Friday, January 28, 2022

the late late deadfast show.

Released in Italy 38 years ago this very day, Lucio Fulci’s fantastic....



Warriors of The Year 2072 (AKA Fighting Centurions, Rome, 2072 A.D., The New Gladiators. 1984).
Dir: Lucio Fulci.
Cast: Jared Martin, Fred Williamson, Howard Ross, Eleonora Brigliadori, Cosimo Cinieri, Claudio Cassinelli, Al Cliver, Haruiko Yamanouchi, Penny Brown, Valerie Jones and Donal O'Brien.

"It was math that saved us!"

It's the near future (2072 to be precise but I guess you knew that) and  - after a nuclear war probably - all of planet Earth's major cities have been rebuilt using Lego, egg boxes and toilet rolls, topped off with Christmas tree lights.

The only outlet for the citizens of this new square world order are violent teevee shows (well two of them) broadcast daily to keep the populace subdued and entertained.

Purves: Purveyor of teevee violence and fan of Steven's tailor.

The biggest of these is 'Death Bike', a cross between Junior Kick Start (albeit without Peter Purves) and a Friday night out in the centre of Dudley where a bunch of mad men on motorcycles kick seven shades of shite out of each other until only one is left standing.

Well, sitting actually.

On a bike.


Undefeated world champion of Death Bike is the enigmatically bubble-permed Drake (Martin, pigeon chested star of teevee's Dallas, War of the Worlds and Fantastic Journey) but more of him later.

The other show is called 'Pretend Scares' or something similar and features (from what I can gather from the little amount of it shown) a sweaty woman with hi-tech wires attached to her head watching clips of old Fulci movies and having to pretend that:

A. It's real.


B. She's not really scared.

It'll come as no surprise to find that ratings for this have been slipping more than Michael J Fox on an icy path, so the evil execs behind 'Pretend Scares' (after failing to get 'Bastards Hole' past the pilot stage) decide to resurrect the age old idea of the gladiatorial arena.

Huge cotton bud or tiny lady?

This ultra-violent battle of the damned (but not featuring Dave Vanian) will see twelve convicted killers (minus Brandon Flowers and Dave Keuning obviously) slug it out in a modern day Roman Coliseum until only one survives.

To make certain it'll be a sure fire ratings winner, the slimy teevee executive in charge, Bob Cortez (an unusually clean shaven Cassinelli) decides to firstly employ Chris Chibnall as show runner before hiring what looks like Spandau Ballet to murder Drake's hot young wife and then framing him for their subsequent murder.

Really it does make sense when you watch it.

Bigger than Trumps.

Taken in chains to the training area before being given a sexy bracelet (tho' no pearl necklace) that can administer pain, Drake is introduced to his fellow combatants including genre king Al Cliver as the hunky Kirk, The Last Hunter's Yamanouchi and Fred Williamson as the super suave Tommy Abdul.

There are a few other folk but frankly none of them are that memorable.

Under the auspice of evil trainer Frank Raven (Ross from such classics as The New York Ripper, Naked Werewolf Woman and Poppea: A Prostitute in Service of the Emperor) Drake endures, oh, minutes of torture and bench presses before he begins to break the corporations programming.

It seems that he's starting to realise that he didn't kill Tony Hadley and co. after all and that it may a massive conspiracy.

Luckily the janitor of the faculty, an ex-racer named Monk (Doctor Butcher himself, O'Brien), is an old friend of Drake's who had to leave show business after accidentally melting his face in a freak infomercial recording and who now along with his sexy computer boffin sidekick Sarah (the fantastically fringed ultra-MILF Brigliadori from Beyond Kilimanjaro, Across the River of Blood and, um, my dreams) have decided to investigate Drake's story, uncovering as they do a plot by Junior (the sentient computer that runs the station) to do some bad stuff to folk.

Oh yes and take over the world.

Luckily our heroes have a plan.

"OK muthafuckas! Who's
ready for a mooth shite-in?"

Whilst Sarah goes to visit Junior's creator, Monk makes our hero swallow a magic silver Lego brick that enables him to open doors and turn off force-fields by simply pulling his cum face and it's with this special gift our hero plans his escape.

Whilst all this sex face fun is going on, Sarah has gone to visit Professor Towman (Murder Rock's Cinieri, tastefully covered head to toe in gravy and with a red spot daubed on his forehead), the inventor of Junior to see if the computer could really be mental.

He reckons not but gives Sarah a special key to his control room and a box of plans to turn him off just in case.

Which is pretty bloody lucky seeing as the next instant he's shot and killed as is - the not as attractive as Sarah - Sybil (Brown, the costume designer on Fatal Frames) a bad lady that was sent to follow our heroine (to pick up fashion tips I reckon).

Would you believe it tho' because Monk was also following Sarah (and by default Sybil) and manages to sneak Sarah out of the building under his coat and back to the studio in time to see Drake and his merry band recaptured and made to do sweaty press-ups over an electric floor as punishment.

"And here come the Belgians!"

As the clock counts down and the contestants are preparing for battle, Sarah races to find the key to stopping Junior and save humanity from death by crafty computer....

His slash-tastic horror tendencies exhausted (for a short while at least) after the sleazy hate-fest that was The New York Ripper, Lucio Fulci decided to take time out from spooky scares and throat cutting (well, maybe not from throat cutting) to bring us this fantastically accurate prediction of the rise of reality teevee and corporate whoredom, never realising how prophetic the films concepts were to become.

His trademark visual style, surreal plotting and (sometimes over) use of extreme close-ups (usually of actors pulling what appear to be officially termed their 'sex faces') are all present and correct, adding a sense of the comfortable to the otherwise alienating futuristic feel of the film and Fulci's predilection for copious amounts of blood and violence firmly place the characters in the here and now for it seems that no matter how shiny and silver the future will become blood will always be deep red.

The cast with it's familiar Fulci regular faces and smooth, mini-skirted thighs (yes, that's you Eleonora Brigliadori) play their roles with a stoic, earnest conviction rarely seen outside the Hallmark Channels true life drama output whilst Fred Williamson, so obviously on autopilot whilst awaiting his delivery of malt beer and cigars, is still better than any number of similarly disinterested actors not named Fred Williamson tho' if I'm honest it's scary to see chisel jawed sex pest Al Cliver slowly morph into a puffy cheeked hamster during the duration of a movie.

Eleonora Brigliadori today,
just because I can.

Three years before Arnie became The Running Man, Jared Martin was The Biking Bully and Fulci was showing the world the future as would be.

Genius? Prophet? Mad man or just lucky?

Or a mix of all four?

YOU decide!

Wednesday, January 26, 2022

people you fancy but shouldn't (part 102).

 Current Foreign Secretary, Minister for Women and Equalities and real-life Mrs Brittas Elizabeth Mary Truss


Sunday, January 23, 2022

brownie points.

Was trying to decide what action movie to watch over the weekend which quickly turned into a wee bit of an excited Saturday night discussion here at Castle Unwell as to which film is actually the best action movie ever.
I reckon The Last Boy Scout whereas Mrs Lamont says Con Air.

After much frenetic chat and threats of violence my mind was finally change after She reminded me that Con Air has the wonderful Trisha Yearwood warbling How Do I Live? on the soundtrack whereas Boy Scout only has that old bloke from Dirty Dancing shouting about football.

It was all for nought tho' as young Master Cassidy strolled in with his mum's uncut VHS of the HK guns 'n' girls actioner Naked Killer shouting "Happy 30th birthday naked ladies!" which took me back to the heady pre-internet days of trying to purchase a copy for her.

I know, I'm such a romantic.

I mean, the amount of times I'd thought I'd ordered this classic from some dodgy ad in the back of a magazine when, in fact I'd just spent a small fortune on Naked Killer 2 went beyond a joke, especially when you know that Naked Killer 2 isn't even a 'proper' sequel, It's actually the fantastically exploitatively monikered Raped by an Angel (the first in a 'hit' series, natch) re-titled to cash in on NK stars Chingmy Yau and Simon Yam appearing on screen together again.

I miss the olden days.

Does exactly what it says on the box.

Anyway, for those of you unfamiliar with this classic romantic thriller (and if you haven't seen it then honestly, I'm shocked) the plot of the original NK goes something like this.

But first the obligatory cast list and the like:

Naked Killer (Chinese: 赤裸羔羊, 1992).
Dir: Clarence Fok Yiu-leung.
Cast:  Chingmy Yau, Simon Yam, Carrie Ng, Madoka Sugawara, Wai Yiu and
Ken Lo.

But not Ken Loach obviously.

Or Papa Roach.

Because that would be silly.

Raven of hair and slender of thigh Kitty (Yau) is a quite frankly scary lady with a neat hobby of punishing bad men that cheat on their girlfriends.

Tinam (Simon Yam) on the other hand is a nice guy cop who unfortunately shot and killed his brother (by accident of course) and is now impotent.

Plus he has a habit of vomiting uncontrollably whenever he holds a gun.

How's your luck?

A naked killer showering yesterday.

Their paths messily cross when Kitty is caught - very - red handed after repeatedly stabbing her friends boyfriend in the genitals after finding out he's been unfaithful.


Tinam attempts to arrest her but ends up just throwing up his lunch and shaking a bit.

Trying to figure a way out of her predicament - and therefore stay out of jail - Kitty does what any woman in her position would do and decides to head to the police station to seduce Tinam in the hope that the sight of her nice flat tummy, shiny mane and luscious thighs will stop him dobbing her in to his superiors.

She's a sly one.

Being a typical man our hero cop has no idea that she's leading him on a just sits drooling.

Which is a nice change from sitting vomiting I guess.

Meanwhile back in the family orientated sub plot, Kitty's father's marriage to his new (naughty) wife is being rocked by her countless affairs.

Oh yes and he's a wee bit upset that she appears to favour wearing tiny arse revealing belts instead of skirts.

Because misogyny.

It all comes to a head one evening tho' when he arrives home to find her writhing around, legs akimbo with a Yakuza boss named Bee Arthur (Ken Lo).

In the ensuing argument, Kitty's dad falls down the stairs, bumping his head and dying.



"I love you....could it be vomit?"

Understandably annoyed at this turn of events, she storms into Bee's office and proceeds to off not only him but all his burly bodyguards and the majority of his secretarial staff (including the poor tea boy and the girl that fills the photocopier) before taking a foxy older lady hostage during the course of her dramatic escape.

By a bizarre stroke of luck, it turns out that the woman is, in fact the notorious assassin Sister Cindy (Hong Kong's very own Barbara Windsor, Wai Yiu) who suddenly begins joining in the carnage even going as far as taking out a couple of their pursuers herself.

Escaping unscathed and seeing that Kitty has the potential to become a top lady assassin herself, Cindy offers to train her in the mystic art of kicking arse using a mental, half starved pedophile she just happens to have chained up in her cellar as a makeshift punch bag .

And I thought our walk-in cupboard was bad with the amount of comics and toys stored in there.

It's Glasgow's Miss Masonic Lodge 1984.

Via the magic of sweaty slo-mo montage sequences we see Kitty go from scary penis stabbing mentalist to highly trained penis stabbing assassin before finally bettering her teacher.

The time is right for her first mission alongside Sister Cindy.

A mission to 'take out' a naughty Yakuza bad man in an orgy of soft rock music, slinky thigh action and squirty blood.

None too happy with this, the surviving Yakuza put a price on Kitty's head (and stunning thighs and pneumatic chest too probably) and the evil lesbian murderess Princess (the tiny headed yet frighteningly sharp kneed Carrie Ng), a former protégé of Sister Cindy - alongside her market stall fashion victim Japanese lover Baby (moonfaced cutey Madoka Sugawara) - take the job.

Tinam meanwhile has decide to use this murder as an excuse to ask Kitty out on a date and hopefully change her murderous ways - bless - and soon discovers her disguised as a - foxy, obviously - air hostess named Vivian Shang.

This subplot is a wee bit complicated to explain here so e-mail me if you want details.

Bombarded with questions from our lovelorn hero, Kitty plays it cool and convinces him that he's mistaken her for someone else (obviously he was too busy staring at her arse to remember her face) but decides to carry on flirting with him anyway, giving Sister Cindy ample time to murder everyone else who can connect Kitty to the real Vivian Shang giving Kitty and Tinam time to finally have their much anticipated soft focus shag before tearfully realizing that a cop and a killer - even a naked one - will have a slightly difficult time holding down a stable relationship.

Say nothing, act casual.

Being a sweetie, Sister Cindy suggests that Kitty leave the assassin business and settle down with her beau and live happily ever after, which would be OK if Princess, who if you remember is out to kill Kitty, hadn't become madly obsessed her, which has led to scenes of sweaty rough sex with Baby featuring orgasmic machine gun fire, opera gloves and much fiddling about with each others panties in loving close-up.

Can I just add that this technique has never ever worked for me.

Vicious lips, milky eye.

With at least 30 minutes left till the movies climax the deadly duo decide to first kill Sister Cindy, hoping that will bring an enraged Kitty to them but the aunt-like assassin puts up a good fight before ultimately being killed by the luscious poisoned lips (coated in an evil lipstick that is fatal when mixed with booze - obvious eh?) of Princess.

"Lesbe friends...."
"homo we wont!"

Kitty is still nowhere to be found tho' (she's busy hiding under the duvet hoping everything will blow over like you would in this situation) which annoys Princess to a point where she starts screaming whilst randomly shooting stuff.

For what seems like a day.

Luckily for us, just when you think your ears can't take anymore of Princesses wailing - tho' I will admit the scenes where she violently spanks Baby's wobbly arse are pretty good - our heroine re-appears with an interesting proposition....

Kitty, it seems is willing to let bygones be bygones if Princess will become her business (and bedroom) partner.

Thinking the deal over for about three minutes (giving her a chance to oogle Kitty's unspanked backside) before hurriedly shouting "Yes please!" and leaping on her for a bit of black clad assassin on assassin action.

Princess, however is too caught up in the incredibly gratuitous lesbian lust frenzy to realize that Kitty is also wearing poisoned lippy!

Whilst locked in an erotic embrace, our (completely vomit free) lovelorn police-type hero Tinam has decided to 'rescue' his true love from the evil lesbian tryst, bursting in thru' a window and proceeding to mow down all of Princess's hench-people (in slo-mo of course) before turning his gun on Baby and legging it back to Sister Cindy's pad with Kitty.

Absolutely no need.

An understandably furious Princess follows the lethal lovers as the poison starts to take effect arriving to find a deliriously dishy Kitty shouting abuse at her from the living room.

Unfortunately Kitty too is dying and Tinam, devastated by the thought of losing his one true love throws back his head screaming loudly before firing his gun at the gas oven causing the house (and them) to explode in a blaze of colour and inappropriate end music.

That's not how you actually play chess.

Produced - in a kinda fevered dream way - by the prolific Wong (A Chinese Torture Chamber, God of Gamblers, Future Cops et al) Jing, Naked Killer is a bizarro car crash of a movie where wannabe cool feminism smashes headlong into saucy sexism via over the top bloodletting and 80s catalogue fashion (crimes) that flies so far over the top as far as good taste and convincing plot goes that it's possible to get vertigo just by looking at the DVD sleeve for too long.

Imagine Le Femme Nikita hastily rewritten by a Haribo-raddled teenage boy with an unhealthy obsession with his student maths teacher and you'd be halfway there.

Or be me as a 14 year old obviously.

Seriously tho', it's that good.

Which makes the fact that Raped by an Angel being released as Naked Killer 2 even more of a travesty.

Whereas NK features a stunning mix of romance, extreme violence, slinky ladies mixed with scenes of women snorting coke from sweaty muscled mens arses, fantastically choreographed lesbian sex scenes and enough gunplay to keep even Kyle Ritterhouse happy, Angel removes all these elements (except Chingmy Yau's wondrous thighs) and replaces them with, well nothing really.

Boris Johnson cruelly ambushed at a birthday party yesterday.

The plot (for want of a better word) is paper thin to say the least, centering as it does around sweaty, rat like bad boy perv Chuck Chi-shing (played to perfection by the ickle fin legged Mark Cheng) who has an unhealthy obsession with Aldi catalogue model Yau Yuk-nam (Yau).


As part of his plan to get - very - close to Ms. Yuk-nam, he moves in next door to her toothsome, jiggly of breast yet harsh of fringe pal Chu Kit-Man (Ng Suet-Man, who no doubt does whatever a Suet-Man can) playing the nice but dim neighbour before drugging and molesting her.


Whilst all this misogynist stuff is going on (in loving close up I may add) Yau Yuk-nam has started dating the lovable triad guy with a heart Tso Tat Wah (Yam, sexy as ever) but the romance is cut short by a mix of tragedy and legal action (as part of the storyline, not from bored viewers) leading to a blood, sweat, egg (and semen) stained, incredibly tasteless climactic showdown between a half naked Yau, a sexily shirted Yam and the dirty Cheng.

Cheng: He has five pounds.

Saying that tho' you kinda know what to expect from a movie with a title like Raped By an Angel, it's not like you're just going to idly pick it up of the shelves, pop it on one Sunday afternoon the be surprised if you find it offensive are you?

At least I hope not.

All I can say is if you're looking to waste a few hours with a mix of gratuitous nudity, sleazy sex, Chingmy Yau's just stepped out of the salon hair and a bit of argy bargy then forget this shite and buy Naked Killer instead.

Or you call always give your mum's pal a call.

You know the one.

No need or every need?

But if you find that you can't resist viewing a movie with such an offensive title then you could do worse than checking out the surprisingly entertaining sequel Raped By An Angel 2: The Uniform Fan.

This time round we enter the world of a perverted dentist (the scarily Keir Starmer like Joe (Tak-Chung Ma) who has a slightly worrying thing for girls in uniform.

Up until now he's managed with dirty films and almost constant masturbation but it's getting to the point where not even this can alleviate his warped desires and soon enough he's a-raping and a-murdering traffic wardens in seedy back alleys just for kicks.

As you can tell he's a very bad man indeed.

Just in case you missed it first time round
(do you realize how long it
me to scan these shots?)

If this wasn't enough he's also start to fantasize about buxom highschool girl Jenny (infamously wobbly bummed and white ankle sock wearing Cat III star and former Penthouse cover gal Jane Chung Chun) who's booked into his surgery for a wee filling.

But not the kind he has on offer obviously.

Chu: loose crown,
Hello Kitty undies and

unsightly plaque not shown.

As soon as she enters the surgery he starts sinisterly sweating (unlike Prince Andrew obviously) and can only be calmed down when his put upon nurse raises her uniform and offers to let him have a quick fiddle with her pants.

No really.

But alas this isn't enough for the dirty dentist who cooks up an incredibly convoluted plan to get Jenny (and her pals) drunk (and drugged) at his house in order to have his wicked way with her.

And what is he planning for an encore?

Well he's decided that after completing the dirty deed he's going to wank off her unconscious boyfriend into a condom before placing his prone, trouserless body between Jenny's chubby thighs.

See? told you it was unnecessarily complicated.

Check the socks: The great Diane Pang
from a totally different yet
exploitative movie yesterday.

Surprisingly (yeah right) the plan goes awry, leaving Jenny hospitalized with concussion and a sore arse much to the chagrin of her policewoman sister Po Wan Yu (Athena Chu, the star of the classic Shaolin Kung Fu Kids), who, as luck would have it has just been demoted from overcoat wearing detective to cutesy uniformed PC.

Can you guess what happens next?

Athena Chu's farted and it's an eggy one.

Yup, she becomes the new object of the dentists affections as the movie careers toward an explosive climax featuring Po Wan Yu's mad granny, poisoned coffee, castration and a far too skimpy Brownie uniform.

Much was made on the films release in Hong Kong of Chung Chun’s “incredibly sexy performance” which in the harsh light of day consists of endless shots of her bending over showing her big white undies, chewing pencils and lying prone in a dentists chair whilst being slowly unbuttoned by a sweaty man.

Not all at the same time I hasten to add.

Luckily the movies saving grace is Athena Chu dressed in the aforementioned Brownie uniform pretending to be drunk whilst flashing her undies and giggling.

And her reason for wearing the outfit?

Turns out she's a Brown Owl for the local pack.

There's not much else I can say really.

Don't have nightmares.

Sunday, January 16, 2022

carpenter cuts.

Celebrate John Carpenter's birthday with 3 volumes of classic Carpenter inspired cuts, Jack Burton beats and taxicab tunes: