warlock homes.

Bizarrely getting ready for a weekend of quality horror films by watching a few quality horror films.

 I really have no social life do I?

Anyway today's story opens in an - amateurishly lit - school corridor with sound recording that appears to have been done in - and on - an eggbox where an unnamed girl (Zerrienis...bless you) is wandering around in a tiny skirt whilst clutching the worlds brightest candle before being brutally slain by a weirdy beardy with an axe.


And cue spooky music cos it's time for.....


Warlock Moon (1973).
Dir: William Herbert.
Cast:  Laurie Walters, Joe Spano, Edna MacAfee, Harry Bauer, Joan Zerrien, Charles Raino, Ray K. Goman, Steve Solinsky and Richard Vielle.

"It's an old family recipe. I call it hunter's stew. It'd spoil all the fun if I told you how I made it."

Cutesy college student Jenny Macallister (The 'Slim, pretty, and appealing' Walters - well that's how IMDB describes her - who once appeared in a bathtub with Don Johnson in “The Harrad Experiment”, they were both naked fact fans) is wandering the campus minding her own business after spending a busy morning studying deviance's such as homosexuality and cannibalism when she's approached by an bowl-haircutted wannabe newshound wearing a creepy mask and a flasher mac named John (Spano from top TV tec trailblazer Hill Street Blues looking for all the world like John Amplas with a Greggs fetish).

By the way I mean he's named John, not the coat.

Following her around campus - in a totally non-freaky way obviously - whilst regaling her with amusing jokes in a variety of comedy accents is enough to wear her down enough to accept a picnic date with him and the pair are soon driving off thru' the countryside ready for a slap up feast of egg sandwiches, fizzy pop and pickled onion Monster Munch.

He's a smooth operator and no mistaking.

"Do you wanna come sit in me motor so I can bite you?"

After a lovely afternoon snacking n' chatting and being stuffed to the gills and drunk on fun the pair decide to call it a day and head home but a wrong turn leads them to an eerie old rundown spa.

As in a health club cum holiday camp, not the supermarket.

Which is actually spelled differently.

Anyway being a horror movie they decide to explore it.

As they wander thru' the dilapidated buildings they soon come across (in a non-sexual way obviously) an old woman by the name of Agnes Abercrombi (creator of that anti-virus software and star of Dirty Mary Crazy Larry, MacAfee) who still lives in the abandoned spa.

Sounds legit.

Not you.

 

Being a total and utter not at all sinister old lady, she invites the young couple to stay for tea and biscuits but as soon as Jenny takes a sip she begins to feel unwell and has to lie down, leaving John and Agnes to take the tour of the building alone whilst the poor girl lounges on the sofa, grabbing her tummy and farting.

Which if I'm honest sounds like a normal night in.

As the pair rummage around in the old ladies rooms Jenny amuses herself by cheekily rifling thru' Agnes' drawers where she discovers a shed load - well drawer load - of medical paraphernalia including syringes and vials of 'special' medicine.

Which is nice.

As she continues raking thru' a strangers possessions (and a stranger that's been dead nice to her seeing as she was caught wandering around her house, how's that for grateful?) Jenny is suddenly shocked - well as suddenly shocked as a very thin person can be -  to see the ghostly apparition of a woman in a wedding dress float passed the window below.

"Would you like to put it in me?"

Say what you want about the overall quality of this movie (yup, it's crap) but they're not skimping on the plot points.

Despite all the weirdness going down, John manages to persuade her to return the next week as his editor thinks an interview with dear old Agnes might be of some enjoyment to the readers.

Or at the very least some - tasteful - snatch shots.

Say what you want about John's fright-fright and piggy eyes, his persuasive pulling powers are second to none so I reckon he could convince her.
 
Arriving before him (hey he let the lady come first, what a guy) Jenny decides to go and find Agnes but is surprised that there's no sign old woman or of any of her belongings.

Even the faint smell of piss and gin has gone.

Suddenly an old man with a shotgun pops out from behind a tree and introduces himself, he's local postman cum part-time hunter Bernard Sexington (Bauer, I can't be arsed checking if he was in owt else sorry) who - in a stunning infodump -  informs Jenny that the resort was closed down in the 1930s in tragic circumstances.

It seems that the owners had decided to host a ball for their newly married daughter but she went missing just before the party.

Presuming that she was away having 'the sex; with her new hubbie the guests started the party without her and proceeded to enjoy the slap up nosh served by the (female) chef.

It was only much later (well around the cheese board) that everyone realised that the chef was in fact a mentalist who had killed the bride and used her body as part of the main course.

Obviously they didn't eat her whole as they spat that bit out.

I thank you.

Noticing how upset the story makes Jenny he decides to tell her it's all bollocks, bids his farewells and leaves.

Only to be killed by a mad axeman a few minutes later safe in the knowledge that his job of filling in the backstory of the spa is done.

"Blood in mah mooth!"

 Jenny misses all of this tho' as she's finally found John and Agnes who has reappeared alongside all her stuff.

 Confused by this and after John convinces her that she's imagining things Jenny meekly sits down for a cup of Mrs. Abercrombi's tea,  only to start feeling a wee bit woozy again almost immediately after.

Hmmmmm.

As John and Agnes retire to the garden to conduct the interview Jenny suddenly hears the spooky voice of the ghostly bride calling to her, she follows and is led  to a room with a creepy sacrificial altar laid out in its centre.

You know, just like the one in your Auntie Jean's basement.

That's not all tho' for as she's examining it closer who should appear but the scary bearded bloke form earlier, swinging his mighty chopper around with gay abandon as he tries to stick it in poor Jenny.

Much chasing ensues and what sounds like the noise of a tortured cat is played on the soundtrack before Jenny - being a mere girl - faints.

Inside Prince Andrew's mind.

 Mrs. Abercrombi and John soon find her tho' (well it is nearly the end of the film) and are shocked to hear that there's a mad bloke running around killing folk but when they go to investigate there's no sign of anyone else around.

Jenny tho' is convinced but both Agnes and John put it down to her feeling unwell, insisting that the best thing for her is to stay overnight in Mrs Abercrombi's house.

But first it's time for dinner.

And another cup of her sweet smelling tea......

From writer/director/producer William Herbert comes this little seen lo-fi classic of creepy cults and cannibalism that belays it's pound shop roots with some (slightly over the) toptastic performances and a general air of menace not usually found in what would normally be the bottom half of a drive-in double bill.

And whilst it is admittedly  a wee bit shaky at times with sound quality verging  on the indecipherable the performances from the leads pull it back from the brink and make it such a joy to watch with some great (semi) improvised stuff that's as hypnotic as it is bizarre.

Take for instance the scene where John - in an attempt to woo Jenny - performs a one-man horror movie of the mind where he plays both monster and hero, defeating himself before planting a kiss on Jenny's lips and then, without warning flips again as he menacingly stalks Jenny armed with nothing but a big stick and a scary stare.

On paper this sounds ludicrous whereas on screen it's electrifying.

Your Nan's cum face (trust me I know).

Also worth the admission price is Edna MacAfee's almost Warholian non-performance as Agnes Abercrombi.

All pursed lips and pinched cheeks it's almost as if they just plucked a mad bag lady off the streets and let her loose.

Similar in ideas - if not in execution - to it's - slightly - more famous contemporary 'Folks At Red Wolf Inn' (release a year earlier), Warlock Moon straddles that fine line 'tween B movie drive-in fodder like Blood Feast and the oncoming storm of cinema-verite violence ushered in by the likes of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it's influence can be seen everywhere from the Ti West Classic House of The Devil to most of Rob Zombies output.

Which is a shame but there you go.

Well worth a looksie.

chan-tastic.

A few years back I did a few of the wee drawings - and wrote some words - for writer Andy Ross' undead opus DEAD FUNNY : THE RISE OF THE ZOM-COM, a hardy paperback celebrating 30 years of the zombie-themed comedy, it re-traces the path that led to Edgar Wright's benchmark 2004 production, Shaun Of The Dead and features overviews of such classics as Return Of The Living Dead, BrainDead, Bio-Zombie, amongst others.

It's well worth a read and not just because of my contributions.

Tho' there is that.


And why am I telling you this?


Because this review is originally from there so if you like it you can buy it.*

And buy the movie too cos it's an absolute belter.



Bio-Zombie (1998).
Dir: Wilson Yip.

Cast: Jordan Chan, Sam Lee, Angela Tong, Emotion Cheung, Suk-Mui Tam, Yiu Cheung Lai, Frankie Chan and Bonnie Lai Suk-Yin.

Welcome to the whacked-out world of Woody Invincible (HK superstar and official mancrush Jordan Chan) and Crazy Bee (top drawer comedic sidekick Sam Lee), two  professional wide boys who make their money selling bootlegged DVDs at a small stall in the popular New Trend Plaza Mall.

When not selling knock off goods ("Tracking's dodgy mate!"), gambling and hitting teenager customers on the head they pass the time picking on bespectacled Sushi bar worker Loi (Cheung), avoiding run-ins with the grumpy  Mr. Kui (Cheung Lai) the owner of the mobile phone shop and, in Woody's case flirting with the button-nosed beautician Rolls (Tong) much to Loi's chagrin.

With the main characters introduced it's time to get down to the plot good and proper and catch up with a couple of nefarious black market arms dealers who are in the middle of selling a scary bio-weapon that turns people into the undead to a couple of sinister secret service types.

ABBA have let themselves go....

Obviously the shadowy government agency are interested in the weapon but insist on a demonstration and lo and behold the scary sellers just happen to have an infected zombie with them, which is kinda lucky I guess.

Their luck is about to run out tho' as no sooner is the zombie let loose than it manages to chomp down of two of the agents and mortally wounding the other before being shot in the face.

Realizing that the whole situation may be a wee big difficult to explain the arms dealers make a swift exit leaving the bioweapon (cunningly disguised as a bottle of Lucozade) behind.

Could things get any worse?

Well Woody, on his way back to deliver his bosses newly repaired car accidentally runs over the prone agent and quickly jumps out of the vehicle to see if he can help (or at least persuade him not to press charges) as the poor guy gestures to Woody to come nearer (I reckon he's going to whisper 'I love you' to him I mean c'mon he's only flesh and blood) our hapless hero mistakes the actions for the guy having a dry throat and quickly pours the Lucozade into his mouth before bungling him into the back of the car and driving back to the mall.

On arrival Woody desperately tries to find Crazy Bee for a wee bit of moral support leaving the injured agent sloppily leaking onto the back seat.

It's not long tho' before the guy is totally zombified (is that even a word? Well it is now) and wandering off into the mall in search of fresh meat.

Realizing that he'll need to get the car fixed if he doesn't want a doing Woody sells the (by now undead) agents top of the range mobile phone to Mr Kui  but still doesn't have enough money to fix the car so alongside Crazy Bee decide to steal Rolls purse and jewelery whilst she's busy doing Mrs Kui's (the marvelously mumsy Suk-Mui Tam) make-up for the weekend.

The rotters.

Exit wound in mah mooth!

Suspicious of the pair - and egged on by her pal Jelly (Bonnie Lai Suk-Yin), Rolls asks Woody to help find her purse in exchange for a dinner date.

A dinner date where she intends to get him drunk so he'll admit to stealing her stuff.

She's a crafty one and no mistaking.

Obviously Woody agrees and the pair head off to the sushi bar, much to the annoyance of Loi.

As Woody and Rolls get more and more drunk - and even more flirty than usual the couple stumble into the toilets for some privacy with an anxious Loi - determined to protect Rolls honour - in pursuit.

As he goes to burst into the toilet tho' poor Loi is bitten by the undead agent who then scurries off toward the mall's underwear section leaving our bitten soy-boy ranting about monsters whilst bleeding over Rolls incredibly milky thighs.

Being a nice girl she takes Loi round the rear (ooeer missis) - of the sushi bar obviously - whilst Woody and Crazy Bee look for help.

Oh and zombies (of a Bio kind) obviously.

Fair enough.

Whilst all this slight panic is going down the zombie special agent manages to find his phone amongst Mr Kui's belongings causing the (already) angry shopkeeper to go full on shouty at our heroes accusing them of stealing the phone back before reporting them to the mall security guard known only as 'Ox' (Frankie Chan).
Realizing that the plot may need a few more characters to really get going Ox calls the police (Policemen #3001 and #9466 to be precise) who, after a series of more and more outrageous questions decide to lock Woody and Crazy Bee in Ox's office whilst #3001 goes in search of clues.

Popping into the sushi bar for a snack he's soon killed by Loi who by this time has completely turned and is currently holding Rolls captive (he loves her you see) whilst back at the security office the undead agent has turned up killing Ox before attacking #9466.

It never rains.

In the bloody confusion Woody and Crazy Bee escape and head toward the mall entrance, where they come across Jelly, Rolls' co-worker, who's just back from a sly fag oblivious to the chaos all around her but as the dynamic duo try to explain the last 35 minutes of plot a reanimated Ox closes the mall's shutters, trapping everyone inside.

As the trio argue over what to do they bump into Mr and Mrs Kui who've narrowly avoided a biting and after a quick exchange of pleasantries decide to hide in the beauty parlor till everything blows over.

Coming to the conclusion that he is, in fact, the films hero (well he does have a hit recording career outside his film work) Woody volunteers to not only contact the authorities but also rescue Rolls whilst he's at it and heads off excitedly to the sushi bar where he manages to sneak Rolls out whilst Loi is distracted fighting off the bad zombies who want to eat her whole.

Although I've heard that they spit that bit out.

Meeting up with the others they all decide to attempt an escape rather than wait for help.

I mean what could possibly go wrong?

"He did WHAT in his cup?"

Running toward the store elevator with the (Bio) Zombies in hot pursuit Kui proves his patent bastardness when realizing that the lift is over the weight limit by cold-heartedly pushes Jelly into the path of the undead much to the annoyance of everyone else who then decide to go back and attempt save her.
Kui swears at everyone before dragging his wife off toward the exit.

Finding Jelly dead Crazy Bee, Woody and Rolls - now armed with a collection of household items - head for the security office in order to get the keys to open the shutters, killing and maiming zombies as they go.

Hearing a scream in the distance they realize that Mrs. Kui - now separated from both the group and her hubbie - is under attack from the undead and Crazy Bee, admitting to having a huge crush on her, hurries to help.

Meanwhile Mr Kui is hiding in a cupboard shitting himself.

Crazy Bee arrives too late tho' and poor Mrs Kui dies in his arms.

But things are about to take a darker turn for as Bee cradles his unrequited love a sneaky zombie manages to crawl toward him and bites his arm.

Ouch.

Your mum, Christmas eve, 1994.

Meeting up with Rolls and Woody at the security office, Crazy Bee is desperate to find the security key as well as keeping his bite hidden from his friends, unfortunately due to his panicked state he totally fails to see Ox creeping up on him.

As Crazy Bee tells his best friend how much he means to him Ox pounces and kills him sending Woody into a violent rage where he first beheads Ox before doing the same to Crazy Bee so as to prevent him coming back from the dead.

Finally finding the security key the duo head down the parking garage in the hope of getting to Woody's boss' car and escaping but by now the whole underground carpark is crawling with zombies.

Fighting their way through the undead hordes, they reach Woody’s boss’ car but find themselves trapped and surrounded.

Suddenly tho' Loi appears and in one last show of kindness to Rolls raises the garage shutter before pushing the car out into the street allowing the pair to escape.

As the drive off into the night they see Loi fighting the other zombies as he pulls the shutter back down, trapping the undead inside.

With the streets empty Woody pulls up at a deserted petrol station in the hope of finding help and supplies, as he searches he notices an emergency broadcast programme on the TV warning the populance against against drinking soft drinks due to a mysterious contamination. 

As Woody continues to watch he notices that Rolls have found the Lucozade bottle under the seat of the car.....

An obvious influence on Edgar Wright's Shaun of The Dead, director Wilson (IP Man, Kill Zone SPL and Skyline Cruisers also with Jordan Chan amongst other classics) Yip's  Bio-Zombie is a surprisingly charming little movie that, playing against audience expectations is less a lo-fi undead shlocker and more of a genre defying rollicking roller-coaster ride that riffs on  rom-com conventions, buddy comedies and action movies before delivering one of the bleakest endings since Miracle Mile.

And all in under 90 minutes.

Zach Snyder and Rian Johnson take note.

But any low budget film, no matter how entertaining lives and dies by its cast and luckily Bio-Zombie's is brilliant, from the natural chemistry between the leads (Jordan Chan and Sam Lee who bizarrely enough have both played the same character - "Chicken" Chiu - in the Young And Dangerous film series, Chan in the first three movies and Lee as a younger version in the prequel) to the vile, misogynistic Mr. Kui and fabulously flirty Rolls everyone  plays it with a terrific conviction that makes even the most hastily sketched and clichéd characters come alive to a point where you find yourself genuinely caring for the people on screen.

A rare thing to find in the low-budget comedy horror genre and no mistaking.

A joy from silly start to freaky finish Bio-Zombie deserves to bee seen by a much bigger audience than it has already so stop what you're doing and track down a copy NOW.



You can thank me later.

Titles.

One final word of warning tho', if you do fancy seeing it try to stay away from the dubbed US release because although worth it to see how many Cartoon Network voice actors you can spot (DeeDee from Dexter's Laboratory is one) the script appears to have been translate by someone whose favourite film is American Pie, although they had to have it explained to them as there were too many big words in the script.



Really it's that bad and frankly a film of this quality deserves better.































*You can tell this was for a 'proper' publication due to the lack of puerile humour in the review....don't worry there'll be mooth shite aplenty tomorrow.

root it oot.

Just back from my yearly trip to the motherland which you'll be interested to know has trees in it.

Hence I viewed this upon my return as it too has trees in it.


The Forest (1982).
Dir: Donald M. Jones.
Cast: Dean Russell, Gary Kent, Tomi Barrett, John Batis, Ann Wilkinson, Jeanette Kelly, Corky Pigeon, Becki Burke, Tony Gee, Stafford Morgan, Marilyn Anderson Jean Clark and Donald M. Jones.

'If you go down to the woods today... You might never get out alive.'

Somewhere in the American great outdoors an unnamed couple of the type you only get in early 80s horror movies that have only relatives and neighbours to cast from - you know the types, long, horse like faced women with Farrah flicks and middle-aged guys with stud beards grey chest hair poking thru' an open necked stonewashed shirt a size too small for him - are having fun hiking thru' the woods whilst attempting to chat in a non-stilted manner as an instantly forgettable MoR rock track plays in the background.

Everything is going smoothly, well as smoothly as two non-actors trying to recite dialogue whilst not slipping down muddy banks can go, until that is the lady (Anderson whose post Forest career peaked with an appearance as a Receptionist in a 1983 episode of Dynasty*) gets a feeling of impending dread and a notion of them being watched from the trees.

Her husband (Morgan, best known for his spot on portrayal as an engineer in Die Hard 2: Die Harder), being that kind of guy, poo-poos the idea but in order to placate his missis (in the hope of some tent based todger tickling later) allows her to walk ahead of him so she'll feel less threatened.

No me neither.

"I'm sorry, I have my woman's period."

We don't have to much time to worry about such trivialities tho' as the pair have soon been dispatched by an unseen assailant with a big knife as an even more forgettable MoR track with lyrics about spooky forests blurts out over the credits.

Which I have to admit feature one of THE best home made fonts of all time.

And here it is:

Genius.


Anyway we're soon with the plot good and proper where best buds - handsome hunk Steve (mustached macho man and council estate Tom Selleck, Russell) and the ferret like Charlie (Batis who I think went into Christian-based arts as far as I remember, I'd check but to be honest I can't be arsed) are busy planning a boys weekend away camping in the woods much to their girlfriends - Teddi (Poundshop Cheryl Ladd, Wilkinson - and the thin lipped Sharon (Ex stunt person Barrett) - chagrin.

It seems that the laydees are a wee bit pissed off at the fellas constant digs at women's lib and the like so the pair decide to play them at their own game and go camping by themselves.

Or is it with the guys?

It's kinda confusing if I'm honest.

Anyway the next morn the girls drive off toward the forest but as they chat it becomes increasingly apparent that neither of them have any idea about camping and were only saying they did in order to come across as equal to the men.

Because feminism.

Or a glib generalization of what feminism is according to the (male) director obviously.

Meanwhile the boys are running late due in part to the car breaking down but mainly because it took Steve and hour and a half to fit into his crotch revealing denims so by the time they arrive at the campsite the girls have already set off into the woods, failed to put up a tent, broken a nail and been visited by two mysterious kids and a woman.

Oh and been attacked by a portly tramp named John (Kent, stuntperson and hubbie of Barrett) who murders Teddi before carrying her off to his cave to eat.

Which is nice.

Sharon, in case you're interested escaped by jumping off a (small) cliff into a lake by the way.

Which is probably why they cast a stunt type person.

"To me!" "To you!"

Anyway as night (and the rain) continues to fall Steve and Charlie are still frantically searching for their lady friends but decide that because it's so wet to hide out in a cave till morning and it's here that they too come across (but not in a sexual way, well not yet) the weirdy beardy John who's just finished cooking Teddi and offers the pair a nibble, proclaiming that it's actually a deer.

As the trio tuck in, John begins to tell his tragic tale of woe and how he came to be living in a cave in the woods stinking of piss, you see it seems that a few years back when he worked as a traveling rubber nipples salesman, his - nameless because this film has a really healthy view of women - dear wife (Kelly in her only film role - surprise) spent her days shagging anyone who passed by the house.

Repair men, post men, the paperboy - you name it she let them put it in her which wasn't until one day John came home early to find her in bed with the refrigerator repairman who, bizarrely enough and after an uncomfortable scene reminisce of when my mum got caught with the Jehovah's Witness in the conservatory by my uncle Peter actually pulls on his trousers and does indeed proceed to fix the fridge.

That's your mum that is.

This wanton display of multitasking masculinity sends John over the edge and after beating his wife to death with a table lamp chases the fridge guy around the garden brandishing a variety of sharp edged gardening tools (and a bicycle) before gutting him on a lathe as his children - John Jr. (Pigeon who scarily went on to have a huge career and is best known for playing Freddy Lippincottleman in the hit teevee sitcom Silver Spoons as well as drumming with top pop combos MXPX and Reel Big Fish) and Jennifer (Burke, who may now be working as a customer Account Manager at Aaron’s Sales and Lease Corporation in Texas) look on in apathy.

From there on in he's been holed up in a cave with only his baseball cap and by now very stiff pants to his name.

Bless.

And on that note the boys unpack their sleeping bags and quickly fall asleep.

Which is what I wanted to do at this point thanks to the films 'leisurely' pace.

Less Grizzly Adams more slightly peeved Pete.

 

As morning dawns the pair wake to the sight of John standing over then licking his lips as he gently cradles his man package so making their excuses Steve and Charlie quickly pack up and head of to find the ladies soon finding their destroyed campsite and discarded belongings.

Because lets be honest, it's quite a short film.

"Oh Vic...I've fallen!"

Deciding that something terrible must have happened to cause the girls to leave their make up bags behind the pair split up to continue their search.

Meanwhile down on the riverbank Sharon is busy finding out more about the plot from the pair of spooky kids she met earlier, who it transpires are ghosts.

Fair enough.

It seems that getting bored with living in a cave with their deranged dad and living solely on wild berries and hikers  the pair killed themselves but are now trapped in limbo being chased by the ghost of their mother.

And this, coupled with marrying a whore caused John to turn cannibal.

No, really.

Man murders folk?

Blame a woman.

Or if that doesn't work blame his kids.

"Is it giro day?"

Realizing that the film is almost over the director decides to add a wee bit of excitement so to this end Steve falls down a hill and hurts his leg whilst Charlie stumbles around getting steadily sweatier and more simpering as he goes.

Just when all thought of absolutely anything entertaining happening is forever destroyed who should pop out from behind a tree but the ghost of the dead wife   who - quite politely for a dead slapper I reckon - asks him where her children are.

But as he goes to answer John too jumps out the bushes and attempts to stick his chopper in Charlie, causing ghost mum to vanish and our hero to experience a wee bit of chafing round the thigh area.

As the pair (slow) fight to the death John explains that he's not really a mentalist and only kills campers during the winter when it's too difficult to get to Asda to buy pork, which is OK then I guess.

And with that he drowns poor Charlie in the river.

Which given the state of the film so far is a mercy killing.

Dollar - The Pikey Years.

As John attempts to carry Charlie's body back to his man cave who should arrive but Sharon who, being a girl is quickly is overpowered by John (tho' it may have more to do with his onion breath than his strength) but just as he lunges in for the kill his ghostly weans turn up and beg him to let Sharon live.

And with that he lets her escape.

Will Sharon find Steve or will John go a bit mad again at the thought of lunching out on her tender thighs?

Will anything happen in the scant running time remaining to make watching this anything other than an utter waste of time?

Who knows/cares.

Not director/writer/tea boy Don Jones that's for sure.

From the man behind The Love Butcher, Sweater Girls and Schoolgirls In Chains (oh and who also did the sound on Switchblade Sisters and The Swinging Cheerleaders) comes probably one of THE most incoherently plotted, woodenly acted and crappily directed movies if not ever then definitely of the 80s.

But saying that at least it's in focus and does feature David Somerville 'singing' the fantastically cringe inducing "The Dark Side of The Forest" (with lyrics by Stan Fidel who wrote "Best of Friends" for Disney's The Fox And The Hound fact fans) over the credits so you win some, you lose some I guess.

But if you fancy 80 odd minutes of barely bargain basement gore effects, ghostly kids with haircuts that'd make even Jimmy Savile think twice, bizarro voice overs, a woman who looks like your auntie whoring it up on a camp bed and what seems like hours of footage of two guys arguing in/about traffic then The Woods may just be the film for you.

But I doubt it somehow.

Flick.

It's almost like Jones is purposely trying to scupper any chance the film has to shine, whether it be the almost DOA pacing, aimless wide shots of trees or just the entire nonsensical nature of the plot, at every turn just when you think something interesting might happen the film, like some drunken bloke stumbling home from the pub with a greasy kebab in hand,  just fumbles and staggers across the road before dropping meat onto its shoes and collapsing in an alley.

Probably to get bummed by a tramp in the early hours of the morning.

Only Jones wouldn't show that bit, he'd cut to an empty taxi rank round the corner.

Tho' he'd probably dub the sound of foxes playing in a garden over the footage just to stop you falling into a coma.

Scarily according to the cast he actually remortgaged his house to pay for this so either he was really fucking delusional or he really hated the wallpaper and reckoned that losing his home to the bank was a better option than just burning it down.

Put it in me!

But who knows perhaps the film is actually really meta and is in fact just playing with our preconceptions of what makes a good slasher - I mean we all accept Jason wearing a hockey mask or Leatherface wearing your mums mug so why not a terrifying mountain-based cannibal in a child's baseball cap and a mantit hugging T-shirt?

And sure after The Evil Dead we were spoiled with Raimi's patented 'shaky-cam' and wall to wall grue but who's to say that overexposed static shots of random trees and stock footage of traffic jams isn't the next leap forward in tree-based terror?

Plus after axes, chainsaws and fingerblades what's stopping a jam covered pen knife being a terrifying weapon of death?

Indeed maybe this film is actually cinematic genius and it's me who's wrong.


What the truth is we'll never know for sure cos I'm fucked if I'm going to lose any more sleep thinking about it.



Good day.


























*And I only know this as I own the entire run on DVD.....sad but true.

horrorday on the buses

With the girls off on holiday this week it's left to me and the boy child to amuse ourselves so seeing as they've gone by coach I thought I'd show him what they can expect by re-watching this beauty.

Yup it's the frankly fangtastic (sorry couldn't resist) La Orgia Nocturna de los Vampiros.

As an aside did you know that for years I'd had to put up with watching a horribly chewed VHS copy of the movie seeing as no-one could be arsed giving it a proper DVD release.

Until about two years ago when whilst out shopping for pants  I found this little beauty lurking on a shelf just behind a copy of Night Train Murders.

And for only 3 quid too.

Bargain.

Trackings dodgy mate!

Well it would have been had, upon watching, it'd not become obvious that Fusion Media Sales had in fact broken into my house and just transferred my copy onto disc.

Via an old sock.

It's even got chews on it.

It's still bloody brilliant tho'.

Even the academic types think so seeing as someone actually delivered a paper on it at a conference a few years back.

I know.

I was there.

And I'd traveled by coach too.

Spooky.

La Orgia Nocturna de los Vampiros (AKA The Vampires Night Orgy. 1973) 
Dir: Leòn Klimovsky.
Cast: Jack Taylor, Dianik Zurakowska, Charo Soriano, Helga Liné, José Guardiola, Manuel de Blas, David Aller, Indio González, Luis Ciges, Antonio Páramo, María Vidal, Sandalio Hernández, Fernando Bilbao, Alfonso de la Vega, Rafael Albaicín, Reg Varney, Fernando E. Romero and Sarita Gil.

”The Countess says you can continue your work, with one arm!”

It's a sunny day in seventies Spain, Stan Butler anxious to get away from Blakey's constant complaining has decided to get a summer job driving a motley band of agency employees to their new jobs at a huge country estate and hopefully pull some dolly birds along the way.

Unfortunately whilst still 110 km from their destination, Stan suffers a massive heart attack and without his buck toothed pal Jack to perform a complicated heart massage procedure dies.

"Ere Jack...I can't feel my fingers!"

Luckily the passengers manage to stop the bus before anyone else is killed, regaining their composure and calling a meeting over what action to take.

Ferret-like gardener Terry Godo (former governor of Santander, Ciges) volunteers to take little Violet Smallgirl (Gil, later to grace our screens in the fantastic Esposa y amante) off the bus (as opposed to up the casino) whilst the rest of the passengers hurriedly carry poor Stan to the back seats before draping a dirty blanket over him.

Oh the indignity of it all.

Whilst all this stiff shuffling is going down Violet heads off to explore the local rocks where she bumps into a bowl haired, snub nosed little boy named Jeremy (star of Profesor Eróticus and director of Dawn of The Dead Romero) who invites her to play with him in the nearby quarry.

Until he gets bored and vanishes into thin air that is.

Some scary titles yesterday.

After much discussion and flailing of arms the passengers decide to head to the nearby village of Tolnio in order to find food and more importantly dispose of Stan seeing as the Brylcreem from his quiff is now dripping down the seats and staining the floors.

On arrival tho' our reluctant travelers realize that the entire place is empty, save for internationally renowned brush salesman Luis (Taylor from Polanski's The Ninth Gate), who instantly takes a liking to the harsh faced yet pleasantly breasted Alma (Scrabble scoring Zurakowska, star of such quality fare as Dracula, the Terror of the Living Dead....yes I know it's bizarre but these folk did indeed go on to have careers).

Helping themselves to the local hotels supply of crisps and booze it's not long before everyone is passed out, either draped across chairs in the bar or sprawled across the beds in one of the rooms.

Brits abroad eh?

Although to be honest they're not Brits they're Spanish.

And in Spain.

I didn't really think that thru' did I?

Let's just forget about it and move on.

Thanks.

Anyway back to the action where lecherous Luis has discovered that not only his is room right next to Alma's but there's a spy hole in the wall giving him (and us) ample opportunity to ogle her frighteningly conical breasts.

Ding dong.

Not everyone of the bus is a sex pest tho', there are a couple of honest-to-goodness alcoholics too, including the pie-eyed plumbers mate Ernesto (former Looney Tunes star Gonzálezis) who is too preoccupied with finding more booze to think about sleeping (or shagging) and wanders off into the village in the hope of finding an off-licence or 24 hour garage.

Imagine his surprise then when instead he finds every resident of the village having a party in the local graveyard.

And if that wasn't enough to tingle your spine imagine his reaction when he discovers that they're all vampires.

Now how's he gonna explain that to my nan?

"Hello there hen....fancy a wee bit o' mooth shite-in?"

Next morning and our heroes are woken by the shock haired local mayor, Boris Van Johnson (Guardiola), who helpfully explains the village's earlier emptiness was due to them all attending the town librarians funeral but not to worry because they're all welcome for as long as they wish to stay and that their bills will all be paid for by the Countess (the utterly gorgeous Liné from the classic Las garras de Lorelei) who lives in a house, a very big house overlooking Tolnio.

No, nothing sinister here at all then.

But for the mayor there are more important things to worry about, like what to feed everyone with seeing as the whole village appears to be devoid of shops.

"Can we fix it? No it's fucked!"

Turns out that he actually has a plan for such an occurrence (can you imagine the town meeting? "First order of the day, what to do if a bus  load of non vampire tourists turn up unannounced")  and soon has the town giant (Drácula contra Frankenstein star and uncle of Frodo, Bilbao) chopping off various bits of townsfolk to serve to the travelers.

Which is kinda sweet if you think about it.

But let's not forget that this is a horror movie not some feel good community caper so to add an air of uncomfortable menace to the proceedings (that doesn't involve Bri-Nylon slacks) who should reappear unannounced - and without having a wash the stinking bastard - why only Ernesto, all grey-faced, poo stained and scabby necked.

Exactly like your dad after his works Christmas party.

And his excuse for staying out all night?

Well according to it he's been busy burying Stan, tho' his pal Marcos Tandy (Paranormal Xperience 3D's de Blas) jokingly reckons from the size of his stomach he's probably eaten him.

If only he knew eh?

Invited to dine with the Countess our merry band enjoy a polite evening of stilted chat, sloppy dubbing and vaguely human shaped meat until the clock chimes midnight when she bids them farewell.

All that is except wannabe actor and stud for hire Cesar (Aller from Krakatoa: East of Java, the film not the place ) who after shoddily reciting a wee bit of Shakespeare gets to shake his own spear in the Countess' bed.

By that I mean they indulged in the sex.

Rather than a post-coital cuddle and a fag tho' the Countess leaps on the poor fella, biting his neck before tossing him out of the window to the awaiting mass of hungry villagers below.

Usually when that's happened to me I just get given a false telephone number.

"Is it in yet?"

As day makes way to night, more and more of the travelers succumb to the villagers vile curse and with Luis no longer content to just crack one off whilst spying on Alma undressing, our peephole pal must find a means of escape for him and his squeeze to be...

Will they fix the car and escape?

Will the hotel ever replenish it's stock of pork scratchings?

Will Luis get his end away or be cursed to a life of furtive masturbation at bus stops?

And what is the secret ingredient of Boris' ‘special drink’?

Well I'm not telling.

Whoever designed this cover, I hope your parents are proud.

From the late, great Leon Klimovsky, the man behind the Paul Naschy starrers The Werewolf Vs. Vampire Woman and Dr. Jekyll Vs. The Werewolf comes this frankly bonkers tale of fangs, fiends and migrant workers that plays out like Carry On Abroad as envisaged by Jean Rollin.

There may not be any actual night orgies and only one true vampire but when a movie features so many close-ups of slobbering gypsy mouths, crooked European teeth and unkempt seventies bush as this you really can't complain.

Well obviously you could but I for one would ignore you.

And so what if the plots been done to death a thousand times before by the likes of 2000 Maniacs and The Grapes Of Death, it's rarely done with so much flair and grace by a cast that scarily decides to play the whole thing totally straight.

And I for one are grateful.

Plus it features Helga Liné in a set of comedy pound shop vampire teeth and a chiffon nightie, take from that what you will.

Hook, Liné and tinker.

A masterpiece of holiday horror from start to finish, like Withnail And I stumbling drunkenly into the plot of I Am Legend, La Orgia Nocturna de los Vampiros should be on the top of every bodies top ten Spanish Vampire films set in towns and featuring trapped bus passengers lists.


Well it is in mine.

For a film that cost tuppence to make  the locations are surprisingly creepy, the luscious ladies are perfect Euro-vamps personified and the script is just the right side of dream-like, never wandering into the 'dubbed into incomprehensibility' badlands that many lo-fi Euroshockers end up in.

Glorious.

Unlike the DVD transfer.

love bites.

Three days into the school holidays and we've exhausted the Paul Naschy collection, bizarrely it wasn't the werewolf stuff the kids enjoyed but Count Dracula's Great Love so been desperately searching for any other vampire movies I own that may be kid friendly.

This one, it seems may not be.

Gayracula (1983).
Dir: Roger Earl.
Cast: Tim Kramer, Steve Collins, Rand Remington, Randal Butler, Michael Christopher, Ray Medina, Max Montoya, Doug Weston, Douglas Poston and Davin McNeil.

"You have done me a great service....

now I shall service you!"

Our dark tale of undead bloodlust begins with a group of robed and mysteriously seventies haired monks carrying a coffin thru' the California desert to a fairly inoffensive sub-Jerry Goldsmith Omen-esque score.

So far so so.

Entering a dark, dank cave our hooded pals force open the coffin to reveal a jug-eared young man in his granddad's tuxedo lying within.

As the lead monk Brian attempts to stake him thru' the heart our be-suited chum suddenly opens his eyes and sits upright before metamorphosing into a bat whilst filling the cave with what looks like eggy bad-dad gas.

As the monks shriek and scream in terror the bat - via a handy fishing wire and a big stick - flies to the cave entrance before reverting back to it's human form.

Naked apart from a cape, patent leather brogues and socks the monks can only cower in fear at the evil that is Gayracula.

Ladies and gentlemen....
live on stage....5ive!

Jump forward (backwards? sideways?) to the year is 1783  - well according to the dodgy Letraset font superimposed over a kids drawing of a Halloween castle it is - where the fantastically monikered Gaylord Young (The late Tim Kramer of California Jackoff fame), a courier for the legal firm of Crotchley, Bloomfield and Smythe (like it matters) has been dispatched to Transylvania to deliver a family heirloom to the mysteriously mustachioed Mark Shannon alike (and even more fantastically monikered) Marquis de Suede (Collins last seen in Falconhead Part II: The Maneaters).

Being so grateful for the personal touch of delivering the said artifact to his imposing castle by hand, de Suede offers Young a hot meal and a bed for the night.

Oh yes, and also insists on sucking the young man's huge throbbing member as if it were an oversized Chupa Chup before firing his own undead vampiric muck all over Young's lily-white arse and at the point of climax biting him on the neck.

All in gloriously over-lit clinical colour.

Which reminds me, how is your dad?

The year they invented Crayola obviously.

Waking the next morning to a head full of red and an arse like a sugared doughnut, poor Gaylord stumbles over to the mirror to examine his neck only to see not his own reflection but the face of de Suede laughing maniacally at him before the mirror explodes in a shower of sharp pointy shards.

The curse of the vampire has been passed to a new victim.

Gaylord Young, legal eagle is no more.

He has become the king of the undead.

Something less than human but with a cock the size of a newborn baby.

A very muscley new born baby.

With shotputters arms.

Which is a plus point if you think about it.

Your Dads works night out.

Suddenly (and without so much as a warning or even a crudely crayoned flashframe) we're transported to 'modern day' Los Angeles, where Boris the manservant (allegedly some bloke named Rand Remington but frankly I'm convinced is Tom Savini) and Geoff the delivery boy (Christopher last seen in the 1991 erotic thriller Fade In, an undiscovered classic that featured gay half-men, half-spiders who devour their sexual partners after trapping them in webs of sticky cum...seriously) are busy decorating a huge mansion ready for the new owner to move in.

Worn out after carrying a big wooden coffin into the lounge Geoff has to rest for a while but luckily Boris appears to be a trained sports therapist and offers to massage his stiff shoulders.

With his penis.

Obviously.

Geoff, grateful for the help notices that Boris looks uncomfortable sitting on a rough wooden box so, assuming his bottom must be getting a wee bit sore offers to massage that in return.

Boris agrees and the two men indulge themselves in a bout of manly massage.

It was at this point I realised that this may not be, in fact, a 'proper' vampire film.

"Tonight Matthew I'm going to be...
Gary Barlow!"

All this excitement, groaning and testosterone (not to mention the copious amounts of semen dripping into his coffin) is enough to wake Gaylord from his slumber.

Having been asleep for 200 hundred years tho' he's rather peckish and makes short work of poor Geoff's bum draining every speck of blood from his body.

And now Gaylord, rested and fed can begin to explore his new home.

Your dad, working late at the office last night.

And it's whilst taking in the LA sights (as well as taking a few other things in obviously) that Gaylord discovers that the Marquis de Suede is still alive - posing as an agent and running an all male dance troupe in a theatre just off Hollywood Boulevard.

And you guessed it our vampiric chum and the Marquis have some unfinished business to attend to.

Revenge for turning Gaylord into a vampire?

A battle to the death to decide who is the king of the undead?

Or is it that Gaylord just can't get enough of the Marquis' ungodly shaft?

Go on, guess.

"Flames in mah mooth!"

Arriving at rehearsals and given a front row seat - alongside a key to the mysterious 'backroom' - by the Marquis, Gaylord's sex plans are thrown into disarray when he comes across (not literally, well not yet) the young, virginal Gavin (McNeil star of Malibu Days Big Bear Nights), a waiter at the theatre and falls instantly and hopelessly in love with him.

Using his powers of persuasion to entice Gavin to his home the pair make beautiful (well sticky and sweaty) love together and, as Gavin falls asleep in Gaylord's arms, the vampire vows never to suck the young boys blood and to only indulge in rimming on a Tuesday.

Aw, ain't love sweet?

Abstaining from blood drinking tho' leaves Gaylord weakened and stumbling thru' the streets in a daze and it's only thru' sheer luck that he manages across the local bloodbank where, as is usually the way with these things, the hunky doctor is far too busy sodomising one of the (even hunkier) patients to notice our hero draining the blood supply dry.

Returning home Gaylord vows to tell Gavin the truth about his unusual affliction.

But will their love survive?

"Put it in me!"

Three cheers for Roger Earl for producing a vampire movie with all the passion, romance, horror and copious scenes of buggery sadly missing from such big budget offerings as Bram Stoker's Dracula, Twilight and the like.

It's micro-budget never once compromises Earl's vision and tho' he may have had to incorporate props and sets left over from the arse end of the seventies (cracked and wobbly disco balls, silver clad dance 'numbers' and a couple of unfortunate mustaches) he stays true to his aim of producing a film that not only delves deep into vampire lore whilst dealing with the universal issues of love and belonging but also manages to feature the most varied and frankly disturbing scenes of fucking, rimming, sucking and cupping I have ever seen.

And for this reason alone I take my hat off to him.

Who am I to judge tho?

 They may be smiling now but just wait till the fisting starts.

Earl may have just been making a low budget gay porn film and not realised the truly heart warming effect it would have on viewers so felt it my duty to spread the word.

To this end I invited my next door neighbours 14 year old Twilight fan daughter Agnes to watch it with me and she was left crying and shaking with emotion as the tender love story played out in front of her*.

Something I'm sure Robert Pattinson has never manage to do with his big square face and glittering shite.

I've not seen her since but when I do I'm sure she'll thank me for sharing the experience with her.

As will you after viewing this lost classic.































*only joking.**






























































**Or am I?

monkey trouble.

It's the school holidays so the podlings are choosing the movies around here for the next 6 weeks.

Luckily today they chose probably THE best monkey/wolf/crocodile-based beat 'em up released this year.

Rampage (2018).
Dir: Brad Peyton.
Dwayne Johnson, Naomie Harris, Malin Åkerman, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Jake Lacy, Joe Manganiello, Marley Shelton, P. J. Byrne, Demetrius Grosse and
Breanne Hill.

"...Of course the wolf can fly!"

Somewhere in Earth's orbit spacelab Athena-1, a research facility owned by the junior Umbrella Corporation Energyne, is on fire and falling to bits due in part to the mutated lab rat named Larry, who's escaped from his cage looking for snacks.

Stuck in the middle of all this mayhem is Dr. Kerry Atkins (Warriors of Virtue's Princess Elysia and Planet Terror's Dr. Dakota Block Shelton) who is desperately trying to secure some highly important Thermos flasks full of science-y stuff before the whole place explodes.

Which it does in spectacular fashion just as she reaches a handy escape pod which unfortunately too explodes sending the flasks hurtling to Earth.

And it's on Earth - or more precisely at a San Diego wildlife preserve -
where we meet ex-US Army Special Forces tough guy, UN anti-poaching officer and part-time primatologist Davis Okoye (Johnson) and his best friend, a rare albino gorilla named George whom he saved from pesky poachers when he was just a baby.

The gorilla that is, tho' I'm sure Dwayne Johnson was a baby too once.

After some basic character stuff and some Mr Tumble style comic signing Davis heads home for the night so misses the point where one of the space-based canisters crashes into George's enclosure spraying him with a noxious green gas.

Meanwhile the remaining flasks crash to Earth landing in the Everglades, where it's scoffed by a hungry crocodile and a Wyoming forest where a lands on a sleeping gray wolf.

Hmmm....I forsee trouble.

And maybe a wee bit of rampaging.

"Shite in mah massive monkey mooth ya green-gilled bastard!"

The next day Davis and co. are fairly surprised to find that poor George has grown to over twice his normal size, killed a grizzly bear in a fit of pique and is now hiding in a cave covered in snot and tears.

Which is nice.

As Davis waves his arms about trying to find out what the hell is happening who should turn up but genetic engineer and plot exposition expert Dr. Kate Caldwell (Ms Moneypenny herself, Harris), who helpfully explains that the gas that George has come into contact with was developed by Energyne in order to rewrite a creatures genes, she developed it in order to cure her brothers ingrowing toenail and bunions but Energyne - being a huge multinational company and therefore evil - have perverted her research and weaponised it.

The companies owners, the resting bitch faced Claire Wyden and her Donald Trump Jr. like brother Brett (ex Famous Monsters editor and Watchmen's Silk Spectre Åkerman and ball-faced Lacy from The Office) upon discovering she was about to spill the beans (tho' not alas slowly over her silky smooth thighs) got her sent to prison and discredited before continuing the research.

Bastards.

George, hungry for bananas and bored with all this chat escapes only to be quickly captured by a team of covert government agents led by the twangy  Agent Harvey Russell (The Walking Dead's Morgan) who pops the sleeping chimp on a plane bound for a secret base of something.

Honestly if they don't care why should i?

Meanwhile, Claire and Brett have hired a hit squad of mercenaries to find and capture the wolf, which has now mutated to giant size and is going by the name of Ralph.

No, really.

"Laugh now!"

Nothing about this plot thread matters tho' as the mercenaries are quickly dispatched giving us much more time to witness Davis signing to George and telling us how animals are nicer than people whilst a giant wolf makes it's way across mainland USA killing people.

He really didn't think that one thru' did he?

With the death of her private army Claire falls back on plan B, which involves capturing Ralph and and George then hoping one of them will kill Kate therefore keeping their secret experiments um, secret.

To this end they rig a huge transmitter atop their offices in order to lure the animals to Chicago.

Yup it seems that as well as having super strength and giganticness genes the animals have also been cunningly engineered to respond aggressively to a certain sound frequency.

Seems legit.

No sooner have they switched on the transmitter than George goes mental* and crashes the plane - tho' luckily Davis, Kate, and Russell manage to parachute to safety which acts as a bonding experience for the two tough guys who then vow to help each other save George and bring down the bad guys.

And girl.

No caption needed.

By this time George is miles away and heading for a showdown (and a bitchslap) with Ralph in downtown Chicago.

And as someone who's been there I can safely say it's no great loss.

Arriving at a military base for no other reason that to show how incompetent and trigger happy the army are, Davis and Kate convince Russell - who has gone from wise-cracking cowboy arsehole to wise cracking cowboy hero - to help them steal a helicopter (which Davis can fly obviously)so that they can arrive in Chicago before George and maybe even grab a bite to eat before the building throwing starts.

Unfortunately due to Trump's travel ban they get stuck in customs touching down just as George and Ralph begin their big bash attack.

With the military overwhelmed and outmaneuvered by a large CGI chimp and a dog puppet Davis and Kate valiantly attempt to make it to the Energyne building in order to steal a vaccine for George and save our monkey mate their journey is hampered by the surprise appearance of the mutated crocodile (named Lizzie) from earlier.

Much computer generated mayhem ensues as the terrifying trio begin throwing lumps of skyscraper at each other as the wolf flies around trying to each fighter planes.

Which begs the question, if Ralph has grown wings and can fire quills from his back and Lizzie has sprouted horns and a frilly neck thing, why George does nothing except change size dramatically between scenes.

He could at least have a massive mutant wang to beat folk with.

Or grown an extra head.

It's almost as if the film features no real science at all.

But at this point who gives a fuck cos the airforce have launched a big shiny stealth bomber and plan to level Chicago with a massive bomb.

Fuck yeah.

"Spice Girls number one for Christmas.....MONSTA!"

Meanwhile at Energyne our heroes easily manage to procure a few vials of the antidote but in order to ramp up the excitement level are caught by Claire and Brett.

Well by Claire actually as Brett's main characterisation appears to be sweating and twitching whilst wearing a blouson jacket that not even Timothy Dalton would be seen dead in but them the breaks I guess.

As a plus point Jake Lacy is considerably less punchable than his slightly more famous lookalike Matthew Lillard so it's a win all round really.

As she sinisterly - and it has to be said quite sexily -  reveals that the serum only eliminates the animals' aggression rather than revert them back to their normal size - or in George's case whatever size suits the scene.

Taking the vaccine, Claire shoots Davis in order to show what a thoroughly bad girl she is but luckily with Dwayne Johnson being constructed entirely from 100% ham he survives so she decides to just leave the pair where they are and escape by helicopter which is kept on the roof.

The same roof that houses the transmitter.

You remember the one the beasts are after.

I foresee trouble.

Malin Åkerman in a scene obviously cut from the movie.

As Davis and Kate attempt to catch up with the dirty dealing duo our science-type pal informs Davis that she secretly hid a vial of vaccine just in case the situation arises where she can pop it into Claire's bag and feed her to George, laughing at the thought of such a thing happening they continue to the roof where the aforementioned monkey is busy beating a wolf around the head with the helicopter.

With her only means of escape currently being waved around by an angry simian, Claire forces Davis to distract his hairy pal (George not Kate obviously)  while she attempts to sneak into the helicopter dressed as a banana but being resourceful Kate does indeed sneakily pop the vial into Claire's handbag and pushes her towards George, who swallows Claire her whole.

You'd think he'd spit that bit out tho'.

With George returning to his senses Davis hurriedly explains the situation to him and the by now far less angry ape agrees to help the humans but the airstrike is still incoming and preparing to blow the city to bits.

Will George defeat the bad beasts before making an inappropriate sex-based sign language joke?

Will Jeffrey Dean Morgan's character actually do anything other than spout chocolate box platitudes like some PC be-suited Roy Rogers on Valium?

Will the world's love of Dwayne Johnson (and it's ability to forgive him every shite film he ever makes) ever end?

 Will I actually remove the pole from my arse and admit to actually lapping this film up?

Let me start by admitting that I'm a sucker for a giant monster movie - especially one based on one of my fave arcade games (a game which, I admit I still occasionally play) so when they announced that they were adapting Rampage for the big screen - and featuring everyone's fave beefcake Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson no less - I'll admit I was a wee bit excited.


And that excitement literally doubled when I discovered that the director attached to the project was Brad Peyton, the man behind not only the criminally underrated Cats And Dogs sequel Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore (a film that is on an almost constant loop in our house thanks to young master Cassidy) but also the retro-style disaster flick San Andreas (which also features Dwayne Johnson, helicopters and one of the Watchmen cast - is there a pattern forming?) and introduced the world to the spooky charms of Nadia Litz in his short film Evelyn: The Cutest Evil Dead Girl.

Seriously why hasn't this guy won an Oscar yet? - or at least one of those well done certificates they give school kids.

Or even an 'I am special' badge.**

"I'm not a real welder!"

But - I hear you cry -  enough of the Brad Peyton love-in, is Rampage any good?

Well quite frankly yes.

It's a work of genius that is so meta in its almost perfect pastiche of dumb as nuts 80s action movies that it could actually be mistaken for genuinely wanting to be one.

It's terrifyingly predictable to a point of almost becoming a Mel Brooks style piss-take of the genre and it knows it but unlike most other movies of its ilk Rampage doesn't actually give a fuck - it just cares about how much giant monster-based destruction it can throw at the screen and how many times it can have Dwayne Johnson signing "Are you OK buddy?" at a CGI albino monkey whilst looking vaguely concerned.***

It even has a message of sorts about man being the real monsters tho' this is slightly less convincing when it's offset with footage of a huge horned crocodile eating people whilst a wolf the size of a bus bites a helicopter.

Plus it features the worlds most popular actor Dwayne Johnson wearing a tight 'muscle' top going around hitting people whilst still having a caring, sharing side that appeals to men and woman (and gorillas) alike.

And if that's not enough at one point he tries to kill a flying wolf with a bazooka.

Essential viewing.





























































*Please note how I resisted putting that he went apeshit. You're welcome.















**The campaign starts here.

***The answer is 24 times by the way.