Saturday, October 14, 2017

got wood.

Bizarrely enough I found this in Cassidy's rucksack whilst tidying up after his school residential which seems kinda apt.

Exists (2014).
Dir: Eduardo Sánchez.
Cast: Chris Osborn, Dora Madison Burge, Roger Edwards, Denise Williamson, Samuel Davis, Brian Steele and Jeff Schwan.

Big faced brothers Brian and Matt (Osborn and Davis from lots of stuff not worth mentioning), Matt's - non explorer - girlfriend Dora (the button nosed Burge from Dexter) alongside their friends Todd (Circus of The Dead's Edwards) and his skimpy shorted beau Elizabeth (Killer School Girls from Outer Space babe Williamson) are on their way to the 'uncle Bob's cabin' (which surprisingly isn't a euphemism) for a weekend of fun, frolicking and BMX banditry.

All to be documented on a variety of hand-held cameras and groovy head-mounted Go-Pros.

Which is lucky seeing as this is a found footage movie, I mean imagine a 90 minute retelling of this scary tale using the medium of chalk pastels.

Doesn't bear thinking about does it?

Stopping only to buy some fireworks, their journey is remarkably uneventful (save an amusing beard burning incident) until they accidentally run over someone or something and decide to stop and investigate.

Discovering that whatever they hit has smashed a light and covered the bumper in red paint the brothers decide to search for whatever could of caused the damage in order to exchange insurance details and whatnot.

This plan is soon abandoned however when a strange noise (rather like the one your mum makes at the point of climax) is heard emanating from the woods and the dippy duo quickly decide to get back in the car and drive  on.

Insert amusing caption here.

From this point on things seem to go from bad to worse. Not only is there a big tree blocking the road meaning that they have to continue on foot but upon reaching the cabin they're slightly disappointed to find that it's not only covered in dust and animal shit but that a wild pig has taken up residence in the bathroom.

To be honest tho' there are folk in Glasgow that'd sell their kids for a house that nice.

Heading back to the relative comfort of the car for the night, Matt is kept awake by the same vaguely sexy noises he heard earlier and, obviously not wanting to be the only grumpy fucker the next morning shakes Brian awake to discuss it.

Tugging at his beard enigmatically Brian is convinced that the noise is being made by Bigfoot who, according to Uncle Bob lives just over the next hill.

Matt, being the clean shaven sensible one accuses his brother of talking 'the bollocks' and quickly goes back to sleep.

Arse attacked by Bigfoot?...that'll be 250 quid from Harry Hill then!

Rising bright and early the next morning the group decides to ignore the tufts of bloodied hair embedded in the car radiator and head down to a lake for some aforementioned fun leaving Brian to waste precious screen time attempting to video Todd and Elizabeth having sex.

Luckily for them (but not for fans of outdoor interracial action obviously) Brian's perving is interrupted when a big hairy man runs passed, causing him to drop his camera and scream and Todd to accidentally ejaculate in Elizabeth's eye.

Much shouting and accusations of sneaky masturbation ensues culminating in Brian heading off into the woods alone to set up some cameras whilst the others go back to the cabin to get pissed and play ping-pong.

That night Brian, who in a fit of pique has decided to sleep in a hastily constructed hammock is suddenly awoken by even more of the mysterious sex noises and decides to investigate only to come across (not in that way) Matt and Todd, who've been lying in wait with a pair of paintball guns ready to cover our bearded bro' in sticky balls of goo.

Have they never seen the episode of Byker Grove where PJ (or is it Duncan?) is blinded during such a jape?

There's no time to discuss the safety aspects of paint balling tho' as our intrepid trio are soon running back to the cabin as the air is filled with scary noises, this time closer than ever.

Once safely inside Brian decides to tell every that he thinks it's Bigfoot.

Cue much laughter and piss-taking until a large shadowy figure, accompanied by the smell of old shoes is spotted outside attempting to pull the walls down.

"You were meant to shite in mah MOOTH!"

After surveying the damage the next morning, our merry band decide it'd probably be for the best if they leave but, unfortunately upon reaching the car, they find that the night-time visitor has other ideas, particularly one pretty unique idea of planting a tree in the middle of the car.

Which is nice if a wee bit unexpected.

Returning to the cabin Dora, being the sensible shoed one, suggests that they should just wait until Uncle Bob turns up and leave with him, which would be a great idea if the brothers hadn't actually stolen the key and borrowed the cabin without asking.

The reason?

Because Uncle Bob doesn't let anyone borrow it in case they upset the local Bigfoot.

This, understandably angers the others.

Tho' not half as angry as it makes a certain Mr Foot.

Matt, being the heroic...well sporty type reckons that if he peddles his BMX really quickly he can probably zoom passed Bigfoot and find a spot where he can get reception on his phone and call for help.

With much oohing and ahhing the others, having neither a plan as goofy or ridiculous are forced to agree, quickly waving a camera-hatted Matt off into the trees before settling down to an afternoon of looking glum.

Whizzing thru' the trees and looking to all intents and purposes like a really cheap fan remake of the speeder bike scene from Return of The Jedi, Matt does in fact manage to find a spot where his phone works only to have his call interrupted by Mr Foot who, after giving chase swats him from his bike causing some nasty chafing, a serious fracture and a large brown stain down the back of Matt's shorts.

How's he gonna explain that to his Gran?

Back at the cabin, the pumped up pals have busied themselves by moving all the furniture to block the windows and doors, inadvertently discovering a basement - and a gun - as they do.

Their congratulatory backslapping is short lived tho' as no sooner have they figured out where to put the shells when Bigfoot arrives outside huffing and puffing like John Leslie on an oilrig, destroying the cabins generator before bursting in thru' a cupboard and banging poor Elizabeth's head off a shelf.

The swine.

Eye son!

Todd - overcome by the similarities between their situation and Night of The Living Dead - decides to go all Duane Jones on Bigfoots ass and shoots it thru' a gap in the door before leading a retreat into the cellar in the vain hope that the hairy horror attacking them is scared of stairs.

Cowering under a table the friends try their best to stay quiet, unfortunately Brian's nerves get the better of him and he lets rip a massive - possibly eggy - fart that alerts the beast to their presence and only Todd's action stance and shooting skills save them from a fatal shelfing.
As morning breaks the by now terrified trio, realizing that the movie is way passed the halfway point and reckoning that after a night of smashing stuff that Bigfoot will be sleeping, decide to leave the by now destroyed cabin and walk home.

With Brian volunteering to lead them to safety it's not long before they get lost and end up sheltering under a bridge for the night. As darkness falls the ominous noise of the beast can be heard from the forest which (understandably) annoys  the recently single Todd a wee bit, causing him to go all 'street', firing the shotgun into the air and whilst threatening to 'pop a cap' in Bigfoots ass.

Bigfoot replies by hurling large polystyrene rocks at the friends until they run away.

Which in the whole scheme of things ends up being a great idea, otherwise they'd have never heard Matt screaming for help from underneath an old tree that doubles as the beasts lair.

Now it's time for Brian to play the hero as he bravely crawls thru' the bracken, Bigfoot pooh and dead leaves to rescue his wounded brother, surprisingly not making an arse of it and managing to shoot the beast on the way back, giving the group ample time to rest up in an abandoned caravan they spotted earlier.

"Spice Girls number one for Christmas....MONSTA!"

Setting Matt down on the bed and searching the cupboards for biscuits Brian is surprised to receive a call from his uncle who, shocked at turning up at his holiday home to find a dead ginger in the basement is intrigued to find out what's been going on.

Oh and where his pigs gone obviously.

Remembering that they purchased a huge bag of fireworks (at a massive expense to the budget) Todd reckons that they should let them off so as to alert Uncle Bob to their position so heads out to do that very thing.

Would you believe it tho' that the fireworks also have the effect of alerting Bigfoot to their location?

Well they do so there meaning that Todd has to leg it up a muddy path with the beast in hot (tho' with all that hair he must be boiling) pursuit.

Before too long (well there is only 15 minutes left) Todd - in true Doctor Who companion style -  trips over an imaginary twig and is caught by the beast, thrown at a tree and finally held up against the caravan window like a sock puppet.

And who says Bigfoot doesn't have a sense of humour?

With Bigfoot determined to push the caravan down a conveniently placed hill it's a race against time for Brian, Matt and Dora.

Will Uncle Bob turn up in time to save them?

Will Bigfoot get bored and wander off?

Is Uncle Bob really Bigfoot or is Bigfoot really Uncle Bob in disguise?

And most importantly is Brian Steele that portrays the beast the same Brian Steele that played Harry in all 22 episodes of TV version of Harry And The Hendersons?

The answer to at least one of these is yes.

Michael Foot....related?

As formulaic and clichéd as Exists is, it's a quantum leap in quality from the last Bigfoot movie I had to sit thru', the arse numbing Willow Creek, a film so misguided that its director (ex Police Academy actor Bobcat Goldthwait) managed to convince himself that the one thing that's been missing from modern horror movies is a 30 minute night vision sequence of two people cowering in a tent whilst the crew whistle and throw bricks at them.

Exists may also feature scenes of rock throwing but it at least shows us the monster responsible if nothing else.

And for that I remain grateful.

It's plot may be threadbare and it's lead a dead ringer for Alan Ormsby circa Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things (which is a little off-putting to say the least) but Blair Witch co-creator Sánchez makes things just interesting enough to keep your watching, you know exactly what's going to happen and when but the whole thing is inoffensive enough for you to not mind going along for the ride.

The films scant 86 minute running time doesn't hurt either. 

Like a pair of comfy slippers waiting by your favourite armchair after a long day brutalizing pensioners, the film appears to exist solely because it can do, almost as if everyone involved had a spare weekend and an old ladies fur coat lying about and decided it'd be a laugh to make a movie with it.

And at least in this case they let us in on the fun too.

Inoffensive, short and to the point.

Just like your mum.

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