pleasence valley sunday.

Watched this t'other night as it was the closest thing to hand plus strangely enough I'd never seen it before or heard anything about it except for the fact that lead actress Trine Michelsen wore a lovely red frock in it.

So gotta be worth a punt then.

 
Specters (1987).

Dir: Marcello Avallone.

Cast: John R. Pepper, Trine Michelsen, Donald Pleasence, Massimo De Rossi, Matteo Gazzolo, Lavinia Grizi, Riccardo Parisio Perrotti, Laurentina Guidotti, Erna Schürer and Giovanni Tamberi.

 

“If you are very quiet you can hear the distant voices of those who are buried here.”

 

Welcome to downtown Rome where a crew of hard-hatted engineer types are digging a new subway tunnel due to the massive amounts of film crews wanting to film down there after the success of Demons or something.

 

Or was it The Church?

 

It definitely wasn't Deathline tho' cos that was shot in the UK.

 

Saying that, they might be Patrick Troughton fans.

 

But I digress. 

 

Anyway, literally just underneath where they're constructing this new tunnel, eminent Professor of old things Geoff Lasky (a visibly alcohol-oozing Pleasence wearing a dead mans cardigan) is keeping his students busy by getting them to measure various ruins whilst scoffing apples.

 

Seriously there isn't a single scene in the film that doesn't feature a cast member eating/throwing/caressing an apple, it's like the entire thing was sponsored by Granny Smith.

 

Anyway it appears that the whole subway situation has caused the Professors catacomb dig to collapse revealing a hidden tomb with the words “Whether invoked or not invoked, evil will come.” carved above the entrance.

 

Which is nice. 

 

Obviously totally ignoring the warning Lasky and his students start to investigate, soon uncovering what looks like a plaster model of a dolls face with a massive gaping mouth just big enough to pop your cock in.

 

Or a slice of apple.

 

"I love you....could it be magic?"

 

Suddenly and without warning we appear to have traveled thru time and space to a music video for Ultravox circa 1983 where a hunky (well as far as greased-haired Italians can be) young man is driving a lovely young lady (in the aforementioned frankly smashing red dress) along a deserted road.

 

Destination?

 

Love possibly.

 

Although that might be a lie and he may disappear after they park leaving her to fall into the clutches of the Creature from the Black Lagoon.

  

Which in fact does actually happen.

 

Don't worry about any girl on fish tomfoolery occurring tho' as the whole thing is actually revealed to be a scene from a video being made for Alice's new pop song "Kiss My Fishlips!" and is quite a nice way of introducing not only our film's heroine Alice (Danish model and actress Michelsen whom you may recognise from Delirium) but her boyfriend - and one of Lasky's assistants Marcus (photographer, theatre director, filmmaker and father of the sheriff from Live And Let Die - Pepper), who's just arrived on set to take her back to his for a wee kiss and cuddle.

 

Unfortunately Alice is a bit pissed of that Marcus is spending so much time digging around in the dirt with Donald Pleasence so tells him in no uncertain terms to fuck off before shouting at her director and a fat sweaty man from the NME and finally storming off to her trailer.

 

Women eh?

 

The entire 80s summed up in one photograph.

 

 

  

 

Meanwhile back at the dig Professor Lasky and his team are busying themselves trying to figure out why anyone would bury sn evil, demonic entity beneath the mausoleum of the Roman Emperor Domitian.

 

"Was it cos they is Pagans?" asks the bespectacled Angelo (De Torrebruna, like anyone reading cares) helpfully whilst Barbara ('star' of You Disturb Me - Grizi) fiddles with her hair.

We never get to hear Lasky's reply tho' as we're suddenly following the oldest group of school kids in the world - led by Strip Nude For Your Killer's Erna Schürer and a depressingly nihilistic blind guide named Matteo (De Rossi wearing Peter Bark's discarded wig) - on a day trip around the catacombs.

 

 

"Hello it's the blind man, is anyone home?"

 

 

 

It wont come as any surprise to find that two of the students, Mike (Gazzolo from Umberto Lenzi's House of Lost Souls) and his ball-faced girlfriend Maria (latter day film producer Guidotti) are way more interested in sneaking off for a wee cuddle than traipsing around a damp muddy cave with some guy who looks like Jimmy Nail off Temu, so the pair decide to take a detour through an unmarked catacomb for some 80s style kissy kissy action involving double denim and bubble perms.

 

This however is soon interrupted firstly by a lone rat, followed by a huge gust of supernatural wind and finally a collapsing ceiling.

 

To be fair they'd be fucking quids in on You've Been Framed.

 

 

"Put it in me!"

 

Luckily no-one is hurt and the pair are promptly taken away in an ambulance and quickly forgotten.

I mean, come on, we're more interested in what Alice is sporting at the wrap party being hosted by the Italian version of Trevor Horn.

 

Or is that Timmy Mallet? 

 

Because let's be honest it takes a special type of gal to pull off a Thunderbirds cum SS inspired party outfit.

 

And Alice is most definitely that gal. 

 

But unfortunately at the moment she's a fairly grumpy one. 

 

Thunderbirds sind los!
 

You see she's deciding whether she should dump Marcus because even tho' they both love spaghetti and shagging she's upset that he spends so much time at the dig.

 

As horror subplots go this one is fairly unique I guess.

 

It doesn't last long tho' as no sooner has Marcus arrived than the pair kiss and make up and decide to go home for a wee bout of "the sex" but as the loved up pair approach their car a mysteriously shoe-less hooded tramp warns them that  

 

“It’s time to leave. To run away from this rotten place. Flee the city before evil, which is tired of hiding in the bowels of the earth, decides to wake. Leave before the sinister howls of the phantoms engulfed us all!”

Before asking them for the bus fare to Queensbury.

 

Meanwhile, back at the restaurant, Trevor Horn is suddenly attacked by deadly corks bursting out of the wine bottles in the cellar before tripping over the carpet resulting in him falling head first thru a window and being garotted.

 

Ouch.

 

"Is it in yet?"

 

 

 

The next morning Marcus heads back to the dig nice and early in order to prepare himself for the first trip into the secret catacomb for over 2000 years, it's no surprise to find Lasky is fairly excited to find out what's down there but not excited (or stupid) enough to go himself obviously.

 

Which to be fair is actually a pretty sensible choice seeing as within minutes of descending Marcus has fallen into a huge hole and lost radio contact with the team.

 

This turn of events does give us time to gaze in wonder at the top of the range graphics on the Commodore Amiga that Angelo is desperately prodding to regain contact with his pal so swings and roundabouts really.

 

Luckily for those of a nervous disposition watching this whole situation is sorted within minutes and contact is soon reestablished just in time for Marcus to share footage of the massive paper mache (sorry stone) tomb emblazed with the word EVIL (in Latin so it must be legit) he's discovered in the middle of the room alongside a tiny bone and what looks like a four-pronged gardening trowel that may - or may not - come in useful for killing any monsters (or specters) later.

 

This kind of love is wrong, but you know it feels so right
Runnin' my hands across your cheeks
They're oh so smooth and white
So leave the light on baby, and unlock your backdoor
I'll be comin' through that way tonight to love you for sure.

Marcus quickly returns to the surface (it's a fairly short movie) and hands Angelo the bone (which he quickly takes to an anthropologist pal to be examined) and Lasky the trowel which he excitedly inspects before contacting the digs financier Len Gaspare (Murder Rock's Perrotti - literally what you get if you order Patrick Stewart from Grindr) who arranges to meet up with Lasky in order to criticize his lack of imagination whilst rubbing his semi-engorged member against his back and massaging the Professors shoulders just like your uncle used to when you were little.

 

Returning to his antique shop cum house cum sex dungeon (which bizarrely is connected to the tomb by an underground tunnel for absolutely no reason) Gaspare orders his leather-clad, thin lipped henchman Gino (Phantom of Death's Tamberi)  to steal the ancient trowel from Professor Lasky. 

As Gino squeaks off into the tunnels Alice is experiencing a stylish dream sequence cum homage to Nosferatu which seems at odds with the rest of the film seeing as it's fairly competently shot and quite effective.

 

 

MONSTA!

 

Whilst all this homo-erotic leatherboy/vampy dream action is going down it appears that poor Barbara has been left in charge of cataloging the stuff found in the tomb, meaning she's spending her Saturday night in a damp hole with only a bottle of wine and a copy of Photoplay for company.

 

Luckily this issue features a full page poster of Richard Gere which Barbara spends an uncomfortable amount of time caressing and chatting to.

 

No really. 

 

We don't have to put up with this frankly embarrassing fawning for long tho' as the spooky wind from earlier turns up just as Barbara decides to open the sarcophagus and a giant pair of hands burst out from the walls and crush her to death as Gino watches on in horror.

 

Or is that indifference?

 

I really don't know.

 

Or care. 

 

The unseen beast then chases Gino down the tunnel to Gaspare's basement where both men are killed (to death), Gino by bumming (probably) and Gaspare by having his head squashed against the wall. 

 

"It's CCCHHHRRRRIIISSSTTTMMMAAASSSS!"

 

Back at the tomb Professor Lasky and Marcus have arrived to find Barbara missing, the sarcophagus empty and me in total confusion as to trying to follow the plot.

 

Is it any wonder that Marcus wanders off in confusion? 

 

I mean to be honest I'd do the same if it wasn't so cold out.

 

And I was watching naked. 

 

Suddenly we're back with Alice who is interrupted recording another track for her new album when the microphone she's using turns into a massive green snake causing her to run out of the recording studio and jump into Marcus’s car, who as luck or bad plotting would have it has just turned up outside.

 

Turns out it's a really busy night, seeing as Angelo is also busy off seeing his Anthropology pal to see if he could find out anything from his tiny bone only to be killed by a dirty sink straight after calling Marcus, who himself was also busy with a tiny bone.

 

Snigger. 

 

He heads over to the anthropology lab leaving a half naked yet surprisingly relieved Alice to experience another horror film homage - this time it's A Nightmare on Elm Street as she's dragged kicking into the mattress, her smooth thighs glistening in the moonlight like a pair of shiny milk bottles whilst at the dig the evil best thing has a spooky staring contest with Professor Lasky causing him to have a heart attack or something.

As he lies prostrate in a recently arrived Marcus' arms (he's had a busy night) Lasky ominously whispers “I saw evil, I looked into his eyes.” before dying.

It's now left to Marcus to enter the catacombs, kill the demon and rescue the woman he loves before something terrible and up until now unexplained happens....

From Marcello Avallone, the man behind the spooky child-based chiller 
Un gioco per Eveline (1972) and the Mexican monster mash Maya (1989) comes this frankly bonkers and (oh so) leisurely paced demonic potboiler that despite it's shortcomings (lack of coherent plot, the aforementioned pacing, horrible trousers) is actual fairly enjoyable in a kinda slightly tipsy Sunday night way.

 

The acting is OK if nothing spectacular - which I guess is what happens when you cast the assistant director of The World According to Garp and Ghostbusters as your lead just because he speaks English - Pleasence phones in his performance whilst Trine Michelsen at least tries to do something other than frown whilst biting her lip whilst wearing THE greatest 80s wardrobe ever committed to celluloid plus it's pretty rare to see a (semi-intended) flirty gay scene in an Italian horror movie, especially when it's between an actor and human potato Donald Pleasence and the fey silver fox Riccardo Parisio Perrotti, which is at least something different.

 

It's just a pity then that fuck all of this matters as we've no idea who any of these people are and why we should invest in their story and just because Trine Michelsen has a smashing arse it doesn't mean you should base a 90 minute film around waiting for shots of it.

 

No caption required (except I've written one. Damn.)

 

It's not all bad tho' and as you're watching you can kinda tell which bits of the script were written by horror royalty Dardano (Cat O'Nine Tails, Demons, Bay of Blood, Zombie Flesh Eaters and The Beyond to name a few) Sacchetti and which bits by (journalist) Andrea Puragtori and jack of all trades Maurizio Tedesco which manages to keep you interested and while effects wise most of the budget seemed to go on a big industrial fan there are some nice practical make-up effects from genre stalwart Sergio Stivaletti including a totally underused full demon suit that only appears in silhouette toward the films climax.

 

Admittedly the face does have a wee bit of a comical underbite that screams 80s Doctor Who at you, which is why the director probably chose to concentrate on its hands instead.

 

Oh and Michelsen's bum obviously.

 

Chase me now.

 

 

The score by composer Lele Marchitelli and jazz pianist Danilo Rea is exactly what you'd expect from an Italian horror film of the period and if you're anything like me you'll already have it on your music player and overall the film is very pretty to look at but other than that it's kinda for Italian horror completists only.

Or those of you that have trouble sleeping. 

The cinematic equivalent of cuddling up on your sofa with an aging Labrador and slowly drifting off to sleep.

 

 

people you fancy but shouldn't (part 114).

Star Trek: Strange New Worlds' Captain Marie Batel (as portrayed by Melanie Scrofano).

 

 

neutron!

Introducing lucha libre superhero Neutron
and his trusty sidekick,Basil.

 

Beat that Marvel and DC! 

dino-sore.

Just back from seeing Jurassic World: Rebirth with the boychild who is now on a total dinosaur frenzy and is begging for more cinematic dino action so thought I'd show him this classic.

 

"I wouldn't want that swimming up my arse!"

 

The Last Dinosaur (1977).

Dir: Alexander Grasshoff and Tsugunobu Kotani

Cast: Richard Boone, Joan Van Ark, Steven Keats, Luther Rackley, Masumi Sekiya, William Ross, Carl Hansen, Tetsu Nakamura, Nancy Magsig, Don Maloney, Vanessa Cristina, Hyoe Enoki, Shunsuke Kariya, Toru Kawai and Tatsumi Nikamoto.

 

"You told me! You swore to all of us that we were not going to harm the dinosaur! We were only supposed to take film and study it!"

 

Welcome to the world of Masten Thrust jr. (Ex-Michael Elphick starring teevee show and American screen stalwart Boone) - the mighty man-tittied and gin soaked multimillionaire owner of the amusingly monikered Thrust Inc. who, when not using a manned laser drill to search for oil under the polar ice caps, is busy inappropriately touching (much) younger women and shooting wild animals in the face. 

Imagine, if you will, an animatronic melting meat sculpture of Tony Stark powered by piss and gin with the libido and pulling power of Donald Trump and you're halfway there.

We first come across our man-breasted hero as he's attempting to seduce a (much) younger girl in his (animal) corpse filled apartment, luckily this sexual harassment case waiting to happen is interrupted by a phone call from Thrust's office. It seems that his companies latest expedition accidentally ended up in an underground 'lost world' where all the crew save one were eaten by a dinosaur.  

No, really.

And with that Masten jets off to Japan (well it is co-produced with Tokusatsu) to find out the full story.

Holding a press conference with the aforementioned team survivor, geologist Chuck Wade (Tombstone toothed Keats from Death Wish and Silent Rage), Masten  announces that he's leading a second expedition himself in order to study (but not kill, oh no) the dinosaur (now discovered to be the last Tyrannosaurus Rex in existence, tho' how they know that I'm not sure) in its natural habitat alongside Chuck, a Masai tracker named Bunta (American professional basketball 'star' Rackley), eminent dinosaur expert Dr. Kawamoto (actor and singer Nakamura from the classic Space Amoeba) and the Pulitzer Prize-winning photographer Frankie Banks (Dallas' Valene Ewing herself and the voice of Spider-Woman in the 1979 animated series, Van Ark).

Masten is initially skeptical about Banks joining the expedition because she's a woman but she soon convinces him of her suitability thru' a mix of showing him her photography work taken in various war zones and stripping naked at a party before taking him back to her hotel room and licking his pock-marked face.

Because feminism obviously.

And with that they're on their way!

"I can see your house from here Peter!"

As our intrepid team approach the Polar Borer (cunningly played by something you'd find in your mums 'secret' drawer), the first thing we notice is how fucking small the 'full size' prop is. Seriously it's like two garden bins stuck together and sprayed silver, I mean you'd be hard pushed to fit Richard Boone's gut in it let alone the rest of the cast. Tho' this may be a cunning way of making the rest of the special effects and props look really good, I mean if you can take this seriously then you'll have no problem when the massive cardboard Pteranodon appears wobbling against a painted backdrop when our crew come ashore in cave-land.

Tho' to be fair it might just be that the whole thing is fucking threadbare.

Anyway, once they do actually come ashore - and after being almost trampled to death by a passing Uintatherium, Masten orders Dr. Kawamoto to set up camp, whilst he, Chuck, Bunta and Frankie head into the woods to find the pesky Tyrannosaurus Rex. 

And maybe a kebab shop.

Or even an off-licence.

Luckily with this being a fairly short film it's not long before the magnificent beast reveals itself to one and all, stomping thru the trees as it chases Frankie in an attempt to eat her whole.

Tho' I've heard it usually spits that bit out.

I thank you.

As an aside I really think it's important to point out that it's not any old fucker with an Equity card playing the Tyrannosaurus Rex tho', oh no, it is in fact the mighty Toru Kawai - famed Japanese stunt man and actor best known for playing Godzilla in Terror of Mechagodzilla as well as doubling for Ultraman Ace, Ultraman Taro and Ultraman Leo and also playing Gamera - which is the equivalent of royalty on this blog.

Nuff said.

"I 'squeeze your head!"

Masten excitedly pulls out his massive weapon with the aim of emptying it's hot content into the dinosaurs mouth (OK he pulls out a rifle in an attempt to shoot it in the face) but the beast keeps moving, causing the gun to jam and Masten to get all huffy and throw it at away before stomping off and hiding in some bushes, quickly followed by the rest of the team.

Little do they realize tho' that they are being followed by a tribe of comedy toothed, black up Japanese extras pretending to be neanderthals who are, in turn being followed by a kleptomaniac cave woman with very dirty feet (Sekiya best know for Special Investigation Unit and the manga adaptation Nippon bijo monogatari: onna no naka no onna) who is busy stealing everything the explorers discard.

Not including their dignity obviously.

"Boiled onions!"

 

Whilst all this decidedly non-PC raceplay is going on the Tyrannosaurus Rex has made it's way to the camp where it's come across Dr Kawamoto cooking up a huge pot of bangers and mash for dinner.

Not too surprisingly the beast kills Kawamoto before scoffing the food, smashing up the camp and finally picking up the Polar Borer in its mouth and carrying it off to its bone-filled lair where for absolutely no reason, a Triceratops bursts out of a wall and fights him.

To be fair tho' this scene is utter genius and not just for the fact that the front end of the Triceratops is played by Tatsumi Nikamoto, who also did stunt work on Ultraman Leo and Ultra Seven plus played Titanosaurus in Terror of Mechagodzilla.

No idea who played the back end tho'.

As the battle rages 'tween these two titans of terror, the Triceratops draws first blood but is soon countered with a kick to the head from our Tyrannosaurus pal in a fight that is as long as it is bloody (and bloody ludicrous).

I could wax lyrical for hours about this battle but frankly I can't be arsed so I wont, suffice to say that the Tyrannosaurus eventually wins by stomping on the Triceratops' face before heading off for a nap.

 

"Laugh Now!"

 

Whilst all this top quality action is going down our merry band have returned to the base camp to find it utterly trashed and the Polar Borer missing which causes Masten to storm off in a bigger rage than ever, vowing to kill the beast as he heads off to find a cave to live in.

No really.

Jump forward 4 months and the whole group are eking out a meager existence hunting rabbits whilst Frankie plays den-mother to everyone (in between flirting with Masten and Chuck that is).

But it's not all happy families and furtive shags tho' as the cavemen are becoming braver and start coming ever closer to our merry bands hideout.

And they've now started carrying pointy sticks.

Chuck suggests that they should form an alliance with the natives but Masten violently disagrees, constructing a makeshift crossbow in order to kill their leader and scare the rest of them away.

Bizarrely this not only succeeds in scaring them away but to also attract the thieving cave girl to our heroes cave where she attempts to return all the shit she's stolen/found over the last few months including the telescopic sight from Masten's rifle.

This has the effect of making him letch over her instead of Frankie (for a change) and giving her the name 'Hazel' due to the nutty smell emanating from her arsehole.

Frankie isn't too bother by this turn of events tho' (she's probably glad of a break from being prodded by Masten's big bloated sausage fingers) as she now has someone to help her wash her hair and prepare dinner for the men.

And no I'm not making this shit up.

 

Tunnel or funnel?

 And it's during one of these girly hair washing sessions 'tween Frankie and Hazel that the Tyrannosaurus reappears ready to strike. Frankie takes refuge in nearby cave whilst Hazel legs it into the bushes leaving Bunta and Chuck to fashion a rope made from Masten's wiry pubes (OK from local shrubbery) that they tie around a big boulder before Bunta lassos the other end around the dinosaurs tail and finally rolling the boulder done a hill giggling to themselves as the poor beast rolls after it, coming to a violent halt in a pond and banging its head.

This only manages to make Masten even more angry than usual and - after slapping Hazel (she loves it!) he starts collecting (well, orders Buntato start collecting) loads of wood in order to build a giant catapult to kill the beast with.

"Monsta!"

Will Masten's frankly bonkers plan succeed?

Will Chuck find the Polar Borer and attempt to persuade Frankie to leave with him?

Will it turn out that the films title actually refers to Masten rather than the Tyrannosaurus Rex (because technically it's not the last dinosaurs as there are loads of others wandering about but also because it's not a literal title)?

And does anyone actually care?

From the fevered mind of  cartoonist, writer, artist and letterer William Overgard (best known for his sterling inks of the American adventure comic strip Steve Roper and Mike Nomad between 1954 and 1985) comes this testosterone tinged tale of big beasts, bigger egos and baggy dinosaur suits that feels as out of time as the dinosaurs on screen.

Originally pitched to ABC as a movie of the week as a standard "great white hunter goes back in time to kill a dinosaur" actioner, it was rejected in favour of a rock musical remake of King Kong (which luckily never happened) before being dragged back to the pitch meeting and retooled as a full blown theatrical release.

Unfortunately the company he took it to was the stop-motion/seasonal fayre film purveyors Rankin/Bass Productions (Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964), The Little Drummer Boy (1968), and Frosty the Snowman (1969) among other classics) who although fantastic when it came to animation - Mad Monster Party is one of my all time faves) weren't really well known (if at all) for their gritty action output.

Luckily they had links with Japan due to them outsourcing many of their 'Animagic' animated productions which were headed up by Japanese stop-motion animator Tadahito Mochinaga at his studio, MOM Productions so it was only a matter of time before those masters of monster mayhem Tsuburaya Productions (founded by special effects God Eiji (Ultraman and Godzilla) Tsuburaya in 1963) became involved with the job of bringing the terrifying dinosaurs to life.

"Chase me now!"

Unfortunately the dollar to yen exchange rate at the time must have been really low as the effects on show aren't up to the studios usual standards.

And yes I'm being kind.

But effects aren't everything (ask Doctor Who)* and film usually lives or dies by the performances on screen.

It's a pity then that The Last Dinosaur has a massive, gin-soaked angry misogynist with really crap hair at its heart.

Drunkenly stumbling 'tween leching over women young enough to be his (grand) daughter and either shouting at them or slapping them before obviously sobering up enough to apologize, Richard Boone's performance is at once hysterical and terrifying whilst everyone else on screen just wanders around looking uncomfortable.

Especially the myriad of women that are forced to pretend to fall for his ample charms.

 Seriously, Masumi Sekiya looks like a deer caught in headlights when she has to lay down next to him and to be honest I'd rather take my chances with the dinosaur, at least its fingers would be small enough to gently unfasten my bra** and not leave greasy bruises on my shoulders.

Or bite marks.

True Joan Van Ark tries to bring a wee bit of gravitas to the proceedings but the writers are unsure if she's meant to be a hardened news photographer ala Elizabeth ‘Lee’ Miller or a simpering girl unable to cope without shampoo or make-up whilst Steven Keats just stands about complaining or being shouted at.

I'd say that Luther Rackley comes out best seeing as he has absolutely no dialogue but looking back he is forced to wear tiny shorts and shake a spear a lot so I reckon he deserves our pity too and I'm not going to mention the state of the blacked up, comedy toothed cavemen for fear of cancellation.

Only I just did.

Damn it. 

 

Hat.

 

 I was going to say something about the direction but all I can think of is that even Academy Award-nominated directors like Alex Grasshoff can have an off-day.

Seriously his Kolchak episodes are top notch as is Backwards: The Riddle Of Dyslexia, a film he directed for the American television anthology series ABC Afterschool Special in 1984 starring River and Joaquin Phoenix.

See? 

This blog is educational too.

Luckily Tsugunobu Kotani is on hand to film the monster bits, which he does by nonchalantly pointing the camera at them and hoping they're in focus, which to be fair they sometimes are.

So does the movie actually have anything remotely going for it?

Well the title song "He's the Last Dinosaur", arranged and conducted by Bernard Hoffer and with spot on lyrics by Jules Bass (seriously amazing song writing career for Rankin/Bass, check him out) is a banger and Grammy Award winner Nancy Wilson's vocals are top notch so it's worth watching just for that.

They - and us - deserved a better film.

Good day to you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*By that I mean classic Doctor Who obviously, if you ask new Who (or its fans_ anything you'll probably get a joyless lecture on 'proper' pronoun use in relation to the Monoids and how "Doccy Who" now "Slays Queen!" or "Serves c*nt!" or something equally as unintelligible before being told the show was never made for you in the first place and finally angrily getting called a Nazi (or something) for then doing what you were told and not watching.

Well that would be the case if anyone at all was still watching or cared that is.

 

 

No.

**It's a metaphorical bra as I don't wear one.

spank the monkey.

An interesting (possibly) aside before we get to the film good and proper, I originally rented this beauty from Happy Shopper - now Londis - in Sedgley alongside Demons, a film on which Arena stalwart Mr Jamie Letrasetted 'El Cheapo Films Present' on the label and no-one noticed.

We both now work in illustration and graphic design so take from that what you will.

Londis: Where dreams came true and pre-certs were rented to the underaged...Oh and you could buy single fags for 10p.

Bizarrely the main reason for watching it at the time was because Howard Vernon was in it and we both loved him in Zombie Lake which as we all know is THE greatest zombie film of all time.

Plus Jamie had read somewhere that it featured nudity.

Look, we were teenage boys OK?

Saying that tho' it's not like I can use that excuse for owning a copy now can I?

Orloff And The Invisible Man (AKA Orloff Against the Invisible Man, Orloff Against the Invisible Dead, The Invisible Dead, Dr. Orloff’s Invisible Monster, Love Life of the Invisible Man and so on, 1970).
Dir:  Pierre Chevalier (Yes that Pierre Chevalier).
Cast: Howard Vernon, Brigitte Carva, Fernando Sancho, Evane Hanska, Francis Valladeres and Isabel del Río.

Don't let the 70s porno theme put you off as we head back in time to the late 1800's (tho' the sideburns scream 1970s) where the poodle-haired pretty boy Dr. Brian Garondet (dubbing king Valladeres in his only on-screen film role outside those dodgy ones he made with your pals auntie) is rudely awakened from his fireside slumber by the sound of his haggered housekeeper arguing with a wee boy on the stairs.

It seems that the boy (in reality a 30 something homeless person forced into a pair of obscene shorts on the promise of a sandwich) has arrived from the dreaded Castle Orloff (now) because someone there needs help of some kind.

Probably.

Anyway, bored with staring at the housekeepers haunted visage Garondet grabs his cape and heads off to the local in order to procure a ride.

As is the way in such movies nobody at the inn wants to give him a ride, except that is for one driver who needs the cash for a charisma transplant.

And acting classes.

And to buy some better fitting trousers seeing as the ones he's wearing appear to stop suddenly right above the ankle.

This doesn't stop him grunting and grumbling all the way thru' the woods tho' as he complains to Garondet about everything from the current state of Doctor Who to bloody foreigners via women's lib (some things don't change, especially the directors underpants) so it comes as a blessed relief when the  carriage jerks to a halt after becoming lodged in mud.

Having second thoughts about taking our pompadoured ponce to the castle the driver plays a fantastic wheeze on Garondet, telling him that he needs to get out and push in order to get them unstuck.

As Garondet gets out of the carriage  the driver shoots away giving the vickies to the poor doctor as he does, leaving him stranded in the park behind the directors house sans his luggage as an underpaid crew-member pours a watering can on him from a well concealed ladder.

Luckily, he soon manage to find the castle, only to have Tobias the hulking manservant slam the door in his (pretty) face after telling him in no uncertain terms to get to fuck.

Realizing that the movie only has a 75 minute running time and that the majority of it so far has been taken up with aimless - and endless - shots of a badly lit man walking around a wooded glade, Garondet forces his way in and demands to be taken to Professor Orloff.

Tobias just shrugs his shoulders and wanders off leaving Garondet shuffling uncomfortably in the corner as buxom Brenda the scullery maid (ginger princess Hanska - be still my beating heart) furiously polishes the silverware.

I'd just like to point out that this is by far the most erotic thing that happens during the course of the film.

"Ooh Vic....I've fallen!"

After a few minutes of uncomfortable fork fiddling and fire poking Brenda finally informs Garondet of the Professor's whereabouts before begging him to take her away with him when he leaves.

It seems that something untoward is afoot at Castle Orloff.

Pressing her for more information Brenda explains that the Professors waif-like daughter Cecile (the frighteningly bird like Carva in her one screen appearance - there's a pattern forming here) actually sent for Garondet and only she can explain why.

And with that Brenda hands him a lantern and points him in the direction of Cecile's bedroom before warning him to be careful as the cameraman scarily (crash) zooms onto Brenda's blotchy face.

This strikes him as odd, since everything has been so normal up until now, of course.

After a few more minutes of aimless meanderings and fire stoking Garondet finally comes across (but not like that) Cecile who quickly - and very woodenly -  explains that, yes, she did indeed send for him due to the fact that something strange is going on in the castle.

It appears that Cecile has become aware of some invisible force at work in the castle, quite literally it seems - she's had a feeling that someone or something has been walking beside her but can see no-one and when she looks into her mirror she senses that someone else is there yet sees no reflection.

Plus there have been footprints in the butter.

Garondet reckons she's just mental and begins to make his excuses to leave but Cecile begs him to stay and at least have a quick chat with her dad.

Never being one to turn down a shot to fuck skinny bird in a sheer polyester nightie Garondet decides that he might as well stay and try to figure out the mystery.

Of the invisible thing that is, the mystery of why anyone would watch this shite is beyond understanding.

Adele: The wilderness years.

Upon entering her father's lab, Garondet is - fairly - surprised to see a book floating above a table before slowly lowering onto it and slamming shut of it's own accord.
With barely a second to digest this wacky wonder Garondet is suddenly confronted by a gun wielding Orloff (Vernon, the reason we are here) demanding to know who he is.

Garondet does his best with the little talent he has to explain himself before appealing to Orloff's vanity by asking how he made the book move without touching it.

Orloff gleefully announces that he's created an invisible man.

Seems legit.

As if to hammer home the point Orloff orders his see-thru servant to serve some drinks.

This is more than enough to convince Garondet who pulls up a chair and listens intently as Orloff waxes lyrical about creating a superior race of limitless potential as a means of revenge on his unbelieving colleagues at the mad doctor academy.

Which is fair enough I guess.

Garondet being a man of morals is worried that an artificially created invisible superman may be dangerous (you think?) but Orloff assures him - and us - that the creature is in fact a really well rounded individual with no violent tendencies at all.

Phew, well I'm convinced.

Fairly hitting his stride (whilst subtly rubbing his member against a shelf) Orloff continues explaining that his creation is the culmination of more than 20 years of research into invisibility but that the experiment was only successful due to a perfect guinea pig being found 6 years previously.

Tho' he probably doesn't literally mean he used a guinea pig because the fucker would be huge.

"You ain't seen me right?"

According to Orloff's continued ranting the test subject was a local 'subhuman' he found sleeping behind the bins whom he took home and killed before restructuring his brain enabling him to become invisible subhuman.

Garondet is horrified by Orloff's confession so the professors offers him some wine and decides to tell the whole story behind its creation - in wobbly flashbackovision - in order to justify his actions.

Unfortunately the story that unfolds has fuck all to do with the experiments.

What we do get however is the story of how 6 years earlier (my that was a busy year) Cecile had a heart attack and died (or something) and after being taken to the family crypt two of Orloff's servants - the dirty pillowed Marie (tomb-toothed Del Rio famous for playing 'girl in a car' in the classic Le Chat) and her wannabe lover Ron (Zombie Lake's Claude himself Sancho) head to the tomb in order to steal the jewellery that Cecile was buried in.

But not before a totally gratuitous scene of Marie getting undressed then dressed again, pausing only to jiggle her ample arse at the camera in that way your mum does when she's tipsy.

As they attempt to prize the rings from Cecile's fingers she regains consciousness freaking Marie out and causing Ron to stab the poor girl before running away.

You can imagine Orloff's reaction when his evening of deep contemplation is disturbed by his - now living - daughter stumbling back into the house announcing that she was attacked by Ron whilst he was stealing her stuff.

Putting her to bed with a nice cup of cocoa and a digestive biscuit Orloff storms to Ron's room and beats him about the head with a riding crop before dragging him off the the cellar and locking him in a cell.

Begging for his life Ron confesses that it was all Marie's idea and that he only went along with it because she promised to let him touch her bum but Orloff is unimpressed.

To be honest after seeing her arse in the last scene I'd be unimpressed too.

With a curt goodbye Orloff heads off to confront Marie but she's already skipped town with the jewels.

Grabbing a discarded pair of Marie's shite-encrusted underwear from off the radiator Orloff instructs his huntsman to have his dogs hunt her down - which they quickly do -  finding her sitting by a lake admiring her booty.

An angry Orloff beats Marie till her blouse falls of and drags her back to the castle.

Before Garondet can ask what the fuck this has to do with the main plot Orloff interrupts him by telling our hero that the whole ordeal sent Cecile mad and on that bombshell he offers Garondet his hospitality for the night and with the invisible man helpfully opens the door and carrying a lantern for them, Orloff leads his guest to his room.

Bidding his host goodnight Garondet soon discovers that the room features nothing but a broken fireplace and an old flea-bitten three-piece sofa so in an attempt to keep warm he wraps himself in a dog blanket and settles into a chair.

Meanwhile Orloff has ordered Brenda to his laboratory, she must be punished  for bringing the doctor to the castle.

As he lectures the poor girl on the rule pertaining to house calls the invisible man becomes more and more agitated hurling cups and saucers across the room, Brenda becomes more and more terrified (probably tho' to me she just looks bored) begging Orloff not to let the invisible man 'punish' her before fleeing to the cellar.

You can tell where this is going can't you?

"Juliet Bravo!"

Garondet is rudely awakened by Brenda's screams as we cut to Orloff standing over her prone body as he sinisterly whispers "She's yours!" to his see-thru pal.

Stripping her naked we're now treated to a hideously protracted (if not unintentionally amusing) scene where poor Hanska is made to roll around naked whilst the cameraman randomly zooms in on her massive unkempt bush and ruddy arse stopping occasionally to linger on her confused expression as she gamely throws herself around a dirty cellar floor.

I'm surprised she ever decided to make another movie.

Eventually Brenda is left exhausted on the straw as Orloff's transparent terror wipes his cock on the remains of her skirt before making his excuses to leave.

Realizing he might be missing out on some (any?) action Garondet uses a fan (as in the cooling down your face type not someone who admires his work) to retrieve the key to his room and hurriedly heads to the cellar to investigate the screams, being utterly useless tho' he ends locked in a dungeon with only a dribbling and incoherent Big Ron for company.

It seems that Ron is responsible for the series of disappearances blighting the area that up until now no-one has mentioned, collecting as he does waifs and strays in order to supply fresh blood for the doctor to feed his creation with.

And it seems that Garondet is the next donor.

Yes I know none of this makes any sense but I didn't write it, you can blame Chevalier and co-writer Juan Fortuny for that.

Tho' seeing as both of them are dead you'd need to hold a séance first.

So it's really not worth the effort is it?
 
Anyway in a move that would make The A Team proud Garondet uses a handy torch to burn thru' the plank holding the door shuts and escapes into the catacombs before getting into an altercation with a rubber bat and finally getting locked into yet another cell by the invisible man.

He really is shit isn't he?

Luckily Cecile, armed with a big bag of flour comes to his rescue.

The flour it seems is to throw around randomly in order to make sure the invisible man isn't following them.

Genius.

Heading back to her room in order to pack an overnight bag the dynamic duo are surprised when the door bursts open and footprints suddenly appear in the flour.

Garondet gallantly hurls himself in front of Cecile to protect her honour only to trip and bang his head giving the invisible man ample opportunity to drag Cecile into her bedroom and strip her naked.

There's been an elephant in the fridge again.

Luckily Cecile is quite skinny and easily wriggles free of the creatures grasp and hides behind a chair.

Garondet meanwhile comes to his senses and runs to her aid throwing the remaining flour in the direction of the grunting revealing an obvious double exposure of some poor sod in a manky ape suit looking confused.

Advancing menacingly on Garondet and Cecile - but especially Cecile - the by now visible beast lets out a - fairly lackluster - ROAR! before our medical man on a mission hurls a poker at him rendering the creature unconscious.

Feeling like the big man after beating some underpaid extra in a poundshop Halloween suit Garondet holds Cecile in a manly embrace before handing her a cloak to cover her modesty and heading for safety as black noxious smoke billows all around them like a cut-price nightmarish version of Stars In Their Eyes.

Making their way thru' the smoke filled corridors the pair soon bump into Orloff who in a bizarre twist of fate and character development hugs his daughter tightly whilst apologizing for all the trouble he's caused.

It seems that after introducing his creature to the pleasures of the flesh that the invisible man has gone girl crazy, refusing to obey the Professor and has set the castle on fire in a fit of pique.

And it seems he did all this before trying to stick his carroty member in Cecile.

He must be shattered.

No wonder he fell over when the poker hit him.

Taking the Professors advice (but not his collection of late 70's porn magazines) Cecile and Garondet rush outside the castle, stopping only to watch it burn as they wonder how much the crew paid the owners to let them start so many fires in the windows.

Insurance job anyone?

As a visibly aroused Garondet gazes lustfully at Cecile our hero mentions that he hopes that her father's creation has been destroyed in the fire too.

As do we.

Imagine the surprise then when footprints - accompanied by cries of "OOOH OOOH!" - suddenly appear in the mud moving menacingly (well as menacingly as stop-motion footprints can - toward the toothsome twosome.

Don't get too worried tho' as the dogs from earlier are still around and it appears that they haven't been fed.

Cue 5 minutes of crash zoom canine close-ups as the hungry hounds tear the invisible man limb from limb.

Probably.

I mean you can't see him so I'm having to guess.

Tho' from the sounds coming from him it's sounds like the dogs are having sex with the hairy fella.

As the noise fades and the dogs disperse Cecile and Garondet turn back toward the castle smiling.

Created by Jess Franco for the 1962 classic The Awful Dr. Orloff (ofte noted as Spain's first 'proper' horror film tho' anyone who's seen the Super 8 footage my granddad took whilst doing his National service there may disagree, it's only proper that after playing fast and loose with other peoples creations over the years that someone would do the same with Franco's titular villain - played as ever by the freakily fantastic Howard Vernon.

Enter (not literally he's been dead since 2005 you sick fuck) Pierre Chevalier, director of the classic Good King Dagobert - as well as another 28 titles I can't be arsed listing - who manages to take all the things we love about Franco (cack -handed dubbing, excessive nudity, 70s bush and threadbare production values) throwing them into a rusty pot before stirring it with a shite-encrusted spoon and serving up something so stupefyingly silly that even Franco himself would think twice before putting his name on it.

And from the man that gave us Oasis of The Zombies that's saying something.

Fernando Sancho: Insert cock here.

The entire Orloff 'plot' (what there is of it) seems to have been put in place purely to save Vernon the indignity of signing on that week and anything remotely interesting that happens during the films scant running time is in place purely to justify the director's almost unhealthy obsession with harshly lit breasts and massive, unshaven pubic hair.

Which is nice but a wee bit distracting.

Especially in the previously mentioned - and fairly offensive it must be said (tho' not by me obviously) -  invisible monkey rape scene which forces an obviously confused Evane Hanska to wriggle about on a shit covered barn floor biting her lip, occasionally thrusting her ample breasts at the camera whilst jiggling her red raw, gravel covered arse.

At least Franco would have had bongo drums playing on the soundtrack.

"Laugh now!"

No time, no money, no mercy -  just one of these things in itself is a serious crime against cinema but if anything the most terrible thing that Chevalier did with this movie was give Paul Verhoeven the idea for Hollow Man.

And that is unforgivable.