Monday, December 31, 2018

happy hogmany!

See you all in 2019.


Friday, December 28, 2018

people you fancy but shouldn't (christmas special).

The podlings have had total control over the TeeVee remote over the festive period so forgive me for this double bill of fur-based fun....

Zootropia's Judy Hopps and Madagascar 3's Gia the jaguar.

I'm sorry.







Tuesday, December 18, 2018

and a merry christmas....

...to all you readers at home!


Friday, December 7, 2018

and the answer is.....




No.

slay ride.

A festive film favourite with the kids for you now.....

Black Christmas (AKA Silent Night, Evil Night, Stranger in the House 1974).
Dir: Bob Clark.
Cast: Olivia Hussey, Keir Dullea, Margot Kidder, John Saxon, Michael Rapport, Lynne Griffin, Marian Waldman and Andrea Martin.


If this movie doesn't make your skin crawl... It's On Too Tight! (is that even physically possible?)




Tis the season to be jolly, there's snow on the ground, love in the air, the smell of chestnuts roasting and in a sorority house at the world famous Baldpate University of Clever Clogs, many of the female students - including badgirl Barb and the virginal Jess - (a pre-mentalism Kidder and the pony faced Hussey) have been receiving a series of obscene phone calls from a strange perv nicknamed The Moaner.

You'll probably remember that's why your dad got sacked from The Samaritans.

Being a horror movie tho' no one takes his calls seriously, with a few of the saucier students (hands up Barb - tho' not literally, a couple of fingers would suffice) - actually looking forward to his nightly messages, that is until the night when Jess hears the screams and gasps of a woman in the background.

Calling her friends to listen in it's not long before Barb is threatening The Moaner with a severe buggering only to have him reply that he's going to kill her to death and with that he hangs up and the girls go about their business.

Which in this case is packing for the Christmas holidays.


Which as slasher fans will know is as good a cue as any for the bad murders to start.

"Try and shite in mah mooth now you bastard!"




And start they do when cutesy Co-ed Clare Harrison (Griffin from the brilliant Curtains which I'm sure I'd reviewed once but it seems to have been deleted which is a pity as I remember it being a lot better written than this) becomes moaners first victim, a plastic bag wrapped around her head as shes dragged to the attic and sat in a rocking chair.

Obviously the killer knows a cool poster image when he sees one.

The following morning, Clare's dad George arrives to pick up his daughter but she doesn't show up he quickly heads over to the sorority house to, if not find her then at least get a glimpse of Lois Lane's stocking tops.

Well it is Christmas.

Unfortunately the only thrill he gets is a peek at housekeeper Mrs. MacHenry's (world's shittest superhero Waldman) infeasibley large hat.

And that is worth the R rating alone if I'm honest.

Meanwhile Jess is meeting up with her neurotic musician boyfriend, Peter (2001's Dullea saddled with really crap hair) to tell him that she's pregnant and thinking about having an abortion.

Which is nice and festive.

Peter, being a 70s type of guy gets a wee bit angry and shouts at poor Jess before stomping off in a huff giving us an excuse to see what good old Mr. Harrison is up to in the search for his daughter.

Well him, Barb and Phyllis (Kim Possible voice-over actress Martin, who also appeared in the remake too don't you know) are busy at the police station try to get tough as nails cop Lieutenant Kenneth 'Horse Cock' Fuller (Saxon - nuff said) to form a search party and look for the missing girl.

John Saxon receives a call from his agent

offering him the lead in Cannibal Apocalypse.


Unfortunately he's a wee bit busy as another girl, Janis, has also vanished while walking home from school and seeing as she's much younger (and cuter) the police would rather look for her.

Which is fair enough I guess.

Barb, overly upset by her friends disappearance, gets drunk leaving Mr. Harrison, Jess,and Phyllis free to visit the local park where Janis was last seen.

Adding even more stress to the situation is the fact that Mrs. MacHenry can't seem to place her pussy and between that and packing to go to her sister's for Christmas is causing all manner of problems for the housemates.

It's great to get your priorities right isn't it?

Luckily after following a faint 'meowing' noise she finds her precious moggy in the attic, unfortunately she also finds the killer, who promptly wedges a hook in the face.

Which is nice.

Obviously on a gore-filled frenzy after seeing how great the face stabbing effect looked, it's only a matter of time before Janis' mutilated body is found, upsetting Jess to a point where she has to go home to bed.

Poor lamb.

"Hallo? French Polishers?

you might just save my life!"


As the others continue their search continues for Clare, Jess receives yet another obscene phone call and this time decides to report it to the police but as she does Peter turns up to beg her to marry him.

Jess refuses and Peter storms off in a huff just as Lieutenant Fuller arrives to bug the telephone.

As in put a recording device on it, not hassle it over unpaid bills etc.

With the movie rushing (albeit leisurely) toward its climax, Fuller pools all his resources in an attempt to stop the moaners reign of, er..moaning, unfortunately this appears to involve standing around in the street looking tough whilst holding a megaphone whilst eyeing up carol singers.

"Boiled onions!"

And it's the dulcet tones of these carol singers - who just happen to be visiting Jess' house at the time) that the mysterious killer decides to use as cover as he continues his reign of terror, firstly stabbing Barb to death with a handy statue before murdering Phyllis too.

But Fuller is hot on his trail and has managed to trace the moaners calls.

And they're coming from inside the house.

It seems that Fuller had totally forgotten that there was an extension built onto the sorority house and that the killer could happily hide there, listening to peoples conversations and phone calls.

It's like a nightmare version of Homes Under The Hammer.

Ringing the house Fuller warns Jessica to leave immediately and wait for him outside but, being a girl she gets lost on the way from the living room to the front door and heads upstairs (armed with a poker at least) instead where - surprise - she is jumped on by the killer.

Managing to escape she runs back downstairs completely missing the front door (again) and heads into the basement where she bumps into her grumpy boyfriend Peter, whom she is convinced is the killer for no other reason than he wants to marry her.

What a bastard.

And as he approaches her to talk Jessica bludgeons him to death with the poker.

Ouch.

The lights are on.




The police arrive to find her hunched over Peters body and decide that the case is closed - It's possibly their Christmas night out so understandably they want to get everything down as soon as - so you can imagine the conversation between Fuller and his men; "Aye, that Peter was a wee bit angry with his girlfriend not wanting to marry him so he must be the killer and the fact that we've found his aforementioned estranged girlfriend leaning over him holding a bloody poker means it must have been him! Right! mines a Babycham!".

Sorted.

They pack up the bodies, clean up the blood and bid their farewells to Jess, leaving her alone (in a major crime scene) to sleep off the excitement of her friends being murdered and killing her boyfriend.

But as we cut to the attic one last time we discover that there are two dead bodies that have yet to be found and as a man's voice whispers out thru' the darkness the phone begins to ring.....




Possibly the first of the modern 'slasher' cycle made famous by Halloween and Friday The 13th, the late, great Bob Clark's genre defining Black Christmas is unfortunately overlooked by all but the most rabid horror fans and Clark himself is better known for his seminal holiday classic A Christmas Story and Porky's than for this and the fantastic Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things.

Which is a shame as Black Christmas has much to offer, not just of historical interest but as a darn good frightener in its own right.

Featuring a decidedly eclectic cast—from Superman's Margot Kidder to cult stalwart John Saxon via the Star Child himself Keir Dullea as well as many shots and set ups that would become genre mainstays, Clark's movie deserves to be sought out by any self respecting film fan if only to see where the stalk and slash genre started.

As well as to have a bloody good laugh at the haircuts and trousers obviously.

It's not too late to rush out and buy it to watch on Christmas Eve, tho' make sure you don't pick up the shite 2006 remake by mistake.

Tuesday, November 27, 2018

the carpeteria cult.

For your viewing pleasure, Dale Robertson (best known for his starring roles as the roving investigator Jim Hardie in Tales of Wells Fargo and Ben Calhoun, the owner of an incomplete railroad line in The Iron Horse, fact fans) as the raspy voiced, sharp-suited sex god that was 'Carpeteria Man' in a trio of ads from the late 70s.

Warning - may contain Bri-Nylon.

And Rohypnol. 





Saturday, November 24, 2018

right said fred.




Well I couldn't really watch one without the other, especially when I got a comment reminding me how bloody good this is....


Daleks - Invasion Earth 2150 AD (1966).
Dir: Gordon Flemyng.
Peter Cushing, Bernard Cribbins, Ray Brooks, Andrew Keir, Roberta Tovey,  Jill Curzon, Godfrey Quigley, Philip Madoc, Sheila Steafel, Eileen Way and the Daleks.

"My planet's got no magnetic core!" "How do you pilot it around then?" "Bedfordshire!"


Beginning with a fabulous pre-credits teaser that would do Bond proud, the film introduces us to hapless copper Tom Campbell (the legendary Cribbins) who, whilst minding his own business patrolling the dark city streets is bonked on the head by a gang of ruthless clock thieves before stumbling into Tardis after mistaking it for a real police box.

But before you can say 'Right said Fred' he's been whizzed away into a future London by our old friends Doctor Who (Cushing) and Susan (Tovey), this time aided by sultry Louise (the raven haired Curzon from your Granddads dreams).

Obviously Barbara has been sent away to Shady Nook, her mind and body broken after their last terrifying adventure.

Well either that or Roy Castle got her up the duff.

Dirty boy.

The Doctor and co. visit sunny Govan.



Arriving in the year 2150, our heroes (and Louise) are shocked to discover that London is now a desolate wasteland of ruined buildings  with the bodies of the dead littering the streets and sinister flying saucers hovering overhead.

Who knew that Brexit would cause so much heartache?

Upon further inspection tho' Dr Who discovers that the trouble is less about gammon and more to do with his old enemies the Daleks, who have invaded Earth and ravaged the planet whilst enslaving its population.

The bastards.

In what has become a Doctor Who tradition the foursome soon split up with typically exciting results,  Susan - after a terrifying ankle sprain - and Louise quickly being abducted by a flat capped grumpy Scotsman named Wyler (the one true Quatermass, Keir) whilst Dr Who and Tom are accosted by a Dalek who appears to have been hiding in the Thames for no reason other than to scare anyone walking by.

Which is fair enough I guess.

Captured and taken aboard a Dalek spaceship situated just off Sloane Square (it seemed important at the time) the duo are locked in a cell awaiting questioning but being a clever clogs Dr. Who manages to bypass the lock and escape, unaware that the Daleks have engineered the situation to test their captives’ suitability for robotisation.

And what, pray is robotisation when it's at home?

Well it seems that the Daleks have been kidnapping the fittest men in the country and, after scary brainwashing techniques involving stand-up hairdryers, dressing them in tight PVC jumpsuits and leather boots to use as 'slaves'.

And now Dr Who is next on their list.


"I can see your house from here Peter!"


Meanwhile, Wyler has taken the girls to a secret resistance base in the London Underground, where they're introduced to the sexy, blade-wielding David (Brooks, better known as the voice of Mr Benn) and the wheelchair-bound head of resisting, Danny Dortmun (Quigley, best known as the prison chaplain in A Clockwork Orange) who as luck would have it is in the middle of planning an attack on the Dalek saucer.

Tho' why he's leaving them with the cups I've no idea.

Disguising some of the rebels as Robomen and armed with Dortun's special home-made bombs the group manage to get aboard the spaceship and soon come across Dr. Who and Tom running in the opposite direction but there's no time for 'hellos' as the Daleks mount a cunning counter-attack that sees Tom and Louise trapped in a cupboard as the spaceship lifts off and Wyler returning to the base alone much to the disappointment of Dortmun and Susan who were expecting celebratory cake.

Keeping Up with the Kardashians- The pikey years.




Leaving her grandfather a note the trio decide to head to sunny Bedfordshire where, it transpires the Daleks are digging a big hole with the idea of removing Earths magnetic core and piloting the planet around like a big spaceship.

Sounds legit.

Stealing an Asda delivery van the trio are all set for the long drive until they realise that poor Dortmun can't fit in the back because the shelves are full of frozen fish fingers but as they try to make room the Daleks appear and exterminate him (to death) leaving Wyler and Susan no choice but to drive off leaving his still warm body twitching in the street.

Just like your mom did with your dad on Christmas Day back in 1984.

But what of dear old Dr. Who? I hear you ask.

Well he and David fucked off into the sewers at the first sign of trouble and are currently making their way back to base in order to meet up with any survivors only to think "Fuck it, let's go to Bedfordshire and hang about outside the famous Bedford Girls' School or at the very least meet some of the sexy contestants up for the coveted title of Miss New Bedford!*"  instead.

So off they trot to investigate the Dalek mining operation and hopefully score some weed along the way.

Meanwhile aboard the Dalek saucer, Tom and Louise are busying themselves escaping down a toilet only to end up stranded slap bang in the middle of the mining complex (which is kinda lucky I guess) and decide - after being attacked by a roboman, to hide out in a shed and hope that everything blows over.

Who will win the 62nd Miss New Bedford pageant and will they be able to stop the evil Dalek plan!?



With all this excitement going on it's nice to catch up with Wyler and Susan, who are currently enjoying a slap up meal at a cottage belonging to a sultry young woman named Morag (TV stalwart Steafel) and her mother the pursed lipped Graham (Way, who also played an old mother in An Unearthly Child....spooky).

As they sit scoffing biscuits Susan excitedly informs Wyler about how her granddad is gonna kick the Daleks' arses as soon as he gets to the mine and desperately tries to convince him that they should head there right away in case they miss anything.

Morag, bored with Susan's nasally whining makes her excuses and leaves, saying she has her womans period only to return a few minutes later with a couple of Daleks who take Wyler and Susan off to the mine.

Sorted.

Dear old Dr. Who and David have also found their way into the mining complex thanks to a sinister black marketeer named Baz 'Nylons' Brockley (Brian Morbius' best pal  - Mandy Solon himself, Madoc) who smuggles then in under a dog blanket to be reunited with a slightly coy Tom and Louise.

Which begs the question as to what they were up to in that shed.


"Don't stick it in me....fuck Cribbins he's strawberry flavoured!"



 With the group (almost) all together again it's a race against time - and 60s fashions - to stop the Daleks before they can complete their evil, and oh so slightly bonkers, plan.....






The Daleks second foray onto the big screen 'Daleks: Invasion Earth 2150 AD' has the kinda title that gives even the most casual viewer some idea of what to expect - although the Daleks vs. the grumpy tramps might be more appropriate, feature as it does the greatest collection of flea market suits this side of an Oxfam opening.

But a change of clothes from sexy sci-fi suits to stinky cheese trousers isn't the only thing different second time around as the bright colours, comic book thrills and fun feel of the first movie have given way to an altogether more gritty film, a sort of junior 'Escape from New York' with Bernard Cribbins in the Kurt Russell role and Peter Cushing essaying Lee Van Cleef.

Albeit at one point with them both wearing black, wet-look PVC.

Which is actually a lot sexier than it sounds.

"I love you....could it be magic?"


And for what is essentially a kid-friendly excuse to sell Dalek toys the movie isn't half bad and looks gorgeous, boasting  some genuinely great effects including a fabulously designed Dalek Spaceship flying menacingly over a devastated London and some super forced perspective sets, especially those at the saucers landing area.

The battle scenes between the survivors and the Daleks are well choreographed and visually exciting and the whole movie has a kind of 'epic' quality to it, only marred by some misplaced hi-jinx forced on Cribbins because that's what Roy Castle did first time around.

And whilst the comedy in the first movie is quite sweetly done, here it seems to jar against the overall seriousness of the plot, especially the Roboman meal scene, which cheapens the otherwise genuinely chilling concept behind these Dalek slaves.

A scene late on in the film, where one of the workers tries to reason with his robotised brother before being cruelly murdered by him, has its impact slightly lessened by the earlier antics of Bernard Cribbins scoffing dolly mixtures with his funny robot pals to a samba beat.

But fuck it the rest of the movie is perfect so who cares?

Not the rest of the cast that's for sure, of which none of them are anything other than brilliant (yes even Bernard Spear's cameo as the gurning man who falls over before winking to camera is great) especially Andrew Keir's grumpy - and slightly scary - Scotsman Wyler, Ray Brook's 'boy with the knack' and Philip Madoc's badboy Brockley, who in one of the movies best scenes meets his grisly demise in a garden shed blown to pieces by around twenty Daleks.

Yes, the film could afford that many, not just the three (including the shite one with no-one in it) that the BBC could only ever afford.


Davros farted - and it was an eggy one.



Unfortunately although 'Daleks: Invasion Earth 2150 AD' was by far the more accomplished film of the pair, it scarily made less money than its predecessor curtailed any plans Subotsky had for further big screen Doctor Who adventures, which is sad really, as judging by his efforts here, the results could have only got better and better.

And quite possibly sexier as they continued, Planet of The Vampires and Barbarella I'm looking at you.....I mean, imagine Mario Bave directing a big screen  adaptation of The Chase?

My I need a lie down now.

It's a pity then that 'serious' Doctor Who fans (sorry, enthusiasts) see these movies as either embarrassing relatives of the series, or seldom mentioned curio's, when in fact these two sixties feature films offer a wealth of enjoyment to be had that at times eclipse the series that spawned them.

And not just because I quite fancied Roberta Tovey when I was 9.


Jill Curzon - Dalektable (sorry).


Bloody hell I just realised I did two whole reviews in a semi-serious manner.

Gonna have to fix that.





































*Which if they'd bothered to check a map would have realised is actually held in New Bedford in Bristol County, Massachusetts, United States and not the other one.

As of the 2010 census, the city had a total population of 95,072, making it the sixth-largest city in Massachusetts.

New Bedford is nicknamed "The Whaling City" because during the 19th century, the city was one of the most important whaling ports in the world plus it has a lot of very fat residents.

The city, along with Fall River and Taunton, make up the three largest cities in the South Coast region of Massachusetts.

If you ever find yourself there and feel a wee bit peckish can I recommend  The Green Bean located on 740 Purchase St,which has a top selection of
Vegan donuts, vegetarian wraps & locally roasted coffee all served in a charming cafe with live music.

Friday, November 23, 2018

skaro a go-go!

It's Doctor Who's birthday today and what better way to celebrate than with this?*

Dr. Who And The Daleks (1965)
Dir: Gordon Flemyng.
Cast: Peter Cushing, Roy Castle, Jennie Linden, Roberta Tovey, Barrie Ingham and The Daleks.


"In electro-connective theory, space expands to accommodate the time necessary to incorporate its dimensions." - Brexit in a nutshell.


Dotty old eccentric inventor Dr. Terry Who (Genre God Cushing) along with his granddaughters - the precocious Susan (Tovey, daughter of Russell) and the fright-haired Barbara (the totally terrifying yet equally tempting Linden) are enjoying a quiet evening in whilst awaiting the arrival of Barbara's new boyfriend Ian (Castle - who needs no introduction) who has tickets for the theatre, a box of chocolates and the keys to his dads shed in the hope he may see some action this evening.

Tho' judging by the tightness of Barbara's Capri-pants there's enough action on show already.

Happy that Barbara is actually interested in men and not one of those Lesbosians he's read about in his medical journals Dr. Who, upon Ian's arrival  excitedly invites him into the garden to see his latest invention - a time and space machine called Tardis that he's build inside a police telephone box that he stole from the set of the 1962 Richard Lester directed Helen Shapiro starrer It's Trad, Dad!

Unable to resist a poke in a mysterious box Ian gingerly follows Dr. Who and his family into the garden and into (the) Tardis.

"And this Susan is all the fucks I give!"



With this being the pre-sexy, fairly staid bit of the 60s, Ian gets a wee bit overexcited with the amount of shiny knobs on show inside the machine and accidently tries to insert one of them up his arse causing Tardis to fly off to fuck knows where as the intrepid travelers are overcome by the smell of stale onions.

Slowly coming to Dr. Who is intrigued to see where they are, unlike Ian and Barbara who are nervously looking at their watches wondering if they'll have time for a quick drink before the show starts, so it's left to Susan to decide what to do.

Being one of those swatty types she elects to have a wee scout around before they head home.

Well you can't really blame her seeing as her sister has paired off and the smell of humbugs has probably put her off kissing her granddad.

Again.

So they all decide to leave the relative safety of the ship and furtively open the doors to see where they are.

Which - if I'm honest - is in a really quite impressive and moodily lit petrified alien jungle set complete with wacky TV-21 style mummified monsters and a mysterious (model) city way off in the distance.

Seriously the design puts Alien to shame.

Or at least Shocking Dark.

Plus it has something that neither of those classics have, namely Roy Castle at the height of his comedic powers falling over plastic dinosaurs whilst whistling.

Genius.

"We've come on holiday by mistake!"



And if that wasn't enough - and it is - someone - or something - has left a handy container of drugs outside Tardis door so they can chill out (or go 'mad for it' I'm never too sure what the kids say) and relax under the psychedelic sky whilst listening to Bob Marley like my neighbours are want to do during the summer.

Or something.

Unfortunately Dr. Who is a bit of a square and locks the drugs in the Tardis bathroom cabinet before anyone can try them.

Realising that his chances of getting a shag from Barbara (or even Susan) is diminishing by the minute Ian suggests that they all go home, much to Dr. Who's chagrin, so being a sneaky old bugger, old man Who pretends that the ship has a leaky fluid link that can only be fixed by injecting heroin into his eyeball.

Or is that with mercury?

You can see why I got kicked out of medical school can't you?

Anyway to this end Dr. Who suggests that they travel to the city to see if they can find any.

But as they begin the journey Susan has a feeling that they're being watched.

Well I should hope so or the box office will be awful.



Peter Cushing attempts to put 45 candles up Roy Castle's arse....is this a record?


Quickly arriving at the city (well it is a small set) and after a few more moments of comedy gold from Castle - this time involving an automatic door - the group are captured by the evil Daleks, strange outer space robot people from BBC TVs Doctor Who and the vastly superior TV 21 comic series who've been hiding behind the (glittery) curtains giggling to themselves as the y watch Who and co. stumble about.

Seizing - well suckering - the fluid link from Dr. Who's (big swapping) pocket the Daleks pop everyone in a prison cell and feed the Play-Doh thru' a gap under the door.

Evil bastards.

As they sit contemplating a way to escape our intrepid heroes (and Ian) begin to feel a wee bit unwell, soon realising that the entire planet is soaked in deadly radiation (and bean juice) and that the drugs they found outside Tardis must have been left by a nice person in order to stop them dying.

Maybe leaving a note alongside the box would have been a good idea then?

Just saying.


"Laugh now!"



It's not all fun and games for the poor Daleks tho' as it seems that the reason that they all trundle around in their groovy metal casings is due to the radiation outside too and that they're so scared of it causing their skirt-balls to fall off that they dare not go outside.

A bit like you Dad after your Mum left him.

Only replace fear of radiation with because he fucked the babysitter.

Twice.

And in your bed too.

Anyway whilst overhearing Dr Who and his chums (and Ian) discussing the drugs, the Daleks formulate a cunning plan to persuade folk to leave the European Union by blaming 'the foreigners' for everything, promising 60 sqillion pounds to the NHS and a free Union Jack for every pensioner but quickly realising that absolutely no-one with half a braincell would fall for this the formulate a second less whacked-out plan that involves sending Susan back thru' the pertrified jungle to fetch the drugs so they wont die.

Oh and the Daleks promise not to steal them for themselves.

Seeing no reason not to trust their captives Susan heads back out into the unknown.

Which if I'm honest is slightly less unknown than it was the first time around.


"I never done it!" - And neither did your dad.


Reaching Tardis without anything bad actually happening, Susan quickly collects the drugs but just as she's about to begin the journey back - which if I'm honest seems quicker than popping to the local shops so I've no idea what the problem was, girls eh? - out from behind a convenient tree (which actually sounds like a really shit sequel to that 2006 American documentary directed by Davis Guggenheim) pops Jeff Alydon - a scary alien resplendent in a blonde Beatles wig, Chelsea boots, a nipple revealing suede vest and blue eye shadow.

Which I have to say looks in no way at all camp.

Kudos to Barrie Ingham for actually pulling it off, I mean it's as if Ziggy Stardust and Quentin Crisp had been melded in a hideous genetic experiment run by the kids from Village of the Damned.

Think Ru-Paul cosplaying Mr Spock and you're about a third of the way there.

"Do you require any scissors sharpening?


Anyway it turns out that Alydon is the leader of the Thals, who are the other folk that live on the planet and it seems that they once engaged in a massive atomic war with the Daleks that resulted in the whole place becoming radioactive.

Which is nice.

Explaining the situation with her friends Alydon helpfully gives her a second box of drugs and sends her on her way.

Which is a wee bit far-fetched seeing as the last time I popped out from behind a tree dressed as a woman and gave a pre-teen girl drugs I got arrested.

Ah it was a much more innocent time back then.

Ask Mary Bell.

Susan returns to the Dalek city where the cunning creatures snatch the drugs to keep for themselves but decide to let Susan keep the second lot for her friends, partly because they appreciated a bit of cunning but mainly so they can watch how they affect the humans.

I reckon they just want to see if Barbara gets naked and dances.

Tho' they could save themselves the trouble and just watch Ken Russell's Women in Love if they want to see that.

But thinking about it that may be a bit difficult seeing as it hadn't been made yet.

As Dr. Who and his friends busy themselves getting shit-faced on alien amphetamines Susan helpfully fills in some much needed backstory by explaining that, according to Alydon, the Thal's crops have failed and they have journeyed to the Dalek city in the hope of trading the anti-radiation drug formula - or their pert arses - for food.

Still listening in on the conversation and realising that there probably isn't going to be any hot sex action from the cell, the Daleks decide that it'd be funny if they invited the Thals to dinner, killed them then just took the drugs from the Thals still warm corpses and to this end they get Susan to write a letter -  saying that they will leave a massive bag of egg and cress sandwiches and fizzy pop just by the garden shed - which they will Blu-Tak to the front door in the hope that the Thals will see it.

But when Susan finishes the letter, the Daleks reveal that tit's all a joke and that they're going to kill everyone.

To death.

Yazoo have let themselves go.


Being upstanding nice folk our heroes decide to escape and warn the Thals so after violently beating the Dalek that delivers their food before smothering him in a bin bag and leaving him lying bleeding in the corner (and these are meant to be the good guys) the group head towards the city entrance just in time to give the Thals the heads up and escape with them into the jungle.

 Meanwhile the Daleks are busy snorting away on the anti-radiation drug but are fairly upset to find that rather than help them chillax it actually causes their arses to implode so in an act of retaliation they decide to detonate yet another neutron bomb to increase the planet’s radiation and kill all the Thals.

Because reasons.

Back at the Thal camp, Dr. Who is all set to just fuck off and leave everyone to die but soon realises that he's left the fluid link in the Dalek city and will need the Thals help to recover it, but the Thals being boring pacifists refuse to fight.

To show them that violence is always better than peace Dr. Who tells Ian to touch Alydon's girlfriend's bottom, enraging the Thal who jumps on Ian and tries to punch him.

Realising that they can fight for things they care about, Alydon and Dr. Who  lead the Thals in an attack on the city, but unfortunately the Daleks repel the assault with almost no effort and Dr. Who and Susan are recaptured.

"Are you the farmer?"


Meanwhile Ian, Barbara and a small group of Thals manage to sneak into the Dalek city by smashing in their back door and, once inside they join the rest of the Thals, to mount a frontal assault (but not alas a small boy) on the Daleks and rescue Dr. Who and Susan but as the Thals and humans enter the control room, they discover that the Daleks have already begun the countdown to the bomb detonation....






For many of us of a certain - old - age, the 60s Dalek movies were our first encounter with Doctor Who's past outside our dog-eared Target novelisations and well thumbed Monster Book, hence this was how we imagined all sixties Doctor Who looked and sounded.

So you understand, then, why we were a wee bit disappointed when we finally got to see 'The Dead Planet' on it's original video release but why we all adore 'The Krotons'.

And re-watching them today it's hard not to be won over by their charm cos frankly they're brilliant.

Peter Cushing, as the eccentric old - human - Dr. Who plays the part as a mischievous schoolboy trapped in an old mans body (stop sniggering at the back) and from the opening shot of him enjoying Dan Dare's adventures in The Eagle to his genuine excitement at the thought of exploring the mysterious city, Cushing's Doctor Who is a joy to behold.

As for the rest of the human cast…Jennie Linden's Barbara is all scary hair, tight tops and pointed bra's, a kind of low rent Lulu either frowning sweatily at Peter Cushing or fawning sweatily over the bumbling comedy genius that is Roy Castle's Ian Chesterton but Roberta Tovey's Susie is just bloody scary, less an unearthly child more of an ungodly one.

Imagine Adric in a tartan pinny and ankle socks and you're half way there.

Tho' probably not half as aroused as I am by that thought.

"Put it in me!"


None of that is really important, tho', as we're really here to see the Daleks….bigger, better and considerably brighter than ever before (or since).

From their first appearance skulking in the corridors of their city, to their exciting demise, the metal meanies have never looked better, as if they'd stepped directly from the pages of the aforementioned TV21 comic.

The whole production screams 'BIG!, even the police box shell looks bigger than normal - it's a pity, tho' that they decided to film the TARDIS interiors inside Albert Steptoe's shed.

The Skaro sets have a genuine other-worldly feel and as for the city interiors, Jennie Linden recalls that this was 'the first and largest set completely built from plastic'… think about this, a giant primary coloured, transparent plastic Dalek city, complete with lava lamps and big black and white TV screens populated by giant primary coloured, shiny Daleks…genius does not begin to describe this artistic triumph.

The one big mistake by the Academy Award panel was that this film wasn't even nominated in 1965, if it had been it would have swept the board.

Damn you The Sound of Music, obviously the wrong Nazi-inspired movie won.


Jeremy Beadle: The Return.


But what of the plot?

Adapted from the Terry Nation original, but with all the boring bits cut out, by David Whitaker and the legendary Milton Subotsky, it hurtles along at a cracking pace, pausing only to showcase a few quality comedy turns from Mr. Castle. These include such delights as 'Ian sits on a box of chocolates', 'Ian can't get in a door' and mine (and many other fan's) favourite, 'Ian is attacked by giant projected Roman soldiers whilst whistling'.

Fans of Roy Castle's portrayal of Ian may also want to check out the Amicus classic 'Dr. Terror's House of Horrors', as well as also being produced by Subotsky, it re-teams him with Peter Cushing and also features star turns from Christopher Lee, Kenny Lynch, once mooted big screen Doctor Donald Sutherland and Alan 'Fluff' Freeman.

Looking back I'm surprised I've never reviewed it as it's fucking brilliant.

Cinematic gold.












































*Tho' let's be honest if you're reading this blog then maybe this would be better suited to your taste.

Thursday, November 22, 2018

people you fancy but shouldn't (part 82).

Janet - the source of all information and knowledge for humans within The Good Place as portrayed by D'Arcy Carden.








Sunday, November 4, 2018

typical....

Go all the way to Manchester to buy antiques only to find that George was away at his cottage for the weekend....


Wednesday, October 31, 2018

danse macabre.

It's time to share the Suitcase Halloween mixes again...Almost 4 hours of terrifying tunes, sinister samples and killer beats. 

Enjoy.


 Download volume one here.







Download volume two here.


bad dad gas.

It's the last day of 31 Days of Horror and I'm feeling very refreshed.

Not only because the final movie is a corker but because someone said something nice about the blog on Twitter t'other week:


This must be what being popular feels like.

Anyway on with the movie.

Well on with the review, I mean I watched the movie last night.

Tho' I could probably put it on again.

Yes it's that good.
 


Demon Wind (1990).
Dir: Charles Philip Moore.
Cast:: Eric Larsonn, Francine Lapensee, Bobby Johnston, Lynn Clark, Mark David Fritsche, Sherry Bendorf, Jack Vogel, Stephen Quadros, Richard Gabai, Mia Ruiz, C.D.J. Koko, Rufus Norris and Sandra Margot.

“And now my pig, you die!”



Welcome to 1930s backwoods, USA, where burned and crucified bodies and market stall prints of Jesus (or is it Ewan McGregor?) litter the grounds - and walls - of the tiny farmhouse home of the God-fearing (and ferret toothed) Regina Carter who, alongside her long-suffering husband George is busy lighting candles in an attempt to stop evil demons entering her house.

Tho' probably not her lady garden as from the look of her that's already been the site of a good few hauntings.

As the camera pans across old family photographs and more cheap religious tat the sounds of spooky voices fill the air as Regina stands steadfast against the front door as if trying to stop some unknown - and unseen - force from entering.

George on the other hand is just standing in the background like a huge cardboard cock.

Albeit one that's dribbling vegetable soup whilst growling.

Turning to face her by now soup covered and Chip-Stick fanged hubbie Regina quickly grabs a poundshop snowglobe and threatens to break it, announcing that if she does it will be the end of them both.

As you do.

Unconcerned by the threat of ornament breakage George lunges at his wife and she drops the globe which shatters into a pool of blood and causes the house to explode.

Which was a wee bit unexpected I'll admit.

That ain't no fella.....it's Jesus!


With a quick cut and a title card that says 'PRESENT' (which I am) we're in the modern day times where the tiny-eyed teen - yeah right - Cory (Larson whom you may remember from his top turn as the Internal Affairs Guy from the episode of Angel 'Reprise') and his girlfriend Elaine (Producer/Director/Actor Lapensee) are uncomfortably driving along a very empty dirt track on their way to visit his grandparents' farm.

It seems that poor Cory had a strange childhood, estranged from his father his only link to the past is the aforementioned farmhouse and the tales of the strange goings on that happened there.

As if some strange foreboding of things to come an inbred, snub-nosed ginger child stands silently on a hill pointing a stick at them.

I bet his girlfriend is so looking forward to this weekend trip, I mean I'm depressed just writing about it.


Local.


With the conversation as stilted as the pairs acting ability there's blessed relief when they stop at 'crazy' Barry Harcourt's (Olivier winning theatre director Norris - no really) gas station and cafe for directions, a quick snack and an excuse for Elaine to flash her love heart pants at Cory, much to the chagrin of the owner who berates them before giving an airing to the age old "Keep away from the farm or you'll be doomed!" speech so well loved in 80s horror epics.

Cory, ignoring the warnings, tells Elaine that he's adamant that he's been here before in a strange dream where he's naked apart from a thermos flask to cover his dignity and just to prove it's so the director lovingly shows us this very dream.

Which if nothing else goes to show how pert Cory's arse is.

Honestly he could crack walnuts between those buttocks.

Unfortunately we don't get to see them in action as the dream suddenly ends with the appearance of Cory's blood soaked (as opposed to gin soaked) grannie.

All this bizarro shite is soon is cut short tho' when more of Cory's entourage arrive at the gas station, there's the buff stud muffin and wannabe wife beater Dell (Erotic Confessions star Johnston), his yumsome, red-tighted girlfriend Terri (Santa Barbara's Clark) and the frighteningly horse faced Bonnie (Hollywood stunt royalty Bendorf) alongside the bespectacled Jack (Fritsche) as well as the council estate Michael Biehn Stacy (Vogel) alongside amateur magician cum fulltime spunkbucket Chuck (ex drummer with rock gods Snow and almost KISS percussionist Quadros) who - in one of the greatest moments in cinema - arrives on the scene decked in a cape and bowtie whilst performing magic tricks from the front seat of a convertible as The Ride of the Valkyries blares over the car stereo before getting down to threatening Dell with his sexy Kung Fu moves.

No really.


Kick, punch it's all in the mind.



As the group grab a drink Cory decides to get everyone (including us) up to speed with regards to his dear old dad who, it turns out was born a mere four days before the farm house exploded  and how, shortly after Cory was born, he returned there and was never heard from again until that is Cory caught up with him a few weeks back.

Oh yes and it turns out that within hours of catching up with his son that the poor old sod slashed his wrists and died.

Which is a bit excessive really, I mean mine just ignores me.

Surprisingly the entire group react not with fear or concern but mild disinterest and with that they all head to their cars eager to get to the farm house and the promise of a feast of egg sandwiches and cans of pop.

When the gang finally arrive at the farm you can see that they're oh so slightly disappointed by what they find as it consists of a smashed wall, some bricks piled in a corner and a three walled barn.

Yup, it's gonna be a cold night.

As a plus point tho' there is the burnt remains of the skeleton crucified to a tree by the gate which probably counts as a selling feature.

Trying to make the best of a bad - alright utterly shite - situation the group start to unload their cars but in the excitement Bonnie manages to trip over her massive chin and lands face to, um, skull with a skeleton poking out of the grass and as Cory goes to help her up our hero accidentally touches it causing a threadbare explosion of felt pen-based rotoscoping of the kind not since you used to add laser effects to your super 8 movies with a pin.

But if that wasn't enough to caused you to fill your trousers with fright then the fact that this causes Cory to experience hallucinatory images of his dad/uncle/cousin (I don't care) getting attacked by a loud noise should make you at least check for leakage.

Dollar have let themselves go.




Dell searching around in the bushes for something to abuse comes across - not in that way tho' I'd not be surprised if he did seeing as his entire character is a literal #metoo meme -  a rusty old lantern and quickly surmises that a bad man started a fire and killed everyone tho' Cory isn't convinced and proceeds to walk around the desolated ruin for no reason other than to freak out the audience when he stands in the doorway facing his pals who it turns out can't see him.

Scarily all they see is a rustically furnished and non-trashed farmhouse.

Yet no-one and I do mean no-one thinks this is at all odd.

Cory walks all the way back to his friends and they all head inside.

Yup, into a farm house which they have just seen exists in two separate dimensions.

A farm house that exists in two separate dimensions and has glowing, laser firing skulls buried outside.

And a crucified corpse as a garden ornament.

And not one of them thinks this is in any way odd.

There's even scary Sumerian style text scrawled on the walls Ala Evil Dead.

Seriously I've never wished death on anyone as much as I have on Cory and his pals.

Yes they're that stupid.

But kinda lovable too.

Weird science!





Bonnie, having the biggest face and therefore being the most able to read the mystic runes from a distance begins to recite the words out loud causing the fireplace to burst into flames (well it is a fireplace I guess) and the entire contents of the house to start flying around as crockery and the like usually don't.

As the stench of an entire group of teens shitting themselves fills the air everyone legs it out of the Farmhouse before Chuck and Stacy head back in after retrieving guns from their car.

No doubt Chuck turned a couple of rabbits into the firearms as magicians usually do in times of stress.

This guy puts Paul Daniels to shame.

Voting to turn around and go home (a wise idea if not a very cinematic one) Cory desperately tries to persuade them to stay saying that it was just the (demon) wind when suddenly, as if right on cue, the crucified skeletons falls to the ground.

With this the entire group hurry back to their cars but - surprise surprise - none of them will start.

Bonnie, hungry for sugar lumps, begins to panic and grabs her (saddle) bags before quickly walking in the direction of the gas station.

As her friends begin to follow a mysterious howling wind picks up and a spooky fog appears from nowhere.

I say nowhere but I'm assuming it's from a smoke machine placed just out of shot.

As the fog disappears the group realise that they've been transported right back to outside the house.

But this time they're not alone as three creepy wee girls cosplaying Laura Ingalls have appeared from nowhere to hurl abuse at our freaked out friends.

Dell, being a caring guy almost immediately tries to punch one of them but is cast aside like a rag doll which causes poor Bonnie to get even more upset and attempt to gallop away.

One of the girls makes a grab for Bonnie and in a flash of felt pen animation turns her into a doll.

Not a doll that looks anything like her obviously just a common or garden cheap toy shop doll that has a vague approximation of her outfit on.

As in it's the same colour.

Sort of.

No idea why they didn't just use a Barbie horse tho' as that'd been a perfect match.


"Me? stay in a haunted house? Neigh chance!"





The director has one more cruel twist of fate for Bonnie tho' as after it utters a few scary words it bursts into flames.

The friends just look at each other and shrug before heading back into the house to bed down for the night because, as Cory so eloquently puts it, it'll probably be safer than sleeping in their cars.

Yup if I have the choice between sleeping in a locked car or in a haunted house that phases between two different dimensions I know which I'd choose.

Occupying themselves by cleaning the place up before teatime the group of friends are understandably upset when just as Stacy places the last doily on the sofa arm another demon wind blows thru' the house and messes it up again.

Cory however doesn't seem to notice as he's way too busy following a ghostly vision of his grandmother down into the basement where she leads him to her handy spellbook and a couple of demon killing daggers.

Which is nice seeing as all my gran ever gave me was a feeling of shame and the fact that I was considered an abomination and a mistake by everyone.

Including the local vicar and most of the nearby women's institute.

Anyway, enough of my dark secrets as there are plenty on screen to go around as Cory is keen to share as he reads from his Nan's book.

It seems that years back his family chased a preacher named Barry 'Beast' Enders out of the area after he began worshiping Satan and converting a load of local farmers.

And with this stunning revelation the group settle for bed leaving the gun-toting
magicians Chuck and Stacy on guard.

Well they do have magical powers.

And guns obviously.

As the night (and the movie) drags on the pair notice a voice calling to them from the fog and as they peer ever closer to the window a ghostly blonde bird (former 'adult' movie star and current reality TV starring bail-bonds woman Margot) appears, wearing what looks like your Mum's best underwear and calling their names as she pens her -smashing - blouse revealing her breasts.

Which is a blessed relief as it takes your attention away from her harsh face.

As she fades back into the fog I'm surprised to say that the pair actually realise it's a trick but decide to go out anyway and shoot some stuff.


"Boiled onions!"

As they search thru' the fog for the floaty old lady a shambling group of zombie demons appear on the horizon and our trick-performing twosome start blasting away in between Chuck karate kicking the undead horde in the face.

The tide of battle soon turns against the two friends tho' and Chuck can only look on in mild apathy as Stacy is cut down by the demons leaving Chuck no choice but to run back to the house and - rather than just quickly go inside and shut the door - hang around till the topless woman kills him.

As his dying screams - and not I repeat not the sound of multiple gunshots - finally wake everyone up
he surviving group rush to the windows to take a peek outside and see their friends dead bodies, giving Terri the chance to deliver the greatest onscreen NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! since James Earl Jones in Revenge of The Sith.

As the sun rises our merry band are excited to hear a car in the distance, it seems that Cory's pals, the dangly earinged Willy (Assault of the Party Nerds 2: The Heavy Petting Detective star cum latter day producer and director Gaba)
and his girlfriend Reena (Ruiz whom you may remember as Mr. Reindeer's Resident Valet #1 in Wild At Heart and as the saucy Michelle in Witchcraft II: The Temptress - no? Suit yourselves) have turned up to join in the fun.

As the group run towards the car Cory frantically yells for them to keep the engine running in the hope that they can all pile in and escape but Willy unable to hear them over not just the noise of the engine but also over his awesomeness turns it off and shouts "What?" really loudly.


The Take That reunion tour got off to a shaky start...



Realising that they're all basically fucked the pals head back to the farm and begin boarding up the windows - which if you remember don't exist from the outside - and fashioning weapons to defend themselves using leftover pots and pans.

Well it keeps them busy.

Dell and Terri on the other hand have decided to make a run for it and grabbing a blanket for the journey head out into the unknown where they soon die.

No loss there then.

As the friends beaver away at the windows Jack notices that the barn has mysteriously rebuilt itself and in a bizarre leap of logic decides that the evil must be hiding in there so they all head over to investigate.

Disappointingly as barns go this one seems pretty ordinary - except for the runes daubed in blood on the walls and the crucified human skeleton with a bulls skull for a head obviously - so the friends continue to poke around.

All except Reena that is who slowly approaches the skeleton, transfixed by its strange beauty.

Well that's what she says.

Personally I reckon she just wants to know if he's in proportion.

As she gets nearer a massive tongue lashes out of the skull and wraps itself around her neck, dragging her ever nearer before biting her head off.

Which is nice.

"Is it in yet?"


Cory and co. turn to leave but find their exit blocked by their magician mates who are now possessed by demons, Jack, coming over all Rowdy Roddy Piper (not literally mind) threatens to shoot the pair but is politely informed that guns wont work in the house of the Devil.

Or even his barn possibly.

After punching Willy in the face the pair attempt to attack Elaine, which is when Cory remembers that he has a couple of demon destroying daggers. He waves them at his former friends till they run away giving everyone a chance to return to the farmhouse.

Except Willie that is, they left him lying unconscious in the barn.

Friends eh?

As they turn back and get him, Reena appears carrying his severed head like a novelty handbag and Cory realising that the films running time is rapidly coming to an end decides to get all proactive, stabbing her with a dagger and causing her - and it - to explode in a shower of cartoon light.

Everyone - well everyone who's left - piles into the farmhouse as the demon hordes stumble out of the barn toward them.

But as the undead army gets closer a strange ray of light emanates from the farmhouse causing them to burst into flames.

Yup it appears dear old grannie installed a demon repellent ray in the roof.

Pity she never felt need to mention it earlier.

Or at all.

As the mysterious magical forcefield begins to fade the demons roughly enter the house and as an undead Terri bites Jack and Bonnie gallops over a hill to beg for death all seems lost but as the Devil himself prepares to make an entrance it appears that there's more to Cory than first appears.

Could he really be some superhero-style Satan smasher in disguise?




Most famous for being one of the first movies released on VHS to have a lenticular cover - glad to see they spent the money in the right place - Demon Wind is what would happen if you showed The Evil Dead to a sugared-up 12 year old with ADHD then got him to rewrite the script from memory.

Yes it's that good.

Writer/director Charles Philip Moore (he who gave us the classic 1994 'erotic' thriller Angel of Destruction as well as the Don ‘The Dragon’ Wilson hit Blackbelt) throws caution - and budgetary constraints - to the (demon) wind to bring us a tale that's as mesmerizing as it is ludicrous - mad, at times painfully bad and - if not dangerous - then at least slightly dippy to know.

From it's bizarro nude dream sequences to it's Rentaghost style (not so) special effects and vegetable soup spewing demons via fright masked fight scenes and random scary children pointing sticks at nothing in particular, Demon Wind at once encapsulates both the very best and the arse clenching worst of late 80s American horror cinema.

Oh and did I mention it features magic tricks?

Soup in mah mooth.



Those less forgiving may accuse the whole sorry affair of being a wee bit shite, well if that's at all true then at least it's bloody enjoyable shite, cramming more into its running time than most other movies of its ilk combined and if that means there's less time to worry about little things like logic and basic storytelling tropes then who am I to argue?

Really, there's not much you can say about Demon Wind other than you need to experience it for yourself.

Sheer lo-fi horror genius.