Thursday, August 19, 2021

ethel mermaid.

Another day, another Chiba-tastic cinefeast as I'm slowly working my way thru' his greatest hits in tribute to the legend.

No doubt as always I'll get bored and stop after a few days tho'.

Sorry.

Terror Beneath The Sea (AKA Water Cyborg, 1966).
Dir: Hajime Sato (AKA Terence Ford).

Cast: Sonny Chiba, Peggy Neal, Franz Gruber, Andrew Hughes, Erik Neilson, Mike Daneen, Beverly Keller, Gunther Braun, Koji Miemachi, Tadashi Suganuma, Hideo Murota, Osamu Yamanouchi, Kosaku Okano, Ichiro Mizuki, Akemi Fuji, Enver Altenbay, Hans Horneff and Steve Queens.

Prof. Howard: "Some very peculiar things have been going on around here lately."
Cmdr. Brown: "What?"
Prof. Howard: "I'm not sure, but I think the Navy should be informed about them."
Cmdr. Brown: "What are you driving at?"



Our story (well scriptwriter Kôichi Ôtsu's story....actually it's not even his seeing as it's based on a novel by Masami Fukushima - but I digress) begins at the very important deep sea trials of "The Navy's" brand new homing torpedo, where among the assorted dignitaries and press we're introduced to the big haired Jenny Gleason (button-nosed Kate McKinnon alike and star of The X From Outer Space and Las Vegas Free-for-All, Neal) and the cool, collected Ken Abe (Golgo 13 himself Chiba) who will be our heroes for the next 70 odd minutes.

As the stoic Commander Brown (council estate Christopher Eccleston Gruber) entertains the crowd by randomly pointing at a collection of hastily cut out submarine stickers on a Plexiglass board Jenny begins to feel a sense of dread, made worse when the video feed begins to broadcast from the test site.

And not just because the model work is so atrocious.

Tho' it doesn't help.

As the test continues Jenny becomes even more distressed before screaming in sheer terror when, as the homing torpedo nears the target submarine, a shadowy humanoid figure quickly swims past the underwater camera before being consumed by the explosion as the torpedo finds its target.

Commander Brown, either spooked by the figure or embarrassed by Jenny's reaction  cuts the demonstration short before flouncing out of the room, leaving Jenny slightly shaken and Ken deeply aroused by her display of woman-ness leading to him offering to take her "up the bay" in search of whatever creature they saw swim by.

What a guy.

Jenny screaming: Please note - she'll be doing a fair bit of this during the movie.




After a few brandies in the press bar Ken and Jenny - with her camera to hand - don their wetsuits and head out to sea, partly to look for stuff but mainly as an excuse to track Jenny's undulating arse in her tiny swimming trunks as she swims past the camera.

Which is nice.

It's not all unearthly siren song and smooth milky thighs tho' as suddenly and without warning - well apart from the clumsy musical cue - a terrifying fishman appears from behind a rock and startles our heroine so much that she manages to scream thru' a scuba mouthpiece.

And that, dear reader, is fairly impressive.

Dropping her camera she beats a hasty retreat to the surface as the fishman drunkenly follows her but luckily she makes it to the boat before any flipper based shenanigans can occur leaving Ken to console our tear-soaked heroine and the camera - plus any evidence - presumably lost at the bottom of the ocean.

Arse.

With nothing to show but a pair of mascara stained goggles, Commander Brown quite rightly accuses Jenny of making all this shite about boss-eyed sea beasts up before stomping off in a huff to examine some strange clawed footprints that have been found on the beach near to the top secret torpedo research lab.

No, nothing suspicious at all here.

"Laugh now!"

After downing a few more drinks to drown their sorrows the pair decide to head back into the water in order to find the camera and therefore prove the existence of the fishmen but quickly (well it only has a 70 minute running time) end up getting captured and taken to the spooky underwater lair of the eminent slick haired science guy Dr. Josef Heim (Daneen from the classic Gappa the Triphibian Monsters), an evil mastermind obsessed with turning humanity into remote controlled, crudely constructed models of Will Self made entirely of shortbread.

Sorry I mean cyborg fishmen.

MONSTA!


Ever the gracious host, Dr. Heim proceeds to give our dynamic duo a tour of the facilities even going as far as to give a demonstration of the cyborgs sophisticated control system which appears to consist of a massive knob (there seems to be a lot of them in this film) with three settings - work, rest and fight which he twiddles with glee as he makes a couple of fishmen grapple in a vaguely homoerotic manner.

Unfortunately neither Ken nor Jenny seem impressed (or even a little aroused) by this display of strength and with that Heim sends them back to their cell before skulking away for a tearful wank and a cod flavoured Pot Noodle.

Aware of the films scant running time, the pair quickly escape and decide to have a nosy around the base for a bit (mainly to admire the matte paintings on show) before being recaptured.

Well I say recaptured but in reality they just arrive in a room with a couple of dartboards on the wall where Heim just happened to be waiting and with a sigh he orders the scarily bouffanted Nurse Smallbone (Keller in her only film role outside those 'special interest' ones she did to pay her way thru' college) to take them back to their cell.

Exciting isn't a word I would use but heyho they're doing their best.

“You know that sickening feeling of inadequacy and over-exposure you feel when you look upon your own empurpled prose? Relax into the awareness that this ghastly sensation will never, ever leave you, no matter how successful and publicly lauded you become. It is intrinsic to the real business of writing and should be cherished....Now get back in the sea so I can bite you.”


Meanwhile back at the top secret naval base, distinguished science-type Dr. Russell Howard (monster movie mega star Hughes, star of everything from Destroy All Monsters to Battle In Outer Space via playing a comedy Hitler in Crazy Adventure) is suddenly grabbed by the cyborgs - which is way less painful than it sounds - and taken to the undersea base because, um reasons, where he - and Ken and Jenny - are given a chilling ultimatum: join Heim's evil empire or be turned into undersea cyborg fish folk.

Obviously they refuse and next thing you know poor Jenny is strapped to a table, her smooth shoulders on show, covered in Swarfega and sweating like Bobby Crush on an oil rig as disco lights flash all around her before passing out.

Which is probably the most erotic thing I've seen on film this year.

Sorry.

Waking in her cell Jenny soon realises that both her and Ken appear to have bits of PVA glue hastily stuck to their bodies (this, we're told is phase one of the conversion process) and quickly becomes hysterical, waving her sticky mitts in front of her face whilst grimacing and violently shaking her head.

Ken on the other (slightly less sticky) hand just gazes into the middle distance heroically.

"Warm it up in the microwave for 40 seconds and slip it in......"



If like me at this point you're beginning to miss dear old Commander Brown then fear not as he's currently shouting orders at anyone who'll listen as he valiantly searches for the missing reporters (and scientist) in a commandeered submarine whilst narrowly avoiding crashing into hundreds of discarded beer barrels labeled "Very Dangerous Atomic Waste" on the ocean floor* for some reason or another that isn't explained.

Maybe the director realised that as we were heading toward the films climax it'd be a good idea to have something - anything - exciting happen?

Just a thought.

Heim is soon alerted to the submarines presence and orders a missile strike resulting in some quality rocking back and forth acting from the cast and causing Brown to don a wet suit and clench a knife 'tween his teeth as he angrily threatens to swim over to the base and stab someone as random missiles fly out of the sea and into the sky, nearly killing Jenny and Ken's boss who is currently flying about in an old plane looking for them.

Phew.

I think I got all that down.


"Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just sexually aroused? Oh it's a gun, my bad."

The heroic submarine crew and the evil undersea based bastards continual shooting at each other randomly whilst scowling into camera comes to a head when a missile fired by the submarine actually hits Heim's base causing the control panel for the cyborgs to stop working and the fishmen to go bat-shit mental, throwing shapes, wanking into pot plants and attacking the crew.

Soon the entire base is filled with the sound of gunfire (and a smell of old socks and egg) as Heim's henchmen battle the cyborgs for undersea supremacy.....

Will Ken, Howard and Jenny escape?

Will they find a cure for their scabs?

Will anyone bother repairing the massive tear on the lead fishman's costume?

Will the film's final scene feature a forced laugh and comedy turn to camera?

I'm not saying.



From Hajime Sato (the film director that is, not the sustainable seafood advocate, sushi chef and certified Saké advisor I found on Twitter) - the man behind The Golden Bat, four episodes of Captain Ultra, Jûdai no âshidôri and the terrifying Goke, Body Snatcher From Hell comes this threadbare thriller that takes the very best bits of Voyage To The Bottom of The Sea and mixes it with  a smidgen of Bond style spy hijinks before adding a child's approximation of The Creature From The Black Lagoon and beating the whole thing senseless in an alley then filming the results in a warehouse full of giant Lego bricks.

Yes, it's that good.

Big drink or tiny head?

Featuring future Street Fighter and professional sexy man Sonny Chiba in the lead role, ably abetted by the absolutely adorable (and that's just her hair) Peggy Neal and Japanese junk stalwart  Andrew Hughes, the rest of the cast of ne'er do wells and never wills don't matter as the interchangeable henchmen and military types seem to spend the film either barking orders or just being barking mad as they attempt to keep a straight face as the poor sods stuff in the fishmen suits potter about trying not to knock any bits of the set over as the piss-poor plot unveils - and unravels - in front of them, but what it lacks in logic, budget or intelligence it more than makes up for by ignoring all of that and just going for it.

Which gives it the edge over modern sea-based fayre like the Kristen Stewart starrer Underwater, tho' to be honest the monsters in that were slightly better realised.

But only slightly.**


"Are you the farmer?"


But let's be honest, you kinda know what you're letting yourself in for with quality cinema like this so kick your shoes off, crack open a beer, sit back and enjoy.



And if nothing else, Peggy Neal sports a smashing blouse at one point.


Recommended.






























* Oh go on then, at the bottom of the directors bath.




**Tho' neither of them hold a candle to the utterly terrifying Underwater Puppies calendar my kids insisted on buying the other Christmas.


Wednesday, August 18, 2021

golden shot.

Just heard the news that Sonny Chiba has died so reposting my random rave about my fave movie of his.

Well that was short and sweet.

Sonny Chiba up a tree....kay eye cee kay eye en gee a man in the throat. Sorry, that caption is really, really shit.



Golgo 13: Assignment Kowloon (AKA Golgo 13, ゴルゴ13 九竜の首 Gorugo Sātīn Kûron no kubi, 1977).
Dir: Yukio Noda.
Cast: Sonny Chiba, Callan Leung, Etsuko Shihomi, Chi-Chung Lee, Jerry Ito, Lai Dut, Dana Shum and loads of other folk that you can find online if you're really bothered, I mean I bet you don't even read this bit - you go straight to see if there's any nude pics.



Somewhere off the coast of Miami, sharp-suited drug lord Barry Badman has hired the infamous Action Man haired assassin Golgo 13 (Chiba...nuff said) to 'take out' one of the mob who's been discovered stealing cash and chocolate biscuits from the drug gang clubhouse.

Offering our (anti) hero $150,000 and a family sized packet of Hobnobs in return for killing 'The Kingpin'.

But not this one obviously.

Without further ado Golgo heads off to Hong Kong but not before shooting a couple of the drug bosses henchmen in the head - and off a balcony - for a laugh.

Actually come to think of it that would technically class as further ado really wouldn't it?

Anyway it's in Hong Kong where we (the audience) meet the character who will be cast as Golgo's nemesis for the next 90 odd minutes, the dashing detective Robert 'Smithy' Smith (not his real name) - played to sweaty perfection by Callan Leung - a straight down the line cop obsessed with taking down the Kingpin himself.

We know this as there's a helpful montage showing him roughing up a variety of small time drug dealers and raiding exotic dance clubs.

Which is nice work if you can get it.


Shit....(Far) East 17 have let themselves go.



It's at one such dance club that we finally get to meet the notorious Kingpin as well as give the cameraman a chance to have a wee cheeky lingering look at the laydees who work there.

Which tonight includes a cutsey tomboy chucking knifes at some poor extra in a glittery bra tied to a plank of wood.

And who says that Hong Kong wasn't more cuultured under British rule?

Surprisingly it turns out that the knife thrower is actually an undercover cop named Larry Lam (the fantastic Etsuko Shihomi from Sister Street Fighter) who after months of working at the club - as well as at the local holiday camp judging the nobbly knees contest - has managed to plant a listening device in the Kingpins office where she (over)hears him discussing the arrival of the latest shipment of drugs.

Following him to an old rubber factory she sneaks in to find a fully functioning cocaine lab (or is it a secret lemonade factory? - I can never tell) and quickly leaves to radio for help, unfortunately she's shot and roughly grabbed by the bad boys who decided to use her as a novelty wall ornament, hanging her - as is their want - to a wall before flicking fags, salted peanuts and lit matches at her smooth tummy.

Bastards.

"He did what in his cup?"



Luckily some kids playing near the rubber factory come across her discarded radio and inform the police who rush to the scene guns a-blazing and flairs a-flapping.

Except those wearing snazzy 'colonial' police shorts and long socks - of which there are a frightening amount - obviously.

Unfortunately poor Lam is killed in the crossfire and the building explodes leaving Smith red faced and bare arsed, the Kingpin off the hook and me confused as to the flammability of rubber.

With this explosive action sequence out of the way it's back to the main plot where we discover that the Kingpin is working alongside an evil diplomat named Ronan Polanski from the Peranian Republic in order to smuggle nasty drugs into Hong Kong via his diplomatic bags.

And most probably up his still peachy arse.

Polanski (Ito) it seems is even more of a rotter than the Kingpin, for not only is he dealing the drugs but he's also shagging the Kingpin's missus whilst planning to sell out absolutely everyone to the witch-hunting FBI in exchange for protection, a new identity and a big TeeVee.

What a complete bastard.


Somewhere to park your bike at least.


With both action sequence delivered and all the important plot points explained it's time to get back to Golgo 13, who on arrival in Hong Kong checks into a swanky hotel under the fan-pleasing moniker of  "Duke Togo" before building his super sniper rifle which he had mailed to him in a series of  wooden crate marked "drilling supplies" like some nightmarish DeAgostini partwork.

Unlike DeAgostini tho' all the packages come at once (just like your mum and sister - or so your uncle Jim says) (who knew it was that easy?) so he hasn't got to wait around for 2 years spending hundreds of pounds only to find a bit missing.

Even the office comes flat-packed.




With his unpacking done and with time to kill (as opposed to bad guys) Golgo/Duke heads out to the Kingpin's nightclub to gather information, sitting in a darkened corner booth and mysteriously whilst checking out the local talent and having a few drinks obviously.

It's whilst he's there that our hero comes across (not in that way which I'll admit is surprising for a Japanese movie) Polanski's moppet daughter who takes a shine to Golgo and refers to him as 'The Dragon Man'.

Which is nice.

Maybe he'll see some good in Polanski later or spare his life for his daughter?

Nah, the film-makers will probably forget all about this caring side to him and have Golgo shoot Polanski in the face whilst his daughter sits on his lap during a daring helicopter escape at the films climax.

Who knows?

It's not all product placement whiskey drinking, stroking weans on the head and long lingering looks at Mrs Kingpin tho, as on the way back to his hotel Golgo happens across a disgruntled prostitute in the middle of an argument with her pimp who she shoots dead.

Hang on is this Hong Kong or Dudley?

Taking pity on the poor woman, our hero holds her tightly as the police arrive and tells them that they were having a wee cuddle in the alley when a bad man ran by and shot the pimp, luckily the police (including Smith) believe Golgo and head off in pursuit.

The night's excitement isn't over yet tho' for as Golgo is walking the woman back to her boat eight of the pimps pals appear from nowhere with the intention of giving our hero a bloody good kicking.

Have they not seen The Street Fighter?

Obviously not as Golgo almost immediately kills five of them (and that's just by staring at them harshly) before putting two others in hospital and administering a severe kicking to the others arse.

Suffice to say it's all over in a flash and he's soon waving the woman (whom we'll call Brenda) off before heading back to his hotel to clean the shit off his shoes.

Eye son.

Golgo wakes bright and early the next morn as he prepares for 'the hit' (remember? the reason he's actually in Hong Kong), taking up position overlooking the swimming pool where the Kingpin is getting an award for something or other but mere seconds before he squeezes the trigger, someone else shoots the Kingpin dead.

Annoyed at the thought of someone stealing his thunder Golgo heads off to see his old mentor One-Eyed Ralph Jenkins**, an ex-assassin who now runs a fish and chip shop in Sham Shui Po.

Jenkins warns Golgo to be careful as Assassinating is a young mans game and there will always be someone vying for your job.

A wee bit like blogging then.

But without copious amounts of sexy Oriental babes throwing themselves at you obviously.

Obsessed with discovering the identity of the killer (tho' fuck knows why I mean he'll still get paid) Golgo heads back to the bar to pump Mrs Kingpin for information.

And by that I mean have sex with.

Turns out that the whole thing was planned by Polanski and that Mrs Kingpin had hoped that Golgo would turn up so she could kill him too.

But our hero is on to the whole scheme and no sooner has he shot his muck over her ample arse he's fired an altogether more lethal load on her face.

And by lethal load I mean bullets.

Well one bullet.

But by face I do actually mean her face.

So that's OK then.


Put it in me!



Aware that Golgo is on his trail, Polanski hightails it to Japan to meet  the FBI with Golgo in hot(tish) pursuit.

And by that I mean actually on the same plane, which gives him ample opportunity to continue 'bonding' with Polanski's poppet princess.

By some bizarre stroke of luck 'Smithy' Smith is also on the plane, partly to visit his cute as a button sister Angela - who's studying in Kyoto - but mainly to follow Golgo and Polanski for some reason.

Maybe he fancies a threesome?

I know I would.

Anyway upon landing Golgo sneakily follows Polanski around all the tourist spots before recording his entire FBI-based conversation on a sexy Sony HandyCam camcorder he just happened to have in his pocket.

Whilst all this surveillance stuff is going down Smithy has been busy chatting to the local police in the hope of finding any dirt on either Polanski or Golgo (apart from all the killings obviously) but due to the formers diplomatic immunity and Golgo's sexy hair he discovers that he can't arrest either of them.

Not even a wee bit.

I blame Brexit myself.

Down but not out Smithy decides to follow Golgo anyway but not before having lunch with his sis and taking a trip on the bullet train, which nicely ties in with director Junya Satō's The Bullet Train ((新幹線大爆破, Shinkansen Daibakuha) which also features in this boxset and is said to be the inspiration for Speed.

The film that is not the drug.

Phew glad that's cleared up.


"Slate and Vera Lynn?"

After all this touristy stuff Smithy soon locates Golgo at his hotel and tries perform a citizens arrest only to be informed that he has no jurisdiction in Japan and that anyway Golgo could take him with one hand tie behind his back.

And another up an Emu's arse.

It's not too surprising then that fisticuffs ensue that leave Smithy looking a wee bit disheveled and Golgo free to continue following Polanski - who is, as we speak, flying back to Hong Kong where he quickly informs the police that Duke/Golgo are one in the same.



"Pull my finger!"



With the police desperately hunting Golgo thru' Kowloon's market district, our hero jumps from bus roof to telegraph pole in order to evade them and lose his pistol before they catch him (it appears that it was illegal for notorious hitmen to carry guns in 70s Hong Kong....who knew?) so it's pretty lucky when he bumps into Brenda (you remember the prostitute he saved earlier) who grabs his weapon and quickly hides it up her arse just as Smithy and co. grab him by the boondocks.

Roughly taken up the station and tied to a chair Golgo is given the full bad cop/badder cop shiny lampface treatment before the cops realise that they have fuck all on him and may get into trouble for basically duffing up a tourist.

And with this they let him go.

Heading back to his hotel to prepare for the hit (well you have to admit for a film about a crack assassin there's been precious little assassinating - cracked or otherwise) Golgo notices an abandoned construction site and being a fan of Liebherr Tower Cranes goes in to investigate.

Unfortunately a gang of Polanski's hired thugs are lying in wait (or to be more precise sitting in a digger) and attack him.

Golgo, being hard as nails, easily beats the bad men to a pulp (not even their high-viz jackets and safety goggles can save them) but as he's impaling their ringleader on a splintered chairleg he's shot in the leg ruining the cut of his immaculate white suit.

Needing medical attention but unable to go to a hospital (again for reasons), Golgo collapses in the mud only to be found by Brenda who carries him back to her houseboat, tends his wounds and has 'the sex' with him.

Stitched up, sexed up and refreshed after a few days of sweaty water-based passion Golgo quietly leaves the love nest to prepare for the showdown with Polanski, leaving Brenda a necklace (but thankfully not a pearl one) as a thank you.


"Peow!"


Ever increasingly worried that it's nearly the end of the film and Golgo hasn't made an attempt on his life yet, Polanski heads off to a highly fortified island off the Chinese coast where the FBI have set up a safe house that's not only monitored by dozens of cardboard box-like closed-circuit TV cameras but protected by a squad of hired goons with big guns.


Smithy deciding that sailing out to the island with a gung-ho war party is less likely to cause a diplomatic incident than just, you know giving all the evidence he's amassed on Polanski to his superiors and taking it from their storms the beach with all guns blazing whilst Polanski orders his FBI handler to take a motorboat to the mainland in the hope that the police - thinking it's the dirty diplomat will follow him.

Sounds legit.

Who am I to argue tho' as this seems to do the trick because no sooner have Smithy and co. caught up with the boat than a helicopter appears overhead to pick up Polanski and his daughter.

But where is Golgo? I hear you cry.

Well by this point, our hero has swum onto the beach and free-climbed up the side of a sheer cliff face, where he now waits, swinging from an assassins hammock tenderly stroking massive weapon.

As the helicopter flies overhead taking Polanski to freedom Golgo takes aim and fires, hitting Polanski right between the eyes, his daughter watching in horror as his limp, lifeless body crashes into the water, his notebook detailing all the dodgy drug deals in Hong Kong lying in the water ready to be collected by Smithy.

All kinds of everything remind me of you.


As Golgo goes to the airport to fly home the obsessed copper is waiting for him to give him a goodbye punch in the face and a stern "Don't come back!" talking to.

Which is a wee bit shit seeing as if it wasn't for him Polanski would still be dealing drugs to 'ver kids' and Smithy would never have smashed the dealers ring (ooeerr) but that's the police for you.

Photoshop.




The great-granddad of every John Woo/Chow Yun Fat movie ever made (especially The Killer), Yukio (Zero Woman Red Handcuffs, Yakuza Deka and he Soul of Bruce Lee - AKA Soul of Chiba - amongst others) Noda's Manga adaptation of Takao Saito's manga classic Golgo 13:  is a low budget, batshittly baffling no-brainer that happily coasts by on the charisma of it's lead actor and an outrageous sense of fun.

The second attempt to bring the classic comic book character to the screen (after the little seen - outside Japan that is - 1973 Ken Takakura starrer) forgoes the gritty Yakuza-style realism of the first movie, replacing it (alongside half-decent direction and plot) instead with lots of long, lingering shots of action legend Chiba frowning whilst polishing a big gun.

Which frankly is enough for me to elevate this film to classic status.

"You ain't seen me right?" - Beyond our Ken.



Luckily for everyone else there are a couple of other good performances on show too, including a top turn from Callan Leung who'd already carved out a career playing determined police types and the fantastic Etsuko Shihomi as undercover cop Lam.

A member of Chiba's famous Japan Action Club (a training school set up by the actor for aspiring martial arts film actors and stunt performers), Shihomi was one of Chiba's most successful students, going on to appear in four Sister Streetfighter movies as well as the adventure classic Shogun's Ninja again alongside Chiba as well as future Hollywood star Hiroyuki Sanada.

With so much talent on show it's a pity then that a better director couldn't be found.

I mean Noda is workman-like and Chiba obviously enjoyed working with him (they did make Soul Of Chiba and Yakuza Deka together too) but a film of this size and scale needs a more bombastic eye and sense of style as without the natural charisma and genuine big screen appeal of its star Golgo 13 would be just another run of the mill country-hopping crime caper.

It's still a top piece of entertainment tho'.



































**I may have made some of these names up after realising I'd forgotten to make a note of the characters. Sorry.

Tuesday, August 17, 2021

the tedious footsaw massacre.

 


On this day in 1973 The Texas Chain Saw Massacre took place fright fans but that would be way too great a film to celebrate so instead I give you - no please just take it....

Staunton Hill (2009). 

Dir: G. Cameron Romero. 

Cast: Kathy Lamkin, Cristen Coppen, David Rountree (not that one, well maybe), Kiko Ellsworth, Christine Carlo, Paula Rhodes, BJ Hendricks and Charlie Bodin.







It's 1969 (OK?) somewhere in a part of America that has loads of trees and stuff and where group of faceless and fairly interchangeable friends - hunky behatted Cole (co-writer and drummer with Blur Rountree, best known for appearing in the Britney Spears Oops, I Did It Again video), the token politically minded black dude Boone (shiny browed co-producer Ellsworth) and his granite jawed missis Raina (star of Nora's Hair Salon, Carlo), teeny tiny Trish (actress, composer, writer tho' obviously no judge of quality Rhodes) and the terrifyingly toothsome Jordan (Coppen, I can't be arsed looking her up) - are busy hitch-hiking their way to Washington D.C. for a rally of some sort or another. 

By the year we can assume that it's either to protest against the war in Vietnam or to demand equal rights for someone, seeing as that's all folk did in the sixties obviously. 

Saying that tho' the writer doesn't care enough to give a specific reason so why should I be bothered to think of one? 

Not having any luck finding a ride (tho' you'd need a bus to carry all of them) they decide to stop at a roadside garage cum store for no other reason than to give the writer the chance to have a pock-faced Hick use the word 'nigger' (shocking) and to introduce car driving cut-out Quintin (Bodin, all pube beard and ticks) so he can offer them a lift. 

So far so clichéd. 

 

 

Boiled onions!



Well would you believe it, halfway down the road Quintin's truck breaks down, leaving our party stranded in the woods with a storm brewing and no shelter. 

But wait, didn't they pass what looks like a deserted farm a few miles back? 

Maybe they could stay there till morning. 

I mean what's the worse thing that could happen? 

Heading off thru' the trees and over a hill (the sound of thunder and local traffic rumbling in the background) our merry band of cipher's take refuge in a big barn and bed down for the night. 

 I feel that I have to interject right now to point out that it's taken about 35 minutes of the movie to get this far. 

Yup, a third of it's running time is over and absolutely fuck all has happened. 

No character development, no suspense, no hope of a quick and painless end to the viewers suffering, nothing. 

Waking the next morning (which is more than my arse had done by now) the friends come across (and I so wish I'd been literally) hulking, moonfaced inbred Buddy (another co-producer and living potato BJ Hendricks) violently fucking a cabbage. 

Actually the last bit is a lie but I'm trying to brighten up the review in a way the writers didn't bother with the film. 

 

"I love you...could it be magic?"



Buddy's (like all big boned movie mentalists) response to Cole's friendly greeting is to hit him in the face with a spade. 

Cue some slow fighting and staged wrestling till the farms owners - wheelchair bound alcoholic Geraldine Staunton (Weston) and her lard loving daughter Louise (Lamkin, playing exactly the same role that she did in the Texas Chainsaw remake) arrive in time to break it up, apologize and invite their guests to stay for a big meaty breakfast. 

Cut to lots of long, lingering close ups of Buddy actually cooking the said brekkie followed by even more shots of the cast eating it, intercut with close-ups of Quintin calling the chef a retard. 

Realizing that the movie has almost finished yet no-one has died yet (except me, inside) our cardboard crew decide to head out to the fields in an attempt to fix the families van in the hope of borrowing it to travel to the next town or something tho' Trish, desperate for a wee stays behind to look for a toilet. 

 

Germs.



Wandering aimlessly (and whining annoyingly) around the farm she first stumbles across Buddy having a(nother) sly Barclay's whilst looking at pictures of Tiny Tears dolls (which isn't as funny as it sounds, I mean the cast are so uniformly unattractive that given the choice I'd probably choose to crack one off over your wee sisters doll - or your wee sister if I'm honest - than anyone on offer here) before taking a wrong turn and ending up in a scary (re: filthy) operating theatre built onto the back of a shed. 

Taking it all in her stride (tho' unfortunately not in her mouth) Trish tiptoes around opening every door and cupboard in the hope of finding a loo (or a bucket - she's been needing a piss for what seems like days) just as Buddy, brandishing a hammer, turns up and beats her to death before cutting her throat and skinning her. 

Which is nice.

Saying that, I'm no medical expert but I'm sure that if you needed a slash (of the wee kind, not your throat) so badly then at least a little bit would come out at the moment of death? 

But let's not complain, at least we finally get a killing. 

So it's a pity that it's so boringly directed really, which, if I'm honest wouldn't be that bad if we actually gave a toss about any of the characters. 

 

"Hole in mah neck!"



It's not long (thank fuck) before the surviving friends find themselves being hunted down by bad boy Buddy and his family and discover the true horror behind the seemingly random acts of slaughter. 

Which (as far as I can gather seeing as my finger was permanently attached to the fast forward button) seems to involve them running an illegal severed foot farming operation led by Quintin (the ex medical student brother of Buddy) out of the converted coal shed behind the house. 

Because of course. 

 

Not that one.


Those regular readers of this fine blog will know that this is the point where I usually wax lyrical about the movie in questions production, cast etc. in a cutting yet oh so amusing fashion adding clever observations and sometimes scandalous lies for the enjoyment of those childish enough to find references to 'mooth shite-in' and the overuse of the comedy catchphrase 'laugh now' the height of cinematic criticism but frankly when it comes to Staunton Hill the only thing that comes to mind are three little words over and over again. 
 
Utter fucking bollocks. 
 
Look, I'll show you what I mean: 
 
Direction: Utter fucking bollocks.
 
Acting: Utter fucking bollocks.
 
Script: Utter fucking bollocks.
 
And so on and so forth. 
 
It's as if the movie has somehow fallen thru' a crack in space/time from some bizarro world where good plotting and character development have no place, it's as if someone decided to remake the Frederick Friedel classic Axe but without any of that films suspense and tension (for any American's reading this is what we Britfags call irony by the way). 
 
I can imagine Cameron and his buds sitting around drunk after reading the script and saying "Hmm, you know what, this script seems a lot like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre....how can we make it different and unique?".  
 
"Well, that film's got Leatherface in it, so named because he has a mask made from human skin..."
 
 "Gee you're right! Every major horror movie villain has a trademark look; Freddie with his hat and finger knives, Michael Myers with his Quick Fit overalls and William Shatner mask and Jason with his hockey mask and machete!" 
 
"Let's give the folk watching a real fright...let's make our killer fat and ginger..." 
 
"And almost myopic from constant masturbation!"  
 
"But what can we call him....His name needs to strike fear into the hearts of cinema goers everywhere..." 
 
Scratching his head Cameron glances over at his record collection catching glipse of the Chesney Hawkes hit 'The One and Only".  
 
"I got it! how about Buddy?"
 
 
 

 

 
Cameron Romero, hang your head in shame, I'm surprised George didn't get a paternity test done as soon as he saw this because if this is was kind of shite a child of mine ended up producing then I'd check my missis wasn't playing around with Chris Chibnall behind my back. 
 
It's the only explanation I can think of. 
 
Good day to you.