fest your eyes on this.

Yup it's that time of year when Team Frightfest make their way oop nerth to 'sunny' Glasgow for their annual weekend of blood, sweat and fears and I recycle the last god knows how many previews so I don't have to come up with any new patter.

It's not like anyone reads this so frankly I can't see the point.

Anyway on with the show.

And what a show it promises to be as this year the film choice spans four continents, with two world, two European and six UK premieres.


And all from the relative comfort of your GFT seat.

The silver fox himself, Mr Alan Jones commented huskily (but not to me obviously):  

“Currently at its most vibrant and popular, the horror fantasy genre is constantly garnering critical acclaim, pushing boundaries and asking tough questions of audiences by reflecting relevant political and social issues. The genre isn’t just about escapism but a key tool to make sense of the chaos and confusion swirling around our everyday lives and FrightFest has known this for 20 years now, so it’s fantastic the rest of the world has finally woken up and smelt the coffins.”

Which is fair enough I guess.

As is the norm, the fest kicks off in style on Thursday 28th February with a special screening of LORDS OF CHAOS.

Based on the bestseller Lords of Chaos: The Bloody Rise of the Satanic Metal Underground by Michael Moynihan and Didrik Soderlind (and not I assume the Amiga game of the same name), the film traces the story of ‘Mayhem’ who were at the vanguard of the underground Norwegian music scene in the late 1980s before it all went tits up and folk died.
Bohemian Rhapsody this ain't.


There'll be considerably less bollock tickling mustaches for one thing.

Not this one.

Then it's straight to bed so you can all be up bright and early Friday to sit back and enjoy the UK premiere of director Danishka Esterhazy's LEVEL 16, a skin-crawling dystopian thriller about the mysterious Vestalis Academy, where young, orphans are meticulously trained in the art of being “clean girls,” and the virtues of perfect femininity. 

But what exactly are they being trained for?

I've no idea to be honest as I was sold by the phrase 'clean girls' but I reckon that there'll be even fewer bollock tickling mustaches here than in Lords of Chaos.

Which is none obviously.

A clean girl yesterday.

Next up is the European premiere of THE DEAD CENTER. Billy Senese’s slow burn shocker that tells the tale of an unidentified suicide victim who suddenly returns to life in Metro General Hospital morgue before wandering off, luckily medical examiner Edward Graham knows the John Doe’s real name but on a downside has no idea where the reanimated body has gone.

Meanwhile ace psychiatrist Daniel Forrester has recently come across a catatonic amnesiac who has mysteriously turned up in his ward....

Could it be the same man?

Blanket.

There's just time for a quick wee before the World premiere of Jack McHenry's HERE COMES HELL, described by a man as ‘Downton Abbey meets The Evil Dead’ it tells the scary story of a sophisticated 1930s soiree at an isolated country mansion that descends into carnage, gore and demonic possession as  a gateway to Hell is accidentally opened.

Which is nice.

Hopefully alongside all the promised gore there may be at least one bollock tickling mustache on show.

A nice big 1930s style one.

Fingers crossed.

Stance.

As day turns to night we have the UK premiere of Adrián García Bogliano’s BLACK CIRCLE  starring Swedish exploitation icon Christina Lindberg. Lindberg in a spooky story of 1970s vinyl albums and ghostly doppelgangers desperate to replace the originals.

Stare.

Rounding off Friday is the UK premiere of Ron Carlson’s DEAD ANT, an irresistible dose of sex, drugs, rock ‘n’ roll and humongous insects that's been referred to as Spinal Tap meets Them! by (another) man.

Tho' that maybe the same man as before.

I don't know.

I don't even know if he has a mustache.

Or even if he enjoys bollock tickling.

Tummy.

 It's back to the hotel for a tearful wank and a Pot Noodle in order to prepare for Saturday's shockers which 'kicks off' (not literally mind) with the UK premiere of Perry Blackshear’s expressive and atmospheric mermaid terror, THE RUSALKA.

Which is about, um, mermaids.

And probably killings.

Don't know too much about it other than it's been described as 'a wonderfully elegant nightmare' which works for me.

Lady.

There's just enough time to dry off before the World premiere of Lawrie Brewster's AUTOMATA which tells the story (thru' the medium of film obviously) of antique expert - as in he knows about old stuff, not that he's dead old) Brendon Cole who is summoned to authenticate a 300-year-old clockwork doll with a notoriously dark history known as The Inferno Princess.....

Mary doll.

 

We travel from Scotland to Denmark next (make the most of it as it'll be much harder post-Brexit) for the UK premiere of Søren Juul Petersen's FINALE.

Denmark has reached the finals of the European Championships of Football and everyone is glued to their TVs but at a small petrol station on the edge of town Agnes and Belinda have been chosen as players in a different altogether more gruesome game and no customers means no witnesses.

Expect blood, tears and a wee bit of deviant sexual behavior which may or may not involve bollock tickling.

Scream.

After a soapy communal bath and a slice of orange we hurriedly head to Korea (the nice part I assume) for Hoon-jung Park's smash hit THE WITCH PART 1: THE SUBVERSION, a hellzaboppin' reinvention of  the action genre where a gene-spliced child with superpowers take on the sinister organisation responsible for he condition with shocking and spectacular results.

Surprise.

Following this is the UK premiere of FREAKS, Zack Lipovsky and Adam Stein’s sci-fi thriller that centres on Chloe, a seven-year-old poppet who never leaves her ramshackle suburban home unless under the watchful eye of her paranoid pop who spends his spare time training his daughter to adopt an assumed identity if she’s ever separated from him, or to hide in a well-provisioned panic room if he should not return from one of his infrequent forays outside....

But why? you may ask.

You'll need to see it to find out.

Blood.

And rounding off this year’s feast of fearsome fancies is the UK premiere of spooky spoof THE HOARD, the latest from the team behind Pontypool and The Hexecutioners.

The ultimate reality show turns into the ultimate nightmare as a group of TV junk removers attempt to reform a legendary hoarder who owns four condemned and haunted properties.

What could possibly go wrong?

(Another more bloody) Scream.

FrightFest Passes are £75 and available from noon on Mon Jan 14, 2019. Passes cover all films on Fri 1 March and Sat 2 March ONLY.

Tickets for LORDS OF CHAOS, plus individual tickets for the Fri/Sat films are on sale Mon Jan 28 from 10am. Price: £11.00. £8.80 concessions.



And you can buy me a drink in the bar if you like.

it'll be all fright on the night (and the following two days obviously).

Yup it's that time of year when Team Frightfest make their way oop nerth to 'sunny' Glasgow for their annual weekend of blood, sweat and fears and I recycle the last god knows how many previews so I don't have to come up with any new patter.

It's not like anyone reads this so frankly I can't see the point.

Anyway on with the show.

And by show I mean looking forward to what films are on obviously.

This year’s line-up of 13 films spanning 10 countries, four continents and 12 different hairstyles kicks off on the now traditional Thursday evening slot in a scare-tastic style with the big screen adaptation of Andy Nyman and Jeremy Dyson's Ghost Stories.

Adapted from the stage show of the same name it stars Martin (the man in the romantic phone ads) Freeman alongside Paul ('Brilliant!') Whitehouse and tells the sinister story of Professor Philip Goodman (Nyman), a renowned sceptic of the supernatural who is given the opportunity to investigate three case histories of baffling paranormal activity, uncovering mysteries beyond his own imagination that lead to a shockingly personal nightmare style conclusion.

Or so the official blurb says.

Expect scares, chairs and quality facial hair from Mr Nyman.

"I am not a number!"

There's just enough time for a change of underwear before we meet The Lodgers (not literally tho' it's just the films title) in this gothic tale we're introduced to (again not literally, only on screen) orphaned twins Rachel (Charlotte - American Assassin - Vega) and Edward (Bill Milner - young Magneto in X-Men: First Class) who live alone in their crumbling family estate, except that is at night when the house becomes the domain of a sinister presence that enforces three rules upon them.

Bed by midnight, no outsiders past the threshold and any solo escape attempt will put the other twin in jeopardy.

Which bizarrely is near enough the same rules I had as a kid except we had a fourth one about not wanking in the butter but I digress.

But a troubled war veteran (is there any other kind?) who is mysteriously drawn to Rachel is about to test the rules to the limit.

And hopefully get a glimpse of ankle for his trouble.

Stairs.

Friday brings us (the audience) the UK premiere of Dragos Buliga’s The Wanderers: Quest of the Demon Hunter that features Judge Dredd's evil twin Armand Assante as Louis, the most famous ghost and demon hunter in the world who, as we meet him, is traveling to the infamous Zalesky Castle in Romania alongside an Israeli journalist, a Romanian guide and a Korean television reality show team in to untangle the evil secrets lurking at the dark heart of this frightened community.

Think Dudley but with better teeth.

Fire.

Next up is Kelly Greene’s pastiche of 50's monster movies and all things Corman Attack of the Bat Monsters, where we join schlock impresario Francis Gordon as his intrepid crew as they attempt to shoot an impromptu monster movie in the three days left over from the film they’ve just wrapped.

From the Saul Bass opening title homage to its highly authentic, comic evocation of 1950s’ grade-Z grindhouse, the movie ended up lost behind the directors sofa shortly after it was made in 1999.

But ace restorer and armchair collector Mark Rance (who brought Tobe Hooper’s Eggshells to FrightFest 2010 and once bought me a pickled egg in a train station) found it when shopping for a new footstool and has lovingly refurbished it under writer/director Kelly Greene’s supervision and steely gaze.

Hands/teeth.

It's time for a quick wee and maybe a smoke before Robin Aubert’s The Ravenous (or Les Affamés as the French speakers amongst us call it) is let loose on an unsuspecting audience.

Unless that is they've read a programme and know what films are coming up.

Tho' someone may change the order for a laugh.

Who knows?

As a pesky zombie apocalypse ravages Canada (the thought of anything at all happening in Canada is scary enough) the surviving residents of rural Quebec wait patiently for any assistance from the government but as it becomes more and more likely that no-one is coming (to help that is, I'm sure a couple of the townsfolk are actually quite aroused by an undead invasion) the survivors must figure things out for themselves, even if it means risking a hideous death.

Saying that I'd risk certain death if it meant I could even lightly touch the skirt hem of the librarian-like star of the film, the pixie-like Monia Chokri so this maybe my fave movie of the whole weekend.

Monia Chokri: Smooth, milky thigh.

And how do you follow a French speaking zombie shocker I hear you cry, well with  Xavier (Frontier(s) and The Divide) Gens  love letter to HP Lovecraft and amphibious fondling Cold Skin.

Phew, glad that's sorted.

At the dawn of the First World War a young man named Friend (David Oakes who'll always be there for you) arrives at a desolate Antarctic Circle lighthouse to take up the post of weather observer but soon discovers that a race of amphibious humanoids live nearby, rising from the sea every night to attack him and his grumpy lighthouse keeper companion, Gruner (the always watchable Ray Stevenson).

I'm expecting The Shape of Water but with added gore and fish fanny if I'm honest.
And that's not a bad thing.

"She-Fish in mah mooth!"

Friday closes with the European premiere of Primal Rage.

No not the one based on the video game starring The Rock and a big monkey but a scary Sasquatch shocker from special effects icon and former Hulk hunter Patrick (Jurassic Park III, Evolution, Spider-Man) McGee.

Lost deep in the forest of the Pacific Northwest, Ashley (Casey Cagliardi) and her ex-convict husband Max (Andrew Joseph Montgomery) find themselves being stalked by a terrifying creature the locals call Oh-Mah.

Tho' not by The O Men from BBC TV's Jigsaw which is probably for the best.

Soon they find themselves forced to face not only nature’s harshness but a band of unsavory hunters (who will most likely try to touch Ashley's bum whilst leering a lot) as they become embroiled in a life and death battle against a Native American legend made flesh.

And fur obviously.

Pure ragin'.

Time for bed now as we steal 40 winks (and the shoes of the person asleep two rows in front) to prepare us for a scary Saturday starting with Paul Urkijo’s Basque fantasy fairytale The Blacksmith and the Devil.

Ten years after Spanish Civil War (well one of them), orphan Usue (Uma Bracaglia) seeks to escape from her abusive guardians and the general shittiness of the local villagers.

When her beloved doll is stolen, it ends up at the property of Patxi (Kandido Uranga) a lonely and feared blacksmith who is the keeper of a terrifying secret.

A horrible truth that Usue innocently reveals.

Which sounds good.

Laugh now.

After all that darkly disturbing subtitle reading it's back to basics with the origin story of Gillian Holroyd's cat and familiar in the film Bell, Book and Candle = Pyewacket.

Or the title may just be a reference to one of the familiar spirits of a witch detected by the Witchfinder General Matthew Hopkins.

Either way Adam MacDonald's tale of angst-ridden teenage girl (is there any other type?) Leah (Nicole Muñoz, last seen taking a bath with some aliens in Defiance) upset after the death of her dad (or is it the dad of her death?) performs a blood incantation calling on the devil to kill her mother.

As you do.

Changing her mind almost immediately she soon realizes she can’t reverse the curse and an unholy presence now stalks them both.

Spooky.

Nicole Muñoz in a bath yesterday.

 After all the demon-based badness it's time for some good old fashioned human hatred with Gabriela Amaral Almeida’s Friendly Beast, which is surprisingly neither friendly or beast based.

It's nearly closing time at a struggling restaurant and all the staff want is to go home.

As they tidy up and grab their coats the restaurant owner sits alone in the back office struggling with money troubles and a desire for more control in his life.

Enter two robbers, the catalyst for a violent situation, which the boss is initially able to contain and even gain the upper hand, unfortunately tho' the already dangerous and explosive situation takes a turn for the worse and as sides are taken all those involved begin to engage in the most abhorrent behaviour imaginable.

Which probably means lots of mooth shite-in.

I hope.

Tie me up, tie me down.

If that puts you off dining out the Adam Marcus' Christmas kill-fest Secret Santa may put you off turkey and stuffing for life, telling as it does the sorry story of  
the Pope family’s Christmas Eve dinner where everything goes horribly (and hilariously) wrong when someone puts something in the party punch causing everyone to tell the unvarnished truth at the already dysfunctional holiday reunion.

When the head of the household turns psycho, the scene is set for murderous mayhem and raw revenge as the family reveal their long-buried hatreds and festering loathings.

Just like my Christmases as a child.

Blood on mah face.

Mexican writer/director Issa Lopez brings us her magical (and disturbing) story of five young urchins making the best of their daily struggle to survive on the streets as they are caught in the unceasing cartel crossfire of the ongoing violent drug war in Mexico in her third feature Tigers Are Not Afraid next, which if I'm honest seems way too serious for me to take the piss out of with childish captions so I'll move straight on to Neil Mackay’s home-based Turkey Shoot/Running Man homage bloody Sixty Minutes to Midnight.

Tigers may not be afraid but she looks like she's about to shit herself.

It’s New Years Eve 1999 and former soldier Jack Darcy (Robert Nolan minus his singing sisters) wakes to find himself mysteriously entered into a murderous new TV game show.

He has sixty minutes to kill or be killed by a group of strange armed men who’ve surrounded his house but what his would-be assassins haven’t realised is that Jack has learnt a few tricks from his military days.

He has a hidden bunker full of weapons and he isn’t going down without a vicious fight.

Or at the very least a violent bumming.

Peow!

See you all on Thursday 1st March in Nice N Sleazy for pre-movie drinks then?

But until then here are some more pics of Nicole Muñoz in the bath.

Enjoy.

the morning after the fright before (part 2).

Saturday's Full day of frights kicked off with a movie that promised to do for sharks what Jimmy Savile did for children's dreams....

Cage Dive (Australia 2017)
Director: Gerald Rascionato.
Cast: Joel Hogan, Josh Potthoff, Megan Peta Hill, Suzanne Dervish-Ali and some sharks.....hang on, how can it have a cast list if it's meant to be real? THEY LIED TO US!

Deciding to film an audition tape for submission to an extreme reality game show three really fucking annoying Californians - Jeff (Wannabe real life He-Man toy Hogan), his brother Josh (Potthoff) and Jeff’s girlfriend Megan (the rabbit-like Peta Hill) travel to Australia in order to document themselves taking part in a wee bout of shark cage diving.


As well as film themselves getting pissed, having parties etc because we all know how enjoyable that is to watch.

But while on the dive, a catastrophic turn of events leaves them in baited water full of hungry Great White Sharks and turns there audition tape into a snotty nosed survival cum bitching diary.

Shite in mah mooth....if only to brighten up this movie.

Obviously the chance of being eaten by sharks at any moment isn't exciting enough so director Gerald Rascionato adds a heart condition and a two-timing fiancée to the mix.

As well as an incredibly hilarious scene where Megan attempts to warm up a fellow survivor with a rescue flare.

Because as we know girls are rubbish in stressful situations.

Frankly I feel sorry for the sharks that have to eat these narcissistic no marks.

Avoid.

But if you really must see Americans getting stuck in a cage whilst fighting sharks check out Johannes Roberts frankly fantastic In The Deep (AKA 47 Meters Down) instead.

If they ever decide to release it that is.

From found footage shocks to pretty frocks now with.....

Fashionista (USA 2016)
Dir: Simon Rumley.
Cast: Amanda Fuller, Ethan Embry, Alex Essoe and Eric Balfour.

"I can see your house from here Peter!"

After Red, White and Blue and Johnny Garrett’s Last Word comes mighty bearded director Simon Rumley’s third Austin, Texas based shocker.

A hypnotic and bracing exploration of identity, body image and transformation via the wacky world of vintage clothing where hipster shop owners April and Eric (Fuller and Embry) find their marriage on rocky ground when she begins to suspect her husband of having an affair.

When her suspicions are confirmed, April seeks sexual validation with the mysterious and kinky Randall setting off a chain reaction of stylish fever dream madness, fantasy role-playing and chic ultra-shriek that's less Blue Velvet more Blue Broderie Anglaise.

See what I did there?

Unfolding like a particularly complex origami ostrich, Rumley's most accomplished movie to date is a harrowing and heartbreaking homage to the genius of Nicholas Roeg, wearing it's obviously proud influences on its finely tailored sleeve.

See it.

Now.

Bloodlands (Australia/Albania 2016)
Dir: Steven Kastrissios.
Cast: Gëzim Rudi, Emiljano Palali, Alesia Xhemalaj and Suela Bako.

The community centre stage version of Die Hard went down a storm with the under 12's.

The first ever collaboration between Australia and Albania (if you don't count the sordid back alley sex session my Uncle Brian from Queensland had with an exchange student in the 80s) comes a bizarre Balkan-based kitchen sink drama cum ancient blood feud frightener written and directed by Steven Kastrissios, the man who gave us the genuinely disturbing The Horseman.

Shot on location in Abania - and in Albanian - and rooted in the very real phenomenon of blood feuds ( or ‘Kanun Lek’ laws) still plaguing the country (think Govan but with fewer pikeys), Bloodlands tells the tale of a struggling Albanian family led by local butcher Skender (Rudi), who struggling to to maintain order amongst his children - his daughter Iliriana (Xhemalaj) is planning to leave home for the bright lights of Italy and his son Artan (Emiljano Palali) is more interested in becoming a photographer than taking over his father’s shop - is thrust into a war with a family of forest-dwelling beggars , rumoured to be led by a vampiric witch.

Which is nice.

Did a search for the Bloodlands cast on Google to illustrate the review and this came up. According to the caption it's actress Alesia Xhemalaj in a pretty frock. Fair enough then.

Unfolding at a pace that could best be described as (very) leisurely Bloodlands blends domestic drama and supernatural scares in such a matter-of-fact way as to make it difficult to decipher to a viewer not totally au fait with Albanian culture, tho' that's not to say it isn't an enjoyable journey - just at times wee bit too meandering and alien to truly be affecting.

Tho' that probably says more about me than the film.

Still it's as intriguing as it is frustrating - fantastically played and utterly believable which bodes well for Kastrissios' next movie.

Plus Alesia Xhemalaj is very cute in a kinda homely way.

Detour (UK 2016)
Dir: Christopher Smith.
Cast: Tye Sheridan, Emory Cohen, Bel Powley and Stephen Moyer.

From Christopher (Creep, Severance, Black Death and Triangle) Smith, Detour finds law student Harper (Sheridan) suspecting his stepdad Vincent (Moyer) of causing the car crash that landed his mother in a coma so when a chance meeting with tough, tattooed redneck Johnny Ray and his girlfriend Cherry (pitch perfect performances from Cohen and Powley) gives him an opportunity to discover the truth our student pal begins a terrifying road trip of revenge and random violence.

Playing out like the evil sibling of 1998s Sliding Doors, Detour takes the basic premise of the classic  Patricia Highsmith novel Strangers On A Train (I'm sure that would make a great film) Smith's perfectly plotted, sexily shot and smartly edited little thriller is a joy from start to finish.

Next up was Raw - the film that'd had everyone ranting, raving and salivating in anticipation, Julia Ducournau's coming of age tale of vets, vegetarianism and cute cannibals that - according to its PR people - had made folk faint in the aisles at Cannes.

Tho' that may have been the smell of all that garlic and onion.

I must admit I was intrigued and not just because the lead actress looked uncannily like Cécile Fournier*.

Raw (France/Belgium 2016)
Dir: Julia Ducournau.
Cast: Garance Marillier, Ella Rumpf and Rabah Nait Oufella.

Lest we (well I) forget.

So, what's it all about then?

Justine (Marillier) a strict vegetarian, applies to vet school (which surprisingly isn't a brand new Channel 4 reality show) following on the family tradition started by her parents and her big (chinned) sister Alexia (Rumpf)  but after being forced to eat a rabbit’s liver as part of a bizarre - yet very continental - initiation ceremony begins to develop a hunger for (human) flesh.

Merde dans ma bouche française parfaitement formée

Mixing the usual French cinema tropes of open mouthed eating, ill fitting undies and bedsocks with endless scenes of sweaty, partying teens and a muddle message about teenage experimentation and innocence lost, Raw unashamedly plays to the arthouse crowd first and foremost concentrating more on dream-like images and hastily drawn stereotypes than gounding the fantastical tale in a semblance of reality that unfortunately dulls its impact somewhat.

Enjoyable enough but ultimately hollow and vacuous.

Unlike the aforementioned Ms Fournier obviously.


With a sad feeling of disappointment in my stomach (I'd only packed one packet of Quorn Cocktail Sausages for the whole day) I quickly headed outside for a sly fag in order to prepare myself for what promised to be the other killer movie of the weekend - Ben Young's pervy pedophile potboiler Hounds Of Love.

Excitement factor was high due to Australia presenting us with a couple of top quality frighteners over the last few years like the fantastic Wolf Creek, Rogue and The Loved One.

Saying that they foister the utter shite-cake that was The Babadook on us too so you can never too careful.

Hounds of Love (Australia 2016)
Dir: Ben Young.
Cast: Emma Booth, Ashleigh Cummings, Stephen Curry and Susie Porter.

"When I was a child
Running in the night
Afraid of what might be

Hiding in the dark
Hiding in the street
And of what was following me

Now get in the back of the fucking car so I can take you home, chain you to a bed and violate you with a table leg you whorish little cunt!"

"Troubled" teen (aren't they all?) Vicki (Home and Away's Cummings) after an argument with her recently divorced mum Maggie (Star Wars babe Hermione Bagwa herself Porter) sneaks out to attend a pals party one night when she's accosted on the way by the creepy John and Evelyn (Currie and Booth).

The pervy pair persuade Vicki to go home with them in order to buy some of 'the hash' but they have something else in mind, drugging the screwed-up schoolie  before tying her to a bed and using her as their own personal fuck-monkey.

Which isn't that unexpected really given the films synopsis.

We're Cortina trap.

Cue 90 minutes of screaming, dodgy mustaches, dog kicking and long, pleading looks as Vicki goes from victim to victor as she attempts to expose the cracks in the couple’s relationship.

Neither as nasty or blackly comic as The Loved Ones or Wolf Creek, Hounds of Love comes across as a great idea marred by so-so execution and a simplistic script that has 'mah weak wimmin' under the thumb of an (even weaker) man.

Performances are OK but the under-developed almost panto style, one dimensional characterizations and lack of development hamper what should be an uncomfortable and grueling watch and when the most cringe-inducing scene is the totally inappropriately and irony free use of Joy Division's Atmosphere over the closing scenes then you know you have problems.

The cast do their best but bless 'em it's an uphill struggle.

Which is all the more disappointing when you realize that the film is based on a truly harrowing real-life case ( that of David and Catherine Birnie) that's ripe for a full 'In Cold Blood' style psychological retelling. 

Plus it's difficult enough to lure young girls into cars without films like this getting made.

Probably.

And how do you follow that? I hear you cry.

Well with a wee bit more forced sex and violent violation.

But it's OK as this time it's strictly for laughs.

Night of the Virgin (Spain 2016)
Dir: Roberto San Sebastián.
Cast: Javier Bódalo, Miriam Martín and Víctor Amilibia.

It's New Years Eve and the nerdy and naïve Nico (Bódalo) is out on the town and determined to lose his virginity.

He should have just hung about suburban Perth and looked out for John and Evelyn for tips seeing as his attempts at seduction ultimately end with him getting vomit covered shoes.

Bless.

Despondent and desperate for a diddling he finally comes across (not in that way, well not yet) uber MiLF Medea (Martín) and before he knows what’s happening he’s back at her filthy flat surrounded by sinister Asian artifacts and crawling cockroaches as an ancient prophecy prepares to rear its ugly head.

And if that wasn't enough there's a rowdy party of homosexualists upstairs and a very jealous ex-boyfriend waiting in the wings.

Roberto San Sebastián’s feature debut is a slick, sick semen drenched, shit stained comedy of (t)errors that proudly vies for the title of most digustingly disturbing movie ever.

And there's something to be admired about a film that's so honest.

At 2 hours the film is oh-so slightly overlong, leaving the viewer as exhausted as poor Nico after his arse destroying birthing of a blackened beast of Hell but it's heart is in the right place and I'd rather a movie deliver too much that not enough.

Especially when the director is in attendance showering the screen with abuse and comedy asides.

To be honest every film could probably be improved by this.

In parts massively enjoyable and slightly frustrating Night of The Virgin bodes well for the teams next foray into body (fluid) horror and I for one will be at the front of the queue.

A perfect end to a wonderful weekend.

Same time next year guys?

 *If you don't know this story already you can find out more here. I'll warn you tho' I'll probably keep on about this till she gets in touch.

the morning after the fright before.

Slowly recovering from another glorious Glasgow Frightfest weekender and with a window in my oh so hectic work schedule I thought I'd actually pop some mini-reviews together within a few days of it finishing, unlike the usual 6 months later.

Not that anyone reads this anyway.

So prepare yourselves dear reader(s) for a wacky weekend where teen vamps and hunted tramps, radioactive beasts and Spanish (untranslated) tweets sit muckily alongside a variety of bloodthirsty killers, bearded blokes with dodgy tattoos and instantly forgettable found footage fodder.

Oh yes and an incredibly obnoxious arse of a man who complained that my hair was getting in the way of him reading the subtitles during Shin Gojira so could I get it cut before Saturday?

Just because you have a head like a freshly shaved testicle doesn't mean you should take it out on me.

And as an added incentive to read the reviews will be much shorter than normal due to more more able folk being their who can actually string sentences together.

"I can't see the film can you lift me up?"

First up tho' a thousand apologies to Gore Verbinski (and fans of big-chinned, button-nosed babes writhing around naked in baths of eels) because I totally missed A Cure for Wellness due to being in a pub watching a rather fantastic band whose name escapes me right now.

Tho' if any members are reading this email me and I'll give you a plug.

Or a wee kiss.

Can't say much fairer than that can I?

Apart from I missed Phantasm: Remastered too (tho' not Phantasm 2 which I saw the opening night at a slightly scary cinema outside Dudley) but did make up for it by watching it when I got home.

I even cleaned my glasses to give it that polished up feel.

But it's Phantasm - you don't need me to tell you how fucking brilliant it is.

And with that it's with the Friday good and proper, beginning with director Matthias Hoene's big budget kid friendly French-Chinese funded kung-Fu caper...

The Warrior’s Gate (France/China 2016)
Dir: Matthias Hoene.
Cast: David Bautista, Sienna Guillory, Mark Chao, Ni Ni and Uriah Shelton.

Worlds skinniest teen Jack Flatley (Shelton), spends his free time (when he's not being bullied at school or trying to help his recently divorced mum pay the bills by working for a kindly Chinese guy who's definitely not Stephen Chow) playing the video games with his portly pal Dave in order to escape the drudgery of life.

One day tho' after a fairly enjoyable BMX chase (no really) his boss bequeaths him a magical wooden washing basket.

Which would be a pretty shitty gift if it didn't have the power to open a spooky space/time portal that leads to ancient China.

Trump better not find out about it.

Visited one evening by fearsome warrior bloke Jeff Zhao (Chao) who on mistaking our teen pal for the character he plays online leaves the cute as a (Communist) button Empress-in-waiting Su Lin (Ni Ni) in his care.

Why did this never happen to me as a teen?

It appears that evil barbarian king Arun the Cruel (Bautista) has killed her father and now wishes to marry Su Lin in order to take over the whole kingdom.

Being a bit shit outside of the game poor Jack is easily overcome (tho' not cum over it's only a 12) by a gang of Arun's men who stream out of the box one night and kidnap the Empress.

Realizing that he'll never pull anyone so attractive in real-life our hero quickly follows them into the past, teaming up with Zhao and a oh-so slightly camp wizard in a flying hat and heads off to adventure.

Will our heroic trio be able to defeat the bad men and rescue the girl?

"Here come The Belgians!"

Director Matthias Hoene's brightly coloured, bilingual blend of 80s kids classics (BMX Bandits, Labyrinth and The Karate Kid come to mind) The Warriors Gate is the kind of popcorn adventure movie you adored as a 12 year old - which is probably why it annoyed a few of the virgin neckbeards in the audience, reminding them as it did that they will never feel the touch of a woman and therefore never have kids.

Well not in that way.

Personally I loved it, true the 'heroes quest' seemed a wee bit easy - stopping every few minutes in order to meet a witch (or three) or monster then learn a lesson -  but it's heart was in the right place and the cast (especially 'Big' David Bautista) seemed to be having a ball.

And Ni Ni's costumes were really pretty.

Plus she has the milkiest, smoothest thighs I have ever seen on the big screen.

A perfect Saturday afternoon movie to watch with your kids and unashamedly entertaining, frothy fun that would actually make a pretty cool TeeVee series.

From ancient China to the deserts of Nevada now as we discover that....

It Stains the Sands Red (USA 2016)
Director: Colin Minihan.
Cast: Brittany Allen, Juan Riedinger and Merwin Mondesir.

But doesn't live in a pineapple under the sea unfortunately.

Tight-vested vagabond Nick (Mondesir) and his bright-legging loving GF Molly (A brilliant performance from Allen) are desperate to escape a horrendous flesh-eating apocalypse - as opposed to a non-horrendous happy one - via the scenic Nevada desert.

When forced to stop so that a pissed up/coke smashed Molly can throw up Nick is attacked and killed by a lone zombie (Riedinger) who then proceeds to chase the poor girl thru the desert.

With only a few bottles of water and half a pint of vodka for company our high as a kite heroine must attempt to outrun a stalker who has no need of rest.

Or even to stop for a wee.

In a world gone mad Molly begins to realize that this creeping cadaver is now her only link to reality and a relationship - of sorts - begins to blossom between the two. 

A kinda Romero-wrapped Waiting For Godot - or even Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are (un)Dead - this fantastically played (and perfectly paced) two-handerthat has fun with it's concept - and those well worn zombie tropes - ultimately becoming much more than just another undead flick.

Veering from creepy chase movie to buddy comedy via family drama ISTSR is the freshest spin on the zombie genre since The Battery.

True it really should end about 10 minutes before it actually does - the added coda really adds nothing but a wee bit of visual spectacle to the proceedings but thanks to the sheer enjoyment value of everything that's gone before you can forgive it.

This deserves to be seen by a much wider audience.

By that I mean more people not fatter ones.

"I'm not really a welder!"

Next up was a film I was kinda worried about seeing as the publicity material I'd read described it as "A nihilistic meditation on millennial angst and the defense mechanisms needed to protect the vulnerable spirit." which frankly usually means arthouse arse as far as I'm concerned.

I mean Rubber anyone?

So imagine how great it feels when you get proven totally wrong.

The Transfiguration (US, 2016)
Director: Michael O’Shea.
Cast: Eric Ruffin, Chloe Levine and Aaron Moten.

Orphaned African-American teen Milo (A fantastically underplayed performance from Ruffin) in an attempt to escape his depressing life of school, bullying and bothersome brother business decides to drench himself (quite literally) in vampire lore gleaned from such horrors as Nosferatu,  Let the Right One In, The Lost Boys and Near Dark.

His bedroom is covered with posters, his cupboards stuffed with VHS tapes whilst  his journals detail his research and rules regarding the undead.

His (fairly unusual) lifestyle is changed forever tho' when he meets his new neighbour Sophie (A brilliantly Bambi eyed turn from Levine), a strangely wise yet innocent girl who has moved in upstairs to live with her violent grandfather.

What can I say about Michael O'Shea's directorial debut other than it's one of the best and most affecting vampire movies I've seen and one of my favourite films of this year.

Vintage vampiric cinematic gold.

See it.


Shin Godzilla (Japan 2016)
Dir: Hideaki Anno and Shinji Higuchi.
Cast: Hiroki Hasegawa, Yutaka Takenouchi, Satomi Ishihara, the lovely Mikako Ichikawa and Gojira.

The first Japanese Godzilla movie since 2004's Godzilla: Final Wars, Shin - literally meaning 'pure' - Godzilla (the 31st film in the Godzilla franchise, the 29th Godzilla film produced by Toho, and Toho's third reboot of the franchise fact fans) sees The King of the Monsters majestic return to the big screen in a film that has more in common with Ishiro Honda's original 1954 original than any other that have proceeded it.

And for that we should worship at the feet of directors Hideaki (Neon Genesis Evangelion) Anno and Shinji (Sinking of Japan, Attack On Titan) Higuchi.

Remembering the originals nightmarish take on Hiroshima and Nagasaki thru' the medium of giant radioactive monsters, Shin Gojira evokes memories of the 2011 Tōhoku earthquake with its ensuing tsunami plus the meltdown at the Fukushima reactor whilst cheekily taking jabs at the Japanese and American governments along the way as the movie mutates into a kind of Yes Minister Monster Mayhem mash-up.

Disliked by those sad individuals whose only exposure to Gojira seemed to be the '98 US reboot or the latter Toho output where he dances whilst punching fuck out of a variety of ever more ludicrous antagonists (or just Godzilla's Return) - to those of us who fell in love with the grainy black and white original at an early age this film is the ultimate in Kaiju Kino.

"Fiona! Where's mah lunch?"

Rounding of the first (full) day of Frightfest was Joe Dietsch and Louie Gibson’s mash-up of Turkey Shoot and The Most Dangerous Game via The Purge....

Happy Hunting (USA 2016)
Dir: Joe Dietsch and Louie Gibson.
Cast: Martin Dingle Wall, Ken Lally, Kenny Wormald and Connor Williams.

Happy Hunting is the tale of piss-stained drifter Warren Novak (Dingle Wall) who, after receiving news that his old girlfriend has died leaving him a young daughter he never knew he had heads off to Mexico to make things right.

Pursued  by a couple of dodgy drug types after a meth-lab love-in ends in a messy shoot out our pissed pal ends up in the small town of Bedford Flats looking for a bed and a burger before heading on his way he's surprised to discover that the locals enjoy nothing better than rounding up drifters and hunting them as part of an elaborate sporting event.

Nicely played and confidentially directed, Happy Hunting is an enjoyable enough movie but just lacks that certain something to make it a great one.

Probably a giant lizard or some such.

"He did WHAT in his cup?"

With Friday night over there was just enough time to sample the friendly Glasgow nightlife before heading to bed in order to be refreshed for what promised to be a day packed with some of the best horror movies ever made.

Oh and...

Laters.