Monday, October 29, 2018

spun doctored.

Seeing as the new series of Doctor Who has been successful enough to launch a high-end clothing/accessory line I thought I'd take a trip back to what we fans (and our Action Men) had to wear in the 80s....if our Grannie's could sew that is.


Thursday, October 25, 2018


Don't forget I'm at Glasgow Horror Fest this weekend punting my wares like a Parisian whore so why not come along and buy something, you can even talk to me about the horror if you like.


Wednesday, October 24, 2018


Following on from Romero Japanese style enjoy these classic film posters from the land of the rising (aye) sun...

Tuesday, October 23, 2018


For anyone interested I'm at Glasgow Horror Fest this weekend punting my wares like a Parisian whore so come along and buy something....I need new shoes.

dead in japan.

Counting down to Weekend of The Dead with a handful of the undead, Japanese style.

Sunday, October 21, 2018

forced entry.

Someone asked me yesterday if I knew what Rey's Midichlorian count was compared to other Force sensitive characters in Star Wars.

I had to admit that off the top of my head I didn't.

The Force, which is now female allegedly.

As you can imagine this left me feeling a wee bit foolish and slightly embarrassed so I've been up all night figuring it out.


Rey - 27, 000 (or there abouts).

And the rest?

Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader = 27,700
Darth Sidious/Palpatine = 20,500
Yoda = 17,700
Luke Skywalker = 14,500
Leia Organa Solo = 14,500
Aenon Jurtis (Most powerful Jedi Master prior to Yoda) = 14,200
Shintor Beerus (Ancient Jedi Master) = 13,900
Ce Ce Denowai (The Most Powerful Female Jedi) = 13,700
Count Dooku/Darth Tyranus = 13,500
Obi-Wan Kenobi = 13,400
Kaja Sinis (The First Jedi) = 13,250
Mace Windu = 12,000
Darth Maul = 12,000
General Grievous = 11,900
Kit Fisto = 11,800
Exar Kun (Dark Lord of the Sith during the Sith War) = 11,700
Yaddle = 11,300
Xanatos' (Qui-Gon Jinn's former apprentice) = 11,300
Darth Seer (Founder of the modern Sith Order) = 11,200
Plo Koon = 11,100
Ki Adi Mundu = 10,600
Shaak Ti = 10,300
Qui-Gon Jinn = 10,000
Assajj Ventress = 9,600
Naga Sadow = 9,400
Jedi Master Adeus Hust = 9,300
You = 5
Your mom = -64

Wednesday, October 17, 2018

cabbie's mixtapes.

Prepare yourself for John Carpenter's live tour with these 3 volumes of classic John Carpenter inspired cuts, Jack Burton beats and taxicab tunes found here, here and here.

Tuesday, October 16, 2018

here's one i made earlier.

To celebrate the 60th birthday of Blue Peter, here's the Unwell guide to our top ten favourite presenters....EVER!

No 'laugh now' or 'mooth shite-in' here tho' because frankly Blue Peter is brilliant.

So there.

10. Peter (have you ever met Steven's tailor?) Purves.

9. Peter Duncan (donuts).

8. John (I never done it) Leslie.

7. Janet (Sophie) Ellis (Bexter's mum).

6. Simon Groom(ing kids on t'internet - not really).

5. Yvette Fielding (supersonic).

4. Val (up the casino) Singleton.

3. John (Beast Master) Noakes.

2. Konnie (meow meow meow) Huq.

1. Sarah Greene (gables).

Monday, October 1, 2018

barbie grill.

Been really busy with various drawy work-based stuff of late (alongside dealing with bureaucratic incompetence and general Neuro-Typical fuckwittery)  so the blog has been suffering a wee bit.

Rewatched this last night around 4 in the morning seeing as our youngest decided it'd be fun to see what happens when you don't sleep.

Well after tying him to a chair and making him sit thru' this he wont be trying that again.


Oh please excuse the brevity of the write-up tho' cos I'm knackered and need my bed.

Killer Barbys (AKA Vampire Killer Barbys, 1996).
Dir: Jesus Franco.
Cast: Silvia Superstar, Enrique Sarasola, Aldo Sanbrell, Bela B. Felsenheimer, Billy King, Mariangela Giordano, Carlos Subterfuge, Pepa López, Alberto Martínez and Charlie S. Chaplin.

Somewhere around the cheap(er) touristy bit of an off season Alicante, a mysterious - and very scared, you can tell by the poppy eyes. well it's either that or shitloads of drugs -  young man is involved in what looks like a sinister (and oh so slighty homo-erotic) game of hide and seek with the sexily stylish Mr. Allen Arkan (Sanbrell) and his stoopy squire, Baltasar (Segura).

Sounds legit.

Before we can get too involved tho' the game comes to an abrupt end when Arkan catches up with the young fella and swiftly cuts his throat before heading home to his dilapidated castle to chat excitedly with a woman's corpse.

As you do.

Meanwhile across town at the local Haven holiday park, top post 'punk' pop puppets the Killer Barbys are wowing the (bingo) crowd with a rousing rendition of their hit waxing 'Killer Love' before getting ripped off by the evil gig promoter and, as scary punks are known to do, going all tutty and huffy as they sulk off to their tour bus.

They're no Guitar Wolf are they?

Realizing that their next concert is at the fantastic Butlins in Skegness the band put the peddle to the metal and (whilst singing along to their own songs) begin the 500 mile drive (in what seems to be real time), taking in every badly lit road sign and tree along the way.

"Good evening Bognor!"

Luckily for us, the arse numbing monotony is broken when the bus careers off the road whilst attempting to dodge a (parked) steam roller causing the band to end up stuck in a muddy ditch that just happens to be right next to Arkan's castle.

How's that for plot contrivance?

Appearing suddenly from behind a tree (he's a thin bloke) he informs our merry band that it wont be possible to get the AA (or anyone with a tow truck, not even Mater from the Pixar classic Cars) out till the next morning, but kindly offers the Killer Barbys a bed for the night.

And it's up to them if they wish to share it with his best buddy the Countess von Fledermaus (Giordano, Peter Bark's mum from the classic Burial Ground).

Pig in a market.

Lead singer - and star of the show, albeit only because she's the single cast member that can actually string a sentence together - Flavia Flav (Superstar AKA Silvia Pintos), bassist (and ex plumber) Mario (Chaplin, great-grandson of Charlie, no really) plus her boyfriend (and top rock guitarist) Rafa (Subterfuge - not his real name) take a minute to think Arkan's offer over before deciding that being stuck in a spooky old castle with a fey German and his practically mummified, pneumatically breasted friend is preferable to sitting cramped in the corner of a leaky van whilst the bands two other members, Billy and Sharon continue their world record breaking shagathon on a pile of sleeping bags in the back.

And with that sorted we can hopefully get on with the plot good and proper.

On arrival at the castle Flavia is shocked to discover that the Countess is really the former silent movie star Olga Luchan, who gave up her promising career to wed the last of the von Fledermaus clan way back in the 1920's.

You see it appears that her hubbie was well versed in the black arts who gave his wife the secret of eternal life as a wedding gift - yup it appears that drinking the blood of the young enables you to cheat death!

As with all these things tho' there's a wee drawback in that if you don't keep up your blood intake you'll begin to to decompose.

Fair enough.

Luckily the Countess has managed to keep the grim reaper at bay all these years by employing Arkan, his sidekick Baltasar (remember him?) and their scary midget pals (the short López and very short Martínez) to entice young folk into the castle by planting heavy farm machinery on the road and it looks like the Killer Barbys are next on the list.

No real loss to popular music as we know it then.

"I'm sorry I have my woman's period!"

Of course the utterly disposable Billy and Sharon are the first to die in order to feed the Countesses blood lust and yes, they're still shagging when it happens, giving Olga the excuse to not only smear her breasts with jam but also to attempt come over all saucy (well if you think your Grannie in sexy black undies is a turn on) as she tries to seduce Rafa.

Being a red bloodied male - or a huge fan of mothers milk, who knows? - Rafa is sorely tempted by the offer of some uber-MiLF madness.

A wee bit upset (it's hard to tell thru' the Botoxed face I mean it could just be constipation) by her beau's flirting Flavia decides that the best way to win him back is to have an almighty strop and to this end skulks off to her bedroom to bitch with the by now bored Mario before collapsing into a drunken stupor.

Scarily tho' that very night she has a spooky dream about Rafa dying whilst having 'the sex' with an old lady.

To be honest I can think of worse ways to go.

Waking with a start, Flavia has a strange feeling that things are amiss in castle von Fledermaus and reckons the Killer Barbys are the band to solve the mystery.

Well The Aquabats are a bit busy crowdfunding their new series.

And the Glam Metal Detectives are away touring*.

It's slim pickings really.

So armed only with her ample charms, a plumber and the keys to the steamroller our heroine decides it's time to rock.....

If there’s one thing you could always rely on in life it was Jess Franco’s amazing ability to cobble together such a shambolic mix of half arsed ideas and (alleged) sexy imagery (no doubt over a single weekend) and still have the majority of uneducated punters mistake it for utter cock womble whereas those of us who know better can see it for what it really is.

Art at it's most subversive and entertaining.


Put it in me!

As with every single one of his movies, Killer Barbys has a sloppy and rushed air about it that permeates thru' every socket hole and frame, from the choppy lazy editing to the off-synch dubbing and endless arse numbingly bad shots of corridors and fog that appear to have been dropped into the film at random intervals for no other reason than to beef up the running time, things that in the hands of anyone else would signal a crapfest but under the gaze of Franco elevates the whole thing past high camp and into the realms of cinematic genius.


And if that doesn't tempt you to view then there's also the frankly fantastic (if not a wee bit scary) sight of the by then  65 year old Mariangela Giordano kidding on she's actually only  26 whilst seducing someone young enough to be her grandson plus the transexual (possibly) charm of the amazing Silvia Superstar.

She may walk like a man and talk like a man but what the Hell, she's ginger and has ringlets.

Admit it you so would.

But only if Giordano was busy of course.

Fuck me it's Fred Titmuss!

If you're a regular reader of this blog you probably know all this already and absolutely love Jess Franco (mostly for those very same reasons) no matter what shite he pumped out during his illustrious career.

And God love him for it.

*I fucking wish.