Friday, March 31, 2017

who knew.

BBC: "Doctor Who gets first openly gay companion in Bill Potts".  

Ahem.....Isabelle "Izzy" Sinclair.

Just saying.


Monday, March 27, 2017

lake flaccid.

Way back in 2010 I actually got asked to write something for a proper blog (I've never been asked since, go figure) about that genius of horror cinema the late great Paul Naschy.

You can read it here if you're interested, it's actually quite good for me.

Anyway it was during this fine piece of cinema scribbling that I mentioned how as a 7 year old The Crater Lake Monster looked like it could quite possibly be THE greatest monster movie ever.

Well scarily 40 years on and finally someone took the hint and sent me a copy.

So, was it worth the wait?

Go on, guess.

The Crater Lake Monster (1977).
Dir: William R. Stromberg.
Cast: Richard Cardella, Glenn Roberts, Mark Siegel, Bob Hyman, Richard Garrison, Kacey Cobb, Michael Hoover, Sonny Shepard, Suzanne Lewis, Marv Eliot, Garry Johnston, Susy Claycomb, Joe Sasway and Jim Goeppinger.

I've been stuffin' my shoes with newspaper for so long, my feet know more about what's goin' on than my head.

In the small town of Crater Lake, Northern California (twinned with West Bromwich), local science guy - the Lego-haired Dr. Richard Calkins (the sniggeringly named Hyman best known as the Desk Sergeant in the hit TeeVee show Insight) is annoyed to find his nightly tearful wank and Pot Noodle rudely interrupted by his over-excited colleague Desperate Dan Turner (Garrison who you might recall from his top turn as a Doctor in A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master).

It appears that he and his girlfriend Susan (Cobb who went on to be a technical advisor on A Bunny's Tale fact fans) have come across (look there's not much else to do around there) some remarkable cave drawings in the local woods (well in a cave in the local woods but I thought that would be obvious) that appear to depict a group of cavemen types fighting a Plesiosaurus, thus proving that dinosaurs existed at the same time as man.


Look I went to art school I've fuck all idea how 'the science' works...I mean why would they lie?

Plesiosaurus in mah hand!

Their excitement is short lived however when a hastily scribbled cartoon light - sorry I mean a flaming meteorite - appears from nowhere and crashes into the lake causing the cave system to collapse.

Coughing and spluttering in the darkness after barely escaping with their lives (their dignity however is totally destroyed) the trio are greeted by the porn 'tached local sheriff "Stubbly" Steve Hanson (Cardella who also wrote the screenplay) who offers them a lift back to town.

Several weeks pass before the Sheriff suddenly remembers the meteorite (he must have been busy) so he arranges to meet with the three scientists to go look for it.

Diving down to the bottom of the lake Susan and Dan discover it still smoldering away inbetween the usual shopping trolleys and dead gypsies resulting in the temperature of the water rising to approximately 90 degrees and all the fish dying.

To get a feeling of how fucking inane the whole thing feels so far just imagine a really bad episode of the X-Files genetically spliced with the much missed cult TeeVee show Rentaghost and you'd be halfway there.

Meanwhile in an attempt to add some excitement to the proceedings a local birdwatcher (sound man Scharn) is busy setting up his equipment.

In arse numbing detail.

For 15 minutes.

Luckily a monster suddenly rises out of the lake and eats him.

Well I say rises, it actually just appears to float shamefully against the background but they meant well.

Michael Jackson Vs Gojira.....FIGHT!

Obviously fearing for the viewers health (and sanity) after such a shit-scary scene the director wisely decides now is the time to introduce the movie's comic relief in the form of the bush bearded Arnie (Roberts not Eric) and the baw-headed Mitch (Siegel not George or Steven) a pair of denim clad stoners who've decided to start a boat rental service in order to make a fast buck and meet girls.

No, seriously.

It's not too long before they get their first customer - famed U.S. senator Jack Fuller (Eliot but not the small boy from ET) who, wanting a break from doing political type stuff (and your mum) decides to rent a boat for a quick fishing trip.

Luckily for viewer sanity he is soon killed by the monster. leaving only a blood stained (well paint stained if I'm honest) boat and a crusty old sports sock to show he was ever there.

Arnie and Mitch bring the boat back to shore and quickly call the Sheriff before trying to figure out how they'll explain it to their nan.

Shite in mah bearded hipster fuck mooth ya gentrified bastard!

Obviously the fact that anyone hiring a boat off them ends up getting eaten by a huge beast doesn't seem to bother the pair as in no time at all they're renting another boat (and one with an engine and everything this time) to top light entertainment couple Ross and Paula Conway (Hoover and Lewis - look is it really worth listing them as no-one in this movie went on to do anything of worth - except Lewis but more on him later....I need a reason to keep you reading) who,  on their way to a perform at a children's party have a wee bit of car trouble and need to get to the other side of the lake ASAP.

You can see where this is going can't you?

Yup, whilst puttering across the lake the polyester clad pair are viciously attacked by the monster and in the film's most terrifying and nail biting scene* attempt to outrun the beast as it chases them to shore.

The monster has flippers tho' so continues to pursue them even on land and is only stopped when Ross empties a handy can of petrol into the boat and sets light to it scaring the beast away.


With neither of their boats being returned to them within the alloted time and understandably annoyed by the fact that their business seems to be failing,  Arnie and Mitch have a massive fight on the waterfront only to stumble across the severed head of Fuller before things get too exciting.

Luckily the sheriff shows up and takes it away as 'evidence', ordering the pair to stay out of the lake and to stop their frankly homo-erotic wrestling escapades before they scare any children.

Kylie and Jason: The Pikey Years.

The pair hung uncomfortably and agree to pull together for the sake of the business before realizing that Ross and Paula are still out there somewhere.

Which means that they may just be able to charge them overdue boating fees.


Searching the shoreline - and being careful not to put their feet in the water - they eventually discover the burnt-out and battered remains of the motorboat along with the distraught couple who are sitting shaking on a nearby rock covered in shit and piss.

Which scarily manages to make them the most attractive members of the cast.

Meanwhile in a totally unrelated incident in a nearby town pube-haired bad boy Harris Tweed (Shepard) is busy robbing the local Aldi, shooting Clark the clerk in the face before violently bumming a customer to death.

OK I lied, he actually shoots her too but I just wanted to add some much needed excitement to the movie.

Plus she did have a great arse.

A typical 1970s lady of the type not bummed in this film.

Driving off into the sunset he soon stops at the Crater Lake diner for a donut, coffee and a big poo.

Unfortunately - for him - sheriff Hanson is also there enjoy a bagel and quickly recognizes the vile villain from the description given over the radio.

Tweed sensing trouble legs it into the woods pursued by Hanson and a gunfight ensues.

Being a crack shot (he was in Vietnam probably) the Sheriff shoots Tweed in the bum before dipping behind a tree to reload.

It's during this brief pause in the action that the director remembers that it's meant to be a monster movie so the creature appears and eats Harris whole.

Yeah I'd have thought it'd spit that bit out too.

Jumping out from behind the tree the Sheriff is surprised to see Tweed has vanished, all that remains is a big red jam like smear snaking into the water.

Shrugging his shoulders Hanson heads back to town where he's accosted by  Doctor Calkins (you forgotten about him hadn't you?) who has just completed the autopsy report on Fuller's head.

It appears that the wounds were caused by a giant animal that lives in the lake.

But we kinda knew that.

I wouldn't want one of them swimming up my arse....then again...

Going back to investigate the scene Hanson soon discovers several massive footprints in the dirt (and no doubt in the butter) but as he takes out his tape measure he's surprised by the beast itself bursting forth from the lake.

Hanson isn't so easily spooked tho' and fires his revolver at it before jumping in his car and quickly driving back to the doctor's house where he excitedly tells Calkins and his pals about the incident.

Obviously excited at the idea of having a living dinosaur in the lake, the trio are quite disappointed when the Sheriff informs them that he's going to kill it.

But first they decide to call a town meeting.

There's teasing us with promises of monster mayhem then there's pulling down our undergarments, rubbing us up till we're about to explode with pleasure then fucking off to make a cup of tea.

Can you guess which this film is more  like?

With the sheriff slowly going kill crazy and the townsfolk insistent on keeping the beast alive Calkins suggests that it goes to a vote but just as it looks like the townsfolk will win the local dentist Craig Ferguson (Sasway - like it fucking matters) bursts into the diner having just narrowly avoided a buggery from the beast.

This act of attempted arse banditary is enough to turn the tide against the creature and the townsfolk head out to build a makeshift barricade to protect themselves as the Sheriff commandeers the town bulldozer.

Luckily the town bike was too busy making coffee or things may have turned out a wee bit differently.

"Put it in me!"

 Will bulldozing might beat prehistoric power?

Will Arnie and Mitch ever make any money?

Will anything exciting - or just anything at all - actually happen?

Funded off the back of a pile of cash (just under $100,000 or so I'm told) he received as part of an inheritance - he also got a collection of nodding dogs and a caravan - William R. Stromberg's sole directorial effort is a mighty mish-mash of half-baked ideas, dead eyed performances and misjudged comedy hi-jinks topped off with a scratchy library score saved from obscurity solely thanks to the stunning stop motion work of David W. Allen - aided here by Star Wars alumni Phil Tippett on his days off.

Tho' according to star/co-writer and producer Richard Cardella the blame for the movie's (many) failures can be laid at the feet of the film's distributors Crown International.

In an interview given to my gran back in 1979 he had this to say:

"Crown International was part of the financing and they just screwed up everything!"

Key scenes were - allegedly - either cut or never filmed (including one where the beast ripped the roof off a topless dance club and gobbled up the performers - why are things like this always the first casualties?), the cheap library score was added to save cash and the finished product was given over to a one-eyed alcoholic with hooks for hands to edit.

"The asshole didn't even use a fade or dissolve in the whole fuckin' picture!"
complained Cardella before spiking her drink and slowly undressing her, pawing at her clothes with his big sweaty sausage fingers.


It can't all be the fault of some nameless hack editor tho' as I'm sure it wasn't him that decided - in their infinite wisdom - to give over a larger proportion of the films running time to the frankly wank misadventures of comedy tinkers Arnie and Mitch, I mean surely as co-writer Cardella has to take some responsibility for this.

"Are you looking at my bra?"

As a scary aside, Mark Siegel that 'played' Mitch actually went on to have a pretty good motion picture career - as a special FX technician, cutting his teeth  on John Carpenter films (as in he worked on them, he didn't bite chunks out of Escape From New York in a fit of pique) before moving on to Star Trek and Pirates of The Caribbean.

It says a lot for Crater Lake that the director chose to put him in front of the camera then.

See? It must be real...the 'news' papers say so.

Mercifully running at a scant 85 minutes - which unfortunately includes at least 60 odd minutes of arse destroying padding - Crater Lake is one of those movies (alongside The Incredible Melting Man) that signaled the death knell of the drive-in, Star Wars and Close Encounters were just around the corner and the face of low budget cinema was about to change forever with the release of Halloween.

Lo-fi sci-fi shlock was a dying art and if Crater Lake was it's swansong then it was a mercy killing.

Scarily tho' despite being complete and utter shite from start to finish the film went on to make over $3 million at the box office which just goes to show that the American public are in general are quite, quite mad.

And probably goes a long way to explain the popularity of Donald Trump.

But don't worry American cousins, we still love you.

*This is what we Brits call being ironic.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

the sting.

Saw this Brian (Society, Bride of Re-Animator and The Dentist) Yuzna classic about 5 years ago and had totally forgotten about it till I came across it in the pound shop earlier today.

Never turning down a bargain (ask your mum) I excitedly paid my cash and hurried home.

Returning home I noticed that the original review had only been read by about 5 people so as a public service I decided to rewatch it and see if it had gotten any better.

And had it?

Go on.....guess.

Amphibious 3D (2010 or is it 2012?....from the look of the whole thing I'll go for 1978).
Dir: Brian Yuzna.
Cast: Michael Paré, Janna Fassaert, Francis ("You're not taking Claire, Liam!") Magee, Monica Sayangbati, Francis Bosco, Verdi Solaiman, Timo Ottevanger and Elke Salverda in an ill fitting bikini.

If indeed you are what you eat then this poor fucker must of gorged itself on clichés and cardboard.



The oddly shaped - and even odder named - marine biologist Skylar Shane (Fassaert, an unholy hybrid of Uma Thurman and Noomi Rapace in a candyfloss wig) after drunkenly filling in her grant application realizes that if she hasn't proven the existence of giant shite encrusted sea scorpions by the end of the summer holidays she'll be sacked by the university and have to go back to tossing burgers (and old men off for coppers) in McDonalds.


I mean I really wasn't paying too much attention as I was still recovering from the sight of Elke (part-time actress cum traveler cum freelance writer and owner of and Green Up Your Life Events) Salverda and her comedy breasts being spiked by a computer generated winged dog turd in the opening scenes.

"Put it in me!"

Anyway, Skylar decides to hire salty sea man "handsome" Jack Bowman (an upsettingly bloated Paré, channeling Han Solo via a Fulham taxi cab driver) to aid her quest to find fossil samples and the like in the depths of the north Sumatran Sea.

Or the local public baths as we like to call it.

Bowman isn't all that he seems tho' and during the trip has to go visit a group of his fish smuggling, child kidnapping friends led by ex-Eastenders badboy Magee to whom he owes money.

Operating from a ramshackle wooden  platform in the middle of the sea, Magee and co. spend their days drinking, smoking, beating children and disguising fish as tourists in order to get them past Indonesia's notoriously strict passport control.

I.E. They are very bad men.

On arrival at the fishing platform, Skylar is approach by a pretty lipped young orphan named Tamal (Scrabble scoring Sayangbati from Ghost Island, Obama anak menteng and the fantastic The Beetle Soldiers), who was sold to the smugglers by a mad uncle cum wizard.

Don't you just hate it when that happens?

"Laugh now!"

It appears that due to a lack of facial hair, aforementioned kissy lips and obvious child bearing hips, Tamal is constantly picked on by the other crew members for being a bit gay, and upon meeting our heroine, begs Skylar to take him away.

Being an empathic kinda woman and still suffering nightmares due to the death of her daughter (I forgot to mention it earlier, sorry), Skylar is determined to help Tamal with or without Bowman's help.

Just not right now obviously as there's a gunfight and a bit of will they/wont they? romance to deal with first.

"Shite in mah mooth!"

Leaving the platform in a hail of gunfire, Bowman and Skylar head towards the local tourist island in order to experience the local sea scorpion festival and in Skylar's case to also have a few incense induced child death flashbacks before booking into a hotel for the night.

Padding anyone?

Maybe, but it does give us time to return to the smuggler's den where Magee has drunkenly beaten Tamal's pal to death causing our tiny chum to mutter curses whilst holding a special scorpion shaped pendant donated by that mad uncle I mentioned earlier.

Could this be related to the inky black blob spotted jerkily moving under the water earlier?

We soon find out as without warning (well except for the ominous soundtrack and change in picture quality) a giant plasticine poo with legs emerges from the water to snatch one of the pirates from his perch and into a watery grave as Tamal watches silently from behind the chemical toilet.

David Yip, up the casino, Margate, 1981...YESCH!

It's the next day and our heroes are out searching for stuff when they come across the putrefying corpse (or a passable facsimile of) Magee's henchman bobbing alongside the boat like so much discarded (Natalie) Wood.

Bringing it aboard for Skylar to have a fiddle with (well it's either this or Bowman's salty man tits...which would you choose?) she soon deduces that his body is full of a nasty venom that turns human flesh into latex.

Sorry, I mean into mush.

Worried for Tamal's life (or fancying a bit of rough, you decide) Skylar persuades Bowman to head over to the platform to check everything is OK and excited at the thought of some exotic foreign arse (or at the very least a wee boy's embrace), he agrees to her request. 

On arrival Skylar sneaks aboard the platform whilst Bowman drags that dead blokes body around whilst shouting "I never done it! T'was a big boy what done it and ran away!"

Unfortunately no-one gives a fuck, so it's not long before the shooting contest starts up again giving the heroic Bowman no other choice than to leg it back to his boat and sail away.

Leaving poor Skylar at the mercy of a cut-throat band of horny smugglers and, most disturbingly in a scene that would probably give Kenneth Clarke nightmares, a filthy twelve year old Indonesian boy who keeps rubbing his crotch and winking.

Janna Fassaert: Dirtier than your mum.

With Magee drunkenly preparing to kiss Skylar on the lips against her will his fat pal Bruno attempts to pull Tamal from the relative safety of the mumsy marine biologists arms but only manages to tear Tamal's shirt revealing that him is really a her.

No way.

And that's not all.

It seems that the creepy scorpion pendant given to her by the mad wizard bloke seems to control the mysterious creature, killing anyone who even thinks about harming Tamal.

Oh and that unrelated couple from the start obviously.

I wouldn't want one of them swimming up my arse.

And when the beast finally makes an appearance it's heralds an even stranger connection between itself and Tamal.

Alongside a sense of crushing disappointment obviously.

Will our erstwhile heroine and pudgy hero be able to unravel the mystery and kill the best?

Or will everything ended with a ludicrously illogical ending with no other reason than to set up a sequel?


Fucking hell Brian that was rough.

Not content with giving us a plot so rehashed and recycled that it could barely stand unaided, the once cult favourite heartlessly throws in the largest group of wooden actors this side of builders yard stranding them on a flimsy water-based shed and leaving them to the mercy of criminally cack handed editing and a CGI beast that appears to be rendered in shite.

Apart from that tho' it's not too bad.

By that I mean it's a damn sight better than his previous two efforts; the Paul Naschy starrer Rottweiler back in 2004 and the waterlogged - in more ways than one - Beneath Still Waters in 2005.

Inside Jimmy Savile's mind.

And when the only good thing you can say about a movie is that it stars the fish-lipped star of Dagon, the charisma free yet smooth of thighed Raquel Meroño  then you know you're onto plumbs.

But as much as I'd like to see every copy of this abomination burned every time I go to slag it off I just see poor Brian's face pleading to me.

A conscience can be a bad thing in this line of work.

Sunday, March 19, 2017

snow joke.

Picked this up for a pound in a charity shop last week (alongside a working Big Trak for £1.75) and thought to myself it's got Laurence Fishburne and the late great Bill Paxton in it, how bad can it be?

The Colony (2013).
Dir:  Jeff Renfroe.
Cast:  Kevin Zegers, Bill Paxton, Charlotte Sullivan, Dru Viergever, Atticus Mitchell, John Trench, Lisa Berry, Julian Richings and Sir Laurence of Fishburne.

"You know you're screwed when even the rabbits won't fuck."

 It's the year 2045 and - thanks to climate change and global warming - the Earth's climate is controlled by giant painted machines haphazardly matted onto CGI-ed cityscapes.

As is the way with such technology one day this fantastic technology breaks down causing it to snow.

A lot.

Humanity, bored with constant snowball fights and building snowmen, retreats underground to live in giant bunkers where life becomes a constant struggle against, lack of food, disease and trying to fight against an ever more clichéd dystopian SF background.

Albeit one that looks like it's been painted by a hook handed child.

"Try shite-in in mah mooth now ya frosty bastard!"

Leading this motley band of survivors are two ex-soldiers, Johnny Briggs (Fishburne) and Perry Mason (Paxton) - former colleges who now clash over the smallest things.

Tho' their arguments probably aren't as bad as the ones that they're having with their agents over why they're appearing in such shite.

The colonies days of cataloging seeds, shooting flu sufferers and trying to make bobble hats look fashionable are rudely interrupted however when the nearby Colony 5 transmits a distress call.

Being a nice caring guy Briggs - along with the handsome hero Sam (Josh Framm from the Air Bud film series himself Zegers) and the marked for death chubster Larry Graydon (My Babysitter's a Vampire star Mitchell) decides to head over to see what's occurring.

Leaving Sam's mop haired girlfriend Kai (Sullivan but not the one from the New Zealand Commonwealth Games Team) in charge whilst they're away the heroic trio head off into the snow.

Or in this case a computer generated approximation of it.

After what seems like a decade of heart-rending background chat and clumsy attempts at character development our merry band arrive at Colony 5 only to find the place deserted and the walls covered in blood and shit.

Which given the Aliens vibe so far isn't that surprising if I'm honest.

Deciding that a grue covered base isn't a sign to just fuck off home they decide to explore further, eventually coming across (you take your pleasure when you can) a locked door from behind which they can faintly hear sobbing and shuffling - noises usually associated with extreme stress or tearful Pot Noodle-based masturbation.

Sam manages to pick the lock (tho' not alas a ring) and find the mad as a bag of spanners Leland Palmer cowering in a corner whilst blabbing about transmissions and terrifying things.

A realistic post apocalyptic background yesterday.

Giving him a hug and a Cuppasoup the rescue party listen as Leland regails them (and us) with his tale of woe.

It appears that the colony received a transmission from a nearby group who'd managed to get the weather machines working causing the snow to thaw, unfortunately in their haste to set up a survival camp they'd forgotten to pack any seeds so are desperate to offer aid and shelter to anyone who has some spare.

Leland excitedly shows them where the signal came from but puts a fairly large damper on the situation by adding that when a Colony 5 expedition attempted to find the source of the transmission they attracted the attentions of a marauding band of crazy cannibals who followed them back and killed everyone.

Deciding that things are maybe a wee bit too scary to stay Briggs, Sam, and Graydon offer to take Leland back with them to Colony 7 but he violently pushes them out of his cupboard and locks himself back in.

As they head toward the exit Graydon notices the smell of freshly cooked bacon in the distance and - being a greedy fuck - runs off to investigate only to find a group of gypsy-types cutting up members of the colony whilst messily feasting on human remains.

Is your hair the only thing you let down at the weekend?

Being a portly fucker Grayden is quickly dispatched leaving Briggs and Sam plenty of time to make it to the exit ladder and out of the colony before destroying the shaft with a handy stick of dynamite they found earlier.


And with that the pair begin the long(ish) walk home unaware that the cannibal clan have survived and are even now tracking their footprints.

Which strangely enough haven't been covered by the constant snowfall.

Weird that.

Briggs realizing that the movie is in dire need of an action sequence save it falling into an unrecoverable coma suggests that they blow up the bridge they're crossing with dynamite (after the pair have crossed it obviously) but due to high winds and a need for tension the dynamite fuse blows out  giving Briggs a chance to run back and relight it - sacrificing himself in the process.

Obviously he was needed back on the Hannibal set the next day.

Cold, grumpy and shocked at the fact that given the choice 'tween Fishburne and Paxton the director appears to have chosen a large piece of (albeit pretty) wood to act as the films emotional centre Sam slowly limps back to Colony 7.

"Laugh now!"

Luckily the film has a fairly short running time so it's not long before Sam has reached his destination stumbling drunkenly into an argument between Kai and Mason.

Mason it seems wants to shoot everyone who has a cold whilst Kai wants to let them wander off into the snow and into the arms of a slow agonizing death due hypothermia because she thinks this is more humane.

Fair enough.

Sam's stumbling puts an end to the chat as Kai runs over to help him giving Mason the opportunity to knock the pair out with his rifle butt and lock them up.

Which is a blessed relief if I'm honest as the coast is now clear for Paxton to do his Hudson shtick as the base is overrun by cannibals.


But alas there's a wee bit more talking to do before this will happen.

As the clock to the films climax counts down and the fearsome flesheaters draw ever closer (probably) will Sam be able to convince Mason to take a chance at finding the sunny settlement over the hill or will Mason poo-poo the idea as even more unbelievable that the base will soon be under attack by savages obsessed with eating him?

Go on.....guess.

Competently made, nicely acted (from Paxton and Fishburne at least) and fairly pretty to look at The Colony is so professionally produced and safe as to make it instantly forgettable.

Devoid of originality, charm or even any notable novelty value it's a movie you've seen a hundred (or maybe a hundred and three) times before tho' usually not played this earnestly.

Scarily it took four writers - including director Jeff Renfroe - to come up with this, riffing everything from The Hills Have Eyes (for the lead cannibals look), The Thing, Alien 3 and even the Doctor Who story Utopia along the way - maybe they each took it in turns to strangle the joy out of everything they paid homage to or maybe it takes a special kind of talent to produce a script so lacking in character?

Saying that tho' some of the shots looked quite pretty and it's pretty obvious that most of the imagination and skill onboard where used for the end credits which are pretty cool.

Just a pity no-one told them that it's the 90 odd minutes that proceed them that are important.

The cinematic equivalent of watching badly xeroxed paint dry whilst drinking warm (but not too warm mind - you might burn your lip) milk.

Friday, March 3, 2017

people you fancy but shouldn't (frightfest special).

Noticed a distinct lack of cardigan wearing librarian types onscreen this year (unlike last time round where you couldn't move for sensible shoes) seeing as every female character seemed to be a bleach-haired bombshell with a gun.

Or a kidnapped schoolgirl drugged and chained to a bed obviously.

But fear not, in this celluloid sea of sassiness one woman bravely took a stand for A-line skirts and buffed up brogues.

And she fought a giant radioactive monster too.

It can only be Shin Godzilla's Mikako Ichikawa.

Thursday, March 2, 2017

jailhouse shock.

Been trying to put together a review of this years Frightfest but it's much harder than I thought seeing as the majority of movies were brilliant (except Cage Dive obviously) meaning it's a wee bit tricky to make cum jokes and add "Laugh now!" captions to everything.

"You ain't seen me....right?" I fucking wish.

Was beavering away all day and only made it as far as the first day when I gave up and decided to watch something a little less polished instead.

Unlike the directors cock whilst he was making it obviously.

So sit back and enjoy this terrifying tale about the ups and downs of life in a women's prison.

Imagine Porridge but with big 70's bushes and a guest appearance by the monkey faced Scandinavian sex kitten, Brite Tove.

Nu ji zhong ying (AKA Bamboo House of Dolls. 1973)
Dir: Chih-Hung Kuei.
Cast: Lo Lieh, Brite Tove, Wang Hsia, Li Hai-shu, Terry Liu, Niki Wayne and Roska Rozen.

It's sometime during the long hot summer of 1942 (but by the state of the lead actresses hair and make up it's more like 1972) and the world is at war, somewhere in Asia (my geography is very rough - a bit like your mum) a crack squad of hardened Japanese soldiers are in the midst of a battle to the death against a gaggle of sandal wearing, knee revealing Chinese resistance fighters in a red cross hospital.

Well as Davey Stott said, there's nothing like starting with a little explosion.

Officially looking for a downed American pilot but obviously out for revenge against the creepy communists for daring to rip off Ultraman with the Shaw Brothers 'homage' Inframan, our Japanese chums begin their copyright controlling assault by first shooting the lovely Hong Yulan's husband in the arse before bayoneting all the injured and old folk, finally standing over a pile of corpses lustfully gazing at all the sweating, shot to fuck Chinese ladies left cowering in a medical cabinet.

Whilst all this butchery is going on, Mr. Yulan, with his dying, fish smelling breath has managed to pass a secret message to his wife.

The whereabouts of his secret schoolboy porn cache however he takes to the grave.

Whilst carrying off the screaming Chinese ladies the Japanese troops hear a faint crying noise from behind a big beefy curtain, and on parting the aforementioned curtains are amazed to discover a handful of huge breasted European nurses in torn uniforms all huddled together in the dirt.

The quick glimpse of big pants is too much for the token Bald of head but magnificently mustached Japanese captain, who orders his men to take this group of second rate Europorn starlets to the local prison camp too.

The weekly Parkhurst knobbly knees contest was
always a hit with the under 12's.

On arriving at the prison (which bares a scary resemblance to Maplin's holiday camp from top Brit shit-com Hi-De-Hi!) the women are called to attention by the evil camp commander Inoue (Hsia, Mr. Wang from A Better Tomorrow), it appears he has something special to show then to get them all into the holiday mood.

What a thoughtful man.

He orders his men go and fetch a poor unfortunate prisoner he keeps in a corrugate metal shack know as 'the box', you see it appears that this woman was caught trying to sneak copies of Heat Magazine (or something) into the camp and, being an Take A Break reader the warden wants to make an example of her.

He orders his men to string her up by the wrists and (slowly) remove her dress in preparation for he punishment.

Enter (yes please) the foxy, tight uniformed and knee-high booted Mako (slinkily smoothed thighed Liu, the star of the aforementioned Infra-Man as well as Concubine and The Girl With Long Hair - worth a look for the cinematography alone), the whip wielding lesbian warden who angrily orders one of the other prisoners to beat the gossip rag reader to death.

At this point I had to pause the movie to check the heating as it appeared to be getting uncomfortably hot in my house.

Being a weak girlie, the other prisoner refuses so Mako (whilst licking her full, red lips) gives her a good beating until she breaks down in tears and decides to go along with the whip-based fun, which is all well and good till the unfortunate girl dies.


Overcome with grief (either that or the actress is having a stroke) the whipper (is that even a word?) starts crying and with the snot bubbles running down her face, runs off before throwing herself onto the electric fence, putting a damper on the whole affair.

There's always one who takes the joke too far.

After witnessing this vile scene the rest of the ladies (and most probably the crew) are increasingly desperate to escape from this living hell, except for the odd few who fancy a wee bit of dirty girl on girl action obviously.

"And that's Numberwang!"

Forced to work in the blistering sun sorting out stones into big plastic buckets whilst wearing shite covered mini-dresses and skimpy pants, it's not long before our cute captives begin plotting an escape but, being girls any chat relating to this soon degenerates into inane talk about make-up and idle gossiping as to who's going to get voted out of The X Factor.

But the girls' frustration soon comes to a head when during lunch they discover that the canteen is all out of those Skinny Latte things that they drink in Sex and The City turning a silly girlie strop into a full-blown, food based brawl.

Luckily for the cleaners commandant Inoue has just the thing to calm the prisoners tempers.

You see a group of Japanese soldiers are soon to arrive at the camp for some well deserved rest and recreation and it'll be the prisoners job to look after their every need during their stay.

Cue twenty minutes of family friendly rape based hilarity as one Japanese soldier, waving his his samurai sword around like a mentalist chases a poor unsuspecting barefooted girl around a (hellishly patterned) carpet covered in broken glass whilst another of the prisoners (Wayne in her only film role, pity) is so up for a bit of man loving she ends up being pleasured by a whole gaggle of greasy, tomb-toothed extras after her libido scares her original suitor away.

Just in case you were under the misapprehension that this was, in some way making light of sexual violence, one unfortunate lady just lies there, stiff as a board whilst wee Jimmy Nippon grunts like an asthmatic pig and wiggles his tanned, peachy arse.

And my word what a great arse it is.

Whilst this saucily speeded up shagfest is taking place, blonde bombshell Mary (Rozen) is hand picked by Mako to be her special love slave.

Mary however doesn't seem that pleased and needs to be held down as Mako, wearing nothing but a pair of shiny boots and a smile (oh, and a huge black leather strap-on) slinks towards her.

Cue much groaning and moaning and a fairly arty silhouette sex scene all played out to a soft core jazz score.


Anyway, now the sex is out of the way the producers reckon we can get back to the plot such as it is.

Yulan (remember her? - no me neither) has befriended the feisty Jennifer (top billed Tove from such classics as Danish Pillow Talk, Sexy Girls of Denmark, Bedside Headmaster and Swedish Fly Girls amongst others - ask your dad) as well as the whorish Elizabeth, the dirty Mary, ethnic Brenda and a token (yet instantly forgettable) blind bird whose name escapes me.

Being the named cast, our chained chicks battle against bitchy cat-fighting, electric nipple torture and gratuitously soapy shower scenes in order to plan an escape route to freedom.

Or at least to the nearest Butlins.

"Where's the soap?" "It does, doesn't it?"

As luck would have it, one night the camps (big) cook Ben corners Yulan and admits to being a Chinese spy who has actually infiltrated the prison in the hopes of busting her out.

Why? you may ask.

It seems that the secret message her hubbie passed onto her at the films beginning was the location of a load of gold he'd half inched from the Japanese earlier that week and the resistance wants to break her out in order to get access to the bootie so they can all fuck off to Majorca or something.

So, throwing caution (and their dignity) to the wind the ladies decide to mount an escape attempt that very night.

Seducing the guard with promises of sex and chocolate they bludgeon the poor sod to death whilst Ben breaks into the power generator room and using only a wooden spoon cuts the wires powering the lights and electric fence enabling them to run off into the night.

"Gun in mah mooth".

Whilst all this escaping is going on, Ben is grabbed by the guards (which is painful believe you me) enabling us to marvel at his close quarter bitch-slapping skills for a few minutes before he too mounts the fence and disappears into the night.

But as he approaches the girls a load of Japanese soldiers jump out of the bushes and surround them.

Ben bravely tries to help the girls but is cruelly gunned down, collapsing in a pool of blood mixed with baking soda and cherries.

Jennifer runs to his aid but it's too late.

As Ben lays there dying he gazes wistfully at her heaving cleavage and whispers that there's another Chinese spy in the camp who's willing to help them but the ladies must be on their guard as he's sure that one of their number is a filthy spy.

Returning to the camp Jennifer (very quickly, tho' to be honest we are halfway thru' the film) discovers that the camp’s ultra cool, aviator shaded, Elvis quiffed second-in-command, Cui Guodong (Hong Kong's answer to Timothy Dalton, Lieh - a man so sexy he could even persuade Tyson Fury to take it up the shitter) is the other spy.

It's not too surprising them when juicy Jennifer and gorgeous Guodong start indulging in a few candle lit sexy scenes under the pretence of planning another escape.

But time is, as they say, running out as the unknown collaborator is slowly but surely bumping off various prisoners in order of attractiveness.

Jennifer should be safe for a while then.

"Careful with Ms. Mako's love egg you little tinker!"

Next day it's business as usual; another escape followed by another recapture and finishing with a wee bit of torture (like a weekend in the West Midlands if I'm honest).

Only this time it's a bit more serious than a quick whipping by a big uniformed dyke as all six girls: Mary the lesbian love slave, Jennifer the chimp, Elizabeth (the nymphette), Yulan, Brenda and the blind one are spread eagled and staked to the ground in the boiling hot sun.

And just to add to their discomforted the other prisoners can see up their skirts.

How evil is that?

As they lie there baking in the sun thoughts turn to who the traitor could be and it's not long before everyone has decided it must be Mary due to her love of ladies (and huge leather strap-ons obviously).

Frankly I find this ludicrous, I mean if a love of anal or vaginal violation by means of a bit of dead cow were cause for suspicion we'd all be locked up.

Especially your dad.

So promising to be good and never to try and escape again our heroines are set free and sent back to work, stopping only occasionally to slap Mary around a bit.

But the commandant has had enough of these fiery fillies and is making plans to off them one by one.

Will they survive till the Chinese resistance arrive to save them?

Fury: loves the cock.

Described as both cruel and demeaning to women (tho' not to the viewers intelligence surprisingly) the late, almost great Chih-Hung Kuei's (of Corpse Mania, Coward Bastard and Enter the Seven Virgins fave) sexploitation classic Bamboo House of Dolls is way too camp and trashy an experience to be offensive to anyone but the most soulless, big booted SJW's and their joyless pals.

Oh and possibly your Granddad if he fought in Asia during World War 2, tho' even he might change his mind when the girl on girl action starts.

As an excuse for ninety minutes of in (as opposed to over) your face sex and comic book violence Bamboo House of Dolls certainly doesn't disappoint and what it loses in historical accuracy (huge breasted, curvy Eurostars sporting arse revealing flimsy, blue t-shirts pretending to be starving prisoners and Alvin Stardust-alike spies in tight trousers plus a fantastic Wah Wah jazz score) it more than makes up for with it's speeded up comedy shagging, a uniformed lesbian dominatrix and blood splattered scenes of machine gun action.

And that's just in the first twenty five minutes.

And that feeling of teen boy fantasy gone mad runs throughout the whole movie, packed as it is with shootouts, Kung Fu kicking, pantie wearing girls fighting Japanese soldiers, copious amounts of breasts and overgrown bush and even a slow motion car stunt.

Really, what's there not to love?

"I can't find the car keys!"

The most surprising thing about it tho' is how good the cast are. Simian saucebox Brite Tove is actually not too bad as the strong heroine whilst sexy action god Lo Lieh seems to be having a ball as the heroic stud muffin of the piece, imagine Big Roger Moore with high hair, sprayed on trousers and a pair of market stall shades and you're halfway there.

Trust me, you need this.