Sunday, May 23, 2021

lordi lordi hellelujah.

It's Eurovision weekend and Lordi are back rocking out on a roof.

Somehow the world now seems a better place.

So what better excuse to look back at the brilliantly bonkers Autism-based horror movie they made back in 2008.

Because quite frankly it's fucking amazing.

A wee bit like them.


Dark Floors (2008).
Dir:  Pete Riski.
Cast: William Hope, Leon Herbert, Philip Bretherton, Ronald Pickup, Noah Huntley, Dominique McElligott, Skye Bennett and the mighty Lordi.

There is only one Hell.

It's a dark and stormy night at Baldpate Hospital where the spookily Autistic - or is that Autistically spooky? - Sarah (Bennett - Steven Seagal's daughter from Shadowman and the voices of Pyra / Mythra in the hit game Xenoblade Chronicles 2) is undergoing an MRI scan to cure her obsession with red crayons or something.

Look it's all very complicated and I'm not a real doctor.

Unfortunately the storm causes the machine to short circuit and burst into flames much to the doctors - and it must be said her dad Bens (former Emmerdale hunk Huntley) dismay.

Between the electrical fires and the idea that you can cure Autism with an MRI scan (plus the fact that the hospital is greasier than your Uncle Pablo's trousers) Ben decides to take Sarah home only to be informed by caring sharing nurse Emily (McElligott from House of Cards) that they thought it'd be a laugh to start the wee girl on some experimental epilepsy drugs (without his consent obviously) and that to take her home without them may kill her.

As a plus point they do point out that her liver is OK so swings and roundabouts really.

At this point I was getting a little upset, not at the way that Sarah was being treated but by the fact that no-one ever offered me any drugs after my diagnosis, all I got was this badge:

Tight NHS bastards.

Thinking it over for a few minutes Ben decides to fuck the drugs and attempt to sneak her out of the hospital in the middle of the night, cunningly disguising her Autism by placing her in a wheelchair so folk will think she's got a club foot instead.


Surprisingly the plans seems to work, until they reach the (packed) elevator that is when - as they bump over the edge of the door to enter - Sarah drops her crayons.

Rushing to leave Ben grabs them off the (dark) floor and thrusts them back into her hands not realising that he's inadvertently mixed the reds in with the blues.

And the yellow.

Which as we're all aware is the Autistic equivalent of someone shitting in your favourite teacup.

Noticing the error Sarah can do nothing but scream in dismay and as we all know if an Autistic scream* is left unchecked it can open a portal to a scary netherworld of fear and terror which is kinda annoying for the other folk - smarmy briefcase wanker Jon (Aliens Gorman himself Hope), creepy tramp Tobias (Pickup from loads of stuff) and stoic security guard Rick (Herbert channeling every Ving Rhames horror performance ever) - in the lift when the doors open out onto a bloodstained, spunk covered corridor of doom.


"Excuse you require any scissors sharpening?"

As our - not so - merry band nervously edge their way out of the lift they soon discover that they seem to still be in the hospital only a darker more nightmarish version of it, which for anyone who's ever been stuck in A and E on a Saturday night will realise must be fucking terrifying.

They soon come across (not in that way) Emily who's been passing the time since the space/time slip popping paper towels over the faces of dead pensioners and who - in a scene of total jobsworthness - begins to lay into Ben for attempting to sneak Sarah out of the hospital.

 Remembering that he has a child with him Ben plays the dutiful dad and goes to see if she's alright (as opposed to alt. right obviously) only to find that she's too busy drawing all manner of scary creatures to notice what's going on.

Hopefully she's not drawing the beings that occupy this dimension seeing as she appears to be linked to it.

Nah, it'll never happen.

Atomic Kitten have let themselves go....

The group really don't have time to ever think about such things tho' as they're suddenly attacked by a spooky ghost woman which gives Jon an excuse to quickly fuck off back to the elevator leaving the others to indulge in a wee bit of what looks like drunk dad dancing as they try to dodge the imaginary spectre that will be no doubt added on later at great expense.

Entering the lift (in a violent manner usually reserved for your dad after a few drinks) Jon frantically presses the buttons in the hope of escaping this waking nightmare only to hear a sinister scratching at behind the floor panels....

Escaping the ghost and locking themselves in a supply room is enough to wake Tobias from his drunken stupor and give him an opportunity to explain the films plot.
It seems that Sarah is indeed linked to the strange happenings around them and that the only way to return home is to kill the child.

And we thought the whole MMR debacle was bad news for Autistic folk, this guy makes Andrew Wakefield look positively sane by comparison.

Tho' I must say that at this point anyone who actually believes the whole Autism/vaccines bollocks deserves a fucking good kicking.

Rant over.

Laugh now!

 Thinking it over for a few minutes Ben realises that not only would this course of action not go down too well with Sarah's mum (even tho' she's dead) but more importantly would probably stop him scoring with Emily so he decides to call Tobias an arse before heading off to find the hospital exit.

But something is hunting our heroes, hungry for fresh souls.....

Yup, Lordi are coming....

The brainchild of singer/songwriter Mr Geoff Lordi (AKA the Scrabble high scoring Tomi Petteri Putaansuu) as a new outlet for his shock-rock combo Lordi, Dark Floors holds not only the distinction of being one of the most expensive films made in Finland but also of being quite possibly the best Silent Hill adaptation ever made that's not actually a Silent Hill film.

Oh yeah and it features an Autistic lead so really what's not to love?

Well your sister if I'm honest but let's not go there.

Formed in 1992 the group had always experimented with horror imagery and by 2004 had already completed a short movie - The Kin - a Lovecraftian tale that follows a young writer who after losing her mother in a train wreck finds the creatures from a horror book she is writing (all played by members of the band) become flesh bending time and space to ensure the tome is published.

With the short establishing the band members/creatures origins it was only a matter of time before they would make the leap to the bigscreen and after winning the Eurovision Song Contest in 2006 the world stage beckoned.

And by world stage I mean cinema screens obviously.

World stage is just a phrase.

Kin Hell!

Surprisingly tho' given the bands appearance and musical influences this is no KISS style romp but a straight-laced, old fashioned horror movie with a dependable cast playing it straight down the line and whilst not as gruesome as it wants to be it still packs some genuine chills.

True the plot makes fuck all sense and indeed the science on show is a wee bit dodgy but you can't help but get dragged in by Mr Lordi - and director Pete Riski's - obvious love of the horror genre.

Dr Andrew Wakefield desperately tries to convince a young mum that shooting yourself in the head cures Autism....(If only he'd done this....sigh).

Worth a look if you're a fan of hospitals, Autism and/or orthopedic shoes (and let's be honest you wouldn't be here if you weren't) Dark Floors is a perfect Friday night moviethat whilst not re-inventing the genre does provide some (sensible) chuckles and a couple of nice scares along the way.

And yes I know the ending makes fuck all sense but they're foreign so what do you expect?

*Which is why all my kids are ball-gagged.

As am I.

And that's why I sound so muffly when I podcast.

And now you know.

Monday, May 10, 2021


Well worth a repost seeing as this is actually set ON THIS VERY DATE!

Yup, this is what 10th May 2021 was meant to look like according to Hammer Films way back in 1969....

The future's shit innit?

Anyway excuse the distinct lack of 'laugh now' and 'shite in mah mooth' comments as believe it or not this was originally written for publication in a proper magazine.

You know one with actual writers and everything.

Fuck knows how I got that gig.

Tho the original pitch was for another film entirely.*

Anyway as ever enjoy.

Moon Zero Two (1969).
Dir: Roy Ward Baker.
Cast: James Olson, Catherina Von Schell (AKA Catherine Schell), Amber Dean Smith, Simone Silvera, Warren Mitchell, Adrienne Corri, Ori Levy, Neil McCallum, Dudley Foster and Bernard Bresslaw.

"I'm always at a disadvantage when I haven't got any clothes on!"

The date is 1oth May 2021.

Which is scarily right now. 

Unless you're reading it later when it's the past.

Which is kinda freaky.

Anyway, man has visited Mars (it was shut) so decided instead to concentrate on colonizing the moon, where regular shuttle flights bring prospectors from Mother Earth all hoping to lay claim to its mineral riches.

At the arse end of space type jobs are the hardworking crew of space tug Moon Zero Two; the sexy comb-overed, ex-astronaut William Kemp (seventies scifi regular Olson) and his porn mustachioed co-pilot, Karminski (Levy from Entebbe: Operation Thunderbolt ) who earn an honest crust salvaging space junk.

Tash, brash and a butchers shop window yesterday.

Landing at the originally named Moon City after picking up a satellite constructed entirely from egg boxes, Kemp comes across an old space captain pal (and useful fountain of exposition) from his space hero days who, after pointing out that Bill is the best pilot ever, offers him a job as a passenger pilot for the Corporation.

Being a cool rebel dude, Kemp flatly refuses the offer, saying he's happy as an intergalactic Steptoe (or Sanford for our American friends) and heads off for a shower, giving his pal enough time to bump into the rich, powerful (and patently evil) J.J. Hubbard (Alf Garnett himself, Mitchell) and his sexy entourage.

But more from them later.

With a running time of only 100 minutes and having a lot to fit in, Bill's shower is interrupted by the arrival of the shapely (and frighteningly torpedo breasted) Miss Clementine Taplin (uber sexy and doe eyed Schell, better known as Space:1999's Maya) who's turned up on the moon looking for her brother Wally.

Tho' why she thinks she'll find him between Bill's manly buttocks is anyone's guess.

Schell: I would. Twice. And my Granddad probably did.

Bill isn't too interested in Clementine's dilemma but realizing that she's the best looking (and least whorish) of all the girls onscreen he decides to give her not only the grand tour of the city but also takes time out to explain every detail regarding mining on the far side of the Moon before suddenly dumping her outside a space boutique.

This is because he has a previous engagement with his girlfriend (well, I say girlfriend but she looks more like his auntie), United Nations Bureau of Investigation Agent Liz Murphy (A Clockwork Orange's Corri) who's dead angry because she's spent the last two hours hanging about in her pants waiting for a shag and is now late for work.

It's for this reason (possibly) she threatens to ground his ship.

Being a real man Bill deals with this rejection by heading off to get pissed but is interrupted by a big butch bastard with a bowl haircut named Harry (Carry on God and former Ice Warrior Bresslaw), who insists on taking Bill to see Mr Hubbard.

But not up the casino.

It seems that Hubbard needs an experienced pilot to divert an asteroid (composed entirely of the ceramic crystalline form of corundum aluminum oxide - sapphire to me and you) so it'll crash on the far side of the Moon.

As you would really.

Tho' this would be breaking about ten very serious space laws, Hubbard sweetens the deal by offering Bill a brand new spaceship.

A big silver one with fins and everything, like on the poster.**


The next day, accompanied big Harry and the weasley Whitsun (Foster) Bill takes off for the asteroid in order to set up the three engines that will alter it's orbit and send it crashing into the moon.

The only problem is that because he got the engines from the pound shop, Kemp has to stay on the asteroid to fire them manually (well, hit them with a hammer) then jumping off the big lump of rock before it starts moving too fast.

This is called 'the science' and may come in useful later.

When Bill returns to Moon City he heads straight to the bar, finding a very worried (yet still incredibly sexy) Clementine drinking alone with neither hide nor hair of her brother.

Grateful of a sympathetic ear (and a shiny head to look at) she explains that nobody has seen her errant sibling for several months and unless he can register his recent mineral claim within the next forty eight hours he'll lose everything.

Batting her luscious eyelashes Clementine asks if Bill fancies taking her where the sun don't shine (the dark side of the moon, not up the shitter) to find out what's happened.

Our hero, obviously delighted at the prospect of taking Clementine over the craters agrees, however Harry has different ideas and a (very slow) fight ensues in which the bars gravity is turned off and everyone walks around pretending they have porridge legs.

"I wouldn't want that zooming up my arse".

Quickly leaving the scene of the crime, Bill and Clementine arrive at the local cash and carry, Farside Five and realizing the cost of the optical effects needed to fly the ship to Wally's land, decide to hire a moon taxi instead.

After a long and uninteresting journey punctuated by even more back story, the duo arrive at Wally's mining site, only to find his shed empty and his lunar digger covered in cobwebs.

Oh and his corpse standing behind a rock ready to fall on the next person who touches it.

What originally appears to be a simple case of bad luck takes a sinister turn when three garishly clad hitmen turn up and try to kill the terrific twosome, forcing Bill to unload his own weapon into their faces before stealing Wally's digger and quickly heading back to the shops.

Unfortunately the fan is broken meaning that Clementine has to strip down to her undies for a bit.

Arriving safely back at Farside Five (and now fully clothed), our heroes find a still grumpy Liz waiting to arrest them for taking part in the crap fight earlier.

Bill quickly explains that Wally Taplin has been murdered - to death - before forcing the tubby base supervisor into confessing that it was him what done it.

"Fuck me! a wasp!"

Just as the fat man starts to sing who should turn up but Hubbard ready to fill the rest of the cast in on the full story behind the asteroid job.

But not before he shoots lippy Liz (no loss there then) and threatens to fill Clementine's face with hot lead.


It transpires that the asteroid's final destination is slap bang in the middle of Wally Taplin's mining site, Hubbard paid to have him killed so that he can grab the claim for himself and be even richer.

His maniacal laughter is still filling the air as Moon Zero Two blasts off toward the asteroid ready to set the knock off engines for it's final journey to the moon's surface.

In a matter of minutes they've reached their destination, giving Hubbard another excuse to gloat whilst Bill fiddles about with some wires (and sweats a fair bit).

Karminski and Clementine, meanwhile, are struggling bravely to regain control of the ship.

This involves making it lurch a wee bit before shooting a couple of folk and staring worriedly at Bill who, remembering the trouble with the engine earlier, shouts "Look out behind you! Swans!" before slamming it with a wrench really hard and finally leapfrogging over Hubbard and Witsun leaving them hurtling towards the moons surface.


Heading back home and with his girlfriend dead, Bill's only option is to ask Clementine for some sex.

And the cash for a new spaceship.

"Sorry I farted!"

Riding on the coat tails of 2001: A Space Odyssey, Hammer Films one and only foray into the world of the space western features the two things that would elevate Kubrick's movie to classic status.

Namely a sexy lady in space undies and a crudely animated title sequence featuring two badly draw ball headed astronauts fighting over whose flag should be up on the moon.

I mean, imagine how much less pofaced Stan's film would be if the entire 'Dawn of Man' scene had been hand drawn by under fives.

And been given a swinging 60's beat.

Am I allowed to say sheer genius?

"Shite-ski in mah mooth-ski comrade!"

No big black Stickle Bricks, dodgy drug fueled trips and deep comments on mans place in the universe for this movie, just a good old fashioned jewel heist jazzed up with brightly coloured rubber spacewear, go go dancing, a variety curvy hipped 60's vixens in multicoloured wigs and a collection of oh-so slightly miscast British comedy stars in semi-serious roles.

Oh, and I'm not too sure if I've already mentioned it, Catherine Schell in a skimpy bra and pants.

And if nothing else, director Baker should be applauded for having the audacity to even consider attempting to make a huge space epic on a typical Hammer shoestring budget and, despite it's 60's paraphernalia and almost fetishistic use of plastic shiny thigh boots, at least trying to use a little bit of 'the science' in regard to the space travel bits.

Catherine Schell: Smooth milky thighs
you could quite happily ski down.

Brighter than Outland, sexier than Alien and considerably shorter than Star Trek: The Motion Picture, Moon Zero Two deserves to be seen by a much wider audience than it has till now, cos no doubt poor James Olsen wouldn't say no to the cash.

*This was the other one.

**Look at it, I mean how cool is that?

Sunday, May 2, 2021

bark at the moon.

Revisited possibly the second greatest zombie movie of all time* as part of our brand new Twitter watchalong last night so thought I'd reanimated the review for those of you who'd never seen it.

And if you are one of those unlucky few, for fucks sake where have you all been?

And by the way if you do (as you should) love this movie as I do, why not express that love by buying one of these fantastic Burial Ground T-shirts available here or even here.

End of plug.

As a curious aside before we begin I thought I'd just add that during one of our many chats regarding this classic long-time reader Mr Dissolved Paul from The Canada (yes you can) discovered that apparently, (according to this ropey old VHS release anyway), the movie is actually set in Scotland.

Obviously there just happens to be a bunch of Italians and Etruscan Zombie monks kicking about.

But, he goes on to add, if that was the case, I'm pretty sure the most famous line would be "Ma, this rag totally stinks of pish".


Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror (AKA The Nihgts of Terror, Le Notti del Terrore, Die Ruckkehr Der Zombies - 1981)
Dir: Andrea Bianchi.
Cast: Peter Bark, Mariangela Giordano, Karin Well, Anna Valente, Simone Mattioli and Raimondo Barbieri.

"No, don't eat me. I'm your friend!"

Our tale of terror opens in a damp, dark cave - and surprisingly that isn’t a euphemism for Karin Well - where we join Santa's piss stained, fish-bearded and buggery obsessed brother examining some spooky cave drawings.

Obviously excited about this discovery he begins to bang on the walls whilst doing a - fairly erotic in the circumstances - drunk dance which unfortunately for him (but not for us) has awoken the dead that reside in the cave.

Dead that are hungry for human flesh.

And a wee bit of old man arse probably.

"Aye son, mah lottery numbers have
come up! oh no...ahv pished mah sel'."

Thru' the magic of cack handed editing it's suddenly the next morning where a motley band of visitors (three sexy young couples and a pot bellied dwarf  - sorry, small boy, my mistake) have arrived at the house and are looking forward to a weekend break in the country and catching up with their old pal Professor Ayres (the aforementioned bearded Barbieri).

Rocking up at the front door like some nightmare vision in Bri-Nylon our merry band are informed by the (fairly attractive in a kinda pound shop way) maid that the professor is out exploring and may be gone some time so they should make themselves at home.

Which in this case is an excuse for a quick bout of some hot sweaty sex-based shenanigans in the guest bedrooms.

Rushing to their rooms to unpack, undress and start shagging, poor little Michael (the legend that is Peter Bark looking for all the world like the result of an unholy pairing of Kevin Spacey and a warty testicle) is left alone in the downstairs lobby with only his Rubik Cube and Eye-Spy book of European arses for company.

Your mum and dad. Having sex.
In your bed.

After amusing himself for a few minutes playing with the hat stand and creepily chasing the maid, Michael decides to creep in on his mother and her mightily mustachioed lover in order to pick up a few sex tips.

We've all done it.

None too surprisingly the sight of a bowl headed, poppy eyed freak gazing lustfully from behind the sideboard does nothing for her growing passion so she throws a shoe at him screaming "Get out!".

As we will learn later, Michael has a wee thing for his dear mum and doesn't like her hanging around with perm haired, tanned Lothario's, no matter how tight their arses look whilst thrusting up and down on his mummy.

Fair enough.

Insert cock here.

After a morning of gin soaked sexiness and rampant STD's the couples settle down to some top grub whilst discussing the Professor's paper on the magical practices of the ancient Etruscans (ah, you studied that too eh?) before deciding to frolic round the lush gardens.

Michael on the other hand has decided to just sit and stare at his mums breasts.

Saying that tho' if my mums were half as bouncy I'd do the same.

But I digress.

Anyway, just in case you're wondering the frolicking in question mainly consists of sexy photography, breast fondling and general fanny flashing sauciness.

Fun for them maybe, but not for the viewer, unless you find the idea of middle aged Italian couples in nasty 70's fashion dry-humping to a sub Confessions score attractive.

Your maw's takin' the divorce well.

Luckily tho' just when you think the movie is going to descend into a soft core Euro-porn extravaganza, the dead do indeed start to rise from beneath the rosebushes and - remarkably for rotting centuries old Etruscans - manage to cut off any access to the cars, run the really annoying Janet (not the same of from Zombie Lake mind) into a handy bear trap, kill the non mustachioed man with a house brick and trap the shaky, shot to fuck survivors in the house.

And all within about twelve minutes, which isn't bad for a group of shite-covered tramps.

A shite moothed zombie
Etruscan yesterday.

The group are left with a big decision to they:

A. Board up the house, arm themselves, find a safe vantage point (i.e. the attic) and defend it till help comes.


B. Argue among themselves, wandering off in a huff occasionally (alone).

Unbelievably Mr. mustache decides it would be best to board the house up! Everyone looks at him, then each other, then back at him (except Michael who's still staring at his mums breasts) and then start arguing.

dirty pillows..."

One of the ladies (who cares which, they're all annoying) strops off and almost instantly gets killed by a knife wielding carnie zombie (unusual but quite nice).

Scarily he's not even the brightest one, I mean these zombies can actually plan attacks, use weapons and climb walls!

This skill is particularly useful when attacking the (still fairly hot) maid whom the undead horde manage to pin thru' an upstairs window and behead with a large scythe, which was unexpected to say the least.

Zombie Flesh Eaters? - Never heard of her.

Whilst all this is going on, Lothario man decides that the best course of action is to let the zombies into the house whilst the survivors hide in the pantry (do houses still have pantries?) sobbing like babies.

Surprisingly all the survivors think this is a great plan, except Michael that is who has an even  better idea.

You see he reckons now would be the best time to try and shag his mum.

Tom Cruise: the high waisted years.

Not knowing anything about shagging mums (well, not my own anyway) I'm quite sure (tho' I could be mistaken) that grabbing her breasts and trying to stick your tongue in her mouth isn't the way to go about it.

Unluckily for Michael this is just the smooth move he uses on her.

Unsurprisingly his mum freaks out a wee bit and throws another shoe at him screaming "Get out!" (it's becoming a habit) and Michael waddles off, only stopping to get bitten by a zombie.

Poor boy.

The survivors are faced with another difficult choice:

A. Run in the direction of the cars and drive away.


B. Run past the cars into the woods blindly waving your arms about going "AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!"

Which choice will they make?

Will they drive to safety or encounter a monastery full of black cloaked zombies?

Will Michael return from the grave to be met by his terrified mother or will she try to breast feed him in the most uncomfortable scene ever filmed?

The answer may be yes to the last one by the way.

Rush out and buy Burial Ground (or The Zombie Dead as the cheapo Vipco release calls it) and find out.

A bloody (not shitey) mooth
earlier today.

For all it's faults (including abysmal acting, paper thin characters, inept plotting, joke shop zombies etc.) Burial Ground is possibly one of the most entertaining films ever made, mostly down to Peter Bark's portrayal of the freaky mummy fixated Michael.

I mean whoever thought a 25 year old pot-bellied dwarf in a wig and nipple high trousers would make a convincing 12 year old deserves a medal for the sheer audacity of suggesting it.

He wanders around the film like some scary clockwork Dario Argento doll, either staring at his mums breasts or just staring into camera.

For what seems like hours at a time.

But his moment of triumph comes in the films closing moments; surrounded by the undead and with no means of escape the zombie Michael is welcomed by his open bloused mum to have some "mother's milk..."

Frankly I don't have the words and you won't either when you brave The Nights of Terror.......because you know you want to.

Cinematic gold.

*This is the best obviously.