leathery balls.

I sometimes get emails complaining that there isn't enough sport featured on this blog.

Or girls with massive chins.

But mainly it's folk just wishing me dead.

Or things like this:

Which is nice.

So with everyone gripped by 'the World Cup fever' as they say I reckoned now would be the time to jump on that bandwagon and hopefully get some new readers/sponsorship/money.

I can but dream.

So as all you 'soccer' fans say:

"Come on the reds!"

Or something.

And yes I know I repost this every time there's a major football tournament on but what do you expect for free?

Sing gum zhook kao (AKA Sexy Soccer, 2004)
Dir: Sik Hok Min (Yup, that's right - THE Sik Hok Min)
Cast: Au Yeung, Carmen Yeung and lots of other people but I've discovered that no-one actually reads the cast list bit, they go straight to the movie poster that's usually right below.

Professional sleazy guy Terry Rolando (Yeung, probably) is having a wee bit of bad luck culminating with a run in with the local loan shark.

You see he'd made a huge bet on his fave team winning the football championship cup (or something....as you can probably tell, I'm not really the sporty type) but guess what?

Yup, they lost.

Feeling generous the loan shark decides against cutting his throat and instead offers him one last chance to come up with the cash.

With no idea as to what he could do to raise the money Rolando decides to go watch a football match to get a wee bit of inspiration.

It's there that whilst enjoying the game his eyes are draw to a brash n' busty jogger bouncing by him at half time.

Rolando sees this as a message from God telling him to form an all female football team (named Friendly Balls) to compete against the all male squads, with the ladies uses their 'sexy bodies' to distract the testosterone fueled male players.

How this would work is never fully explained (much the same way as the loan shark storyline never re-appears) but, we've been promised scantily clad and sexy girls playing football so let's stick with it and see if it delivers.

Same shit....different smell.

Anyway back to the plot (which I will cover quickly so I can eradicate any memory of this film from my head), everything starts swimmingly with much training footage of girls jogging in tiny shorts and shots of sweaty ladies jumping on the spot as Rolando's plan seems to be foolproof enough for him to actually have a chance of winning whatever he's meant to win (I don't really care).

Unfortunately his arch rival Dennis gets wind of his plan and has a secret weapon of his own....

You see, he's secretly been training a team of homosexualists to play against the ladies in the final.

The rotter!

When all seems lost tho' our hero comes up with his greatest plan yet.

Remembering that 'the gays' like arse he gets all the ladies to flash their bum cheeks at them, instantly curing them of their gayness and thus enabling the girls to win.

Gary Lineker and your mum.

Effectively that's it as far as the movies plot goes, with half of the film being a shameful excuse to see a handful of fairly attractive young ladies with bored looks on their faces (and one with a chin like an ironing board) prancing around in tight tops and tiny seventies style shorts wiggling and jiggling like they're have a stroke.

But not in a good way like when Helen Robinson had hers in Neighbours.

What he said.

The remainder of this epic consists of endless scenes of Rolando (dressed like your dad) having sex with the team ( either in reality or 'hilarious' dream sequences) in the most disturbing scenes in cinema since Harvey Keitel cracked one off over that car door in The Bad Lieutenant'.

True there's and almost obscene amount of nudity (plus sex scenes that border on hardcore) but it's a bit like watching a video of your parents having sex.

In your bed.

And trust me on this when I tell you that's not a nice feeling.

No idea if she's in the movie but this picture came up when I was searching for the poster so thought it'd be a shame if I didn't share it.

Saying that tho' at least Harvey looked like he was enjoying himself (as did my folks), Yeung on the other hand keeps pulling comedy 'cum' faces whilst making grabbing actions toward the unfortunate actresses breasts.

For Minutes at a time we're subjected to this in extreme close-up, it's almost as if he's possessed your teevee and is desperately trying to escape to do bad things to you.

And your mum.

And your mum's dog.

Twice.

I will admit that the film does have a few stand out moments, mainly showcasing the total ineptitude of those involved, including a fantastic bit in which one of the team actually stops speaking to look off-camera at the director for reassurance before continuing the scene.

Buy this film now and see how many you can spot.

It'd be much easier than trying to spot any of the films promised 'sexy' moments.

They can't be arsed why should I?

Market to us foreign devils as a kinky version of the classic Steven Chow comedy Shaolin Soccer, this is more Benny Hill than Jimmy Hill, replacing the formers knockabout comedy, musical numbers and martial arts mayhem with copious amounts of spotty arses, crap Cosby sweaters and a plethora of frankly arse numbing sexual shenanigans that only seem exist in order to pad out the movie's meager running time.

Worth it if you're bored to a point of suicide, find horse faced Chinese folk attractive or if you don't have a girlfriend.

Or like football obviously.

mandate.

So James Gunn's take on Superman is now out  but the twin engines of destruction are out at a dance performance so I wont get to see it till next week.

So I'll just watch this instead.

The Super Inframan (中國超人. 1975).
Dir: Hua Shan.
Cast: Danny Lee, Wang Hsieh, Terry Lau, Yuan Man-tzu, Bruce Le, Kong Yeung,
Dana Shum, Lin Wen-wei, Lu Sheng and Fanny Leung.

Rayma, now you are filled with power and energy! For you, nothing will be an impossibility! Your senses are intensified, so you can even see and hear through walls!

It's the futuristic - for 1975 - year 2015 (which is now the past, spooky) and the  primary 2 class from the Mary Bell junior school are heading home after a hard days clipping 'up west' but as the excitedly look forward to snacks and pop their joyful bus-based songs are rudely interrupted when what looks like a huge, green plucked turkey drops from the sky onto the road in front of them shattering the concrete and causing the bus to screech to a halt and wee Jimmy to spill his Ribena.

As the fairly sexy supply teacher herds the kids to safety the crack-creating chicken attacks the bus sending it and its unfortunate driver off the edge of a cliff.

But that's not the only thing causing havoc on this wet Wednesday afternoon as all across Hong Kong - and maybe even the world - natural disasters are occurring: everything from earthquakes to previously dormant volcano exploding via your mum burning her souffle, the whole planet is in chaos.

Lucky for us, the bewigged and (pube) bearded boffin and part-time Dave Lee Travis alike Professor Brian Liu Ying De (A Better Tomorrow's Wang) and his world renowned - and silver jumpsuit clad - Super Science Headquarters team is on the case.
 

"Are you looking at my bra?"

 Scanning the local area for any clues as to what's happening the team are surprised when the nearby Devil's Mountain explodes revealing a huge carved dragon skull cum secret base entrance from which steps the sinisterly sexy sorceress resplendent in a huge silver dragon hat and matching bikini top, thigh boots and carrying a whip in her dragon headed right hand.

I don't know why but I think she may like dragons.

Demon Princess Elizebub (or Princess Dragon Mom as the dubbed version amusingly calls her and played to thigh slapping perfection by Terry Liu, best known for her performance as the tight uniformed and knee-high booted lesbian warden Mako in Bamboo House of Dolls) for this is she, shoutily informs the team that from this day forth she is the Earth’s new master and we must either surrender and live as her playthings or be destroyed.

Well I know which I'd choose.

Even thinking about it would probably kill you.

Anyway to prove her point she unleashes her leather-clad skeleton army and assorted mutant types including a huge Plasticine monstrosity with drills for hands,, a big red pompom with horns that can fire laser beams from its arse, a tentacled plant monster, the crab suit left over from Space Amoeba and a pair of metal men with spring loaded limbs to wreak havoc and cause general mayhem around the local area, pissing in phone boxes, tying the swings around the crossbar so no-one can use them and knocking on doors before running off - you get the idea.

Helping her to organise the attack - as well as keeping everyone fed and watered -  is her second-in-command, the sultry Ms Witch-Eye (Shum from Golgo 13: Assignment Kowloon), a kinda sexy space secretary cum junior despot in a cycling helmet and eyeballs in the palm of her hands that fire hypnotizing laser bolts when needed.

Which is nice.

"Eye hen!"

Is there anyone who can defeat these monsters?

Luckily in his spare time the Professor has been beavering away on a top secret project - code-named: BDX it has the ability to transform a normal human into a bionic, red latexed super-hero.

This can be achieved, he explains, by wiring the subjects arms and legs with powerful transistors and computerized parts, injecting them with a super serum and to top it off inserting a tiny nuclear reactor in their heads.

Unfortunately tho' the procedure is very painful.

Oh and may result in death.

Enter - roughly and from behind after jumping them in a dark alley - Jeff Rayma (Lee from the classic City On Fire) who eagerly volunteers to strip down to his pants and get tied to a table by a much older man in order to become the much more than human, if slightly less manly looking Infra-Man, defender of the Earth and scourge of all girl private schools everywhere.

The Ronco patented Anti-Wank bed was a great success in Owen Jones' house.

Cue 90 odd minutes of enough kicks and punches to make you want to sell your soul for a PaRappa the Rapper live action movie as Infra-Man and his pals battle everything from giant plant monsters whose massive foam vines attempt to smash the science base to brainwashed traitors in their midst via a bizarre subplot involving the Professor youngest daughters wish to become Infra-Woman when she's older.

And all performed by a cast of which the majority are wearing way too tight Bacofoil jumpsuits.

Here come the Belgians!

But it's not all fist fights tho' as after a couple of defeats at Infra-Man's hands, a fairly angry Elizebub sends the aforementioned brainwashed minion to steal the secrets of Infra-Man's power so that she too can build an invincible warrior prompting the Professor to upgrade our hero (nothing too fancy mind, just adding Thunderball Fists that can be launched from his wrists, alongside a deadly solar attack device that kills instantly, a 'lethal flame kick' embedded in his Cuban heels and lastly a set of mini-rockets place just above his tummy in the off-chance that anyone uses a freeze ray on him at any point - like that'll happen) in preparation for the final battle.

But whilst all this science shit is going down Elizebub has kidnapped the Professor's beautiful daughter Liu Mei-mei (the button-nosed Yuan Man-tzu from The Clones of Bruce Lee) and is threatening to kill her (to death) if the Professor doesn't surrender himself and his secrets.

Laugh now.

 As so begins a race against time (and good taste) to save not only the Professor and his daughter but humanity itself from the slender clutches of the Demon Princess Elizebub.

Will the traitor be uncovered?

Will Infra-Man lose his power when the sun is blocked out even tho' he's allegedly got a nuclear reactor embedded in his skull?

Will Demon Princess Elizebub turn back into a chicken for the stunning final battle?

Will there be a sequel? *

There's only one way to find out cos I'm not telling.

Obviously 'inspired' (you think?) by Tsuburaya Productions utterly fantastic Ultra series - even going so far as re-using Toru Fuyuki's score from Ultra Seven - as well as the daikaiju and kyodai hīro genres - still - so popular in Japan, this Shaw Brothers epic has the distinction of being not only the very first Superhero movie made in Hong Kong but the first film promoted there using a hot air balloon.

Which I'm sure you'll agree is a useful fact to know.

2025 world politics in a nutshell.

Confidently directed by HK cinema stalwart Hua Shan (who would later go on to give us such classic Fayre as Kung Fu Zombie, Jade Claw, Ghost Killer and Dreams of Eroticism) from a script by the prolific science fiction author and script writer Ni Kuang (responsible for, among other things, writing One-Armed Swordsman, The Assassin and Crippled Avengers as well as the Bruce Lee starrer Fist of Fury) and produced by the legendary Runme Shaw, Infra-Man works best because it unashamedly embraces it's Japanese inspirations rather than just blatantly ripping them off, even going as far as hiring Ekisu Productions - famed for their work on many a Toei superhero series - to supply the sets and monster costumes as well as designing and building Infra-Man himself which all adds a certain legitimacy to the proceedings that something like Juan Piquer Simón's 1980 superhero misfire Supersonic Man lacks plus the acting is top notch and played with eye-rolling conviction by everybody onscreen.

As a bizarre side-note, Bruce Le - who plays the brainwashed Lu Hsiao-Lung - has a cameo in Juan Piquer Simón's classic Pieces as a Kung Fu teacher with a dodgy tummy.

Tho' this coincidence may not be related to his later arrest for tax evasion.

"Put it in me!"

Talking of actors, kudos to not only the frankly fantastic Terry Liu but also to Wang Hsieh who manages to give his portrayal of Professor Liu Ying De a quiet dignity and earnest believability whilst all the time clad in a silver labcoat two sizes too small and wearing a pound shop Elvis wig and comedy beard. 

And as the eponymous hero himself Danny Lee is all bowl-haired, boys own bravado, holding his own against an evermore outlandish array of monsters or when being forced to lie naked - save for a big nappy - on a pool table whilst being injected with food colouring.

It's a job I suppose.

The Howard's Way remake looks a bit shit.

Top quality super-heroics lovingly wrapped in a big bow of brightly coloured goodness, I mean what's not to love?

Recommended.

Twice.






































*Unfortunately not.

shitty titty bang ban.

Re-reviewing this classic partly because I'm bored but mainly because the original review was blocked by Blogger due to someone saying it contained real violence.

Which is nice.

To be honest it's partly the reason the Arena has been a wee bit quiet of late as it seems to be getting targeted by dozens of reports/complaints/inappropriate content warnings.

No idea who I've fucked off but heyho at least it makes them happy.

Simon....Bates.

Anyway as some of you might be aware, around this time of year I usually visit the Fatherland to catch up with the infamous Lord Jay, he of the Mad Foxes/masturbation story and proud owner of genuine quads for Razorback and A Nightmare On Elm Street (yes we are both THAT old, we even saw Evil Dead 2 and Day of the Dead at the cinema on the first day of release).

Unfortunately I've not been able to do that this year due to work stuff, illness and the crushing mundanes of modern life tho' it did get me wondering if I could ever find a modern(ish) equivalent of the Foxes that I could secretly pop into the post to him so that he could relive those heady days of untamed gore and unacceptable levels of sexual violence, but this time without the fears of parents walking in mid shandy.

My friends, I may have found it.

In our local Chinese restaurant of all places, whilst ordering our wedding anniversary meal, in a pile of VCD's on the counter.

Right next to the signed piccie of Jordan Chan.

On the downside it didn't have any subtitles so excuse any inconsistencies (or stuff just made up for 'comedy' effect) herein.

Leng xue ren lang (AKA Laang huet yan long, Cold Blooded Ape, The Bloody Beast, Horrible Mr. Tits, 1994).

Dir: Tak-Sing Tam and Chuen Yueng.
Cast: Lawrence Ng, Ka-Kui Ho, Siu-Ming Lau, and many others who should know better but not, surprisingly Anthony Wong who must have been busy or, God forbid, too expensive for this film.

Sickest thing about this is the logo colour scheme.

Bowl haired sad sack Chen Siu-Hsiong (Ng, the far eastern yet surprisingly less angular equivalent of Steve Carrell but with better hair) has had a pretty bad time of it in life.

You see after his dear mum die giving birth to his sister Ling, he's spent his entire life running around after both her and his sweaty piss stained father giving him no time to do normal stuff like look for a job, make friends, change his vest etc. leading to him becoming the laughing stock of the town and the perfect target for the bullying local children.

Even his dear old dad thinks he's an arse.

I know the feeling.

But if that wasn't enough to get him labeled 'Freaky Chen' by the local populace then the fact that a humiliating boyhood experience involving his auntie and breastfeeding has left him with a fetish for young, ample breasted mums just might.

Hmmm....this is beginning to sound quite autobiographical.

Probably.

Insert amusing caption here.

With that infodump out of the way it's time to start the movie good n' proper and with poor Chen banged up in prison and attempting to commit suicide by swallowing the contents of a dozen boxes of Persil washed down with his own urine.

Being the unlucky sod that he is tho', this - and further attempts on his life utilizing stuff like shoelaces, mousetraps, moldy bread etc - all lead to nowt, so pausing only to bite off a policeman's ear, Chen decides to sit nicely and share why he's been locked up for in the first place.

Pardon?

Cue the good old fashioned wibbly wobbly flashback effect which takes us via the power of the basic dissolve to Chen's bedroom where our misunderstood hero likes nothing better than to relax by masturbating over seventies breasted porn magazines whilst burning thru' the pictures of ladies front bums with a ciggie.

Which is unusual (if not a wee bit dangerous) to say the least.

I know what you're thinking, he just needs to lay off the constant wankfest, get out more and meet a real girl, that'd sort him out.

Well don't worry, because he already has.

Unfortunately, the girl of his (very wet n' wild) dreams is his sister.

So when he's not spunking like a beast and mutilating magazines, he's hiding in the cupboard spying on his sister bathing or when she's 'having the sex' with her hunky beau.

Whilst tearfully masturbating obviously.

Followed of course by a Pot Noodle.

Thinking about it in today's climate he'd probably be applauded for it and given his own TeeVee show whilst she'd be hounded as a bigot.

But I would never say that.

Jackie Chan, up the casino, 1983....YESCH.

After much deliberation (and a wee bit more wanking) or hero decides that all this younger sister/masturbation/dreams of genital mutilation stuff he's obsessed with is possibly a wee bit unhealthy (you think so?) so reckons that a couple of long, lazy country walks will clear his head and take his mind of things.

Amazingly this seems to do the trick, until that is, one afternoon whilst sitting minding his own business Chen spots a woman breastfeeding her baby in an idyllic forest clearing.

Thinking it'd be a waste of an erection not to do anything about it he has a wee shufty around to make sure the coast is clear before pleasuring himself in the afternoon sun.

It's getting quite romantic now isn't it?

Some soapy girls in spa tub yesterday.

Forgetting all about his sister (who is, if I'm honest fairly whiny, even if she does look not bad all soaped up) Chen starts to spend more and more time on his walks hoping for a quick flash of mummy pillow action.

Unfortunately it's not long before he's wanting to take an, ahem, more (much more) active role in the baby feeding process and to this end, armed only with his favourite DIY hammer, Chen sets off on a quest for breast.

You can so see where this is going can't you?

A very different type of 'cracking one off'.

Searching high and low for the perfect perky breasts Chen soon comes across (not in that way, well not yet) a chubby, pigtailed young mum minding her own business on a bench.

Unfortunately there's a babies massive head blocking his view.

Not to worry tho' because with a swift swing of his hammer and a great left foot the screaming bundle of joy is soon dispatched over a hedge leaving Chen free to gorge himself on mothers milk before murdering his victim.

And then having a quick diddle with the corpse.

Obviously.

Well it is a CAT III film so what do you expect?

"Are you the EU? We've had a referendum by mistake!"

Cashing in on the success of Lewis Herman Yau‘s classics of exploitation, Bunman and Yi boh laai beng duk (AKA Ebola Syndrome - both starring mentalist for hire Anthony Wong - Tak-Sing Tam and Chuen Yueng's epic exercise in bad taste is the kind of movie that any self respecting 14 year old living in 80's Britain would kill to own.

Tho' teenagers today would probably kill each other for a bag of sweets - I blame violent video games myself.

So I had the choice of a graphic image depicting
violence against women and children or a
picture of a woman taunting an angry dog....no contest really.

But it's not all boobs and bloodshed tho' because Leng xue ren lang is also chock full of quality 'comedy' turns - mainly from the clichéd fat and thin police duo you always get in HK thrillers - and it's the film's detective duo that steal every scene they're in with their one note performances and habit of dispensing either comedy one liners whilst administering severe beatings to various suspects and occasionally falling over in an amusing manner.

Best of all is a scene when, after recovering a sample of Chen's sperm from one of his victims arses - in glorious close-up obviously - they decide that the best way to get a DNA match is to make a cell of sweaty suspects masturbate furiously over copies of the Chinese equivalent of Hello Magazine.

Which kinda gives it the edge of Lewis doesn't it?

Hat.

The perfect romantic movie for those who enjoy a quiet night of nasty necrophilia, unsettling infanticide or support the Green Party.

chan-tastic.

A few years back I did a few of the wee drawings - and wrote some words - for writer Andy Ross' undead opus DEAD FUNNY : THE RISE OF THE ZOM-COM, a hardy paperback celebrating 30 years of the zombie-themed comedy, it re-traces the path that led to Edgar Wright's benchmark 2004 production, Shaun Of The Dead and features overviews of such classics as Return Of The Living Dead, BrainDead, Bio-Zombie, amongst others.

It's well worth a read and not just because of my contributions.

Tho' there is that.


And why am I telling you this?


Because this review is originally from there so if you like it you can buy it.*

And buy the movie too cos it's an absolute belter.

Bio-Zombie (1998).
Dir: Wilson Yip.

Cast: Jordan Chan, Sam Lee, Angela Tong, Emotion Cheung, Suk-Mui Tam, Yiu Cheung Lai, Frankie Chan and Bonnie Lai Suk-Yin.

Welcome to the whacked-out world of Woody Invincible (HK superstar and official mancrush Jordan Chan) and Crazy Bee (top drawer comedic sidekick Sam Lee), two  professional wide boys who make their money selling bootlegged DVDs at a small stall in the popular New Trend Plaza Mall.

When not selling knock off goods ("Tracking's dodgy mate!"), gambling and hitting teenager customers on the head they pass the time picking on bespectacled Sushi bar worker Loi (Cheung), avoiding run-ins with the grumpy  Mr. Kui (Cheung Lai) the owner of the mobile phone shop and, in Woody's case flirting with the button-nosed beautician Rolls (Tong) much to Loi's chagrin.

With the main characters introduced it's time to get down to the plot good and proper and catch up with a couple of nefarious black market arms dealers who are in the middle of selling a scary bio-weapon that turns people into the undead to a couple of sinister secret service types.

ABBA have let themselves go....

Obviously the shadowy government agency are interested in the weapon but insist on a demonstration and lo and behold the scary sellers just happen to have an infected zombie with them, which is kinda lucky I guess.

Their luck is about to run out tho' as no sooner is the zombie let loose than it manages to chomp down of two of the agents and mortally wounding the other before being shot in the face.

Realizing that the whole situation may be a wee big difficult to explain the arms dealers make a swift exit leaving the bio-weapon (cunningly disguised as a bottle of Lucozade) behind.

Could things get any worse?

Well Woody, on his way back to deliver his bosses newly repaired car accidentally runs over the prone agent and quickly jumps out of the vehicle to see if he can help (or at least persuade him not to press charges) as the poor guy gestures to Woody to come nearer (I reckon he's going to whisper 'I love you' to him I mean c'mon he's only flesh and blood) our hapless hero mistakes the actions for the guy having a dry throat and quickly pours the Lucozade into his mouth before bungling him into the back of the car and driving back to the mall.

On arrival Woody desperately tries to find Crazy Bee for a wee bit of moral support leaving the injured agent sloppily leaking onto the back seat.

It's not long tho' before the guy is totally zombified (is that even a word? Well it is now) and wandering off into the mall in search of fresh meat.

Realizing that he'll need to get the car fixed if he doesn't want a doing Woody sells the (by now undead) agents top of the range mobile phone to Mr Kui  but still doesn't have enough money to fix the car so alongside Crazy Bee decide to steal Rolls purse and jewelery whilst she's busy doing Mrs Kui's (the marvelously mumsy Suk-Mui Tam) make-up for the weekend.

The rotters.

Exit wound in mah mooth!

Suspicious of the pair - and egged on by her pal Jelly (Bonnie Lai Suk-Yin), Rolls asks Woody to help find her purse in exchange for a dinner date.

A dinner date where she intends to get him drunk so he'll admit to stealing her stuff.

She's a crafty one and no mistaking.

Obviously Woody agrees and the pair head off to the sushi bar, much to the annoyance of Loi.

As Woody and Rolls get more and more drunk - and even more flirty than usual the couple stumble into the toilets for some privacy with an anxious Loi - determined to protect Rolls honour - in pursuit.

As he goes to burst into the toilet tho' poor Loi is bitten by the undead agent who then scurries off toward the mall's underwear section leaving our bitten soy-boy ranting about monsters whilst bleeding over Rolls incredibly milky thighs.

Being a nice girl she takes Loi round the rear (ooeer missis) - of the sushi bar obviously - whilst Woody and Crazy Bee look for help.

Oh and zombies (of a Bio kind) obviously.

Fair enough.

Whilst all this slight panic is going down the zombie special agent manages to find his phone amongst Mr Kui's belongings causing the (already) angry shopkeeper to go full on shouty at our heroes accusing them of stealing the phone back before reporting them to the mall security guard known only as 'Ox' (Frankie Chan).
Realizing that the plot may need a few more characters to really get going Ox calls the police (Policemen #3001 and #9466 to be precise) who, after a series of more and more outrageous questions decide to lock Woody and Crazy Bee in Ox's office whilst #3001 goes in search of clues.

Popping into the sushi bar for a snack he's soon killed by Loi who by this time has completely turned and is currently holding Rolls captive (he loves her you see) whilst back at the security office the undead agent has turned up killing Ox before attacking #9466.

It never rains.

In the bloody confusion Woody and Crazy Bee escape and head toward the mall entrance, where they come across Jelly, Rolls' co-worker, who's just back from a sly fag oblivious to the chaos all around her but as the dynamic duo try to explain the last 35 minutes of plot a reanimated Ox closes the mall's shutters, trapping everyone inside.

As the trio argue over what to do they bump into Mr and Mrs Kui who've narrowly avoided a biting and after a quick exchange of pleasantries decide to hide in the beauty parlor till everything blows over.

Coming to the conclusion that he is, in fact, the films hero (well he does have a hit recording career outside his film work) Woody volunteers to not only contact the authorities but also rescue Rolls whilst he's at it and heads off excitedly to the sushi bar where he manages to sneak Rolls out whilst Loi is distracted fighting off the bad zombies who want to eat her whole.

Although I've heard that they spit that bit out.

Meeting up with the others they all decide to attempt an escape rather than wait for help.

I mean what could possibly go wrong?

"He did WHAT in his cup?"

Running toward the store elevator with the (Bio) Zombies in hot pursuit Kui proves his patent bastardness when realizing that the lift is over the weight limit by cold-heartedly pushes Jelly into the path of the undead much to the annoyance of everyone else who then decide to go back and attempt save her.
Kui swears at everyone before dragging his wife off toward the exit.

Finding Jelly dead Crazy Bee, Woody and Rolls - now armed with a collection of household items - head for the security office in order to get the keys to open the shutters, killing and maiming zombies as they go.

Hearing a scream in the distance they realize that Mrs. Kui - now separated from both the group and her hubbie - is under attack from the undead and Crazy Bee, admitting to having a huge crush on her, hurries to help.

Meanwhile Mr Kui is hiding in a cupboard shitting himself.

Crazy Bee arrives too late tho' and poor Mrs Kui dies in his arms.

But things are about to take a darker turn for as Bee cradles his unrequited love a sneaky zombie manages to crawl toward him and bites his arm.

Ouch.

Your mum, Christmas eve, 1994.

Meeting up with Rolls and Woody at the security office, Crazy Bee is desperate to find the security key as well as keeping his bite hidden from his friends, unfortunately due to his panicked state he totally fails to see Ox creeping up on him.

As Crazy Bee tells his best friend how much he means to him Ox pounces and kills him sending Woody into a violent rage where he first beheads Ox before doing the same to Crazy Bee so as to prevent him coming back from the dead.

Finally finding the security key the duo head down the parking garage in the hope of getting to Woody's boss' car and escaping but by now the whole underground carpark is crawling with zombies.

Fighting their way through the undead hordes, they reach Woody’s boss’ car but find themselves trapped and surrounded.

Suddenly tho' Loi appears and in one last show of kindness to Rolls raises the garage shutter before pushing the car out into the street allowing the pair to escape.

As the drive off into the night they see Loi fighting the other zombies as he pulls the shutter back down, trapping the undead inside.

With the streets empty Woody pulls up at a deserted petrol station in the hope of finding help and supplies, as he searches he notices an emergency broadcast programme on the TV warning the populance against against drinking soft drinks due to a mysterious contamination. 

As Woody continues to watch he notices that Rolls have found the Lucozade bottle under the seat of the car.....

An obvious influence on Edgar Wright's Shaun of The Dead, director Wilson (IP Man, Kill Zone SPL and Skyline Cruisers also with Jordan Chan amongst other classics) Yip's Bio-Zombie is a surprisingly charming little movie that, playing against audience expectations is less a lo-fi undead shlocker and more of a genre defying rollicking roller-coaster ride that riffs on  rom-com conventions, buddy comedies and action movies before delivering one of the bleakest endings since Miracle Mile.

And all in under 90 minutes.

Zach Snyder and Rian Johnson take note.

But any low budget film, no matter how entertaining lives and dies by its cast and luckily Bio-Zombie's is brilliant, from the natural chemistry between the leads (Jordan Chan and Sam Lee who bizarrely enough have both played the same character - "Chicken" Chiu - in the Young And Dangerous film series, Chan in the first three movies and Lee as a younger version in the prequel) to the vile, misogynistic Mr. Kui and fabulously flirty Rolls everyone  plays it with a terrific conviction that makes even the most hastily sketched and clichéd characters come alive to a point where you find yourself genuinely caring for the people on screen.

A rare thing to find in the low-budget comedy horror genre and no mistaking.

A joy from silly start to freaky finish Bio-Zombie deserves to bee seen by a much bigger audience than it has already so stop what you're doing and track down a copy NOW.



You can thank me later.

Titles.

One final word of warning tho', if you do fancy seeing it try to stay away from the dubbed US release because although worth it to see how many Cartoon Network voice actors you can spot (DeeDee from Dexter's Laboratory is one) the script appears to have been translated by someone whose favourite film is American Pie, although they had to have it explained to them as there were too many big words in the script.



Really it's that bad and frankly a film of this quality deserves better.































*You can tell this was for a 'proper' publication due to the lack of puerile humour in the review....don't worry there'll be mooth shite aplenty tomorrow.