Wednesday, October 31, 2018

bad dad gas.

It's the last day of 31 Days of Horror and I'm feeling very refreshed.

Not only because the final movie is a corker but because someone said something nice about the blog on Twitter t'other week:

This must be what being popular feels like.

Anyway on with the movie.

Well on with the review, I mean I watched the movie last night.

Tho' I could probably put it on again.

Yes it's that good.

Demon Wind (1990).
Dir: Charles Philip Moore.
Cast:: Eric Larsonn, Francine Lapensee, Bobby Johnston, Lynn Clark, Mark David Fritsche, Sherry Bendorf, Jack Vogel, Stephen Quadros, Richard Gabai, Mia Ruiz, C.D.J. Koko, Rufus Norris and Sandra Margot.

“And now my pig, you die!”

Welcome to 1930s backwoods, USA, where burned and crucified bodies and market stall prints of Jesus (or is it Ewan McGregor?) litter the grounds - and walls - of the tiny farmhouse home of the God-fearing (and ferret toothed) Regina Carter who, alongside her long-suffering husband George is busy lighting candles in an attempt to stop evil demons entering her house.

Tho' probably not her lady garden as from the look of her that's already been the site of a good few hauntings.

As the camera pans across old family photographs and more cheap religious tat the sounds of spooky voices fill the air as Regina stands steadfast against the front door as if trying to stop some unknown - and unseen - force from entering.

George on the other hand is just standing in the background like a huge cardboard cock.

Albeit one that's dribbling vegetable soup whilst growling.

Turning to face her by now soup covered and Chip-Stick fanged hubbie Regina quickly grabs a poundshop snowglobe and threatens to break it, announcing that if she does it will be the end of them both.

As you do.

Unconcerned by the threat of ornament breakage George lunges at his wife and she drops the globe which shatters into a pool of blood and causes the house to explode.

Which was a wee bit unexpected I'll admit.

That ain't no's Jesus!

With a quick cut and a title card that says 'PRESENT' (which I am) we're in the modern day times where the tiny-eyed teen - yeah right - Cory (Larson whom you may remember from his top turn as the Internal Affairs Guy from the episode of Angel 'Reprise') and his girlfriend Elaine (Producer/Director/Actor Lapensee) are uncomfortably driving along a very empty dirt track on their way to visit his grandparents' farm.

It seems that poor Cory had a strange childhood, estranged from his father his only link to the past is the aforementioned farmhouse and the tales of the strange goings on that happened there.

As if some strange foreboding of things to come an inbred, snub-nosed ginger child stands silently on a hill pointing a stick at them.

I bet his girlfriend is so looking forward to this weekend trip, I mean I'm depressed just writing about it.


With the conversation as stilted as the pairs acting ability there's blessed relief when they stop at 'crazy' Barry Harcourt's (Olivier winning theatre director Norris - no really) gas station and cafe for directions, a quick snack and an excuse for Elaine to flash her love heart pants at Cory, much to the chagrin of the owner who berates them before giving an airing to the age old "Keep away from the farm or you'll be doomed!" speech so well loved in 80s horror epics.

Cory, ignoring the warnings, tells Elaine that he's adamant that he's been here before in a strange dream where he's naked apart from a thermos flask to cover his dignity and just to prove it's so the director lovingly shows us this very dream.

Which if nothing else goes to show how pert Cory's arse is.

Honestly he could crack walnuts between those buttocks.

Unfortunately we don't get to see them in action as the dream suddenly ends with the appearance of Cory's blood soaked (as opposed to gin soaked) grannie.

All this bizarro shite is soon is cut short tho' when more of Cory's entourage arrive at the gas station, there's the buff stud muffin and wannabe wife beater Dell (Erotic Confessions star Johnston), his yumsome, red-tighted girlfriend Terri (Santa Barbara's Clark) and the frighteningly horse faced Bonnie (Hollywood stunt royalty Bendorf) alongside the bespectacled Jack (Fritsche) as well as the council estate Michael Biehn Stacy (Vogel) alongside amateur magician cum fulltime spunkbucket Chuck (ex drummer with rock gods Snow and almost KISS percussionist Quadros) who - in one of the greatest moments in cinema - arrives on the scene decked in a cape and bowtie whilst performing magic tricks from the front seat of a convertible as The Ride of the Valkyries blares over the car stereo before getting down to threatening Dell with his sexy Kung Fu moves.

No really.

Kick, punch it's all in the mind.

As the group grab a drink Cory decides to get everyone (including us) up to speed with regards to his dear old dad who, it turns out was born a mere four days before the farm house exploded  and how, shortly after Cory was born, he returned there and was never heard from again until that is Cory caught up with him a few weeks back.

Oh yes and it turns out that within hours of catching up with his son that the poor old sod slashed his wrists and died.

Which is a bit excessive really, I mean mine just ignores me.

Surprisingly the entire group react not with fear or concern but mild disinterest and with that they all head to their cars eager to get to the farm house and the promise of a feast of egg sandwiches and cans of pop.

When the gang finally arrive at the farm you can see that they're oh so slightly disappointed by what they find as it consists of a smashed wall, some bricks piled in a corner and a three walled barn.

Yup, it's gonna be a cold night.

As a plus point tho' there is the burnt remains of the skeleton crucified to a tree by the gate which probably counts as a selling feature.

Trying to make the best of a bad - alright utterly shite - situation the group start to unload their cars but in the excitement Bonnie manages to trip over her massive chin and lands face to, um, skull with a skeleton poking out of the grass and as Cory goes to help her up our hero accidentally touches it causing a threadbare explosion of felt pen-based rotoscoping of the kind not since you used to add laser effects to your super 8 movies with a pin.

But if that wasn't enough to caused you to fill your trousers with fright then the fact that this causes Cory to experience hallucinatory images of his dad/uncle/cousin (I don't care) getting attacked by a loud noise should make you at least check for leakage.

Dollar have let themselves go.

Dell searching around in the bushes for something to abuse comes across - not in that way tho' I'd not be surprised if he did seeing as his entire character is a literal #metoo meme -  a rusty old lantern and quickly surmises that a bad man started a fire and killed everyone tho' Cory isn't convinced and proceeds to walk around the desolated ruin for no reason other than to freak out the audience when he stands in the doorway facing his pals who it turns out can't see him.

Scarily all they see is a rustically furnished and non-trashed farmhouse.

Yet no-one and I do mean no-one thinks this is at all odd.

Cory walks all the way back to his friends and they all head inside.

Yup, into a farm house which they have just seen exists in two separate dimensions.

A farm house that exists in two separate dimensions and has glowing, laser firing skulls buried outside.

And a crucified corpse as a garden ornament.

And not one of them thinks this is in any way odd.

There's even scary Sumerian style text scrawled on the walls Ala Evil Dead.

Seriously I've never wished death on anyone as much as I have on Cory and his pals.

Yes they're that stupid.

But kinda lovable too.

Weird science!

Bonnie, having the biggest face and therefore being the most able to read the mystic runes from a distance begins to recite the words out loud causing the fireplace to burst into flames (well it is a fireplace I guess) and the entire contents of the house to start flying around as crockery and the like usually don't.

As the stench of an entire group of teens shitting themselves fills the air everyone legs it out of the Farmhouse before Chuck and Stacy head back in after retrieving guns from their car.

No doubt Chuck turned a couple of rabbits into the firearms as magicians usually do in times of stress.

This guy puts Paul Daniels to shame.

Voting to turn around and go home (a wise idea if not a very cinematic one) Cory desperately tries to persuade them to stay saying that it was just the (demon) wind when suddenly, as if right on cue, the crucified skeletons falls to the ground.

With this the entire group hurry back to their cars but - surprise surprise - none of them will start.

Bonnie, hungry for sugar lumps, begins to panic and grabs her (saddle) bags before quickly walking in the direction of the gas station.

As her friends begin to follow a mysterious howling wind picks up and a spooky fog appears from nowhere.

I say nowhere but I'm assuming it's from a smoke machine placed just out of shot.

As the fog disappears the group realise that they've been transported right back to outside the house.

But this time they're not alone as three creepy wee girls cosplaying Laura Ingalls have appeared from nowhere to hurl abuse at our freaked out friends.

Dell, being a caring guy almost immediately tries to punch one of them but is cast aside like a rag doll which causes poor Bonnie to get even more upset and attempt to gallop away.

One of the girls makes a grab for Bonnie and in a flash of felt pen animation turns her into a doll.

Not a doll that looks anything like her obviously just a common or garden cheap toy shop doll that has a vague approximation of her outfit on.

As in it's the same colour.

Sort of.

No idea why they didn't just use a Barbie horse tho' as that'd been a perfect match.

"Me? stay in a haunted house? Neigh chance!"

The director has one more cruel twist of fate for Bonnie tho' as after it utters a few scary words it bursts into flames.

The friends just look at each other and shrug before heading back into the house to bed down for the night because, as Cory so eloquently puts it, it'll probably be safer than sleeping in their cars.

Yup if I have the choice between sleeping in a locked car or in a haunted house that phases between two different dimensions I know which I'd choose.

Occupying themselves by cleaning the place up before teatime the group of friends are understandably upset when just as Stacy places the last doily on the sofa arm another demon wind blows thru' the house and messes it up again.

Cory however doesn't seem to notice as he's way too busy following a ghostly vision of his grandmother down into the basement where she leads him to her handy spellbook and a couple of demon killing daggers.

Which is nice seeing as all my gran ever gave me was a feeling of shame and the fact that I was considered an abomination and a mistake by everyone.

Including the local vicar and most of the nearby women's institute.

Anyway, enough of my dark secrets as there are plenty on screen to go around as Cory is keen to share as he reads from his Nan's book.

It seems that years back his family chased a preacher named Barry 'Beast' Enders out of the area after he began worshiping Satan and converting a load of local farmers.

And with this stunning revelation the group settle for bed leaving the gun-toting
magicians Chuck and Stacy on guard.

Well they do have magical powers.

And guns obviously.

As the night (and the movie) drags on the pair notice a voice calling to them from the fog and as they peer ever closer to the window a ghostly blonde bird (former 'adult' movie star and current reality TV starring bail-bonds woman Margot) appears, wearing what looks like your Mum's best underwear and calling their names as she pens her -smashing - blouse revealing her breasts.

Which is a blessed relief as it takes your attention away from her harsh face.

As she fades back into the fog I'm surprised to say that the pair actually realise it's a trick but decide to go out anyway and shoot some stuff.

"Boiled onions!"

As they search thru' the fog for the floaty old lady a shambling group of zombie demons appear on the horizon and our trick-performing twosome start blasting away in between Chuck karate kicking the undead horde in the face.

The tide of battle soon turns against the two friends tho' and Chuck can only look on in mild apathy as Stacy is cut down by the demons leaving Chuck no choice but to run back to the house and - rather than just quickly go inside and shut the door - hang around till the topless woman kills him.

As his dying screams - and not I repeat not the sound of multiple gunshots - finally wake everyone up
he surviving group rush to the windows to take a peek outside and see their friends dead bodies, giving Terri the chance to deliver the greatest onscreen NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! since James Earl Jones in Revenge of The Sith.

As the sun rises our merry band are excited to hear a car in the distance, it seems that Cory's pals, the dangly earinged Willy (Assault of the Party Nerds 2: The Heavy Petting Detective star cum latter day producer and director Gaba)
and his girlfriend Reena (Ruiz whom you may remember as Mr. Reindeer's Resident Valet #1 in Wild At Heart and as the saucy Michelle in Witchcraft II: The Temptress - no? Suit yourselves) have turned up to join in the fun.

As the group run towards the car Cory frantically yells for them to keep the engine running in the hope that they can all pile in and escape but Willy unable to hear them over not just the noise of the engine but also over his awesomeness turns it off and shouts "What?" really loudly.

The Take That reunion tour got off to a shaky start...

Realising that they're all basically fucked the pals head back to the farm and begin boarding up the windows - which if you remember don't exist from the outside - and fashioning weapons to defend themselves using leftover pots and pans.

Well it keeps them busy.

Dell and Terri on the other hand have decided to make a run for it and grabbing a blanket for the journey head out into the unknown where they soon die.

No loss there then.

As the friends beaver away at the windows Jack notices that the barn has mysteriously rebuilt itself and in a bizarre leap of logic decides that the evil must be hiding in there so they all head over to investigate.

Disappointingly as barns go this one seems pretty ordinary - except for the runes daubed in blood on the walls and the crucified human skeleton with a bulls skull for a head obviously - so the friends continue to poke around.

All except Reena that is who slowly approaches the skeleton, transfixed by its strange beauty.

Well that's what she says.

Personally I reckon she just wants to know if he's in proportion.

As she gets nearer a massive tongue lashes out of the skull and wraps itself around her neck, dragging her ever nearer before biting her head off.

Which is nice.

"Is it in yet?"

Cory and co. turn to leave but find their exit blocked by their magician mates who are now possessed by demons, Jack, coming over all Rowdy Roddy Piper (not literally mind) threatens to shoot the pair but is politely informed that guns wont work in the house of the Devil.

Or even his barn possibly.

After punching Willy in the face the pair attempt to attack Elaine, which is when Cory remembers that he has a couple of demon destroying daggers. He waves them at his former friends till they run away giving everyone a chance to return to the farmhouse.

Except Willie that is, they left him lying unconscious in the barn.

Friends eh?

As they turn back and get him, Reena appears carrying his severed head like a novelty handbag and Cory realising that the films running time is rapidly coming to an end decides to get all proactive, stabbing her with a dagger and causing her - and it - to explode in a shower of cartoon light.

Everyone - well everyone who's left - piles into the farmhouse as the demon hordes stumble out of the barn toward them.

But as the undead army gets closer a strange ray of light emanates from the farmhouse causing them to burst into flames.

Yup it appears dear old grannie installed a demon repellent ray in the roof.

Pity she never felt need to mention it earlier.

Or at all.

As the mysterious magical forcefield begins to fade the demons roughly enter the house and as an undead Terri bites Jack and Bonnie gallops over a hill to beg for death all seems lost but as the Devil himself prepares to make an entrance it appears that there's more to Cory than first appears.

Could he really be some superhero-style Satan smasher in disguise?

Most famous for being one of the first movies released on VHS to have a lenticular cover - glad to see they spent the money in the right place - Demon Wind is what would happen if you showed The Evil Dead to a sugared-up 12 year old with ADHD then got him to rewrite the script from memory.

Yes it's that good.

Writer/director Charles Philip Moore (he who gave us the classic 1994 'erotic' thriller Angel of Destruction as well as the Don ‘The Dragon’ Wilson hit Blackbelt) throws caution - and budgetary constraints - to the (demon) wind to bring us a tale that's as mesmerizing as it is ludicrous - mad, at times painfully bad and - if not dangerous - then at least slightly dippy to know.

From it's bizarro nude dream sequences to it's Rentaghost style (not so) special effects and vegetable soup spewing demons via fright masked fight scenes and random scary children pointing sticks at nothing in particular, Demon Wind at once encapsulates both the very best and the arse clenching worst of late 80s American horror cinema.

Oh and did I mention it features magic tricks?

Soup in mah mooth.

Those less forgiving may accuse the whole sorry affair of being a wee bit shite, well if that's at all true then at least it's bloody enjoyable shite, cramming more into its running time than most other movies of its ilk combined and if that means there's less time to worry about little things like logic and basic storytelling tropes then who am I to argue?

Really, there's not much you can say about Demon Wind other than you need to experience it for yourself.

Sheer lo-fi horror genius.

Tuesday, October 30, 2018

double billed.

Been busy doing some actual work of late but didn't want you to feel left out so decided to do a quality double bill last night as a way to placate my ever dwindling readership during this fangtastic 31 days of horror.

Didn't finish till about 4:30 AM tho' which'll explain why the review is so short.

No doubt you'll be grateful for small mercies.

Me? I'm just grateful I can still buy shite like this in the pound shop.

As ever normal 'mooth-shite in' will be resumed as soon as I finish up everything....

Or get arrested obviously.

But enough chat, let's begin with the bone-tastic.....

Army of The Dead (2008).
Dir: Joseph Conti.
Cast: Ross Kelly, Stephanie Marchese, Miguel Martinez, Mike Hatfield, Audrey Anderson, Vic Browder, Jocelyn Tucker and some skeletons.

The year is 1590 and a (very) small group of conquistadors lost on their way back from bingo have found themselves wandering aimlessly thru' a never ending series of plaster caves in the vague hope of finding a taxi rank.

Unfortunately they only have a couple of quid left so it's quite fortuitous when the conquistador leader Chaz finds a pile of gold coins in the corner.

Unfortunately it turns out that these are scary cursed gold coins that cause the stars in the sky turn black and the moon to turn blood red.

Which is nice.

If that wasn't enough to cause a spike in viewer incontinence then the appearance of a group of GCI-ed skeletons wielding children's toy swords and screaming for blood may be responsible for a few loose stools at a later date.


Meanwhile in the present day, the movies square jawed hero ex_England player and rapper, John Barnes (The Stink of Flesh's Kelly, a kind of low rent Chris Pine but with the hint of a man haunted by past school day indiscretions) and his foxy wife Amy (kissy lipped and tustle haired Marchesi) are celebrating John's birthday with a weekend of off-road fun in some pimped up VW’s.

Also along for the ride is his instantly forgettable pal (we'll call him Jeff), his drunken ex-girlfriend Jenny (Anderson but not the one from The X Files), another couple I'd actually forgotten about till I watched the credits and his old university professor Gordon Vasquez (Martinez from Klown Kamp Massacre and your Mum's bed).

Undead skeletons on the rampage? Well don't expect this guy, the movie's too cheap even for him.

But wouldn't you know it, the professor has an altogether more sinister agenda, one that  involves the cursed gold, a couple of incompetent mercenaries and a variety of ill-fitting combat trousers.

Suffice to say that as soon as he finds the coins the skeletons once again rise and start committing acts of bloodied and bony mayhem.

Who saw that coming?

"OK everyone.....LOOK AT THE DOG!"

But it's not only the professor, his beard and his gung-ho hired hands that are in the skeletons sights seeing as John and his pals seem to think that a wee bit of Aztec gold might come in handy down the line...

Insert cock here.

With a budget less than the amount it takes to get your sister drunk and with costumes supplied wholesale from your friendly neighbourhood Poundland, how could you possibly slag off Joseph Conti's CGI shite fest?

Well for a start the acting ranges from serviceable to sodden, there's way too much time taken up with footage of steroid-strapped VW's cruising around the desert, it features one of the most abysmal beards ever to grace the screen and there's a distinct lack of nudity.

But we're here for the skeletons right?

And surprisingly they're not too shady, fairly scary and almost indestructible.

Their only weakness?

A giant Tesla coil.

Ahem, quite.

Well what did you expect for a quid?

Jason and The Argonauts?


Dr. Moreau's House of Pain (2004).
Dir: Charles (mighty, fallen) Band.
Cast: John Patrick Jordan, Jessica Lancaster, Peter Donald Badalamenti II, Lorielle New, Ling Aum, B.J. Smith, Debra Mayer, Laura Ushijima and Jacob Witkin.

“My surgical skills might have been a bit sharper
if you hadn’t have cracked my skull open.”

Square faced second rate pugilist Eric (Jordan, better known as Tommy in Porky's: The College Years) is sitting in an old convertible outside a sleazy nightclub, desperately trying to find his brother Roy, who's disappeared at some point prior to the opening titles.

The film isn't that specific as to say where or when, I have a feeling it might not be that important.

Along for the ride are ace girl reporter Mary Ann (the late, great Mayer from Decadent Evil Dead) and Eric's girlfriend Judith (Lancaster, who's bound to have been in some other stuff but to be honest I can't be arsed checking).

Anyway, it seems that Roy spent most of his nights here watching one stripper in particular and Eric is determined to find out why.

Or at the very least get to crack one off in a private booth. 

Entering the club and taking a stage-side seat, Eric uses his not inconsiderable charm in an attempt to pump the barkeep for information concerning his missing bro'. All he gets tho' is "Your bruvva pure fancies the next stripper by the way....oh and it's four quid for the Babycham".

So, who is this mysterious beauty that every man seems to fall madly in love with at first sight?

Enter the illustrious Alliana (the seductively cat-like New) a spooky blonde nymph whose hypnotic moves soon turn Roy's legs to jelly.

Aye hen!


After sitting thru' the entire rosta of acts (including a magician and chicken shaver) Eric sneakily follows Alliana out to her car only to be accosted by an evil gangster type, Jeff Badman who also has a big girly crush on our stripping pal.

Which isn't too surprising seeing as she appears to be the cleanest member of the cast.

Feeling particularly manly and after delivering a swift kick to Eric's nuts Jeff attempts to force himself on Alliana only to have her snarl like a wolf and put her fist thru' his head.

Eric, shocked and maybe a wee bit aroused by this grabs the women folk and runs back to his car, following Alliana back to an old, crumbling asylum on the outskirts of town.

Unfortunately for the film makers the town is in Romania where this was shot not Hollywood as we're meant to believe.

Mary Ann kindly fills them (and us) in with the history of the place, from the mad mentalists that stayed there to the rumours of satanic parties held in the cellar.

Which is nice.

Having served her purpose as Ms. exposition, Mary Ann is promptly grabbed by a big hairy, cat faced man-beast before being dragged kicking and screaming into the darkness.

Rum, sodomy and the lash.

Meanwhile back at the plot Alliana has taken delivery of the gangsters body to one Dr. Moreau (the homeless yet still leathery of balls Sean Connery lookalike and recovering alcoholic Witkin from Showgirls), who ably assisted by his two favourite 'manimals' the aforementioned kitty masked Peewee (Smith) and a whiny voiced dwarf in a pig costume named Gallagher (Badalamenti II: Electric Boogaloo - but no Simon McCorkindale alas) are on the lookout for spare body parts to help accelerate the transition of his genetically altered manimals to full human status.

As one does.

Unfortunately for all involved, Jeff Badman had a shocking dose of the clap when he died rendering his organs useless so it's a good thing that Alliana's been followed by the hunky Eric and co. isn't it?

I mean, there's no way they'd have any STD's and the like.

Well, except Jessica Lancaster obviously, I felt unclean just looking at her if I'm honest.

Up the casino for coppers you say?


In between all this furry back biting and faintly embarrassing animal acting it transpires that poor old Moreau’s not actually in charge of this so called house of pain and it's the manimals (all three of them) that are pulling the strings, each with their own convoluted agenda.

Firstly Alliana, who it turns out is actually a humanised leopard, wants a young studly mate, Peewee (half mountain lion, half carpet) wants to break stuff and cheeky little Gallagher is constantly horny and just wants somewhere to put his teeny tiny cock.

So who's got there eye on Eric and who's got there eye on Judith do you think?

In mah mooth.


If that wasn't enough to keep you interested there's also a shady Chinaman named Pak Mon (Aum) drunkenly stumbling around the asylum whilst carrying a big stick in one hand and a huge oven chip on his shoulder.

You see, he was once Moreau’s assistant back in the 'Island of' days when Moreau (for a laugh obviously) experimented on Pak's young daughter Gorgona (Ushijima, bless you), leaving her stuck with half a fish-face and a mouldy oven glove for a hand.

Back in the basement (and seemingly unconcerned by Mary Ann's disappearance) Eric and Judith continue to wander around aimlessly until they're captured by a still horny Gallagher and an incredibly frustrated Peewee; it seems he accidentally crushed Mary Ann's ribcage whilst trying to unbutton her blouse, meaning the poor lovelorn sod has taken to sulkily carrying her bloodied corpse around on his shoulder whimpering like a small girl.

Realising that there haven't been any gratuitous tit shots for about twenty minutes, Alliana takes Eric back to her boudoir for a bout of sweaty naked cat sex, which comes across about as erotically as watching your Gran shagging one of your school chums.

All I could think of was how much Alliana looked as if she could do with a hug.

Oh, and how I'd never tire of kicking Eric in the face.

I'm sorry, it's been one of those days.

From beyond the gravy.


Whilst Eric heads back to his cage and Alliana lies purring whilst wriggling around in the damp patch Pak and Moreau are enjoying their weekly debate about the ethics of biosynthesis (or some other bollocks leaving that wee tinker Gallagher attempting to woo Judith with a bowl of soup and an offer of an escape route.

All she has to do is stand in the corner and do a little striptease whilst the pig-faced one enjoys a crafty Barclays and she's home free.

Judith, after much deliberation accepts his offer and slowly shows her big black pants.

Admit it, you've done much worse when you've not had your taxi fair, I know I have.

Her leopard super sense tingling added to the noticeable waft of damp yeast eminating from Judith's cage sends Alliana into a shag frenzy (what? again?) and, stopping only to dress up as a Christmas tree she chases after Eric for (sloppy) seconds leaving poor Judith, stripped to her suspender belt and with her newly paid for breasts hanging limply like rocks in a rucksack at the mercy of Gallagher.

It seems that our porcine pal has changed the deal and is already tearing at his trousers with his stinky trotters in anticipation of this little piggy squealing all the way home....

And if this indignity wasn't enough for poor Judith, it appears that Pak has persuaded Moreau (by hitting him repeatedly over the head with a wine bottle) to use her body to repair the damage done to his daughter.

But alas not get rid of the smell of fishpaste that follows her around.

Will Eric have enough energy left to rescue Judith?

Will we actually get to see the oft promised girl on pig action rather than it keep cutting back to two old men arguing?

I'm not telling, I mean I sat thru' the whole fucking travesty so you can too.

Ah Charles Band, boyhood hero to any self respecting cult film fan growing up in the eighties. Amongst the many classics he brought us were lo-budget gems like Trancers, Robot Jocks and Laserblast (my first CB movie, show way back in '78 as a double bill with The Muppet Movie) and his production company gave us From Beyond and Re-Animator to name just a few. 

Which makes it all the more tragic that he's been reduced to churning out hideously average shite like this.

An unofficial (you're kidding me) sequel to the HG Wells classic novel with a budget that can only stretch to three Halloween masks and one actual actor in the cast, House of Pain is hellishly performed by it's minuscule cast of never-beens and wannadies, horribly lit in bright primary colours (imagine a hyper-active child remaking Suspiria and you're a third of the way there) with actors so uniformly unattractive that you begin to start fancying the poor sod in the fish mask by the movies end, just because the quick glimpse you get of her right breast shows that it's the only non-augmented, natural thing in the film.

Fuck, even the brick lined cellar is plastic.

"Laugh now!"


But (and there's always a big but - just not on any of the emaciated cast) it turns into a wee bit of a car crash, you just can't turn away or turn off.

Or maybe that was just the amount of cheap sherry I'd necked previously.

I'm just glad it's over if I'm honest.

Monday, October 29, 2018

spun doctored.

Seeing as the new series of Doctor Who has been successful enough to launch a high-end clothing/accessory line I thought I'd take a trip back to what we fans (and our Action Men) had to wear in the 80s....if our Grannie's could sew that is.


ice to see you, to see!

Still feeling the cold after my weekend 'trading' at Horror Con so thought I'd stick with the snow-based scares.

You're welcome.

Snow Beast (2011)
Dir: Brian Brough (not Clough).
Cast: John Schneider, Jason London (who appears to feature on this blog more times than is healthy), Danielle Chuchran, Paul D. Hunt and Kari Hawker.

"Back to bed everyone!"

Sexy wildlife researcher cum single dad Jim Harwood (Dukes of Hazzard star and Superman's dad Schneider) is looking forward to his yearly trip to Canada (yes you can son) where he and his erstwhile colleges spend a month studying the rather splendid Canadian Lynx.

Unfortunately this year he has to drag his wayward teenage daughter, Emmy (fright haired Chuchran, best known for playing Thing 1 in The Cat In The Hat) along seeing as she's been suspended from school for dyeing a wee bit of her hair purple, fighting and tossing off the male teachers for pennies.

OK I lied about the last bit but she does look the type.

Anyway, arriving on site Jim is greeted not only by his fellow researchers Rob (Hunt from, um loads of other stuff directed by Brian Brough) and Marci (Hawker from all the same stuff as Hunt) but  the news that there are absolutely no Lynx's anywhere to be found in the whole area.

Which is fairly odd I'm guessing.

Being the geeky tech' guy, Rob reckons that they've all become camera shy whilst Marci just stands around wistfully sighing every time Jim wanders by.

Jim reckons the best thing to do is to wait till morning then go outside and maybe have a look for them.

Obviously no-one else has thought of this (you can see why Jim's in charge) so our merry band excitedly settle down to dinner whilst making a note of things they'll need the next day.

You know the type of stuff; shoes, a hat, trousers etc.

All except Emmy that is, who's too busy embarrassing Rob by flirting with him and wiggling her (admittedly peachy for a schoolie) arse at the camera.

It's gonna be a long four weeks.

Emmy: Arse of a strip queen, hair of a scarecrow and a mooth made for shite-in. perfect.

Meanwhile back on the tourist packed slopes a number of vacationers have been mysteriously vanishing in a daze of CGI blood and growling. Ginger lard arsed forestry bloke Gibbons (Thomas looking like Harry Knowles slightly less attractive - and far less kickable - brother) reckons they've all just run away without telling anyone but the rugged newbie Ranger Barry (B-Movie monster battling beefcake London) is convinced that someone or something - oh go on then someone in a badly dyed monkey suit - is making short work of a motley collection of snowboarders and overweight extras pretending to be ultra-fit skiers.

And he intends to crack the case with or without his partners help.

Which is lucky seeing as his sweet sodden sidekick is more interested in cases of cakes than anything else.

"Put it in me!"

Back at the research house and everyone is tucked up in bed, unfortunately our gang are being kept awake by a (fairly) monstrous growling noise coming from outside.

Wide awake and shivering with a mix of fright and mild apathy our merry band nervously approach the window to hopefully get a wee look at what could possibly be making such a noise outside.

Coming from Glasgow I automatically assumed that it was either a tramp or a drunken couple of copulating Neds.

"We're ootside ya windae rapin' yer bin!"

 As Jim (being the headline star) lowly moves his trembling hand toward the curtain the noises suddenly stop.

Without a moment’s hesitation and in the most nonchalant manner ever, he announces “Back to bed, everyone.”

And guess what?

Surprisingly everyone does as they're told.

Unfortunately the next morning a mixture of lack of sleep and Emmy's harsh face is causing tempers to fray, poor Rob is sweatingly concerned about his cameras and there's a wee bit of sexual tension in the air between Jim and Marci.

Just imagine Coronation Street with an added big monster.

And snow obviously.

Anyway it's in this very snow in fact that Rob, whilst fixing one of his aforementioned cameras manages to fall into a big hole containing huge piles of bloody bones and half a snowboarder much to Jim's amusement.

And if that wasn't enough Emmy (in between griping and frowning) has noticed a big white - well more a kinda yellowy piss stained - monkey jogging merrily along towards our studly duo.


"Are you looking at my bra?"

Escaping in the nick of time - and on a snowmobile - Jim and Rob are now pretty certain that the beast is the reason for the disappearance of all the Lynx in the area.

and it's probably why there are no actors of quality left in the local vicinity  either.

As our merry quintet decide what to do next - Jim, Elly and Rob want to go home, Marci wants to go out and make friends with the beast - Ranger Barry has decided to head out into the snow to see if he can uncover any evidence of foul play or big monsters.

but as all this inane chat and navel gazing continues the dreaded snow beast is still on the loose.

And hungry for fresh meat.

Unfortunately for certain members of the cast tho' he'll settle for cardboard.

Not to be confused with the 1977 made for teevee Yvette Mimieux starrer Snowbeast, this 2011 re-imaging is quite possibly the most terrifying Sasquatch based horror movie starring an ex-Duke of Hazzard that you will see.

With it's tiny cast, minimal settings and comfortably cliched script from Brittany (Scents and Sensibility, Christmas Angel) Wiscombe, Snow Beast throws convention to the wind by proudly displaying it's (frankly magnificent) monster suit at every given opportunity, whether it's stumbling menacingly around the trees like a drunk trying to find it's way home or camply springing out from behind bushes bearing it's tanned man tits whilst roaring, the creature is a sight to behold and probably the first time I've seen a director embrace the man in a monster suit in such a non-apologetic way since the John Guillermin remake of King Kong.

And the film is all the better for it, playing out like a classic monster B-movie of yesteryear, no nudity, no swearing and minimal blood-letting, just a very tall man in a fur coat and knock off Wampa mask.

What's not to love?

A piece of cinematic genius yesterday.

Honestly, every single second the Snow Beast is on the screen is another moment of happiness made possible by knowing that somewhere out in the big bad world there are still people intent on making little movies featuring faceless stuntmen dressed up as huge furry monsters.

And I for one salute them.

An essential viewing experience and most likely the best film called Snow Beast ever released.