angry birds.

Everyone's gone a wee bit space crazy in Unwell Towers due to the Artemis II mission so we've spent the last week delving into the box marked "spectacular space stuff".

To be fair with all the boxing up and storing stuff for the upcoming house move this is the only box that's still in the house.

Enjoy.

The Angry Red Planet (AKA Invasion of Mars, Journey to Planet Four 1960).
Dir: Ib Melchior.
Cast: Gerald Mohr, Naura Hayden, Jack Kruschen, Les Tremayne and a hamster on stilts.

"You know, I can't say that I recommend spacesuits for beautiful young dolls. What happened to all your lovely curves?"

It's the brightly coloured (very) early 60s and the great men - and women who make the coffee - at space mission control are busy monitoring Mars Rocket 1 as it returns to Earth following the first manned expedition around Uranus.

Only joking, it's really been to Mars.

Obviously, I mean the clue is in the name.

It appears that everyone thought the rocket had been destroyed or lost (probably down the back of a huge Martian sofa) so is pretty surprised when it turns up on the monitors heading back to Earth so, although the highly qualified and slick haired technicians are unable to make contact with anyone onboard, they decide to fly the rocket by remote control back to base.

So far so talky with a chance of military stock footage.

When the rocket finally lands everyone is shocked to discover that of the four person crew only two have survived and one of them - the hunkyily horse-toothed Col. Tom O'Bannion (the voice of not only Reed Richards in the 1967 Fantastic Four cartoon series but also Green Lantern in the 1968 Aquaman show, Mohr) - has a massive green bogie stuck to his arm.

Luckily for those viewers not turned on by snot the other survivor is the chisel-chinned, shapely redhead Dr. Iris Ryan (Hayden, author of the best selling How to Satisfy a Woman Every Time) who, as is the way in 60s sci-fi, stumbles out of the rocket before screaming and then collapsing into someone's arms.

After a sweet cup of tea and a gently slap she regains her composure enough to report the full terrifying story of what happened on Mars.

As well as (in arse numbing in detail) the banal and slightly sexist - thanks lug-headed Chief Warrant Officer Jacobs with your sweaty sausage fingers constantly grabbing for poor Iris - trip to the planet that will make up a large part of the film's running time.

But for the sake of brevity (and sanity) let's skip that bit and head straight to the aforementioned angry red planet.

You're welcome.

Fake news.

You see it appears that Mars’ atmosphere contains a strongly ionized layer (or is it treacle?) that's impenetrable to radio waves which means that the crew have no way of contacting Earth, luckily they have loads of old tape reels lying about so they can at least record the audio of everything that's going on ("Oh look! it's a red rock! - Oh look it's another red rock!" etc.) and with that  decide to go out and explore anyway.

I mean what could go wrong?

Well almost everything.

For a start Mars' atmospheric density is so low that it muffles every sound and making it impossible to hear unless everyone is really shouty (it'd suit your dad then) and the atmosphere is so ionized as to make everything look like it's been coloured in with felt pens.

Tho' that may just be a useful film-making gimmick to hide the fact that most of the backgrounds, plants, building etc. are actually crude child's drawings.

Add to that, the Martian 'jungle' (OK 3 pot plants and a bush) is teeming with giant, tentacled, man eating (well Iris grabbing) plants that look like fannies.

Actually the last bit doesn't sound too bad if I'm honest.

Unfortunately (for the viewer) Jacobs (Kruschen from shed loads of stuff) has a special 'freeze ray' rifle that disables the killer plant before it can tear any of Iris' clothes off.

And with that they all head back to the rocket for tea and biscuits and a lecture on space stuff from resident egg-head Professor Theodore Gettell (Tremayne, the voice of God in the 1985 series Greatest Adventure Stories from Bible).

But Gettell's lecture is interrupted by Iris' screams (again) when she notices a three-eyed ball-head beast looking in thru a porthole.

Putting it down to female hysteria the crew call it a night and go to bed.

Your mum yesterday.

Up bright and early for a second day of exciting space exploration, O'Bannion is caught short whilst digging up weeds and sneaks off for a sly piss against a nearby tree which, it turns out, isn't a tree at all but the - by now soaking wet - leg of a 40 foot tall hamster/bat/spider thing.

Which is unexpected.

As the beast tries to crush Gattell who's conveniently placed himself between 2 rocks, Jacobs fires his freeze ray at the beast but to no avail until that is he aims at its face and turns its eyes to ice.

Or something.

Suffice to say it totters away screaming never to be seen again.

Unless you're a fan of top pop shockers Misfits obviously as the beast surprisingly turned up on the cover of their 1982 debut full-length album (Misfits) Walk Among Us alongside some shoddily photocopied flying saucers.

They can walk where they want, it's the constant mooth shite-in that bothers me.

 After wiping himself down and zipping back up O'Bannion decides that what they all need is a seaside picnic to cheer themselves up so to this end the group head over to the sandy shores of a nearby lake filled with what seems to be vinegar and piss.

A wee bit like Saltcoats then.

Unfortunately O'Bannion realises that he's left the rubber dinghy in his other jacket so promises that they can come back for a paddle the next day.

So the crew excitedly head back for an early night in preparation for some holiday style fun.

Naura Hayden: Tunnel or funnel?

Unfortunately Dr. Gattell has other ideas, you see he's convinced that, with all the killer fanny plants, pissy lakes and giant rodents, it's way too dangerous to stay on Mars for the full five day mission and that they should all go home and O'Bannion realising that he'll have more chance scoring with Iris if he plies her with cheap booze agrees so everyone straps themselves in and prepares for take-off.

After a splutter and a wobble reminiscent of your Mum on Christmas Eve the rocket just sits there as the crew look at each other in a confused manner.

Or it may be constipation.

Who knows?

Pulling a set square from his pocket, Gattell oohs and aahs over the control panel before informing the crew that they are being held in place by some kind of force field and that the ships engines would need to be more than 100 - maybe 102 - times more powerful to escape.

And on that bombshell they all decide to head back to the beach in the vain hope that Iris has packed a space bikini.

"Ooh Vic....I've fallen".

The next morning our merry band head off to the shore, unpack the dinghy and set off across the lake where - after what seems like hours of inane chat and paddling - spot an island in the distance with a huge skyscraper (or at least a fairly well sketched picture of one) at its centre.

Excited at the prospect of finding intelligent life on Mars (obviously the crew don't count) our heroes begin paddling ever faster but their journey is interrupted when a giant boggle-eyed cabbage bursts out of the water and blocks their path.

With the stench of rotting foot and PVA glue filling the air - and with the film fast approaching its climax - the astronauts have no choice but to paddle back to shore for  if not their very lives then at least to save their careers.

But the creature has other ideas as it follows them ashore with a massive plop  first eating the raft and then scoffing poor Jacobs whole.

And you'd think it'd spit that bit out.

Things go from bad to worse tho' as O'Bannion is infected by the creatures spores as he attempts to grab the fiver he's owed from Jacob's dead body, leaving Gattell and Iris to hot-wire the spaceships hull in the hope of electrifying the massive cabbage to death.

"Is it in yet?"

 With O'Bannion confined to his bunk - his wanking hand rendered useless and poor Gattell mid heart attack it's left to Iris to save the day but just as she's about to take off a booming voice is heard over the rocket's intercom.

It seems that three-eyed thing that Iris saw earlier was - in fact - the official spokesman for the Martian hive-mind and he has an important message for all humanity.

And with that Iris promptly faints.

"Spice Girls number one for Christmas.....MONSTA!"

A slow dissolve takes us back to a tea drinking Iris as she finishes her fantastic tale and a gaggle of science types look wistfully at each other has they decide what to do next and figure out what the message from Mars actually was.

Women eh?

Luckily the whole thing about electrocuting the cabbage was useful in treating O'Bannion's infected arm and when he regains consciousness he remembers that he'd left the tapes recording in the hope of catching Iris having a fiddle whilst the others were sleeping so the whole Martian message should be there.

Result.

Excitedly the team head over to the rocket, press play on the tape machine and await the aliens words of wisdom......

Or is it a dire warning?

From director Ib Melchior (who, as a writer, gave us the classic story that inspired Death Race 2000 as well as being the true creator of Lost in Space and providing the English language script for Mario Bava's Planet of the Vampires) and from a story outlined on a napkin by producer Sidney Pink comes this (fairly) wacky and (sometimes) wild Mars based masterpiece that's featured special effects and cinematography are quite possibly more recognizable than the film itself, thanks in part to the utterly bizarre - and often hallucinatory camerawork of the great Stanley Cortez  - probably better known for his work on The Magnificent Ambersons, Night of the Hunter, The Naked Kiss and Shock Corridor who decided - after a few ales probably - to film the Martian exteriors using an experimental process called Cinemagic - a technique where black and white film is hand tinted giving the film a strange almost  3-D quality.

Luckily it also covers up cardboard sets and hand drawn monsters so everyone's a winner really.

Except when you're watching in high definition obviously when those cost-cutting techniques look oh so painfully obvious:

My advice is get screamingly drunk first.

Talking of being half-cut the cast are fairly enjoyable and do not bad with what they're given, which in the cases of  Gerald Mohr and Jack Kruschen appears to be lessons in seduction from Harvey Weinstein seeing as they spend most of the journey to Mars either pawing at poor Naura Hayden or commenting on her 'terrific pins and curves' whilst - in the case of Mohr - showing off way too much old man chest resplendent with greying tufts of hair.

Well it'll keep your Gran happy if nothing else.

Naura Hayden: pins and curves.

And whilst the film's direction might be flatter than a pancake and the script dull as dishwater it does have a saving grace in the aforementioned giant hamster beast which is as terrifying today as it was to a 6 year old boy furtively gazing at it in an old copy of Famous Monsters magazine.

Which probably says more about me than the movie.

Recommended.

Sort of.

never ending story.

Twin 2 is currently spending every waking minute rewatching the 1960 George Pal classic The Time Machine due to her having a huge crush on Rod Taylor (and who can blame her?).

So to shake things up a wee bit this afternoon we watched this....

"I wouldn't want one of them swimming up my arse!"

World Without End (1956).
Dir: Edward Bernds.
Cast: Nelson Leigh, Christopher Dark, Rod Taylor, Hugh Marlowe, Everett Glass, Shirley Patterson, Lisa Montell, William Vedder, Nancy Gates, Booth Colman and Mickey Simpson.

Our women seem to have lagged behind in their evolution into reasonable creatures. They actually admire these reckless and brutal men.

It's March 1957 (probably a Tuesday) and top space science types Dr. Eldon Galbraithe (The Adventures of Sir Galahad star Leigh), bequiffed navigator Henry Jaffe (Dark who was once in The Time Tunnel), radio operator and all round sexyman Herbert Ellis (Taylor, our reason for watching) alongside team leader and professional action hero John Borden (The Day The Earth Stood Still and Earth Vs The Flying Saucers star Marlowe) are returning to Earth after a successful reconnaissance trip to Mars.

Bloody hell you couldn't move for spaceships parked around the red planet in the 50s could you?

What appears to be a routine flight full of fun and banter turns scary when the rocket suddenly accelerates to an incredible speed, rendering the crew unconscious and sending their ship hurtling - well wobbling - thru' space before crashing on a snow-covered mountain.

Coming to and deciding to make the best of the situation the gang go for a walk down the mountain and soon coming across some ancient gravestones leaving Galbraithe to surmise that the rocket was subjected to a wee bit of 'time dilation' (isn't that the way?) and that they're now stranded on a future Earth, the heightened radiation that the ship has registered outside being from a devastating atomic war that occurred at some point in the past.

Which seems legit.

This news is taken particularly hard by Jaffe tho', as he soon realizes that his wife and children must be dead.


Well either dead or they moved to Birmingham.

"Does my skin look buttery?"

Deciding that Jaffe needs something to take his mind of his families demise the rest of the team send him off to explore a nearby cave, hinting that it may be full of Leprechaun treasure and with that he merrily jogs along to take a look, unfortunately it's not full of treasure but is, in fact, chock full of giant rubber spiders intent on scoffing poor Jaffe.

Well I say chock full but I mean there are two of them.

Or maybe just one and it's edited to look like two.

Either way it looks utter shite, meaning there's more chance of Jaffe dying of embarrassment than getting bit.

Anyway before it can get too exciting Ellis fires his load(ed gun) into the beasts eyes and the group run away only to be almost immediately attacked by one eyed, furry nappy wearing mutant survivors of the war - or 'Mutates' as they call them.

It never rains.

"Hello we're from Cradley Heath!"

Seeking shelter in another (less cobwebby) cave our hunky bunch are surprised (there's a fair bit of that in this movie) when a gleaming, totally not incongruous, metal door slides open revealing the entrance to an underground city populated by the - non mutated - descendants of those who survived the atomic war.

Descendants who are now spending their days clad in shower caps, ballet tights and massive gold chains in an attempt to look all clever and utopian.

In charge of this motley crew is the thin legged Bob Timmek (Invasion Of The Body Snatcher's Glass who spends the whole movie looking fairly embarrassed at the tightness of his - well - tights as they not only reveal what side he dresses to but also what he had for lunch, poor sod), who is aided and abetted by the oh-so slightly fey James (Pearl Jam's Vedder - thankfully uncredited) and the harsh faced Tober Mories (father of Doctor Who stars Olivia and  Jenna as well as TV Planet of The Apes monkey, Coleman) who, feeling threatened by the sheer amount of manliness on show decides to plot against our time-traveling team.

Well that and the fact that his betrothed, Timmek's daughter, the mini-skirted minx Garnet (cheeky chinned TV stalwart Gates) has the hots for Borden.

John that is not Stan.

Oh hang on that's Boardman isn't it?

Sorry. 

Beware this room is not full of candy.

 

You see, it seems that life underground has caused the men to become less virile and manly whilst in contrast, the women have all de-evolved to look like 50s starlets complete with incredibly pointed bras and tiny shiny skirts and they appear to be constantly gagging for it with a couple of them - the council estate Rita Hayworth Elain (Patterson) and serving girl Deena (Montell, be still my beating heart), both fighting for the attentions of Ellis who at this point is topless for some reason.

Anyway, our heroes decide that the only way humanity will survive (apart from them having sex with all the ladies which may be a wee bit tiring - especially for Galbraithe) is if everyone heads to the surface, kills the 'mutates' and soak up some vitamin C so to this end they attempt to persuade the underground community to arm themselves and help them to reclaim the surface.

But alas they can't be arsed.

Tunnel or funnel?

From that point in the film descends into chatsville - via discussion town - intercut with scenes of Garnet gazing lustfully at Borden whilst begging him to make love to her in the rugged style of the men in her old romance novels.

Which is nice.

"Hey honey....you fancy a wee bit o' mooth shite-in?"

Tired of all this testosterone fueled tomfoolery, Mories hatches a plan to discredit the time travelers by stealing their weapons from James' bedroom and planting them in their quarters.

How fiendish.

Unfortunately as he's grabbing the guns James appears from the bathroom and has no sooner pulled up his tights as Mories beats him to death.

Ouch.

He then sneaks into our heroes room and hides the guns in Borden's sock drawer.

Framing the foursome for the foul murder of poor James, Timmek has no choice but to have them expelled but luckily - for them - Deena was in their room having a wee fiddle whilst sniffing Ellis' underwear and saw the whole thing.

Much shoving and pushing ensues as Mories flees to the surface only to be bummed to death by mutants.

Helmet.

With Mories out of the picture, Timmek decides to throw away his pacifist ideals and help our heroes manufacture a bazooka with which to kill the mutates but Deena - having been rescued from the outside as a child - informs everyone that the mutates are actually quite small in number and that they used (non-mutated) slaves to do all the heavy work for them.

With this knowledge Borden offers to fight their chief, the hairy back and arsed Naga (yellow skinned cartoon star Simpson) in single combat for leadership of the group and the lives of the slaves.

Obviously they blow some shit up first just to show they mean business.

Will Borden beat Naga or will evil triumph over good old fashioned American strength?

Will our heroes return to the past or choose to build a new world surrounded by dozens of adoring ladies?

Go on, guess.

Lisa Montell: Foil wrapped for freshness.

With a plot so good it was later ripped off for The Mole People (which like this owes a huge debt to The Time Machine), World Without End was originally envisaged as a cheap way to make some extra cash for filmmakers Allied Artists by reusing footage, sets and costumes from their earlier movie Flight to Mars and because of this World Without End balances uncomfortably 'tween being a silver age SciFi classic and cheap seat-filler - for every highbrow question on humanities quest for survival and pacifism vs aggression there's a rubber arachnid or boss-eyed beast in a furry nappy waiting around the corner.


Luckily it's saved from obscurity - and dragged from the gutter by not only its fantastic cast - especially Hugh Marlowe, Lisa Montell and Rod Taylor - but also by the frankly bizarre mix of folk who worked behind the scenes, including the legendary Sam Peckinpah (who worked as its dialgoue director) and strangest of all, probably the worlds most famous/greatest pin-up artist Alberto Vargas as concept/costume artist.

Which explains a lot if I'm honest.

Especially that tingly feeling I got whenever any of the space ladies turn up onscreen.

Vargas: Sauce pot.

And let's not forget director Edward Bernds who, although not the greatest director who ever lived makes sure the film is never dull - which frankly is a godsend after watching some of it's contemporaries.

Yes I'm looking at you The Mole People.

Again.

With a career that spans everything from directing The Three Stooges to writing the Elvis movie masterpiece Tickle Me via The Queen of Outer Space and nearly (accidentally) winning an Oscar Bernds makes sure that the film never gets too talky and throws enough action, sexy ladies and silly hats at the screen to make it an enjoyable if fairly forgettable cinematic experience.

Go on, you know you want to.

If only for Lisa Montel's midriff. 

foot in mooth.

Well we're well and truly into the new year here, the kids are back to college tomorrow so we can no longer get completely drunk every night as real-life is about to rear it's ugly head and as expected the weather is absolutely Baltic.

So decided to celebrate the end of the holidays with this classic mainly because:

A. It's set in a cold place

and

B. I remembered that this time last year I'd been waxing lyrical about Nigel Kneale in an actual commissioned piece (I get some occasionally) which shows at least someone at some point liked what I write.

Anyway, enjoy.

 

The Abominable Snowman (AKA The Abominable Snowman of the Himalayas, 1957)
Dir: Val Guest.
Cast: Peter Cushing, Maureen Connell, Arnold Marlé, Richard Wattis, Forrest Tucker, Robert Brown and Wolfe Morris.

"They killed him. It was the sound of that howling. He couldn't stand it - it drove him mad."

The corduroy loving academic-type Dr. John Rollason (Cushing) alongside his lusciously librarian-like wife Helen (Connell) and their bespectacled colleague Dr. Peter Fox ( Wattis) have come to Tibet to make a study of the rare medicinal herbs used by the local monks at a remote Buddhist monastery at the foot of The Himalayas.

But Rollason's reason for being there isn't all to do with his plant based potterings as our erstwhile chum has a secret obsession with all things Yeti based.

So to this end he has arranged to meet up with brash American mountaineer cum salesman Tom Friend (original Ghostbuster and star of The Trollenberg Terror, Tucker) in order to - hopefully- track down and capture the beast, much to his wife's chagrin.

You see he had a bad accident last time he tried climbing (he fell off the roof fixing the Sky dish) and had specifically promised not to do it again.

What a rotter.

Peter farted....and it was an eggy one.

She's not the only one set against the idea tho' as the local lama (Marle) would much prefer Rollason to concentrate all his efforts on his studies of the plants too.

You see the lama is totally convinced that there's no such thing as the Yeti, explaining to Rollason the the legends - and noises - are probably just wolves.

Or maybe rats.

Plus winter is coming meaning that the already treacherous mountains will quickly become unclimbable.

A wee bit like your mum.

Or is that unmountable?

Either way neither of those, it seems, are real words according to my spellchecker.

Neither wistful wife nor knowledgeable Nepalese can sway John tho' and he excitedly joins up with Friend’s party - Edward Shelley (latter day Bond boss M, Brown) and Andrew McNee (Brill) as well as a single native guide Terry Kusang (Morris) - and heads off the very next day.

"Scarf on mah neck!"

 

Although the group may seem small (as in members wise, Tucker is sporting some mighty manbreasts), Friend has planned it with almost military precision, the previous year he ordered a much larger team into the mountains to prepare their base camps in advance and stock them with such supplies as non-perishable food, rifles, first-aid gear, and radios.

In fact everything a Yeti hunting expedition would ever need including a huge sledge to bring the beast home on.

Sorted.

They've no sooner left the monastery tho' than things start to go awry with Rollason realising that his plan to merely observe the creatures in their natural habitat has been superseded by Friend's plan to shoot one and bring the body back for exhibition.

Which he really should have asked about before they left if I'm honest.

The situation isn't helped by the fact that NcNee has encountered the beast (or at least heard it) before and is slowly losing his mind at the thought of encountering it again.

Typical bloody Scotsman.

Maureen Connell: Ask your Granddad.

 

As tensions flare and feelings run high the group bicker and bitch as they climb higher and higher but when poor McNee accidentally steps into one of Shelley's patented Yeti-traps and breaks his ankle resulting in much crying and poor old Peter Cushing having to bathe his stinky foot.

But things are about to take a turn to the sinister as that very night a Yeti sneaks into their camp (but not alas their hearts) and starts poking McNee thru' the tent walls.

Grabbing his rifle Shelley lets off a few rounds and kills the beast but not before Kusang has run away back to the monastery, leaving Friend, Shelley and Rollason to drag the bugger back to camp alone.

Upon their return tho' they notice that McNee has gone for a wander, climbing barefoot up a treacherous cliff whilst announcing that he loves big feet - or something - before falling to his death.

Meanwhile back at the monastery, Helen is so worried about her husband that - in the films most erotically charged scenes - she's taken to stomping around in her fluffy PJ's and a pair of big boots whilst shouting at everyone.

Fox, ever helpful suggests that she goes back to bed and get pissed but Helen, being a woman refuses and storms off to see the lama before deciding to blow her entire housekeeping money on hiring all the other sherpa's and mounting a rescue mission.

Girl power eh?

"I can see your house from here Peter!"

This it transpires is probably for the best seeing as by now Rollason, Friend and Shelley are currently being harassed by the dead Yeti's pals and as a combination of cabin fever (not the movie tho' thank fuck) and the lack of oxygen begins to take effect the three men must battle against not only their own fears and prejudices but a mysterious species that appears capable of invading their very minds.....

After hitting the horror big time in 1955 with their cinema-sized adaptation of Nigel Kneale's BBC classic The Quatermass Experiment, Hammer Films looked to repeat its success, first with a sequel in everything but name in X The ~Unknown (Hammer actually wanted it to be a Quatermass movie but Kneale refused permission for the character to be used due to Brian Donlevy's scenery chewing performance) and then with a big screen adaptation of Kneale's Himalayan horror The Creature which had been broadcast two years earlier.

Retaining Peter Cushing from the TV version but pairing him with an American co-star - Forrest Tucker replacing Stanley Baker - due in part to secure co-funding from producer Robert L. Lippert who also held the rights to distribute Hammer's films in the United States, The Abominable Snowman is a low budget slow burn of a picture that's as creepy as it is thoughtful.

"Oh Vic....I've fallen."

Inspired by the then recent reports concerning the mysterious Yeti, fueled in part by Sir Edmund Hillary’s photographs of large footprints while ascending Mt. Everest in 1953 as well as the 1954 Snowman Expedition (sponsored by the Daily Mail of all things), The Abominable Snowman plays against our expectations of a Hammer monster movie by having the titular creature not some blood crazed beast intent on killing everything with a normal shoe size but a creature that is determined to hide from man, waiting patiently to reclaim their world again once the ape-upstarts have destroyed themselves.

Their only acts of aggression against the humans is with a subtle use of telekinesis and telepathy, slowly driving the group mad as broken radios continue to broadcast and dead companions cry from the snowy wastes.

It's themes like this that not only would Kneale revisit but so would Doctor Who especially in its Quatermass inspired series 7, much to the writers mild annoyance.

"Brrrraaaa Shuper Ted! Do you require any scissors sonically sharpening?"

Unfortunately this wasn't what folk were looking for and The Abominable Snowman failed to find an audience at the box office.

But whilst the film is a wee bit of an undiscovered classic it's not all perfect,  Tucker is a wee bit of a set-chewing Shouty Kenneth but with the original being lost who knows if Baker was any subtler, plus the addition of Helen and Fox to the story adds nothing to it except a wee bit of a saucy thrill for any viewers with a 50s secretarial sex-fetish when Connell wanders passed in her fluffy oversized PJs and walking boots.

But just because the film was a wee bit of a flop doesn't make it any less enjoyable plus it's head and shoulders above most of the horror output of the time.

Bizarrely enough tho' we should really be thankful for it's less than stellar box office as its due to its relative failure plus the diminishing returns of Quatermass II the same year that Hammer decided to re-invent their horror output for a rapidly approaching new decade.

For it was later that very year that the company unleashed The Curse of Frankenstein, quickly followed by the horror powerhouse that is Dracula, changing the face of British horror cinema with it's new found focus on blood, boobs and bare flesh forever.

king for a day.

 

 

Celebrate the birthday of Godzilla with 60 minutes of Gojira grooves, Kaiju cuts and massive monster mixes.

 

hammer time.

 

Day 25 of 31 days of horror and this one got unceremoniously left out of my frankly pathetic attempt to entice new readers with my Jaws inspired Sharkathon a few months back when I literally forgot to post it. 

Enjoy.

Hammerhead Shark Frenzy (AKA Shark Man, Hammerhead, 2005).
Dir: Michael Oblowitz.
Cast: William Forsythe, Hunter Tylo, Sir Jeffrey of Combs, Elise Muller, Arthur Roberts, G.R. Johnson, Mariya Ignatova and Anton Argirov.

Amelia Lockhart: You're going to impregnate me?

Dr. Preston King: No....

[pointing to the mutant shark man in the tank]

Dr. Preston King: .....he is.

Somewhere on a deserted island that it must be said looks a wee bit like a garden centre forecourt somewhere in Bulgaria where life - and shooting permits - are cheap, mad as a lorry scientist Dr. Preston King (genre king Combs) is desperately trying to find a cure for his son Paul's terminal cancer.

Which is fairly cheery I'm sure you'll agree.

As is the way with science-types in this kinda film King decides the best course of action is to use stem cells taken from Hammerhead sharks and merge them with those of his dying son.

Sounds legit.

Unexpectedly shark DNA can, in fact completely cure all known cancer (who knew?) but the downside is that it causes humans to mutate into hideous half man, half shark monsters.

Thank fuck RFK Jr. never saw his research papers, like he needs something else to blame for Autism.

"And if you lie on it for a while first it feels like someone else!"

Anyhow, feeling that someone should really check up on Dr. Kings wacky experiments - plus realizing that a film consisting of 90 minutes of Combs injecting stuff into a teenagers pert buttocks probably wouldn't appeal to a horror crowd -  a group of his former colleagues, led by eminent fish expert Dr. Tom Reed (William ' the kids school fees are how much?' Forsythe) and including Paul's ex Amelia (The Bold and the Beautiful's Tylo) and for some reason a vacuous blonde bimbette in a flouncy dress and pink jelly shoes (Muller, star of the equally fin-tastic Raging Sharks reviewed elsewhere on this blog, I'd put up a link but think it'd be more exciting for you to try and find it yourself) named Jane decide to make a surprise visit to his island lair for chat, tea and cakes.

Yum.

Upon arrival they are horrified (I say horrified but it's more like mild indifference) to discover not only the mutant hammerhead shark man but a dingy lab stuffed full of half-naked, oily women strapped to tables and shelf upon shelf of pickled shark hybrid fetuses.

Which is nice.

Deciding to give King the benefit of the doubt (but not getting him to remove his coat indoors so he'll get the benefit of the warmth) our merry band ask the scatty scientist to explain what's going on.

Adjusting his spectacles King announces that he really wants a grandson (makes sense) and it appears that he'll stop at nothing to finally hear the pitter-patter of tiny fins around his laboratory.

Trouble is that shark-mans foreplay technique appears to consist of biting chunks out of his dates.

Artificial insemination wont work either as shark-man can't really reach his own penis with his stumpy claw arms and his dad (understandably) will only do so much for him.

But now that Paul's lost love Amelia has turned up King decides on another course of action that involves drowning the rest of the party in his handy water tank before re-introducing his son to Amelia for a candle lit meal, followed by some wine and - hopefully - culminating in a wee bit of slap and tickle.

With maybe an optional bit of biting.

Sounds like a pretty average date growing up in the midlands if I'm honest.

"Hello French Polishers? You may just be able to save my life....tho' not my career!"

 

Taking a moment to think it over our motley crew instead decide to make a break for it, escaping down a handy overflow pipe and into the dense jungle - well, the local park - surrounding the complex.

Unfortunately they've failed to take into account that the sneaky scientist has his own private army on standby for just such a situation.

But that's not the only problem our heroes have to face for it appears that Paul is out for a stroll (paddle?) and is hungry for blood.

And maybe, just maybe a wee bit of fish on femme action.

Dirty boy.

One by one, the cast of has beens, wannabes and ne'er do wells are slaughtered by sharky - first to go is King's assistant Julie (Bulgaria's Got Talent host Ignatova - no really) as he/it messily eats her whole.*

But Paul is still hungry, violently lunching out on a fat lab assistant before scoffing Jane.


Which frankly is a mercy killing.

Leaf me alone.....Elise Muller prepares for a fucking good rooting.

After another couple of chases, near misses and vicious attacks, the Doc persuades sharky to return to his paddling pool for a special treat.

It appears that he's managed to trap the ex in a shed.

Which if nothing else would make a great title for a new Channel 4 show.

Bulgaria may have talent but it also appears to have a distinct lack of chairs. And underpants.

Stripped to her - admittedly very nice - undies and covered in baby oil, Amelia can only watch in horror as King lights some candles, pops on a Barry White CD and straps her to a table in readiness for some saucy shark sex.

Laugh now!

Will William Forsythe arrive armed to the teeth to take out the randy fish before it has chance to show poor Miss Lockhart his famous French flipper trick?

Will the cameras catch Combs silently weeping at the realization of what he has to do to pay the mortgage?

Will we ever find out why every single one of the female cast appears to have visited the same plastic surgeon and why they all decided that 'melted market Barbie' was a good look?

Or will sharky triumph?

I drew this.

Quite possibly the best mutant hammerhead shark movie to feature Jeffrey Combs, Hammerhead: Shark Frenzy is a laugh a minute, flirty gore fest of the highest order, teasing it's viewers with promises of rubber monster mayhem, needless nudity, buckets of blood and the exciting prospect of girl on shark action.

Obviously it doesn't really deliver (especially not on the girl on guppy gyrating) but it did inspire me to do some quick sketches afterwards that I'm happy to share.

Sorry, I have my woman's period.

Plus somebody must have been impressed otherwise how do you explain director Michael Oblowitz's stratospheric rise to fame, I mean why else was he picked to direct 2008's most important movie, the fantastic Romantic Resorts, a beautiful documentary focusing on America's five most romantic destinations for lovers, weddings, honeymoons and anniversaries?

And don't forget he also gave us - whether we wanted it or not - the Billy Zane/Rumor Willis shocker The Ganzfeld Haunting, something of which we should be eternally grateful.

If only for giving us the sight of Taylor Cole drunkenly snogging Rumor Willis on a comfy sofa with the tags still attached.

Can you smell petrol?

Talking of which, if you ever find yourself drunk on a sofa - alongside either Willis or Cole -  you could do much worse than watch this.

Jeffrey Combs is, as always infinitely watchable and the shark-man costume is a rubbery (thank you) delight to behold - being far more realistic than the silicon and plastic form of Hunter Tylo if I'm honest, add to the mix a veritable art store shelf of paper thin non actors (with the exception of William - my alimony payments have hiked - Forsythe) and a bevvy of oiled ladies and you have the perfect Friday night film.

Especially if you're a tragic and lonely single guy still living at home in his 40's and your mom and dad have gone away for the weekend.

Which is probably most of the folk reading this.

Yes indeed I know deep down that it's utter shit, but it's top quality shit and that's all that matters.

Tomorrow.....something halfway decent.

I promise. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*No he didn't spit that bit out.

ziggy sunburst.

On the home stretch now so reckoned it was time for a wee bit of straight to SciFi Channel (RIP) goodness.

 

Enjoy. 

Arachnoquake (2012).
Dir: Griff Furst.
Cast:  Tracey Gold, Edward Furlong, Bug Hall, Ethan Phillips,
Megan Adelle, Gralen Bryant Banks, Dane Rhodes, Paul Boocock, Skyy Moore, Tiara Gathright, Olivia Hardt, Grant James and Lucky Johnson.

Jumbo spiders, some as big as dwarves!

A massive (off-screen) nighttime earthquake has cause even more massive CGI holes to appear in and around New Orleans (and not, I repeat not Orville, Texas as it says on the back of the box) and from these holes crawl an army of mutant albino arachnids.

Using sonar to detect their prey, these multi-legged monsters can also shoot web strong enough to capture a man, spit fire and walk on water.

Oh yes, and due to a lack of care when it comes to continuity between the computer 'artists' they appear to be getting bigger or smaller depending what scene they're in.

"Laugh now!"

Anyway, that's the monsters dealt with so let's meet the human cast, first up is our hero for the next 90 minutes, a young ne'er do well named Paul (Hall, from the Robert Hays comedy series Kelly Kelly) who spends his nights drinking and shagging and his days helping out with the family tour business alongside his Hobbit like dad Roy (Star Trek: Voyagers Phillips) and his blonde 'n' buxom sister Petra (Hot Hot Los Angeles star Hardt, best known for snogging American Horror Story's Alexandra Breckenridge in an episode of the Courteney Cox TV show Dirt).

It appears that due to his excess drinking, random sodomizing and habit of losing the tour boat, Paul's dad has decided that if anything else at all goes wrong he's going to kick poor Paul out on his ear.

His last chance of redemption?

Take out the tour bus that's been booked by teachers from a Houston school, in town for a girl on girl baseball match.

Sounds legit.

Furlong, using a matchstick defends the Corgi bus from normal sized spiders yesterday.

Unfortunately the class assistant is stuck in bed covered in webbing leaving biology teacher Katelynn (ex Growing Pains star and arch nemesis of the Cybermen, Gold) and her kids Annabel (the long faced Adelle) and Justin (Moore) to their own devices whilst dad Charlie (the one mighty Furlong, now looking younger - and considerably shorter -  than his kids) has to drive the Baseball babes back to Houston.

It's a terrible job but someone has to do it.

Deciding to make the best of it, the family decide to take the tour themselves alongside a motley crew of wannabe spider fodder including a grumpy old man (James) and the Ghetto-tastic newly weds Glenn and Tina (Johnson and Gathright).

"It's behind you!"...Well it will be in a couple of months when we've added it to the background.

As the tour begins our bus riding 'rachnid snacks soon become aware of the mysterious holes in the road and the tiny eight legged terrors emerging from them.

Tho' due to budgetary constraints you can catch glimpses of local residents going about their every day lives in the background, totally oblivious to the drama unfolding on the streets.

Spiders crawl across roofs and passed cars as commuters head to and from work, families enjoy a picnic and shopper look for bargains. it's almost as if only a chosen few can see the eight-legged beasts.

Either that or the production was so threadbare they couldn't afford to close of the roads for shooting.

"Monsta!"

Will our heroes survive the giant spider situation?

Will they make it to Roy's boat in time?

Will Paul take control and become the hero the movie deserves or will he end up just so much spider snack?

And just how many times can you be distracted by the lead actresses frankly pendulous freckly mommy breasts during one movie?

Even tho' they're quite securely held in place by a V neck top.

Only one way to find out.

Font.

All hail the multi talented actor/director Griff Furst (Chase from the fantastic Monsterwolf), beaming to us from a world where the 50's monster flick never died and finally proving with the shoestring shocker Arachnoquake that you can, in fact polish a turd.

I mean come on, when a movie's DVD sleeve gets the plot wrong you know you're in trouble and when Edward Furlong turns up with the obvious DT's and the haunted look a lost child trapped in a hotel room about to be horribly murdered by a hooded bad man you know there's something amiss and the whole endeavor should by rights be utterly devoid of any entertainment value.

But guess what?

Arachnoquake is actually really enjoyable.

JD Vance's attempt to change the batteries in Melania's vibrator were doomed to failure.

True the spiders look like they've been rendered on a Casio calculator by a blind boy and everything is shot in uncomfortable close-ups to disguise the fact that no-one bothered to seek shooting permission but the cast are great with enough one liners, spider attacks and humour (mostly intentional but with a few unintentional thrown in) to totally win you over.

Plus it's probably the only movie I know of where the hero dons a deep sea diving suit in order to enter a giant monster and tie a stick of dynamite to it's intestines before failing out it's arse.

Need I say more?

 

Tomorrow, something a wee bit more expensive.

 

Probably. 

i am the claw

Today's 31 Days of Horror is almost a tribute of sorts to Jodie Whittaker's final fling as Doctor Who* (our youngest is obsessed with rewatching that episode at the moment and we're on half-term holiday so I've seen it about 40 times this week) seeing as this also features a charisma-free blonde fighting a cheap and totally unrealistic monster in a volcano whilst pretending to care about the environment.

And yes, I am still bitter over what they did to the show. 

 

Alien From The Deep (1989).

Dir: Anthony M. Dawson (AKA Antonio Margheriti).

Cast:  Daniel Bosch, Marina Guilia Cavalli, Charles Napier, Luciano Pigozzi, Robert Marius and Don 'The Dragon' Wilson.

No really.

Bob: The danger is gone! The danger is OVER!!

Somewhere in a boating lake near the directors house, no nonsense environmental activist - and part-time underwear model -  Jane (Cavalli - imagine if you will Patricia Arquette drawn from memory but with way too much attention spent on her thighs) alongside her bleach-barnetted best bud and cameraman Lee (the late, great Marius from Warriors of the Apocalypse and Driving Force) are traveling to a remote island in order to expose the evil and decidedly environmentally unfriendly E-Chem company who they've discovered are dropping drums of toxic waste into a volcano for some reason never explained.

In charge of operations at E-Chem is the permanently angry, Budweiser supping (I'm sure there's a sponsorship deal going on) Colonel Kovacks (massive mouthed ginger prince Napier who was in everything from First Blood, to Silence of The Lambs via Austin Powers and your nans bed) who, when not accusing his security guards of not having any balls angrily threatens to cut the balls off any scientists who ever question him.

Seriously the entire film is testicle obsessed, even Jane keeps talking about how she has the biggest balls of anyone around.

Which in this day and age I'm not sure is deeply disturbing or stunning and brave.

Don't bother writing in to tell me which, I genuinely don't care.

"Aya....mah BCG!"

Anyway talking of testicles, the facilities chief scientist Dr. Geoff Geoffrey (genre whore Pigozzi, best known for skulking about in his pants in the classic Yor) warns Kovacks that all the shite that they're shoving into the volcano is sending plumes of radioactive energy into space and that there's a good chance that if aliens exist, one might turn up to fight them in order to get more/stop them releasing all the energy.

Or something.

Kovacks of course reckons he's talking shite.

Whilst all this science-based chat is going on, Jane and Lee have not only had a meal with the local vicar but also managed to break into the chemical facility and get enough video evidence to put Kovacks and co. in prison for a fairly long time.

Unfortunately the pair are spotted on camera and Lee is taken prisoner after hiding the videocassette behind a bin whilst Jane escapes by hiding under a dog blanket in the back of a helicopter before, in a scene that'd make the Bond stunt team shrug slightly (probably), jumping into a river and straight into the arms (sort of) of the slightly predatory (it was acceptable in the 80s) Bob (Bosch from Good morning Babilonia and Rossini! Rossini!), a bespectacled, shotgun wielding snake wrangler who lives in a caravan in the jungle. 

Seems legit.

No need.

 

After some flirty banter, a shower and a candle lit meal for two (plus a few cans of Budweiser of course) the pair make a plan to rescue Lee (and the tape) from the E-Chem facility which sounds dead exciting till you realise that the plan literally involves walking up to the front door, knocking the aforementioned front door and asking if they can have their friend back.

Surprisingly this works but unfortunately Kovacks has been pumping Lee full of 'the drugs' so he can't actually remember who he is, let alone where he left the tape so the pair grumpily drag him off to a nearby cave to recover.

Meanwhile back at E-Chem central Dr. Geoffrey is excitedly informing Kovacks that he was right about the aliens thing earlier as it appears that one may have landed in the pond outside the base the night before.

Obviously no-one saw it tho' because it was dark.

hmmm.

Being either really gullible or really bored Kovacks orders some divers to investigate but within minutes of hitting the water (and in a flurry of grainy, out of focus footage the unfortunate fellows bob to the surface having been melted by something in the water much to the chagrin of the poor bloke driving the boat who in a vain attempt to rescue them inadvertently hooks a huge great dildo instead which proceeds to fire stinky gunk all over his face causing him to lose control of the boat.

And no doubt his bladder.

Well, that's Nan's Christmas present sorted.

 

In an attempt to control the situation and not panic his staff Kovacks shoots the poor bugger in the face, causing the boat to crash into the dock and explode before helpfully calming Geoffrey's fear of an impending alien invasion/nuclear meltdown by explaining that “This is war and that’s something I know a lot about.”

I feel safer already.

"Not the face luv!"

 

Back at the cave, Jane and Bob have gone out to get some snacks leaving Lee to sleep off his drug hit, unfortunately his rest is disturbed by a huge plastic claw bursting out of the ground and covering him in even more green gunk that leaves him looking like a moldy half chewed Toffee, albeit one that screams and shits itself as Bob bravely attempts to shoot at the claw from a nearby rock.

Jane is fuck all help as she almost immediately trips over and sprains her ankle - the obvious extra weight from actually wearing trousers is just too much for her ickle fin legs.

You'll be amazed when I tell you that Bob's boomstick actually scares the creature away but both he and Jane are shocked when upon approaching Lee with a box of sticking plasters and a Lemsip he informs them that the goo is in fact mutating him and making him one with the creature or something.

This is almost completely forgotten and never mentioned again, especially by Lee who runs away and throws himself off a cliff.

Hel-met.

With most of the running time over and the film lurching toward it's climax Bob and Jane decide to break back into E-Chem to steal back the tape whilst Dr. Geoffrey and Kovacks attempt to come up with a plan to stop the creature.

Oh and find the tape too.

It never rains...

 

"I can see your house from here Peter!"

 

Will Bob and Jane succeed in finding the video-cassette? 

Will Jane end up stripped to her big white Granny pants again?

Will Kovacks stop shouting?

Will Geoffrey invent a special flame thrower to absorb the hydrogen in the air and use it to try and suffocate the creature?

Or will the movie end up like a bizarre Bob The Builder/Aliens mash up as Jane attempts to run the beast over in a big yellow digger?

 

From Italian film god and Unwell favourite Antonio Margheriti comes a genre defying (or is that defiling?) mad monster mash (up) that takes it's cues from literally every other film he's made plus a few Hollywood hits to boot....it's Predator meets Aliens via the directors own The Last Hunter and Mission Stardust with members of the Yor cast (and bits of the set) throw in for good measure and from it's Thunderbirds inspired model work to it's utter ambition over budget giant alien reveal it's a fucking glorious thing to behold. 

And the fact that it's so enjoyable seeing as it was made at the arse-end of the whole Italian exploitation era somehow makes it better - a (ever so slightly) tarnished jewel in the crown of quality film-making from a bygone era where men were men, women wandered around in big pants and science types twitched their way thru' every scene.

Oh and very occasionally there'd be a wee bit of blatant misogyny but you can't have everything I guess and at least here it's confined to Marina Guilia Cavalli in her pants.

So swings and roundabouts really.

Marina Guilia Cavalli - Hotter than your Mum...and mine too if I'm honest.

Acting wise everyone gives exactly what you'd expect but kudos to Don 'The Dragon' Wilson in a (very) early role as a scientist sporting THE greatest onion hair ever committed to celluloid  who also manages to hold his own against the always fantastic Charles Napier who, if not chewing the scenery, at least entices it into the back of his car to give it a sexy nibble.

Recommendation factor: high!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*Taking about the children's hero that adults adore (which I do quite often, sorry) I was recently reminded of the fact that back in the late 80s Amicus stalwart Milton Subotsky attempted to make a third Doctor Who film entitled 'Doctor Who's Greatest Adventure' which was actually a repurposed script of a horror film entitled 'King Crab' - itself an attempted big screen adaptation of Guy N. Smith's 'Night of the Crabs'.....I like to think that this film was actually made in some bizarro alternate universe.

Because I'm really sad obviously.