want.
As one final aside I'd just like to add that my copy has no subtitles so
I kinda had to guess as to the intricacies of the plot so forgive me
for any glaring mistakes.
Tho' the spelling errors are all my own work.
Enjoy.
Chô-yôma densetsu Uratsuki-dôji: Makai gakuen-hen (AKA Exorsister 1994)
Dir: Takao Nakano.
Cast: Ippongi Ban, Kei Mizutani, Yoshiki Fujii, Yuuya Fujikawa and Kan'ichi Hiraga.
Meet the sexily hatted, foxily fish-netted flayer of fearsome creatures
Maria Cruel, a demon hunter for hire armed with a six-gun and a
razor-edged crucifix who has sworn to protect Tokyo from the evil shag
monsters from Hell.
Which is nice work if you can get it.
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| Ban Ippong: Why? She's done nowt wrong! |
Anyway somewhere in that sprawling metropolis the nerdy 'schoolgirl' Brenda (who let's be honest is slightly too old to pull off the uniform, looking as she does a wee bit like a Japanese version of Olive from On The Buses - which if I'm honest isn't a bad thing) is strolling around the campus talking to the trees (as you do) when she's accosted by two cigarette smoking, short skirted bad girls.
These violent vixens decide to drag poor bespectacled Brenda kicking and screaming to an empty classroom where they proceed to steal her lunch money - and her clothes - before rudely pinching her nipples and smacking her admittedly peachy bum.
Brenda can do nothing but moan, wriggle her arse and squeal.
Returning home after a day of abuse at the hands of the bullies our nerdy heroine decides enough is enough and begins to formulate a way of getting even with the bad girls.
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| Angela Lansbury, up the casino, June 1953.....YESCH! |
Donning a frankly hideous pink fluffy jumper (no idea if it's related) Brenda intensely surfs the interweb in order to find a particularly nasty satanic themed revenge (again no idea why) and - surprisingly quickly - manages to find an evil website that enables her to summon a group of terrifying - if slightly mis-matched and shoddily realized - demons.
Seems legit.
This horrific terror tag team consists of a wheelchair bound old man capable of transmorphing into a rubbery (why, thank you) lizard thing; a housefly in a suit; a two–faced (by two-faced I mean he's wearing two overly large pound shop Halloween masks hastily glued together) demon; a really annoying she-creature wearing Cyndi Lauper's cast-offs and a pink wig; a massive moving shit and a man in a gorilla suit.
No really.
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| Jumper. |
And what will this demonic pact cost?
Her soul?
Her collection of Harry Styles memorabilia?
Nothing so mundane.
It seems that to consolidate the deal our schoolgirl chum must enter the demon realm whilst clad only in a pair of little white panties.
This must be part of an ancient Satanic ritual or something I guess, I mean the film's depiction of Satanism has been pretty spot on up till this point so why would it change now?
But that's not all because upon arrival she must allow the big big poo monster to lovingly rub Vaseline covered vacuum cleaner pipes on her.
In loving close-up.
For about twenty minutes.
After all this hoover action - I'll never look at a Dyson the same way again - the (by now slightly foxier looking and contact lens wearing) Brenda hits town to find her tormentors.
Hang on, wasn't that the demons job?
This pact with the devil hasn't really been thought thru has it?
Encountering bad girl bully no. 1 in a seedy bar she quickly administers a good kicking before disappearing back into the fog in order to seduce a drunk old man for a bout of badly filmed optically censored, pixel vision sex.
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| Fuck me it's Mark Kermode! |
Returning home to her hysterical (and not to mention hysterically bewigged) dad, she knees him in the happy sacks before shouting “Fuck you very much!” at him then storming off to her room.
There's only one person who can save his daughter now.
Enter.....the Exorsister!
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| You would (like you'd have a choice). |
Resplendent in leather bike boots, a 'kiss me quick' hat, Christopher Eccleston's shame stained old coat, crusty fishnets and a belt for a skirt, our fag smoking Saviour rides to the rescue (via 1970's style CSO) astride a big black Kawasaki, armed to the teeth and ready for action.
Meow.
Arriving at the house she sits down with a nice cuppa to consult what looks like the limited edition Anchor Bay 'Book of The Dead' release of The Evil Dead (no, hang on, it must be the real Necronomicon....it says so on the side), Ms. Cruel decides there's only one cause of action open to her and, armed with only a plastic Uzi water pistol she enters the girls bedroom spraying her with Holy water in the hope of banishing the demon from within her.
Unfortunately it's not just Brenda's soul that's at stake.
The demons have there milky eyes locked firmly on the school bullies too.
Will the Exorsister be able to save them from the demonic sex monsters before it's too late?
No chance.
 |
Is it just me or does her right
thigh appear to be floating? |
You see whilst all this water pistol action was going down the other demons have been passing the time subjecting the bullies to all manner of pervy, vacuum cleaner based, panty ripping, nipple slipping, noisy tentacle sex.
And let's be honest is there any other kind?
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| "Laugh Now!!!" |
Luckily (for who tho' I'm not sure, I mean the girls seem to be enjoying themselves - tho' not as much as the gorilla I'll admit) the Exorsister quickly bursts into the demon lair and kills all the monsters with her flying crucifix blade before shooting the tentacled turd-man in the face.
Look after all the KY-based cuddling there was only about 10 minutes left to tidy up the plot so they did their best.
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| "I love you....could it be magic?" |
Directed (if you can call it that) by Takao Nakano, the man who gave us the underrated Killer Pussy, the Exorsister is a frighteningly low budget spectacular (shot on Betacam fact fans) featuring more breasts than you could shake a - very slimy - stick at.
With guest appearances from Leatherface, a monster that consists of a tombstone toothed Japanese man dressed in a turd suit, girl on girl wrestling and hoover pipes on wires doubling for schoolgirl molesting tentacles I'm surprised that this series hasn't been picked up by children's ITV before now.
But is it any good and more importantly how does it measure up to classic western demon-based fayre such as RentaGhost or the Ghostbusters remake?
Well if you can ignore the fact that the movie has a budget that appears to run into minus figures, the vacuum cleaner tentacles, the climactic pan-dimensional fight scene being staged in a kiddies playpark, the dads wig, pixelated shagging, the lack of a proper plot and the obviously 30 something school girls then there is much joy to be had here.
Especially if you live in your parents basement and find the thought of talking to a real girl terrifying.
Which is near enough everyone reading this if I'm honest.
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| Put 'em away luv....No really put them away. |
Which is probably more than you - or I - have done with our lives if we're honest.
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| Print this out and you can give it to your gran so she knows what to buy you for Christmas. |
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